Teros 62: Schedule

[Teros]

I've been thinking about what I want to do this challenge and I'm having a pretty hard time.  Quick recap of last 2 challenges: I put my foot down with my sister and JJ (a ladyfriend) when it comes to spending time with them.  I needed to detox from junk food and both were enablers.  I also started a dumbbell workout at home.  The result is almost 30 pounds down, completing a whole30, and boosting my weights to this:

https://imgur.com/QkNhpD3

 

The weights I started with on the right, the new ones I'm using today are on the left.

 

In this timeframe, JJ seemed to have something click.  She wanted to do workouts with me, was more affectionate, wanted to do some modeling....it seemed overall like she was happier and was taking care of herself more. Then the last couple days of the previous challenge, she had a meltdown and the result was roughly a week of arguing every single day.  I felt like I was more emotionally closer to her leading up to this but now I feel like I've taken a giant step backwards with how much I actually want to invest in a relationship with her.  That week-long arguing had my eating and sleep go way off the rails but the past day or so, I've started to feel better.  I think that's why I'm undecided on what I'm doing this challenge.

 

What I *have* realized though, is that I need way more structure with my time. If I don't meticulously plan everything in my life, I slack off and then I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and depression starts to hit.  Tentative plans:

 

Monday/Wednesday/Friday: Wake at 5am (maybe 4:30?), dumbbell workout, breakfast, shower, work.  I think I'll be in too much pain after I get out of work to do anything actually productive.

 

Sunday/Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday: Wake at 5am and *PROJECT*.  There's a bunch of smaller things that I know I want to do but this is where the scheduling needs to take place.  On day has to be batch cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc.  However, there's also a couple of books I want to read.  There's studying I should be doing (been slacking off again).

 

I don't know what's going on. I feel antsy and directionless.  Maybe I need to ramble so maybe you should just ignore the rest of this post...

 

I had a very structured plan for where I wanted to be by now.  I always feel like I haven't done enough; like I've fucked up.  My birthday is May 1st and normally on my bday and on New Years, I get really hard on myself with feeling like a failure.  However, with JJ doing so well and things looking good for *us*, I wasn't feeling that this year.  I'm sort of feeling it now though, post-arguments.  I feel like I'm sort of having an identity crisis.  I don't enjoy doing anything.  I don't want to watch youtube or tv.  I don't want to play videogames.  I don't want to be around women.  However you would personify the feeling of 'Ugh' with an eyeroll, that is my mentality.  A big fat UGH.  Like let's take right this minute as an example:  I feel gross and won't be able to study.  I don't want to watch the mortal kombat tournament that is open on youtube.  I did a bunch of cleaning on Friday and don't feel like doing that.  The thought of going to the market to shop (and not have fucking half of what I need) makes me frustrated.  Dr has barely talked to me the past 2 weeks because she is overwhelmed from work (I guess?) so I'm kind of indifferent to seeing her or JJ right now.  If I did a workout, I would need to shower and I got out of the shower about an hour ago and baked some chicken and did laundry and took out the trash so today, right now, what am I supposed to do?  I don't have anything planned and that's my problem.  Nothing sounds good.  Nothing sounds right.  That's kind of why I'm posting right now - I figured 'meh, whatever I guess I could'.

 

You know what it is? Everything feels fucking old.  Studying- it feels like I've been struggling with this shit for like 8 months to get through 1 book.  The women in my life- feels tiring.  Everyone with the corona panic  and all these fucking 'we're all in this together' bullshit - I'm tired of it.  All the youtube and games: I'm tired of them.  I have a bad case of food boredom as well.  Every food option SUCKS.  The only thing that is holding my interest is this dumbbell workout.  Maybe because it's noticeable progress so it still feels new-ish?  Even my fucking hair: I'm tired of it.  I'm tired of who I interact with, my job, the things I do in my spare time.  All of it is UGH.  I need a breath of fresh air and to do something big and new and different but fuck me if I know *what* that thing is.  Like....do I really want another challenge where it's a workout, a whole30, studying, etc?  You know what I'm saying?  It's all so. fucking. boring.  What the hell do I do?  I thought about maybe learning guitar or something but I feel really deflated and unmotivated to do that.  I need to buckle down and make a schedule and force myself to do it because right now, I'm not happy where I am in life.

