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I earned my dollar first thing this morning. I went for a walk for 30 minutes. My body is a bit sore today after all the hauling and pulling yesterday. But now I can sit outside and it’s warm with a cool breeze, the bugs that swarmed the vinca are gone and I plan to spend the rest of the day out on the porch, just enjoying the fresh air before it goes up to 90+ F this week.

 

here is the finished bed! Next weekend, I take on THE GRAVEL PIT🎵☠️💙

 

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Yesterday was a day off. Sorta. i just need to vent about my parents again.

 

My mom is driving me crazy right now. Her anxiety is high right now, and she’s having trouble focusing and calming down. I spent the entire day listening to her worry and complain about things being hard, and I said “you know, things arent really easy for anyone now mom. And easy doesn't really happen. Even when things go well, we still need to take care of things like changing lightbulbs.”  I know its not about light bulbs, and more about concern over the uncertainty of the next few months. And its also the dread of taking responsibility for the house. My folks leave pretty much a couple times a year to try to get as much in before Dad is completely blind. So a lot of maintenance falls to me, but I feel like I can’t always make decisions about the house because its not mine. So now she’s at home and they arent going on a trip, and There’s no break from home responsibilities. I get that.   

My dad is driving me crazy because any time I do yard work he gets super guilty and beats himself up for not helping . The type of gardening I’m doing, he didnt do even when he could see. He mowed the lawn and trimmed the edges. So this whole thing just irritates me. I know its more to do with his frustration being blind and less with mulching. Because it’s almost always about that. but it’s like. Can I just get something done without you having a crisis of self-worth? Just for one day? 
 

i am feeling frustrated and resentful because I want them to stop sitting around talking about their feelings and dread.so. Much. Talking.   Especially while I’m trying to get something done. Every time I sit down, I feel like one of them wants to talk. I dont want to talk!! AAAAAHHH
 

deep breathing for 10 seconds. 
 

Today I am exercising inside, and then I’m going to start cleaning out my workspace and kinda just starting from one corner of the house and creating a maintenance spreadsheet. Very much like how we used to do in res life. That way we can keep track of all the little shit in the house that causes anxiety for the mom. I’m doing it mostly for myself because realistically, even though she says its going to help, the spreadsheets will stress her out too. So this is really a tool for me. It’s important to see the reality of the situation. My loving, generous, incredibly anxious parents. 


I’ll report back later! Thanks for letting me vent. 💚

 

 

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We're always here for you to vent at :)

 

I'm very much like your mom I think in that when something is bothering me and on my mind it will not go anywhere until I have talked it out. She probably needs to do this so she can release it, but at the same time it isn't fair on you because what she is doing in essence is just taking all the shit that's on her mind and dumping it on you. I don't have an answer that will mean you both get sorted, but I am always here for you to vent at ❤️ 

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1 hour ago, deftona said:

We're always here for you to vent at :)

 

I'm very much like your mom I think in that when something is bothering me and on my mind it will not go anywhere until I have talked it out. She probably needs to do this so she can release it, but at the same time it isn't fair on you because what she is doing in essence is just taking all the shit that's on her mind and dumping it on you. I don't have an answer that will mean you both get sorted, but I am always here for you to vent at ❤️ 

She is, and it’s totally okay. Most of the time, I can handle it. It’s just a LOT lately, and I literally cant sit down without having someone sit next to me and just worry or tell me something or ask me questions. She knows. She’s giving me a little more space today. I just need to recover and then it’ll be better, 💚💚💚
 

 

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Your feelings about your parents are understandable and valid. I'm wondering if you are dealing with some compassion fatigue.

https://compassionfatigue.org/

MAYBE DEFINITELY. 

 

When I had an hour of alone time each day, it was a lot better. I may need to establish that again. Just to read a book, plan my day, and comb my hair. 💚💚💚

 

sometimes in venting, I can see that I need to set boundaries again and give myself more time away from them, even though we’re all At home together. Like your link says, just taking some time to establish  my own stuff will take away some of the weight of the their feeeeeelings. 💚💚💚

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38 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

 

sometimes in venting, I can see that I need to set boundaries again and give myself more time away from them, even though we’re all At home together. Like your link says, just taking some time to establish  my own stuff will take away some of the weight of the their feeeeeelings.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B072C64V1L/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

 

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4 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:


 

Yesterday was a day off. Sorta. i just need to vent about my parents again.

 

My mom is driving me crazy right now. Her anxiety is high right now, and she’s having trouble focusing and calming down. I spent the entire day listening to her worry and complain about things being hard, and I said “you know, things arent really easy for anyone now mom. And easy doesn't really happen. Even when things go well, we still need to take care of things like changing lightbulbs.”  I know its not about light bulbs, and more about concern over the uncertainty of the next few months. And its also the dread of taking responsibility for the house. My folks leave pretty much a couple times a year to try to get as much in before Dad is completely blind. So a lot of maintenance falls to me, but I feel like I can’t always make decisions about the house because its not mine. So now she’s at home and they arent going on a trip, and There’s no break from home responsibilities. I get that.   

