Darkfoxx 66: Now With 10% More Freedoms

[darkfoxx]

As I write this - during Week 5 (barely) - the place I live is getting ready to relax some of its quarantine protocols. The government seems to be confident we are now out of peak (barely? Ish?), and that with the onslaught of Summer and the time when Western expats leave en masse to spend those months in more agreeable climes, things are relaxing a bit. 

 

• We still have to wear masks outside when not exercising and to enter shops. 
• Temperature checks at the door are still de rigeur, as is checking the tracker app everyone has to have on their phone - if you don’t have it or it’s not clear, no entry is supposed to be allowed to any shopping spaces. I don’t believe they are still doing police stops to check and see if the app has been downloaded, but I don’t actually know since I’ve been in a car twice since this all started.
• Kids and people over 60 are not allowed in any shopping spaces (as far as I’ve seen). 
• Families of over 2 can now drive in the car together - some beaches and parks are opening (though it’s like 114F; who tf wants to go to the park?). 
• The malls are partially opening - larger stores at 30% capacity, though how they will police that it’s hard to say. 
• Restaurants and cafes are now allowed to offer curbside takeout (not just delivery).
• Restaurants will start the first openings July 1, with strict capacity rules and without the multitude of buffets that are so popular here. 
• Pools are opening, but I think they are not supposed to be - at least not in my neighborhood. 
• Still no real gatherings (that’s phase 2 for gatherings of under 10 I think and July - probably to coincide with the restaurant openings). 
• Gyms open in August and are already starting to inform Zoom clients of plans. 
• Watercraft are allowed from this week, just not personal watercraft (yachts: yes, SUP: no) - not sure what that will do to neighborhood traffic at the marina. 

 

This all means little for my bubble - I’m continuing to stay home, but will go with DH to IKEA this next weekend to grab some house supplies (some way to block off the lower quarter of the balcony so the pups can’t see the pool, a rug to keep bitchy downstairs neighbor appeased, a comfy place to sit on the patio despite the heat, maybe a nice nonstick large pan because I still frickin hate metal bottom pans, and maybe a Dutch oven for a different type of crusty bread. 

 

I’ll not be rushing out to dine, though we may try and schedule a date night out. I’ll not be meeting up with friends just yet - but may once the 10-person limit is enacted. Not sure what this means for my Tuesday coffee group; my Wednesday group is pretty much dead as 2 more are moving out of the country the second they get clearance COVID tests, 1 still isn’t back from her quarantine abroad, and 2 usually leave for the Summer - leaving me and 1 other person. So, effectively dead - and that means wine group is, too. Which is kinda fine? 

 

I’m also not rushing out to hit the mall alone - I’m enjoying my no Uber/no spend time. 

 

When gyms open, which is either phase 2 or probably 3, I’ll be heading back to in-person yoga. 

 

I may also go on a supply run to a craft supply store. Maybe. I’ll probably just finally break down and order stuff on Amazon, 2-3 week lead time be damned. 

 

Goals

 

1. Nutrition as always. This challenge cycle finds me utterly tired of the amount of garbage I’ve let creep into my diet in an effort to be gentle to DH and his food ish.  I’m sick of the salt, the junk, and the lack of actual nutrition. That stops. No more chip binges, no more fries as the default on weekend meals, no more big pizzas, no more batches and batches of noodles. No more 2 takeout meals in a day. I think I’ve been “fun” and indulgent enough over these last 3 months. Back to mean wife.

 

         I’m not to the point I’m ready to track macros, but I do need to bump up my ‘don’t eat like an asshole’ directive. More effort to eat proper veggies, even though I’m currently scared of them. I’ve not been doing terrible on quantity, but more work is needed here. More cognizance of limiting garbage, even on the weekends. Especially on the weekends.

 

2. Yoga as always. Continuing on with my Monday Zoom class; trying to get off my ass for more actual yoga and less coloring or ACNH meditation. Not assigning judgement here quite yet, because my brain is a stubborn child, but it’s coming. 
3. Feeding my creativity - I’d like to pick a non-coloring non-ACNH craft and work toward getting the supplies and starting that this challenge. ACNH is a great creative outlet and it has given my hands a chance to (mostly) rest, but I miss hand sewing, be it seam finishing or needlework. 

