Snarkyfishguts: Good Enough

[Snarkyfishguts]

21 hours ago, deftona said:

 

YAAAAAAY! You're so awesome! 

Yaaay! Thank you! I am wearing one of my outfits today! Woot woot!

[Snarkyfishguts]

An update on yesterday:

 

I did 30 minutes on RingFit Adventure yesterday and earned my dollar. It was a lot of fun. I realized there was a lot of content I missed, so I just went back to past worlds to complete different levels. So the levels were a little easier, and there was a lot more jogging in place which was perfect. 

 

But you know what this means? we've entered DOUBLE DOLLAR DAYS! WOOOOO!!! It's been a while so this is definitely a dance-worthy event.

 

My 9 year old nephew is staying with us, and he is both wonderful and exhausting. I'm going to log off and hang out with him.  I'll write more later! Have a great Friday everyone!

 

 

[deftona]

31 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

 

Wait, the dance parties used to mean someone had fallen off the wagon? But I like this change of meaning, and I am always happy to have a dance party. 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

4 hours ago, deftona said:

 

Wait, the dance parties used to mean someone had fallen off the wagon? But I like this change of meaning, and I am always happy to have a dance party. 

 

They DID mean that, but I’m with you. Let’s dance!

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

I earned my dollar today doing Fitness boxing with my nephew. It was a lot of fun, and he was tired at the end of it, so we played Mario Kart for a bit.  

 

He wanted to earn 20 dollars to buy a Fortnite skin bundle, and I mean...y'all. Everytime he said it, I kept thinking he said "Foreskin Bundle" and he said it ALL DAY, so just pray that I don't ask him about his foreskins like a horrifying old lady who can't get her words right. I almost said it three times today, and I finally just started saying "skins" because that was safe. 😂

 

Well, my mom decided he could do chores around the house if he really wanted, and we'd pay him a dollar per chore. The only catch was that he couldn't earn money for cleaning up his own messes. So he made his bed, picked up his toys, and didn't earn a dollar. But he did empty the dishwasher, help with laundry, carry full and heavy donation boxes downstairs, organize my knitting patterns, helped my dad label stuff using vision impaired stickers, and prepare for breakfast and dinner. Oh and he organized the canned goods by type. So overall, he earned 15 dollars today. We did a victory dance afterwards. It was so funny, we really had to tell him "Dude go have some fun, you've done enough work right now. It's good to have balance. Let's play a game"   but what was really cool was seeing how damn proud he was of himself for accomplishing all this and earning that money. I'm really proud of him. 

 

But omg, parents of Nerdfitness, What the hell is up with the passage of time with kids? We did like three days worth of stuff and it was like 10am. He's 9yo and can still slow time. But like, I feel like I age twice as fast, and time is twice as slow. I'm pretty sure I'm 97 now.  Mad respect to parents. We had an awesome day, and I'm still like "I NEED A BEER AND A LONG NAP"  (I had two beers after he went home)

 

No fasting today. I probably would've except we were in Kid Time so it was already Next week by the time 10am rolled around. Tomorrow I'm taking a rest day. And then I think when this challenge is over, I'm going back to Monday-Sunday weeks instead of Sunday-Saturday because I gotta tell you, it throws me off my concept of time a little bit. 

 

 

 

 

[Sylvaa]

10 minutes ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

But omg, parents of Nerdfitness, What the hell is up with the passage of time with kids? We did like three days worth of stuff and it was like 10am. He's 9yo and can still slow time. But like, I feel like I age twice as fast, and time is twice as slow. I'm pretty sure I'm 97 now.  Mad respect to parents. We had an awesome day, and I'm still like "I NEED A BEER AND A LONG NAP"  (I had two beers after he went home)

 

So the thing about it is that you were probably trying to be on all day. Which is much, much harder (and why children are ridiculously harder when they are young!). 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

13 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

So the thing about it is that you were probably trying to be on all day. Which is much, much harder (and why children are ridiculously harder when they are young!). 