My dad is driving me crazy because any time I do yard work he gets super guilty and beats himself up for not helping . The type of gardening I’m doing, he didnt do even when he could see. He mowed the lawn and trimmed the edges. So this whole thing just irritates me. I know its more to do with his frustration being blind and less with mulching. Because it’s almost always about that. but it’s like. Can I just get something done without you having a crisis of self-worth? Just for one day? 
 

i am feeling frustrated and resentful because I want them to stop sitting around talking about their feelings and dread.so. Much. Talking.   Especially while I’m trying to get something done. Every time I sit down, I feel like one of them wants to talk. I dont want to talk!! AAAAAHHH
 

deep breathing for 10 seconds. 
 

Today I am exercising inside, and then I’m going to start cleaning out my workspace and kinda just starting from one corner of the house and creating a maintenance spreadsheet. Very much like how we used to do in res life. That way we can keep track of all the little shit in the house that causes anxiety for the mom. I’m doing it mostly for myself because realistically, even though she says its going to help, the spreadsheets will stress her out too. So this is really a tool for me. It’s important to see the reality of the situation. My loving, generous, incredibly anxious parents. 


I’ll report back later! Thanks for letting me vent. 💚

 

 

 

I wanted to mash all the like/emoticon buttons on this post.

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4 hours ago, Chris Tarly said:

 

I wanted to mash all the like/emoticon buttons on this post.

In the end, it’s gonna be okay. This is a personal growth Opportunity. And if it isnt, I’ll take all those feelings out on the gravel pit 💚 

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Mom is baking and she is so happy right now. She loves baking. Dad has a friend coming tonight for pizza and beer social distance visit on the porch and he is really happy.  
I shoveled out about half of the gravel pit before a thunderstorm, and got indoors before the sky opened up so I am happy. I’ll need to buy some dirt when its all done to plant the grass. This project is just mine and I loved working quietly on my own.  I’m looking forward to this part being done and grown in.. So, dollar earned!

 

this is a fuzzy picture of the gravel pit.those mounds are dirt and gravel. I’ll finish it this weekend hopefully! Tomorrow mom and I are going hiking so it’ll sit there for a day. hiking is More important right now!
 

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I earned my dollar! Mom and I hiked three miles up a steep trail in the park. We saw a giant black snake slither away while we looked at the view and I shrieked. Super motivated to climb up after that! 😂
 

 

I made an emotional breakthrough after the snake too, and Mom helped me. From working ten years in a highly critical, cultish job environment and having unhealthy personal relationships As well,  there are still some veins of toxic thinking that are holding me back. Echoes of abusive, critical people that are no longer in my life. Mom thinks I am obsessively trying to make her and Dad happy and that they love me and think I’m great as I am and I dont need to prove my value to any one. 

I told her the house maintenance still bothered me, and she said “that’s MY problem, not yours. You think I want you to fix things and I just want some help with big stuff. You are not our caretaker, And you are not responsible for my happiness. I get to have unhappy days too, my husband is going blind, and I am adjusting to getting older. Give me space to process that and be unhappy, “


i always felt like it was my job to make her happy, and I failed. I also am aware that some days she’s just impossible and I cant win no matter what but it was helpful to have her say that was her problem, not mine.  We talked about some other stuff too, and I feel like...a bit vulnerable. But also emotionally lighter. So... cool. 👍

 

i cant believe this challenge is almost over. Where did the time go? 
 

 

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I'm really glad you got to have this talk with your mom, things should be better between you guys now and it's lovely you can talk to her about your stuff as well. 


Also, I agree that you're lovely ❤️ 

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3 minutes ago, deftona said:

I'm really glad you got to have this talk with your mom, things should be better between you guys now and it's lovely you can talk to her about your stuff as well. 


Also, I agree that you're lovely ❤️ 

*hugs*. Thanks Deffy! 😭 💜

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I have earned my dollar with fitness boxing today. I made double dollars for the last week! Woooooo! I earned $42 dollars during this challenge. And i lost ONE POUND . 😂 my clothes fit better and it’s progress!  I am resting tomorrow.

 

 

for the next challenge I’m going to fall in with challenge dates and begin my weeks on Sundays. Looking at my dollars, I tend to rest Tuesday and Saturday and exercise the rest of the week. Good enough. I’m going to work on self-care, especially when it comes to boxing up my emotions and shoving them in the back of my closet. And I think I’ve got exercise steady enough that I can add some food-related goals without losing my mind. 
 

I’m proud of myself for this challenge. My body didn’t  cooperate a lot, and my emotions got the better of me often, but I didn't quit.  Thats progress. Good enough. 

 

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34 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

I didn't quit.  Thats progress. Good enough. 

 

This is the most important factor! 

 

Well done on all those dollars and getting exercise to be a steady habit. You rock! 

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