 

And that’s about it. Another super simple challenge full of shit I’m already doing, but that’s what I have the bandwidth for at the moment. I feel like I’d just entered a space where I could submit to pushing myself before all this happened - and now my energy (and giving a fucks) level is back to square one. 

 

And that’s okay. For now. I just don’t want it to stretch another 3 winters. 4, really, if we’re being honest. 

 

[Scaly Freak]

2 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

And that’s about it. Another super simple challenge full of shit I’m already doing, but that’s what I have the bandwidth for at the moment. I feel like I’d just entered a space where I could submit to pushing myself before all this happened - and now my energy (and giving a fucks) level is back to square one. 

 

As implied in my venting in your previous challenge thread, I am in a very similar situation to this when it comes to bandwidth. I am still trying to figure out what my next challenge will be about, but it will probably not be very ambitious.

[darkfoxx]

22 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

As implied in my venting in your previous challenge thread, I am in a very similar situation to this when it comes to bandwidth. I am still trying to figure out what my next challenge will be about, but it will probably not be very ambitious.

No shame in the simple challenge game! 

[darkfoxx]

Week: 0, Monday

Quarantine Status: One shade off full lockdown: Phase 1 of reopening has commenced, but means little for my day-to-day

 

Nutrition

 

Breakfast:  Grilled seasoned rice ball thing I got from the grocery frozen and can reheat. They’re simple but delicious 

Lunch:  Ok, so you know how I said I was tired of eating junk food? Well ... I planned my lunches poorly for this week and it looks like I’ll be ripping through the ramen stash. Which at least gets it out of the house. Today was Korean udon with half a can of my chili tuna love

Dinner:  This week’s Beyond Burger was basted in a combo of mayo, Worcestershire and Lowry’s while cooking and featured tomato, honey mustard and a me-made bun which DH loved and cut my mouth to shreds. Threw in a potato that had been thinly sliced and whacked with some olive oil spritzers and Lowry’s as a half-assed chippy side 

Snacks:  

 

Did I eat like an asshole? Ish

Did anything try to kill me? No

Did I eat a vegetable? How much? No, unless you count potatoes and I’m not counting those as vegetables 

Did I drink enough water? I think so 

 

Support and Connection

 

Did I support my Herd? Yes

Did I interact with “IRL” humans? No 

 

Feed My Sense Of Well-being

 

What did I learn today? Sewing and ACNH things

What was my project for the day? Same project it’s been - ACNH & coloring 

 

Activity

 

What did my yoga practice look like today? Today’s Zoom class went really well - I got a stable af tripod despite Odin trying to root in my belly button for gold - next step is to raise my legs; this week I couldn’t quite fathom how to lift them from a wide-legged stance. Next week if we work on the same again, I’ll try from “normal” legs and see if that gets me anywhere good. I did get my knees on my elbows, so that’s something. And I was suuuuuuper stable. I just have to remember in my body how that movement works. 

Was I able to go on a walk this week? Not yet 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Following along. I don't think being in the Sandpit is good for your mental health.

[Scaly Freak]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following along. I don't think being in the Sandpit is good for your mental health.

 

Every time you make a reference to the Sandpit, I have mental images of a sarlacc.😀

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

5 hours ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

Every time you make a reference to the Sandpit, I have mental images of a sarlacc.😀

It's something I picked up from @Big_Show, who lived there before. It's what he called it.

[darkfoxx]

14 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It's something I picked up from @Big_Show, who lived there before. It's what he called it.

It’s a common slang for this area of the world used by the military and ex-military community as well. I remember an uncle calling Iraq the sandpit back in the first gulf war and being confused. 

 

21 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Following along. I don't think being in the Sandpit is good for your mental health.

And it’s maybe not the easiest place to exist re: mental health, but we take our issues with us wherever we go.

 

While it’s true I deal with different things here than I did while back “home” (or at least on native soil - “home” is weird thing to me, and a whoooooooooooole other deal) and some of my coping mechanisms have had to change, my internal landscape on a whole is no worse off - just different.

 

Instead of the existential dread and multitude of issues my job and then schooling and subsequent attempted industry switch brought, now I have consciously working against my grain toward being extroverted vs existing in a place that may not be as seemingly stable (tbh I was convinced I was getting fired on the damn weekly with my old boss - who, to be fair, was hella abusive and was supposed to fire me that one time in 10 years I dated ask for a raise), the existential dread that is housewifery and wasted potential, and the general BS my brain throws at me because it’s an asshole. 

