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Salinger's thirty third challenge!


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Guys, i did it.....

 

I drove there (8 mins) and felt so sick and scared. Got in, sorted membership card out, they showed me round a bit, then i went to changing rooms. Got ready. No one stared at me at all (i dont think) it wasnt packed...

 

I did 30 mins swimming!! up and down the lane. With some breathers in between. My fingers got cramp a little bit towards the end. But i felt fine! 

 

I feel exhausted now! Drinking a tea. Might nap. 

 

I popped into the shops on the way home, got salad stuff, chicken, cheese etc. Need to make sure im eating ok. 

 

Feels good to have been ! Kinda shocked i did it xx

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Hey all.    Here is my new challenge.    I am focusing on eating right, eating home cooked food as much as i can.    I have had tests recently and have high cholesterol,

Hi all. I got back to Manchester around 2 ... it is now 5.45pm.    this morning we decided on stuff for cremation, i had to leave room after and lay in the spare room and sobbed. A real gutt

Guys, i did it.....   I drove there (8 mins) and felt so sick and scared. Got in, sorted membership card out, they showed me round a bit, then i went to changing rooms. Got ready. No one sta

Hey, struggling today. :( crap. 

 

Feel like im stuck in a pool of tar, cant move much, slowly suffocating :(

 

Feel like im BORED feeling this way, and want dad back now. Does not feel real, in any way shape or form. 

 

Im so so so exhausted, constantly too. Which isnt helping things. 

 

Will rewrite diary (i spilled juice on it this morn) then perhaps run a bath. Might help? 

 

Also, i miss my friends here, its real quiet, i wonder why?!

 

I feel lonely. 

 

Trying to pick myself up, feel better but its so fucking tough to do. xx

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Maybe your friends are unsure whether they can call you to hang out just after your father passed. Could you reach out to them? You don't have to be lonely!!!!! ( Call me if you like! <3)

 

diary sounds very good, bath as well! 

 

hang in there Sal!!! ❤️

 

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1 hour ago, fearless 2.0 said:

Maybe your friends are unsure whether they can call you to hang out just after your father passed. Could you reach out to them? You don't have to be lonely!!!!! ( Call me if you like! <3)

 

diary sounds very good, bath as well! 

 

hang in there Sal!!! ❤️

 

 

My in real life friends are amazing right now, messaging me every day and making plans to meet up etc. 

 

I just meant, its quiet on here...miss Jason and Aramis!!!! Thank ful you are around FL ❤️

 

_____

 

My bath was great, hot and bubbles. Lovely. 

 

Oh....Last week an old friend sent me a free subscription to this app by Sam Harris (Author, neuroscientist, philosopher)  https://www.wakingup.com

Waking Up is a guide to understanding the mind, for the purpose of living a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Join Sam Harris as he explores the practice of meditation and examines the theory behind it.


It is really good...

Daily meditation (done the past three days!!!)

And also theory behind it all...i'm listening to a podcast from Harris, with Leo Babauta who founded Zen Habits. ( https://zenhabits.net/about ) 

Really interesting. And calming. Ive been struggling so much today and i had a bath listening. Now on the sofa with it on, sipping tea. xx

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11 hours ago, Salinger said:

 

My in real life friends are amazing right now, messaging me every day and making plans to meet up etc. 

 

I just meant, its quiet on here...miss Jason and Aramis!!!! Thank ful you are around FL ❤️

 

_____

 

My bath was great, hot and bubbles. Lovely. 

 

Oh....Last week an old friend sent me a free subscription to this app by Sam Harris (Author, neuroscientist, philosopher)  https://www.wakingup.com

Waking Up is a guide to understanding the mind, for the purpose of living a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Join Sam Harris as he explores the practice of meditation and examines the theory behind it.


It is really good...

Daily meditation (done the past three days!!!)

And also theory behind it all...i'm listening to a podcast from Harris, with Leo Babauta who founded Zen Habits. ( https://zenhabits.net/about ) 

Really interesting. And calming. Ive been struggling so much today and i had a bath listening. Now on the sofa with it on, sipping tea. xx

Those guys are 100!!!!!! I love them too. :)

 

and yes, its quieter here... looking forward to the September one

 

Have a good day! ❤️

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Hey there Liz! 

I'm back, and catching up with your thread. Great you decided to go swimming! Didn't went that bad, right? Next time will be even better :) 

Meditation sounds good too - I never got the hang of it, but the time I tried mindfulness, it felt calming. 

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3 hours ago, fearless 2.0 said:

Those guys are 100!!!!!! I love them too. :)

 

and yes, its quieter here... looking forward to the September one

 

Have a good day! ❤️

 

Hey FL :)

 

A friend told me Sam Harris is a bit of a right wing nut job? :( made me sad really... pisses me off!! But im going to stick with it cos i do enjoy it, at least he isnt talking about right wing stuff on the app. 

