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Bean Sidhe Vs Chaos: Time loop/ Alternate Timeline Something


Bean Sidhe

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bd8c10b924b4e3788ef876610ca992eb--make-p

So I am sitting here trying to convince myself to do my boxes and get back on track.

Due to some crazy stuff at work, I ended up having crap for food all week at lunch, and then eating more crap for dinner. As a result, my blood sugar is a bit weird. How do I know,  not by testing it, but by the fact one day at 4 pm I started getting moody at my coworkers. I need to get some stuff accomplished adn now I have what I want. A big kid job, with pay and things. Which I found out on Friday I start on... The day before.
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So I guess no awkward first day stuff. Needless to say, I still have a ton to figure out work wise. My knee doesn't hurt much, but it is still pretty swollen in one spot. So I have to still be calm with it, but I am need to get back to walking, and getting myself settled now that the world has made some decisions. And not push the knee either. Mom heard from the Dr and she didn't break her hip, its her arthritis that is all mad, so nothing we can do until it stops hurting. So she is now in this whole "Do my errands for me and clean my house" Bs, but she is still working so I guess that is something.But again, this is going to be a long term thing (I fear) so time to Adjust to it.

 


The problem is, I am done. I have nothing to go "hey lets do this" and its been like that for a bit.

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So I need to start slow. Maybe I see what I can do a day, but right now, I totally just want to be done for the month.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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So thing I realized Friday when we were at lunch as a group at work and a couple people started talking about heart attacks and things. But Basically Friday was the day my Dad would of collapsed last year. That makes Tomorrow (monday) the 1st anniversary of the day he passed on I guess.

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I didn't think this was bugging me, but maybe its part of my whole "why bother" feeling lately. I dunno. Its just a weird thing, since as soon as he died, I had to take over everything for my mom. I had to be the one thinking long term and short term. Its like it is the day of shouldering the world, even when all I wanted to do was grieve and miss my dad. But that never really happened, it was put out one fire and another and keep in school and keep my mom functional and my family and its been a year and in a few ways, it feels like nothing has changed.

This is a ramble in progress folks.  Long and short of it is, Its got me thinking and not in good ways. Maybe in the future, it won't be so bad, or I will have a handle on how to help Mom without going insane (Future challenge thing, she gets one thing a day from me, hopefully). But right now, I need to focus on so much, and I would honestly rather not and would at the same time.

Emotions are hard.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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So yeah, the week sucked. I never got back on boxes when I told myself each day "I need to do this."

Other fun stuff happened (Read that as Life sucks) but not really ready to deal  with it. MY knee doesn't hurt, but the swelling is down, so that is something. I really don't want to go get it looked at, but I may have to.  So this challenge is a bust. I fully admit I am fighting a battle here with that lovely depression monster and I don't think I am winning. But I don't care enough either, or maybe that is a symptom. I dunno. At this point, I just need to start. But why, something else will just go haywired and I will want to give up.

So yeah, Challenge failed. Going to try something easier next time, which makes me feel dumb since I should be able to do this, but I can't.

I swear, someone needs to take the 4th key already

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If only it was that easy.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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That 4th key sure is a doozy. -hugs-

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I never got back on boxes when I told myself each day "I need to do this."

I know this feeling. I have a lot of trouble with follow-through and it's always the worst when I say I'll do something and then don't, because then everyone knows I'm not doing what I'm supposed to and what a failure I am. The only thing I've found that works is to focus on being proud of the other things I have accomplished. It helps to go back through my challenge at the end: I can see some good things that happened and be proud of them again, and I can review all of the little things that got in the way and remind myself that I did have reasons not to do what I said I'd do; I did have unexpected crazy; I did work hard despite not winning exactly the way I'd planned. And I can read over the words of encouragement others gave me before and get those boosts again.

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I fully admit I am fighting a battle here with that lovely depression monster and I don't think I am winning. But I don't care enough either, or maybe that is a symptom. I dunno.

It is ok to feel this way. It sucks, and it can feel like it's getting in the way of living your life, but also remember that this is your life. We all know how hard you work and how hard you try. Whatever you're doing, however much you're doing, is your best, but you're always doing your best. I know it doesn't feel that way when you don't perform the way you wanted to, and I know it can suck to hear whatever you've deemed 'not good enough' is the most you can do, but I hope you can also give yourself the truly deserved credit that when you don't do everything you meant to it's because you were worn out from doing a hundred other things.

