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Aθena

Athena gets out of the Tutorial Zone - pt. 1

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6 hours ago, Aθena said:

Pff don't get me started. 

 

I 100% did want to get you started :D And it seems I did, and a few others as well :D 

 

It's interesting how "doing the right thing" is such a gut feeling. Like, I mean, you can totally feel it in your gut if you're doing something that you deep down know is "wrong". If you do something you know you shouldn't have according to your own rules it doesn't feel good. But if you do something you shouldn't have according to someone else's rules, (that don't align with yours) you don't feel anything at all. At least not until that person find out, then you might feel shame (maybe this is the external honor @Scaly Freak mentioned).

 

One example I was thinking of was speeding. If it's perfect weather, on a straight road, out in the middle of nowhere, I don't care if I'm going 10 above the speed limit. I don't get the "I'm doing something bad" gut feeling. I'm breaking society's rules, but not my own, so I'm keeping to my own values and so am not feeling bad about it. But if the police were to catch me, then all of a sudden I would feel very bad for doing the wrong thing. It's weird...

 

And also, something I might feel is "wrong" if I do it, I might not feel is wrong if someone else does it. Like I would feel bad if I were to smoke a cigarette, but I don't care if someone else does.

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6 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

It's interesting how "doing the right thing" is such a gut feeling. Like, I mean, you can totally feel it in your gut if you're doing something that you deep down know is "wrong". If you do something you know you shouldn't have according to your own rules it doesn't feel good. But if you do something you shouldn't have according to someone else's rules, (that don't align with yours) you don't feel anything at all.

 

And the feelings of satisfaction compared to feeling bad in some way (guilty, ashamed, etc) deepen the worse we consider the transgression to be. Society's rules say that if you are out for a walk, you are only ever supposed to cross the street in certain specific places, that are marked clearly. Hardly anyone follows that rule, and no one feels bad about breaking it. But the stronger a taboo is, the more difficult and the more painful it is to break them.

 

Which of course means that in some cases, doing the right thing even when it is more exhausting and takes more effort, can still be the "easy" thing to do, because you're not going against that personal inner code of values.

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4 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

Society's rules say that if you are out for a walk, you are only ever supposed to cross the street in certain specific places, that are marked clearly. Hardly anyone follows that rule, and no one feels bad about breaking it.

 

I live in a place where there are no specific pedestrian crossings, and also no traffic. So I can walk how/where/when I want. But now I'm staying in a bigger city for a few days, and I realized I will actually cross the road where the zebra crossing is. Even if it means walking further (more exhausting, more effort) because it's the "right" thing to do. I won't, however, wait for the light to turn green if no car is coming... Funny how these internal rules/values we have work!

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41 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

One example I was thinking of was speeding. If it's perfect weather, on a straight road, out in the middle of nowhere, I don't care if I'm going 10 above the speed limit.

 

But but that's not society's rules but calculations made so everyone's safe on the road.(*) But I get what you mean :)

 

I will also add: sufficiently wide (sunny but not so much the asphalt is melting) road (in the middle of nowhere), and that I am sure there are no wholes or other unevenness on the asphalt. :D 

 

It's so easy to go 10 above the limit though!! When you are using gear. I guess automatics are more easy in that regard.

 

(*) Although often I wonder if they don't make limits in certain places just so they can place patrols/cameras and earn some fines lol

 

24 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

But now I'm staying in a bigger city for a few days, and I realized I will actually cross the road where the zebra crossing is. Even if it means walking further (more exhausting, more effort) because it's the "right" thing to do.

 

I will do this, and also wear a seatbelt when I am in the back seat even for a short ride, for insurance purposes IF something happens :D 

 

 

24 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

I won't, however, wait for the light to turn green if no car is coming...

 

Hmm, I used to do this (and my granddad used to tease me I am like a German in the 80s when he visited the DDR haha)

 

I stopped doing this when I noticed my partner does not do this because it is inefficient to waste time like this especially in rainy weather... 🤫

 

 

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6 minutes ago, Aθena said:

But but that's not society's rules but calculations made so everyone's safe on the road.(*)

 

Oh and let's not forget the reverse:

 

When there is a speed limit for neutral situations but no seperate sign for heavy rain (and thus wet road)

 

People passing me while honking their horns and/or driving way too close  because I remember the maths (that has also been calculated by engineers/physicist or some other people smarter than me like that)

 

I was taught during my driving theory lessons.

 

Just because there is a sign that says "A-OK" does not mean you can shut your brain off and yell at those that are thinking for themselves :D

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2 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Scifi Debris has some interesting comments on this in one of their Star Trek TNG reviews. They suggest that there are two kinds of honor: Internal and external.