 

Like, ok, here's some of the shit that has crossed my mind in the past week or so:

-Start Bellmyst story

-Learn guitar

-Learn german

-Learn spanish

-Start a bodybuilder workout

-Make an account on twitch and do game streams or maybe cooking streams

-Paint the house

-Buy a shotgun and go shooting

-Build something....ANYTHING

-Finish art projects I started

 

I feel fucking lost without NF.  The only constant in my life that made me feel better in the past like 7 years has been NF and school and lyn fucked that up and I'm sort of treading water.  How the fuck do I motivate myself to stop being a fucking idiot and just be awesome like I used to be?  Think.  THINK.

[Loveable_Bouncer]

First off happy be-lated birthday!

 

Second off stop being os hard on yourself!

You are learning a whole life with new habits! A year out of school, and last year you were still going through a needed cleaning.

And for J it could be a number of things plus the chaos of the pandemic. 

Despite everything you have been keeping up with consistent workouts! Without injury (thats amazing).

 

As why you need to be easy on yourself! You are showing up to a structure and notice you need structure. But with a crisis as an international pandemic that can be difficult.... 

 

I think we are similar on having wants of several hobbies but time and life changes mix it up. Maybe give yourself time to do whatever is on the list and see what you are wanting to play with?

 

Let yourself be a kid and play around! I know for me I had period of times to play around with things because childhood situation/stress got in the way.... Kids are given a structure time but not forced into things.

[Mudd]

Man, this seems like an especially tough one.

If it was just a matter of making exercise new and fun, I'd recommend joining some kind of sports league. Intramural basketball or something. Depending on where you are, that might be pretty tough these days though. Maybe finding new goals should even be the goal itself? Spend the weeks trying out new things, seeing what's worthy of becoming a new personal quest.

 

It sounds like there's sort of an implied goal of trying to fix your relationship with your sister and JJ. I'm not sure what the steps are there, other than starting with open and honest (but tactful) communication. Maybe even just explaining to them what you explained to us, letting them know what kind of support you need.

In any case, good luck. Keep us updated.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I don't have solutions but I do have a big bag of that NF Support.

[Mudd]

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I don't have solutions but I do have a big bag of that NF Support.

Heck yeah, you do!

[DarK_RaideR]

First of all, happy belated birthday and good to see you still on NF. Now that we got this out of the way (my bday's on Christmas Eve) I can enter Parallel Universe mode for the rest of this post.

 

I've been there with the MEH feelz and let me tell you, it's more often than not caused by some other sort of dissatisfaction or emotional mess-up that's not readily apparent. Not sure what's your status with lockdown over there, but it can be a major detrimental factor that contributes to that feeling, as well as JJ's sudden shift. Guess it varies with whether you're an introvert or extrovert person, as well as how often you get out of the house (iirc you're classified as an essential worker and still get out to go to work). Lockdown hasn't been kind on me and the gf, not so much because we were stuck inside the house but because the overall uncertainty meant we weren't sure about financially pulling through. We got a little (too little too late) assistance from the state (which I guess is out of the table in the US because freeduhm!) but other than that we're both essentially exiting the lockdown having lost our jobs and not knowing what, if and when we can do about it. That'll get your mood down alright. Might not be the case for you, but there's bound to be something that'll drag you down, even if it's the sheer stupidity of your fellow people around or the crap you're bombarded with on mainstream and social media.

 

On 5/10/2020 at 9:12 PM, Teros said:

Even my fucking hair: I'm tired of it.

That's one of the easiest things to let some steam out with. I went DIY mohawk during the lockdown and it was awesome.

 

On 5/10/2020 at 9:12 PM, Teros said:

Like....do I really want another challenge where it's a workout, a whole30, studying, etc?

Yes you do. What you need is reason to stick with it and I don't mean the "looking hotter and feeling better" stuff. I've noticed my challenges work better if I have a pressing deadline to work towards, like a Spartan race or Crossfit competition. Those are probably out the window due to the pandemic, but I'm guessing if you set a "make goal X or die trying" thing, your black and white brain might have you hellbent on success. Other times it's a foundational problem you might be better off tackling: I've spent time setting ambitious fitness goals and failing them, only to realize that my nutrition sucked in the first place or that my finances were too bad to support any nutrition better than rice and pasta based cheap dishes. Last but not least, themes. I bet if you set up that Bellmyst thing again like you used to run the RPG Fanatics and tie it to your challenge goals, you'll do much better plus you'll have a creative outlet.

