• Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

Bean Sidhe

Bean Si Vs Chaos – The Emotions

Recommended Posts

16 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Thank you for seeing it that way. I am trying to tell myself I am doing something which is better than nothing, but my brain is on "You are being a lazy bum and can you try any more to do nothing?"

I have a friend who says, "Please invite me to things. I am probably never going to come, but just getting the invitation makes me feel loved and remembered." I feel like us on NF to tell you you're OK is kind of the same. You may be super pissed off at yourself and you may think you don't deserve the praise or the reassurance, but it's always nice to hear it and even if you think it's bouncing off your armor, maybe it gets in the little chinks and cracks and seams and you get to feel even a little percentage of the love being sent your way. Which you totally deserve, even if your brain is attacking you.

 

I hope that made any sense? TL:DR ima keep sending positive vibes your way whether you want them or not

 

16 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Day 3

I am not dead. I walked twice today, only worked an hour overtime, I drank water, I ate my apricots and probiotic and banana and dates and I posted here. (the good news is, this list keeps growing so I am seeing some positives, but.... see below)

 

GOOD JOB!!!!!

 

16 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I saw mom and got chewed out because I had a 3 day weekend because its a holiday and she doesn't? Not sure how this is my fault, but she asked about my day at work (for the first time ever since the new job). Only to get on my case about how can I even have a good day? No one ever has a good day at work.  And the scale went up, but not surprised there.

 

God damn it I hate this toxicity for you.

 

16 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I should take this as a for the day as a win that I did stuff , but well, my bad headspace is only getting worse. Right now, I really am my own worst enemy. I know if I do more, I will feel better, but I need to not be so tired to start moving to do the stuff to get the energy to do more, but I don't wanna start. Dumb negative feedback loop. 

 

Depression lies

 

16 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Gonna stop making the thoughts in my head external now.

 

Don't do that. Get them out. It's like when you really need to barf - just get it out. Don't let the stuff that's hurting you stay in your brain

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

OMG your mother...😟 I would not have the patience to deal with her whatsoever. Do your best to not let her negativity spread to you. Anything she has a problem with is all her, not you. *hugs*

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

I have a friend who says, "Please invite me to things. I am probably never going to come, but just getting the invitation makes me feel loved and remembered." I feel like us on NF to tell you you're OK is kind of the same. You may be super pissed off at yourself and you may think you don't deserve the praise or the reassurance, but it's always nice to hear it and even if you think it's bouncing off your armor, maybe it gets in the little chinks and cracks and seams and you get to feel even a little percentage of the love being sent your way. Which you totally deserve, even if your brain is attacking you.

 

This is me. I love being invited to things, and I generally try to go if at all possible, but its the being thought of as a person. I mean, Life right now is chaos, and there are times I just feel like I am still putting out fires. So I keep going but there are days, I just need to hear that i am not the burden I feel like that people do like me and that they are grateful to have me around, not because I do things for them, but because I am me.

 

 

7 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

I hope that made any sense? TL:DR ima keep sending positive vibes your way whether you want them or not

 

Thank you, I appreciate it.,

 

7 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

GOOD JOB!!!!!

 

Not being dead is a step.

 

7 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

God damn it I hate this toxicity for you.

She has been bad most of my life. when her life is "out of control" or stressful, she wants others to feel the same. That whole misery loves company thing.  When Dad had his stroke and was around, she split it between us. She doesn't aim much at my brother because then he won't visit. When Dad died, I became the bearer of this. I know what she is doing, but it still hurts and sucks and can turn a good day into mush. I need to get back to where it didn't effect me as much, but lately, that has been hard. Mostly because it takes energy, that just isn't there.

 

 

7 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

I think this is the first link I have read in a long time. It helps, and I know my anxiety and depression are a mess (partially due to shark week) but just from all the changes and the chaos in the world. reading this did help, so thank you.

