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Bean Sidhe

Bean Sidhe Vs. Chaos: What now?

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On 5/22/2020 at 8:02 PM, Jupiter said:

 

Yay, I'm glad the doctor's appointment went well (except for the ear infection), and congrats on losing 2 pounds!

 

Thanks

 

On 5/22/2020 at 8:02 PM, Jupiter said:

I'm sorry your brother is moving though. 

 

 

I am not shocked. he moved here about 7 months ago because he was at a crossroads. He got a job that wasn't bad, but not something he was ever going to be really happy in. He finally has something that I think he will be happy doing for the next 20 years as he puts it, but it means going back to where he just left. And We will still see him, but it won't be multiple times a week like it has been. And the other upside is he is a total night owl so like last night, he was here till midnight and Hubby and I were fine with it, until we realized that it was midnight after he left and we crashed. Boxes stayed undone. Oops'

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Ugh, I am so thrown off by Saturdays.. I don't know if it is the lack of structure or the I don't know what to do with myself without homework, but I seem to skim through those days.

So Friday went okay. I was still fighting the dumb WMI thing, but I got to the nursery and bought the compost I needed. Then I spent after working getting my 30 Tomato plants in the ground. I was tired, but I still got 3 walks in and did okay. On my last walk, I walked off the side of my ankle (common thing sadly) and twisted it a bit, so I had to do a halfway on the exercises. I also ended up eating a 2nd dinner again because as part of the "agents are adults" bootcamp, Eldest agent cooked and again he got the amounts wrong, so there was really only enough food for 2 instead of 4. But hes trying and we can make sure they eat then we get snacks. The snacks are never the best idea, but it is something.

  • Strength  8 pts out of 6 (Max 13)
  • Flexibility 8 pts out of 8 (Max 16)
  • Life and Family 19 pts out of 12  (Max 21)
  • Fight Chaos - Clean 11 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Fight Chaos - Purge 9 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Walking 6 pts out of 3 (Max 6)
  • Fuel 14 pts out of 12 (Max 15)
  • Total 75 pts out of 53 (Max 93) 
  • Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

Saturday I slept in till almost 930 and then was off the whole day. I missed my morning walk then was behind the whole day. I did manage to get the entire rest of the garden in besides my celery, but that just is waiting till its a bit bigger to go in the ground. I also got a TON of weeding done, which was good, so that was taken care of. There is always more weeding to do but it is something. Hubby adn I also decided on the tile for the kitchen that is SAD need of repair (We have broken tiles that move when you walk on them). We ended up cutting some templates out of cardboard to decide the layout for it. However, since I did so much, then Brother S came over at like 4, throwing my evening off and staying till midnight, not much else got done.  Boxes I only got 2 of 7 done (Life and family and Fuel) and almost no other points.  So yeah, Saturday got away from me and I did manage to get a really lovely sunburn on both shoulders.

So as usual, Sat is bad, other days are not so bad. Here is to hoping today is better.

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On 5/24/2020 at 11:38 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

I am not shocked. he moved here about 7 months ago because he was at a crossroads. He got a job that wasn't bad, but not something he was ever going to be really happy in. He finally has something that I think he will be happy doing for the next 20 years as he puts it, but it means going back to where he just left. And We will still see him, but it won't be multiple times a week like it has been. And the other upside is he is a total night owl so like last night, he was here till midnight and Hubby and I were fine with it, until we realized that it was midnight after he left and we crashed. Boxes stayed undone. Oops'

 

Oops, LOL. Well I'm glad that he was able to find a job that he will enjoy despite it being farther away. :) 

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On 5/25/2020 at 2:54 PM, Jupiter said:

 

Oops, LOL. Well I'm glad that he was able to find a job that he will enjoy despite it being farther away. :) 

 

No worries, I am happy for him. He has been making a point to come hang here quite a bit before he leaves. He also knows he will be coming back up and visiting and getting supplies in chunks. And at worse, he will only be 5 hours away, so still within weekend visiting range.