 

On 5/10/2020 at 9:12 PM, Teros said:

I thought about maybe learning guitar or something but I feel really deflated and unmotivated to do that.

People here are usually all about being encouraging and react with "do it" when things like these come up, but I'll say "don't" in this case. Clearly this is some sort of distraction or a quick fix of getaway, like putting a band aid over an infection that actually needs medication; you're only setting up yourself for disappointment for when you'll most likely give up because of the MEH again.

 

/end Parallel Universe mode

 

 

Oh, also

On 5/10/2020 at 11:52 PM, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

Second off stop being os hard on yourself!

Quoting for emphasis

[RES]

chiming in with another happy belated birthday, I suck because I know your birthday and my wedding anniversary are on the same day, and I  completely spaced it 😞 I hope it was amazing!

On 5/10/2020 at 2:12 PM, Teros said:

What I *have* realized though, is that I need way more structure with my time. If I don't meticulously plan everything in my life, I slack off and then I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and depression starts to hit

 I related to this on a personal level

[Sciread77]

Also happy belated birthday. Also this feels like something deeper than it appears. It’s been an undercurrent pretty much the whole time I’ve known you. I don’t have the answer. I just know I’ve had similar times and they’ve been awful. 
 

On 5/14/2020 at 3:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

 

On 5/10/2020 at 1:12 PM, Teros said:

Like....do I really want another challenge where it's a workout, a whole30, studying, etc?

Yes you do. What you need is reason to stick with it and I don't mean the "looking hotter and feeling better" stuff. I've noticed my challenges work better if I have a pressing deadline to work towards, like a Spartan race or Crossfit competition.

Agreed. I made more and higher quality progress (and felt better mentally) training for the job and physical test during that 4 months than I have for years prior to that. Challenges matter. They don’t have to be sports or competitions, but they have to be meaningful. 
 

One of my early successful challenge series was taking myself from “has trouble walking at Target” to “being able to carry kids and a backpack of kid supplies all day at Disney World.” Highly motivated. Not a competition against anyone but myself. Highly successful. 
 

I agree that you are, again, too hard on yourself upon reaching a setback. Slowed progress and plateaus can be overcome but beating yourself up as viciously as you do can have a physiological effect, too. Don’t treat yourself worse than you’d expect someone else to treat you.  
 

4 hours ago, RES said:

On 5/10/2020 at 1:12 PM, Teros said:

What I *have* realized though, is that I need way more structure with my time. If I don't meticulously plan everything in my life, I slack off and then I feel like I haven't accomplished anything and depression starts to hit

 I related to this on a personal level

Meticulous planning does wonders for me, too. As long as I build in flex time. Most planning happens in manic times and depressed me just isn’t up for the same level of achievement. BUT. I can be up for something, and doing something will help me get back into the groove and hit overall goals a lot faster. 

[Teros]

 

On 5/10/2020 at 4:52 PM, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

Second off stop being os hard on yourself!

I don't really know how to do that.  I think that I've wasted so much of my life prior to NF and then the years in school; that I have to make up for lost time and do a BILLION things - so many that I feel sort of stuck.

 

On 5/10/2020 at 7:27 PM, Mudd said:

It sounds like there's sort of an implied goal of trying to fix your relationship with your sister and JJ. I'm not sure what the steps are there, other than starting with open and honest (but tactful) communication. Maybe even just explaining to them what you explained to us, letting them know what kind of support you need.

 

Well in regards to that - fight with JJ yesterday which left her crying again.  No matter what I say or do anymore, it makes her feel like I'm not listening to her and I'm overwhelming her when I'm trying to do the opposite of what she claims.  As for my sister: she gets it when I told her I couldn't go to her place because of junk.  Her and I are fine.

 

On 5/10/2020 at 10:58 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

big bag of that NF Support

 

I feel I need it.  I just wish I was able to give the same to people in return.

 

On 5/14/2020 at 4:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Not sure what's your status with lockdown over there, but it can be a major detrimental factor that contributes to that feeling, as well as JJ's sudden shift.

 

Introvert (INTJ).  Job is secure (work at a food market).  I don't think the virus itself is affecting me: rather it is affecting everyone *around* me which is then affecting me, if that makes sense.  As you said with JJ: that might be part of it, but I also think a nerve has been struck a few weeks ago and it hasn't been resolved. 

