Teros 63: Healing

[Teros]

I had surgery the other day and I'm still out of it.  I had a cyst the size of a golf ball removed.  Since it was surface-level, they stabbed me 8 times with localized anesthesia.  I've been....exhausted since.  Not sure what I should be doing for a challenge.  I thought I should at least post something. Even trying to do dishes knocks the wind out of me.

 

I'm out of work for two weeks so hopefully I'll have enough energy to study while I'm out of work pretty soon.

 

Zzzz....

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Get some rest. That's a big cyst.

[WolfDreamer]

Rest well, my friend, and speedy healing. We'll be here when you're ready.

[Ann of Owlshire]

Rest well in the House of Healing. 

[Sciread77]

May your recovery be swift and complete. 

[Teros]

Thanks for the well wishes everyone.  I have some energy today so I can write about what happened.

 

First off, I've never had surgery before so I assumed I would get goofy gas and fall asleep and that would be the end of it.  That's not what happened.  Also, hospitals are freaky since corona happened.

 

I went to work my normal day and then I was able to get a ride from JJ to the hospital.  When I got to the front door, there was a cop there who stopped me and asked me why I was there.  I said I'm supposed to have surgery and he had me stay in the sliding doors and go check with a woman who had a chart of names.  I had to take off my current mask and put on a new hospital one.  Then I was told to go to the door on the left. 

 

When I got in there, it was empty.  No receptionist.  The tv wasn't on.  Not a single person in this whole hospital waiting room except me.  I sat there in dead silence for about 45 minutes until someone from the E.R. came through the other doors and had me sit down to take my information.  Then I was brought into a room and two people took my blood pressure and asked a few more questions. Back to the empty waiting room for another 30 minutes.

 

Finally, a woman came by and waved me through some double doors and into a tiny room where I was getting the surgery done.  I had to change my shirt and wear a hospital gown and then lay face-down on the examination table- face in a pillow.  After a couple minutes of talking, the surgeon were making sure I was ok and they put a cold pack on my back (I'm not sure why) and then I was told, "you're going to feel a pinch and burn".

 

That was the anesthesia.  Ok, one stab and I was fine.  But then he said 'pinch and burn' again.  And again. And again.  I was stuck 5 times at the base of my neck and he asked if I felt anything.  I mean, I could feel him poking around my shoulder/back/neck area.  Then I felt hot liquid pour down the side of my neck and he told me he made the incision.  Oh fuck, this is happening.

 

I could feel a lot of movement but not any pain for about 20 minutes.  Then I felt this spray?  It felt like I was getting misted and it stung.  He stabbed me another 3 times in the neck and kept going.  After about 30 minutes, he was sewing me up.  Feeling a stitch go through your skin while kind of numb is a really disorienting feeling.  I got a bunch of stitches and then he said he used some glue as well.

 

Idk if anyone here has has surgery before but it was fucking exhausting to me.  It still is for some reason.

 

I made my way out of the hospital with some paperwork.  I called the surgeon's office so I could pick up a doctor's note.  I'm not allowed to work for two weeks.  I picked up the paper, then went straight to work to drop off the note.  I had taken vacation time next week so it actually worked out well and I'll technically get paid, instead of unpaid leave.

 

Since then, I've been napping a lot.  I've had a really hard time with this.  Not because of the pain.  I hate meds so I stopped taking tylenol after the first 3 days.  It's because I get so winded by everything.  I feel feeble.  I wanted to move furniture: that's not happening.  I wanted to do dishes: that's not happening.  I wanted to work out: that's not happening.  I want to cook: that's not happening.  All I can basically do is read so I've been finishing up a ghost book (maybe I'll do a review on it).  Even the reading itself makes me start nodding off.  It's like my body is screaming "RECOVER".  I'm trying not to fight my body and stay awake so I'm letting myself sleep.

 

That's why I'm not sure what this challenge should be.  Last night I started getting a lot of discharge from the incision.  I called up the surgeon and he said it was normal.  I had a benign cyst the size of a golf ball on my upper-back and because of the empty space with the removal, apparently there will be some fluid retention in there and then it will leak out.  At least it's normal, but I have some paper towels pressed against it.

 

Sleep has been tough - I'm a side sleeper and I always flip over a couple times.  I can NOT lay on my right side.  Also, right before this surgery, I went pretty beast mode with my workouts and I hurt my left shoulder/back area.  So you can imagine both sides suck to be putting any pressure on when sleeping.