 

The external is the set of values that society expects you to conform to and will shame you for breaking. The internal one is your personal code, and they are not necessarily fully in alignment with each other. When they are not, then a person may choose to sacrifice their integrity and obey the external set of values in order to avoid the the shame society might heap on them otherwise. But that person then has to face the internal consequences of breaking their own personal honor code, and now we nave narrative conflict. 

 

Then internal honour would indeed be like integrity, and external honour would be like the honour codes I was thinking of.

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1 minute ago, Harriet said:

Then internal honour would indeed be like integrity, and external honour would be like the honour codes I was thinking of.

 

Exactly. The video review goes on to elaborate on how confusing it can get because most societies are actually referring to a mixture of internal and external when they use the term "honor", but now we're getting side-tracked. :) 

 

 

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8 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

Exactly. The video review goes on to elaborate on how confusing it can get because most societies are actually referring to a mixture of internal and external when they use the term "honor", but now we're getting side-tracked. :) 


Getting sidetracked is an important component and time-honoured tradition of conceptual analysis :D 

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To go back to integrity going further than honesty:

Spoiler

 

that reminds me about both children and adults breaking an agreement or acting badly or so,

 

and telling you about it and exclaiming "Whaaat? Why are you upset/angry? I could have also been silent or lied."

 

Full disclosure, I think I have done this too. Even as an older teen and early adolescent. And I am not saying I will never ever not do this ever again or make another mistake :D Nothing human is strange to me, just pointing it out.

 

 

**

 

Left the draft, read some more in the book and came across this,

 

Spoiler

 

about Covey losing patience with his young boys, hearing them running in the hallway and 1 pounding on the door while he was trying to focus. He sent that one to his room. Turns out one boy had injured himself and the other was trying to get in the shower to get a towel but his sis was showering.

 

(About how apologising sincerely, AND being perceived as sincere, is important for effectiveness in your relationships.

 

And it takes a strong person to apologise like that, instead of seeing that as a weakness and/or righeously refusing to see you should apologise:

 

"(...) When I realized that I had completely misinterpreted the situation and had overreacted, I immediately went in to apologize to David.


As I opened the door, the first thing he said to me was, “I won't forgive you.”


“Well, why not, honey?” I replied. “Honestly, I didn't realize you were trying to help your brother. Why won't you forgive me?”


“Because you did the same thing last week,” he replied. In other words, he was saying. “Dad, you're overdrawn, and you're not going to talk your way out of a problem you behaved yourself into.” [me: Covey uses the metaphor of having an emotional bank account with others]


Sincere apologies make deposits; repeated apologies interpreted as insincere make withdrawals. And the quality of the relationship reflects it."

 

This is more preaching to the choir (even tho I admit this can be tricky) but. Good. Stuff. :D

 

 

**

CHALLENGE RELATED:

 

I did not really track week 1, I realised last night. I did go back to my goal tracker to write down what I had tracked...sorta... on my phone. And for the cutting the umbillical cord with mt phone goal I wrote down what the app said was the time I spent on my phone.

 

Last week the lowest was 3 hours and 40 mins. This week 2,5 hours.

 

Sometimes I wonder what all it counts because another app counted one second for every notification I got, and system apps running, and stuff like that but I cannot argue with the fact it is still close to that number. I think. So. I will go with those numbers it gives me.

 

Also. I am having trouble committing to a morning and evening routine that goes beyond (what I already pretty much did:) washing my face, brushing my teeth (and hair in the morning) and changing my clothes. 

 

Spoiler

 

Esp since in the last 2 weeks since I have been really trying to implement routines again, I had at least a couple of days that I was dead tired all day or ready to sleep at 7pm. Either bc of coldish symptoms or abrupt weather changes or so ??? or bc I did not go to bed on time (I think that was just once).

 

I usually have stuff to do I could not do during the day, in the evening. My sis is home between 11:45am or 2.30pm and up and about and washing teeth etc. until 8pm. 

 

I feel a bit weird about going to the library or any other public place. 

 

And we have been spending a lot of time on tax studies or home remodelling/organising while my sis is away. Mom has been reaaal good with passing the material with almost minimal help. But I do sit standby for any questions and listen to her explain concepts to me.

 

Excuses excuses. I know. Especially if one sees my mobile time, where I have certainly not been looking at thesis topics. And maybe a few times at job openings and career related (open days etc., non-journalling) stuff.

