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Salinger's thirty first challenge!


Salinger

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3 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

 

This is totally understandable and valid, in case you doubt that. You've had a lot going on and it sounds like a stressful time with the plumber and the landlord! I'm glad it all seems to be fixed, now! Maybe now you'll be able to get some good good rest. ❤️

 

I agree with Miau!!

 

Also I'm loving all your drawings and paintings lately! Even in the midst of chaos, you're managing to create! Because you're awesome!!

  • Like 2

SKY ELVENWORD

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 45

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2021 Books in Progress:

How We Love (82%)  |  Talking Back to Purity Culture (64%)  |  Rhythms of Renewal (60%)  |  Beholding and Becoming (19%)  | What Did You Expect? (36%)  |  A Gentle Answer (0%) 
 

2021 Books Completed:
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  |  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban  |  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire   |  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  |  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince  |  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  |  Lady Windermere's Fan 

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8 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

 

This is totally understandable and valid, in case you doubt that. You've had a lot going on and it sounds like a stressful time with the plumber and the landlord! I'm glad it all seems to be fixed, now! Maybe now you'll be able to get some good good rest. ❤️

 

Thanks Mia. I slept pretty well last night, so thats a good thing! xx

 

4 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

 

I agree with Miau!!

 

Also I'm loving all your drawings and paintings lately! Even in the midst of chaos, you're managing to create! Because you're awesome!!

 

Thanks a lot Sky thats really kind to say :) xx

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Morning all. 7.45am - absolute crap weather, cold (ish) this morn and cloudy/dark. 

 

But its going to warm up...and from tomorrow it is going to be hot and sunny!!! 

 

Got a busy day - will try to manage the time ok. 

 

- Take medication

- Write out address for all zine sales (62 sales) 

- Go to the post office to post them all off

- Send friends drawing i did

- Post drawing for my aunties birthday

- Clean kitchen

- Make a quiche

- Water the plants

- Do the daily drawing

- Learn something (art documentary/podcast) 

- Work on video commission

 

busy busy bluergh. If i get a lot done today, i can relax more tomorrow in the sun! Which is good motivation. 

 

Also will feel good to get a lot done, ive been putting stuff off for a while. xx

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2 hours ago, Quirky Quinn said:

62 Sales! Wow!  

 

Busy day ahead but better to get it done today when the weather is crappy so you can enjoy the sun tomorrow!

 

 

Yes, just spend £110 in the post office :o people paid for shipping but....feels like it came from my money hahaahaha took about 3 hours overall, to write all the addresses out, package up and send. phew. need a nap HAHA

 

Might have a sausage butty and listen to an art podcast... i treated myself to some nice sausages yesterday. Pork and caramelised onion mmmmmmm. 

Then ill get on with the tasks. Done alot already though and its only 10.30am!!!! xx

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Checking in.. 3.30pm - i have incredible anxiety. In the pit of my body, swirling around, making me shudder. Will get a cup of tea and try breathing deeply. ..

 

- Take medication

- Write out address for all zine sales (62 sales) 

- Go to the post office to post them all off

- Send friends drawing i did

- Post drawing for my aunties birthday

- Clean kitchen

- Make a quiche

- Water the plants

- Do the daily drawing

- Learn something (art documentary/podcast) 

- Work on video commission

 

I have done quite a bit already. Just need to water the plants, draw and learn something. Will prob listen to an art podcast WHILST i draw. 

 

Quiche is in the oven. Feel like it isnt going to be as good this time :( think the pastry is too thick. Ah well. Its a learning curve haha

 

I just doubled over in pain. From the anxiety pangs. Fuck . horrible. Will maybe take some extra meds. xx

 

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Yikes, Liz

 

is there anything you can do to get a little extra self-love going on?

bath? break?  zoning out with a TV show or music??

 

not sure that any of these ideas are all that helpful- but yikes.

 

maybe even your art idea of the day needs to be more.... dramatic then normal.  something that channels your feelings.

 

"women facing a Storm of Anxiety"

"women with an umbrella close to volcanic eruption"

 

idk.

 

hope it passes and eases.

 

 

 

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https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/116426-im-awake/

the "NEW" normal is good with me! as Life was Never really Normal anyways....

 

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Sal your art! is so good! The Anxiety painting is terrifying - it's painfully real, quite brutal even. You've really been making a lot of excellent art pieces lately! Congratulations on your zine sales and on your quiche ❤️ i wish you didn't have to face anxiety, but your depiction of it is beautifully rendered.