 

I’m generally fine - bored in different ways than i was while in the States, but I don’t feel that I”m heading for a big depressive episode - just low-level background depression, which I always have. 

 

Hopefully things will perk back up when DH and I can travel again and when yoga studios open back up. I now have 2 to choose from within a 7-minute Uber ride - one of my favorite instructors from the studio i go to has branched out to a new one that was set to open Quarantine Week like 3. She’s who I’ve been having Zoom classes with. 

 

I’ll let y’all know if I’m heading for a huge downturn - you’ll probably be able to spot it a mile off, since you’ve been at least fairly aware of my mood shifts these last 3 Sandpit winters. Which I thank you for. You already know how high a regard I hold you and how much I value our friendship, but it bears repeating. 🤗

[darkfoxx]

Week: 0, Tuesday

Quarantine Status: One shade off full lockdown: Phase 1 of reopening has commenced, but means little for my day-to-day

 

Nutrition

 

Breakfast:  Me-made bread which was half a fail because I treated it badly + butter & jam 

Lunch:  Another pot noodle - this one with zero additions because I couldn’t be bothered 

Dinner:  I found an almost flank steak! Marinated that and served with a burst tomato/broiled peach/cucumber salad, vegan dilled yogurt sauce (my neighborhood grocery finally started selling a variety of vegan yogurts!), hummus and pea shoots 

Snacks:  Skipped, though not for lack of hunting - twice - I forgot to buy myself snacks this week

 

Did I eat like an asshole? Ish

Did anything try to kill me? Nope

Did I eat a vegetable? How much? I did! I’d say about 3/4 of a cup - tomato, cucumber, baby greens 

Did I drink enough water? I think so? I don’t remember being thirsty to death when I went to bed 

 

Support and Connection

 

Did I support my Herd? Yes 

Did I interact with “IRL” humans? Yes - went back to coffee group and there was much less whining this week. Talking about the issues, but I think all three of our mental states were better this week. 

 

Feed My Sense Of Well-being

 

What did I learn today? I don’t think anything of consequence 

What was my project for the day? The usual, though I’ve started pinning sewing, needlework and yarn work projects in earnest. I should pull the trigger on my quilt supplies order on Amazon - I am a damn cheapskate and hate buying anything over like $50 and this is double that - but DH has already seen it and the total, and has given me the ‘seriously? You’re asking permission to buy craft supplies?’ Look once. I just want to make *sure* it’s going to work. And that I want to do it. Because I have issues. 

 

Activity

 

What did my yoga practice look like today? Same 

Was I able to go on a walk this week? Nope, not till the weekend. Hopefully then? 

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

You are worth looking out for.

[darkfoxx]

Week: 0, Wednesday

Quarantine Status: One shade off full lockdown: Phase 1 of reopening has commenced, but means little for my day-to-day

 

Nutrition

 

Breakfast:  The last chunk of my homemade bread with just jam

Lunch:  Leftover hummus, steak and peachy tomato salad 

Dinner:  Vegan Tuscan chicken pasta which was amaze 

Snacks:  None but the whiskey diet I had during game night 

 

Did I eat like an asshole? Nope

Did anything try to kill me? Nope, though I do remember a random stomach spike for some unknown reason 

Did I eat a vegetable? How much? Yes! Tomato, cucumber and spinach. I’m saying 1/2 a cup at lunch and 1/3 of a cup at dinner 

Did I drink enough water? I think so 

 

Support and Connection

 

Did I support my Herd? Yep

Did I interact with “IRL” humans? I did! RPG game night with that crew 

 

Feed My Sense Of Well-being

 

What did I learn today? Game things 

What was my project for the day? Same same 

 

Activity

 

What did my yoga practice look like today? Same same 

Was I able to go on a walk this week? Not yet 

 

And speaking of exploitative bosses ..... guess whose ass emailed me yesterday? 

 

Of course I saw the email at 6am while laying in bed with a hella leg cramp - and I’m still all spun up. Haven’t opened it yet, but I will - and I’m not sure what to do about it.

 

It would be nice to do some work.

The pay would be beside the point.