 

 

 

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Okay okay also some bad assery on my side:

 

  • My sis tried to tempt and then guilt me into eating ice cream with her, I refused and then also stood my ground (unlike yesterday, where eating one thrice offered icecream I just continued eating with her after that 1, it was tasty of course)
  • Tomorrow at 9 AM I am going to try another tae chi lesson at another place,
  • And at 15:00 I will have a digital tour etc. at an interesting lawyer firm, that I think also has a notary section. I only have one question for them though, need to brain storm for more at some point between tae chi, choosing an outfit and 15:00.
  • My sis is upping her assassin level, and constantly playing on anything that remotely looks like a (not pullup?) bar, and hanging from it, even in the supermarket. So I am determined to get my door pull up bar WITH screws from the attic and put it in one of the door frames at her height, and get some thick mats from Ikea so she can practice where she can fall on SOFT STUFF. (The pull up bar with screws can be removed from the bits that get screwed on when not used.)
    • And she will ROCK the play ground bars after practicing above SOFT LANDING and getting the strength and dexterity to NOT break her head or something else outside :D 

 

EDIT/PS - ugh why is it almost midnight! I miss being on here more but I guess it's good I am not allowing myself to reply on my phone. Both my eyes and  fingers are probably thanking me.

 

EDIT2:

 

Video about how Thomas Jefferson's declaration of Independence was likely inspired by the Dutch Plakkaat van Verlatinghe (which was inspired by, among other things, the thoughts of John Locke about how the ruler is there for his people and not the other way around - free translation - who also spent some time in Amsterdam, where also Spinoza spent some time, and so on):

 

Spoiler

 

 

He shows Jefferson's personal library and how there were history books about Dutch history, including this Plakkaat. He says we should treat this document like the Declaration of Independence is treated, i.e. with reverance and pride (is my interpretation)... But as we never became a Republic, it is probably understandable that this document does not have a prominent place in history and in a museum or whatever haha. (Although I remember in high school history lessons, we did discuss the resemblences between the Declaration and the plakkaat, but anyway.) During the coronation of the previous Dutch monarch, queen Beatrix, there were a LOT of republicanists riots, pleading for a republic, and almost her whole royal career she was doing things to increase the public opinion (of the importance and usefulness) of the crown. And it was succesful, by the time she gave her crown to her son, the public opinion had increased greatly since *her* coronation. Sooo... Understandable, understandable.

 

 

 

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I wonder how to clean dust off the sides of tiles in the toilet. Where it gathers on the painted bit. Or generally off of wall paint. I understand just a microfiber towel with soapy water (after which you should dry) will do the trick. Not sure if I have tried that.

 

Tae chi was nice but I definitely got more out of the lesson on Monday. I felt stronger then, and more stable, too. This teacher e.g. told me to relax my elbows down when holding arms in front of myself and palms towards me. Maybe I was doing something else wrong, also possible. The group is larger so he did not check anyone's posture too closely. And did not say anything about the knees having a to be a little bit towards outside, which I always forget. About as much cues as you would give in a yoga class and that seems too little for smth that requires a whole diff attitude towards movement. (Moving from your core.)

 

Also, he teaches yoga *too* and I am getting the same impression, like that should not be, a someone who teaches both, which is funny that I have that idea.

 

Oh yeah he is also more of an entertainer because most of the people going to today's lesson go there just for relaxation. Not to learn how to do tai chi per se.

 

But there were also some other things I liked better. And also the class was like... 14 mostly older women (all older than me, pretty sure most older than my mom but varying degrees) and it's always fun to be around people trying to remain active. And maybe pick up on some experience stories/wisdom etc.

 

Pretty sure the tai chi studio lessons will mostly be older folks too but I understood there was going to be at least 1 (82 y.o.) man so more variety in gender I think.  That will be fun too.

 

I think a combo: the lessons on Monday and these ones will be best. That is also the most affordable.

 

Anyway, now I will start going back to the more earthly stuff of picking an outfit for my digital law firm tour and meet and greet. :) And then looking at thesis topics and interesting questions to ask the attending lawyers and probably a recruiter.

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18 hours ago, Aθena said:

Anyway, now I will start going back to the more earthly stuff of picking an outfit for my digital law firm tour and meet and greet. :) And then looking at thesis topics and interesting questions to ask the attending lawyers and probably a recruiter.

 

Called it! And asked some questions. 

 

Also discovered why I never seem to be able to apply my new "structured and concise speaking" XP to these types of events. I am so in "listening mode" and it's difficult for me to combine that and transforming my Mind Map Style (lengthy/detailed) thoughts into an easy to digest linear thought. AND articulate and pace my speech in a way that is easy to listen to. (That includes breathing right.)

 

Whatever, I've come this far, so I'll learn how to do that too. Maybe even starting to driving regularly will help turn on that function of my brain, since it also includes seemingly unrelated movements that become one whole thing after a while.

 

(I plan on getting like 10-15 hours of lessons to refresh it because being comfortable with driving is a bit of independence I cannot deny myself. Regardless of the usually good public transport and biking options.)