 

Sending you all my love and best wishes, friend! I hope you have/are having a good day!

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Matthew 25:34-40

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Ah Sal, I'm so sorry, anxiety pain sucks and I hope your painting helped release a bit of it. I am really loving your work lately and I see a lot of you, your personality and experiences, in it. Thank you SO much for letting us see your work and catch a glimpse inside your brilliant mind!

  • Like 1

SKY ELVENWORD

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 45

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2021 Books in Progress:

How We Love (82%)  |  Talking Back to Purity Culture (64%)  |  Rhythms of Renewal (60%)  |  Beholding and Becoming (19%)  | What Did You Expect? (36%)  |  A Gentle Answer (0%) 
 

2021 Books Completed:
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  |  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban  |  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire   |  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  |  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince  |  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  |  Lady Windermere's Fan 

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18 hours ago, Maggie-Miau said:

Sal your art! is so good! The Anxiety painting is terrifying - it's painfully real, quite brutal even. You've really been making a lot of excellent art pieces lately! Congratulations on your zine sales and on your quiche ❤️ i wish you didn't have to face anxiety, but your depiction of it is beautifully rendered.

 

Sending you all my love and best wishes, friend! I hope you have/are having a good day!

 

Hey Mia, thank you ❤️ very kind of you to say :D xx

 

4 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Ah Sal, I'm so sorry, anxiety pain sucks and I hope your painting helped release a bit of it. I am really loving your work lately and I see a lot of you, your personality and experiences, in it. Thank you SO much for letting us see your work and catch a glimpse inside your brilliant mind!

 

Hello Sky, it did help was kind of cathartic. awww my brilliant mind, wow. THANK YOU ❤️ xx

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Hey all... yesterday was kinda nice?

 

Drove to south manc (20 mins) to pick up a new record (Bob Dylan) from a small record shop who were so grateful for the custom. Was nice to be in the car, windows down, music on :)

 

Then my friend popped round in the afternoon for a socially distant chat/glass of juice haha :) she also brought some lolly ices :D we sat in the yard and was good to catch up. 

 

I called my dad afterwards, he isnt doing very well. The nurse came round the other day and took bloods and two things have flagged up. He is waiting to hear from the doctor to see what to do next. They did ask if he wanted to be admitted to hospital, which is a worry. Its obviously serious. :( im scared. 

 

Anyway, after that i was exhausted, had dinner, then lay on my bed with Jackson, and fell asleep for an hour. Got up, made a tea, watched the Simpsons, then at 10.30pm i went to bed properly. Slept till 8am. Lay in bed for a bit dozing.

 

Now its 10.45am....just had a cuppa. Its nice weather, i will potter in the yard, and plant some wildflowers. The ones i already planted, have sprouted already :D which is so exciting. Tiny shoots of green!!

 

I also have work to do on the video. and my daily drawing....

 

- Take medication

- Clean kitchen & wash dishes

- Put bin out 

- Put a clothes wash on

- Email about video commission

- Work on video commission

- Daily drawing

- Plant seeds in yard

- Water plants

- Promote zine sales

- Learn something (art podcast)

- Have a bath/shower

 

Not massively busy really, i can take time with it all. Just trying to keep anxiety at bay as much as possible. xx

 

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Hey all. 3pm almost. Had a real weird couple of hours. Intense sobbing, followed by painting, followed by intense crying again. Right now, its the crying. I feel so sensitive, tiny things setting me off...feeling inadequate. Devestated that i cant help my dad. Disgust at myself, how i let myself go so much, looking like THIS. disgusting. 

 

I want to be desired, loved. I am so lonely and nothing can fix it. Even when im with my friends, i am feeling the ache of loneliness. I dont know what to do. 

Stupid stuff too, like wanting to be with my dad and watching Everton win a trophy, i dont want him to die before that happens. I want to see him, speak to him, hug him. 

 

I want someone to hold me, tell me it will be ok. 

 

I painted a bit, but had to stop as tears dropped onto the page. 

 

Sorry this is depressing. Ill make a cup of tea xx

  • Sad 1
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I wish I could say something to cheer you up. But I'm bad with words, even in my own language. I wish I could come over and hug you. But... you know... logistics. I wish I could help you in any way, but I realize I'm only some random dude on the internet, who just happened to visit the same forum. 