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So I was about to do an update, and then my mom called and said that my brother called and is on his way. He gave my mom 4 hours notice that he was coming up (with the family?). So I rush over and drop off Agent Youngest and I feel horrible about it. My mom was crying for no reason randomly. But I have to work, and Agent Youngest said it was okay to help my mom clean. (I owe that child massively).  I am going over after I get off, but I have Brother S and mentor for dinner tonight, so I can't just spend my day there.

I did take mom's dog so that he didn't make her worse. He was going to get stuck in the crate all day otherwise. At least now he is hanging out here and will be tired when I take him back.  But now, on migraine day, I have the little yappy dog that loves to bark when someone else does.

FML... I totally just want to blanket fort today

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OKay, since the website I need to do my work is down, I figured I will work on my update.


Sunday I did better than Saturday. I got in a few other plants I had picked up, got the tile ordered for my kitchen project and was feeling good. Then I went to my mom's to plant the 4 plants I bought her. She was mad I wasn't going to put in the full garden I originally planned. I thought was I was being smart, since I don't know what my life looks like and didn't want to saddle her with a big garden when she can't tend it. No, now I am being horrible for not doing a huge thing. Add to that, I was told we will be redoing the whole landscaping this year. WTF??? This was not in my plan and I had JUST TOLD HER I didn't know how much I could commit to her garden.  So guess what I will be doing all summer.  There was other drama there, mostly about how my family who has been doing yardwork has been doing it wrong and I wasn't there to tell instead of telling Hubby. So I came home and instead of being all invigorated when I left, I was moody and crabby and didn't wanna. I did manage to finish my boxes, but I admit I didn't give the exercises my full effort. But I did something, and I am calling that a win.

Sunday

  • Strength  6 pts out of 6 (Max 13)
  • Flexibility 8 pts out of 8 (Max 16)
  • Life and Family 14 pts out of 12  (Max 21)
  • Fight Chaos - Clean 10 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Fight Chaos - Purge 8 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Walking 4 pts out of 3 (Max 6)
  • Fuel 14 pts out of 12 (Max 15)
  • Total 64 pts out of 53 (Max 93) 
  • Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

Monday was somewhat better, except I had to go clean a cat crate first thing at moms, then have mom and mil for lunch, then go back and finish the cat crate at moms that afternoon. Overall, not a bad day (I stayed out of the mini-cheesecakes) but I didn't feel like I had a great day. I did get a ton of walking in, but that was about it. Although Hubby heard my mom giving me crap for monitoring my tea consumption and tracking my water. because "Well I don't do it and its stupid and if you brew your own tea instead of buying it, you don't have to do any of that".   Hubby admits mom is a bit... toxic  right now, and we both agree there is not changing her atm, she has to want to change, but we both doubt it will happen. We can't walk away since she can barely care for herself. so its a crappy situation to be in.  I did better Monday, but was still moody from everything else and just didn't wanna.


Monday

  • Strength  7 pts out of 6 (Max 13)
  • Flexibility 10 pts out of 8 (Max 16)
  • Life and Family 16 pts out of 12  (Max 21)
  • Fight Chaos - Clean 9 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Fight Chaos - Purge 7 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Walking 6 pts out of 3 (Max 6)
  • Fuel 15 pts out of 12 (Max 15)
  • Total 70 pts out of 53 (Max 93) 
  • Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

Tuesday

Was better overall. More unexpected Brother S time, but the day overall was just more frustrating as things didn't work as they were supposed to. I did better boxes wise, but missed bedtime to do so. Also found out I am officially going back to the office next week, so I need to start transitioning to a bit earlier wake up call. I realized part of the reason I am avoiding really working on getting  big kid job, that whole internship/resume mess I went through has me scarred a bit that no one will want me and the idea of opening my resume to work on it has me more freaked out.  I need to start working on it, but I just am so afraid it will be another mess and I will just get more .....  negativity from my mom about all of it. I hate being almost 40 and avoiding stuff because of my mom, but I am also the only one who will deal with her (See the less than 4 hours notice of my brother coming up).  Challenge wise, I did really well with my walks and getting stuff done. I still could of done more, but I did something and I will take it. This is why I am not doing 100% yet, to allow for bad days which will happen.


