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SkyGirl

Lightbearer: Perception

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SKY! ❤️ 

 

You sound like you're doing so well.

 

That relationship bubble is honestly really important and it's good to see. I'm glad you're enjoying your time with Eamon ^_^ 

 

Hope you're having a great week!

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On 9/15/2020 at 4:07 AM, iatetheyeti said:

Glad to hear things are going well for you, and even more so that the anxiety levels are coming down lots. It's kind of funny, a lot of people I've spoken to over the past few days have been having exceptionally and unusually vivid dreams, me included. I hope mine aren't symbolic of anything though, the last one involved killer goats and the end of the world! Anyway, hope things continue to go well for you :)

 

 

I really really hope that's not symbolic too!!  :D  My recurring dream about driving is that I'm riding in a car with someone, they suddenly disappear, and I have to try to crawl into the driver's seat and take control of the wheel ... if I crash the car, it means I'm feeling un-confident in how I'm handling life and think I'm about to make a big mistake; if I successfully pull over, I'm feeling out of my depth but not in despair.  :P 

 

Things are still going well and I hope they're going well for you too!  ❤️ 

 

On 9/15/2020 at 4:40 AM, fearless 2.0 said:

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loved reading your update! way to go!!!!! ❤️

 

Thank you Fearless!! I know I haven't been over to your thread for a few days, I'll try to get caught up soon!  ❤️ 

 

On 9/15/2020 at 11:12 AM, Salinger said:

Hey how are you Sky? xx

 

I'm great, Sal!! Today is my last day with my family and tomorrow I fly out to Amethyst's wedding.  ❤️  I'm sad to be leaving - it definitely doesn't feel like I got enough time with them. And, I'm also very excited to reunite with Eamon tomorrow and celebrate with Amethyst and her husband. I finished mixing the dance playlist for the reception this morning (after spending about 8 hours on the darn thing) and I'm really excited to unveil it this weekend - I really hope everyone has fun and dances a lot. And I'm especially excited to dress up in my bridesmaid dress and look more decent than my usual jeans-and-tee look.  :)  So I am feeling good, a little bittersweet, but also very excited.

 

Thank you for checking on me!

 

On 9/15/2020 at 11:52 AM, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

SKY! ❤️ 

 

You sound like you're doing so well.

 

That relationship bubble is honestly really important and it's good to see. I'm glad you're enjoying your time with Eamon ^_^ 

 

Hope you're having a great week!

 

JEDI!  ❤️  I'm so glad you're here!

 

I am feeling good and so thankful to have some down time to rest and recover from the busyness of the past couple of months.  :)  I got tagged in a work chat discussion this morning and was able to log on, reply "I'm not sure, I don't have access to email!" and log back off again. It felt great.  ;) 

 

The relationship bubble is really interesting to me - we haven't been dating for very long, so it's not super strong, but it's a definite feeling like we're building something that other people don't have access to, not even my family. And I was thinking about it this morning: With Eamon, it's not like a hot and steamy secret, either - it's something that feels safe and reassuring. He doesn't always make my heart pound, he doesn't consume all of my attention, many of our conversations are not romantic at all, he doesn't drop everything to answer my messages and I don't answer his immediately either. We are both independent people and we can take care of ourselves. But I also know that when I need him, he's there. I know that when I'm weak or tired or anxious, he will hold me and not expect me to do anything besides rest. I know that he trusts my advice and perspectives and really listens to my suggestions and thoughts. I know I can trust him to be gentle and respectful with my body and to prioritize my well-being even when it's inconvenient for him, just like I try to do for him. And he makes me laugh, he isn't afraid to be sappy and silly, I learn things from him and teach things too, and above all else, I know I can trust him to pray and ask questions instead of make assumptions or fly off the handle.

 

... basically, I like him a lot.  😂   And I feel really lucky to have him in my life.

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24 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

JEDI!  ❤️  I'm so glad you're here!

