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fleaball

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Holy shit. As obnoxious as it is that my brother needs scripts for phone calls at least he can follow them and speak like a human. My father on the other hand? I needed him to call Bank of America because they’re changing his mortgage number but we’re unclear on the timeline for updating it. Their hold time was ridiculous so he opted for a call back when it was his turn. I wrote very specifically what I needed to know in case they called while I was busy or something. 
 

by sheer coincidence I went down to get cat food as his phone rang. He asked if I’d rather talk to them or if he should. I said I gave him everything he needed but I’d do it if he wanted. (I shouldn’t have, but I do worry about his comprehension and didn’t want to fuck this up.) The lady connects and starts with the disclaimer about recorded lines and then starts to say “who am I speaking with” but gets about halfway through her question when he just jumps in with “yeah hi I’m going to hand the phone over to my daughter. She has a question about the dates and she knows what’s going on.” 
 

...wut. 
 

Never mind that the script I wrote says “I got an email that my account number is changing and I have a question about the timeline.” Just... I can’t. I don’t even know what to do with this.

 

It’s really ridiculously sad that I genuinely have no idea if this is his usual awkward self or if he’s really on some kind of cognitive decline. I’m not even being a bitch, I just can’t tell.

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Sooooooo what if the reason I can’t even pretend to do challenge things is my anxiety over being interrogated about what I do and having to justify everything?
 

Because as shitty as it feels to say “I’m gonna do the things!” and then never do them, that’s a normal practice in my family so it’s less of a risk than actually doing shit. 

 

But if I say I’m gonna exercise or eat X food or do whatever self care thing, and I actually follow through, I might have to actually talk about the exercise I did or why I want to eat X food or picked that self care thing over another. And even that one challenge where I almost hit on this and decided to keep my goals a secret, the fact that I was still reporting whether or not I did them was anxiety-inducing. 
 

Fuck. i have no idea how to work on this. Other than just trying to power through and do it all anyway. 
 

And for the record, I don’t expect anyone here to actually grill me like my family does. And y’all will understand “my phone tells me when to walk and when to run” and also not demand to know the exact page of the exact book where I got the idea to put peanut butter in my oatmeal even though I make frankenfood all the time and just mix shit because I feel like it. 


But it seems the audience matters less than the action itself does. 
 

(I do remember some random person stopping by a thread of mine once and arguing with me over my goal of drinking 100oz of water daily since science said it was unnecessary or something. “Because I feel better when I do but I’ve been slacking on it lately” was absolutely not an acceptable answer, if you were wondering. This was like 7 years ago so clearly did not impact me at all. :rolleyes:)
 

I am annoyed with this realization because while it’s helpful to figure out what’s going on behind the scenes in my brain, I really don’t know where to go from here. And I’m extra annoyed because I was asleep, woke up to pee, and got smacked in the face with this. And now I have to try going back to sleep while being pissed that my family exists and has fucked me up so bad. Arrrrrrgh. 

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3 hours ago, fleaball said:

also not demand to know the exact page of the exact book where I got the idea to put peanut butter in my oatmeal even though I make frankenfood all the time and just mix shit because I feel like it. 

I literally just did this an hour ago for breakfast. 

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5 hours ago, fleaball said:

And for the record, I don’t expect anyone here to actually grill me like my family does

Hmmm we must be slacking then.  If you would like me to, I would be happy to grill you on all the minutia of your daily life. 

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On 7/11/2020 at 4:48 AM, fleaball said:

Yessss. When someone in California says 89 is too hot, I am totally validated lol. Anything above like 70 is too hot for me. 

I'll be the other end of that from you:  while I had the Pool House to myself, I've been actively keeping it between a comfortable 77-80.  :D

I'm grew up in southern Louisiana (it was a normal 96-degree day yesterday, for reference) with no A/C (we were poor).  I really prefer the heat, hahaha.

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just another cracked southern belle,

and a specialist in self-kintsukuroi.

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― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

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20 hours ago, fleaball said:

Sooooooo what if the reason I can’t even pretend to do challenge things is my anxiety over being interrogated about what I do and having to justify everything?

Makes sense.

 

I mean, not in like a logical way, but, well, an anxiety way ;) 

 

Would it help if you just didn't talk about goal related stuff here? Like, just use it for venting or observations, breakthroughs, that kinda thing. Keep the goals secret. Don't even tell us what they are. Don't tell us if you did them. After all, we might not even be real people, we could all be advanced AI bots, so you really don't owe us anything :D 

 

Also, hi! 