Tuesday

  • Strength  10 pts out of 6 (Max 13)
  • Flexibility 10 pts out of 8 (Max 16)
  • Life and Family 16 pts out of 12  (Max 21)
  • Fight Chaos - Clean 10 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Fight Chaos - Purge 7 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Walking 6 pts out of 3 (Max 6)
  • Fuel 14 pts out of 12 (Max 15)
  • Total 73 pts out of 53 (Max 93) 
  • Number of boxes - 7 out of 7

 

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On 5/14/2020 at 4:35 PM, RedStone said:

 

I've been doing "once around the block" lately as well! It started as a low thresh hold - "all you have to do is ONCE around the block"... but it's really quite lovely! I like that it's not a huge time commitment, and wow does it clear my head. I really like Once Around The Block :) I think it has a lot of value!

I think I'll do this when I get home. Haven't been doing any outside movement, and I think it could help with my mental health. 

 

4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I realized part of the reason I am avoiding really working on getting  big kid job, that whole internship/resume mess I went through has me scarred a bit that no one will want me and the idea of opening my resume to work on it has me more freaked out

I feel your pain on this. My last job search was really hard with lots of painful rejections and it makes me afraid to even try again. 

 

 

4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Hubby admits mom is a bit... toxic  right now, and we both agree there is not changing her atm, she has to want to change, but we both doubt it will happen. We can't walk away since she can barely care for herself. so its a crappy situation to be in.  I did better Monday, but was still moody from everything else and just didn't wanna.

I'm starting to like your mother about as much as I like my own. I know you don't feel like you can, but I want you to know that "happily estranged" is a thing. 

 

I'm late to the party, but following along.

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15 hours ago, Whisper said:

I think I'll do this when I get home. Haven't been doing any outside movement, and I think it could help with my mental health. 

I will say it is nice. I got notice I am going back to the office next week, so I am worried I might lose a walk or two. Mainly the morning once since I can see me not getting up early enough to do it before going into the office.

 

 

15 hours ago, Whisper said:

I feel your pain on this. My last job search was really hard with lots of painful rejections and it makes me afraid to even try again. 

 

This is pretty much where I am. My school's answer to finding an internship was to cold call places and ask if they want an intern. That makes people very angry and on paper I know I don't look as good as most.

 

 

15 hours ago, Whisper said:

 

I'm starting to like your mother about as much as I like my own. I know you don't feel like you can, but I want you to know that "happily estranged" is a thing. 

 

I know a couple people who have done this (That is why there is chosen family vs Blood family). I have thought about it, but I come back to 3 big things. A) How do I explain it to Agents who will be caught in the middle, especially Eldest who is 17. B) Who would take care of her since she can't do it herself and my brother is useless? C) Can I live with MYSELF for doing it? I know where she is, but I can not only forgive but be okay with making this choice knowing the previous 2? The ability to live with myself and not hate myself for it is the hardest of them all.

 

 

15 hours ago, Whisper said:

I'm late to the party, but following along.

Glad to have you

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So yesterday was a non-challenge day. In being 100% honest, I had hoped to do something, But my day went like this.

Get phone call that Bio-Brother is coming and run Youngest Agent to moms and get on late for work.
Come home, start work on project that won't work because the website is down.
Hubby picks up Youngest agent, takes her to pre-arranged playdate.

Lunch walk, get put on new project that is just as frustrating as other project for similar reasons (even mentor said it should work).
Youngest Agent comes home, I run her to my mom's to help watch my feral (My Bio-brothers term) nieces
Come home, finish work.
Run back over to my mom's to help with my brother, keep my mom from losing it on them. Mom complains she is upset since she missed her nap and was tired
Talk to brother frankly
Left them still there, and we ran back home for dinner with Brother S and mentor (also pre-arranged) as Brother S last dinner with us.
Brother S and Mentor left at 11.
Ran report for work that decided to glitch weirdly

Went to bed at midnight and not sleep till 1.

(OH, and Yappy dog decided to start barking at 5 because he needed to go out).

So yeah, challenge didn't really happen. Today should be better. Yappy dog goes home, No one is planning on going anywhere or coming over. Early to bed

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Thursday was much calmer than Weds.