She’s exploitative and can be abusive.

She’s also a grumpy bitch and knows it.

Despite her devaluing my work for the past 14 years we’ve known each other, she keeps chasing me to work with her and always says the right thing to hook my dumb ass back in.

She’s the devil I know and I will hang up on her in a second.

She’s also why I cringe every time the phone rings. 

While I love seeing shit bite her in the ass because of bad behavior (which it does rarely), it’s a constant learning source realizing that it’s not my job to enact those consequences. 

And when I try to do so, it just rolls off the back. 

 

I’ll have to balance feeling productive with how it would feel in my heart working with - and enabling - her again. 

 

I am proud of myself for turning her down at least 3 times over the past 4.5 years for work - even when she was in dire straights. Which is shitty to say and something I would never do to anyone in general, but this is the employer that has woken me up at 3am to do research on a crackpot scheme - while she was on vacation. And supposed to be sleeping. And not thinking about work. Hopefully the woman has learned boundaries in her old age. And this would have to be a new company; she sold the old one and doesn’t work with the buying company any more. I’m curious to see what her new company is going to be. 

 

I’ll wait until the flop sweats die down before reading the email. 

 

 

 

 

 

[darkfoxx]

14 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You are worth looking out for.

Also 😍 Thanks 

[darkfoxx]

A quick note before I forget: 

 

Just had breakfast - a sour Thai mango + soy yogurt - and the mango didn’t kill the roof of my mouth. Aches a bit and the acid aggravated the little sore spot on my gums a bit, but no where near the ache as the time before last. 

 

Maybe fat is the key? Hummus seemed to block the mango from fully mushing onto my hard pallet, and maybe soy yogurt fulfilled the same? Dunno. 

 

Or maybe whatever is wrong with me in this aspect is exactly like every other damn food sensitivity I have - intermittent and unpredictable. Yay being slightly broken in no way that actually matters. 

 

 

[miss_marissa]

Hard to figure out the problem when there is no pattern

 

Hope it goes alright with the old boss and you find the courage to do whatever you need to do.

[Scaly Freak]

7 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

I’ll have to balance feeling productive with how it would feel in my heart working with - and enabling - her again. 

 

 

I have complete confidence in your ability to figure this out.

[darkfoxx]

31 minutes ago, miss_marissa said:

Hard to figure out the problem when there is no pattern

 

Hope it goes alright with the old boss and you find the courage to do whatever you need to do.

 

12 minutes ago, Scalyfreak said:

 

I have complete confidence in your ability to figure this out.

Thx. I’m still undecided. DH came home and opened the email - and it’s exactly what I thought it was. She did, however, ask my current rate - so there’s that. She did last time too, and I came down to slightly more than what she had been paying me to get the job - but as DH pointed out, we are not in a situation where i need her employment, owe her anything, or should be letting this make me a neurotic mess. 

 

He thinks if I consider doing it, I should take the evening to decide before writing back, and then charge what I would tell a new client. Which is much more than she was (under) paying. So we shall see what happens. I feel better doing some ballpark current research and seeing that my hourly ask isn’t far off of the general average salary for a senior copywriter (which is a hella hard job category in and of itself to pin down salary-wise since that word can mean so much. Channel the confidence of a mediocre white guy. Be Chad. 

[Scaly Freak]

42 minutes ago, darkfoxx said:

He thinks if I consider doing it, I should take the evening to decide before writing back, and then charge what I would tell a new client. 

 

I agree with him. If you don't actually need to work for this person, then you should most definitely be well compensated for subjecting yourself to her toxic ways.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

10 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

He thinks if I consider doing it, I should take the evening to decide before writing back, and then charge what I would tell a new client. Which is much more than she was (under) paying. So we shall see what happens. I feel better doing some ballpark current research and seeing that my hourly ask isn’t far off of the general average salary for a senior copywriter (which is a hella hard job category in and of itself to pin down salary-wise since that word can mean so much. Channel the confidence of a mediocre white guy. Be Chad. 

Remember, she is paying you not just to write copy, but to put up with her BS. There is no way in hell she's changed her patterns.