 

 

7 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

 

Don't do that. Get them out. It's like when you really need to barf - just get it out. Don't let the stuff that's hurting you stay in your brain


I am trying not to. The problem is, sometimes that rabbit hole is awful deep and scary and I stop because I can't face it. I keep hoping things will calm down, I will settle into the new job (Today I learned I can get mileage for driving all over town). but then mom calls and says she has 10 wasps in the house and I need to be over there in the AM to deal with it. Every time I think I will catch a break, watch something else break. And sadly, I am just tired of all of it.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, zeroh13 said:

OMG your mother...😟 I would not have the patience to deal with her whatsoever. Do your best to not let her negativity spread to you. Anything she has a problem with is all her, not you. *hugs*

I know her issues. I became a caretaker when my Dad had his stroke, and while he was alive, I thought I was only trying to take care of him. now I know I was taking care of both of them from the day of his stroke. Only, he ended up dying and I had to hold her up. Then she finds out she needs a hip replacement at 64 and its another thing that she has to be miserable about besides the pain. She is miserable and must make others join her. Shes depressed and anxious and can't admit it. This whole process was something no one expected and I took the reins and have been keeping her going. I do it partially out of love, but also partially out of fear. If I don't pay her bills, she will not do it and then lose the house and move in here. If I don't help her at her house, again, she may need to live here. And that is something that I CANNOT do.

Being a care taker is hard, especially when she doesn't want to admit there are issues. But if I don't help her, and she fails, what was smaller work could become bigger work if I have to go in and fix things after the fact as opposed to heading it off and possibly preventing it.

So yeah, I am trying to avoid her negativity, but when I am already not in my  best mind frame, it just gets to me more than if I was doing what I needed to to be better for me, which will hopefully start soon when I have energy to think about it.

 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day 4 (I think)


I am alive, I have thrown away some tumble fur weeds, I found out I can get mileage for the new job, and may be able to back date it since I have been driving around like a mad person the last few weeks. I walked in the AM, but no other time. I had lunch with the family, but had to rush out since I was running late.  I ended up working 2.5 hours overtime when everyone else was released an hour early.  At least I will get paid for that.

Mom just called, 10 wasps downstairs. I get to go over at 830 AM and deal with the house before the exterminator comes. Then do the rest of her saturday list. Going to hopefully go to bed early.

Also, I am seeing the roots of some problems, which is good, but man it will need SOO many spoons that just are not there. Mentor (who works like 20+ hours overtime a week) told me to stop being like him and that I looked "rough" and "tired" and "melted". Yeah, that happens when I am pulled so far into so many directions and still feel like I am not making progress.

OH well, Dinner should be here soon. Then maybe bed before 11. Hasn't happened yet this week.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am alive.  I am posting.

Today is going to suck, no matter what.  And my anxiety hates me.

The exterminator came over the weekend and my mom had probably 20 wasps in the house. He killed them but couldn't find a nest, so someone else is supposed to call today and go over. Mom is at work and said me or Hubby could deal with it. But Hubby has to get his cars oil change and my car just had the check engine light go back on AGAIN. (pretty sure its a sensor that got unhappy after fixing the exhaust, but still).

I have a Dr appointment with the general practitioner to look at my knee. Best case, I see the GP, they send me to ortho who does an MRI and says "Oh cool, just fluid, lets drain that". Worst case, I see the GP and I get to see ortho At some point? I see the dr at 10:40, and I need to show them all my new insurance stuff. so I am nervous about how that will work. I kinda at least want to see Ortho today and get the MRI (if possible) so I have a game plan on what they want to do. But this means possibly blocking off the whole day to deal with this. But Its been 2 months, it is still fairly swollen. I need to get it dealt with, even if my anxiety is saying I am going to need a replacement knee and be laid up for months.  And then what will happen to my mom and will she try to take her dog back when that will be a bigger issue than me watching with a bad knee.

I got an email for work last night (at 9 30) from a secretary at another building (which I do support) asking me to come in and work with her on Monday (A work HOLIDAY) on a thing that needs done by Tuesday afternoon. I have most of Tuesday booked, so I don't know if I can get her in Tuesday. I have an email into my coworker and boss. Coworker offered to call her on Tuesday but I don't see that doing anything because she will need more help than just a phone call.

I have a garden to pull. A house to clean and some rest to get since this upcoming week is the first of the big things that are going to break and make work harder.  My mom is bitching about wanting Christmas lists (has since Sept) and I just don't care.

I kinda want to look at the new challenge, but until I know what is going on with my knee, it seems like a not so great idea because what if I do get laid up for a bit.

So much for getting rest this weekend like coworker who doesn't want to deal with the secretary until Tuesday said.

