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Cheetah is still here.


Cheetah

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I almost decided to not post a challenge.  I'm feeling down lately.  This happens, because I have bipolar disorder.  So I'm a bit depressed, and that makes it hard to do things like exercise or care about what I eat.  However, I know that doing good things is still important and being here is a good thing, so here I am.

 

I don't know what my goals will be.  I feel like in my last challenge my goals were as small and simple as they possibly could be, and I still failed miserably.  So I don't know where to go from there.  I'll figure it out later. 

 

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  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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Sorry you're on a downward slope. I'll be happy to slide down with you and sit with you where you are.

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Doing what you can is good. Even when it doesn't line up with what you feel you should be able to do. Sorry things are rough right now.

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I'm sorry to hear you're on a downswing Cheetah. It's ok to not nail your goals all the time. Speaking from experience sometimes you just need to just focus on the treading water bit before you can start swimming, and I don't come here to watch you smash your goals every time. I come here to read about what's going on in your life - good and bad - because I care and I am interested in you as a person, and your life. 

 

So do what you need to do but please keep coming back and spending some of your day with us if you can.

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The Sarcastic Computator

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17 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Sorry you're on a downward slope. I'll be happy to slide down with you and sit with you where you are.

 

Thanks Tank!  It's good to have you along.

 

16 hours ago, Kestrel Grey said:

Doing what you can is good. Even when it doesn't line up with what you feel you should be able to do. Sorry things are rough right now.

 

Thanks.  I do try to keep reminding myself to be grateful for the little wins, whatever they are.

 

12 hours ago, deftona said:

I'm sorry to hear you're on a downswing Cheetah. It's ok to not nail your goals all the time. Speaking from experience sometimes you just need to just focus on the treading water bit before you can start swimming, and I don't come here to watch you smash your goals every time. I come here to read about what's going on in your life - good and bad - because I care and I am interested in you as a person, and your life. 

 

So do what you need to do but please keep coming back and spending some of your day with us if you can.

 

Thanks Deffy, I will try to keep all this in mind, and I will keep coming back.

 

 

So I've been checking out Carrie Fisher a bit lately.  I'm not sure what got me on this track, but I've now read two of her autobios and I've started on a third.  I'll try to read one of her novels next, which will be hard because my library seems not to have it so I might have to get the ebook through Kindle, but that wouldn't be too bad.  They made a movie out of it so I'll probably watch that too if I get a chance.  She's an interesting person.  She speaks very frankly and openly about her struggles with bipolar and addiction, which I can relate to as I also have both of those struggles.  Of course, my mother isn't Debbie Reynolds, so mine has been a different journey, but anyway.  It turns out she's also damn funny and if you have some time, look up some of her talk show interviews on youtube.  She's hilarious.  I kind of wish she was still around so I could try to meet her at a convention or something, pay for an autograph and say, "Hi Carrie, I'm crazy too, thanks for sharing your life."

  • Like 5

  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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17 hours ago, deftona said:

I don't come here to watch you smash your goals every time

 

Very much this.  ❤️  We're just here because we like you. Thank you for letting us be here with you!

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SKY ELVENWORD

The Silver Archer, Ranger Level 42

Jesus-follower | Writer | Encourager | Resident Myers-Briggs and Enneagram Geek 

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On 9/9/2020 at 8:04 PM, SkyGirl said:

 

Very much this.  ❤️  We're just here because we like you. Thank you for letting us be here with you!

 

Thanks, that means a lot.  🙂

 

8 hours ago, doctorake said:

Here to watch you hit your goals!

 

You know, I just might.  As soon as I figure out what they are.  😉

 

6 hours ago, GoodDoug said:

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So, I'm trying to figure out what my goals are going to be. Here's the thing that's making it hard.  I'm on meds for the bipolar.  I've been on them for about 6 years now I think.  They work very well for me and for the most part I'm very stable and as close to fully functional as any human is likely to be.  Being on mood stabilizers is kind of an odd feeling, or series of feelings.  Without them, I've lived through some very pronounced highs and lows that made getting through the day a real bitch.  That was my life for a long time.  Now, with the meds, the highs and lows are farther apart, they don't last as long, and they're more like plateaus that are just a bit up or down from the baseline, instead of soaring peaks and bottomless pits.  Does that make sense? 

