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Mad Hatter

[Mad Hatter] Respawn #436-#438

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10 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

It turned into a disaster

FWIW, I really like the water, the blurriness and the shading gives the feeling of being actually underwater.

 

Also, the isolation thing really does a number on everyone, not just you.  I feel like for the first two months my life was just an unproductive dumpster fire of bad choices and from what I can tell that feeling seems to me the norm.  It gets better

 

A Legendary Christmas Does It Get Better GIF by NBC - Find & Share ...

 

it gets better gifs Page 2 | WiffleGif

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Not sure I have much more to say than "hang in there" as painful as it is :( I hope it will pass soon. I do love the drawings, the tortoise in particular!

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15 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hugs friend. I'm sorry that talk with your parents was rough and things in general are blah.

Thanks, appreciate it.

 

14 hours ago, Tobbe said:

Not much else to do, is there?

I guess not.

 

13 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I hope so! I (we?) appreciate having you not completely disappear 😘
 

also it seems to me that your art is progressing very fast, ofcourse I’m not an expert but from here it looks like you’re practicing a lot and pretty consistently. You’re doing the thing! 

Thank you. The temptation is strong. I absolutely HATE bringing other people down with me. 

 

It doesn't really matter if it's quick or not. It's just a stupid comparison thing...

 

11 hours ago, Chris Tarly said:

Keep drawing. I really like your artwork.

I will. Thank you. :) 

 

11 hours ago, analoggirl said:

Well, I have no sympathy or solutions for you.  (Since you aren't looking for those :)Though I find it sucks that someone that I look up to(*) & does so many cool things even WITH all these downs in between the ups, is feeling this way. 

 

As for showing up... You never know what will help you until you get over a hurdle.

 

During the times of my lows, I try to keep track of what all I am thinking/doing etc. so I have a frame of reference of what got me out the next time I get into one. It seems like it helps, but again. Different times, different circumstances... You never stand in the same river twice.

 

Like Tobbe said... What else is there than to try again? (and hopefully fall a bit better than last time?)

 

(*) Oh yeah, what can I say? Cannot help but sometimes feel like a grass hopper :D

Ahh nooo I'm the worst person to look up to! I'm regressing in pretty much all aspects of life, spinning my wheels at best. Feeling like a grasshopper is a good thing though, it's a fun state to be in. :) 

 

I've never found a specific trigger that brings me back. It's like I eventually get bored of being sad. But the same thoughts keep coming back because I don't fix the underlying issues and it seems like the frequency and intensity are both going up.

 

10 hours ago, Harriet said:

Hmmm. I can sympathise, because I had a low motivation patch that lasted almost 20 years before things started looking better. I can totally understand wanting to avoid even 'helpful' and 'supportive' conversations with your parents. I couldn't get started on developing internal motivation until I had calmed my incredible anxiety, which I wasn't even really aware of because it was so generalised and ever-present. I needed a super, super safe little space in my mind--where I didn't feel pressured AT ALL by anyone--in order to start planting the little seeds of interest in that frozen earth. Damnit. I hope you find some respite and a way to move forward.

I love those figures, by the way. I like the core shadow and reflected light on the bum of the left picture (is that weird?) and the variations in the lines on the right picture; you've got angular lines, soft curves, and organic, scribbly parts and I like all of them. I also think it's mighty of you to be trying out your own concepts. I feel very uncertain about doing that. 

That's a long time to spend in that patch. I'm really glad you're getting out of it. Thank you.

 

Nope, not weird, it's a great bum! The original artist captured it well. I just copied it. It's an interesting exercise, but I find it difficult to apply.

I also feel very uncertain about trying out my own concepts. Because I know that whatever I do at this point it's going to fail. Which is ok. I don't like but it's ok. For me it's still better to try than to gather a whole bunch of sketches that will never see the light of day so that I can get over the fear of finishing work. If it's not finished it can't suck, but it can also never be good.

 

5 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

FWIW, I really like the water, the blurriness and the shading gives the feeling of being actually underwater.

 

Also, the isolation thing really does a number on everyone, not just you.  I feel like for the first two months my life was just an unproductive dumpster fire of bad choices and from what I can tell that feeling seems to me the norm.  It gets better

There are still a lot of problems with the light, things that I didn't think through. But there are way more fundamental problems. But thanks for saying it.

 

Isolation is definitely making things worse. But I feel it's more of a trigger than a cause. It's the same reoccurring thoughts that are just amplified now... But you're right, it won't last forever. And I'm really glad to see you functioning better, it's very obvious in your threads and I'm excited for you.