 

I'm hoping by the end of the weekend to be more functional.  I have a high tolerance for pain and I'd rather not be slamming advil and tylenol constantly so I'm not taking anything.  The incision alternates between stabbing pain, dull throbbing pain, and feeling fine but really really itchy.  I'm going to use the time off (when I'm able to focus) to finish this god-forsaken study guide for my exam.  I want this stupid thing done before I go back to work.

 

So far this morning, I used my dishwasher for the first time ever!  I always wash stuff by hand but I couldn't do it. I did 2 loads of laundry.  I took my air conditioner out of my room because I need to glue that little accordion door thingy since there is a rip in it.  I'm going to *attempt* to move the hutch/display case in the corner of the room but I'll see.  I'm already feeling tired just from the dishwasher, laundry, and ac moving.  I figured while I sit to rest, I would write this up.

[Snarkyfishguts]

Do not move furniture!!!!!!!

 

 

I've had cysts removed. Mine were a little bigger than yours, but that exhaustion you feel is normal. Your body is working overtime to heal. When I had my surgery, everything was exhausting. I ate lunch and needed a nap afterwards. You will feel better, but it just takes a while, and sometimes longer than the doctors say it does. It's totally okay. I think your challenge this time is going to be just to REST (which knowing you, is a challenge)  Listen to audiobooks, sleep when you can,  move around, take short walks, but DO NOT MOVE ANY FUCKING FURNITURE, TEROS.

 

💚

 

 

[DarK_RaideR]

Rest and recover, friend.

[WolfDreamer]

Yikes! That sounds like quite the experience. Rest well, buddy.

[RES]

Itching, as I'm sure you know, means it's healing.

Rest, do not move furniture, your body tells you what it needs and it's obviously telling you it needs rest!

 

[Snarkyfishguts]

Just checking in, friend - How are you feeling today? 

[Teros]

Thanks everyone.

 

So....all my stitches came out and I don't know what happened.  I didn't scrub my back with my back brush.  I didn't use my loofah. I didn't scratch at it.  I didn't do any heavy lifting.  So I have NO idea why the hell this happened.  It's on my back so I can't exactly see what's going on back there, you know?  There was a slight tear on the edge and the next day, the entire incision is wide open.  I can put a THUMB into it.  Definitely not a good sign.  It doesn't really hurt though, which I find odd.  I have my appointment with my surgeon today so I'm hoping he just puts in more stitches and glue.  I'm also hoping that because of this, he gives a week extension off of work.

 

I've gotten more studying done this past week than I have in the ENTIRE YEAR COMBINED.  Holing myself up in the ac and just grinding out pages is working.  I'm finally making progress after a whole year.

 

Had a meeting with others on NF and I definitely feel rejuvenated with being on here.  For @DarK_RaideR since he asked in chat:

 

 

+

 

I definitely enjoyed my convo with @deftonaafterwards

 

So far today I've done some cooking. Batch cooking for the week is:

-cube steaks (with sausage-onion gravy and cauliflower)

-mongolian pork medallions (with scallions, ginger, peppers)

-buffalo chicken (with broccoli)

-I still need to make a small shepard's pie which I'll do probably after the surgeon check-in.

[deftona]

1 hour ago, Teros said:

I definitely enjoyed my convo with @deftonaafterwards

 

It was great to have a catch up and see your lovely face

[Snarkyfishguts]

Fingers crossed for a quick fix for the hole. I’m glad you are resting and taking care of yourself. You are more important than a hutch 💚

[DarK_RaideR]

On 6/26/2020 at 5:51 PM, Teros said:

Had a meeting with others on NF and I definitely feel rejuvenated with being on here.

Actually relieved to read this. Had a sense you were getting kinda bored or tuned out as more people joined the chat.

[Teros]

So friday I had to meet with my surgeon for the checkup.  Two days before, the stitches pulled apart so I had a gaping hole back there. Was able to stick my own thumb in it for reference.  Definitely NSFW if I posted the pic on here.  Anyways, my surgeon said that it was ok that this happened: the wound will heal from the inside out.  I can't use anything to clean it out: I just stuff a bunch of gauze in the hole and put a piece of tape on it.  Then everytime I shower, I pull out the gauze, shower, and stuff new gauze in.  For a few days before I went to the surgeon, INSIDE my wound was itchy and there's no chance in hell I was going to scratch it so I was in itch-agony.  You know when you have an itch inside your palm  and scratching it does nothing and drives you insane?  Imagine that near the curve of your neck.