Exactly. I don't normally like Everybody Loves Raymond, but there was an episode where Ray was beating himself up cause his kids liked their Uncle Robert Better. Robert took him aside and basically told him that Ray has to be on all the time, Robert can save it all up, spend an hour with the kids and go home.

[Snarkyfishguts]

10 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

So the thing about it is that you were probably trying to be on all day. Which is much, much harder (and why children are ridiculously harder when they are young!). 

Yes! And yes. This morning I am sitting on my butt and just  zoning out over coffee and nerd fitness 😂💙

10 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Exactly. I don't normally like Everybody Loves Raymond, but there was an episode where Ray was beating himself up cause his kids liked their Uncle Robert Better. Robert took him aside and basically told him that Ray has to be on all the time, Robert can save it all up, spend an hour with the kids and go home.

This is true. On the visits where he just visits for an afternoon, its easy. And I get tired, he goes home, and I have a beer! 😂💙🍺

[Snarkyfishguts]

Taking the day off! I earned 12 dollars this week!

fasting was unsuccessful all week. Breakfast sang my name all week, and its okay. 
i maintained my weight loss and stayed at 264 this week. 
I struggled a lot with negative thoughts, and my family was really supportive and helped me when I felt overwhelmed. 
 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

Allegra is arriving in the mail today! It is the best allergy medicine for me.i am so excited because right now, I breathe in and it sounds like something is screaming inside my sinuses “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” 

 

of course, it doesnt sound like that to anyone outside my skull. Maybe a faint noise of discomfort.

 

inside “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

 

outside “ee”

 

I’ve been playing Sneaky Sasquatch before bed, and I have very weird dreams. Video game dreams are silly and funny. My dreams usually are about riding in elevators, rummaging through trash and running away from people.

 

 

I successfully fasted from last night to this morning. Mostly because I ate a lot yesterday so I wasnt even hungry until 10:30 today (blushes) 

 

i earned my dollar shoveling gravel. I filled up two wheelbarrows worth and then I was done for today. 
 

BUT LOOK AT MY LUNCH!

Beef taco cheesy omelet and some toast! And my mom made mixed drinks and I will not be hungry ever again it was amazing. It was so amazing it turned out sideways lol.

 

i’m gonna roll over and play some sneaky sasquatch and just digest like a big old snake. 
 

 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

I'm having a sad day. I'm sad for a lot of reasons.  Some of it's personal, some of it is the news. So I'm sad. 

 

My brother texted me that he drove by my grandfather's house, and the new owners painted it an ugly yellow. I've never really felt emotionally attached to a home, because we moved a lot when I was a kid, and then when I went to college and work, I moved a lot. And even though I spent like ten years in one house, I'm not overly attached to it, because there were a lot of problems. Never buy a house at the bottom of a hill. 

 

But my grandfather's house was different. He built it. Badly. My grandmother left frozen turkeys out on the counter at thanksgiving for HOURS and seemed to try to poison us every family gathering. We spent a lot of holidays, sitting on the couch fully dressed in our winter gear waiting while my mother took 30 minutes to say goodbye. There were massive snakes in the basement, and when my grandmother was alive, there were stacks of just stuff everywhere. It's not even like there was this amazing quality to it. But it was our family's and full of memories and smells like freshly baked bread, dust, and ivory soap and it just bums me out that someone thought "This would look really good in piss yellow"

 

It's not really about the house. The house was just like the clincher for me.  

 

Sigh. I'm going to go knit something or do SOMETHING. Maybe I'll just cross stitch my tombstone and put it on my bed 

 

RIP

SNARKYFISHGUTS

Team Waffle: Superior Even in Death

 

 

I supposed it's not too bad then  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Emma]

I understand. I lived in the same house for like 40 years. They weren’t happy years, but they were a lot of them. When mother died we sold the house to a couple who said they were retired and looked forward to spending many years there admiring the views (which were great). Found out last year they flipped the place and sold out after only two years. Betrayal! They lied to us! And it hurt. 
I’m having a hard time today with news as well. It is just so unrelentingly bad. So I worked on the jigsaw puzzle and watched NCIS for company and it helped.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

My "That's Metal" react was for your Team Waffle shoutout.