  • Sad 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I got an email for work last night (at 9 30) from a secretary at another building (which I do support) asking me to come in and work with her on Monday (A work HOLIDAY) on a thing that needs done by Tuesday afternoon. I have most of Tuesday booked, so I don't know if I can get her in Tuesday. I have an email into my coworker and boss. Coworker offered to call her on Tuesday but I don't see that doing anything because she will need more help than just a phone call.

First of all, No. Not unless you're getting holiday pay and then also NO. You deserve your three day weekend and this very very nice lady's time management problem doesn't change that.

4b97fa47f73b4d2a48323a6e169298fe.png

 

2 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I kinda want to look at the new challenge, but until I know what is going on with my knee, it seems like a not so great idea because what if I do get laid up for a bit.

Ugh. I hate a holding pattern. 

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

First of all, No. Not unless you're getting holiday pay and then also NO. You deserve your three day weekend and this very very nice lady's time management problem doesn't change that.

4b97fa47f73b4d2a48323a6e169298fe.png

 

Basically< I ended up dealing with the very nice lady and her issues. Mostly to save myself time (hopefully) when she breaks something. But it was a 45 minute phone call of "What do I do next?" I told her I was sure we would talk in the office tomorrow as well. Yes this is partially her time management problems, partially she has been in this job 5 minutes and partially the employeer's fault for saying "Do this complex Job that can be very confusing if new in 5 days and have 3 of them be the weekend"

 

 

 

5 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

Ugh. I hate a holding pattern. 

Holding pattern over, we have a path, now to hope it works.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow, I am on like twice in the same day

 

Work - Dealt with the lady with issues. I helped her and told her I was unavailable after 2:30 (dr appt). I have not see anything since but she may still email. Ugh. Boss said after I was on the phone it was my decision to talk to her. But my big thing here is, if she breaks something because I don't help her, the OT will make me insane.

Mom vs Wasps. - Exterminator finally called to schedule the inspector at 4 pm. They will come on Tuesday. Hubby promised to be there, so I am less worried. at least he got to go to the dr with me about the knee.  Now to wait to see what he says


My knee - So good news is, no surgery and nothing looks out of "place". No MRI, but based on the fact its been 2 months and the knee is stable, hes fairly certain its not anything too scary. Bad news is my life of treating my knees like crap is back to haunt me. I had surgery on that knee about 20 years ago to fix a small tear in the cartilage. Apparently after 10-15 years some arthritis can develop in it. When I fell, I basically "hit a hornets nest" and pissed it off and now it is swollen because it is mad. First plan is 6 days of massive steroids (On a week that WILL SUCK) for work. So Roid rage will be fun. I start those in the AM. If the steroids don't decrease the fluid level in the knee (because they think its fluid, but did not do an MRI), then it will be cortisone shots basically.  If that doesn't work then its the MRI and see what else I pissed off. but if it is arthritis, this can be a chronic thing and I will just have to go in whenever I piss it off.

So yea, I start steroids tomorrow. I kinda want it to work, and I kinda don't so that its not that chronic. And I don't sit here and go "Knee replacements" are in my future.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Post 3 in one day, but this is a call for support and love.

I found out about 3 hours ago a member of chosen family took his own life. No idea what happened, but I was notified by my sister, his roommate who is devastated.  She had no idea why. She is holding togetherish because she had a job. I am not. This is the piss icing on the shit cake of 2020 as one sister put it.

I wish he would of talked to me, TO ANYONE. We were not as close, but my heart goes out to my sisters and brothers.

I am done. I am over this whole mess.

  • Sad 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

I am so so sorry. My heart hurts for you. Sending all my love and prayers for your and your chosen family. Take care and we love you

*hugs* thank you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Day I dunno

I am up, I am dressed and trying to get ready for work. I don't want to go because I know office roomie had a 4 day weekend of puppy sitting and time off. So she is going to be all cheerful, rested and happy. And I just sit here and go "I don't want to go in, but staying home wouldn't be better." I think if its possible I am more tired than I was friday and I have meetings and trainings all day

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I missed a day but am here again.

Work is bonkers and deadlines changed for the group that I support and all of them looked at me and said "So did this change?" and I shrugged.