 

I know I haven't always been here, but whenever I am here, you are too, and always with your huge list of claims on your time and energy. I know you sometimes go and visit friends and found family, but in the past two or three years, have you ever taken a single restful vacation? I don't ask to attack you, and I'm not saying your exhaustion and burnout and depression are your own fault for not taking better care of yourself or some bullshit like that. What I mean is only that it's reasonable to feel the way you feel. It's ok to be tired. And it does suck, because it's not like you could've taken more time off and prevented this -- you're in this situation because you have to be, not because you want it, not because you did it to yourself. But maybe just try to acknowledge, if you can, that you are working really fucking hard and the way you're feeling is normal under the circumstances and not something to beat yourself up about.

 

And as always, remember that we love you and are here for you.

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On 9/5/2020 at 6:14 PM, Wobbegong said:

That 4th key sure is a doozy. -hugs-

Right.

 

On 9/5/2020 at 6:14 PM, Wobbegong said:

I know this feeling. I have a lot of trouble with follow-through and it's always the worst when I say I'll do something and then don't, because then everyone knows I'm not doing what I'm supposed to and what a failure I am. The only thing I've found that works is to focus on being proud of the other things I have accomplished. It helps to go back through my challenge at the end: I can see some good things that happened and be proud of them again, and I can review all of the little things that got in the way and remind myself that I did have reasons not to do what I said I'd do; I did have unexpected crazy; I did work hard despite not winning exactly the way I'd planned. And I can read over the words of encouragement others gave me before and get those boosts again.

 

I wish I could feel proud about stuff. Honestly, you have no idea how hard that is for me. I mean anytime I have ever tried to be proud of myself, someone rips it down. (This is something I realized in my new challenge post).  I am going to try adn see what I can do here, but mainly, I just gave up being proud about myself long ago. It practically gives me a panic attack when someone says "Hey whats a good thing about yourself"

 

 

On 9/5/2020 at 6:14 PM, Wobbegong said:

It is ok to feel this way. It sucks, and it can feel like it's getting in the way of living your life, but also remember that this is your life. We all know how hard you work and how hard you try. Whatever you're doing, however much you're doing, is your best, but you're always doing your best. I know it doesn't feel that way when you don't perform the way you wanted to, and I know it can suck to hear whatever you've deemed 'not good enough' is the most you can do, but I hope you can also give yourself the truly deserved credit that when you don't do everything you meant to it's because you were worn out from doing a hundred other things.

 

Thank you. I am a bit of mess right now, and I needed to hear this.

 

On 9/5/2020 at 6:14 PM, Wobbegong said:

I know I haven't always been here, but whenever I am here, you are too, and always with your huge list of claims on your time and energy. I know you sometimes go and visit friends and found family, but in the past two or three years, have you ever taken a single restful vacation? I don't ask to attack you, and I'm not saying your exhaustion and burnout and depression are your own fault for not taking better care of yourself or some bullshit like that. What I mean is only that it's reasonable to feel the way you feel. It's ok to be tired. And it does suck, because it's not like you could've taken more time off and prevented this -- you're in this situation because you have to be, not because you want it, not because you did it to yourself. But maybe just try to acknowledge, if you can, that you are working really fucking hard and the way you're feeling is normal under the circumstances and not something to beat yourself up about.

 

My last restful non-family vacation was my honeymoon probably. We have been married 18 years now. Beyond that, nothing was ever an option, and even when I take a "day off" I still have stuff to do. And I know I am doing stuff and keeping the word turning, but again, its hard not to when you make the joking claim of "I am done, I quit" and you  hear a little voice say "But Mommy, you can't quit, who would keep the world turning."  I just don't want to have to keep it running anymore, but no one else will do it. So this is my life and I am just trying to not fail too hard at it.

 

On 9/5/2020 at 6:14 PM, Wobbegong said:

And as always, remember that we love you and are here for you.

Thanks, this out of everything is so helpful since I can say things here I can't say anywhere else.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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On 9/5/2020 at 9:53 PM, Tateman said:

damn 4th key!

 

Its not my favorite that is for sure.

 

On 9/5/2020 at 9:53 PM, Tateman said:

Hopefully, you won't have to get your knee looked at. also, depression stuff really sucks :(

I dunno. I keep flipping back and forth on the knee thing. The big thing is if I have to get it looked at, what happens to the world around me?

Yeah, Depression is a jerk.

Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream - C.S. Lewis

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