18 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

 

I am proud of myself for turning her down at least 3 times over the past 4.5 years for work - even when she was in dire straights. Which is shitty to say and something I would never do to anyone in general,

It is most certainly not Shitty. It is setting a boundary. It's also totally ok not to rescue someone from a "crisis" of their own making that does not involve life and limb. I want you to do something for me. Please repeat this three times:

 

Poor on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

[darkfoxx]

6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Remember, she is paying you not just to write copy, but to put up with her BS. There is no way in hell she's changed her patterns.

It is most certainly not Shitty. It is setting a boundary. It's also totally ok not to rescue someone from a "crisis" of their own making that does not involve life and limb. I want you to do something for me. Please repeat this three times:

 

Poor on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

My mantra has generally been with her, and something I’ve actually literally screamed at her: shit poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine. As I wrote copy for the catalog with a proverbial gun to my head and the dude literally holding the printing process. 

 

As we can clearly see, I’m a sucker. Sucks being the one with integrity and a work ethic when you’re not the boss and said boss willfully acts to undermine both of those things. 

 

Those of you that were around for the Great Attempted Industry Switch Meltdown Year have probably heard all this before - but that’s just the tip of the damn iceberg in the reasonings I’m giving myself the space and grace to have blown up any semblance of a career I had. My mother is rolling over in her jar at my housewifery and the lack of stability that provides and what a snowflake I am - but damn. I have reasons. 

 

I haven’t answered her email yet, but will - and the rate I’d give a new client, minus hour minimums and deposits since I *did* work for her ass for just about a decade. I’m sure there is no way in hell her cheap ass is going to pay right at double what she used to - and I will not argue when she comes back and tells me I’m insane. I’ll just wish her well. 

 

quit overthinking things you damn ninny - it’s not worth 2 days of anxiety - just email crazy ass back and get if over with. If you need employment in some undetermined time down the road, either call her back again - or actually force yourself to face more rejection and move the F on. Like you should have years ago., 

 

 

[darkfoxx]

Week: 0, Thursday

Quarantine Status: One shade off full lockdown: Phase 1 of reopening has commenced, but means little for my day-to-day

 

Nutrition

 

Breakfast:  Thai mango and soy yogurt 

Lunch:  Leftover fake chicken Tuscan chicken 

Dinner:  Skipped because I wasn’t hungry, had all the farts, and was too anxious and annoyed at DH’s yelling at CoD to care about food - colored and listened to true crime instead

Snacks:  Some 11th hour dehydrated shiitake mushroom crisp things I’d bought a few weeks ago and forgotten about - they were awesome 

 

Did I eat like an asshole? Kinda 

Did anything try to kill me? Yes, though I don’t know what. The mango was actually fine. My issues started after lunch.

Did I eat a vegetable? How much? A bit - spinach and tomato in the pasta; maybe 1/4 of a cup

Did I drink enough water? Not especially. Shotgunned 1.5 500ml bottles of diluted lemon tea Crystal Light in the hour or so before bed because I was Sahara Desert thirsty. Didn’t help. Got up at 6 this morning (Friday) because I was so thirsty my throat was clicking 

 

Support and Connection

 

Did I support my Herd? Yep

Did I interact with “IRL” humans? Nope. Tried reaching out with my ninny conundrum to one of my besties; didn’t hear back 

 

Feed My Sense Of Well-being

 

What did I learn today? As balanced as I’d like to pretend to myself I am, I have not grown past my workplace dramas

What was my project for the day? Same as usual - did I tell y’all that i pulled the trigger on new quilt material? Hopefully that’ll be here in the next couple weeks - and hopefully the fabric won’t get lost in the mail again. I also wanted to order some stuff to make a crochet kimono top, but restrained myself - mostly because I don’t know if i even *like* crochet; it confuses me more than knitting. And I know knitting kills my hands. Also: I have a knitting project that i could 100% be doing. Actually ..... I *could* possibly unravel it (for like the third time) and start a kimono instead of a wrap .... hmmmmmmm ..... 

 

Activity

 

What did my yoga practice look like today? Hellz to the no. Colored for like 2 hours though. 

Was I able to go on a walk this week? Not yet. The plan for Sunday is to hit at least ACE Hardware and take a stroll around the mall corridors. IKEA if it’s not a madhouse. STARBUCKS at either rate - though how we’ll drink it, I dunno. I suppose I’ll have to get iced coffee too, so we can drink and walk - are we allowed to drink and walk if we have to wear masks indoors? Maybe we’ll have to wait until we get into the car? I at least want to buy coffee beans. I’ve been living off of instant coffee for 3 months. Which isn’t actually terrible, but I miss having the ability to make strong-ass coffee. 

