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SkyGirl

Lightbearer: Perception

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Hey guys! I wasn't quite sure what direction I wanted to take my first story segment for this challenge, so rather than getting hung up on that, I would rather leave a placeholder and come back in a bit.  :) 

 

This challenge will be a bit choppy because I'm traveling during Week One and will be very busy, so I may not be online much at all that week. But overall, my goals are very straightforward:

 

  • Eat food, but especially vegetables.
  • Sleep, especially earlier at night.
  • Move, especially outside.
  • Emote, especially complex emotions.

That's it, that's the challenge.  :P  I have been eating inconsistently and mostly carbs; I have been trying to move my sleep schedule earlier and mostly failing (currently almost 1AM and my legs are twitching and I can barely keep my eyes open, so I've got to go in a second); I've been scrolling on my phone for hours instead of exercising; and I've been either getting overwhelmed by, or otherwise ignoring, complex emotions and letting them whir uncomfortably in my head. All of these things lead me to feeling constantly drained - but they're all things I can change, too, with effort.  ❤️  

 

Basically:

 

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And on that note, I'd better go to bed before I fall asleep on the couch again.  ❤️  More tomorrow but I wanted to get something up, just to get the ball rolling!

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Following along again - I always find some really good insights on your thread; I'll try and keep up well enough this time to actually comment on them!

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Hi guys! I'm so glad you're here!  ❤️  I don't think we have any new folks here at the moment, but just in case, my name is Sky and I've been a Ranger for just over 4 years. While these years have definitely seen me grow in physical strength and fitness, a lot of the reason I'm here is for mental, emotional and spiritual fitness - when I joined, I was just out of a horrific year of graduate school, my mental health was down the drain, my eating was disordered, I had mostly toxic friendships, and I needed accountability to help me get back in control of myself and my life. Four years later, I have made huge strides in understanding and caring for myself - definitely through therapy and mentorship, but in large part due to the love and friendship I have found here in the Rebellion. I knew from the moment I joined that one day I wanted to be a Guild Leader and help other people who needed help like I did; and even though I'm not as constantly present here as I used to be or would like to be, keeping up with and supporting my friends here is still one of the most important parts of my life.

 

In the past, my challenges have been loftier, when I was in better health mentally.  :)  But for much of 2020, the things I've needed accountability for are basic adulting tasks: Eating well and enough, sleeping enough, moving my body, and tending to my emotions. I've dealt with anxiety for most of my life in various forms, and the events of this year, both generally and personally, have made it far more severe and intrusive than usual, impacting my self-care pretty significantly and sometimes even bleeding into the rest of my life. In the past, I was embarrassed to admit that I, a Guild Leader, sometimes struggled to manage basic tasks because my emotions and thoughts were simply too overwhelming. Surely the leaders should have their crap together, right?

 

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The answer to that is NO.  :)  We are regular humans with regular struggles, who just so happen to have asked for the privilege of sharing those struggles with you all and encouraging you in your own.  ❤️  I'm glad you're here to sit with me as I unpack my issues every couple of days, and I'm really looking forward to getting to know (or continuing to know!) you and supporting you in what you're working on this month.

 

- - - - - - - - - - -

 

As happens a lot at the beginning of challenges, my anxiety is pretty severe right now; and what's frustrating me most is that I don't know why. Usually I get anxious in response to a clearly identifiable trigger, but this time it is vague, diffuse and frustrating. I cried at therapy for the first time yesterday because my therapist said gently, "You know, sometimes you're not going to know why you're anxious. Sometimes it'll just be ... because." And I felt really tired and discouraged and powerless when she said that. Because when I have something to blame - a hard conversation, a stressful project at work, an old memory - then I have something to fix and work on and get past. But the last few weeks, nothing external has happened; I've either gotten hung up on hypothetical scenarios ("what will I do if _______, what if I'm just imagining ________, what if I mess up _______"), or just felt anxious for no reason at all.  :( 

 

Now, I'm aware that that's literally how anxiety works, not at all unusual, and something that many people deal with every single day.  :P  But it's new for me. I really don't remember ever feeling general anxiety that wasn't linked to a trigger. And that's - well, scary, especially since I'm feeling anxious anyway. Is this going to be part of my life for a while? Yesterday I had to postpone a meeting because I was too unwell to function; is that going to happen a lot? Do I need to change something I'm doing in order to feel better? How long will I be stuck in this cycle of good-day-bad-day-good-day-bad-day?