 

So right now I'm in a depressive phase.  I can tell that's what's going on because over the last 6 years I've learned to read the signs.  I'm losing interest in things.  I'm more anti-social than usual; the thought of dealing with humans makes me tired.  I want to eat too much.  I'm having a harder time remembering what's going on. I'm getting that feeling in the shadowy corner of my consciousness that maybe drinking alcohol might be a good idea again. So, all that's going on and it sounds a little rough, right?  But, in my head I still have this memory of what depression was like before.  I spent a lot of time in a place so dark that my only comfort was that I could decide to end my life any time I wanted to.  That was rough duty.  The problems I'm having this week are actually pretty mild, to the extent that if I didn't know what to look for, I might miss them entirely. 

 

So goals.  On the one hand, I want to respect the fact that I've got wacky brain chemicals making me want to do not much of anything and eat almost everything.  I could say my goal is to just survive the next couple of weeks until this passes, and then I'll get back on my shit.  On the other hand, a lot of the time I feel basically okay, and I'm not totally sure that I'm not just making excuses for being lazy.  It's easy for me to chastise and criticize myself for not taking better care of my diet and exercise.

 

It's getting late.  I could go on but you get the idea.  I'll think about it more tomorrow.

 

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  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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2 hours ago, Cheetah said:

I spent a lot of time in a place so dark that my only comfort was that I could decide to end my life any time I wanted to.  That was rough duty.  The problems I'm having this week are actually pretty mild, to the extent that if I didn't know what to look for, I might miss them entirely. 

 

I'm really glad you're not there now. I hope this goes without saying now you're out the other side of the really really dark place, but the world is a much better place with you in it and I like the person you are very much. 

 

2 hours ago, Cheetah said:

So goals.  On the one hand, I want to respect the fact that I've got wacky brain chemicals making me want to do not much of anything and eat almost everything.  I could say my goal is to just survive the next couple of weeks until this passes, and then I'll get back on my shit.  On the other hand, a lot of the time I feel basically okay, and I'm not totally sure that I'm not just making excuses for being lazy.  It's easy for me to chastise and criticize myself for not taking better care of my diet and exercise.

 

I think you need to focus your goals on what will actually help you get through this. I know you mentioned that you're not totally sure you're not being lazy here, but a few sentences ago you acknowledge that you've been living with bipolar for 6 years and have learned to read the signs so trust your instincts. Have a challenge where you're really kind to yourself. Where you indulge yourself a little. There are times for harsh goals and getting firm with yourself but this probably isn't it. 

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The Sarcastic Computator

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9 hours ago, deftona said:

I'm really glad you're not there now. I hope this goes without saying now you're out the other side of the really really dark place, but the world is a much better place with you in it and I like the person you are very much. 

 

Aww, thanks!  I like you too.  🙂

 

9 hours ago, deftona said:

I think you need to focus your goals on what will actually help you get through this

 

You know, I hadn't looked at it this way, but I think you're right.  I think self-care goals are the order of the day.  I'll give some thought to that and come up with a few.

 

Okay, I think I've got a couple:

 

Yoga - This will serve two purposes.  It will be something physical I can do, so I feel like I'm checking the "exercise" box.  The time spent grounding and centering is very beneficial to my mental well-being.  It feels more like taking a break than engaging in work.  Also, I have a lot of tight joints lately and I could do with a bit of limbering up.  So that's three purposes.  Sounds like a winner to me.  I should be able to do a yoga practice on my lunch breaks from work.  I might not do it every day, but I'll try for two to three a week.  That way I'm still leaving some lunch breaks for Zelda.  That princess isn't going to save herself.

 

Permission to Eat - I've been attempting Mindful Eating for a while now, with some success.  One of my main difficulties with it is that I'm supposed to give myself permission to eat anything at any time, according to my body's cues.  I have really struggled with actually giving myself this permission.  So in this season, I'm going for it.  Nothing is off-limits, and no quantity is too much.  One of my favorite things is a line on the menu at my local all-you-can-eat sushi place.  "Keep ordering until you get happy!"

 

Credit where it's Due - I'm going to try to report as many little victories as I can.  I need to spend some time patting myself on the back for being the responsible, functional person that I am.  I do a lot of little things every day that are good habits I've built over the years.  They've become so habitual that I forget that at one time, these were goals that seemed insurmountable.  It's time to give myself some medals.

 

I think that's good.  I'll start now.

