annyshay - compassion

[annyshay]

 

Hello Rebels, welcome! If you're new to my threads, feel free to check out some backstory in my battle log. Otherwise, welcome back!

 

I'm going to carry on with a similar challenge to my last one. Namely, self-compassion. I'm going to aim to practice it mindfully three times per day and write down my experience at least once a day in my compassion log. I'll share my progress and some general stuff about my day in daily updates.

 

Make yourselves at home!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following along!

[Snarkyfishguts]

Following along for this excellent challenge! 

[annyshay]

12 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following along!

 

12 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Following along for this excellent challenge! 

Welcome! Welcome!

[annyshay]

Sunday w0d1

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- no entries

 

Had a lovely and somewhat productive Sunday. Spent the morning looking over my budget and making a plan to up my savings as well as investing my IRA. Also played some Stardew Valley. Google hangouts with my buddy from residency, which devolved into looking at wedding dresses for her. Joined the Sunday Thing again and went into a breakout group on body positivity that was lovely. Took some time to meditate and let the conversation sink in. Had dinner. Wrote. Just a good day.

[Mrs Van]

15 hours ago, annyshay said:

Make yourselves at home!

Thank you! Going to sit down with a mug of coffee, and visit long distance via NF.

[annyshay]

25 minutes ago, ElizeElvinFoxRyder said:

Thank you! Going to sit down with a mug of coffee, and visit long distance via NF.

Yay! 

[Lara]

Putting a bit more of self-compassion in our lives would really change perspective some times 💕

[annyshay]

56 minutes ago, zenLara said:

Putting a bit more of self-compassion in our lives would really change perspective some times 💕

It is, but for this doer, it's at times painfully slow.

[annyshay]

Monday w0d2

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- once

 

Had a lovely morning catching up on writing and various things on the internet. Found a facebook post in a new community that really made me feel at home, which was nice. Got a bunch done at work with various writing and other projects, saw a few patients, chatted with coworkers. Came home a bit early for therapy. I think I will make a separate post about it because it was intense. Went and meditated for a while to let all that good work sink in. It was kind of like savasanna after a good yoga workout. Played our multiplayer Stardew Valley game for about two hours. Went to bed!

[annyshay]

So, therapy... Many feelings ahead...

Spoiler

 

We got right into EMDR this week. We started with the story that my mom used to tell about how I was supposed to be a boy (the ultrasound was wrong, funny story, Mom) and the feeling of sadness that went along with it. The negative belief that I associate with that story is that I'm not lovable. It took a while for me to really get into the midst of that target, but once I got there I felt a new feeling higher in the center of my chest that was like a tightness. It wasn't quite the same as what I usually feel when I'm sad or I'm anxious, so I was rather curious and wanted to figure it out. We sat with it a while and asked it a bunch of questions, but it was kind of hard for me to connect with it. Eventually it started talking in snippets about how that story was gross and it was mean of Mom to tell it. 

 

Eventually it became clear that this was a very young version of myself, maybe around 2 years old. She told me about how she felt like she had to cling to Mom to get attention and that sometimes that made Mom pull away. In those moments she worried that Mom didn't love her or at least that she might love her more if she was different. So when mom made jokes about her clinging or about how she should of been a boy, it really hurt her feelings. 

 

My therapist did a lot of gentle normalizing and validating as we worked deeper. Reminding me that it is very normal for mild mannered children to cling in order to get attention since they don't otherwise act out. She told me too that it is possible I was picking up on my mother's overwhelm since my father was a useless font of yelling and basically unavailable for real parenting. I got really sad and was crying for quite a while knowing that my poor inner child felt this way.

 

Once we had moved through all of that, I scooped up my inner child and gave her a big hug. Then I brought her to the present to show her that I am safe and loved and don't have to deal with my father any more. She basically wanted to ask me about words and show me cool things that she found. It was kind of adorable, honestly.

 

Then we worked on debriefing the session, and there was this really interesting phenomenon of me going back to believing that I was unlovable and not realizing that it was still my inner 2 year old speaking and that I can scoop her up and pay attention to her and let her cling to me. It took a lot of guiding from my therapist to get back to the realization even though we had just done it. I think it's going to take a lot of work to forge a new pattern, but I think I'm up for it. 

 

 

It's funny typing these things out because my brain makes it a lot more linear than it really is. It's a messy, confusing, scattered process. Slowly I'm coming to terms with that.

 

We're meeting again midday on Wednesday, which I think is good. I don't want to go too long and slip back into old patterns before the new ones have time to develop.

[Mad Hatter]

Thanks for sharing your therapy sessions. I wish you wouldn't have to deal with the pain, but it's fascinating to see the process and the bravery with which you tackle it.