 

On 5/14/2020 at 4:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

I went DIY mohawk during the lockdown and it was awesome.

 

Pics or it didn't happen, because I also did a mohawk but it was a couple of months ago.

 

On 5/14/2020 at 4:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

I've noticed my challenges work better if I have a pressing deadline to work towards, like a Spartan race or Crossfit competition.

 

I fully agree with this.  I think that the reason my LCSW has stalled so badly for so long.  I mean, I hate studying this boring material but with school, I had a deadline threshold.  I would be anxious and feel like shit, try and give up a few times on a paper until the deadline was looming and then my brain went, "OH IT'S TIME" and then would get like 60% of a paper done in an evening and I would finish it up once the anxiety built up again.  With this exam, there is no deadline so there is no, "OH IT'S TIME" that kicks into gear.  The same with weight loss.  I had deadlines for when I wanted to look or feel better but with literally nothing significant happening, there's no time to buckle down.

 

Part of the debating on scheduling was me realize this so I think you hit the nail on the head with this.  I, in fact, now have a deadline that I'll post in the thread itself.
 

On 5/14/2020 at 4:53 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

I bet if you set up that Bellmyst thing again like you used to run the RPG Fanatics and tie it to your challenge goals, you'll do much better plus you'll have a creative outlet.

 

Yeah I keep being on the fence about it and it's what I'm leaning most towards.

 

On 5/16/2020 at 1:23 AM, Sciread77 said:

this feels like something deeper than it appears. It’s been an undercurrent pretty much the whole time I’ve known you.

 

mmmhmmm

 

On 5/16/2020 at 1:23 AM, Sciread77 said:

Don’t treat yourself worse than you’d expect someone else to treat you.

 

I don't really have a frame of reference for this because I don't talk to many people about, like, goals or anything.

 

++++++++++++

 

Ok so it took me basically the entire first week here to get my shit together and come up with a schedule of some sort but I've done it.

 

I do my workouts when I first wake up and then have breakfast, shower, and get ready for work.  The catch?  The time isn't as important.  If I wake up at 3am, I used to try to force myself to sleep and still wake up at like 5:30 and it was just making a disaster.  Instead, I shut my phone off if I have more than 2 hours left that I can sleep and the effects have helped.  Yes, I didn't get into work until about 10:30 on day but listening to my body meant that the day wasn't fucking horrible.  This seems almost ass-backward: I just loosened up the schedule.  But it's literally for this one thing only.

 

On non-work/workout days, I wake up on time regardless. This is important because if I slept late on those days, I would stay up later that night...which would then fuck with my work-day.  By being more strict on non-work days, I actually balance my sleeping out.

 

For 'off-days', I have plans after I shower to do a block of READING.  Not studying.  Not a specific book.  Just reading.  However I want to split that up is up to me with how I feel.

 

So this is the roadblock that I put in my head.  Follow me on this road:

 

I want to feel satisfaction in life--> I feel better when I am learning/exploring and pushing myself to my highest potential-->I should learn something new and study-->If I'm going to learn/study, then I should do the lcsw exam studying-->I hate the lcsw exam studying-->Does literally nothing-->Doesn't learn something new-->doesn't feel I'm pushing myself-->feels like a failure in life.

 

See the roadblock - that my studying should *only* be the lcsw.  I'm trying to break out of that frame of mind by creating this detour in the road block:

-->Learning/reading something else will make me feel mentally better--> feeling mentally better will put me in a better frame of mind to study-->

Instead of 'must study exam', I instead have 4 days of 'study *anything*'.  You know what this did?  I read almost an entire book in the past couple days and feel better about studying for the exam.  I did 80 pages in one day and it made me feel accomplished and because of that, I feel in a better mood.

 

 

Onto what D_R mentioned about the timeline goals.  I was reading on Thursday and got a call.  It was from my doctor confirming my appointment on Friday.  I had no idea this was happening since I work on Fridays but didn't when I made that appointment months ago.  I asked if it is possible to reschedule and it is:  October 1st.

 

Ok so it's not a Spartan race, but it is a deadline with something specific I want to have done:  I want to lost 35 pounds before my appointment.  This is doable with a little less than 10 pounds a month.

