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annyshay

annyshay - compassion

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Somehow the internet ate my post for yesterday...

 

Wednesday w0d4

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log

- forgot

 

Thursday w0d5

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log

- forgot

 

This week has been quite busy in general with lots of responsibilities in the evening. Wednesday I got a lot of work done in the morning and then had therapy in the middle of the afternoon. I got home from work and took some time to meditate and eat dinner before a phone call with my health coach, Amy Clover. I'll talk about therapy and my call separately. Thursday started early with a faculty meeting that was quite a challenge technologically. I had the morning to get a lot of writing on various projects sorted out. In the afternoon I had two patient appointments that filled most of the time. When I got home, we had a webex meeting for two hours on promotions, CVs, and annual reviews. It was sort of long and painful. After that I went to bed pretty quickly. 

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Friday w0d6

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log 

- forgot

 

I was not very productive at all on Friday. I was consumed by the poor response of Michael Gungor to critique of an episode on fatphobia that centered only thin-bodied people. It was a train wreck that I couldn't look away from. I talked it through with two friends. One was policing my responses and the other was supportive. It saddens me that fatphobia is still so deeply rooted in many of my friends and previously safe communities. It makes me feel more alone. When I came home, I basically napped and then went to bed. Emotional labor is exhausting, y'all.

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13 hours ago, annyshay said:

 It saddens me that fatphobia is still so deeply rooted in many of my friends and previously safe communities.

 

UGH! I am sorry you felt alone through this. I've been there too, and it's such a disappointing and isolating experience to realize there's this learned prejudice that is interfering with the emotional support you need in a friend. You have every right to feel sad about it, but I hope you leave that feeling knowing the truth: You have worth, and your opinion matters. 

 

*hugs* I'm sorry you had a rough day

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Saturday w0d7

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log 

- none

 

Had a busy Saturday both at work and in continued fall out from the fatphobia online. I got four consults, which meant a fair amount of work and I was in the hospital for 5.5 hours. I spent a lot of my downtime watching the train wreck of continued half apologies and tone policing around the Liturgists' podcast. I listened to the podcast itself and found that there were some difficulties that I had relating to it, but that it might be helpful for people that had never thought about fat politics before. I did take some time for meditation. Later in the evening, I played Stardew with my college buddy. 

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20 hours ago, GoodDoug said:

Excited to follow along and glad you are giving yourself the compassion you need and deserve!

Thanks, Doug!

 

10 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

 

UGH! I am sorry you felt alone through this. I've been there too, and it's such a disappointing and isolating experience to realize there's this learned prejudice that is interfering with the emotional support you need in a friend. You have every right to feel sad about it, but I hope you leave that feeling knowing the truth: You have worth, and your opinion matters. 

 

*hugs* I'm sorry you had a rough day

Thanks, Snarky. I appreciate your kind words. 

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That's shitty. I hope your friend's lack of support stems from ignorance rather than malice. At least the former is teachable. (Not that it should be your job to educate them...)

And I do wish fatphobia weren't so deeply ingrained in our culture and so normalized. Alas I'm worried that the pandemic will make things worse. 😕

 

Hugs!

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4 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

That's shitty. I hope your friend's lack of support stems from ignorance rather than malice. At least the former is teachable. (Not that it should be your job to educate them...)

And I do wish fatphobia weren't so deeply ingrained in our culture and so normalized. Alas I'm worried that the pandemic will make things worse. 😕

 

Hugs!

Yeah, I feel like the pandemic is already making things worse honestly. So many jokes about the quarantine 15 and similar that are just misguided and deeply fatphobic. In my friend's case it's definitely not malice... it's ignorance and internalized fatphobia.

 

Hugs!

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Sunday w1d1

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log

- none

 

Sunday was also pretty busy in the hospital with all the follow ups and two new consults. Still, I managed to get through it and feed myself by 2:30. I chatted with my mom for an hour. I took a little time to meditate, and then I got on a zoom call with a bunch of friends from college that I haven't talked with in far too long. It was so good to see them, hear them, and catch up on their lives. It was a little bittersweet as well since they are all married and seem to have very different lives than I do, but mostly it was sweet. After that, I spent time online and went to bed early. 

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24 minutes ago, annyshay said:

Yeah, I feel like the pandemic is already making things worse honestly. So many jokes about the quarantine 15 and similar that are just misguided and deeply fatphobic. In my friend's case it's definitely not malice... it's ignorance and internalized fatphobia.

 

Hugs!

The quarantine 15 is one thing. I don't know if it's talked about in the US, but here the message is that fat itself is a risk factor, independently of underlying diseases. I worry that that's going to lead to more fat shaming.

I really hope you'll be able to feel safe with your friend again. The internalized fat phobia is a really tricky one, it's hard to undo a lifetime of indoctrination... :( 

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30 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

The quarantine 15 is one thing. I don't know if it's talked about in the US, but here the message is that fat itself is a risk factor, independently of underlying diseases. I worry that that's going to lead to more fat shaming.

