annyshay - compassion

[annyshay]

Tuesday w2d3

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log

- once (yay!)

 

It was a long day that started with my usual routines of writing. We had grand rounds on teen pregnancy to start off the work day. I had two patients and spent most of the rest of my day trying to get myself to do something. I wasn't very successful. I suppose there are just days like this some times. In the evening, I spent two hours with a handful of residents that are studying for their boards going over pictures and questions that might be helpful for them. They said it was helpful, so I hope that that was the case. After that I pretty much went straight to bed.

[GoodDoug]

5 hours ago, annyshay said:

In the evening, I spent two hours with a handful of residents that are studying for their boards going over pictures and questions that might be helpful for them. They said it was helpful, so I hope that that was the case.

I hope this makes you feel awesome... because you are awesome.

[annyshay]

4 minutes ago, GoodDoug said:

I hope this makes you feel awesome... because you are awesome.

Aww thanks. Educating the next generation of doctors is really important to me.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

10 minutes ago, annyshay said:

Aww thanks. Educating the next generation of doctors is really important to me.

*has internal struggle about knowing there is a good medical school in my town but also knowing you want to live somewhere with snow*

[annyshay]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

*has internal struggle about knowing there is a good medical school in my town but also knowing you want to live somewhere with snow*

Snow is also important to me, lol.

[annyshay]

Wednesday w2d4

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log

- none

 

Got up early, wrote, and then went back to bed. Slept for another couple hours. Glorious. Got dressed and ready for work. Spent the morning working through some writing and many bad webex meetings. After lunch, I dove into finishing off my clinic notes for the week so far. Then I had my annual review meeting with my boss. She was super chatty about lots of things related to her, so it took an hour and a half. Still, she's very pleased with my work. Headed home and got ready for a bunch more meetings. Had therapy which was pretty intense and led to lots of crying. Then I had my phone call with my health coach immediately after that. We worked through some intense stuff too around food. After those calls were done, I basically just headed to bed (after my skin and hair regimen of course).

[annyshay]

So therapy. 

Spoiler

 

We talked about various target memories, and then decided to work with one that I remember of crying alone in my room and feeling like nobody cared about me. This was after we had moved out of my father's farm and were living with mom's friend. Mom's friend would tell me things like I was a burden on my mother, I was too much, I was too emotional, and I needed to not overwhelm my mother with my feelings. Super helpful.

 

Anyway, as we did EMDR, I had a lot of sadness and tears come up. We worked through the fact that I felt very alone and as though nobody cared about what I was feeling. I couldn't talk to my mom about anything important like I used to. I would go hide in the forest to get away from everybody and be able to feel what I was feeling. Since I was alone and couldn't rely on my mother any more, I decided that I needed to take care of myself and figure out how to do things on my own. I would do my mother's taxes. I applied to college without any real help. This carried forward and I thought of times that my senior residents made dangerous decisions, and I was the one that fixed them.

 

Basically it all boils down to the fact that I can't trust anybody but myself for serious things. This is the deep seated belief that drives a lot of my behavior - I can only trust myself. We didn't really have a lot of time to sort through what we were moving through at the end, so she told me that the feelings my keep coming up this week. She asked me to go to my safe place and take care of myself, basically. Unfortunately there was no time to do that before moving into my phone call with my health coach.

 

 

Health Coach Zoom Call

Spoiler

 

So, a lot of you know that I work with my amazing coach, Amy Clover. She's the bomb. Seriously. We do zoom calls every other week and then email during the week about all the stuff that's going on. 

 

This week we had a lot of goals but didn't really work through all of them because we dug deep into what the next steps for me would be now that my resistance to a lot of health behaviors is starting to decrease. We talked about the things that I do to respect my body and came up with the following list - sleep, food, water, movement, rest, acceptance, compassion. She asked me what area I was feeling called to work on, and we decided on food. This was in combination with a comment that I made about how I had gained 100 pounds since I started the intentional eating journey (not an exaggeration, btw). So we spent a lot of time digging in to what I was doing when I was 100 pounds lighter and how that felt in my body. She says that this is for her and less for me, so I'm wondering what she's going to do with the information, haha. 

 

Anyway, after that we brainstormed ways that we could move forwards with loving discipline and decided to work on cooking one recipe per week. I used to love cooking back in my "clean eating days". It just got wrapped up in some much shoulds and judgment that I had to take a big break from it for a long time. I'm hoping that it's a good time to start building it back in to my routine. I'm just nervous that I will slide back into controlling and shoulding. Amy says that it's her job to call that out if she's seeing that in me. I also ordered a CSA that will start in mid July, which will help support this. 

