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Lara

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10 minutes ago, Sciread77 said:

It’s hard for men to bond with babies when they’re literally inside you. But if you can spend time with them once they arrive that changes. It took longer for me with my boys. I had to go back to work a few days after the first was born and the day the second came home. But when my daughter arrived my company had started giving 16 weeks of parental leave, and I got to spend the first four months with her. Jessie has to go back to work only 7 weeks later so Bo Peep and I spent a HUGE amount of time together. It was amazing and I still feel a little closer to her than the boys. Although being home with her also gave me more time with them and really helped our relationship. 

 

I hope he has the opportunity to spend a lot of time caring and changing and feeding the baby after the birth because for guys, that’s when the magic happens. 

Fortunately here we all have paid parental leaves, not very long, but that's something. This year it's 16 weeks for the mother (there are also 4 extra weeks to extend breastfeeding, and 30 extra days if part of your leave overlaps with holidays, which is my case) and 12 for the father. Next year both will have 16 weeks. Also, except for the first 6 weeks of rest that are mandatory to take right after birth (4 for the father), the remaining ones can be distributed throughout the first year of the kid as the parents need.

 

13 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Sounds like the same phenomenon that prevents him from seeing all the animals you see on your walks. 😄

LOL! He thinks the same! "This is like when you go out and you see foxes and deers and when I go with you we don't see a shit. You just make everything up" :D

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11 minutes ago, zenLara said:

Fortunately here we all have paid parental leaves, not very long, but that's something. This year it's 16 weeks for the mother (there are also 4 extra weeks to extend breastfeeding, and 30 extra days if part of your leave overlaps with holidays, which is my case) and 12 for the father. Next year both will have 16 weeks. Also, except for the first 6 weeks of rest that are mandatory to take right after birth (4 for the father), the remaining ones can be distributed throughout the first year of the kid as the parents need.


I wish our country had something like that, and I hope my company doesn’t pull the plug on that before another baby comes. Since we’re hoping for one more. 
 

Distributing it sounds awesome.  We have a big all-or-nothing block. 

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Perennial goals: Sleep 7+ hours a night, retain (and continue to learn) French and Spanish as a family, increase Spanish Proficiency for work and play,  read like a maniac on my own and with my kids, carry heavy stuff

Long term goals: Cut to 13-15% bodyfat, And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a baaaaarge! -> Someday I'll challenge a Disney world Gaston to a push up contest and win

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1 hour ago, Sciread77 said:


I wish our country had something like that, and I hope my company doesn’t pull the plug on that before another baby comes. Since we’re hoping for one more. 
 

Distributing it sounds awesome.  We have a big all-or-nothing block. 

We usually complain about our maternity leave because it is shorter than in other european countries (although we receive our full salary during the leave and some of those other countries don't do it or pay it in full only during part of the leave), and also because if the WHO recommends to breastfeed for at least 6 months, then the leave should cover at least that in full. But yes, of course, other countries are in a worse situation.

I hope your company will keep supporting the leave, and that that baby comes soon :)

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1 hour ago, zenLara said:

We usually complain about our maternity leave because it is shorter than in other european countries (although we receive our full salary during the leave and some of those other countries don't do it or pay it in full only during part of the leave), and also because if the WHO recommends to breastfeed for at least 6 months, then the leave should cover at least that in full. But yes, of course, other countries are in a worse situation.

I hope your company will keep supporting the leave, and that that baby comes soon :)


Thanks!

 

And six months to a year is far more reasonable. We technically can take 12 weeks unpaid if we’ve worked somewhere for at least a year, but you also have to pay another mortgage payment to keep your health insurance during that time and frankly, only the rich could even afford to take 12 weeks unpaid much less add another massive payment when a new baby comes!

 

And me too. 