 

But even being this random dude, I want to say: I care about you. I FUCKIN' CARE!!! I want you to be happy, to feel good in your body, I want you to be successful, to fulfill your passions. I want you to find someone who will reciprocally claim you as their own. 

 

And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. We all love you Liz. I know sometimes it seems worthless - after all it's just words in the internet. But we all are living, breathing people who hold a place in their hearts for you. You are loved. You are admired. 

  • Like 2

I absolutely CAN run on caffeine and hatred. But only with a dash of milk.

Challenges' status: 

Spoiler

Not gonna Challenge anymore for now. I took Steve's words and started thinking in days and years. Challenges are just short-term distractions. 

 

#16 | #15 (Xmas mini) |  #14 | #13 | #12 | #11 | #10 | #9 | #8 | #7 | #6 | #5 | #4 | #3 | #2 | #1

 

Other activities: Bike build

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3 hours ago, Salinger said:

Hey all. 3pm almost. Had a real weird couple of hours. Intense sobbing, followed by painting, followed by intense crying again. Right now, its the crying. I feel so sensitive, tiny things setting me off...feeling inadequate. Devestated that i cant help my dad. Disgust at myself, how i let myself go so much, looking like THIS. disgusting. 

 

I want to be desired, loved. I am so lonely and nothing can fix it. Even when im with my friends, i am feeling the ache of loneliness. I dont know what to do. 

Stupid stuff too, like wanting to be with my dad and watching Everton win a trophy, i dont want him to die before that happens. I want to see him, speak to him, hug him. 

 

I want someone to hold me, tell me it will be ok. 

 

I painted a bit, but had to stop as tears dropped onto the page. 

 

Sorry this is depressing. Ill make a cup of tea xx

 

No need to apologize, Sal. It's good to get those feelings out.

 

It sounds like a lot of it could probably be stress related to your dad, just exacerbating all of your feelings about everything. It's not stupid to want to be with your dad, or to be afraid that you won't get to do those things. It's natural.

 

Can you talk to your therapist about your loneliness? Take this with a grain of salt but, to me, it often seems like you need to accept yourself for who you are. There's a quote that says something along the lines of, confidence isn't believing that everyone will like you, but knowing you don't need them to. Of course, everyone needs some form of human connection and there is nothing wrong with pursuing that, but i think it could be helpful for you to work on your self-talk and belief in yourself.

 

Now, while there's a lot to unpack regarding body-positivity and how there is nothing inherently wrong or ugly about being heavy, even if you have "let yourself go" the thing is, that's not ultimate cosmic failure or anything. sure you can't change instantaneously, but you can make whatever choices you want at any time. You've made choices in line with your goals before, and you can do it again and again and again as many times as you need to. Hang in there, yeah? 

 

but most importantly, sending you big hugs. Be gentle with yourself, yeah? ❤️love you so much!

  • Like 3

Matthew 25:34-40

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I'm glad to hear the art was therapeutic... though yikes Liz

 

is it just me or was this UNUSUALLY intense.  sometimes its hard to know cuz you know; we don't know.

 

but at any rate if It was Very (unusually) intense, I wonder why that is exactly... if it isn't- I wonder why your meds doesn't help a little more than it should.

 

now I say this...

but I live with a bipolar kid, too.

 

he's down to 2weeks left of school before he graduates and its bad.  he's definitely worked up and often upset.

getting the meds aint easy at all! and then, sometimes I wonder if they are trying as hard as they can to help.

 

you know American Health care.

 

most expensive health care in the developed world. and is it bad! (especially in rural areas like ours....)….

we'll lets just stop me right there

 

I don't want to get all political

 

and it might just be that bipolar is a hard hard condition to treat

------

anyways, you HANG in there! ok?

 

drink lots of tea!!! that's sure to help any genuinely british person. ;)

 

  • Like 3

https://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/116426-im-awake/

the "NEW" normal is good with me! as Life was Never really Normal anyways....

 

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It's super late here and I need to get to bed, but Sal, nothing you're feeling is weird or strange or invalid or silly or any of those things. You care deeply about your dad, you are isolated alone and craving deeper connections, you want to be able to do more for the people you love, including yourself. These are all such HUMAN feelings and you are such a beautiful, deeply human human.  ❤️ 

 

More tomorrow, but TGP and Aramis and Maggie are right, we all love you very much, just exactly as you are right now, even if you never ever changed again.  :) 

  • Like 2

SKY ELVENWORD

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 45

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

"Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people." - Fred Rogers

 

2021 Books in Progress:

How We Love (82%)  |  Talking Back to Purity Culture (64%)  |  Rhythms of Renewal (60%)  |  Beholding and Becoming (19%)  | What Did You Expect? (36%)  |  A Gentle Answer (0%) 
 

2021 Books Completed:
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets  |  Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban  |  Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire   |  Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix  |  Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince  |  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows  |  Lady Windermere's Fan 

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9 minutes ago, TGP said:

I'm glad to hear the art was therapeutic... though yikes Liz

 

is it just me or was this UNUSUALLY intense.  sometimes its hard to know cuz you know; we don't know.