 

No thesis topic searching was done. Though I did treat myself to some much needed shower, body lotion hydration and otherwise upkeep lol. Aaand it's been a while since I put on fancy clothes for an event so I savored that looking at myself in the mirror and practicing body language in my webcam :D OH and listening to a legal podcast and talking out loud a bit. 

 

On 9/24/2020 at 9:50 PM, Aθena said:

Also. I am having trouble committing to a morning and evening routine that goes beyond (what I already pretty much did:) washing my face, brushing my teeth (and hair in the morning) and changing my clothes. 

 

I also sometimes want to eat in the morning, sometimes I don't. sometimes I want light/heavy/savory/sweet. But.... Life happens. And I can handle not getting what I want/need in the morning a lot better when I drink enough water so that's important.

 

Just wrote a list down with the "minimum" morning and evening routine that's not just face-teeth-hair-water-breakfast-dress-if-needed. Now, I've done this OFTEN but not like this yet, so let's see how it goes.

 

I am going to try to do the routines without thinking too much about whether each task feels like it "transitions smoothly" from the other, like brushing teeth and drinking water or w/e.

Just do what makes sense, even if it's not right there on the list, and then run my eyes over the list if I don't know what to do next and/or check if I've done everything.

 

Most of my challenge goals are in the routines, so I am curious to see what happens.

 

Wait. It's 10:15 PM and I spent my evening time writing these lists and thinking about them. Part of the AM routine depends on the PM. AND I was already going to leave packing my bag for tomorrow's visit to a friend for the morning. To be or not to be...

 

Yeah, I think I'm going to do what I usually do anyway & do my experiment starting Sunday evening.

 

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Before I start getting ready for my trip to a friend, I want to say I am real happy with they way I handled yesterday's (albeit digital) firm tour.

 

Naturally, my mantra was still "nothing makes me uncomfortable". And afterwards, I did not spend obsessing over how I spoke and what I said. 

 

It ís a thinking habit that I have, like I can learn from that by repeating what I said over and over again, but usually it spirals into me beating myself up and convincing myself I should just stop trying (and I cannot/do not want to. I KNOW deathbed-me will not be amused if I do so :D )

 

I think I started doing something like what I usually do but I thought of what the Friday tai chi teacher said: there is always something that is trying to pull you out of balance. Balance is dynamic. You simply have to breathe and get back to your center.

 

And so I did.

 

Also: I finally internalisased this thought/it sunk in:

 

I am not going to look for (a) place(s) where I fit in. ESPECIALLY when I try fitting in, I don't. When I let go, things flow. And still, I don't fit in entirely, like some people seem to do. And it's human to want to do so, but it's not a very good idea to try to.

 

There is only one me. And I know I have a lot to offer. Especially when my brain is not burdened with thoughts about how others see me or think about how or what I said.

 

I will look for a place that has the resources I need to grow and bring value to others around me, my family and friends. And maybe reach further once possible. And to realise the material goals I have, second. 

 

[EDIT: does not mean I will find it right away haha, I need to start getting work experience and moneys asap but that is the "message I will be sending out to the Universe" :D ]

 

And I will *manifest myself*. It sounds weird when I say it like that and I don't exactly know what that includes, other than taking space, unapologetically. 

 

Besides, in a previous post in another thread I concluded I don't like the commitments that "fitting into a group" come with. When I was younger I managed to kinda get into a group for a year, but then I got all weird and felt the need to make a demonstration when the group was not acting in line with my values, - I guess because I was now associated with them by all other kids and felt bad that I picked the wrong crowd - and they felt like I was saying I was better and above all of them. (Which, well, I did think my behaviour was above theirs. But not as a person? :D ) Not a good look. Self-knowledge is important.

 

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OHHHH I HAVE AN IDEA.

 

You know how students often go on 1 year trips around the world? And that's not very practical or safe atm, also I have never really thought seriously about it but still, I am sure it's a very enriching experience. 

 

What if I make challenges where I read Around the World in 80 days? (which I had started as an audiobook, then used as a go to sleep book, then stopped because I read several books at the same time spanning in years usually, that's how I roll.)

 

I will follow the trajectory Fogg follows, and during the 80 days of about three challenge I will read something about the (current state) of the countries he visits in a 35 day period, and their culture and so on. And I will imagine what I would do there.

 

Maybe, that will even get me excited and less reserved of doing it for real one day. Who knows. But even the "travelling using my mind" sounds like real cool and also enriching in a way. And let's not forget... Free.

 

I might even get inspired try recipes or so :D or try to learn folk dances if there are YT videos or so. The possibilities are endless. 