 

Also, I have been thinking of emails that I want to send to people.  Another roadblock for this whole exam was that it leads into deciding my future.  If I don't take the test, I don't make the wrong choice about my future....right?.....RIGHT?  There were a couple of things I was interested in and I realized after a conversation that maybe I should volunteer at these places.  I thought to myself: Am I interested in learning about this regardless of having a job doing this?  The answer is 'yes'.  So then why am I postponing this until I have to have an interview for a job related to it which then creates a fuckton of anxiety?

 

My logic is the same as me going to school to take a random class here or there in the near-future.  When I took my SW classes, there was pressure on them because my future relied on me paying attention.  However, I love learning in general and if I took a random class and fucked it up then there's no real loss.  That means there's no stakes.  That means there's no anxiety.  The same with the job/volunteer idea.  The job has anxiety tied into being good/performing.  What the worst case scenario if I'm not good at volunteering?  I just....stop volunteering.  Worse case scenario if I'm not pushing myself in a random community college class? I lose a couple bucks and stop going to class.

 

I don't have a plan yet of *who* to email or *what* I want to email about regarding this volunteer stuff but this is a start.  In much the same way I am reading to learn for fun, I'm thinking of volunteering to learn for fun/networking.  I've figured a work-around to remove the anxiety from making big changes in my life.  I'll keep posted what route(s) I decide to go and obviously with the virus, things might not take shape until later than I want but it's a start.

 

--

 

This sort of all combines into what I've been struggling with every new years and birthday: Legacy.  I know in the grand scheme of things, I'm not important.  However, I want to make use of my knowledge-base and passion and funnel it into something tangible that I can be proud of.  Like how with writing, I was able to funnel that into RPG Fanatics and be proud of it.  With my schooling and compassion, I want to funnel that into a SW job in counseling.  But there....there's something still missing here and I'm having a hard time putting my finger on it.

 

It's come up a bit in my posts over the years, but I want to write down here that I have Borderline Personality Disorder- something that is really misunderstood, vilified, and swept under the rug.  One of the many criteria for BPD is a shifting and loss of self.  While getting into SW counseling will totally scratch some of the itch of validation that I need; I also have a suspicion that it won't be enough.  Maybe that's another reason this exam date is dragging on as well.  I don't want to pin all my validation (I mean, think of how must people define themselves through their job) on this one thing and then have it not be enough and panic and feel like now I'm stuck with an unsatisfying profession for 30+ years or whatever.  This is all part of a big problem that I have with myself.  I've never felt like I was good enough or that I was ok with being me.  That's where the scheduling and feeling like I need to accomplish something or else I get depressed.  Sitting and binge-watching youtube once in a while might be fine for mental health but if I do that during a whole weekend, I feel like a piece of shit.

 

Another part of BPD is the real/imagined fear of abandonment.  This is why Dr, Abbey, and Gore-Juzz all basically disappearing from my life in the span of two week (as well as the fighting with JJ which might end up meaning we are done) is such a mind-fuck for me.  It creates this emptiness and complete fucking terror inside me that I try to sit with but it emotionally eats away at me.  It's why I feel permanently broken after lyn abandoned me almost a year ago.  You factor in this shit and that makes the lcsw exam even more of a 'wtf are you doing'.  Because I have all this fucking baggage, I don't want to bring it into a therapy session.  I feel like they are the ones that are falling apart: I have to have my shit together 100% in order to give the best care to my future clients.  And since I'm very much not ok right now, it seems unethical to just jump into counseling others when I need to counsel my own stupid ass first.

 

So this is all the stuff that has been bubbling up, honestly for like a solid year.  I spend last summer dealing with my mom's death and the subsequent massive purge/cleaning and as that project started to dwindle down, the above stuff has sort of been creeping in.  I know what's going on with me, kinda.  I just need an answer for all of this.  The emails to people for volunteering is a start, as is shifting my studying focus on reading/learning in general, and having a deadline/goal of October 1st too.

[Sciread77]

20 minutes ago, Teros said:

 

On 5/16/2020 at 12:23 AM, Sciread77 said:

Don’t treat yourself worse than you’d expect someone else to treat you.

 

I don't really have a frame of reference for this because I don't talk to many people about, like, goals or anything.

Think of this. How would you react if you were counseling someone? What I see from here tends to be cycles. 110% on track, then a setback or two causes crippling guilt. I think some of that flexibility I mentioned would help, and that flexibility you built in and listening to you body is a great thing for you. 
 

