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Copied from my Respawn post:


After a long time, I'm back to posting on here. I'll do my best to post regular updates in a daily battle log.

 

Hi, I'm Lincoln. A little about me: I'm a male, 6'4", and I weigh 330lbs with a BFP of 43%. And in the last couple of years, I hit the bottom.

 

I have Major Depressive Disorder and in the last two years now I've been in a pretty bad place. Now, on the outside I'm doing great: I moved out on my own, got an amazing job, live in a beautiful place and all that good stuff. But, and I'm just being completely honest, I've been lower than I've been in years. Low enough to contemplate bringing an end to my future because I honestly saw no way to go on. It's like this eternal chain in my mind, no matter how good I'm doing in my every day life I feel like I'm drowning. This came to a head last October. I got low enough that I approached my employer with my mental health issues for the first time. Through them, I was able to get in to see a psychiatrist, and I'm finally on medication. And for a while that seemed to be enough. I got onto the online coaching program here at Nerd Fitness, got my finances in order, and I've been on a pretty good up swing.

 

But I've been falling again for a couple of months now, since maybe April. I was sent home from work the third week of March, and while I've still been getting a paycheck and I haven't had to worry about money, my time being immobile has really hurt me. And now I'm in that same place I was in when I started seeing my doctor last year. 

 

This week has been especially hard on me. I left my long time D&D group. I was a problem player, always bringing everyone else's fun down. At least that's how I saw it, and nobody objected to me leaving. I don't take criticism well, and I found it difficult to remove myself from the game enough not to bring my mental health issues into my playing. So, in the long run I think it'll be for the best, but in the short run it's really hurt me more than I thought it would.

 

On top of that, I haven't seen any progress since starting with the coaches. I don't feel any better and I haven't lost any weight. It's 100% on me, I haven't stuck to the plan religiously and I've let my own mind crap gunk up my performance in real life.

 

So, I'm at the bottom. HP is zero, no more shields, no clerics to revivify me. Today starts me on square one.

 

I'll post this to my daily battle log, that way I'll have a place to start there. I really hope I can get myself in better shape, both physically and mentally. I really hate talking about all of this because I just feel like I'm whining. But I'm sad, and angry and disappointed and all I do is criticize myself and tell myself I'm trash.

 

Maybe no body will read this, I don't know. Just figured I'd start somewhere, more for me than anything.

 

Lincoln; June 28th, 2020

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Lincoln's Log

June 29th, 2020

 

Today was better than yesterday. I started it off by making a new meal plan for myself, one that will be easier than the one's I've tried this year so far. Basically I kept the mantra in mind "keep it stupidly simple." So I went back to Nerd Fitness, and formulated my new diet plan based on my recommended protein intake as stated in the new calculator. From there, I filled it out based on the "how to start eating healthy article." I have three meals a day, each meal has two servings of veggies, two servings of meat, a serving of healthy carbs, and a serving of healthy fat. In addition, I have two snacks through out the day, which are made up of a serving of unflavored fat-free yogurt and a serving of fruit (strawberries in my case). To round out the day, I also have a protein shake in the diet plan, since my current exercise plan has me doing two workouts every weekday. In total, this new plan gives me a good amount of protein and remains at my BMR.

 

Like many meal plans, mine uses a lot of boneless, skinless chicken breast. I was able to find a way to prepare it so it remains juicy and not stringy, which is why I usually hate chicken breast. Basically, it involves sous videing the chicken, and then searing it as I need it.

 

But here in lies an issue I hadn't expected. My apartment complex is in a Native American Reservation, and the Pueblo is closed to outsiders with the virus going on. My lease is up tomorrow, and I've called the leasing offices. Basically, they've said they won't be renewing leases until the Pueblo re-opens, since the Pueblo owns the apartment complex. While that's nice for me in that I don't have to worry about renewing my lease, I haven't been able to contact them about whether or not they expect a rent payment on the 1st. I'll try calling again tomorrow. Reserving my rent payment will strain my budget a bit, and I'm a little stressed about it.