 

Then we talked about adding some more variety to movements. I've been doing 7 squats a day for a week or two, and I'm getting bored. So we talked about adding counter push ups and good mornings. I can mix and match for what would feel good in my body. I can also sub 5 minutes of walking or 5 minutes of yoga instead. Hopefully this cuts the boredom in the nub. We will likely add more after I go to PT a week from now. In particular, I'm supposed to ask about working on balance.

 

At that point, we ran out of time, so we will have to work on the other stuff over email. Hehe. Still, this was really helpful.

 

 

[annyshay]

Hair Update

Spoiler

 

So, things have been continuing on with my hair. 

 

Monday = Wash Day

Co-Wash = As I Am Coconut Co-Wash

- scrubbed my scalp for 5 minutes

Conditioner = TRESemmé Botanique Nourish and Replenish Conditioner

- lots of it, detangled

- leave in on while I was the rest of my body

- rinsed it out

Leave In Conditioner = Silk 18 Conditioner

- squish to condish

Styling = Eco Styler Moroccan Argan Oil Styling Gel

- scrunched

- plopped for an hour

- air dry

- scrunch out the crunch

Turned out pretty well! See photos below.

 

Nighttime = pineappled my hair with a satin scrunchie and slept on my silk pillowcase

 

Tuesday my hair looked reasonable, so I wore it down without doing anything to it. Woo hoo!

 

Wednesday my curls were all squished but my hair still felt soft and happy, so I stuck it back in a ponytail with a twist.

 

 

Skin Update

Spoiler

 

Current regimen

AM 

- drink an extra glass of water

- sunscreen (La Roche Posay Tinted Mineral Antihelios Sunscreen)

PM

- double cleanse with cotton washcloth and cetaphil gentle daily cleanser

- moisturizer

 

So far, so good. No breakouts. Skin feels pretty good. Nothing drastic, basically. 

 

I think I'm ready to add in my antioxidant serum tonight. It's by Paula's Choice and has 0.1% retinol, so hopefully it won't make my face super red. It's formulated for dry skin and sensitive skin, so I'm hoping that it goes ok. Still, I'm going to do it when I don't have any patients, hehe. 

 

 

 

 

[Sylvaa]

Spoiler

2 hours ago, annyshay said:

Anyway, after that we brainstormed ways that we could move forwards with loving discipline and decided to work on cooking one recipe per week. I used to love cooking back in my "clean eating days". It just got wrapped up in some much shoulds and judgment that I had to take a big break from it for a long time. I'm hoping that it's a good time to start building it back in to my routine. I'm just nervous that I will slide back into controlling and shoulding. Amy says that it's her job to call that out if she's seeing that in me. I also ordered a CSA that will start in mid July, which will help support this. 

 

 

I love to cook. For me, the kitchen is definitely my happy place. I generally try to be somewhat healthy in my recipes and I would be happy to share any I find if you need any ideas (and tell me what you like!). Most of mine will include meat, veggies, and a starch. I'm not living the restricting food life and we have no health complications that would necessitate needing to do so. 

 

Also, we just signed up for our CSA today! I start getting stuff next Saturday and I'm super excited - although a bit nervous, I think I'll end up with rhubarb and I've never made it before! I think your produce will probably be similar to mine based on geography and climate, so maybe we can compare uses. 

[annyshay]

17 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

I love to cook. For me, the kitchen is definitely my happy place. I generally try to be somewhat healthy in my recipes and I would be happy to share any I find if you need any ideas (and tell me what you like!). Most of mine will include meat, veggies, and a starch. I'm not living the restricting food life and we have no health complications that would necessitate needing to do so. 

 

Also, we just signed up for our CSA today! I start getting stuff next Saturday and I'm super excited - although a bit nervous, I think I'll end up with rhubarb and I've never made it before! I think your produce will probably be similar to mine based on geography and climate, so maybe we can compare uses. 

Excellent CSA and cooking buddy!

 

I am fairly flexible when it comes to food now. Those balanced meals sound like they would be perfect. I think I'm looking mostly for easy and minimal clean up at this point, as well as stuff that might freeze/refrigerate well, since I'm living that single life. Staying far away from any types of restrictions due to my past with disordered eating. 

