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Lincoln_R1

Rock, meet Bottom

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After a long time, I'm back to posting on here. I'll do my best to post regular updates in a daily battle log.

 

Hi, I'm Lincoln. A little about me: I'm a male, 6'4", and I weigh 330lbs with a BFP of 43%. And in the last couple of years, I hit the bottom.

 

I have Major Depressive Disorder and in the last two years now I've been in a pretty bad place. Now, on the outside I'm doing great: I moved out on my own, got an amazing job, live in a beautiful place and all that good stuff. But, and I'm just being completely honest, I've been lower than I've been in years. Low enough to contemplate bringing an end to my future because I honestly saw no way to go on. It's like this eternal chain in my mind, no matter how good I'm doing in my every day life I feel like I'm drowning. This came to a head last October. I got low enough that I approached my employer with my mental health issues for the first time. Through them, I was able to get in to see a psychiatrist, and I'm finally on medication. And for a while that seemed to be enough. I got onto the online coaching program here at Nerd Fitness, got my finances in order, and I've been on a pretty good up swing.

 

But I've been falling again for a couple of months now, since maybe April. I was sent home from work the third week of March, and while I've still been getting a paycheck and I haven't had to worry about money, my time being immobile has really hurt me. And now I'm in that same place I was in when I started seeing my doctor last year. 

 

This week has been especially hard on me. I left my long time D&D group. I was a problem player, always bringing everyone else's fun down. At least that's how I saw it, and nobody objected to me leaving. I don't take criticism well, and I found it difficult to remove myself from the game enough not to bring my mental health issues into my playing. So, in the long run I think it'll be for the best, but in the short run it's really hurt me more than I thought it would.

 

On top of that, I haven't seen any progress since starting with the coaches. I don't feel any better and I haven't lost any weight. It's 100% on me, I haven't stuck to the plan religiously and I've let my own mind crap gunk up my performance in real life.

 

So, I'm at the bottom. HP is zero, no more shields, no clerics to revivify me. Today starts me on square one.

 

I'll post this to my daily battle log, that way I'll have a place to start there. I really hope I can get myself in better shape, both physically and mentally. I really hate talking about all of this because I just feel like I'm whining. But I'm sad, and angry and disappointed and all I do is criticize myself and tell myself I'm trash.

 

Maybe no body will read this, I don't know. Just figured I'd start somewhere, more for me than anything.

 

Lincoln; June 28th, 2020

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15 hours ago, Lincoln_R1 said:

Maybe no body will read this, I don't know. Just figured I'd start somewhere, more for me than anything.

 

I read it.  I feel for you man, it sounds like you've been trying to make the right choices and decisions for your inner-you but its just been bottoming out.  Maybe the forums can be a place to help.  Starting today at square one sounds great, the best time to start anything is right now.  Think about starting one of the 5-week challenges, you don't have to wait for a new cycle to start up.  Just pick a few goals you can achieve and build on.  Moving, improving your mental state, getting comfortable with you and listening to the best ways to improve right now.  Try not to change too much all at once, Rome wasn't built in a day and you won't be either.  Rome also wasn't destroyed in one day, and you won't be either.  Just make sure each day you do more things that build than destroy.

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Welcome back to the forums!

 

15 hours ago, Lincoln_R1 said:

But I've been falling again for a couple of months now, since maybe April. I was sent home from work the third week of March, and while I've still been getting a paycheck and I haven't had to worry about money, my time being immobile has really hurt me. And now I'm in that same place I was in when I started seeing my doctor last year. 

 

We are here to support in any way we can! That being said, have you checked in with your doctor recently? With all of the uncertainty and upheaval going on, you totally aren't alone with struggling (even if it feels that way!), so it's really important to talk to your doctor about how you are feeling right now.

 

I'm now following your Battle Log, so I'll be checking up on you!

 

16 hours ago, Lincoln_R1 said:

This week has been especially hard on me. I left my long time D&D group. I was a problem player, always bringing everyone else's fun down. At least that's how I saw it, and nobody objected to me leaving. I don't take criticism well, and I found it difficult to remove myself from the game enough not to bring my mental health issues into my playing. So, in the long run I think it'll be for the best, but in the short run it's really hurt me more than I thought it would.

 

I also recently left my D&D group. My play style didn't match the play style of the rest of the group and my leaving had pretty much the same reaction (no one really cared). It was very frustrating to me because I felt like my contributions (and the time and effort I put into the group) weren't appreciated. Nothing else other than solidarity. 

 

16 hours ago, Lincoln_R1 said:

On top of that, I haven't seen any progress since starting with the coaches. I don't feel any better and I haven't lost any weight. It's 100% on me, I haven't stuck to the plan religiously and I've let my own mind crap gunk up my performance in real life.

 

Have you talked to your coach about how you are feeling and ways to make the program work better for you? That's what they are there for! 

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I'm going to share my battle. Due to Epilepsy, Brain surgery, and recovery for my wife I fell off the wagon for 2 years!!

Gained over 45 pounds. Lost my anti-fragility and my muscle mass. I started be climb back up 2 months ago with diet(and lost 20 lb back). 2 weeks ago I started running. Yesterday I Lifted and then went for a mile run where I think I almost died.  In 2017 I ran a Marathon. 26.2 miles, and yesterday I almost passed out from a mile. Yet I don't feel down.....

 

Several years ago, Steve Immortalized me in his blog. He made me a superhero. I'm not very superhero feeling right now but I've learned some things as I headed through the medical battle we have just finished. Actually, I've learned 2 things.

 

1) Rock bottom may suck but it's really solid ground to be on. There is only one direction you can go from there and it's up

2) Every time a superhero get's knocked down and wounded, they stand back up to continue the fight. Injured, defeated, but willing to do the battle again because their will to do what they do is infallible.

 

Fast forward to yesterday. I ran a damn mile. And I CELEBRATED IT!!! I know the recipe to get back to where I was. The difference is this time. I don't even have to take a leap of faith after Steve and Staci. I already know exactly how to do it, AND I know, AS A FACT, IT WORKS!! Been there, done that(and can do it again). 

 

This superhero wants his cape back. It's right there hanging in the closet. It's just waiting for me to take it back out. And I intend to. I suspect your cape is still in your closet waiting for you. It's a patient cape. It's OK to reach for it!!

 

Final note: My running a mile when I used to run 26 is rather anticlimactic but remember this. Your car has a really big windshield and a really small rear view mirror. That's because you need to spend most of your time looking forward. Things behind you already changed. You can no longer affect them. Don't spend so much time looking behind you that you take your energy away from what's ahead of you. The windshield is where it's at. Maybe in another week I'll be back to a mile and a half. It's not the 26.2mi in the rear view mirror but when I look out the windshield it's further ahead of me than I'm at right now.

 

It's a good day to be alive. I think I'll be alive again tomorrow but a tiny bit better than the Mike of today.

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