 

but at any rate if It was Very (unusually) intense, I wonder why that is exactly... if it isn't- I wonder why your meds doesn't help a little more than it should.

 

 

 

Hey Jason, felt intense thats for sure. 

 

I wrote some sad words... and created a video. If any wants to see it, let me know. Here is a snippet of the text. 

 

 

Alcohol. Like sweet, body numbing liquid. A powerful catalyst for change, an enabler, I am a recovering thinkaholic.

 

I am thinking about burying that pen.

I am thinking about drilling a hole through my skull.

I am thinking about boxing my dreams up with masking tape.

I am thinking about crying at the window.

I am thinking about carving the word ‘no’ into my skin.

I am thinking about putting fingers down my throat as I lean over the toilet.

I am thinking about setting this house on fire.

I am thinking about closing my eyes as I race down the motorway.

I am thinking about minding my head.

 

I will stare blankly at the wall and follow the patterns in the paper until my eyes are bleary and yellow. Cracking my fingers until it hurts, I replace hero with zero.

 

I shared the full script with a friend, and the subsequent video, of me reading it. He said i am a genius HAHA

 

Anyway. Its 6.30am. Im listening to Elton John (thanks to @deftona's garden party)

 

Drinking tea....yes always haha

 

 

10 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

It's super late here and I need to get to bed, but Sal, nothing you're feeling is weird or strange or invalid or silly or any of those things. You care deeply about your dad, you are isolated alone and craving deeper connections, you want to be able to do more for the people you love, including yourself. These are all such HUMAN feelings and you are such a beautiful, deeply human human.  ❤️ 

 

More tomorrow, but TGP and Aramis and Maggie are right, we all love you very much, just exactly as you are right now, even if you never ever changed again.  :) 

 

Thank you Sky. For reassuring me. And for the love xx

 

....

 

I will try to have a better day, take my meds, make some art, plant some more seeds in the garden. Drink tea :P have a day time bath/shower. Listen to music. etc etc. 

 

I need to eat better ... more veggies for sure. 

 

xx

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Better do a list?

 

- Take medication

- Clean kitchen & wash dishes

- Put bin out 

- Email video commission to org

- Daily drawing/painting

- Plant seeds in yard

- Learn something (art podcast)

- Have a bath/shower

- See a friend

 

I sent the video and accompanying text to the organisation who commissioned me. this was the response...

 

Wow, Lizz that is a very honest piece of work. And I really connect with a very human and real version of the complexities and doubts of self care, in contrast to the simplified, commercial 'lifestyle' version, where you just buy all the right yoga accessories and everything is alright again. I think it's really really great. Thank you Lizz!

 

:) xx

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I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it.  I hope your dad recovers soon!!!  Also, I scrolled through the last few pages, and your art is awesome (both written and visual).  You are not a failure and you have not wasted your life!!!  Go wreck that to do list!!  Congrats on the feedback!!

  • Like 1

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” John Steinbeck

“Do I dare disturb the universe?” – T.S. Eliot

“You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.” – Toni Morrison

"All we have to do is decide what to do with the time given to us" JRR Tolkien

 

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On 5/23/2020 at 3:57 PM, Novaurora said:

I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it.  I hope your dad recovers soon!!!  Also, I scrolled through the last few pages, and your art is awesome (both written and visual).  You are not a failure and you have not wasted your life!!!  Go wreck that to do list!!  Congrats on the feedback!!

 

Thanks Nova. Very kind of you to say. Nice to see you in here ❤️ hoping you are well xx

 

On 5/23/2020 at 4:09 PM, Maggie-Miau said:

How are you today, Sal?

 

Hey Mia, more below :) xx

 

 

_____________

 

 

Hello all. Been a weird couple of days. Friday i got pretty drunk whilst zooming with friends, it was actually really nice. To just let go and talk ... i really love my friends so much. They inspire me. 