BPD is a bia. I’m not diagnosed with that but as we’ve discussed I sure feel a lot of those traits/symptoms pretty hard. I will say that thinking “I should be here at this age” and overdoing it trying to catch up those 12 years is going to keep burning you out. I don’t know how exactly, but I think accepting where you are and ignoring those “should” thoughts and working day by day will help you a lot. I think those shoulds are sabotaging the progress you make. 
 

I’m sorry You keep getting hit with relationship issues. I wish I knew how to help. 
 

I’ll end with this: I feel tremendously supported and validated wherever we talk and I appreciate our relationship on here. You’re not just collecting support here. And I’ve seen your other posts too. We value you here and we’re glad to have you. 

[DarK_RaideR]

On 5/18/2020 at 12:06 AM, Teros said:

I feel I need it.  I just wish I was able to give the same to people in return.

*points to Wall of Awesome or whatever you call it*

 

On 5/18/2020 at 12:06 AM, Teros said:

Pics or it didn't happen, because I also did a mohawk but it was a couple of months ago.

Spoiler

 

[Teros]

On 5/17/2020 at 5:33 PM, Sciread77 said:

How would you react if you were counseling someone?

I was asked this recently as well and I'm more forgiving, the less I know the person.  The more I know a person, the less leeway they end up getting.  I think because when I know less about a person, I'm not as harsh since I assume that I don't know what issues and constraints they are under.  Whereas if I knew someone well and knew they did jack shit on Saturdays and they start complaining to me that they can't get something done, I'm more judgemental because I know they have that Saturday free.  That make sense?

 

So, based on that logic; you can see that I'm most critical of myself.

 

I also think this is because the more I know someone/am close with them; the more I want for them to be doing better.  I put more pressure on them (in my head - I usually don't make it known to them) since I want a higher standard in my life.

 

On 5/17/2020 at 5:33 PM, Sciread77 said:

thinking “I should be here at this age” and overdoing it trying to catch up those 12 years is going to keep burning you out

 

I don't know how to not feel that way, though.  I'm very aware that I'm dying.  Not like... I have a month to live.  But that my life is ending one day at a time.  If I don't get EVERYTHING done, then I'll be filled with more regrets than I already am.

 

On 5/17/2020 at 5:33 PM, Sciread77 said:

I’ll end with this: I feel tremendously supported and validated wherever we talk and I appreciate our relationship on here. You’re not just collecting support here. And I’ve seen your other posts too. We value you here and we’re glad to have you. 

 

Thanks - I just wish I had the energy to do more on here.  Honestly, when this was a full-time job posting on here, it made a world of difference.

 

On 5/19/2020 at 7:38 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Wall of Awesome

Wall of Positivity*

 

On 5/19/2020 at 7:38 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

mohawk

 

Ah, nice.  I see your mohawk and raise you my mohawks:

 

https://imgur.com/mOJG3PF

 

https://imgur.com/jVHc4sS

 

(hopefully they load)

 

 

------------

 

My workouts are AMAZING.  I'm feeling so much progress from them.  Although I am having a hard time with the overhead press, squats, step-ups, bent over rows, prone rows, chest press variations are all doing great.  I have added to my plank EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.  I tell myself I can do 1 more second and I have.  I started with an 8-second plank when I started a little over 2 months ago.  I'm up to 41 seconds yesterday.  Around the 30-second mark; I start to swear-mumble but I can keep it going.

 

Ladies - I don't wanna talk about it, but I'll say that besides JJ; everyone is gone and even that doesn't feel ok these days.

 

Eating - On and off.  I did food shopping yesterday and I'll be cooking this morning and stick to things this week.

 

Sleep - Really good.  I think it's because of depression, but I am SO done with the day by 9pm that I'm usually half-asleep by then.  I think I woke up 3 times in the middle of the night this week, which is better than usual.  I start feeling extremely alone and depressed and lack any energy around 5pm or so.  Ladies gave me energy.  Not having anywhere to go or anyone to see fucking sucks.

 

Reading/studying - GREAT.  Fuck, I read an entire book in only 3 sittings.  I'm about 200 pages into another book.  And I did a few more pages of studying.

 

Looking at this, I want to beat myself up; but I'm actually doing really well if I can just stay consistent with food.  It's the 5pm slump.  I'm alone and then I feel shitty so then I start meandering and then I find myself sniping junk food from next door.  It's not as bad as it was during, say, the Easter week. . But it's still there.  A handful of doritos and glass of milk still feels like it sets me back too much.  I'm not eating CANDY at least, which I think is progress.