Took Yappy dog back, only to be guilted because my mom couldn't "buy us lunch" and by buy me and Youngest Agent lunch, ti was really "go buy me food and get yourselves something". I went over on my lunch break. I spent most of it walking, then was just dropping it of and coming back.  Nor did I want fast food which I seem to react badly to the last few years.

I also somehow managed to get myself into another project I shouldn't have. Long story short, I ended up talking to Garden club teacher at the old school, and the garden needs rebuilt. so I am now going to help with that, and with caring for that garden all summer because we don't know if anyone will since the whole plague thing means the kids didn't plant anything., she did. But it feels good to be needed there. Its something that is only happy memories I guess.

Otherwise I did good, I got my boxes, and while I was annoyed with Eldest Agent for not going to bed so I could do my exercises and stretches, I did managed to do them. He saw the calf raises and gave me a weird look, and I know I look dumb doing them but I am just not comfortable doing them in front of people. Hubby I have gotten better about, but he tries to not be around so I don't feel self conscious.  I think it is the whole no one wants to watch me jiggle thing.

So I am off to do the rest of my boxes for the night, maybe have an adult lemonade, watch some magicians and go to bed. I need to rest up this weekend before going back to the office on Monday.


Monday

  • Strength  7 pts out of 6 (Max 13)
  • Flexibility 10 pts out of 8 (Max 16)
  • Life and Family 20 pts out of 12  (Max 21)
  • Fight Chaos - Clean 9 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Fight Chaos - Purge 8 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Walking 6 pts out of 3 (Max 6)
  • Fuel 15 pts out of 12 (Max 15)
  • Total 75 pts out of 53 (Max 93) 
  • Number of boxes - 7 out of 7
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On 5/28/2020 at 5:53 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

So yeah, challenge didn't really happen. Today should be better. Yappy dog goes home, No one is planning on going anywhere or coming over. Early to bed

 

Can't really blame you, that's a lot to do in one day. I'm glad Thursday was better. :) 

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19 hours ago, Jupiter said:

 

Can't really blame you, that's a lot to do in one day. I'm glad Thursday was better. :) 

Yeah, Weds just was outside of my comfort zone. Also didn't need my brothers and his wifes looks when I said what I had to leave. I have seen no one this whole time and it was a going away for Brother S so they can deal.

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Friday was really quiet mostly. Work was almost non-existent. I get so tired of being told to spend the day reading documentation ALL DAY, especially when I am supposed to have 24 hours of training on it early next week.

Then I took my mom to clean out her office. I had to drive her there, and then carry out 1 vine plant, 1 succulent and an ENTIRE reusable grocery bag of CHOCOLATE and cookies. Please let me never become that person.  Then we get int he car and she is like "Where are you driving me to get lunch?" (Its 330 pm, I was not expecting to do more than take her to work and back, and we won't talk about mask use.  So I end up taking her across town to get food and while there she starts doing the "Oh, I need gas" so I take care of that too. Ugh. Be up front with me.

And I got a very panicked "ARE YOU RETAINING WATER OR ARE YOU GOING TO DIE?" I am on my period, thanks mom. My feet are apparently swollen, and while my dad's were swollen before he died, jump to a conclusion much? So now I am dying (Note, I asked hubby and he said my feet and ankles don't look swollen, so whatever). But now I am paranoid. And yes, there were other "mom" moments especially about the Agents and "What if" but I dunno. I kinda just did the "yes mom" to let her rant.

But once I got home, I had a good walk and a good dinner and went to bed feeling better overall. I just wish I could find some way for her NOT to drive me crazy. I had it down pretty well a while ago, but then Dad had his stroke, and she was making him and ME nuts, and we bonded over that, and now hes gone and I am the one she  is picking on because I will talk to her. 

Challenge wise, I did pretty well. I totaled the day at 14,044 steps.  I did really well at my exercises and the dog walk was longer than usual. Although Agent K-9 was very tired when we got back. I need to feel this is working, and while I am in the darker place due to my hormones, I am not sure it is working and what if I am doing all this work and its never going to change. And this is partially related to her and the "IT will never go away, your stuck like this" BS. But I need to try. I need to be able to walk and keep moving. So I am trying, but I really just feel like I am wasting my time. Also, I had a butterscotch cookie so I had stupid sugar. but they were warm and fresh.