 

I was able to contact my doctor today, and he recommended upping my antidepressant dose for the next two weeks to see if my mood improves at all. I'm worried this will deplete my stores before I can get my prescription refilled. My medicine is very expensive without insurance, I wouldn't be able to afford it if I had to get a refill early.

 

I did my body weight workout this morning. I have another workout scheduled today too, so I'm planning on doing that closer to bed time. I ate below my caloric amounts today, but that's kind of a small consolation, I'm freaking starving. Maybe I need to drink more water. I won't be able to go grocery shopping until Thursday, so for the next couple of days I need to conserve what I have.

 

I saw some interesting videos today about sugar and the effects of fructose on the body. So, that's a real eye opener to me at least.

 

Anyway, I'm done for now. I'll report in again tomorrow.

 

End of line...

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Lincoln's Log

June 30th, 2020

 

Today was rough. Not as bad as it's been the last few weeks and months, but not nearly as productive as yesterday.

 

Today I ate pretty badly. I won't have money for a full grocery haul until Thursday, so I had to make do with the sausage and hot dogs I had in the fridge. I ended up eating a little fast food for dinner. Not sure how many calories I ate today, but it was not much. I'm not feeling very well, so I wasn't feeling very hungry.

 

I'm very light headed today. In my last log, I mentioned I had gotten in touch with my doctor, and he told me to raise the dose of my antidepressants from 40mg/day to 60mg/day. The medicine I'm on is a blood thinner and can lower blood pressure, so I think that's why I've been light headed. I'll keep monitoring that over the next week and a half.

 

I didn't sleep well last night, mostly because I'm trying to get myself back to waking up at 4:00 every morning so I have time to work out before work (which starts up again on Monday). I've been waking up pretty consistently at 6:00 for the last two months, so it's not been easy to try transitioning back. Plus, my antidepressants can disrupt sleep patterns, so that probably doesn't help.

 

With me being sluggish today, I decided not to work out because I was afraid I might hurt myself if I pass out. Instead, I ran a line from my RO/DI system to my new aquarium, and started filling it. It's gonna be a SPS dominant saltwater reef tank in the end, if anyone wanted to know. But just running the line along the floor boards got me dizzy, and I almost passed out twice. Again, I'll make a note of this and monitor myself over the next week and a half.

 

I'm interested in checking out the forums here for resources on meditation. I think that it could be a great asset for me to start practicing meditating.

 

I was low today, but more sad than hopeless. I'm dwelling on what's going on in Hong Kong, and whats going on here in the US.

 

I think that's about it for today. I'll report in again tomorrow.

 

End of line...

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Lincoln's Log

 

July 2nd, 2020

 

Late update.

 

Yesterday, I spent the day finishing the setup of my reef aquarium. I was able to fill the tank, salt it, got the heating started, and I made an adjustment to the plumbing. A friend of mine dropped by for a visit, and we ended up getting pizza. Not proud to say it, but I ate a whole pizza (back in my youth I would have been impressed, but now I'm just grossed out). Today I have no appetite, so I'll just take it as a signal from my body that I'm good on food today. I drank a cup of milk, but so far I haven't eaten anything else, and I haven't felt hungry yet.

 

I went grocery shopping today,  got everything I need for the next week. I'm gonna cook the chicken as I need it, but on Sunday, I have a sous vide machine coming, so I'l' be able to make chicken breast that doesn't taste like leather or have the consistency of yarn.

 

I'm still sluggish and light headed, but not as bad as yesterday. I'll probably go easy today, and then hit a workout tomorrow if I'm feeling better.

 

Back to work on Monday too. Looking forward to it!

 

I'll post an update this afternoon about the rest of today.

 

End of line...

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Lincoln's Log

 

July 5th, 2020

 

Good weekend so far! I'm starting to really feel better, and I think it's because of the antidepressants.

 

I've gotten involved with the NF Academy, and I'm working through the mindset stuff now.

 

Today my sous vide is supposed to be arriving, so I'll be making my meals for the week today.

 

Excited about returning to work tomorrow. It's reallt been too long, I need to play a lot of catch-up. But I think I'll be able to accomplish my goals for this month.

 

That's all for now. 

 

End of line...

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