 

I might also just put this idea in my idea box and never follow through with it. But I wanted to share. PS - anyone who is more initiative than me, feel free to do something like this in my stead :D

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9 hours ago, Aθena said:

What if I make challenges where I read Around the World in 80 days? (which I had started as an audiobook, then used as a go to sleep book, then stopped because I read several books at the same time spanning in years usually, that's how I roll.)

 

I will follow the trajectory Fogg follows, and during the 80 days of about three challenge I will read something about the (current state) of the countries he visits in a 35 day period, and their culture and so on. And I will imagine what I would do there.

 

This is actually really brilliant. Virtual travel!

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On 9/26/2020 at 7:25 AM, Aθena said:

Naturally, my mantra was still "nothing makes me uncomfortable". And afterwards, I did not spend obsessing over how I spoke and what I said. 

 

It ís a thinking habit that I have, like I can learn from that by repeating what I said over and over again, but usually it spirals into me beating myself up and convincing myself I should just stop trying (and I cannot/do not want to. I KNOW deathbed-me will not be amused if I do so :D )

 

This is a great win. I have also been in the habit of reviewing social interactions obsessively to check for failures. As if other people can't cope or won't like me if I say something wrong? 

 

On 9/26/2020 at 7:25 AM, Aθena said:

I am not going to look for (a) place(s) where I fit in. ESPECIALLY when I try fitting in, I don't. When I let go, things flow. And still, I don't fit in entirely, like some people seem to do. And it's human to want to do so, but it's not a very good idea to try to.

 

I mean, there are lots of imperfect or eccentric people whom we nevertheless like a lot. Most other people can and will make accommodations for you, so you have a bit of room to not be a perfect fit always.

 

On 9/26/2020 at 7:25 AM, Aθena said:

I know I have a lot to offer. Especially when my brain is not burdened with thoughts about how others see me or think about how or what I said.

 

Yes indeed. 

 

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"There's no way to go for a win in our own lives if we don't even know, in a deep sense, what constitutes a win -- what is, in fact, harmonious with our innermost values. And if we can't make and keep commitments to ourselves as well as to others, our commitments become meaningless. We know it; others know it. They sense duplicity and become guarded. There's no foundation of trust and win-win becomes an ineffective superficial technique. Integrity is the cornerstone in the foundation."

...

Many people think in dichotomies, in either/or terms. They think if you're nice, you're not tough. But win-win is nice...and tough. It's twice as tough as win-lose. To go for win-win, you not only have to be nice, you have to be courageous. You not only have to be empathic, you have to be confident. You not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you have to be brave. To do that, to achieve that balance between courage and consideration, is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to win-win."

-Covey

 

🤩

 

EDIT: when I finish this ebook I will probably get this in hard copy. Good stuff. Overview. 

 

I am at 64% now and kinda want to finish the book today but I'm tired. I will have a nap and see what happens.

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19 hours ago, Aθena said:

but I'm tired. I will have a nap and see what happens.

 

What happened was: I fell asleep (at 15:00ish) and only woke up shortly twice - for 10 mins at 19:00 and for an hour at 2:00- until 6:30AM this morning. :D

 

So,like, what is planning the week and getting little things done in the weekend? No idea. :D  

 

It was truly great to see my friend and have a good walk & see some cultural stuff but it wiped. Me. Out. Apparently. 

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It seems like I accurately predicted this would be Part 1 of getting out of the tutorial zone.

 

I really, really do not even want to go on interviews before I have a thesis topic.

 

And I have not even looked that closely yet. 

 

So the new plan is: to have found one in October. No excuses. 

 

That means not looking at side jobs, not wondering about traineeships or w.e. until I have one.

 

For this I have to get into flow for at least 2 hours a day. Because all the other essays and thesis, I had SOME ideas ready-to-go. The topic for my notarial master thesis had been brewing for maybe 2 years before I picked it.

 

Now I really have no idea and it bothers me :D

 

In the mean time, other stuff will present themselves to fill my time (besides time with family and friends). I don't have to worry about that. I still have the career coaching thing. My own journal project. I will get on a commission for a student association and learn how to use Adobe Indesign. I can always get back on the neighbour mediation boat. I can learn German. I can reorganise the house as much as I want to. Sports.  Passion projects. Hobbies. Yup!

 

EDIT: And I have almost no regular costs. No rent to pay. And I probably won't get the paid tai chi since it turns out the plan's not what I thought I was. You DO get a monthly subscription. And the C.measures are getting more stern again, and they are talking about going back to the way it was in March if the current sterner measures (that are going to be for 3 weeks) do not bring the R back down under 1.

 

Soooo.... Yeah. 