 

*She* popped up in my head the other day and it put me in such a pissed off mood.  I thought about how her weakness and patheticness has made me weak and pathetic because I still feel this way about her and about relationships.  It's almost been a year since her 2nd abandonment and the ladies bullshit is magnifying it.

[Teros]

Does my challenge even matter anymore? I'm just doing the same failure bullshit.

 

I can't stop being in a bad mood and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to change that.  I was laying down to fall asleep for the past 20 minutes and I can't.  I vent in my head and it does nothing.  Abbey is gone.  Dr is gone.  Things with JJ are still on thin ice and at this point, I might be the one who ends things.  All I basically do these days is read when I'm not at work.  I'm roughly 300 pages into my second book.  I saw a livestream earlier that is showing all the riots.  No one seems to remember the 99% riots from years ago and it feels like the same thing is boiling up.  Maybe I'm projecting, but I feel like everyone is angry and frustrated and doesn't know how to direct it.  Are there shitty cops? Yes.  Are there shitty rioters? Yes.  I just don't think that hating each other fixes anything.  Directing the 99% to battle with the 99% just keeps the status quo.  There's rampant 'fake news' and 'spin' on stories.  It's like there's no trust-worthy sources anymore.  It's like people have devolved into shouting neanderthals.  Every time I go on facebook, it's someone posting about wearing a mask and how that's not right; and then someone who is posting about wearing a mask and saying it is right.  And both people endlessly arguing about it.  Virus is still going, things are starting to open, there's murder hornets and these riots.

 

I feel disgusted. Like...about being a human.  I don't want to be here anymore.  And I don't mean this city, state, country.  I mean the world.  I want off of this fucking stupid ride called earth.  I feel ashamed that people are able to be corralled so easily into these pens, how we use more hate towards each other.  No one is changing another person's mind these days.  There's this digging in: where people defend their opinion and stuff themselves into their little trenches of ideas and keep hurling bullshit at each other.  We've created an information no man's land in this trench warfare of the minds.  And I'm here in the middle of it, hearing bits and pieces of news and I'm almost glad I have a mask on because I can't hide the groaning 'ugh' faces that I make anymore when I hear people talking in public about, like, literally ANYTHING.

 

The only things that I want in my immediate future are to lose weight, study, pass the exam, and start making money at a profession that I care about.  And I can't even seem to do this correctly.  It shouldn't be hard.  It SHOULDN'T be hard.  I wish I was given a breakdown of what to eat and when.  If I have to eat chicken and broccoli every lunch, 2 eggs for breakfast, an orange for a snack, and fish for dinner then FINE.  For fuck's sake, FINE, I'll do it forever.  Everything tastes like cardboard these days.  It doesn't matter if it's 'healthy' or 'junk'.  It doesn't matter if it's 'good' or 'bad'.  Fritos suck.  Burgers suck.  Cauliflower sucks.  Meatballs suck.  Sauce sucks.  Onions suck.  Sausage sucks.  Peanut butter sucks.  Chocolate sucks. I have no interest in eating anything ever.  Food in all its forms has become as groan-inducing as these mask arguments.  Oh I heard the virus will die off when it's warm out.  I heard that it will be around forever like aids.  I heard that masks do nothing.  I heard that masks prevent the spread.  I heard that it was a government coverup from China.  Endless.  Fucking ENDLESS.

 

I have a date deadline: October 1st is my doctor appointment.  I want to lose 30 pounds by then.  That's June/July/August/September.  That's totally doable if I knew wtf to do.  Half the time, I can't even buy what the fuck I need at the supermarket because there is a shortage on everything in existence.  I WORK at a market and I can't snag the stuff that I need.  And when I do get food, I have the above-mentioned UGH when I even think of food.  I'm in such a goddamn funk right now and feel really alone.  I text a dozen people and maybe one person replies within a couple of hours.  In the meantime, I feel depression sinking in.  This is the reason I was juggling dating around: when I'm alone with my thoughts it just becomes dark and negative.  I have periods of an hour here or there when I feel empowered and think 'I got this' and it fades away.  I often think about running away but at this point, the whole world is on fire so where the fuck would I even run to?  I often think about taking a steak knife to my stomach and carving all the garbage off my body.  I start to feel myself internally panic and then it calms down.  I try really hard to understand other people and when trans people say they feel trapped in the wrong body, it resonates with me.  That's what happens to me: I feel like a caged animal that is losing it's mind and has to break free but there's no way to do it.