Mom is a piece of work. PT changed days so I may not be over there 4 days a week instead of 3 since she can barely walk. They moved her from Water therapy to gym therapy 1 day a week and she is hurting.

Sister B came over last night. We were talking that morning and both needed family time. She works 3rd shift so it can be hard to get together. We both missed him, but both realize its not going to hurt as much since we didn't see him daily and agreed we are worried for those who did. IT was good to see her, but now I miss Chosen family all the more.

Got an update on my grandma. She saw a dr today (first since the hospital). Not great news, and she is so confused she is not taking meds, so my aunt will be trying to get her to take them.

Knee swelling may be down, but its hurting again, so anxiety me is a mess

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For whatever reason, maybe its hope, I am trying to think about next challenge. I am seriously thinking about calling it something on the order of Bean Sidhe walks into the fire since its going to be that kinda world for a bit.

Reason 1: Work gets weird starting Monday and will go through week 1 of weird, then the OTHER HALF of everything does it a week later. I am expecting overtime and late nights and chaos. I keep referring to the fact I gave everyone gasoline and matches and now to contain the fire, but that is the days the matches get lit. Boss is being great about "Take time off and see the family" but I feel like there is a ton of pressure on me (not from him, other department directors) to make sure this goes well. UGH

 

Reason 2: the knee. I have not idea what is going on with it. Hubby says the swelling looks down, but if it doesn't go away by next Wednesday, then I need to go back to the dr with cortisone shots as the next answer

Reason 3: The Parent... She started new PT (1 day out of pool, one day in back to back) and its been bad and shes well Mom

 

Reason 4: Grief and shock over the loss of my friend. I am also trying to support those hit harder by this since they saw him more. Which is draining sometimes, but I am dealing with it because I know its even harder on them.

 

Reason 5: the kids school changes and I don't know what that means yet for day to day stuff.

 

Reason 6: Part of me needs to get back to doing what is good for me since it will help.  But there is so much uncertainty (see above) on top of pandemic world that it is hard. So I look at the challenge and start to panic I am going to mess it up, then I say do just 1 or 2 things, but then what if I end up needing the cortisone shot and am not allowed to do stuff.

 

Reason 7 People (mom) are already all wound up about Christmas and I can barely get through today and stuff due in the next 3 days.

Reason 8: Still not sure my Grandma is out of the woods. Turns out she is still retaining fluid and refuses the Oxygen from time to time and is confused from the brain damage so forgets why she is on Oxygen or the meds.

And then the anxiety and the depression go to work with panic and overthinking. And the "But what if the weather gets worse and walking at lunch becomes a no way" and then the fear of failure and more emotions and stress and I get stuck at what to do. So then I just spin and spin and spin. so no good plan here. No good answer for "hey, here is what to do" .  Just concern and chaos and  I need to make some decisions.

Anyone got ideas? How do I handle this. I know I can do the full challenge I set up this time and I should, but I see the "Or not" option being too close. Especially if I can't walk as much or cannot exercise. Then what? Why can't someone just do the "and this is what to do to make this all better and lose the weight" moments. Rant over.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry I wasn't here to give you good vibes and internet hugs for your loss :(

 

That's a whole lot to deal with during next challenge. If there is some reason you can't walk, there are other things you can do for exercises. Maybe time to pick up some yoga or stretching :)  

  • Thanks 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Tateman said:

I'm sorry I wasn't here to give you good vibes and internet hugs for your loss :(

No worries, I Know others have lives and while it still hurts, I am doing better than others.

 

 

17 hours ago, Tateman said:

That's a whole lot to deal with during next challenge. If there is some reason you can't walk, there are other things you can do for exercises. Maybe time to pick up some yoga or stretching :)  


I do the yoga and stretches anyway, but I just worry that I am not going to be able to do those either. There is so much uncertainty and not in the BIG world picture, but rather the small world picture that I should have control over.
 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

New fun thing, my middle finger on my left hand has felt jammed or something for a couple of days now. Its not swollen around a knuckle. FML.

I still don't have a good plan. Hoping to work on challenge stuff today. But I was also told by the boss not to work this weekend, so I am trying to avoid it. I have people (not boss) reaching out to me, but yeah,

Honestly, right now, I just wanna go "And everything will be fine" when I am not sure it is.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.