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Speaking of hobbies, here is a picture of a flower (spoiler) :D

 

I am getting into it again. It was very difficult to get this focused because of the wind. I held the flower in place with my hand after trying to for a while haha

 

EDIT: I was wondering yesterday how some people have these "theme days" (I heard it on The Mustards youtube channel, and they only talk about themselves but I'm sure they're not the only ones). If I do my full evening routine, I'm going for 1,5-2 hours, I wonder if I can be faster but. I mean. It's the end of your day!

 

Sooo... When would I add a themed element, like a movie day, or take-care-of-my-nails-time, or spending extra time on caring for my hair, or Idk.

I will try to be quicker about it tonight! 

 

These were the first REAL TRIES to do my full "AM" and "PM" programs in a while, I should get faster as I do them more often.

 

EDIT2: So, I could not focus on my laptop stuff so I went to help my mom put some holes into a wardrobe that turned out did not have holes for shelves. We got it almost for free second-hand, and got some shelves from... Ikea I think? 

 

Mid-project, the battery of the electric screwdriver went out. The other battery was empty. Apparently they're getting old. Oh well, she could do fine without!

 

In other words, mom is going back to how I know her. :) With a less co-operative body but still. She enjoys re-arranging interiors, putting stuff together. Also sewing random stuff as therapy but we have enough bed stuff and table cloths and need new furniture arrangements so the choice is obvious :D 

 

Spoiler

 

20200925_102554.jpg

 

 

 

Edit3: (at around 11:37) I found 36 possible contenders for the 36 missing files. HURRAH. Downside: it could be many more because onedrive is a bit weird with which ~$ it allows and which not, but those are non-relevant files. The problem is that I may have not searched enough to see if other files are not missing.

 

Anyway, I did what I could, I'm just going to be careful with what I delete now, making sure imporant files are backed up and/or keeping them on my laptop if they do not take up a lot of space.

 

CHALLENGE-RELATED (whatever I think of):

  • The ballerina static stretch is almost not taking any effort anymore, yay. Idk if I'm still walking like a duckling when I do not watch myself but my awareness is up and it feels good to stretch while I meditate so. I'll keep doing it. 
  • The wall stand is taking a lot with regards to remembering how to keep my shoulders & hips, and breathe, but my shoulders are a lot more relaxed. Need to do more shoulder stretches/mobility stuff.
  • I have not been good about thinking about the posture cues.
  • I'm down to about 66,5 kg. Which is good. Not using MFP as well as I could but I've been telling my partner what I've been eating. And when I go hard in the first part of the day, trying to keep it to veggies or water in the second part. Stuff like that. Works for me apparently.
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Clearly you have been thinking hard about changes you want to make in your life. I look forward to seeing how your new approaches work out.

On 9/26/2020 at 12:25 AM, Aθena said:

Naturally, my mantra was still "nothing makes me uncomfortable". And afterwards, I did not spend obsessing over how I spoke and what I said. 

 

I love this.

 

On 9/26/2020 at 12:25 AM, Aθena said:

I think I started doing something like what I usually do but I thought of what the Friday tai chi teacher said: there is always something that is trying to pull you out of balance. Balance is dynamic. You simply have to breathe and get back to your center.

 

And so I did.

 

Also: I finally internalisased this thought/it sunk in:

 

I am not going to look for (a) place(s) where I fit in. ESPECIALLY when I try fitting in, I don't. When I let go, things flow. And still, I don't fit in entirely, like some people seem to do. And it's human to want to do so, but it's not a very good idea to try to.

 

There is only one me. And I know I have a lot to offer. Especially when my brain is not burdened with thoughts about how others see me or think about how or what I said.

 

That is a healthy attitude to have.

 

I don't think other people actually fit in easily. I think some people fake fitting in very effectively. Imposter Syndrome seems to be a universal thing. You are absolutely right to concentrate on the skills and values you can bring to an organization.  Those are what will make you stand out from the crowd of applicants.

 

On 9/27/2020 at 2:50 AM, Harriet said:

This is a great win. I have also been in the habit of reviewing social interactions obsessively to check for failures. As if other people can't cope or won't like me if I say something wrong? 

 

I think it is worthwhile to review social interactions, but not to obsessively check for failures. Instead check for opportunities. What did you say that got someone's attention? What made them smile or frown? What did they say that you can build on to improve the relationship in the future?

 

Not to say that there are not going to be failures from time to time. I'm participating in a study group on unconscious bias at work. I am learning that I've been thoughtless more than I realized. I may very well need to go back and apologize to people. We are human, this happens a lot.

 

On 9/28/2020 at 2:03 AM, Aθena said:

What happened was: I fell asleep (at 15:00ish) and only woke up shortly twice - for 10 mins at 19:00 and for an hour at 2:00- until 6:30AM this morning. :D

 

That is a sign that your body needed sleep. Good for you for listening to it.