 

As soon as the surgeon stuffed a wad of gauze in there though: relief.  Like when you kick your shoe off and finally get to scratch your ankle.  I asked the surgeon if I was able to get time off while it heals.  He seems....off.  Like he's not social at all and talking to him about this fell on deaf ears.  I mentioned a week extra and he made no notion either way.  I'm supposed to see him in two weeks again.  When I went to the receptionist, I told her that I needed another week and that I see him in 2 weeks.  She went, "Well it doesnt make sense to go back to work BEFORE your check in so let's just add more".

 

And so...now I have 2 more weeks off.

 

The amount of studying I've gotten done has been unreal.  I keep Twitch open and I study/read a few pages and then switch to Twitch.  I get bored and I switch back and do a few more pages.  I'm on the computer for 12+ hours a day and my eyes are killing me but I've gotten THREE HUNDRED PAGES DONE.  I have less than 100 pages left and I have about 9 more days to do it.  I *absolutely* will get my study guide done and I'll apply for the LCSW exam.  Then, when I've finished reading, I'm going to go through the notes I've been typing up this whole time.  Since there are scheduled exams, it might be another month or longer before I can take the exam but I don't care: what matters is this PAINFUL SHITTY BOOK is almost finished.  My goal is to bang out 20-25 pages a day the next couple days and be done by the weekend.

 

The past couple of days, I've also been eating better.  I had enough energy to batch cook a couple days ago which is all whole30.  So far, I had a huge breakfast of:

 

cube steak, sausage gravy, bag of broccoli, 3 sunny side up eggs, a plum, unsweetened chocolate almond milkshake (frozen banana blended in)

 

It's 6pm right now and I'm heating up some shepard's pie.  I'll probably have an apple with it.  I've also been drinking way more water and using it as a guide for my studying.  When I finish my water, I get a refill, bathroom break, and then bang out a couple more pages of studying.  It's been working out great.

 

I'm still restless because I can't do the heavy dumbbells but I'm thinking I'm going to switch to cardio and walk one of the pugs in the morning.

 

Goals to have done by Saturday:

-All whole30 food eaten and starting a new batch cooking

-Establish a daily light workout

-Finish my LCSW study guide

-Finish my Ghost Hunting book (that has like 100 pages left as well)

 

Once I get that stuff done, I'll feel a hell of a lot better overall.  Amazingly, having no idea this challenge has helped me get more done....if that makes sense.

 

Only last thing to address: JJ.  She quit her job when I got surgery done a little over 2 weeks ago. While I've been healing and getting the above stuff done, she's...looked for jobs a bit and dug at her kitchen floor (why she decided to start something else instead of taking care of the myriad issues she has is beyond me).  I was really hoping that this big change for her leaving her shit job would spur her to be motivated and get shit done that she's said she wants to get done. But I don't see that.  I'm growing tired of this dynamic again. I spoke to my therapist today and explained.  He said I have needs in a relationship that aren't being met and it needs to be brought up.  I don't know if I should give JJ an 'ultimatum' per say; but I'm not happy with someone who isn't taking care of themself.  I'm struggling enough as it is to take care of myself.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

4 minutes ago, Teros said:

I don't know if I should give JJ an 'ultimatum' per say; but I'm not happy with someone who isn't taking care of themself.  I'm struggling enough as it is to take care of myself.

It doesn't have to be an ultimatum. It can simply be, "These are my needs and they are not being met." Now JJ may interpret it as an ultimatum anyway, but that's on her, not you.

[Snarkyfishguts]

56 minutes ago, Teros said:

You know when you have an itch inside your palm  and scratching it does nothing and drives you insane?  Imagine that near the curve of your neck.

I really cant stand itching either. I am glad you got relief and that its gonna be okay, but what a pain in the neck! (Too soon?)

 

I am really extra glad you got some more time off for healing. I’ve had to ask doctors to slow down and listen to me because I wanted to make sure we understood each other. I dont know what its like where you live, but here they are definitely overbooked and distracted. 
 

you are getting so much studying in! Yay!

 

 

[Teros]

I FINISHED THE STUDYGUIDE.  IN THE COURSE OF TWO WEEKS, I PLOWED THROUGH OVER 350 PAGES

 

 

 

 

I'm so proud of myself!  At the end of the study guide is a practice exam of 170 questions to simulate the LCSW exam.  I took it and finished in roughly 2.5 hours and you get 4 hours for the real exam.  I'm in the process of going through the answers since there is a little blurb for each question that tells you WHY the answer is right/wrong.  This means that before this week is over.....I'm signing up for the real exam.