 

I am feeling good and so thankful to have some down time to rest and recover from the busyness of the past couple of months.  :)  I got tagged in a work chat discussion this morning and was able to log on, reply "I'm not sure, I don't have access to email!" and log back off again. It felt great.  ;) 

 

The relationship bubble is really interesting to me - we haven't been dating for very long, so it's not super strong, but it's a definite feeling like we're building something that other people don't have access to, not even my family. And I was thinking about it this morning: With Eamon, it's not like a hot and steamy secret, either - it's something that feels safe and reassuring. He doesn't always make my heart pound, he doesn't consume all of my attention, many of our conversations are not romantic at all, he doesn't drop everything to answer my messages and I don't answer his immediately either. We are both independent people and we can take care of ourselves. But I also know that when I need him, he's there. I know that when I'm weak or tired or anxious, he will hold me and not expect me to do anything besides rest. I know that he trusts my advice and perspectives and really listens to my suggestions and thoughts. I know I can trust him to be gentle and respectful with my body and to prioritize my well-being even when it's inconvenient for him, just like I try to do for him. And he makes me laugh, he isn't afraid to be sappy and silly, I learn things from him and teach things too, and above all else, I know I can trust him to pray and ask questions instead of make assumptions or fly off the handle.

 

... basically, I like him a lot.  😂   And I feel really lucky to have him in my life.

The bubble takes time to build :)

 

And honestly, a lot of my convos with Mr. Right aren't super romantic either. Most of the time, I'm in the living room writing my fanfic or playing League of Legends while he's across the room in voicechat with his cousins or playing Runescape (or both!) We just are there, walking through life together. 

 

It sounds like such a good, healthy relationship and I'm so happy for you ❤️

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1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

My recurring dream about driving is that I'm riding in a car with someone, they suddenly disappear, and I have to try to crawl into the driver's seat and take control of the wheel ... if I crash the car, it means I'm feeling un-confident in how I'm handling life and think I'm about to make a big mistake; if I successfully pull over, I'm feeling out of my depth but not in despair.  :P 

 

I've had that dream too! Never thought about what it would mean. That seems logical

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1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

I really really hope that's not symbolic too!!  :D  My recurring dream about driving is that I'm riding in a car with someone, they suddenly disappear, and I have to try to crawl into the driver's seat and take control of the wheel ... if I crash the car, it means I'm feeling un-confident in how I'm handling life and think I'm about to make a big mistake; if I successfully pull over, I'm feeling out of my depth but not in despair.  :P 

 

I have been keeping my eye out for any rogue goats lately... Here's hoping you're not crashing that car!

 

1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

The relationship bubble is really interesting to me - we haven't been dating for very long, so it's not super strong, but it's a definite feeling like we're building something that other people don't have access to, not even my family. And I was thinking about it this morning: With Eamon, it's not like a hot and steamy secret, either - it's something that feels safe and reassuring. He doesn't always make my heart pound, he doesn't consume all of my attention, many of our conversations are not romantic at all, he doesn't drop everything to answer my messages and I don't answer his immediately either. We are both independent people and we can take care of ourselves. But I also know that when I need him, he's there. I know that when I'm weak or tired or anxious, he will hold me and not expect me to do anything besides rest. I know that he trusts my advice and perspectives and really listens to my suggestions and thoughts. I know I can trust him to be gentle and respectful with my body and to prioritize my well-being even when it's inconvenient for him, just like I try to do for him. And he makes me laugh, he isn't afraid to be sappy and silly, I learn things from him and teach things too, and above all else, I know I can trust him to pray and ask questions instead of make assumptions or fly off the handle.

 

... basically, I like him a lot.  😂   And I feel really lucky to have him in my life.

 

This. This is what it's about. I'm really happy for you both :)

 

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ColorlessIncompleteAphid-size_restricted

 

HI GUYS, HOW ARE YOU, IT'S BEEN AN AGE AND A HALF AT LEAST

 

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Amethyst's wedding was absolute perfection. The weather was perfect, the setup and teardown were smooth and quick, all the inevitable near-disasters were miraculously dodged, all the potentially fractious guests behaved and got along, and everyone just had a wonderful time.  ❤️  It melted my heart to see my dear friend so radiantly happy and to know that her marriage is healthy, lovingly supported by their family and friends, and something that's already making both of them stronger and happier. Both of us have been through a lot in the years that we've known each other, and it honestly was kind of breathtaking to think back on how exhausted and overwhelmed we were when we met, and to look at how much we've grown and how much stronger and healthier we've become. 