[annyshay]

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Thanks for sharing your therapy sessions. I wish you wouldn't have to deal with the pain, but it's fascinating to see the process and the bravery with which you tackle it.

Thanks Hats. I'm really glad that you folks are able to hold space for me to talk it through. I think it's reaaaalllllly helpful to sort through things afterwards.

[Mad Hatter]

I find it very useful too. Journalling for yourself is great, but sometimes the act of editing it down can be even more helpful.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

That's some good solid therapy. I hope you get the support you need to make a habit of scooping up two year old you and giving her the attention she needs.

[WolfDreamer]

Thank you for sharing @annyshay. It really is inspiring to see you work through these issues and to continue to be compassionate with yourself and with others. I am always happy to see your growth. Keep your head up, girl. You are amazing.

[Lara]

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Journalling for yourself is great, but sometimes the act of editing it down can be even more helpful.

I find this to be true, too, in my experience. It helps to give more structure to volatile thoughts and to find out which things are having more weight in your life than you thought.

 

Courage, annyshay, you're doing a great job facing all of this.

[Ann of Owlshire]

Following you on your continued journey ❤️ 

[Sciread77]

Following!

[annyshay]

6 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I find it very useful too. Journalling for yourself is great, but sometimes the act of editing it down can be even more helpful.

Definitely. My self-journaling is much more stream of consciousness, which is good for capturing stuff but not as much for processing.

 

5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That's some good solid therapy. I hope you get the support you need to make a habit of scooping up two year old you and giving her the attention she needs.

Thanks Tank. I'm trying to figure out how to support myself in doing that as well as getting the support through therapy and coaching and such.

 

5 hours ago, WolfDreamer said:

Thank you for sharing @annyshay. It really is inspiring to see you work through these issues and to continue to be compassionate with yourself and with others. I am always happy to see your growth. Keep your head up, girl. You are amazing.

Thanks WolfDreamer. I'm glad that I can inspire such amazing folks as my fellow nerds. *group hug*

 

4 hours ago, zenLara said:

I find this to be true, too, in my experience. It helps to give more structure to volatile thoughts and to find out which things are having more weight in your life than you thought.

 

Courage, annyshay, you're doing a great job facing all of this.

Yes. This. Thanks!

 

4 hours ago, Ann of Vries said:

Following you on your continued journey ❤️ 

Welcome back, friend!

 

2 hours ago, Sciread77 said:

Following!

Yay!

[Sciread77]

1 hour ago, annyshay said:

Definitely. My self-journaling is much more stream of consciousness, which is good for capturing stuff but not as much for processing.

I had a stream of consciousness journal for years. I put away around 100,000 words a year on it, but I agree it wasn’t great at processing. I have roughly 5 years of little to no progress on processing the issues I had and it’s a very depressing and angsty read. 
 

On the other hand, sometimes I do it as an adult  just to get stuff off my chest instead of doing an emotional toxic waste dump onto the nearest person I trust. 
 

Probably would help with the work situation these days too!

[annyshay]

1 hour ago, Sciread77 said:

I had a stream of consciousness journal for years. I put away around 100,000 words a year on it, but I agree it wasn’t great at processing. I have roughly 5 years of little to no progress on processing the issues I had and it’s a very depressing and angsty read. 
 

On the other hand, sometimes I do it as an adult  just to get stuff off my chest instead of doing an emotional toxic waste dump onto the nearest person I trust. 
 

Probably would help with the work situation these days too!

Yes. The mind dump effect is enough to keep it up for me for now.

[annyshay]

Tuesday w0d3

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- forgot

 

Had a busy and long day yesterday. Started with sleeping late, which was a treat, and meant that I didn't have as much time for writing and mindless internet scrolling. I rushed into work and made it in time for a grand rounds on COVID by one of our rheumatologists. It was good but quite dense. Had a patient in the morning, and then many meetings around lunch time. After all that, I was not feeling particularly productive, but I did manage to rally a little bit to work on my educator's portfolio - kind of like a CV tailored to being in medical education. Went home and spent some time chilling and eating dinner (chimichangas!) before I had to give my COVID talk with my boss (we tag teamed) to the regional pediatric society. It was a bit rough due to technological issues. After that I chatted a bit with my friend and went to bed.

[Snarkyfishguts]

Ooh therapy sounded helpful. Thanks for sharing! Sometimes its just good to process and say “this happened and Its not okay, but I am working through it”
 

💙

[Korranation]

Following along!!!

 

love the journaling goal. I do stream of consciousness too just to vent and make a list of things I didn’t to that day or to do for the next. 

Following along with the cognitive behavior therapy book The Happiness Trap and it’s online workbooks help when I’m needing to process specific things.