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Character Sheet Training Logs Challenges Prepping for Adventure PrepAdventure Prep Fall BabyWhen Are We Again, Anyway?WhirlwindThe Leaf's LocusHarnessing Hamingja New Roots More Beginnings, More Roots Cleaning Up Facing The Hailstorm Yo Ho Yo The... Keto Life For Me? Taming the Beast Another Step Towards the Future Baking, Suburban Homesteading, and Health, The Adventurers of the Lucky Vale IIIIIIIVVVI, VII VIIIIX

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Perennial goals: Sleep 7+ hours a night, retain (and continue to learn) French and Spanish as a family, increase Spanish Proficiency for work and play,  read like a maniac on my own and with my kids, carry heavy stuff

Long term goals: Cut to 13-15% bodyfat, And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a baaaaarge! -> Someday I'll challenge a Disney world Gaston to a push up contest and win

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11 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

We technically can take 12 weeks unpaid if we’ve worked somewhere for at least a year, but you also have to pay another mortgage payment to keep your health insurance during that time

😨 that's awful

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Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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May 19 update.

 

Goal 1.

Began preparing hospital bag.

 

Goal 2.

Walking 50'

Yoga 25'

4 flights of stairs

10 lunges

8 knee push-ups

 

Goal 3.

Nope.

 

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He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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2 hours ago, zenLara said:

😨 that's awful


Oh yeah. And that was enacted in 1993. 

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Character Sheet Training Logs Challenges Prepping for Adventure PrepAdventure Prep Fall BabyWhen Are We Again, Anyway?WhirlwindThe Leaf's LocusHarnessing Hamingja New Roots More Beginnings, More Roots Cleaning Up Facing The Hailstorm Yo Ho Yo The... Keto Life For Me? Taming the Beast Another Step Towards the Future Baking, Suburban Homesteading, and Health, The Adventurers of the Lucky Vale IIIIIIIVVVI, VII VIIIIX

Spoiler

Perennial goals: Sleep 7+ hours a night, retain (and continue to learn) French and Spanish as a family, increase Spanish Proficiency for work and play,  read like a maniac on my own and with my kids, carry heavy stuff

Long term goals: Cut to 13-15% bodyfat, And now that I'm grown I eat five dozen eggs, so I'm roughly the size of a baaaaarge! -> Someday I'll challenge a Disney world Gaston to a push up contest and win

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May 20 update.

 

Goal 1.

Nothing.

 

Goal 2.

Walking 1h10' + 20' = 1h30

 

Goal 3.

I'm not sure how much is it due to my strategy, but I feel less stressed about this lately.

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He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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I know I’m way behind threads but I wanted to add about dads being helpful in during birth—one of the most valuable things Mr did for me was chasing up midwives and doctors when they (fairly) got distracted. I would not have been released as soon as I was (23 hours after giving birth) if he hadn’t been constantly making sure that the tasks were getting done. And when we were readmitted a few days later (jaundice) he was the one who created mandates with the doctors on exactly under what circumstances we had to meet to be released again, and making sure that they were followed up on (while I was being an emotional wreck). 

 

(He was also the supportive rock before during and after. And he wasn’t much for in utero bonding, but much more so once he was born. He did most of the holding the first hour after birth as I was in mild shock from the experience and blood loss.)

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3 hours ago, Ann of Vries said:

I know I’m way behind threads but I wanted to add about dads being helpful in during birth—one of the most valuable things Mr did for me was chasing up midwives and doctors when they (fairly) got distracted. I would not have been released as soon as I was (23 hours after giving birth) if he hadn’t been constantly making sure that the tasks were getting done. And when we were readmitted a few days later (jaundice) he was the one who created mandates with the doctors on exactly under what circumstances we had to meet to be released again, and making sure that they were followed up on (while I was being an emotional wreck). 

 

(He was also the supportive rock before during and after. And he wasn’t much for in utero bonding, but much more so once he was born. He did most of the holding the first hour after birth as I was in mild shock from the experience and blood loss.)

Thanks for your story. I'll have him read your message too :)

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He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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May 21 update.

 

Goal 1.

Another birth course video.

 

Goal 2.

Walking 1h10'

Daily stretches 25'

 

Goal 3.

Quite good today, didn't check the site but a couple of times, and one of them I found an interesting article written by B. Russell, so it was productive.

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He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

Adventures don't start until you get into the forest.

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May 22 update.

 

I don't even need to wait to the end of the day to know nothing is going to happen today. It's one of the tough ones.

Spent the night waking up every hour or so to pee. Really. Every f*** hour. Then at 4am I realised I wasn't going to sleep anymore because I was starving, but I couldn't eat because my blood tests had been rescheduled for today. So I spent the following 5 hours feeling like shit, and by the moment I could eat something it was way too late. Day has been awful mostly. I'm a little bit better now, but I'm sure writing this message is probably going to be the only thing done today.