 

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It was also really amazing to have that time with Eamon, and the weekend frankly left me a little overwhelmed ... he and the other bridesmaid's boyfriend were only officially attending as guests, but they both immediately pitched in and helped, and they worked so hard to not only feed and take care of us while we worked, but also help other guests, support the groom, run errands, and cheer us up even when they were exhausted themselves.  ❤️  Eamon drove me home from the airport (an extra hour of driving for him) and didn't just leave; he came in and immediately carried my heavy luggage upstairs, unloaded my dishwasher and got me a snack.  😮  On the one hand, I know that caring for your partner is just part of being a good partner, and since acts of service are his love language, it is natural for him to show his affection in that way. But on the other hand, having someone go out of his way to care for me in all the ways that I struggle with (eating well, logistics, upper body strength) is a completely new experience that feels really special, especially because I know he was just as tired as I was and it still took effort and intention. He and I made some really beautiful memories this weekend and I'll treasure them for a very long time.

 

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The wedding wrapped up around 11PM on Saturday, and our flight home was at 6AM Sunday, so we all only got about 2 hours of sleep and I'm still feeling pretty horrible today, despite getting 9 hours last night.  :P  I'm not as young as I once was, it seems. But I'm taking it easy this evening; I made my favorite spicy Indian rice and called Eamon for a little while, and I originally planned to watch a movie while doing a load of laundry, but I honestly think I might toss it in tomorrow morning while I listen to a training, and just read in bed for a bit. 

 

I checked in with a couple of you but I'll try to make the rest of the rounds tomorrow! I missed you guys!!  ❤️ 

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15 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I'm not as young as I once was, it seems.

 

Don't even get me started! I could go on at great length about this exact feeling!

 

Seriously though, I'm really happy to hear everything went so well and you had a good time. And now you can catch up on your sleep :lol:

 

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Guys!! Lindsey Stirling's new music video is giving me some feels! Fierce archer maidens using magic and song to take on evil dark spirits? Yes please!!  ❤️ 

 

I meant to update the last few days, but due to shark hormones, fatigue, delayed stress from Amethyst's wedding, missing Eamon, and/or no reason at all, my anxiety decided to kick back into gear on Tuesday night and I've been a bit unwell ever since.  😕  All I want to do is sleep, despite having bizarrely vivid dreams, and when I am awake, I can't focus on much of anything besides trying to tell my brain that I am not a complete failure at my job, Eamon is not secretly bored with me, and I am not neglecting Soji's health and well-being and ruining her life.  :P  Today was a little better emotionally than the past two days, in that I was only startled by unexpected crying once, but harder mentally, because I was more fearful and struggled to regulate my racing thoughts. Sometimes anxiety that follows a really good weekend starts to settle out at the end of the week, as I approach another weekend; so maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. 

 

The week has flown by weirdly fast, probably because the days have been so hectic ... I took a walk on Tuesday, but the sun is setting much earlier right now, so yesterday and today I worked late and ran out of time. Food-wise, I think I've been eating too much this week, but I got a grocery order yesterday with lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, so it's at least trending healthier.  :)  Going to get a small snack before bed because my stomach is growling.

 

I'm really behind on a lot of my personal tasks due to wasting my evenings staring at my phone or working late - I'm way behind in prepping for our next D&D campaign, I haven't read the chapters or prepped my study questions for small group tomorrow, I need to order a baby shower gift for Irwin and Katherine, I'm way behind on laundry and other chores - but it's very late and I'm once again tired, so I'll see what I can get done tomorrow.  😕  

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I feel you on the anxiety thing. My friend that I saw this weekend (who is, interestingly enough, from somewhere in the same vicinity as you once were) gave me good advice that I took today and it helped.

 

Basically, she told me to start by sitting in my feelings. I did this by ranting to her about all the things, letting myself have a good cry, and overall just letting myself feel things. When I started feeling wrung out from that, I buried myself in a fanfiction that was very fluffy and cute and just enough of an emotional roller coaster that I could wrench my feelings out of anxiety a bit. The way she phrased it was basically 'take a break from yourself and your stress.' After that, you remind yourself of the truths(in my case, I reminded myself that my boss likes me and depends on me, and a bad couple of weeks isn't going to cause him to fire me with no warning, and that I know well that my mental health affects my work so perhaps I should work on my mental health if I want my work to improve). When I came up for air after reading, I felt more at peace. I'm still anxious, but I'm more functional and now I can work (which is what I was incredibly stressed about) and actually get stuff done. Plus, I'm managing to come up with some ideas on how to move forward. 

 

And a suggestion that I'm taking myself: You might look into L-Theanine. It's a naturally occurring thing in green tea, and it helps even out anxiety a bit. You can get it in pill and gummy form. It's helped me before, maybe it would help you?  

