Chatting (flirting?) with a guy at the gym

[Renate]

First of all, never EVER fault yourself for "crying like a high school kid". 

Don't fault yourself for taking your time to open up. It took as long as it had to.

 

Things like this require experience for us to mature, but experience requires you to be vulnerable. There are REASONS behind why we are so careful, and whatever they are, they are perfectly valid. These defences used to serve you. Now they don't, and you are letting them go!

 

I find you so brave that you dared do this. And you did so well writing here and expressing what you are experiencing. 

 

This is painful, but these are growing pains. Let them come over you. Feel them. Brace the gym.

 

What's the absolute WORST that could happen if you break down in front of him? It will be a bit embaressing for you. It will be painful, maybe you will choose not to go to that gym anymore. But it will be yet another experience that will help you grow, if you let it.

 

I am writing this as much for you as I am for myself. I never had a problem with approaching someone I like, whether this be as a potential friend or romantic interest. But it would always be with a laugh, with a brush, with a bunch of shields that were (are?) virtually unimpregnable and would (do?) go up at the slightest sign of danger. If nothing is going on, I would THINK of possible things I could do wrong in the near future. And up up they went (go?).

 

Iron must be struck when it's hot, and we must let it get hot. Whether we open ourselves up and someone rises up to this, or does not, this shows our brains that vulnerability is not the end of the world. That we are strong, and we survive and even thrive. In the face of acceptance, in the face of rejection.

 

If not for interesting and honest gym guy, maybe for someone else.

 

You are an eloquent, thoughtful, active, interesting person. Go forth and conquer ❤️ And when your knees are shaking, post about it here, shake it off, and continue.

 

PS - it's perfectly fine to want to raise your chances to be with this guy, if it does not work with the other person. But here's a quote for you that might convince you that vulnerability might actually give you exactly what you are looking for. (Of course, this does not work for everyone, but still.)

“I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful. I appreciate rawness so much.”

― Emery Allen

[gabrielle_of_poteidia]

@Athena this is such a powerful response, thank you! Your words are both profound and poetic.

 

I do, despite everything, feel incredibly brave. I don't think I would change the fact that I spoke up. He told me himself that he admired my bravery, and I hope that at least secures me some respect if I do get a little teary at some point in the future.

 

It's been a long journey to get here. I'm a DV survivor and I carry a lot of trauma with me from the past. I get extremely nervous when I receive interest from men and rarely experience mutual attraction as I will usually feel threatened before I get the chance to reciprocate, or take so long getting that iron hot that they've long since lost interest. I have a far healthier dynamic with women, but the relationships tend to fizzle very quickly. I think this particular rejection has touched a nerve as my last relationship was a 2 year car crash where I was caught up in a recurring love triangle and kept on a back burner in case things didn't work out with one of the other women. I guess I should be grateful I didn't get drawn into that nonsense again, but it still hurts when I'm constantly losing out to "better offers" and sends a clear message that I'm not worth committing to (but other people are).

 

I'm not sure what the likelihood is of my meeting someone else at this stage. It's been ten years since the last time I was interested in anyone at all, and most of my interests seem to be toxic or lacklustre. It was nice to have that "oh, wow!" feeling about someone but it's never happened before and I find it hard to believe it would happen again. But I've taken steps to build myself a good life for myself. I have a close circle of friends, and bought a home with my best friend. I have 2 beautiful cats and I'm working on getting a qualification that will boost my career. I will be okay, either way.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

25 minutes ago, gabrielle_of_poteidia said:

I do, despite everything, feel incredibly brave. I don't think I would change the fact that I spoke up. He told me himself that he admired my bravery, and I hope that at least secures me some respect if I do get a little teary at some point in the future.

 Apologies for the non-inclusive language, it was from the early 20th century:

26 minutes ago, gabrielle_of_poteidia said:

I'm not sure what the likelihood is of my meeting someone else at this stage. It's been ten years since the last time I was interested in anyone at all, and most of my interests seem to be toxic or lacklustre. It was nice to have that "oh, wow!" feeling about someone but it's never happened before and I find it hard to believe it would happen again. But I've taken steps to build myself a good life for myself. I have a close circle of friends, and bought a home with my best friend. I have 2 beautiful cats and I'm working on getting a qualification that will boost my career. I will be okay, either way.