 

Half of the fun of CSAs is... what the heck is this produce... how do I even? Thank goodness for the internet. 

[Sylvaa]

4 minutes ago, annyshay said:

I am fairly flexible when it comes to food now. Those balanced meals sound like they would be perfect. I think I'm looking mostly for easy and minimal clean up at this point, as well as stuff that might freeze/refrigerate well, since I'm living that single life. Staying far away from any types of restrictions due to my past with disordered eating. 

 

I can totally work with this! I've got some freezer meals too (because we went through a phase with that)! Are there any cuisines that you love (or don't love)? Any foods that you aren't a fan of?

[annyshay]

1 minute ago, Sylvaa said:

 

I can totally work with this! I've got some freezer meals too (because we went through a phase with that)! Are there any cuisines that you love (or don't love)? Any foods that you aren't a fan of?

 

I love most types of food honestly. Indian is a particular favorite. The only food that I don't really like is fennel. It tastes too much like licorice.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I don't have much wisdom to offer on the spoilered stuff, just solidarity.

[annyshay]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I don't have much wisdom to offer on the spoilered stuff, just solidarity.

Solidarity is appreciated! More than you know.

[Snarkyfishguts]

Your hair looks so good! Yay!

 

overall is sounds like you are addressing stuff and making positive strides! Thats really great!

[Mrs Van]

I typed a whole lot of other things here, but when I pressed save, this is all that stayed. So now I'm keeping this.

I like TRESemmé shampoo. One of the few shampoos that give life to my straight hair, without weighing it down. Also, between reading about your new routines, moisturising and the lady at blood donation pointing out how dry my skin is, I've started moisturising a bit more too. So thank you for that.

 

Spoiler

I so understand your feelings. It brought back some memories of what I went through as a child. I remember a time where I was so jealous of our dogs, and my mom's plants, because she gave them more attention, and she actually spoke to them. I felt unloved, unwanted. I remember writing that in a school essay once about feelings. That caused a storm in the house when the teacher pointed it out to my mom and gran!

 

I also understand how you feel that you can only trust yourself, only depend on yourself when the paw-paw hits the fan. That is something that I also still struggle to deal with, specifically when it comes to very important life decisions.

 

[annyshay]

Thursday w2d5

 

Movement 

- 5 squats, 2 counter push ups

 

Cooking

- not yet

 

Compassion

- two times

 

Log

- nope

 

I slept in more today, but still had time for wash day, writing, and usual morning routines. Went in to work and saw a patient in the morning. Also did some writing and got my note done for the encounter. Had a case conference over lunch time, and then spent the afternoon working on tying up various loose ends related to research and other things. Came home, got dinner, assembled a coffee table for my meditation space, and did a long meditation. Played Stardew with my group for a few hours. Went to bed.

I think I'm going to expand what I report on for the challenge as above. If it gets too triggery though, I may stop again. 

[annyshay]

11 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Your hair looks so good! Yay!

 

overall is sounds like you are addressing stuff and making positive strides! Thats really great!

Aww shucks. Thanks, Snarky!

 

3 hours ago, ElizeElvinFoxRyder said:

I typed a whole lot of other things here, but when I pressed save, this is all that stayed. So now I'm keeping this.

I like TRESemmé shampoo. One of the few shampoos that give life to my straight hair, without weighing it down. Also, between reading about your new routines, moisturising and the lady at blood donation pointing out how dry my skin is, I've started moisturising a bit more too. So thank you for that.

 

  Hide contents

I so understand your feelings. It brought back some memories of what I went through as a child. I remember a time where I was so jealous of our dogs, and my mom's plants, because she gave them more attention, and she actually spoke to them. I felt unloved, unwanted. I remember writing that in a school essay once about feelings. That caused a storm in the house when the teacher pointed it out to my mom and gran!

 

I also understand how you feel that you can only trust yourself, only depend on yourself when the paw-paw hits the fan. That is something that I also still struggle to deal with, specifically when it comes to very important life decisions.

 

Silly computer erasing brilliant thoughts from Elize. 

 

I'm sorry you got unsolicited advice like that. Would make me grumpy, hehe. That said, yay for more self care!

 

I'm so sorry that you can relate, honestly. No human deserves to feel that way. 