Anyway, weekend is here. I have time to rest and recover... and catch up with work, ugh.

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He who conquers others is strong; he who conquers himself is mighty.

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Bleurgh, sorry you've had a crappy day. I hope the weekend brings you the lovely things you deserve. 

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Hope your weekend is better!

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Hon, you say you have an easy pregnancy and aren't uncomfortable- but the fatigue is pretty darn uncomfortable, right? I'm glad you are having good days too, but don't feel like you can't complain just because you haven't got constipation or swollen feet or something like that. 

 

Adding to the dad stories; 

During labour I very much preferred everyone to shut up and not touch me- so Jaap really could do nothing at all except sit there x) 

But after the baby arrived he was invaluable in protecting my boundaries (basically making other people also shut up and not touch me, haha) and I really loved that he was the one to first take her from me, the first to put on a diaper and clothes, little big things like that ❤️ 

 

On 5/19/2020 at 9:36 PM, zenLara said:

We usually complain about our maternity leave because it is shorter than in other european countries (although we receive our full salary during the leave and some of those other countries don't do it or pay it in full only during part of the leave), and also because if the WHO recommends to breastfeed for at least 6 months, then the leave should cover at least that in full. But yes, of course, other countries are in a worse situation.

Hehe, we do the same complaining in the Netherlands (we get 12 weeks and the dad used to get 1 day but now gets 2 weeks I think)... but being on NF and hearing some stories really put that into perspective for me and now I feel more privileged. I'm glad yours also seems decent!  

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13 hours ago, KB Girl said:

do the same complaining in the Netherlands (we get 12 weeks and the dad used to get 1 day but now gets 2 weeks I think)... but being on NF and hearing some stories really put that into perspective for me and now I feel more privileged. I'm glad yours also seems decent!  

 

Parental leave is always a big topic in the UK where it’s touted as one of the worst systems in Europe. But I’m from the US where it’s a total joke, so what the women get here seem like a dream... (paternity leave still has a lot to be desired, though). 

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Thanks everybody for your words. It's nice to open the thread and read your messages ❤️

 

Yesterday was still a bad day, mostly spent laying down, couldn't focus even on reading. Today had to spend part of my morning catching up with work, not fun.

Flipping baby is still flipping, and has even come back to use some previous positions, like transverse and v/u positions. I have an appointment with the gyn on tuesday, I'll ask her about it. On the other hand, she is supernice and responds to every touch (mine).

 

There was some anxiety about after birth visitors.

Spoiler

My brother absolutely wants to come as soon as possible to see the child (if covid alarm state allows for it), and I wouldn't have any problem with it if he weren't taking his wife with him. I think I've said enough about her on my battle log a while ago. We will not have the time or the mental nor physical state to have to deal with someone like her. He is full of good intentions, but seems to have suddenly forgotten there is no way he can't keep his promise of "doing everything" so we only take care of the kid. He has not even the basic cooking skills, and he would suddenly have to take care of all of us? Given that his wife is not going to move a finger and it's just going to sit there in a chair until food appears before her (and she always asks for a different dish because there are so many things she won't eat, which means preparing two different dishes every meal), and that he is unable to make an organised groceries shopping that goes beyond bread, cheese and some nuts, do I really want to have them at home for days right after giving birth? NO, I DON'T. They are like f*** kids when it comes to cooking and keeping a house, we always need to take care of absolutely everything. Can't they really see that? If at least he came alone, it wouldn't give us much work to have one more person with us for meals and such, but if she's in the deal it's a big no.

I thought that an easier solution for everybody would be to find them a place where they could stay (5 people in this small appartment in july is way too much people anyway - and we have to add the grossness of my sister-in-law's lack of hygiene) and in that way they could make short visits along the day, or join us to have lunch, and so, but my brother insisted he would be helpful 🙄

My parents haven't said anything yet, but that would be even worse if they try to come all at once (relationship with parents is not good, to say the least). I don't even want to think about that. Although that would make it easier to convince everybody to stay somewhere else, because there is no way we can do with 4 visitors camping at home. Also, if I'm sleep deprived enough I would probably try to kill my mother, so let's better find a way for everybody to keep some distance.