 

Seeing as how I was moreso plowing through the actual pages of the book than really studying/reading, I did really good on the practice exam.  As in, I haven't once yet read through the notes I've been taking all this time.  Once I have an exam date set, I will consolidate my notes into a mini-guide and then read through the whole thing every other day. I'm trying to condense it into about 50 pages while I fix up the million typos.

 

In other news, I see my surgeon on Friday to see about going back to work.  I also got the forms for TDI so I can hopefully collect since I haven't worked in almost a month.

 

 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Well done on the studying. I'm proud of you too.

[Snarkyfishguts]

YAY! THAT IS SO AWESOME!!!

[DarK_RaideR]

Good job!

[Teros]

I started seeing a therapist roughly a year and a half ago - mere weeks before my mom died (insane timing).  Today, I still feel like I'm getting nothing out of it as I put pressure on him to help me and I'm just told to think about things.  Everything that he has said thus far has been extremely passive and I don't need that: I need some fucking direction.

 

For the LCSW exam, I need 2 letters of recommendation and I contacted both of them.  I also need to fill out a packet of papers which I printed out this week.  So that's moving forward.

 

While I also finished my ghost-hunting book, I started a new book about hauntings that takes a more philosophical approach towards the afterlife and ghosts.  As I finished the studying and I have the ball moving for taking the exam, I decided to relax more and youtube surf.  I stumbled along a channel that talks about MGTOW, which is 'Men Going Their Own Way'.  (In a nutshell, it's a philosophy of not bothering with partnering up with how the odds are stacked against men.) Now, I feel that the information is a little slanted; but the information from research and studies is pretty interesting.  There are compilations of dating sites and charting what standards are and preferences at certain ages for dating and settling down. After binging a good 50+ of these videos from this channel and looking at the related youtube recommendations, I find myself in a crisis.  Or maybe 'death sentence' would work for how I am feeling.

 

All of these videos have made me realize just how much time I don't have left.  I'm in my mid-30s.  I'm casually seeing someone who doesn't fulfill my needs (weight loss being a massive one).  I bit the bullet and weighed myself and FUCK I'm almost at my heaviest in my life.

 

I'm thinking a lot about a family.  I don't know if I want to be a dad.  If that is the case, I would want it to be *my* kid, as opposed to adopting.  This has made me reflect on money, my weight, and the time that I waste on ungrateful and, quite honestly, bad investments in terms of people.  If I invest 50 hours into someone and I get nothing out of it, I mine as well work another full-time job and have a paycheck at the end of the week, right?

 

I think that next challenge will be sort of different.  Today might be the last day I even use bandages and gauze for my incision, as there's about as much junk/blood as a popped zit the past two days.  I'm back on track for the past couple of weeks with going to the gym and also doing my dumbbell workouts.  Studies are mostly squared away.  I need something big now.  I need a project.  Something to really INVEST in.  And as the casual dating here and there has shown (I met another woman about 2 weeks ago and this week I was done with her after a parade of red flags...) my priorities and time are NOT ideal.  That's something to rectify next challenge.

 

 

[DarK_RaideR]

On 7/25/2020 at 9:56 PM, Teros said:

I stumbled along a channel that talks about MGTOW, which is 'Men Going Their Own Way'.  (In a nutshell, it's a philosophy of not bothering with partnering up with how the odds are stacked against men.) Now, I feel that the information is a little slanted

For whatever it's worth, whatever little I've seen of MGTOW comes across as thinly veiled anti-feminism, or rather a reactionary "theory" to modern feminism (much in the way "White/All lives matter" is presented as a reactionary counter-argument to BLM). Careful with letting that content into your head

[Sciread77]

4 minutes ago, DarK_RaideR said:

On 7/25/2020 at 1:56 PM, Teros said:

I stumbled along a channel that talks about MGTOW, which is 'Men Going Their Own Way'.  (In a nutshell, it's a philosophy of not bothering with partnering up with how the odds are stacked against men.) Now, I feel that the information is a little slanted

For whatever it's worth, whatever little I've seen of MGTOW comes across as thinly veiled anti-feminism, or rather a reactionary "theory" to modern feminism (much in the way "White/All lives matter" is presented as a reactionary counter-argument to BLM). Careful with letting that content into your head

For what it’s worth, I also get a strongly reactionary anti-feminist feel from the material, and it’s specifically aimed at otherwise decent men who are isolated and in a dark place.