[deftona]

1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

But my grandfather's house was different. He built it. Badly. My grandmother left frozen turkeys out on the counter at thanksgiving for HOURS and seemed to try to poison us every family gathering. We spent a lot of holidays, sitting on the couch fully dressed in our winter gear waiting while my mother took 30 minutes to say goodbye. There were massive snakes in the basement, and when my grandmother was alive, there were stacks of just stuff everywhere. It's not even like there was this amazing quality to it. But it was our family's and full of memories and smells like freshly baked bread, dust, and ivory soap and it just bums me out that someone thought "This would look really good in piss yellow"

 

This really made me smile, your family sounds wonderful ❤️ 

 

It's sad that the world has to move on. Really sad. But I hope you join me in hoping that the new family either really enjoy their piss yellow house, or that they realise what a terrible idea it was and repaint it asap. I also hope one day the grandchild of whoever lives in Piss House writes a lovely paragraph about all the nice memories they have of their grandparents in that house. But as you said, it's not the house you're missing. It's the time and the people that passed and those memories aren't in that house, they're in your heart.

 

I do really wish I could give you a hug though. 

 

1 hour ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Team Waffle: Superior Even in Death

 

And I'm not even going to pick you up on this blatant lie ❤️ 

[Snarkyfishguts]

2 hours ago, Emma said:

I understand. I lived in the same house for like 40 years. They weren’t happy years, but they were a lot of them. When mother died we sold the house to a couple who said they were retired and looked forward to spending many years there admiring the views (which were great). Found out last year they flipped the place and sold out after only two years. Betrayal! They lied to us! And it hurt. 
I’m having a hard time today with news as well. It is just so unrelentingly bad. So I worked on the jigsaw puzzle and watched NCIS for company and it helped.

THOSE BASTARDS!  

I ended up playing Sneaky Sasquatch and choosing a knitting pattern. I mean, SO MUCH BAD NEWS, Emma. I'm afraid to talk about it in case we have different sets of bad news and end up with compound bad news. Tonight I am going to do happy relaxing things, wake up early and go hiking, and avoid the news until about 6pm.   

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

My "That's Metal" react was for your Team Waffle shoutout.

Right? I spent a good hour designing my headstone idea, and now I have to draw a graveyard scene just to be able to use it sometime. I thought of other things to engrave too, like "Buried Alive, Help!" and "She's a Zombie Now" and "Just having a nap"  and I was texting this to my brother and he abruptly changed the subject to all the delicious meals he cooked today. "Look at all these things I cooked today!" and then refused to answer anything I wrote about headstones.  It really cheered me up. Annoying him usually does.  

2 hours ago, deftona said:

 

This really made me smile, your family sounds wonderful ❤️ 

 

THEY ARE SO ANNOYING, so obviously I love them a LOT  💚

2 hours ago, deftona said:

It's sad that the world has to move on. Really sad. But I hope you join me in hoping that the new family either really enjoy their piss yellow house, or that they realise what a terrible idea it was and repaint it asap. I also hope one day the grandchild of whoever lives in Piss House writes a lovely paragraph about all the nice memories they have of their grandparents in that house. But as you said, it's not the house you're missing. It's the time and the people that passed and those memories aren't in that house, they're in your heart.

That's a comforting sentiment. That those children will one day go "Why yellow? I mean, it's definitely piss yellow." and have this wave of nostalgia for their home everytime they look in the toilet.  