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4 hours ago, Owlet said:

Would it help if you just didn't talk about goal related stuff here? Like, just use it for venting or observations, breakthroughs, that kinda thing. Keep the goals secret. Don't even tell us what they are. Don't tell us if you did them. After all, we might not even be real people, we could all be advanced AI bots, so you really don't owe us anything :D 

this is great idea.  the point is to make this space work for you.   just bitch and moan and celebrate and rejoice!  we don't have to know the whys.

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just another cracked southern belle,

and a specialist in self-kintsukuroi.

Current Challenge Accountability:  Health & Happiness Are Hard: Wherein the Cracked_Belle Un-Dies

Epic Quest:  Adventures in Badassery  [under construction]

Spoiler

There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why or who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn't one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect. And yet you are all that you have, so you must be enough. There is no other way.
― Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

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On 7/14/2020 at 8:38 AM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I literally just did this an hour ago for breakfast. 

Right? It's normal and not rocket science to decide melty thing goes into hot thing. But apparently I am not able to come up with such a thing on my own and must have gotten the idea from somewhere else. 

 

On 7/14/2020 at 10:45 AM, WhiteGhost said:

Hmmm we must be slacking then.  If you would like me to, I would be happy to grill you on all the minutia of your daily life. 

I think I'm all set for now, but if I'm ever having a good day and need to be knocked down a few pegs I'll let you know.

 

19 hours ago, cracked_belle said:

I'll be the other end of that from you:  while I had the Pool House to myself, I've been actively keeping it between a comfortable 77-80.  :D

I'm grew up in southern Louisiana (it was a normal 96-degree day yesterday, for reference) with no A/C (we were poor).  I really prefer the heat, hahaha.

This hurts my soul. Obviously I know people have different experiences and that's fine but hearing 77-80 is yuck lol. We're not even going to talk about the 96. D:

 

11 hours ago, Owlet said:

Makes sense.

 

I mean, not in like a logical way, but, well, an anxiety way ;) 

 

Would it help if you just didn't talk about goal related stuff here? Like, just use it for venting or observations, breakthroughs, that kinda thing. Keep the goals secret. Don't even tell us what they are. Don't tell us if you did them. After all, we might not even be real people, we could all be advanced AI bots, so you really don't owe us anything :D 

 

Also, hi! 

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ngl I saw you'd posted and out loud was like "holy shit!"

 

I just finished talking to my therapist about this and she kind of agrees with you. I say kind of only because I went into more detail with her than I did here but you're on the same track lol. I've tried doing the secret goal thing before but basically my constant need for praise and positive attention means I can't keep things secret for long. But then as soon as I say I've been doing it, that kills the whole thing. So what we decided is that I'll pick things to work on and keep them to myself for the next challenge, but since I also constantly want to work on not-goal things I'll post about any one-off things I do during that time. Like if I do a yoga video but yoga isn't one of my goals, I'll be like "hey guys I did yoga!" Sounds like a good plan in theory, we'll see how it works out in practice. And if y'all are actually AI I want to know why this technology isn't being used elsewhere because you're some of the smartest AI I've encountered. Siri has nothing on you guys. 

 

7 hours ago, cracked_belle said:

this is great idea.  the point is to make this space work for you.   just bitch and moan and celebrate and rejoice!  we don't have to know the whys.

I do a lot of bitching and moaning lol. The constant problem is that I don't actually know what works for me, because every new thing I try has some ptsd gremlin pop up and yell "NOT TODAY, BITCH!" and suddenly the plan doesn't work. -__- Eventually I will find something. I guess. 

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On 7/11/2020 at 9:40 PM, fleaball said:

Hey Christian friends, if anyone has issues with my usage of colorful variations of “Jesus Christ” please let me know and I’ll work on it. 
 

Having posted this, I’ll try to scale it back anyway but I’d still appreciate being told if I was offending anyone. 

 

Mostly what Tank said (Jesus, big boy, can handle it)

But I also want to say that your thoughtfulness in asking is appreciated. 

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woooo the thing in my side was a benign mole. Still mad about "it could be an ingrown hair" but I'll take anything that isn't "surprise it's cancer" at this point.

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I’m finally getting around to for reals cleaning my room. Taking out boxes that the cats have claimed as beds, which has what held me back for so long. But they’ll live. The really unfortunate part is that I turned on a standing fan since my entire room is boiling hot, and as I’m picking stuff up off the floor it’s finding all kinds of dust-and-cat-hair tumbleweeds I didn’t know existed. There’s a literal whirlwind of shit blowing around right now. And it’s all shit I’m allergic to. D: I’ve vacuumed what I could but as I’m rearranging stuff more keeps getting unearthed. Gonna keep cleaning for a bit and then 1000% have to shower, change my clothes, and wash some sheets to put on my bed tonight so I don’t die in my sleep from an asthma/allergy attack. Yikes. 