 

 

Week 2? recap.

 

Goal 1.

Most things are already done. I'll wait for the last minute to add food and clothes to my hospital bag. We will print today the birth plan, go over it once more, and make copies to bring it to the hospital.

I even went farther than my goals and bought (online) a couple of breastfeeding bras and a ring sling (we got one from a friend but the fabric seemed way too thick to use in summer).

 

Goal 2.

Walking 6h

Yoga 50m

Daily streches 25m (I may do some again this afternoon, I'm not sure)

Quite good, considering I only had 5 active days.

 

Goal 3.

Got some good days.

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My mother wanted to come to stay when I had my kiddo. I told her no.

 

i don’t have a great relationship with her either (but at least she can cook and clean unlike your brother/SIL). She’s a bit of a control freak and any cooking requires her to go to an Asian market which we don’t have any handily down the street. But more to the issue is that she doesn’t really understand English (and I don’t speak Korean; this is definitely part of our relationship issues) and I’ve moved to a foreign country. (Despite language issues, she has lived in the US for 40 years—just stayed in a very Korean segment of it.)

 

When she did come to visit, for Enting’s 1st birthday, I had to keep translating English to simplified English because she couldn’t understand anything anyone was saying through their accents, and hold her hand around the UK because she didn’t know how anything functioned around here. These things are completely understandable—it is, indeed, a foreign country in which she doesn’t really speak the language—but it did make me feel that my decision a year prior was correct—even if she didn’t want to be difficult and only help, I only needed one new person to look after.

 

On the other hand, friend of mine is due in a couple of weeks and really upset her mother can’t come to stay like she did for the previous baby. She has a different relationship.

 

You only need your baby to look after. If people aren’t going to be helpful, then you are in your total right to keep them away in whatever way is most appropriate to your relationship. And don’t let them guilt you otherwise.

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When my younger brother was born, my father was in Iraq (this was in 1991 for reference). I was 9. My father had this wonderful idea that my uncle could stay with us and help my mother until other family could make arrangements to come (it ended up being a week). It was a nightmare for my mother. She needed to have a c-section (unplanned) and, while her recovery was normal, it was still difficult. 

 

At 9, I ended up being more helpful that my adult uncle and my mother STILL complains about dealing with him. Don't let someone push you into accepting something you're not fully comfortable with. If you think it'd be helpful to have your family there, then set strict rules in place and enforce them. You are going to be going through enough, you don't need additional stress because people think they are helping. ❤️ 

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On 5/24/2020 at 6:05 PM, Ann of Vries said:

but it did make me feel that my decision a year prior was correct—even if she didn’t want to be difficult and only help, I only needed one new person to look after.

Totally the right decision, yes. Would have been, as you say, another person to take care of, instead of having some relief in your situation.

 

On 5/24/2020 at 6:05 PM, Ann of Vries said:

And don’t let them guilt you otherwise.

They don't even have to try, I'm good enough at feeling guilty on my own :( My boyfriend thinks exactly the same: this is a situation where I have to look for myself and the kid, and everybody else should understand, and if not, well, screw them. To me, words sound good, but in the inside I feel like the problem is me, and that I'm being selfish. I'll have to work on those feelings.

 

On 5/24/2020 at 6:19 PM, Sylvaa said:

At 9, I ended up being more helpful that my adult uncle and my mother STILL complains about dealing with him.

If she still complains after all these years, it must have been really something 😮

 

On 5/24/2020 at 6:19 PM, Sylvaa said:

Don't let someone push you into accepting something you're not fully comfortable with. If you think it'd be helpful to have your family there, then set strict rules in place and enforce them. You are going to be going through enough, you don't need additional stress because people think they are helping. ❤️ 

Thanks for putting it in such clear words. As I said to Ann, I'm ok with how it sounds, but anyway it creates plenty of anxiety because they don't seem to understand how the situation might be for me. For every argument I've tried to use, my brother has found a satisfying reply (satisfying for him), and doesn't seem to be able to empathise with my feelings or worries.

 

9 hours ago, Quirky Quinn said:

I hope things are at least a little bit more comfortable for you Lara!

Yes, thank you. I had a so-so day yesterday, and today I've been able to behave like a more or less regular human.