 

It's Friday, and that means donuts.  I had two because I wanted two, and I'm very happy with that decision.  Also, I'm posting an update, and communicating with humans is a win for me.

 

Happy Friday, Humans!

  • Like 8

  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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  • Cheetah changed the title to Cheetah is Kind to Cheetah

fellow metal health warrior here. I like the idea of yoga. If it gets really ugly with the depression maybe you can aim for the 3 good things you feel grateful for this day. I do best when I set mini goals and proceed with baby steps. Then I put a little more on my plate and see how that goes. Being here with this awesome group is a resource that's good for me and you will be supported whenever you need us. Good luck for the challenge and look for the little things you did well each day. You'll kick depressions arse! hard! ❤️

be fearlessly yourself! :onthego:

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1 hour ago, Cheetah said:

Credit where it's Due - I'm going to try to report as many little victories as I can.  I need to spend some time patting myself on the back for being the responsible, functional person that I am.  I do a lot of little things every day that are good habits I've built over the years.  They've become so habitual that I forget that at one time, these were goals that seemed insurmountable.  It's time to give myself some medals.

Wow, I need to remember that as well. Thnx for bringing this up

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2 hours ago, Cheetah said:

Credit where it's Due - I'm going to try to report as many little victories as I can.  I need to spend some time patting myself on the back for being the responsible, functional person that I am.  I do a lot of little things every day that are good habits I've built over the years.  They've become so habitual that I forget that at one time, these were goals that seemed insurmountable.  It's time to give myself some medals.

 

I love all of your new goals, but I love this the best. 

 

2 hours ago, Cheetah said:

It's Friday, and that means donuts.  I had two because I wanted two

 

*whispers* secretly, this is actually my favourite bit. 

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The Sarcastic Computator

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Saturday

 

Today was alright.  I found out that I can access my complete medical history through the VA and read all of my psych evals for the last 6 years, which is how long I've been in treatment for bipolar.  Very interesting stuff.  Some patterns emerge.  I'm very sensitive to disturbances in sleep and seasonal changes, and a couple of other triggers too.  So I think that my current down phase was kicked off by a combination of lack of sleep and lack of exercise.  I know I said I was going to do yoga for a goal, but I think I need to walk.  Walking pulled me out of a down spell last winter.  I think that getting a little exercise *is* self care for me.  I'm thinking about it, anyway.

 

I ate a lot today, because I wanted too.  I don't feel really great, to be honest.  I think my body is finally starting to learn what too much is like.  That would be interesting.

 

I went to my in-laws today to visit and help move furniture and stuff.  I do a good job of being generous with my time and effort, and I love my in-laws.  I did this even though I felt like isolating today, so that was a win.

 

P.s.  A Side effect of one of my meds is suppressed metabolism and weight gain.  There's something to think about.

  • Like 4

  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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4 hours ago, Cheetah said:

I know I said I was going to do yoga for a goal, but I think I need to walk.  Walking pulled me out of a down spell last winter.  I think that getting a little exercise *is* self care for me.  I'm thinking about it, anyway.

 

If you're getting out and about to do your walking it will be pulling double duty because being outdoors and in nature will probably help too. Also there's that time away from the daily grind and away from others where you can collect your thoughts. 

 

We're not supposed to be cooped up inside all day. 

The Sarcastic Computator

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17 hours ago, deftona said:

double duty

That is exactly what I am thinking.

 

Sunday

 

Today started with me feeling like I didn't want to go to church and deal with people.  I can be a little antisocial at the best of times, but this was deeper.  I went anyway.  Afterwards we had our life group over.  Everyone showed up, which means 10 adults and 12 kids ages 12 - 0.  I spent the whole time outside by the grill with a couple of the other men.  It was relatively peaceful.

 

After everyone left I took a walk in the sun with my kids.  We did 2 miles around the neighborhood.  I felt better after.  So that's a real thing, as if there was any doubt.  

 

I ate too much lunch and my stomach wasn't happy for a while but I feel better now.  I'm not likely to be hungry again today, but I am planning to get ice cream when I pick up my daughter from youth group.  So ice cream for dinner tonight.  Self care continues, unabashed.

  • Like 5

  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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On 9/13/2020 at 7:31 PM, Cheetah said:

After everyone left I took a walk in the sun with my kids.  We did 2 miles around the neighborhood.  I felt better after.  So that's a real thing, as if there was any doubt.

 

 

This sounds nice!