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Holy shit I feel so much better. Today has been crazy productive. Despite not getting nearly enough sleep I’ve made phone calls, checked several tasks off the to do list, cleaned/vacuumed/organized/tossed a bunch of shit, vacuumed the tumbleweeds off the stairs, cleaned off my giant white board on the wall that is miserable to clean because nothing wipes off easily, took a shower and washed my hair for the first time in too long, and put lotion on which has also been long overdue. I still need to pop my sheets in the laundry and change them when they’re done, but it’s only 7:15. I’m going to eat something and probably play FFXII all night, and get my sheets done in there somewhere. And hopefully sleep early. If I can’t sleep tonight after all the activity today I’m going to scream. 

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6 hours ago, fleaball said:

The really unfortunate part is that I turned on a standing fan since my entire room is boiling hot, and as I’m picking stuff up off the floor it’s finding all kinds of dust-and-cat-hair tumbleweeds I didn’t know existed. There’s a literal whirlwind of shit blowing around right now. And it’s all shit I’m allergic to. D: I’ve vacuumed what I could but as I’m rearranging stuff more keeps getting unearthed.

I have been there more times than I care to admit. It sucks and you're sneezy the next day, but on all the days after (particularly if this was your bedroom), you get to benefit from clearing out the allergens that have been low-key irritating you for ages.

 

You could also try pointing your fan out your open window so that it blows the dusty air out and sucks cleaner outdoor air in.

 

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On 7/16/2020 at 5:58 AM, fleaball said:

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! ngl I saw you'd posted and out loud was like "holy shit!"

Hahaha excellent. It's so gratifying to just pop up out of nowhere every now and then. 

 

On 7/16/2020 at 5:58 AM, fleaball said:

I just finished talking to my therapist about this and she kind of agrees with you. I say kind of only because I went into more detail with her than I did here but you're on the same track lol. I've tried doing the secret goal thing before but basically my constant need for praise and positive attention means I can't keep things secret for long. But then as soon as I say I've been doing it, that kills the whole thing. So what we decided is that I'll pick things to work on and keep them to myself for the next challenge, but since I also constantly want to work on not-goal things I'll post about any one-off things I do during that time. Like if I do a yoga video but yoga isn't one of my goals, I'll be like "hey guys I did yoga!" Sounds like a good plan in theory, we'll see how it works out in practice.

Yeah that sounds good!

 

On 7/16/2020 at 5:58 AM, fleaball said:

And if y'all are actually AI I want to know why this technology isn't being used elsewhere because you're some of the smartest AI I've encountered. Siri has nothing on you guys. 

;);) 

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On 7/13/2020 at 5:28 AM, fleaball said:

Does the humidity in Florida bother your RA? I thought that was a thing but I feel like you wouldn’t be there if it were?

How has it been 3 days since I've commented on your thread? 

Yes, but not as much as cold does...and storms (ie: hurricanes, because of course)

Anywhere I live there will be something that irritates it, I love FL so I choose to deal with it

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Not dead, although I’ve felt like crap all week. Cleaning pissed off my sinuses for two days and then I’ve just felt generally ugh since. 
 

Right now I’m still feeling like crap and it’s making me extra mad that I have to go with my father to his eye appointment at 9:30 am. He’s getting his eyes dilated so I have to drive home. He’s a bad enough driver on his best days, there’s no fucking way I’m letting him do it now. I’m just really pissed about the timing because all I want to do is get some fucking sleep. 
 

And I was just eating some grape tomatoes and only discovered the moldy one at the bottom after I’d eaten most of the rest. So that’s awesome. 

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Half an hour before my alarm was supposed to go off I told my father I didn’t feel comfortable driving because I hadn’t slept at all. Which was 100% true. He was pissy but accepted it. And then I magically fell asleep five minutes later. My brain really does not like sleeping when I have to get up earlier than I’d like. 
 

I feel bad for bailing but I also feel like most people don’t need someone else to drive them home after getting their eyes dilated? It’s not the most fun process in the world but still. I think this only started because the year my mother was dying he and I were out looking at rehab places before his appointment and there wasn’t time to drop me off at home. And hey writing that sentence just made me super angry about how all that went down. Yay. 
 

not gonna lie, he’s not home right now and part of me is hoping he wrapped his car around a tree. 