 

Friday

  • Strength  10 pts out of 6 (Max 13)
  • Flexibility 10 pts out of 8 (Max 16)
  • Life and Family 20 pts out of 12  (Max 21)
  • Fight Chaos - Clean 10 pts out of 6 (Max 11)0
  • Fight Chaos - Purge 6 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Walking 6 pts out of 3 (Max 6)
  • Fuel 14 pts out of 12 (Max 15)
  • Total 76 pts out of 53 (Max 93) 
  • Number of boxes - 7 out of 7
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3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I totaled the day at 14,044 steps.

 

3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

. So I am trying, but I really just feel like I am wasting my time.

14 thousand steps is roughly equivalent to 7 miles. You walked 7 miles. Most people don't walk 7 miles in a day, most people can't walk 7 miles. And while I know this isn't what was originally meant by the laws of motion, I still think that it applies; a "body in motion tends to stay in motion". You are getting your body into motion. Even if it isn't or doesn't result in weight loss, that motion was the single best thing that you could possibly do for your mental and physical health. You took 14 thousand steps, it wasn't a waste of your time.

 

3 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Also, I had a butterscotch cookie so I had stupid sugar. but they were warm and fresh.

You had a warm, fresh cookie, I don't think you should feel bad for enjoying that.

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2 minutes ago, Whisper said:

14 thousand steps is roughly equivalent to 7 miles. You walked 7 miles. Most people don't walk 7 miles in a day, most people can't walk 7 miles. And while I know this isn't what was originally meant by the laws of motion, I still think that it applies; a "body in motion tends to stay in motion". You are getting your body into motion. Even if it isn't or doesn't result in weight loss, that motion was the single best thing that you could possibly do for your mental and physical health. You took 14 thousand steps, it wasn't a waste of your time.

 

Agreed. Adding to that, as long as you feel good when you walk/exercise and you enjoy being "in motion", then that's what matters and it was most definitely not a waste of time. 

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22 hours ago, Whisper said:

14 thousand steps is roughly equivalent to 7 miles. You walked 7 miles. Most people don't walk 7 miles in a day, most people can't walk 7 miles. And while I know this isn't what was originally meant by the laws of motion, I still think that it applies; a "body in motion tends to stay in motion". You are getting your body into motion. Even if it isn't or doesn't result in weight loss, that motion was the single best thing that you could possibly do for your mental and physical health. You took 14 thousand steps, it wasn't a waste of your time.

 

This is what I keep trying to tell myself, but honestly the scale has been moving the wrong away again. The one thing the RN said I could do to slow down the arthritis that is crippling my mom is lose weight and keep moving. I am trying on the one, but I am keeping moving so that will hopefully help. At least when I dont' feel so beat up. (darn the whole of shape aches)

 

 

22 hours ago, Whisper said:

You had a warm, fresh cookie, I don't think you should feel bad for enjoying that.

Thank you. I try not to say "I am not allowed X" because that is all I crave. But I also am trying to not eat a WHOLE BATCH of cookies myself. I sometimes forget that 1 is okay.

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22 hours ago, Jupiter said:

 

Agreed. Adding to that, as long as you feel good when you walk/exercise and you enjoy being "in motion", then that's what matters and it was most definitely not a waste of time. 


Honestly, I have never liked exercise or moving. I don't. Maybe it is I have never found what I enjoy, but for the most part, the only thing I ever liked doing movement wise was when I use to do LARP and it was running and beating on people with sticks. That made me way more confident and helped with a ton of baggage I use to have. baggage that is sadly coming back. But I don't have that outlet anymore, so time to find a new thing like that. The problem is, I don't know what that could even be.

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So Saturday went better overall. I didn't eat my banana because we were out, and I didn't want to do boxes, but I got moving. Honestly, I don't know if it is the dread of going back to the office,but I have had a general sense of "BLAH" where I just don't wanna do things.