 

For now, I can't answer any of those questions. All I can do is continue to be kind and gentle with myself and wait.

 

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Tonight I have some tasks I need to do to prep for traveling this weekend (travel is definitely adding to my anxiety, btw - I'm not afraid of the virus, but flying is always disruptive for me even when things are normal and I'm traveling a lot for work; and this time I haven't left my area since February, so it feels even more daunting). I don't have a ton of energy but it will feel good to put things in order and make some progress on my list. I didn't take a walk today because I worked late and it was raining; in theory I would love to do a quick yoga video before bed, but if not, I'm going to vacuum and go up and down stairs with laundry, so that's a little something.  :D  Food was also pretty good today; I had two meals, still a bit starch-heavy, but both had veggies. 

 

Not sure when I'll get back and do my story, but I'll try to before the challenge is over!!  :P 

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Hey Sky. 

 

I live with quite severe anxiety, and its more often than not, not triggered by something major. 

 

Talking to friends about it helps me sometimes, playing with Jackson, sleeping, walking, listening to my favourite music, meditating (or literally sitting and counting my breathing) having a cry, distracting myself by watching sport or The Simpsons....

 

Of course, in the 'moment' sometimes i can not do ANY of these things. But i believe accepting that i am anxious, and not fighting it, or trying to rationalise it or make sense of WHY i feel this way....definitely helps. 

 

I also sometimes take beta blockers for the physical symptoms of anxiety (fast heart rate, sickness, sweating, lethargy) 

 

Its ok to feel this way Sky...i think if im being honest now, that having anxiety/bipolar, has changed my life in many ways. But powering through, taking advantage of the times im ok, working hard, having therapy, surrounding myself with good people...its not all been a negative experience.

 

I am a very sensitive person and that can be a bad thing at times, but its also meant i am compassionate, empathetic, loving, i experience art deeply, i care...thats not all bad is it :P

 

Love you Sky xx

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Last year at work we had this one particular fire alarm that would go off randomly. There were no triggers that we could figure out, and there was definitely no fire. Eventually the contractors came back to take a look, then after fixing it explained that it had just been wired up a little differently from the others.

 

I latched onto that as a symbolic image of my own general anxiety. The social anxiety, well, that was easy to figure out what triggered that. But the general? There would be times that my internal fire alarm would be shrieking and there would be no known cause or trigger in sight. It was frustrating, humiliating, and caused a great deal of despair. Like you, if I have something concrete then I have something I can work on, I have something I can fight. Not only can I work towards improving the situation, but the actions in themselves make me feel better. But not everything has to be a fight, like Salinger said, accepting that these are things you're feeling without trying to pin down a cause can help. Rather than looking at it as an alarm and gearing up to fight the fire, look at it as a puppy that's been left alone (for example). That's not something you fight, it's something you care for and comfort.

 

Obviously we're all different people and what works for one might not work for all. But you're not alone in this and I feel confident enough to speak for most and say we're more than happy to offer support and what coping strategies have worked for us, or just be there to vent to. You've got this, just keep being patient and kind to yourself.

 

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7 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

Last year at work we had this one particular fire alarm that would go off randomly. There were no triggers that we could figure out, and there was definitely no fire. Eventually the contractors came back to take a look, then after fixing it explained that it had just been wired up a little differently from the others.

 

I latched onto that as a symbolic image of my own general anxiety. The social anxiety, well, that was easy to figure out what triggered that. But the general? There would be times that my internal fire alarm would be shrieking and there would be no known cause or trigger in sight. It was frustrating, humiliating, and caused a great deal of despair. Like you, if I have something concrete then I have something I can work on, I have something I can fight. Not only can I work towards improving the situation, but the actions in themselves make me feel better. But not everything has to be a fight, like Salinger said, accepting that these are things you're feeling without trying to pin down a cause can help. Rather than looking at it as an alarm and gearing up to fight the fire, look at it as a puppy that's been left alone (for example). That's not something you fight, it's something you care for and comfort.