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1 minute ago, fleaball said:

 

not gonna lie, he’s not home right now and part of me is hoping he wrapped his car around a tree

You're not the only one who's daydreamed about a toxic family member having a fatal accident on the way home.

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Just now, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You're not the only one who's daydreamed about a toxic family member having a fatal accident on the way home.

Sadly it remains a dream. He just got home in one piece. 
 

There's always tomorrow I guess. 

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I’m going to lose my goddamn mind. 
 

Two weeks ago:

”Hey Dad I got a notification that Amazon shipped my exercise bike. It will be here in a couple weeks. Can you make sure there’s room in the garage for it?” He says yes and nothing else. 
 

Last week:

”They updated the shipping estimate, it should be here on the 27th. Let me know if you need help in the garage.” 
 

Just now: 

“UPS says the exercise bike is getting here sometime this weekend, which is earlier than Amazon said. We’re still keeping it in the garage so I can haul it out to the driveway to use right?”

”(lots of unintelligible grumbling.)”

”Why is it suddenly a problem?”

”Well I didn’t know you were actually buying it.” (Narrator: what the fuck?!) “You can be seen for miles when you’re out there.” (False.) “Everybody’s going to be driving by and watching you.”

”If I go running plenty of people will drive by me too, how is it different?”

”It’s just different. People will stop and take pictures and you’ll wind up in some website.”

 

I speak multiple languages and none of them have words to describe what is happening here. I asked if there was somewhere in the house he’d rather have me put it and he just freaked out again that he didn’t know I was buying it and “we’ll figure it out.” I’m sorry I’d like to know where to put a 50-pound package when it arrives so that we don’t have to drag it up and down stairs more than once. I could manage it in my room if absolutely necessary but I don’t want to be yelled at if it bothers someone downstairs. Maybe I’ll just bring it up out of spite. Then he can’t use it. 
 

Also:

”Dad, what’s the difference between a drill and an electric screwdriver?”

”Well they... uh, one’s...”

”Never mind, better question: which one is better for putting up a blind?”

”I told you I have a hundred of them downstairs, I just have to find one.”

”That’s great, but it’s been two months and I’d like to be able to get changed in my room without giving the neighbors a show. Which one should I buy?”
 

So I ordered a drill that should be here by Monday. I think I hurt his ego/masculinity/something by once again highlighting his failure to Man(TM) since he couldn’t produce the right tools for the job. He was really mad that I was buying one. But I ran out of fucks long ago. 

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Incidentally, the main difference between a drill and an electric screwdriver is power. Torque is a fancy term to describe a twisting force that causes rotation. Electric screwdrivers aren't as powerful, have far less torque, and are therefore only good for screwing and unscrewing things that already have screw holes. If you are putting screws into something that doesn't already have a hole, you want a drill. To put a hole in something you use a drill bit (makes a hole). Drills often come with bits that let you put screws into something. When I'm drilling something into a wall, I will often pre-drill a hole smaller than the screw I'm going to use so that the screw goes in easier, then change the bit and use the drill to drive the screw into the wall. Post on here or PM me when you get the drill in and I'll try and walk you through installing the blinds.

 

Believe it or not, none of the above contains euphemism of any kind.

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"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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41 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Incidentally, the main difference between a drill and an electric screwdriver is power. Torque is a fancy term to describe a twisting force that causes rotation. Electric screwdrivers aren't as powerful, have far less torque, and are therefore only good for screwing and unscrewing things that already have screw holes. If you are putting screws into something that doesn't already have a hole, you want a drill. To put a hole in something you use a drill bit (makes a hole). Drills often come with bits that let you put screws into something. When I'm drilling something into a wall, I will often pre-drill a hole smaller than the screw I'm going to use so that the screw goes in easier, then change the bit and use the drill to drive the screw into the wall. Post on here or PM me when you get the drill in and I'll try and walk you through installing the blinds.

 

Believe it or not, none of the above contains euphemism of any kind.

Thanks! I had a feeling that was mostly it, but my father was also complaining that he couldn’t find his electric screwdriver to try it for the blinds, so I wasn’t sure if it would actually do the same job. 
 

tbh when the drill gets here I’m probably going to hand it to my father and make him do it all. Hmm. Now that I’ve written that out I feel like being spiteful and doing it all myself to make him feel even more useless. Stay tuned lol. 

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1 hour ago, fleaball said:

bh when the drill gets here I’m probably going to hand it to my father and make him do it all. Hmm. Now that I’ve written that out I feel like being spiteful and doing it all myself to make him feel even more useless. Stay tuned lol. 

You can totally do it.

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