But I made myself go get my mom milk (that she told me she needed at 9 AM), then the nursery to get her birthday gift. Then I got some yard work done and all the aloe split into smaller pots and put outside to grow and see if it survives. I put in a few more eggplants into the yard. Realized my favorite nursery is hurting from this pandemic (they don't even have basil) but I may have to go to like the big box home improvement places to get what I need.  (this is the point in the year where I say "One more plant won't hurt" and then get overwhelmed with them in 2 months)

Then Brother S came over and we said goodbye. We just got use to having chosen family so close,  but with the new job he should be able to travel more. Then we watched the space x launch and honestly, I was done.

But Hubby got me moving and I got all my boxes done. Not Amazing boxes, but some. I am still walking and again I hit 14,000+ steps. I really want this to work. I need to get back into positive mode, but I think my anxiety is against me right now.  I just kinda want to know that I Have the stamp on my transcript that I graduated and that my paper will come in the mail and that I have a job. That I can schedule to see my chosen family who will fix some of my brain. That I know what my life looks like in the next 3 months with Agents and appointments and scheduling my life. That all this effort is DOING SOMETHING.

Anyway, time to get back to doing something. Trying to do boxes so I can say I did something today besides eat TOO MUCH FOOD. (Mom's birthday, she wanted all the food then complained unless I ate it too). but that is for another day.
 

Saturday

  • Strength  7 pts out of 6 (Max 13)
  • Flexibility 10 pts out of 8 (Max 16)
  • Life and Family 20 pts out of 12  (Max 21)
  • Fight Chaos - Clean 9 pts out of 6 (Max 11)0
  • Fight Chaos - Purge 6 pts out of 6 (Max 11)
  • Walking 6 pts out of 3 (Max 6)
  • Fuel 14 pts out of 12 (Max 15)
  • Total 72 pts out of 53 (Max 93) 
  • Number of boxes - 7 out of 7
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1 hour ago, Bean Sidhe said:

The problem is, I don't know what that could even be.

So last summer, I found that I really enjoyed hiking. You're already doing a ton of walking, is there anywhere near you that you can get a bit more off the paved path and into nature?

 

 

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I know you say you feel you are doing all this for nothing.. but damn girl. You move way more than me (even on a bad day). I'm lucky if I get 2k steps. It sucks the scale is going up but you are better off for doing it. Keep at it!

 

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1 hour ago, Whisper said:

So last summer, I found that I really enjoyed hiking. You're already doing a ton of walking, is there anywhere near you that you can get a bit more off the paved path and into nature?

 

 

 

Oh, nice, I like this idea. :) Adding to that, maybe you can rope the family into doing some form of laser tag in the house or backyard? Or maybe you guys can set up an obstacle course in the backyard? I know it's not exactly LARP, but maybe those will be enough to give you that same feeling?

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11 hours ago, Whisper said:

So last summer, I found that I really enjoyed hiking. You're already doing a ton of walking, is there anywhere near you that you can get a bit more off the paved path and into nature?

 

 

Not really. The closest hiking place (is closed) and about 45 minutes away and its not a great one. The better one is about an hour+, and I think it is closed too. But the driving there and back time would be the hardest part. We have done it before, (once or twice) but it kills the whole day and even now, we don't have whole days free.

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9 hours ago, Rookie said:

I know you say you feel you are doing all this for nothing.. but damn girl. You move way more than me (even on a bad day). I'm lucky if I get 2k steps. It sucks the scale is going up but you are better off for doing it. Keep at it!

 

 

Thanks Rookie

I use to be much better when I worked the old crappy job since I was walking hallways all day. I got back to the office today, so we will see if I can keep it up.

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9 hours ago, Jupiter said:

 

Oh, nice, I like this idea. :) Adding to that, maybe you can rope the family into doing some form of laser tag in the house or backyard? Or maybe you guys can set up an obstacle course in the backyard? I know it's not exactly LARP, but maybe those will be enough to give you that same feeling?

Oldest will never do the either of those.  He has no problem walking, but is not a fan of doing much else, unless its playing with the larp stuff.  And sadly, Hubby is 6'8", so nothing is really designed to fit him unless we build from scratch and we need to work around the garden. Youngest Agent would, but she did Ninja warrior training for a while, but got too tall and started dragging her feet because she touched the ground (Shes 5'9" at 12).

I toy with doing martial arts sometimes, but I need to lose some weight and deal with some joint issues first.

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