 

3 hours ago, @mu said:

Not sure I have much more to say than "hang in there" as painful as it is :( I hope it will pass soon. I do love the drawings, the tortoise in particular!

Thanks, I hope so too. It's funny, I don't look at that kind of comic style art that much, but it's rather fun to make. Except for the fear that with every ink mark I might mess up the entire thing. :P   

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20 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Feel free to skip. Not after sympathy, or solutions, or anything. 

 

 

I think you're just going to have to accept that if you post something like this, you will get sympathy. We can't help ourselves.

 

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but please do us a favor and don't make it worse for yourself by thinking you're not supposed to feel bad, or that there's something wrong with that? I don't think any one of us have been at our best since before the quarantine/stay-at-home started, and I don't think we're going to recover swiftly either. All we can do is be gentle with ourselves and each other, and try to get through this, one more minute at a time.

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20 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Tl;dr it's been a garbage week. I've had some brief respites from my brain when drawing though.

 

20 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

So yeah, sorry for the crappy update, I'll try again next week.

This is not a crappy update! Sorry you're still feeling stuck in the weeds. I'm also super glad you're not disappearing on us. ❤️ 

 

And I enjoy the drawings a ton! The figuary guy sounds awesome and I'm glad he's doing live classes. I look forward to more mermaids if you wind up doing more mermay stuff. :)

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I like the art a lot!

 

For whatever it's worth, I've lived most of my life in the shadow of a parent who is effortlessly excellent at things, often resulting in me feeling like I'm stupid/lazy/talentless/you name it. So I get the feeling of not wanting to share your struggles with someone like that, even if you love them.

 

I'm glad you're still here.

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We are your friends, so when you hurt we sympathize with you  and  give at least virtual hugs. I like the drawings

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3 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:
I think you're just going to have to accept that if you post something like this, you will get sympathy. We can't help ourselves.

 

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, but please do us a favor and don't make it worse for yourself by thinking you're not supposed to feel bad, or that there's something wrong with that? I don't think any one of us have been at our best since before the quarantine/stay-at-home started, and I don't think we're going to recover swiftly either. All we can do is be gentle with ourselves and each other, and try to get through this, one more minute at a time.

You people suck, always so bloody supportive and awesome. 😛Thank you.

 

I'm trying, I really am. I only just realized how badly my thought had spiraled and I'm now slowly rebuilding my shield and the thoughts are becoming a little less stabby in the gut. But even if I know that it's ok to feel bad, I really don't want to add my own troubles and infect this supportive awesome place into a dank place. And I also hate being all woe is me when there's so many of us in the same boat. It makes me feel even worse when I don't have enough spoons to give back. Anyway, thank you, I really appreciate the reminder and the support.

 

3 hours ago, raptron said:

This is not a crappy update! Sorry you're still feeling stuck in the weeds. I'm also super glad you're not disappearing on us. ❤️ 

 

And I enjoy the drawings a ton! The figuary guy sounds awesome and I'm glad he's doing live classes. I look forward to more mermaids if you wind up doing more mermay stuff. :)

❤️

 

You know what, I got an idea the exact moment I read that sentence and I started working on it straight away. 😄Then I very quickly realized I'm in way over my head with this one, but I'm going to try anyway. I'm thinking that if I still like the idea in 1, 3, 5 years I can always remake it and if nothing else get an awesome before and after pic. 😉

 

3 hours ago, starsapart said:

I like the art a lot!

 

For whatever it's worth, I've lived most of my life in the shadow of a parent who is effortlessly excellent at things, often resulting in me feeling like I'm stupid/lazy/talentless/you name it. So I get the feeling of not wanting to share your struggles with someone like that, even if you love them.

 

I'm glad you're still here.

Thanks!

 

Did you ever get over it? 

It's funny because logically I can fully understand where his "talent" comes from and how 40 years of experience in other hobbies have prepared him for learning this new skill. But alas humans are not actually that good at being rational and logical despite being the most intelligent species.

 

2 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

We are your friends, so when you hurt we sympathize with you  and  give at least virtual hugs. I like the drawings

Thanks. Hugs are always welcome. 🤗

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Just now, Mad Hatter said:

Did you ever get over it?

 

I wish I could say I did, but no. My coping mechanism was to throw myself into the areas of study and exploration where my mother did not have any skill or interest, which is how I ended up getting into studying foreign languages, dance, and ultimately all other kinds of physical pursuits. I still feel like a sad shadow imitation in areas like music (I don't do it professionally anymore), art (I actually quit drawing altogether out of discouragement), and a few other things. I can't say my method is the best method, but carving out my own space did help.