 

Hope you have a good day too. xx

 

 

3 minutes ago, aramis said:

Hey there Liz! 

I'm back, and catching up with your thread. Great you decided to go swimming! Didn't went that bad, right? Next time will be even better :) 

Meditation sounds good too - I never got the hang of it, but the time I tried mindfulness, it felt calming. 

 

ARAMIS :D

 

SO good to hear from you. I missed you a lot. 

 

No it was totally fine, swimming. 

 

Yes im trying hard to do things that may help me cope. xx

 

 

________

 

Hey all. 12.45pm, slept terribly last night, so im exhausted. 

 

Im restless and headachey and bored and feel desperately sad and want to call my dad. 

 

Anyway. I dont know if to go to the gym...maybe i wil try to go soon. 

 

Im not that hungry but want to eat 😕 i might make a cup of tea instead. I have some music on as couldnt stand the silence. 

Jacks is fast asleep on my bed, lucky guy!!!!

 

Looking at my diary, i dont have LOADS to do today, but i do need to tidy and clean :( boring. So much fucking effort you know. 

 

I keep thinking im making excuses to not do stuff....but .. my dad died. Very recently. Im allowed to want to scream into the void and cry and sleep. I need to remember that. Stop giving myself a massively hard time. 

 

So im trying to decide what to do this afternoon... any thoughts, let me know xx

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7 minutes ago, Salinger said:

I need to remember that. Stop giving myself a massively hard time. 

True. 

 

But on the other hand - don't let grief take over everything else. You still have your own life to live.

 

I'd say - do some cleaning (let's say... 30 minutes), then go to the gym to get some move. After that, eat something tasty, and if feeling this way, do some more cleaning. Remember - in clean flat you feel better. This effort isn't pointless - it is an investment in your better mood.

 

Oh, and before anything else - get the windows open and air the flat!

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54 minutes ago, aramis said:

True. 

 

But on the other hand - don't let grief take over everything else. You still have your own life to live.

 

I'd say - do some cleaning (let's say... 30 minutes), then go to the gym to get some move. After that, eat something tasty, and if feeling this way, do some more cleaning. Remember - in clean flat you feel better. This effort isn't pointless - it is an investment in your better mood.

 

Oh, and before anything else - get the windows open and air the flat!

 

 

I think as its only been 3/4 weeks...i need to remember that. I need TIME and space to accept what happened. Dad was my best friend, i have lost the most important person in my life. 

 

But yes agree i should be aware of the grief and how i react to it. 

 

I did a little cleaning (15 mins) then made a cup of tea. I have done a little work too. I think ill go for a short stroll...i dont really want to see people at the gym :(  but i have booked a swim session for tomorrow morning. Which will be nice i hope??

 

Am i slacking off? Maybe. I cant stop bursting into tears though and the thought of people around me is sickening. 

 

I think i will make a nice dinner, maybe even a roast of sorts? Chicken, vegetables, roast potatos and gravy yumm. 

For that ... i need a cleaner kitchen so that will spur me on to tidy up more. 

 

I have opened the windows Aramis :) thanks for the tip!!!! xx

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23 hours ago, fearless 2.0 said:

cooking always puts me into a much calmer mindset... go ahead with it if you have the energy ! :)

 

Im cooking the roast dinner NOW .... last night i had pizza because i was lazy :( xx

 

6 hours ago, Echoceanic said:

I'm glad you're taking the time, but also recognising that you need to take care of yourself. 

 

Thank you Echo xx

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Hey all. 6.15pm. MONDAY bank holiday. 

 

Had a sad day again, normal at the moment, shouldnt beat myself up about it i know. 

 

But spoke to my mum at 4pm for an hour and she helped me a bit ❤️ she motivated me to get UP out of bed, clean the kitchen and cook dinner. Which i am. Mash potato, chicken, veg and gravy. Chicken is just cooking now. 

 

Im starving, eaten nothing today except toast at 11.30am. :o need to do better. 

 

I also spoke to my mum about houses, and that i want to buy somewhere...but i will never be able to afford it. There is a rent to buy scheme though, where you pay rent for 5 years and at end you can purchase the place. interesting. 

 

Im also going to make an appointment with CAB (citizens advice) about how to get my credit score better, its AWFUL right now :(

 

and that is going to stop me getting mortgage blah blah blah. 

 

I need to start saving, doing better with money. If i ever want my own place. It would be nice right!!!!? 

 

Something to focus on anyway... xx

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1 hour ago, Salinger said:

Mash potato, chicken, veg and gravy. Chicken is just cooking now. 

Yum!