 

Obviously we're all different people and what works for one might not work for all. But you're not alone in this and I feel confident enough to speak for most and say we're more than happy to offer support and what coping strategies have worked for us, or just be there to vent to. You've got this, just keep being patient and kind to yourself.

 

Oh I needed that so much! Thanks friend ❤️ 

 

 

~~~

 

Sky, as someone who's been dealing with this for many many years, I see you and I understand ❤️ It's terrifying to not understand the why and given the need for control that often accompanies and exacerbates anxiety that out of control feeling is NO BUENO. 

 

It sucks and I'm sorry. But I'm 1) glad you're getting help for it and 2) starting to feel comfortable enough with your therapist to show her vulnerability. 

 

I hope your day is good today ❤️

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23 hours ago, Salinger said:

Talking to friends about it helps me sometimes, playing with Jackson, sleeping, walking, listening to my favourite music, meditating (or literally sitting and counting my breathing) having a cry, distracting myself by watching sport or The Simpsons....

 

Of course, in the 'moment' sometimes i can not do ANY of these things. But i believe accepting that i am anxious, and not fighting it, or trying to rationalise it or make sense of WHY i feel this way....definitely helps. 

 

Thank you Sal, I took several of these pieces of advice yesterday and today (let myself cry, listened to uplifting music, talked with a couple of friends, watched a funny show with Eamon) and it - didn't help, exactly, but it did get me through the day, if that makes sense?  ❤️  It really does give me courage knowing that so many of you all deal with this regularly and I'm not at all alone. I'm so grateful for your friendship and support.

 

The friends I talked to were Irwin and Katherine, who both have anxiety / depression, and honestly the best thing they did was gently remind me that a) I am not my anxiety, but a whole and loved person who happens to have anxiety; and b) just because I've had various forms of it for my whole life doesn't mean I "should" be dealing with it better by now. They reminded me that "should" is just myself making things harder and not a fair expectation in this case. 

 

19 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

I latched onto that as a symbolic image of my own general anxiety. The social anxiety, well, that was easy to figure out what triggered that. But the general? There would be times that my internal fire alarm would be shrieking and there would be no known cause or trigger in sight. It was frustrating, humiliating, and caused a great deal of despair. Like you, if I have something concrete then I have something I can work on, I have something I can fight. Not only can I work towards improving the situation, but the actions in themselves make me feel better. But not everything has to be a fight, like Salinger said, accepting that these are things you're feeling without trying to pin down a cause can help. Rather than looking at it as an alarm and gearing up to fight the fire, look at it as a puppy that's been left alone (for example). That's not something you fight, it's something you care for and comfort.

 

This really helped me and it's especially helpful knowing that you get the frustration of not having a specific culprit to tackle.  ❤️  No matter how painful, embarrassing and even debilitating it is to have anxiety in response to something, at least in those cases I theoretically have something I can do to eliminate the trigger and relieve the anxiety. I've spent an unhealthy amount of time this week trying to trace my way back to the original trigger that set this one off, but the farthest back I get is getting really upset when I didn't feel like I emotionally connected with my boyfriend as well as I wanted to this weekend - and that's not helpful, because the main reason I didn't connect with him well was because I was already feeling anxious and slightly dissociated.  😐  So it definitely seems that unless I'm just completely blocking out something, I really do feel anxious for no specific reason.

 

And accepting that, just like you and Sal said, the next thing is accepting that I don't have to "fix" or "fight" it every time. Sometimes anxiety is a warning bell for something that needs correcting and that's why it's so disorienting that it doesn't seem to be this time. I think that's a big reason why I'm channeling Eowyn a lot in this challenge - after she defeated the Witch King and was healed by Aragorn, she was very disoriented for a long while, because she felt all wrong inside but had nothing to fight against. Her task in the Houses of Healing was simply to rest and heal and adjust, and that's what I'm trying to do too, be gentle with myself and trust the journey.

 