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Baby steps. I woke up a little late and a little groggy so I started the day by taking my coffee and a book outside. It was wonderful. (And probably the first and last sun I'll see for the week)

 

After that I didn't have time to do any art studies before my work meeting. Work is such a struggle right now, I'm really scraping the productivity barrel. I had to set myself a goal of completing this tiny element, requiring no brain power whatsoever. Finishing it felt like a gargantuan accomplishment, but I did it.

 

---

 

I had an amusing conversation with my friend at work. He's going to be the team lead for a new project and he was trying to get me onboard. It went something like this:

 

Him: "So now that you've moved into web development..."

Me: "You mean now that you've brutally pushed me into the garbage world of web?"

Him: "I don't know what you're talking about 😇"

Me: "Remember the time where you dumped all responsibility on me because you couldn't be bothered to go through a PR and have since then taken all the crap for from the boss? 

Him: "..."

Him: "So aaaanyway, now that you've moved into web development..."

 

It was all very tongue in cheek of course, I actually think it would be a lot more fun working with him on this brand new project than any of the other million project we're starting (without having the staff for). It's not like I'll be leaving anytime soon as I had originally planned...

 

---

My movement of the day consisted of 1 minute of dancing. I'm going to try and beat that tomorrow. Actually my friends want to go climbing. I'm going to do my best to join them, but we'll see if my energy levels will allow it. I feel a little better, but after being sedentary for such a long time, climbing feels quite daunting. We'll see.

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21 minutes ago, starsapart said:

I wish I could say I did, but no. My coping mechanism was to throw myself into the areas of study and exploration where my mother did not have any skill or interest, which is how I ended up getting into studying foreign languages, dance, and ultimately all other kinds of physical pursuits. I still feel like a sad shadow imitation in areas like music (I don't do it professionally anymore), art (I actually quit drawing altogether out of discouragement), and a few other things. I can't say my method is the best method, but carving out my own space did help.

I'm glad you found a way even if it meant losing other things. Those are some pretty cool explorations!

It reminds me of my brief foray into photography. My dad is also a photographer, but he loves precision and angles and composition. So I went the opposite direction, capturing snapshots of people in action, and focused more on expression than if the image was sharp. That way it didn't feel like I was imitating him.

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

But even if I know that it's ok to feel bad, I really don't want to add my own troubles and infect this supportive awesome place into a dank place. And I also hate being all woe is me when there's so many of us in the same boat.

 

If we wanted fake smiles and sugar coated family/friend photos we'd just spend our time on Facebook instead

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1 hour ago, starsapart said:

My coping mechanism was to throw myself into the areas of study and exploration where my mother did not have any skill or interest,

 

Hmmmmm I did not do this conciously but I might have done this?

 

8 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

 

If we wanted fake smiles and sugar coated family/friend photos we'd just spend our time on Facebook instead

 

YES

 

5 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

I think you're just going to have to accept that if you post something like this, you will get sympathy. We can't help ourselves.

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

You people suck, always so bloody supportive and awesome. 😛Thank you.

 

Sorry not sorry 😇

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

It's funny because logically I can fully understand where his "talent" comes from and how 40 years of experience in other hobbies have prepared him for learning this new skill. But alas humans are not actually that good at being rational and logical despite being the most intelligent species.

 

Well, being consistent and PERsistent is a skill on its own that I am working on as we speak...

 

I tip my hat towards anyone that is born with that inner drive 😜 But those that don't have that natural skill can still get pretty far :)

 

also, even when you don't have spoons to give it is still damned motivating to me to see you keep coming back and trying again.

 

not that I will hold it against you if you disappear, but yeah I do appreciate seeing you back as well :)

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

You people suck, always so bloody supportive and awesome. 😛Thank you.

 

 

I know, and we won't ever go away either. We're just terrible. 😛 

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On 5/18/2020 at 11:23 PM, Tobbe said:

If we wanted fake smiles and sugar coated family/friend photos we'd just spend our time on Facebook instead

Heh true.

 

On 5/18/2020 at 11:28 PM, analoggirl said:

also, even when you don't have spoons to give it is still damned motivating to me to see you keep coming back and trying again.

 

not that I will hold it against you if you disappear, but yeah I do appreciate seeing you back as well :)

Aww thanks. At least the challenge title was apt indeed. 😂

 

On 5/18/2020 at 11:36 PM, Scalyfreak said:

I know, and we won't ever go away either. We're just terrible. 😛 

THE WORST ❤️

 

6 hours ago, analoggirl said:

Currently reading a manga - after not reading manga or watching anime for years - a friend recommended and I am enjoying the scenery :) So I thought I'd share.