 

1 hour ago, Salinger said:

Im also going to make an appointment with CAB (citizens advice) about how to get my credit score better, its AWFUL right now :(

 

and that is going to stop me getting mortgage blah blah blah. 

This seems like a good first step, figuring out how to improve your credit score so you can make a plan and start doing it.

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6 hours ago, Ranger Hal said:

Yum!

 

This seems like a good first step, figuring out how to improve your credit score so you can make a plan and start doing it.

 

Was tasty, Hal :)

 

Thank you, yes...just waiting till morning so i can call them. xx

 

______

 

Hi its 2.30am :o i went to sleep at 7pm ffs, and woke around midnight and cant sleep now. Its 3 weeks to the day/minute since my dad passed away. He died 11th Aug at 2.30am :(

 

Surreal and sad ....

 

Trying not to think about it though. 

 

Been looking at houses...and reading about mortgages. So complicated haha hope after i chat to the CAB, i feel better and more equipped going forward. Long process though and i need to be patient. 

 

Jackson is bloody crying like mad, wanting to go out the front door?! i NEVER let him out the front, so he always tries to escape haha bloody moaning like mad, doing my head in. 

 

Im kinda hungry and thinking about a cheese toastie? If i have any bread, which is unlikely. 

 

xx 

 

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Hi, so ive done a LOT today....

 

Sorted/booked in my MOT (25th September!)

 

Then i had an hour chat (webchat) with National Debtline. She was amazing, so much good advice. My credit score is very very poor, and if i want to buy a house, i need to improve it by a lot. 

So shes suggested a few things. One issue is my overdraft. £2000 overdrawn , she suggested i use another bank to open an account, transfer all incomes and outgoings from the new account. So nothing goes out or in, to the current bank account i have. 

 

Then set up a direct debit to pay off the overdraft each month, bit by bit. 

 

So ive sorted all that out :D 

 

Also credit card bills and payday loans :(  but im on the right track!!!

 

Ive also written a funding application ... first draft. 

 

And sorted out my online gallery, submissions, and chosen the artists for the next show. Emailed them all and made a poster announcing it. Phew. 

 

Im starving so going to eat something. Then i may try to nap for 30 mins. 

 

Im meeting a friend at 7 for a couple of drinks. Nothing serious though, as i have therapy at 10 am tmoro, and then off to mums. xx

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4 hours ago, aramis said:

Hey Liz! How's going?

Thinking of you. 

 

Hey Aramis, This morning was the cremation. Was really so tough 😞 so strange seeing a coffin . But mum had lots of flowers from the garden to put on there, and we read out letters to him. Then sang a song he used to sing to us when we were younger, as he went in 😞 

 

didnt know I could cry this much... I have a pain within me. 

 

Im at mums and will stay tonight and be back in Manchester tomorrow lunch time. There for the weekend then I go away for 4 days to the lakes. Walking and sleeping I hope!? 

 

For now, a nap xx

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A couple of thoughts:

1) Someone once told me that a sad event has an allotment of tears. At some point you need to let all those tears out. Trying to hold it in just prolongs the pain, but trying to get it all out at once just makes you even more miserable. So, I was told to accept that the tears will come, and that I have no control over how many tears there are and I have a little control over when they come. But in the beginning there are just so many that it feels like they will never stop. But after you've let enough out, you can be more in control. Does that make sense? It helped me.

2) My grandmother had some great mechanisms for dealing with the passing of her parents. When her father died, she got in the habit of going into the yard and looking for four leaf clovers. She said while she was doing that she was talking to her father the whole time. When sh found a four leaf clover (she always did, though it might take a while) she said she knew that he had heard her. When her mother died many years later, she took up quilting. It was something my great grandmother did and so she used that as her time to talk to her mother. Fast forward and now my mother has taken up quilting and uses that time to talk to both of them. Maybe you can find something to do while thinking about your father? 

 

Hang in there. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things, keep it up.

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Hey @GoodDoug thanks for your lovely advice. Really appreciate you writing to me. Its a nice idea, i will have a think ❤️

 

 

______

 

1pm, home in Manchester now. Feel EXHAUSTED with grief. Exhausted with stress. 

 

Its ok though. I need to write down my diary....and i have a list of things to get done today. 

 

TIDY TIDY TIDY...

Press release for exhibition

Promotion of exhibition

Promotion of things for sale.... 

WORK WORK WORK. 

 

SO much more but i cba to write it all down (its in my notepad :P

 

ill be pleased if i get most of it done. AND be so so pleased if i clean and make the place nice. Doesnt need to be spotless but tidy, sorted, smelling nice etc is important. Oh and make my bed and put bins out. (my least fave job!)

 

ill put some music on and get going in a moment. Then break for cuppa and cuddles with Jackson. Then get on with work....phew.... xx

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