 

 

I need to talk myself out of this.  I need to talk myself off a ledge here because fucking no one else is going to.  C'mon think. THINK.  My eyes are burning.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

How would you talk someone else off a ledge? You start listening and you empathize and you validate their feelings. Let the Teros part of you care for the other part.

[Mudd]

There is definitely part of me that feels like if the state of the world isn't driving you crazy right now, you're already crazy.

I get the isolation bit. I moved to a new state last summer. I've been in a fight with the only person I know here for about 2 months, and about a week and a half ago, I decided it's better to just not hang out with her than constantly be fighting. Except I work from home, and I've been getting groceries delivered, so I literally don't see anyone in-person anymore, except the few strangers I pass when I go for a run. It's the only reason I ever have to leave the apartment.

People just seem worse online. Like, almost everyone I like better talking to in-person than I do reading Facebook comments. This is a thousand times more true for strangers. I think part of the struggle with COVID-19 is that not only does the world seem crazy right now, but we're seeing more of it through a lense that makes people seem worse. I really, really, really miss just meeting new people, even if it's someone that I'll never see again.

I wish I had a more positive message to share, but I think I can at least say, I feel like I get where you're coming from. And I guess I do think things will get better again, if slowly. If you ever need it, know that there's a National Suicide Prevention Lifeline that can help. Their number is 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Or maybe look into getting some kind of professional counseling, if you think it might help?

Also, re: knowing what to do to lose weight, I think the biggest thing is just eating at a caloric deficit (maybe you already know this...). You can use a BMR calculator like THIS ONE to figure out how many calories you would eat to maintain your current weight. This probably isn't exactly super scientifically accurate, but they say the rough rule of thumb is to eat 500 calories under to lose a pound a week and 1000 under for 2 pounds a week (and probably don't do more than 1000 calories under?). I'm not sure what NerdFitness's official stance is, but that's the recommendation I've been seeing repeatedly. So 30 pounds in 4 months is doable but pretty hardcore.

I hope things start to turn around. I'm rooting for you.

[Sciread77]

I think there’s a reason that you were thriving when you were on NF all the time. We’re social animals. You’ve been isolated for years, and it has stayed pretty consistent minus some times here or there. Those ruminations and obsessive thoughts naturally get worse in isolation. 
 

I’m not suggesting running out and being with just anyone to be with someone. But you, as a human, need at least one person and preferably numerous people to connect with on a regular and ongoing basis. Even those of us who are pretty strongly introverted need that. I think it’s why you look back often on when you were on NF so much and people rallied together in a community with you. 
 

This is a stressful setting to live in, especially considering the context of the rest of our lives in this country. Further, I know you’ve had a lot of awful IRL relationships and traumatic experiences. If you didn’t feel like you were losing your mind in all of it I’d think your mind was already gone. Plus, you want to talk about things other than “the world is on fire, how ‘bout that rain earlier?” And you’ve very clearly not been getting much if any of that either. 
 

30 lbs in 4 months seems like a reasonable to me. You already know it won’t be easy. That said, I also think you need a plan for what to do if things get off track at any time in the next nearly 4 months. That all or nothing thing will get you if you’re not careful, and tbh a lesser number would be a victory for you health too. I think it would be prudent to adjust your goals if you get off based on a reasonable calorie deficit rather than trying to catch up more than just a few lbs. That might keep you more in the present and allow you to focus on the daily or weekly goal rather than getting stuck beating yourself up and starving yourself. 
 

I think that the stress and rumination could be sabotaging a lot of your weight and training efforts. I only say that because I think they’ve generally sabotaged a lot of mine in the past and I was reading more in detail about the effects of cortisol over the last few days. So while yes, calories in and calories out are ultimately what determine loss and gain, cortisol and stress reduce muscle construction keeps your blood sugar high, and encouraging body to store any excess energy as fat. I noticed because during the last few months my work stress has been at the highest ever with more work than is possible to do, even if we all worked 24-7. I gained only a few pounds but I added 4 inches to my waist during that time.  I sense an almost-constant stress coming from you. You’re aware enough to know that, and you’re determined enough to fight through it.  But I think it’s important to acknowledge that as well. 

As always, I’m over here cheering for you. May the Force be with you. You CAN do it!