 

You are loved, friend ❤️ As a reminder to you about the truth, you are fearfully and WONDERFULLY made. You are not a failure at your job (you're a great writer and honestly your job seems super cool), your kitty is incredibly lucky to have you and you work so hard to take the best care of him you can. Eamon, I can tell from the pictures I've seen and stories you've told, cares about you a lot. Because you deserve it and because you're gorgeous and interesting and an all around awesome person. 

 

I hope things start to get better for you ❤️

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13 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Guys!! Lindsey Stirling's new music video is giving me some feels! Fierce archer maidens using magic and song to take on evil dark spirits? Yes please!!  ❤️ 

 

Oh yes. Same. For sure.

 

And as far as the anxiety goes, a lot has happened in a relatively short space of time. It doesn't matter that it's been good, it's still a lot, and that tends to cause upheaval in the old anxiety brain parts. It's happened to me more than I'd like to admit, and for me it usually manifests itself in frequent bouts of tears, feelings of worthlessness and despair about whatever situation I'd just left, and an endless well of upset. It took so much out of me and it took a long time to recover from. I'd love to be able to offer some advice, but I haven't been in that kind of situation since my leap forwards in recovery, not yet anyway. So all I can really do is offer solidarity and tell you that you're not a failure, not at all. You're a fighter and you're standing strong.

 

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giphy.gif

 

I had no idea there were so many beautiful GIFs of food and cooking in anime, but the process of searching for this GIF was a soothing delight.  ❤️  I tried a new recipe tonight and I'm about to take it out of the oven and see how it turned out!  (Update: It turned out okay, but I overbaked the eggplant a little and it got a bit mushy. It tastes good though!)

 

Today was a quiet day - yesterday never got any better anxiety-wise and I was pretty close to full-on panic by the end of the day, so I opened all the windows, put on a fan, and crawled into bed. After 9 hours of more intensely vivid dreams, I woke up feeling great, remembered I had been anxious, and started to panic again; but I took some time to rest in bed, read my Bible, and pray, and that helped. I was reminded that I am not in control of any of the things that scare me, but while that's definitely frightening, it's also reassuring. The burden of making sure that Everything Works Out is not on me. All I have to do is my best, in each choice that's presented to me each day, and then the big picture things will take care of themselves as they're meant to. 

 

That didn't magically fix all my fearfulness, but it definitely relieved it to the point that I was able to do all my chores and do some cooking this afternoon.  :)  I also talked for a while with two of my church friends, who are both very lighthearted and funny and down-to-earth, and that was hugely refreshing too. I value my loved ones like Eamon and Ayre who take me very seriously and talk about things seriously with me, but I also desperately need my friends who help me lighten up and not worry so much, too. For exercise, I ran around and cleaned the house and vacuumed; and I'll try to go to bed on time tonight even though I stayed up so late.  :)  Tomorrow I get to see Eamon and that makes most things much better. We're going sightseeing south of the city tomorrow, if it doesn't rain too hard!

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I second the vote for L-theanine. It seems to help calm my racing brain. I still sometimes have anxiety, but I'm less likely to get caught in the looping spiral.

 

Lindsey Stirling made a video about the Silver Archer!!! How cool is that! I'm sure she read your challenge and that's where she got the idea.😉

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On 9/26/2020 at 10:09 PM, Elastigirl said:

I second the vote for L-theanine. It seems to help calm my racing brain. I still sometimes have anxiety, but I'm less likely to get caught in the looping spiral.

 

Lindsey Stirling made a video about the Silver Archer!!! How cool is that! I'm sure she read your challenge and that's where she got the idea.😉

 

Thanks to you both, I will definitely look into that! It looks like I can get them from my local Target and I need a few things anyway!  ❤️ 

 

Oh boy, have you seen this one? She is totally the Silver Archer in this one!!:

 

Spoiler

 

 

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*

 

Today was a good day, mostly because of therapy: I was feeling too mentally / emotionally crappy to try to be pulled-together at my appointment, and just let my brain ping-pong all over the place and dump thoughts as they came; and the most important one was, I was finally able to explain how anxiety makes me feel: I feel like my anxiety is robbing me of my happy moments and memories. It is not fair that I have to pay for every happy day with Eamon by suffering with fear and brain fog and physical discomfort for three or four days afterward, and I'm so tired of living this way. I want to enjoy getting to know him. I want to enjoy dreaming about the future with him, without immediately being crippled by terror at making some wrong decision. I want to keep making beautiful memories and have more than 24 hours to enjoy them before I question whether they meant what I thought they did. I want to be able to live in the moment, not constantly in the future or the past. I want to be excited about the future, not afraid of it.

