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 My doctor told me to walk every day. It really does a lot to bring down my blood sugar and blood pressure and calm the anxiety.  I would say if you can’t do anything else, just get out of the house for a little while every day and take a walk. It will do you a lot of good in many ways. Move the body, maybe some time away from the insanity in your house might help calm your mind. Do it every day for one week, just to see what happens. It’s not much, but a good place to start.

I know this will be very hard, but try to claim your space and boundaries so you do have a space of your own. Is there someone who can fix up a way to keep the bedroom door closed? Put up a do not disturb sign a couple of hours a day and tell them to respect it. “Not now, in half an hour!” Or maybe one of those signs like in the stores “Back at two!” I know, but if you only do it for a limited time every day and are consistent about it you might have a chance of teaching them what it means. I didn’t have a lot of rules with my kids, but the ones I had were simple and I was consistent. I taught them to pick up their toys by putting my hand on top of theirs and walking them around picking up the toys. I had to do that for a long time, but eventually they learned to pick up on their own. You might have to take it to toddler level and take a few weeks to teach them to give you a consistent hour a day to yourself. 
I hope this helps.

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7 hours ago, Emma said:


 My doctor told me to walk every day. It really does a lot to bring down my blood sugar and blood pressure and calm the anxiety.  I would say if you can’t do anything else, just get out of the house for a little while every day and take a walk. It will do you a lot of good in many ways. Move the body, maybe some time away from the insanity in your house might help calm your mind. Do it every day for one week, just to see what happens. It’s not much, but a good place to start.

I know this will be very hard, but try to claim your space and boundaries so you do have a space of your own. Is there someone who can fix up a way to keep the bedroom door closed? Put up a do not disturb sign a couple of hours a day and tell them to respect it. “Not now, in half an hour!” Or maybe one of those signs like in the stores “Back at two!” I know, but if you only do it for a limited time every day and are consistent about it you might have a chance of teaching them what it means. I didn’t have a lot of rules with my kids, but the ones I had were simple and I was consistent. I taught them to pick up their toys by putting my hand on top of theirs and walking them around picking up the toys. I had to do that for a long time, but eventually they learned to pick up on their own. You might have to take it to toddler level and take a few weeks to teach them to give you a consistent hour a day to yourself. 
I hope this helps.

And to add to this, your goal is not to go for x number of steps or y number of miles or z number of minutes. Your goal is to get outside your house in a condition in which you can walk. If you get outside, you win. Any walking after that is a bonus.

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Not ignoring y’all. Just didn’t have coffee today so braining is hard. 

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20 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Not ignoring y’all. Just didn’t have coffee today so braining is hard. 

Um, so how do we donate coffee?

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15 hours ago, Emma said:

 My doctor told me to walk every day. It really does a lot to bring down my blood sugar and blood pressure and calm the anxiety.  I would say if you can’t do anything else, just get out of the house for a little while every day and take a walk. It will do you a lot of good in many ways. Move the body, maybe some time away from the insanity in your house might help calm your mind. Do it every day for one week, just to see what happens. It’s not much, but a good place to start.

This has been on the to do list for a long time and I just... haven't. I have a similar issue with exercise as I do with cooking. If I go do literally anything, even just go for a walk, my father starts in on an interrogation. When I was doing couch to 5k a few years ago I'd come home right around the time he was leaving for work and every. single. time. he would ask me how long I went for, what distance I covered, how did I decide those lengths, etc. And I would tell him every time that I had an app on my phone that told me when and how. And then we'd do the same thing the next day and he'd get mad that I was annoyed by it. There are other examples but that's the easiest one to share. So it just makes me reluctant to do literally anything. Obviously I need to get past it but ugh. 

 

15 hours ago, Emma said:

I know this will be very hard, but try to claim your space and boundaries so you do have a space of your own. Is there someone who can fix up a way to keep the bedroom door closed? Put up a do not disturb sign a couple of hours a day and tell them to respect it. “Not now, in half an hour!” Or maybe one of those signs like in the stores “Back at two!” I know, but if you only do it for a limited time every day and are consistent about it you might have a chance of teaching them what it means. I didn’t have a lot of rules with my kids, but the ones I had were simple and I was consistent. I taught them to pick up their toys by putting my hand on top of theirs and walking them around picking up the toys. I had to do that for a long time, but eventually they learned to pick up on their own. You might have to take it to toddler level and take a few weeks to teach them to give you a consistent hour a day to yourself. 
I hope this helps.

Yeahhhh I should figure this out too. I'm so used to boundaries not being a thing I forget I should still have them. 

 

15 hours ago, Emma said:

Getting some regular exercise might help with sleep too. 

Definitely hoping for this too. 

 

8 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

And to add to this, your goal is not to go for x number of steps or y number of miles or z number of minutes. Your goal is to get outside your house in a condition in which you can walk. If you get outside, you win. Any walking after that is a bonus.

Ah, baby steps. My mortal enemy. But yeah I can probably make this work better than "must walk a 5k or it doesn't count."