 

15 hours ago, Aθena said:

Speaking of hobbies, here is a picture of a flower (spoiler) :D

 

Lovely photo!

 

15 hours ago, Aθena said:

Edit3: (at around 11:37) I found 36 possible contenders for the 36 missing files. HURRAH. Downside: it could be many more because onedrive is a bit weird with which ~$ it allows and which not, but those are non-relevant files. The problem is that I may have not searched enough to see if other files are not missing.

 

Anyway, I did what I could, I'm just going to be careful with what I delete now, making sure imporant files are backed up and/or keeping them on my laptop if they do not take up a lot of space.

 

When I was working on my thesis, a friend who worked with computers warned me to always make three separate backups of my important documents. You have the working copy on your computer. Then you have a backup on removable media (back then on disk, now on a USB). You think you did your due diligence, right?

 

Not so. Imagine your computer has been hacked but you don't know it yet. You try to open your working copy of your thesis and it is corrupted. That is bad, but you have a backup. You put in your USB and try to open the backup. Now your USB is corrupted too. You cry and gnash your teeth.

 

This is why you need the second and third backups in different places. One in the cloud, another on different removable media. That way when something terrible happens, you still have your documents. Making backups takes time. Think about how much time you spend writing. Think about how you would feel about having to spend that time again. That informs how often you should back up your files.

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21 hours ago, Mistr said:

When I was working on my thesis, a friend who worked with computers warned me to always make three separate backups of my important documents. You have the working copy on your computer. Then you have a backup on removable media (back then on disk, now on a USB). You think you did your due diligence, right?

 

Thanks for the reminder! There's a lot I have to get back on, thank you and everyone else that has provided me with some awesome insights and are helping some things click in my brain.

 

Today, right? I woke up groggy, tired, but the day started out and was generally different than otherwise. I am generally a positive person, or I try to be, but I woke up with deep breaths reminding myself I am doing to do add value today, etc.

 

  • I remembered why I lost sleep last night: it was not because of electronics or other aimless stuff, which, more on that later. So I let go of the feeling bad that I did not go to sleep on time.
  • It was because I was updating a laptop on which I had a program to edit PDFs, to help my mom with her cv stuff. This is something in line with my principles and values. I shook off any tiredness and went on with my day with, among other things, that to do in mind. (The other main to-do was my thesis topic, which I want to be a person that finishes things, and this is something I think is worth finishing.)
  • This evening, still tired, I thought about what I would get most out of doing from my evening routine. Besides brushing my teeth. I made myself fill in the to-dos I am thinking of doing tomorrow and those I wanted to do today in an Eisenhower matrix. IT TOOK ME 3 TRIES UNTIL I ACTUALLY MADE MYSELF EVALUATE ALL TASKS. Apparently I was trying to chicken out of it, 😛 But, eventually, a few things clicked:
    • Important does not have to mean. Life-Changing. It can mean: important to ME. Even if it's grooming stuff.
    • Important is tied to that flipping the script thing. Not "I don't have the time" but "I am choosing not to make this a priority".
    • Important does not mean: I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE THIS A PRIORITY EVER. It means: I am not going to do so now. Because of time,energy,drive, whatever. I am the judge of what the criteria are, and whatever I choose to the best of my current ability, is right. For now. 
    • I remembered "urgent" means, it has to be done within a couple of days. Not something that feels urgent because it is weighing down on me.

 

It turns out that not understanding these things/how to use this tool & not puttiing ALL tasks in the matrix is why it I thought it did not work for me. Although I haven't tried actually using this set-up for a to-do list, I can see its potential.

 

Moreover, the mobile app time tracking thing is working with motivating me. It was a bit harsh last week: "YOU DID NOT HIT YOUR GOAL ON BUT ONE DAY LAST WEEK." and that was all. But this week, I AM staying under my "average amount of time on my phone" from 2 weeks ago (which is what I made my goal). Usually just 5 minutes, but it's a start. WOOHOO!

 

 

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On 9/29/2020 at 4:30 PM, Mistr said:

When I was working on my thesis, a friend who worked with computers warned me to always make three separate backups of my important documents. You have the working copy on your computer. Then you have a backup on removable media (back then on disk, now on a USB). You think you did your due diligence, right?

 

Not so. Imagine your computer has been hacked but you don't know it yet. You try to open your working copy of your thesis and it is corrupted. That is bad, but you have a backup. You put in your USB and try to open the backup. Now your USB is corrupted too. You cry and gnash your teeth.

 

 

When I was on the tech support front lines, years ago, I took a call from a person whose computer had died. They had a backup of their personal files on a USB drive, and the USB drive was no longer recognized by any computer it was plugged into. We did troubleshooting and determined that the USB drive indeed was as dead as electronics can get.