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Monday 

 

I'll have to try to remember Monday.  Let's see.  For food I had a burger king breakfast, lunch was leftover chili, dinner was spaghetti with meat sauce and sauteed brussels sprouts.  Ice cream for dessert.  Nothing was excessive and I did not feel like I was restricting myself.  Win.

 

I didn't get to go home for lunch, so after I got home from work I took a quick walk around the block.  I would have liked to do more, but it was definitely better than nothing and it felt good to get out.

 

I was at work late yesterday because of an issue with a student.  I didn't handle the conversation very well and today I have to go in, even though I have taken the day off, and try to clean up the small mess I made.  So that's not fun.

 

When I got home last night I was all keyed up soi took the walk and then rage-cleaned my kitchen.  I was actually a little bit glad that there were dishes to do.  Afterwards I felt better and the kitchen was clean.  Double win!

 

I think the depressed cycle started earlier that I had thought.  I think it was about three weeks possibly as much as six.  I feel like I might be coming out of it now; yesterday and today have been a lot better.  I feel more motivated and engaged in my life.  It's amazing how much a little awareness and self care can do.

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  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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Hi Cheetah!

 

I've opted to follow less folks this time around because I keep getting overwhelmed, but you are one I am following!   Because I like you and you make me smile.   I am sorry you're on a grey scale right now-  I know that I get super messed up every September. (My Sept 2018 challenge was specifically to fight the Gloom Monster!)   I did not know (or had forgotten) you struggle with BPD.    I want to just say that between your efforts, your Rx and your self education on what you live with, you manage it very, very well.     So much so, that I often find you a source to help with my own zen. :)    So yes, do what ya need to.  We're here thick and thin.        Heck, take it one day at a time if ya need to.  

 

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11 hours ago, Starpuck said:

Hi Cheetah!

 

I've opted to follow less folks this time around because I keep getting overwhelmed, but you are one I am following!   Because I like you and you make me smile.   I am sorry you're on a grey scale right now-  I know that I get super messed up every September. (My Sept 2018 challenge was specifically to fight the Gloom Monster!)   I did not know (or had forgotten) you struggle with BPD.    I want to just say that between your efforts, your Rx and your self education on what you live with, you manage it very, very well.     So much so, that I often find you a source to help with my own zen. :)    So yes, do what ya need to.  We're here thick and thin.        Heck, take it one day at a time if ya need to.  

 

 

Thank you for the kind words.  I'm glad you are here.  🙂

 

7 hours ago, deftona said:

How did sorting out the issue go?

 

Really well.  Better than I expected.

 

 

Tuesday

 

Food today was good.  I had yogurt and granola for breakfast.  I took the kids to school, and because it was a half day and I had to pick them up again 4 hours later, I stayed on that side of town.  I went to one of my favorite parks, where they have a 90-acre wood along a river.  It's lovely and I hiked about three miles.  Then I sat on a park bench and did some duolingo.  I saw a red-tailed hawk almost grab a squirrel from a tree branch.  It was a very near thing for the squirrel.  After I picked up the kids we had a fast food lunch, which was not excessive, and went to the zoo.  We saw sea lions and walruses and flamingos and zebras and one ostrich and giraffes and rhinoceroses and cheetahs obvs. and elephants and warthogs and porcupines.  Once at the zoo I saw the porcupines having sex so now when it comes up in conversation I can say I know how it works.

 

After the zoo we came home via the hardware store where I bought a new battery powered weed wacker.  I wacked my weeds in it and I am very pleased.  For dinner we had grilled pork steaks and steamed broccoli.  It was good.  My beautiful wife went to a Bible study and I played some zelda.  When she got home I went to work and talked to my student, and the issue was resolved with very little argument, so that's done now.

 

I have a bad headache.  I hope it doesn't keep me up.

  • Like 3

  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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12 hours ago, deftona said:

 

Sex in general, or specifically porcupine sex?

 

Happily, I have been familiar with general sex for quite some time, and  I have the offspring to prove it.  Now, thanks to my observation at the zoo, I also have first-hand knowledge of porcupine-specific sex. 

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  Level 44 Quasi-Human Ranger     

"Forget failure.  Forget mistakes.  Forget everything except what you're going to do NOW, and DO IT." - Lou Ferrigno

"Foxes Never Quit!"  -  Leicester City FC

KBO. - Churchill

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  • Cheetah changed the title to Cheetah is still here.

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