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Um, so how do we donate coffee?

Starbucks delivers on UberEats. ;) But nah, I skipped it on purpose when I got up and then by the time I was actually feeling the lack of it it was too late to have any if I want to attempt sleeping tonight. 

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So. Today I went to a dermatologist to get a tiny mole checked out because it was bleeding a week or two ago and fuck that. She looks at it and first says it looks like an irritated mole, then that it could be an ingrown hair. If I've had an ingrown hair on my side for several years I think there would be other problems? But she said she could remove it if I wanted and I said yes, because between my father's skin cancer and his mother having it as well, I'm not playing games. There's now a single stitch in my side and I have to go back in 2 weeks to get it taken out. So annoying. It's right in the bra band area too, so it's a good thing I don't have any reason to wear a bra for now. 

 

In other news, on Sunday I decided I'm just going to do one adulting/productive thing to call a day a win. And so far I'm 5/5 for that. It's such a low bar, but it does feel good to look back at the end of the day and be like "yep, did my thing. good work." I wish the weather weren't so miserable so I could get more done. If I wanted tropical humidity I would live in the tropics. Not fucking New England. I hate being hot and sweaty. If I'm working out that's one thing, it comes with the territory. But working up a sweat just by existing? Fuck that. Today didn't actually feel as terrible to me as it was supposed to, until I'd gone out and then came back to realize my house was like 10 degrees hotter than outside was. 

 

And now I'm bored. I'm at the end of FFXII again and just doing a few pain in the ass random questy things to finish it off 100%, and I'm bored of it. But I want to finish it. But I'm bored. Meh. 

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On 7/6/2020 at 10:33 AM, fleaball said:

Dear brain, stop finding new things to bring up in therapy until we’ve fixed some of the other stuff. Thanks. 

 

These musings actually sound like you are discovering more pieces of the puzzle/preliminary steps you have to take or find alternatives to before you can address the rest. That is good.

 

32 minutes ago, fleaball said:

There are other examples but that's the easiest one to share. So it just makes me reluctant to do literally anything. Obviously I need to get past it but ugh. 

 

Have you ever seen him get shaken by anything? I suppose just going absolutely hysterical anytime he tries to ask isn't going to work even if you felt like doing that?

 

He already thinks women are... Whatever sexists think. Why not show him what it would be like if women are really like he paints reality to be? 

 

How about ordering a camera where you film him every time he does that when you come home for a few weeks, save the files and back it up on the cloud, and next time threaten to show the clips to all of his friends that think he is a regular easy-going guy?

 

EDIT: whew, I vindictive side is out. Excuse me if it all sounds a bit much. But like you said, your health is on the line here.

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Aaaaaaaand I’m pretty sure my father is jacking off in the shower. With the bathroom door open. What are boundaries again?

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55 minutes ago, analoggirl said:

Have you ever seen him get shaken by anything? I suppose just going absolutely hysterical anytime he tries to ask isn't going to work even if you felt like doing that?

 

He already thinks women are... Whatever sexists think. Why not show him what it would be like if women are really like he paints reality to be? 

 

How about ordering a camera where you film him every time he does that when you come home for a few weeks, save the files and back it up on the cloud, and next time threaten to show the clips to all of his friends that think he is a regular easy-going guy?

 

You can't out Narc a Narcissist. 

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6 minutes ago, analoggirl said:

Have you ever seen him get shaken by anything? I suppose just going absolutely hysterical anytime he tries to ask isn't going to work even if you felt like doing that?

 

How about ordering a camera where you film him every time he does that when you come home, save the files and back it up on the cloud, and next time threaten to show the clips to all of his friends that think he is a regular easy-going guy?

The flaw in your plan is assuming he has friends. But no, he's such a professional victim that even if i were to shame him publicly I would be the bad guy and he'd be totally unfazed by it. See Tank's reply. Plus this behavior can be easily explained away. Which he's tried with me. "I'm just curious. I'm just trying to talk to you. I'm just trying to take an interest in what you're doing." So then it's my fault for not letting him in. :rolleyes:

 

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36 minutes ago, fleaball said:

The flaw in your plan is assuming he has friends.

 

Those people at the party you were asked to go to with him ages ago? I am sure there are people he sees as necessary to his narc-ing. Shoulda put friends between apostrophes.

 

36 minutes ago, fleaball said:

So then it's my fault for not letting him in.

 

52 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You can't out Narc a Narcissist. 

 

I know the only way to "deal" with a narcissist is to simply leave them/not deal with them at all but something, anything needs to happen right now. 

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Two of my neighbors (men) retired at roughly the same time (this was some years ago when I was living with my mother). Their wives had been stay at home moms. Within six months of their husbands’s retirements, both wives had full time jobs. Something about the men criticizing how the wives did the vacuuming. (Like the ladies hadn’t been doing it successfully for thirty years already). 
Your dad needs another job or a time consuming hobby or some volunteer work to keep him out of your hair :) 

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1 hour ago, analoggirl said:

I know the only way to "deal" with a narcissist is to simply leave them/not deal with them at all but something, anything needs to happen right now. 

