Jump to content

Cartography in Life?


Doaheem

Recommended Posts

It's kind of funny. I usually come here after getting some progress, faltering, getting kicked around, and then ultimately stalling. I lick my wounds, start to feel a bit better, then come to the forum for a few challenges and then I blast off again. I used to hate myself for doing it but idk, maybe the forum and the challenge are supposed to be my bonfire to rest at and recharge, and, if I'm lucky, touch a few people with encouragement along the way. I'm trying to tackle a big personal demon this challenge and it's got me a little worried.

 

  • 1. Goals / Dreams

It's vague as hell but I can't remember a time when I ever had a goal or a dream. When I was little I wanted to be a pro golfer but it was never mine, it was my dads for me. Now I'm 30 and I'm married and I can't think of a single time I ever had a goal or a dream. I graduated high school just because it was next, same with college, I got married just because I met a great woman. None of those (I feel shame for the last part) were ever goals or dreams, they just sort of happened to me as I washed long with life. My wife brought up setting new goals and dreams following Lunar New Year and was astonished when I told her that. I didn't honestly have a good explanation why. Sure I've had interests I guess like becoming a voice actor but they always felt like childish fancies like being a superhero and not a true 'goal' or 'dream'

 

  • My first goal (hello irony?) is to make better sense of what those are, and to create at least one of each by the end of the challenge. They may not be perfect and I might change them, but at least I'll have something to show for it.

I plan to achieve this through journaling on the topic at least twice a week where I sit alone without electronics to distract me.

 

  • 2. Meditation / Buddhism

I'm a teacher, well a substitute anyway and while I was still working I would take the time to do breathing exercises and chant mantras I'd learned online. I didn't read too much about Buddhism at the time but I noticed how much better I tended to feel about life during those times. I acknowledge that now could be contributed to a NUMBER of incredibly stressful factors but still.. I've always been a Lakers fan since I was little (not a huge sports fan) and marveled at the presence of Phil Jackson, their head coach during an amazing period of years for the Lakers. He discussed his interest in Buddhism as a means of quieting his own mind as well as Kobe on Meditation. That was also my draw towards Buddhism.

 

  • My second goal (see 1st goal...) is to meditate 5 minutes in the morning before breakfast everyday using Habitify to track my progress and keep me honest. Sub goals during this challenge that I would like to accomplish would be to read more on Buddhism (I have books just... lazy I guess), and to come to a better understanding of what mindfulness is.

 

  • 3. Journal

This is kind of a two pronged attack. I enjoy journaling, I enjoy the process of emptying my thoughts and feelings onto a page so that my mind can rest. I suck at it. I suck at it so badly lol. There's been too many times when I just look at the blank page feeling like I have nothing 'good enough' to write down. That stalling at the gate of "I'm not interesting enough to write about" in the same vein of weak self worth that stops you from saying what you're good at when people ask. It's stupid and childish and yet here we are.

 

  • My final goal is to journal every night for at least one minute. That means one minute of pen to paper, not one minute of looking at the page. I think this is a spurring goal as whenever I start writing, inevitably I fill the page as I've done tonight and last night. I will be more compassionate with myself and just write whatever is on my mind, games I've played, feelings I've had, I will not measure whether or not something is 'important' enough to commit to paper, it's self therapy.
  • Like 1

You can become a Hero. 

Link to comment

Lakers fan. References bonfires for resting and recharging. Does 3-4 challenges and then falters and has to start over.

 

Okay, this means there now are two of me here.

 

We should probably warn the rest of the forum.

 

Oh, right, almost forgot: Welcome to the Rebellion!

  • Like 1

Reading Challenge Thread 2022

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scalyfreak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32; Ch 33; Ch 34; Ch 35; Ch 36; Ch 37; Ch 38; Ch 39; Ch 40

Link to comment
On 6/23/2020 at 3:07 AM, Doaheem said:

I used to hate myself for doing it but idk, maybe the forum and the challenge are supposed to be my bonfire to rest at and recharge, and, if I'm lucky, touch a few people with encouragement along the way. I'm trying to tackle a big personal demon this challenge and it's got me a little worried.

That's pretty much what we're all here for - encouragement and support in tackling big challenges. Both to give and receive. No shame in that.