 

[darkfoxx]

Ok. 20 SOC. Emailed back, wasn’t overly friendly, imbued enough reading-between-the-lines material so she knows: a: I’m not hurting, and b: I’m not chasing this job. 

 

Knowing how her mind works, she’ll be dissecting every syllable and she’ll either come to the conclusion that I’m delusional or am doing just fine. Probably the former, knowing her. And either way is equally fine - we are not actually friends. While I do genuinely care about her wellbeing, family and business - she’s devalued my work for a decade and shown herself to not actually be a good friend to other coworkers she professes to love like family. Just because I’ve allowed myself to come back for more based on the scraps of genuine actual human-ness we’ve shared (and not just blank-wall boss-ness), absolutely does not entitle her to a Grade Fucking A employee for pennies - at least not again. For a third ?4th? Time.  

 

keep reminding yourself of this, dumbass . Just because you’re genuine, doesn’t mean everyone else is - or has the capability of being so - and that’s okay. Million paths to Nirvana and all that shit. 

 

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

It's hard to stand up to someone who devalues you when your own words you use in a self pep talk devalue you as well. Calling yourself dumbass reinforces the negative messages toxic people use to keep you in line and enable their crazy. It actually makes it easier for them to hook you back in. You'll be better at not letting others devalue you when you fully value yourself. 

 

Additionally, you are my friend, and I don't like it when people insult my friends. Please do not talk about my good friend Darkfoxx like that. 

[miss_marissa]

5 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Ok. 20 SOC. Emailed back, wasn’t overly friendly, imbued enough reading-between-the-lines material so she knows: a: I’m not hurting, and b: I’m not chasing this job. 

 

Knowing how her mind works, she’ll be dissecting every syllable and she’ll either come to the conclusion that I’m delusional or am doing just fine. Probably the former, knowing her. And either way is equally fine - we are not actually friends. While I do genuinely care about her wellbeing, family and business - she’s devalued my work for a decade and shown herself to not actually be a good friend to other coworkers she professes to love like family. Just because I’ve allowed myself to come back for more based on the scraps of genuine actual human-ness we’ve shared (and not just blank-wall boss-ness), absolutely does not entitle her to a Grade Fucking A employee for pennies - at least not again. For a third ?4th? Time.  

 

keep reminding yourself of this, dumbass . Just because you’re genuine, doesn’t mean everyone else is - or has the capability of being so - and that’s okay. Million paths to Nirvana and all that shit. 

 

You did it! And you stood up for yourself! Don't back down.  

 

30 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It's hard to stand up to someone who devalues you when your own words you use in a self pep talk devalue you as well. Calling yourself dumbass reinforces the negative messages toxic people use to keep you in line and enable their crazy. It actually makes it easier for them to hook you back in. You'll be better at not letting others devalue you when you fully value yourself. 

 

Additionally, you are my friend, and I don't like it when people insult my friends. Please do not talk about my good friend Darkfoxx like that. 

^what he said!

[Scaly Freak]

8 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Ok. 20 SOC. Emailed back, wasn’t overly friendly, imbued enough reading-between-the-lines material so she knows: a: I’m not hurting, and b: I’m not chasing this job. 

 

Excellent. Let her know she needs to convince you to do this.

 

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It's hard to stand up to someone who devalues you when your own words you use in a self pep talk devalue you as well. Calling yourself dumbass reinforces the negative messages toxic people use to keep you in line and enable their crazy. It actually makes it easier for them to hook you back in. You'll be better at not letting others devalue you when you fully value yourself. 

 

And this. Every negative word you say to yourself tells your subconscious mind that you agree with the toxic person's opinion about you, and that you're not allowed to disagree with the toxicity, or to say no to the toxic person's demands. Life will be easier if you stop telling yourself that. Also, while I don't know you as well as Tank does, I do know for a fact that you are not a dumbass. If you are going to insult yourself, at least try to aim for some accuracy.

 

(No, you should not actually insult yourself. The world is filled with far too many people eager to do that already, there's no need for you to add to the pile.)

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Hey, you ok?