You’re saying that like I’m not doing anything at all. Just because I’m not reporting it here doesn’t mean nothing’s happening. 
 

Also, I could move halfway across the world right now and I would still be afraid to exercise. I would still be afraid of cooking. And getting a job and talking to strangers and everything else that bothers me right now. This isn’t just a situational thing where if my father disappears from my life I magically become a fully functional human. This is all a result of decades of trauma and making a scene every time he does something that bothers me isn’t going to change any of that. And considering I’m currently stuck living here with no other options for the foreseeable future thanks to my country being a dumpster fire, why the fuck would I start antagonizing him and making it all worse? 
 

1 hour ago, Emma said:

Two of my neighbors (men) retired at roughly the same time (this was some years ago when I was living with my mother). Their wives had been stay at home moms. Within six months of their husbands’s retirements, both wives had full time jobs. Something about the men criticizing how the wives did the vacuuming. (Like the ladies hadn’t been doing it successfully for thirty years already). 
Your dad needs another job or a time consuming hobby or some volunteer work to keep him out of your hair :) 

That’s hilarious. I totally agree though. I was giving him time after retirement to get used to it and realize he was bored out of his mind, and then boom, virus shuts everything down. He’s climbing walls right now because he hates being stuck in the house. Unfortunately he’s far too technologically challenged to do any kind of remote volunteering or anything, so I’m waiting for things to open back up a bit. I do have a small list going of things to push him into, they’re just not options right now. (He expressed interest in volunteering at the VA but even if they were looking for people right now I’d talk him out of going to a hospital on a regular basis.) 

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15 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I do have a small list going of things to push him into

Spoiler

 

1. ravine

2. dumpster fire

3. nest of starved rats

4. oncoming traffic

...

 

 

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27 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:
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1. ravine

2. dumpster fire

3. nest of starved rats

4. oncoming traffic

...

 

 

#3 sounds like something out of the Saw franchise. Wasn’t it a medieval torture method too?

 

yeah no. I was gonna google it to be sure but I really don’t need to see those search results. 

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49 minutes ago, fleaball said:

#3 sounds like something out of the Saw franchise. Wasn’t it a medieval torture method too?

Pretty sure I saw it in some movie or other, but I don't know the background

 

[checks google on your behalf]

 

Hmmm, there are only a couple actual documented cases from the middle ages but it was popular in fiction.  However, a few South American dictatorships in the 60s-80s apparently read such accounts and implemented them :(  

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23 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

Pretty sure I saw it in some movie or other, but I don't know the background

 

[checks google on your behalf]

 

Hmmm, there are only a couple actual documented cases from the middle ages but it was popular in fiction.  However, a few South American dictatorships in the 60s-80s apparently read such accounts and implemented them :(  

yikes

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I’m supposed to keep this goddamn wound covered for two weeks. While sweating balls in ridiculous weather, and being allergic to adhesive, and trying not to move my entire left side because every time I do it dislodges the bandage. I don’t regret asking them to remove and test it but I’m probably going to complain about it every day for the next 13 days. 

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8 hours ago, fleaball said:

You’re saying that like I’m not doing anything at all. Just because I’m not reporting it here doesn’t mean nothing’s happening. 

 

That's not how I meant it. I was projecting my own feeling of uselessness, because I wish I could do more, I am sorry.

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I don't know if I have said this before but this used to happen to me all the time. My desire to just remove all hurt from people somehow lead to me saying something that sounded terrible.

 

I have become a lot better at it but apparently this tendency of mine is still there. Sorry if it sounded that way. I admire your resilience.

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Yeah no, that still does not sound like the right thing to say. I am just going to stop messaging for a bit because I am a bit emotional atm. I would be grateful if you ignored my messages from today/erased it from your memory lol :) (See, even this sounded dramatic! Bye I am going to hide under a rock now :D )

 

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I asked my father if he’d be willing to take out my single suture for me since I took care of his ear for weeks. He literally just walked out of the room. I wasn’t expecting a yes and I was only asking as a way to dig at him, but I wasn’t expecting that reaction either. Womp womp. 
 

10 hours ago, Emma said:

Keep the wound clean if you can’t keep the bandage on. Get some rest today.

I found paper tape that sticks reasonably well and just put a huge strip of it across my side over the existing bandaid. Definitely going to make sure I keep it clean if nothing else. The last thing I want is an infection. 

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12 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I asked my father if he’d be willing to take out my single suture for me since I took care of his ear for weeks. He literally just walked out of the room. I wasn’t expecting a yes and I was only asking as a way to dig at him, but I wasn’t expecting that reaction either. Womp womp. 
 

 

I refer back to my previous concept. The way to get a Narc is not to fight on their terms, it's to be uninteresting. They need, above all else, attention.

https://www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

Apologies if I have suggested this before.

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