 

Now, a medical update.

Spoiler

Had an appointment today. Things look back to normal at the hospital, with some logical hygiene and distance rules.

 

Kid is doing well. Weight and height numbers are normal, the placenta is in its place and working, and I have a very slight anemia now, but nothing to worry about.

Doctor was really nice, and answered all my questions, which were quite a few. She said it is indeed weird that the kid keeps moving so much by this stage, but that it wouldn't be the first time she sees this, so I should not worry. Apparently to prove a point, little chickpea kicked the ultrasound scanner off my belly a few times.

 

Doc also said they're not following other hospitals' protocols regarding covid (c-sections or induced labors with no other reasons than the virus itself). This is a huge relief.

 

Doctor was a bit surprised when she saw my pregnacy had been previously classified as medium risk, but then she saw I had gone through an in vitro process to get pregnant and explained me that was the reason. The good news about this is: same as the midwife told me last month, she said that although in vitro pregnancies use to give way more trouble than those that come from a natural conception, this is not my case, and gyn said that given how my pregnancy has gone, she wouldn't be expecting any trouble during labor, and her thoughts are that it might be a quite easy birth. Awesome. BUT. She also said that in vitro pregnancies can get not so nice when they go past week 40, and that they don't usually let things go farther than that and induce around 40+2 or 40+3. It made me feel a bit stressed and sad. I have to say, though, that she didn't go all "you'll be induced at 40+3 no matter what", but said that if labor hasn't begun when week 40 is due, I should call for an appointment, and they'll check baby's state and decide from what they see. It's not like they have a strict protocol and will follow it blindly, but she said I should accept being induced is a real possibility.

Also, as I suspected, there will be no other appointments or monitoring of any sort, due to the virus, so I'm on my own until labor starts.

 

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29 minutes ago, zenLara said:

For every argument I've tried to use, my brother has found a satisfying reply (satisfying for him), and doesn't seem to be able to empathise with my feelings or worries.

Refusal to take no for an answer us unacceptable. Trying to explain is pointless with someone not seeing anyone else's point of view but their own.

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10 hours ago, zenLara said:

Now, a medical update.

That's great news!  I hope everything stays that way and you do in fact have a relatively easy delivery :) 

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I’m glad things are sounding good. I remember having a panic at 32 weeks because I had no idea how things were meant to proceed with delivery (turns out the 32 week appointment is where they talk about that), and I was born prem at 32 weeks so I’m like “but I was already here by now! I need to know just in case!”. I mentioned earlier I had an induction and made it through—they can be faffy (mine started very quickly), but they get the job done ^_^ 

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23 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Refusal to take no for an answer us unacceptable. Trying to explain is pointless with someone not seeing anyone else's point of view but their own.

You are right. All of you are right.

And I hope that once I have Wolvie in my arms I'll find it easier to say no without the guilt. I mean, I can say no, now, but my feelings don't agree with my thoughts :(

 

13 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

That's great news!  I hope everything stays that way and you do in fact have a relatively easy delivery :) 

Let's cross fingers. I don't know how it will go for me, but it is reassuring to know the doctor thinks it is going to be easy for her. That is a lot.

 

9 hours ago, Ann of Vries said:

I’m glad things are sounding good. I remember having a panic at 32 weeks because I had no idea how things were meant to proceed with delivery (turns out the 32 week appointment is where they talk about that), and I was born prem at 32 weeks so I’m like “but I was already here by now! I need to know just in case!”. I mentioned earlier I had an induction and made it through—they can be faffy (mine started very quickly), but they get the job done ^_^ 

Oh, wow, week 32... I've left behind my 36 without knowing a shit about anything 😅 I'm glad internet exists, otherwise I would be going to labor totally blind.

I know that an induction can be really helpful when it is needed, and if the kid is in distress I will have no problem to accept that being induced is the way to go. Only that inductions are usually followed by a cascade of other interventions, and it feels like not much would be in my hands from that moment on. Also, if there is this problem with IVF pregnancies, it would have been nice to have the information from the beginning or at least mid-pregnancy, but nobody mentioned it. Knowing it earlier would have helped to slowly move towards acceptance. Instead, by now I've spent the past 24 hours thinking about whether I'll be able to start on my own before the due date. I guess it'll be easier as days go by.

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