 

(Oof, maybe avoid the comment sections. Never could get into all the shipping/harem commentary :D )

 

https://manganelo.com/chapter/ijhr296321559609648/chapter_1

Thanks! I'll check it for sure!

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My mood is finally perking back up again and energy levels slowly coming back! Yay! It hasn't yet translated to much more movement, but baby steps. At least I managed to get some work done both today and yesterday. And by today's work I mean sitting outside in the sun for a few hours, drinking coffee, eating ice cream and chatting with people. 😉It was very productive and clearly I need to start taking out my laptop outside more. It's just so nice to work in the fresh air, watching squirrels and pheasants. There's even a good picnic table right in front of my building where I still get wifi.

 

Also I discovered one of the worst smells in existence. Burnt fish sauce. I spilled some on a warm hob without noticing and JFC THE SMELL. The weird funk of fish sauce multiplied by a factor 100 with added smokiness. The worst part is that even when the smell is 90% gone, there's still something nauseating in the air. 

 

And now it's time for a long weekend! Tomorrow's mission is to actually move properly and start undoing the damage that I've been causing my poor body...

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5 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Also I discovered one of the worst smells in existence. Burnt fish sauce. I spilled some on a warm hob without noticing and JFC THE SMELL. The weird funk of fish sauce multiplied by a factor 100 with added smokiness. The worst part is that even when the smell is 90% gone, there's still something nauseating in the air. 

 

 

😂 I can imagine. We visited a fish sauce factory in Vietnam, and it's pretty pungent. I didn't have much problem with the smell, but other tourists started gagging and had to leave 😛 It does do wonders for some recipes though. Adding it to vegan (yes, turning it not so vegan any more) bolognese is a trick that does wonders for the taste.

 

Hope the nauseating smell airs out soon enough

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I like the taste of fish sauce, but if you take a whiff of the stuff before adding it to your food🤢so I can imagine burnt fish sauce. Hopefully it goes away and you don't have to burn your home down.

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1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Also I discovered one of the worst smells in existence. Burnt fish sauce. I spilled some on a warm hob without noticing and JFC THE SMELL. The weird funk of fish sauce multiplied by a factor 100 with added smokiness. The worst part is that even when the smell is 90% gone, there's still something nauseating in the air. 

 

OH GROSS!!!

 

I hope you got rid of it!

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2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Also I discovered one of the worst smells in existence. Burnt fish sauce. I spilled some on a warm hob without noticing and JFC THE SMELL. The weird funk of fish sauce multiplied by a factor 100 with added smokiness. The worst part is that even when the smell is 90% gone, there's still something nauseating in the air. 

 

c.f. burnt popcorn in the microwave

re-heating fish of any kind in the microwave.

 

The school where my mom worked had to ban microwave popcorn because so many people kept burning it in the microwave in the teacher's workroom/lounge.

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11 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 

The school where my mom worked had to ban microwave popcorn because so many people kept burning it in the microwave in the teacher's workroom/lounge.

 

A person at my job actually started a small fire doing that once.

 

Microwave popcorn are still allowed.

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4 minutes ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

A person at my job actually started a small fire doing that once.

 

Microwave popcorn are still allowed.

At one job where I worked someone made one of those single-serve microwave mac and cheese bowls but forgot to add water. It didn't burn but smoked something awful.

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On 5/18/2020 at 8:48 PM, Mad Hatter said:

 

You know what, I got an idea the exact moment I read that sentence and I started working on it straight away. 😄Then I very quickly realized I'm in way over my head with this one, but I'm going to try anyway. I'm thinking that if I still like the idea in 1, 3, 5 years I can always remake it and if nothing else get an awesome before and after pic. 😉

Yesss!

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

And by today's work I mean sitting outside in the sun for a few hours, drinking coffee, eating ice cream and chatting with people.

That sounds very good :) it’s hard to have sucky thoughts like that. 

I think you’ve only been not moving for max 2 weeks, so I’m hoping it’ll be fiiiine!

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3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

And by today's work I mean sitting outside in the sun for a few hours, drinking coffee, eating ice cream and chatting with people. 😉It was very productive and clearly I need to start taking out my laptop outside more. It's just so nice to work in the fresh air, watching squirrels and pheasants. There's even a good picnic table right in front of my building where I still get wifi.

 

This sounds FANTASTIC. Getting outside always helps lift my mood, too. I wish it weren't so unfathomably hot already. I'm missing my spring chair swing time. 🥵

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