 

My customer literally started to cry, in loud desperate sobbing for several minutes (yes, it was quite awkward). They eventually managed to explain the USB drive was where they kept the backup copy of the master thesis they spent the past four years of their life working on. And the only backup of their research notes, and their list of sources, and all emails with feedback from their advisor. Everything, in other words, with no secondary backup created for redundancy.

 

Please do not put yourself in that position.

 

This is my advice, as a computer person whose career includes lots of storage devices:

 

1. Keep a working copy on your computer.

2. Configure the working copy so it automatically syncs to a cloud account, either OneDrive, Google Drive, Dropbox, or any other that you can access from any computer with an internet connection. That guarantees you will have the latest version of your work in the cloud with out needing to remember to do anything.

3. Back up your work to a portable hard drive, not a USB drive

4. Download the app for your cloud account to your smartphone and verify you can get to the file there, and that you can download it. This is your secondary backup device, that you are unlikely to misplace - most of us keep track of our phones.

5. Repeat steps 1-4 for any other critical files or folders your work in progress relies on.

 

It's impossible to be too paranoid about important data. :) 

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12 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Please do not put yourself in that position.

 

This story should be spread around anywhere people write work that takes a lot of effort and time :D Holy moly, I feel sad for this customer.

 

Usually, I have a file of an assignment I am working on, on my computer & on the cloud. (University provided. I need to figure out what I will do when I graduate...)

 

Though the auto-saving option lagged my laptop badly a few times when wifi was lost and it DID NOT save the last paragraph I wrote (lecture notes), and I missed a lot of info, but I just started backing up my lecture notes directly after a lecture.

 

I use HARDDRIVES, not usb's for backups.

 

Someone once told me:"If you have something saved on less than 2 locations, it's not important to you." 

 

I only had a problem with a lost assignment once, and I was really tired and scattered then :D

 

I bought a 2TB harddrive yesterday (Seagate backup plus slim). Kind of an impulse buy so I will read reviews  and google any issues people had with it. My WD that is 10ish years old died on me recently but luckily it was also just backups of files.

 

My samsung harddrive has been GREAT, on there I think I have LOTS of things I have not backed up but super important stuff I think I can get otherwise, like via an email I have sent to someone or a government account (administrative stuff).

 

I recently sent EVERYTHING I had on my mac to onedrive, which apparently was not as much as I thought. And deleted a lot of things on mac. 

 

I read somewhere that clouds corrupt audio files, and I have some recordings of lectures/seminars there I would ideally like to keep but I won't feel like lost a limb if I did. It just seems useful to have but I have got my grades for all those subjects so no biggie. And most of my notes are printed & additional comments I missed while typing my notes I have written on paper too, it's how I revise(d).

 

I realised what I had done wrong is keeping folders I don't need to access or even just backups on Onedrive synced to my laptop, and THAT was what had made my laptop so full.

 

Now I unsynced everything and going to only sync a folder with the files I am working on when that is needed. So for my thesis & when I have my last course in March-april. 

 

I am also going to use the harddrive as my physical backup of whats on Onedrive. Especially because I have music and stuff .

 

I deleted a LOOOT of albums the other day too. I just don't listen to music like I used to. And if I am going to spend € on mb's, and risk losing data and hassle and time spent backing up stuff etc.etc. I might as well just get a Spotify subscription. :) I used youtube for that usually but the ads are getting worse and worse. Have not found a good Adblock for phones yet.

 

Anyway. I rather spend that energy and time on files that I cannot get in another way.

 

So that's my view on backups and so on. My mom is a hardware engineer and has an affinity with software  so I am brought up properly in that regard :D

 

Though I really need to set up a digital Mari Kondo & general upkeep like with a house.

 

There are soooo many files I probably do not want to keep anymore. Like pictures saved that I know now I will rarely look at. From when I was a teen. I had friends that constantly changed their wallpapers everywhere but I don't bother with that too much. Did not back then either but it was fun to save pics and talk about them with people. And sentimentality did not let me delete them later on :D

 

Ah. Something for a summer vacation. Now... To do some admin stuff!

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Just now, Aθena said:

Someone once told me:"If you have something saved on less than 2 locations, it's not important to you." 

 

On 9/30/2020 at 12:30 AM, Mistr said:

You think you did your due diligence, right?

 

Not so. Imagine your computer has been hacked but you don't know it yet. You try to open your working copy of your thesis and it is corrupted. That is bad, but you have a backup. You put in your USB and try to open the backup. Now your USB is corrupted too. You cry and gnash your teeth.

 

 

Oh yeah! Apprently 3 places is the new norm :D

 

One on the cloud!

 

No wonder cloudy services are so expensive 😅

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