And you're right, the memories stay with me. They don't live in the house. Except maybe the snakes still do. We never could get rid of them completely. They kept coming back and we never figured out how! 😳  They are harmless black snakes. But they are also five feet long or 152 cm. whatever you prefer. I hope not though. I hope the snakes will be like "Hey, this house smells different. Let's get out of here!"

2 hours ago, deftona said:

 

I do really wish I could give you a hug though. 

*Hugs Back*

2 hours ago, deftona said:

 

And I'm not even going to pick you up on this blatant lie ❤️ 

See, that's friendship right there. Besides, I would expect you to put a stone up next to mine and have it say "Pancakes forever!"  

[deftona]

6 hours ago, Snarkyfishguts said:

Except maybe the snakes still do. We never could get rid of them completely. They kept coming back and we never figured out how! 😳  They are harmless black snakes. But they are also five feet long or 152 cm. whatever you prefer. I hope not though. I hope the snakes will be like "Hey, this house smells different. Let's get out of here!"

 

 

Maybe the pissinating was an attempt to deter the snakes?

[Snarkyfishguts]

3 hours ago, deftona said:

 

 

Maybe the pissinating was an attempt to deter the snakes?

This gif is excellent! 
 

i am reading about repelling pesties now! I may never sleep again

[Snarkyfishguts]

Yesterday I cleaned my bedroom and knitted a scarf.  
 

today I completed fasting, and earned my dollar with ringfit. 
 

I feel a general dissatisfaction today. Usually I eat something or go shopping and that....doesnt really help. But I definitely feel like there’s something lacking In my life, and it is bothersome. Perhaps, its just a mood and will pass. 
 

blarg. I’m going to find something to do, 

[Snarkyfishguts]

Ringfit completed and dollar earned.

 

no fasting today.. i ate cookies last night. NO REGRETS.

 

this afternoon I planned meals for a week. How many of those meals will actually be made? I dont know. Mom and I are still working out balancing the kitchen powers. It’s her kitchen and her house, so I tend to defer to her, but sometimes I can just take over a bit and she gets a break. This time, she asked me to take over the planning, which I’m more than happy to be in charge of that for a while. 
 

my parents are wearing me out lately. They are still their wonderful, loving, and dysfunctional selves, I just need a break. Usually this time of year I go to my old college town for a couple days. I usually pack a lunch and sit at the lake and draw the families. I dont swim in the lake because bodies. They find bodies in the lake. But other people dont seem to mind so much. (Shrugs) but after a couple days, I feel like I’ve let go of something that needed released, and I am happy to come home and hug my parents. 

 

I want to travel. I want to see things that are new, and try new things, and write about them and take lots of pictures. So planning menus is a great way to try something new!  I can take photos and write about it. Its not the same thing, but it may scratch the itch  

 

 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

So there is a family that our family is friends with, and my youngest nephew plays with their kids and my oldest nephew babysits every week. The dad of the family tested positive for Covid19 so my brother and his family are all in quarantine. 

 

so far the dad is okay. He has a fever and some trouble breathing but he’s not seriously ill right now so we’re also really grateful for that and hoping the rest of his family stays healthy. 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

Yesterday was errand day. 

 

We called my brother and asked "Is there anything you need?" and he and his wife said "Vodka" So I went down and delivered some vodka and other things. I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, and bought a ton of stuff, forgot to pick up my dad's prescription, and came home. It was perfectly fine, but I was wiped out. I took a shower, ate some lunch, and fell asleep for a few hours. 

spoilered for talk about boundaries and a little self-therapy through some stuff. 

Spoiler

 

I woke up early today thinking about boundaries with my family. Especially my parents. I think sometimes that they are one way, and have a set of expectations for me to be their therapist, personal assistant and housekeeper, and then I think "No I was wrong, they want me to be independent and focus on taking care of myself." and I feel like I can't win because once I start living to Column A's expectations, Column B shows up and visa versa. And I kept feeling like "What is the reality here, because I'm missing something important." and I started feeling like I was losing my mind a little. 