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11 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Sky, as someone who's been dealing with this for many many years, I see you and I understand ❤️ It's terrifying to not understand the why and given the need for control that often accompanies and exacerbates anxiety that out of control feeling is NO BUENO. 

 

Yupppp, that's EXACTLY the case, and I'm so sorry and thankful that you can put it into words for me.  ❤️  You know me well enough by now to know how much I like feeling in control, especially of myself; and so feeling scared, disconnected and out of control are pretty much the opposite of how I like to feel. 

 

... I was going to do the "but at least [positive spin]" thing but I won't do that.  ;)  It's okay to state my feelings without trying to smooth them over or put a positive spin on them. Honoring my old therapist and all she taught me about that.

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I keep returning to this scene, in the book and the movie, over and over lately and I'm not sure why ... I think it's the themes of healing and hope, of mental darkness and how the light comes in, and especially seeing that Faramir loved Eowyn even when she was weighed down with grief, confusion and depression.  ❤️  Part of what my anxiety keeps telling me is that, if I'm not "on" all the time, if I get too needy / clingy / avoidant / irritable / sad, Eamon will get impatient and disgusted and leave me. But this is a lie. I partly know this because he has reassured me with words and actions that he won't - but more importantly and fundamentally than that, I can believe I am still worthy of love, even romantic love, when I'm struggling and not feeling like myself.

 

Today was a good day.  ❤️  I was still very anxious for most of it (I'm sure thinking about how anxious I am makes me more anxious, so hopefully I can move past that a little tomorrow?), but I got done everything I needed to at work and got all wrapped up for my trip, which was great. I had some really helpful meetings that will be super useful when I come back to work, I got the instructions to my neighbor on how to care for Soji while I'm gone (she's been extra snuggly and affectionate lately and it's honestly tearing me up to think about leaving her mostly alone while I travel), I started making piles of things to pack, and I am about to head for bed to try to stock up on sleep, since my flight leaves really early Saturday and I probably won't sleep.  :)  I'm looking forward to seeing my family - going to Amethyst's wedding will be wonderful and I'm incredibly excited about that, but right now I'm really looking forward to the rest of being home. 

 

Today I ate way too much in an attempt to regulate my feelings (spoiler alert: that almost never works), but I'm not beating myself up about it because I normally don't eat enough anyway, and I did have vegetables at two meals again. Exercise was abysmal because I worked late and went straight to my weekly Star Trek date with Eamon - pretty sure I didn't even walk 2000 steps today.  😮  But, after watching the bizarrely incredible newest episode of "Lower Decks," Eamon and I had a long conversation about pretty much everything but each other and our relationship, and somehow that was really grounding and helped me feel calm and connected for pretty much the first time since Monday. That was a good feeling.  ❤️ 

 

I'm literally falling asleep at my computer so - goodnight for now.  :D  I'll try to check in tomorrow night or sometime over the weekend, but if I get a little sparse for the next week or so, don't worry about me!  ❤️ 

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1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

This really helped me and it's especially helpful knowing that you get the frustration of not having a specific culprit to tackle.  ❤️  No matter how painful, embarrassing and even debilitating it is to have anxiety in response to something, at least in those cases I theoretically have something I can do to eliminate the trigger and relieve the anxiety. I've spent an unhealthy amount of time this week trying to trace my way back to the original trigger that set this one off, but the farthest back I get is getting really upset when I didn't feel like I emotionally connected with my boyfriend as well as I wanted to this weekend - and that's not helpful, because the main reason I didn't connect with him well was because I was already feeling anxious and slightly dissociated.  😐  So it definitely seems that unless I'm just completely blocking out something, I really do feel anxious for no specific reason.

 

And accepting that, just like you and Sal said, the next thing is accepting that I don't have to "fix" or "fight" it every time. Sometimes anxiety is a warning bell for something that needs correcting and that's why it's so disorienting that it doesn't seem to be this time. I think that's a big reason why I'm channeling Eowyn a lot in this challenge - after she defeated the Witch King and was healed by Aragorn, she was very disoriented for a long while, because she felt all wrong inside but had nothing to fight against. Her task in the Houses of Healing was simply to rest and heal and adjust, and that's what I'm trying to do too, be gentle with myself and trust the journey.

 