 

[annyshay]

Friday w2d6

 

Movement 

- 7 squats

 

Cooking

- not yet

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- nope

 

Pretty normal morning routine. I've been writing about 100 words per day on my novel again. Also spent some time journaling in my meditation space, which was pretty amazing honestly. Went to my podiatrist and was fitted for a custom brace that may help me get moving again. My orthotics are still not in. She's pestering the lab about them though, thankfully. I hope that I don't have to wait too much longer. Went in to work and spent most of the day working on various research projects. Got my manuscript submitted to a journal again (it's my fourth time revising it, but I'm hoping we're getting close to getting it accepted). Had dinner. Messed around on the internet. Did an intention setting ritual since it's the new moon tonight. I'm calling in more love for the #selfcaresummer.

[annyshay]

Saturday w2d7

 

Movement 

- totally forgot

 

Cooking

- not yet

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- nope

 

Had a lovely day. Got up early, wrote, played around on the internet, napped. Played Stardew with my buddy. Showered and deep conditioned my hair. Meditated a lot. Journaled a bit. Online shopping. Put on a rosewater face mask. Went to bed.

[annyshay]

Sunday w3d1

 

Movement 

- 7 counter push ups

 

Cooking

- not yet

- went to three different stores to get all the ingredients for this week's meal, sheesh

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- nope

 

Another lovely day off. I woke up early again and was able to get through my writing and some internet scrolling. I headed to Trader Joe's to get groceries and hopefully herbs for my balcony at 9am and there was huge socially distanced line. It moved fairly quickly, but when I got into the store they didn't have any herbs or a couple of the ingredients that I needed. I headed to Target next because I am hoping to get a table and chairs for my balcony. They only had the table. Also, they didn't have the remaining ingredients, so I headed to Whole Foods. They had the ingredients as well as herbs. Yay! I was quite warm and sick of wearing my mask by the time I got everything into my apartment. I took a break and then repotted the herbs and set up the tablet outside. The herbs are a little droopy, so hopefully they pick up as we go along. I spent a while messing around on pinterest, took a nap, and then had some dinner. I listened to a bunch of music and read a bit. I did some journaling in my sacred space and then headed to bed. 

[Mrs Van]

Glad you finally got most of what you wanted.

I feel you on wearing the mask so long outside. How does it work at work though? Same type of mask? I feel like I'm suffocating when I have the mask on shopping, not to mention that with my cloth mask my glasses fog up.

[annyshay]

2 hours ago, ElizeElvinFoxRyder said:

Glad you finally got most of what you wanted.

I feel you on wearing the mask so long outside. How does it work at work though? Same type of mask? I feel like I'm suffocating when I have the mask on shopping, not to mention that with my cloth mask my glasses fog up.

Yeah, it was a bit of a saga honestly. 

 

I wear typical surgical masks at work made out of paper not cloth. We only wear them when we are interacting with patients or in the hospital though, so it's not that bad most days.

[annyshay]

Monday w3d2

 

Movement 

- totally forgot

 

Cooking

- yes! made Deconstructed Gyros from Mel Joulwan

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- nope

 

Had another lovely day off. Three days in a row is really a treat. I got some sleep and chatted with friends and did research on the internet and snuggled with my cat. I made my recipe as above which takes several hours and leaves the house smelling amazing. It was delicious, by the way. At seven it was time for playing Stardew with my group, which was a lot of fun as per usual. 

[annyshay]

Tuesday w3d3

 

Movement 

- 7 squats

 

Cooking

- ate leftovers

 

Compassion

- three times

 

Log

- nope

 

This morning went pretty smoothly despite the fact that I slept horribly the night before. My brain would just not stop. I did my morning routine of feeding the cat, showering and hair care, morning pages, writing 100 words for my novel, and then experimented with adding some more steps. I made tea and watered my plants. Then I went to my sacred space and did some meditation and more journaling. Finally, I got dressed and did some skin care. I've also been experimenting with a liiiiiiittle bit of makeup including caring for my eyebrows and wearing mascara. So far, so good. I'm a morning person, so it feels good to get a lot done before I enter the chaos of work.

 

Speaking of work, today it wasn't that bad. I seemed to be pretty good at focusing. I saw a patient and wrote the note. I went to various meetings. I made progress on my various research and QI projects. Still, it was a long day back from a three day weekend. 

 

When I got home, I fed the cat (you'll notice that Dragon comes first ) and did my movement for the day. I took a bit of time on the computer and then made dinner. I spent more time reading both online and on my kindle. There were some chats with a buddy as well. Then it was off to bed.