 

Simply hearing my therapist say "Yeah, of course, that's totally understandable that you feel that way" helped. She also encouraged me to be gentle with myself on the days that my energy levels are low, and not push myself to produce the same amount on those days as I normally would. But the thing she repeated over and over was, "It isn't always going to be this way. It's going to get better." That's ... hard to believe. I've been afraid of dating and marriage my whole life; my anxiety has steadily worsened over the past year that I've tried to date seriously, and now that I've found someone I actually could see myself building a life with, it's becoming unmanageable. It's like half of my subconscious is trying to sabotage things preemptively to protect me from being hurt if we break up, while the other half is trying to grasp him as obsessively tightly as it can, to keep that from happening. It's exhausting and demoralizing and embarrassing. 

 

But I really want to believe it's true that things will get better. I want to believe that if I'm patient and keep investing every day, just doing my best to be a good friend and girlfriend every day, that eventually I'll find my rhythm and be as comfortable with my relationship with Eamon as I am with my other friendships. She reminded me that just six months ago, I was crippled with terror of the pandemic; and now I can travel and visit with friends and go back to church. And maybe if I just keep showing up, keep getting to know him, keep turning toward him instead of hiding away in shame, keep focusing on my friend Eamon instead of on the abstract Relationship - that one day I'll be able to have the easy, comfortable, happy companionship that I want, for both of us. Thinking about that makes me cry, right now, because it feels so far away. It feels like I'll never get myself straightened out and have that comfort and closeness with him. But maybe that's not true. 

 

The rest of the day was fine; I struggled to focus at work again, which added to my stress, because I'm on deadline for two large stories; after therapy, I went to get a COVID test, because I am meeting some of Eamon's older family members this weekend, and that was uneventful. No real exercise to speak of; food was good, though. My smoke detectors are broken again, and randomly tripping each other at wildly erratic time intervals, and that is harrowing. Definitely calling my landlord first thing in the morning; and in the meantime, hoping fervently that it doesn't go off in the middle of the night again and scare the crap out of me.

 

I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but it's late again, so I'd better shower and go to bed.  :(  Thank you guys for letting me keep processing / venting here and for listening and supporting me - I really want to post positive updates, and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow, but right now I'm just really tired and discouraged and frustrated and scared.  😕 

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5 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

I wanted to watch a movie tonight, but it's late again, so I'd better shower and go to bed.  :(  Thank you guys for letting me keep processing / venting here and for listening and supporting me

Hey, you're never gonna get to

5 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

I want to believe that if I'm patient and keep investing every day, just doing my best to be a good friend and girlfriend every day, that eventually I'll find my rhythm and be as comfortable with my relationship with Eamon as I am with my other friendships.

Without being honest about

6 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

 I feel like my anxiety is robbing me of my happy moments and memories. It is not fair that I have to pay for every happy day with Eamon by suffering with fear and brain fog and physical discomfort for three or four days afterward, and I'm so tired of living this way. I want to enjoy getting to know him. I want to enjoy dreaming about the future with him, without immediately being crippled by terror at making some wrong decision. I want to keep making beautiful memories and have more than 24 hours to enjoy them before I question whether they meant what I thought they did. I want to be able to live in the moment, not constantly in the future or the past. I want to be excited about the future, not afraid of it.

 

so you post away about what you are actually feeling and don't worry about the image you are projecting. Just be real with us, it's the real you we like.

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1 minute ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hey, you're never gonna get to

Without being honest about

so you post away about what you are actually feeling and don't worry about the image you are projecting. Just be real with us, it's the real you we like.

 

Mmhmm, definitely didn't choke up at all.  ❤️  Thank you Tank.

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Hugs. Praying that God will give you His peace and comfort.

 

When I am struggling this is a good promise for me to cling to.

Philippians 1:6

Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ.

 

Edit to add:

I was reading my nighttime prayer and I thought I would share it with you

.

O God,

you have designed this wonderful world,

and know all things good for us.

Give us such faith

that, by day, and by night

at all times, and in all places

we may without fear

entrust those who are dear to us to your never failing love

in this life and in the life to come through Jesus Christ our Lord

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