You know what else can set off anxiety? Being happy and feeling comfortable, safe, and secure. Ridiculous, isn't it? You speaking about Eowyn's struggles brought those memories back from earlier in my relationship when my anxiety was high because I was happy. Got to love how much sense that doesn't make! Not trying to say that I think that's what's going on with you, I just figured it was worth a mention given that sometimes the anxiety gives way not to peace of mind, but to further happiness. Your clichéd light at the end of the tunnel, if you will!

 

 

55 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

But, after watching the bizarrely incredible newest episode of "Lower Decks," Eamon and I had a long conversation about pretty much everything but each other and our relationship, and somehow that was really grounding and helped me feel calm and connected for pretty much the first time since Monday. That was a good feeling.  ❤️ 

 

The restorative properties of a good conversation about everything and often nothing are severely underestimated, I reckon! And in case you're not back for a while, enjoy your travels and the wedding :) 

 

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Sometimes I have feels I don't like, can't explain, and that don't go away. The only thing that helps is to accept, "I feel this way, but I'm not mad that I feel this way. I don't like it, but it's not bad or wrong, and it's not a reflection on who I am." It's hard to articulate, perhaps another way to say it is "Oh, I feel sad. I accept that I'm sad." There's more to it than that, but that's all I can crank out verbally after only one cup of coffee. I don't know if it will help you or not, but I hope it does.

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10 hours ago, iatetheyeti said:

You know what else can set off anxiety? Being happy and feeling comfortable, safe, and secure. Ridiculous, isn't it? You speaking about Eowyn's struggles brought those memories back from earlier in my relationship when my anxiety was high because I was happy. Got to love how much sense that doesn't make! Not trying to say that I think that's what's going on with you, I just figured it was worth a mention given that sometimes the anxiety gives way not to peace of mind, but to further happiness. Your clichéd light at the end of the tunnel, if you will!

 

My therapist said the same thing! My job is stable and I'm doing well at it, I'm a member of my church now, my living situation is comfortable and happy, Soji is growing and healthy, the virus caseload is dropping in my area, my relationship is healthy and nourishing - she suggested that maybe my brain is so used to something being wrong that it's trying to find something because it's freaked out that everything is going right. She did not, however, have the hopeful suggestion that happiness and good things wait on the other side. So I hugely appreciate that!!  ❤️ 

 

4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Sometimes I have feels I don't like, can't explain, and that don't go away. The only thing that helps is to accept, "I feel this way, but I'm not mad that I feel this way. I don't like it, but it's not bad or wrong, and it's not a reflection on who I am." It's hard to articulate, perhaps another way to say it is "Oh, I feel sad. I accept that I'm sad." There's more to it than that, but that's all I can crank out verbally after only one cup of coffee. I don't know if it will help you or not, but I hope it does.

 

It does make sense! And that's really hard for me, but a very healthy approach!  ❤️ 

 

Hope you got more coffee!!

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Eowyn is one of my favorite characters in LoTR. I was unsure why until someone pointed out that she is one of the only women in early fantasy literature that is a real character with real feelings and real growth. I also love that she (like Katniss Everdeen and others) ends up a "broken" character, but that even with those fractures finds some solace and happiness.

 

I really like that you are focusing on her. Strong and sure, yet vulnerable and worried in turns. It sounds like you can relate to that pretty well.

 

Also, when your worry muscles are worked for a long time they get strong... too strong. It might be time to look at strengthening the opposing muscles (acceptance and feeling carefree) and like any muscles that you are newly working, it will hurt at first.

 

Best of luck and thanks so much for sharing so much of yourself here. It really helps the rest of us.

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Hope you're having a good weekend Sky, and that you enjoy the wedding. Hearing you talk about your struggles and accepting your feelings is helpful, so thank you for sharing with us.