 

And I realize that the reality is both A and B. My parents themselves have conflicting needs about needing someone to love and take care of them, and also wanting me to have a happy life separate (but not too far) from them.  Sometimes I think my mom has Borderline Personality Disorder, and my Dad is a narcissist. But you know what? THAT'S NOT MY JOB TO DIAGNOSE THEM. Even though they've asked me to when I was getting my masters in counseling. My answer was "You look hard enough in the DSM, you'll find everyone fits a diagnosis." 

 

I think my parents are awesome, and I love them, and I also think they are not capable of setting healthy boundaries and I need to be the person who does that and it's going to be HARD because this has been my whole life. My parents take care of me, but I'm also their emotional caregiver since I was a kid. Which really isn't fair to ask a small kid to listen to explanations of why my parents do things a certain way because of their child abuse. I'm done.  And I don't mean I never want to hear about when they're sad, but I have heard all the stories about their childhoods, and how that impacted them as adults, and why they're stuck in this pattern. Sometimes I intentionally don't sleep because I just need some time to myself and when they're sleeping, I can finally think. That's not okay with me anymore.

 

So. Boundaries. I'm going to work on this slowly, but am going to set up some boundaries for me and my family. And maybe take a nap. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

Today I cooked lunch, exercised, and got some stuff ready for future meals. I can't seem to calm down today. I'm not usually antsy, but sometimes after a big day like yesterday, I have trouble winding down, and I just have to wear myself out a little and everything kinda levels out again. Plus, I'm not drinking coffee, and I think that is playing a big factor into the antsy. 

 

Progress on boundaries.

Spoiler

 

I've taken some baby steps in boundary setting and acknowledging my very big role in this issue. First, I just said "This is what I'm going to do next." and then I did it. And it was really great. And no one bothered me. and then I saw my folks at lunch and we had a nice chat, and now we're all doing separate things. And I'm realizing, we all want this, someone just needed to say "I'll see you guys later!"

 

It may not work as well tomorrow, but I'm not going to internalize other people's emotions. and I'm not going to project my emotions onto other people. Deep breaths. 

 

 

So fasting today-no. Exercise, yes! Beating negative thoughts.... I say this is a draw. I think I'm addressing some critical thoughts that are really true, like my codependency, but that I'm also not giving myself a hard time over it and just saying "Well, I'm aware of this, let's change!"

 

Yup. yup. 

 

I'm going to log off now and clean something while I have all this energy. have a great day everyone! 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Check these out to see if they resonate:

Spoiler

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissits/

https://www.reddit.com/r/bpdlovedones/ 

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Check these out to see if they resonate:

  Reveal hidden contents

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissits/

https://www.reddit.com/r/bpdlovedones/ 

 

Yeah, that's my parents sometimes, but you know who that REALLY is? My grandparents. both sides. I think what I'm seeing is just learned behaviors in my parents from being raised in abusive environments, because they're not consistently like this enough to really warrant a diagnosis. One that I'm NOT qualified to give as a family member anyway. But my grandparents are dead so I can totally do that with them   

 

Also, I haven't been a counselor for oh my gosh, EIGHT years now. I wouldn't really want to counsel anyone without some serious continuous education. No no, I'll take requests for dogs wearing bowties.   

 

If you really want to talk about it more, I can do that, but I've typed and deleted about ten paragraphs worth of thoughts and internal struggling, and honestly, I feel like I've stepped out of line here, and I'm struggling with wanting to be open and honest, but not burdensome to you or others, or betraying my family. I need to process that, and I think I really need to let some things go. 

 

But first. Cookies. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

This is your thread. You don't have to be worried about burdening others ON YOUR OWN thread. If you are concerned about betraying confidence of your parents, that's a different matter and direct messages can solve that problem. I am willing to listen in either place. This isn't about diagnosing your parents, it's about giving you support to help you process things.