  • Like 1

Challenge:   0  1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16  17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  31  32  33  34  35  36  37  38  39  40  41  42  43  44  45  46  47  48  49 

Link to comment

Hi Julie Honeybee, and Freak :) Thank you for taking the time to drop in. (purposely not tagging)

@julie

I guess it is helpful, just always kinda beat myself up about it in the past. Even now it's funny that I didn't log in at all since posting this, just sorta felt... guilty? shamed? idek it's weird. It's nice but almost in a 'you don't deserve it' weird self image stuff.

 

@Bee

I found that the one minute approach freaking BOOMED so far. Haven't missed a day. I journal just before bed or while my partner is in the shower. It'll start off as some stupid remark like "tried introducing more vitamin D/sunlight because have been experiencing super lethargy blahblah" (which I have and it's been very helpful) and by the end of it I'm half a page in my composite notebook just rambling about things. It feels nice :)

 

@Freak

Idk I think it still just might be you lol, I'm a Lakers fan but I have to admit I haven't followed them much since Lebron came, I really liked Randle (I went to UKY) and his leaving broke my heart. I think they're safe as we bop in and out hahaha

 

OK So!

First challenge

Kinda wishy washy there. I've been able to get two separate sessions into my journal. My partner suggested I take inventory of hobbies/jobs/clubs past and present and what I liked/didn't about them. I did and felt a little accomplishment, like one tick but that's still progress I guess. I found some common themes that I enjoy in training/teaching/helping other people, and doing a variety of things while moving around. A huge frustration for me is sitting/remaining stationary for extended periods and doing one task. I worked in a call center in college and I remember that as absolutely soul draining. I also took an interest inventory assessment with some results but more questions than anything. I truly don't enjoy doing this kind of thing because no matter what I always end up in a dark place feeling like I have absolutely no positive qualities/traits/attributes etc and it's annoying. Stupid brain.
Overall progress towards goal? Incomplete

 

Second Challenge

Meditation, haven't missed a day since the start, I admit I've dropped the ball and missed the morning part of it but I squeeze in five minutes elsewhere. I'm normally kinda irritable in the morning and I found that meditation helped that immensely and helped me to feel less stressed and put me in a better position to be helpful to my partner and others. I haven't read a LOT but I have read a little of my Heart of the Buddha's Teachings which is pleasant and always leaves me feeling better after like eating cool cucumbers in summer.

 

Third Challenge

Haven't missed a day. HUGE success, absolute victory, forcing myself for one minute, much like the writing technique for novelists, has been a boon to my journaling. I have to write for one minute? Sure fine, this almond probiotic Yakult tastes ok but it's given me super farts, I wonder if I'm allergic to a probiotic, oh I actually feel really anxious about... You get it. The first sentence or two ends up being really mundane and shallow and then things start to ramp up a bit from there. I'm trying my best not to judge my writing and it seems to be working.

 

Biggest challenge this... challenge? Easily trying to figure out what I want to do, it's a very tender subject and one that I'm struggling with tremendously, almost cripplingly. I'm working on my teaching credential now but I'm so scared of finishing it. My partner and family rightfully encourage me to just finish it since I'm almost done and I'll have both the credential and a Masters in Education but still, the closer I get to the finish line the more scary it feels. I think it might be related to the first (ok second to marriage XD) big adulty thing I've done that feels like commitment. I've always been terrified of commitment, I tried to play WoW when I was in high school and literally would delete every character after level like 12 because I couldn't decide on a class or on a side whether Horde or Alliance. I can almost always see a good point to every side of something.

 

Anyway, that's it for now, wish me luck :)

You can become a Hero. 

Link to comment

Hitting my first bumps of the challenge. It's difficult to explain but I just sorta fell off. I'm not angry at myself and I accept it but one day I just flipped off.

 

I've missed two days of journaling and meditation in the last week.

I did nothing to further progress my search for goals or dreams.

 

I've mostly just existed and done activities characteristic of avoidance behavior which is something I normally struggle with. I don't know what else to really say in this post.

You can become a Hero. 

Link to comment

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

New here? Please check out our Privacy Policy and Community Guidelines