I really hope you'll be able to feel safe with your friend again. The internalized fat phobia is a really tricky one, it's hard to undo a lifetime of indoctrination... :( 

So true. I've seen that as well. I think the jump from correlation to causation is what bothers me the most. That's to say just because fat folx are having a harder time with COVID-19 doesn't mean that the fat is causing the problem. There's all the social determinants of health to take in to consideration as well as fat shaming, weight cycling, and a bunch of other stuff.

 

Also, even if increased adipose tissue did cause worse outcomes with this pandemic, there's no reason to shame any body!

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7 minutes ago, annyshay said:

So true. I've seen that as well. I think the jump from correlation to causation is what bothers me the most. That's to say just because fat folx are having a harder time with COVID-19 doesn't mean that the fat is causing the problem. There's all the social determinants of health to take in to consideration as well as fat shaming, weight cycling, and a bunch of other stuff.

 

Also, even if increased adipose tissue did cause worse outcomes with this pandemic, there's no reason to shame any body!

Yep yep, all of the above. Fat shaming, your own or other people's, is never helpful. 

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Did you post something on social media around this topic this weekend? If not, so weird, because I saw a relevant post. I'm sorry that it's been a rough couple of days for you. If you ever need someone to vent / rant / or commiserate with, please reach out!

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24 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

Did you post something on social media around this topic this weekend? If not, so weird, because I saw a relevant post. I'm sorry that it's been a rough couple of days for you. If you ever need someone to vent / rant / or commiserate with, please reach out!

I didn't post about it. I've been too tired and sad to jump into the fray, honestly. Thanks for the offer!

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5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

The quarantine 15 is one thing. I don't know if it's talked about in the US, but here the message is that fat itself is a risk factor, independently of underlying diseases.

I seriously dislike the fat jokes that are popping up everywhere on Fb. Here in South Africa jokes are spread, and here and there it was mentioned as you say that fat itself is a risk factor, but it seemed to quickly change to diabetes, blood pressure, heart, etc. problems.

 

@annyshay **hugs** ❤️

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Monday w1d2

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- none

 

Monday was quite busy again. I woke up earlier and had some more time to get my usual morning routine done though, which was nice. Once I got to work it was non-stop until 2pm with inpatients and outpatients. Usually we only have to do one or the other, but there were some extenuating circumstances that made everything a bit more hectic. I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up with colleagues and on notes. Then I headed home for therapy, which went well. I'll talk about it separately again. I took some time to scroll the web and meditate, and then it was time to play Stardew with my friends for a couple of hours. What a lovely way to end the day!

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Therapy this week was less intense than some weeks but no less helpful. 

 

Spoiler

We started by talking a little bit about the group that I've joined, the Liturgists, and all the fall out from the fatphobia, defensiveness, and hurt that occurred this week mainly as a result of the responses of the leader of the podcast to critique on twitter. My therapist did some validating and encouraging me to see if there are additional groups that can be safe spaces for me while this one is rocky. Next we started with EMDR again. This time we were targeting the negative belief that "I'm too much". It brought up a lot of feelings of shame and sadness but not as much in terms of thoughts. We thought this was again the very young version of myself that wasn't quite sure how to put things in to words other than saying "be good" at one point. Eventually my thoughts shifted over to memories of my father screaming at the TV during football games and sitting in fear wondering if he was going to start throwing things. At that point something very interesting happened. There was a thought that "you shouldn't be saying that", which came up unbidden. We unpacked this a bit and decided that it was my inner critic (my lovely, grumpy teenager) who was trying to keep younger me from expressing her emotions. We shifted focus to the teenager and told her "thanks, but you don't need to do that. We're going to listen to our younger self now, and adult me can make sure that we don't respond inappropriately." Teenage me was not convinced. We left with the promise that we will continue to work on this. There wasn't a lot of time to debrief further, so we ended the session right about there. 

 

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Tuesday w1d3

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- none

 

Today was less busy, which was greatly appreciated. I got to spend time doing my usual routines. I was able to spend a while teaching my current resident too. Spent the evening playing around online and did a little bit of Stardew Valley. Chatted with some friends and read a bunch of articles about caring for curly hair. 

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Wednesday w1d4

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- none

 

Wednesday I only had one patient and one meeting, but they managed to take up my entire day. Running around and answering phone calls. Craziness. Then I didn't have time to get home for therapy, so we did it in my office via facetime. It was a little bit weird and we got interrupted once, but we got the job done. The feelings were pretty intense again. I walked home, and then tried to spend some time on the intercity conference on COVID, but got sick of listening to the same arguments by different people and logged off for my own wellbeing. Hopefully I didn't miss anything big. Went to bed and meditated for a while before falling asleep.

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Thursday w1d5

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- none

 

Today was a more balanced day at work. I got what I needed to do done, had a few breaks, and got to spend a while teaching. We had a new consult late in the day that was interesting as well. When I got home, I meditated, had dinner, dorked around online, and then played Stardew with my group for a couple hours. 

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I haven't told you folks yet but I'm playing around with my hair and skin care routines, trying to take my self care up a notch. I'm wondering if you would be interested in details?

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2 hours ago, annyshay said:

I haven't told you folks yet but I'm playing around with my hair and skin care routines, trying to take my self care up a notch. I'm wondering if you would be interested in details?

 

This sounds like an ad for an MLM!..... 🤣 

 

But in reality, I'd be interested, particularly skin.

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