 

Saturday was hungover, slept a lot, had bacon butty, then when i felt better, i had a drive for 30 mins. Was SO WINDY and felt like the car would take off. Cleared my head a bit though. Then all afternoon i napped on and off and had pizza. So not good choices, food wise yesterday. I needed that though, to get drunk, to talk to friends, to sleep alot. 

 

Today, needs to be better. Needs to be more kind and thoughtful. 

 

 

- Take medication

- Clean kitchen & wash dishes

- Tidy main room

- Get boxes ready to take to the tip

- Daily drawing/painting

- Plant seeds in yard

- Water the plants

- Learn something (art podcast/art books)

- Have a bath/shower

 

Yesterday, i had three canvasses delivered .. they are pretty huge! :o now i need to think what to paint ... its a bit intimidating seeing them haha i wont rush into anything. But ill do some research i think first. plan the painting. 

 

I have to finish a painting i started (on paper) later today, its looking ok i think! will share later if i get it finished. 

 

This week I also want to do this....

 

- Bleach parts of the wall where damp is coming through

- Repaint over 

- Get an indoor plant for wall pot and attach to wall

- Go to the tip with boxes/rubbish

- Do two loads of washing

- Go through clothes and put away stuff i dont wear anymore, fold everything else and put in drawers

- Buy Jackson's litter tray bags

- Put new video on my website and write about it/share

- Register and top up new gas card

 

 

So these are jobs for the coming week. Written down so i dont forget. I can add to it as i remember stuff. 

 

i ALSO really really need to start exercising. Its actually pretty awful how sedentary i am. :( embarrassing really. Today  i need to plan the upcoming week. THREE workouts needed. Its not fucking much - i just need to do it. And eat better. *sigh* constant worry/stress. It shouldnt be though. 

 

Ok. This is long enough!

 

Thanks for those who checked up on me ❤️ xx

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9 hours ago, Salinger said:

embarrassing really.

9 hours ago, Salinger said:

*sigh* constant worry/stress. It shouldnt be though.

 

I don't know if this will help but, regardless of what society tends to say about this sort of thing, the truth is there's no morality attached to what you do with your body. you don't have to be fit to be a good person, and not being in the best shape doesn't mean you're a bad person. Shame doesn't need a place at your table, so to speak. Would it be more comfortable to tell yourself, until you believe it, that you're working out/making certain food choices/reaching for certain goals because you want to, and you want the benefits of those choices, rather than because of shame or feeling like you have to?

  • Like 1

Matthew 25:34-40

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Hey all. Had a busy afternoon. 

 

- Take medication

- Clean kitchen & wash dishes

- Tidy main room

- Get boxes ready to take to the tip

- Daily drawing/painting

- Plant seeds in yard

- Water the plants

- Learn something (art podcast/art books)

- Have a bath/shower

 

Took meds, running out so need to order more tmoro. Couldnt be bothered to clean much but sorted the kitchen a bit. 

 

Planted seeds and watered yard. 

Read some of the art book i have. Amazing and inspiring. 

 

Started a really big painting. 110cm by 78cm :o canvass. Its so fucking weird. My brain is a bit strange obviously.... here is a peek at the progress today. 

 

(yes thats a person being shit on by a funky chicken hahahah) 

 

 

100073602_613081732752689_8995457243650457600_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_sid=b96e70&_nc_oc=AQmkEzKNx0CqYDAZUWFUQ4EHGGsA0mz1TJ47G52bZyK3_0XHFHLzS3twwhQWQzCC1Qw&_nc_ht=scontent-lht6-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=8613f6ba1bdf176943603ca842f1e650&oe=5EF1A576

 

100051337_2535560246706065_6785238219538563072_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_sid=b96e70&_nc_oc=AQkvSf7F8oU9R_9zIODHUATskXUDc5pQa58DqKFn-MwKnXrd60_H03etBrN4SYWod0A&_nc_ht=scontent-lhr8-1.xx&_nc_tp=7&oh=94776d869b7365e3df60b0e381079787&oe=5EF0955B

 

 

Anyway. I am really starting to feel bad again, mentally. Just sort of hits me. Horrible. I guess thats why ive been painting stuff which is so mad. Because i feel desperate and vulnerable?!

 

Im unsure what to 'add' to it .... it doesnt feel finiished but ill sit and look at it and leave for now. 

 

Any ideas?

 

Its 6.30pm. I feel sick actually, with anxiety. I will try my best to keep calm. xx

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