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On 9/11/2020 at 2:01 PM, GoodDoug said:

Eowyn is one of my favorite characters in LoTR. I was unsure why until someone pointed out that she is one of the only women in early fantasy literature that is a real character with real feelings and real growth. I also love that she (like Katniss Everdeen and others) ends up a "broken" character, but that even with those fractures finds some solace and happiness.

 

I really like that you are focusing on her. Strong and sure, yet vulnerable and worried in turns. It sounds like you can relate to that pretty well.

 

Also, when your worry muscles are worked for a long time they get strong... too strong. It might be time to look at strengthening the opposing muscles (acceptance and feeling carefree) and like any muscles that you are newly working, it will hurt at first.

 

Best of luck and thanks so much for sharing so much of yourself here. It really helps the rest of us.

 

Thank you, Doug, this is beautiful.  :)  And I really like that thought of stretching my "carefree / letting go / acceptance" muscles. I'm going to try practicing that.

 

I'm so glad it helps to share here - having you guys listen and chat with me helps too.  :) 

 

16 hours ago, Jarric said:

Hope you're having a good weekend Sky, and that you enjoy the wedding. Hearing you talk about your struggles and accepting your feelings is helpful, so thank you for sharing with us.

 

Thank you Jarric, it's been lovely so far!  :)  And I'm absolutely thrilled that it's helpful - that really makes me feel good!

 

14 hours ago, fearless 2.0 said:

I hear you, and send you a big friendly hug! ❤️ have experienced many of this kind of emotions and think this here is a good place for support! :)

 

Thank you so much, Fearless, I appreciate that!!  ❤️  This is seriously the most supportive group in the world and I'm so thankful for it!

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15 hours ago, Salinger said:

How is it going sky? When are you home? Xx

 

Hey Sal! Thank you for checking in!  ❤️ 

 

Saturday's travel went very smoothly and I arrived at my parents' house safely that afternoon, completely exhausted (I only slept an hour that night and dozed on the planes) but without incident. I was a lot more nervous going through the airports than I expected to be - before traveling, I thought it would feel like being in a store or in an outdoor crowd; but once I was in the airports it didn't feel like that at all.  😕  But, I wore my mask the whole time (except to suck down coffee), I used hand sanitizer religiously and washed my hands at each stop, I changed my clothes and mask once I reached my destination, and I have been trying to eat well and get lots of rest. So that's all I can do. 

 

Yesterday and today have been rest days - and so much eating.  😮  My parents eat a lot more than I do and they noticed all the weight I lost during my anxiety earlier this year, so I've probably eaten more in the last two days than I'd eaten all week prior to that.  🤣  Tonight will be a little lighter, thank goodness. And I did get out for a walk yesterday, and did some dancing in the kitchen this afternoon to prep for the wedding this weekend; so I've tried to move a little.  :) 

 

Anxiety levels are much, much lower, as I expected them to be. I get a little overwhelmed with all the noise and shut down a bit (going from living alone with a quiet kitten, to being with up to six other people and a noisy cat), but that's normal and that's not anxiety. My dreams have been intensely vivid and symbolic as I process things in the background (I had my recurring dream about driving last night, which was interesting and I wish I could remember more about it), and that hasn't happened for a while and it's very needed. 

 

So overall, doing great, not much to report, very excited to see Eamon in a few days.  :)  He surprised me by coming up and watching church small group with me in person the night before I left and that was just wonderful - I was feeling more normal that day and we shared a lot of good conversation and hugs that lowered my blood pressure and helped me feel better.  ❤️  It's fascinating how it still feels like we have our little "bubble" even when we're so far apart - I've never experienced this aspect of relationship before and I really like it.

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Glad to hear things are going well for you, and even more so that the anxiety levels are coming down lots. It's kind of funny, a lot of people I've spoken to over the past few days have been having exceptionally and unusually vivid dreams, me included. I hope mine aren't symbolic of anything though, the last one involved killer goats and the end of the world! Anyway, hope things continue to go well for you :)

 

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