As you get healthier, your attraction to toxicity will recede. My first marriage was very emotionally unhealthy, and I endured a lot of gaslighting and verbal abuse. As I was in therapy before during and after the divorce, the counselor told me that if I didn't grow past my own issues I would keep attracting people like my ex, but if I did grow past them I would be far more likely to find a healthy relationship.

[Renate]

48 minutes ago, gabrielle_of_poteidia said:

It was nice to have that "oh, wow!" feeling about someone but it's never happened before and I find it hard to believe it would happen again. But I've taken steps to build myself a good life for myself. I have a close circle of friends, and bought a home with my best friend. I have 2 beautiful cats and I'm working on getting a qualification that will boost my career. I will be okay, either way.

 

The haste with which he exchanged numbers with you suggest greatly you attracted him (but he remained respectful). The way he handled your offer speaks well of him. It is likely this already suggests you are attracting less toxic people. And are attracted to. Timing's a bitch, yes, but you never know how things will unfold.

 

It is very satisfying to read you have found connection and meaning without a relationship. Thank you for sharing.

 

48 minutes ago, gabrielle_of_poteidia said:

I do, despite everything, feel incredibly brave.

 

This also makes my heart smile.

 

Keep doing you. 

 

For the rest, I agree with Tank (tm)

 

[gabrielle_of_poteidia]

28 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

As you get healthier, your attraction to toxicity will recede. My first marriage was very emotionally unhealthy, and I endured a lot of gaslighting and verbal abuse. As I was in therapy before during and after the divorce, the counselor told me that if I didn't grow past my own issues I would keep attracting people like my ex, but if I did grow past them I would be far more likely to find a healthy relationship.

 

I'm so sorry for your experiences. Often people don't realise how damaging the emotional abuse can be. Although my ex was only violent on a handful of occasions, the verbal abuse was debilitating, and the control and the threats were often all that were needed. Those cruel words stay with you for years.  I'm glad to hear you've been able to move on.

 

27 minutes ago, Athena said:

The haste with which he exchanged numbers with you suggest greatly you attracted him (but he remained respectful). The way he handled your offer speaks well of him. It is likely this already suggests you are attracting less toxic people. Timing's a bitch, yes, but you never know how things will unfold.

 

I'm kind of clinging to this possibility at times, but at others I feel like I'd have preferred a flat out "no thanks".  No missed opportunity, no fragile hope. Sometimes I try to imagine that I never really stood a chance and he was just being polite and regretted it. But as you say, it still bodes well in that I am no longer a target for no-good people, which is an improvement!

[Machete]

On 5/20/2021 at 1:47 PM, Athena said:

“I think I fall in love a little bit with anyone who shows me their soul. This world is so guarded and fearful. I appreciate rawness so much.”

― Emery Allen

 

 

  

On 5/20/2021 at 4:06 PM, gabrielle_of_poteidia said:

I'm kind of clinging to this possibility at times, but at others I feel like I'd have preferred a flat out "no thanks".  No missed opportunity, no fragile hope.

 

I'm a fan of the hard "no." I have a really hard time reading people, so I'd lay all the cards out and straight-out ask, "yes, or no?" (Got rejected many, many times, and it hurt every time. Haha) I remember my first relationship I was clinging on to false hope for so long, I pretty much told her "yo, like, can you just go and tell me to f-- off so I can get a straight rejection and I'll never bother you again?"

[gabrielle_of_poteidia]

On 5/24/2021 at 7:05 AM, Machete said:

I'm a fan of the hard "no." I have a really hard time reading people, so I'd lay all the cards out and straight-out ask, "yes, or no?" (Got rejected many, many times, and it hurt every time. Haha) I remember my first relationship I was clinging on to false hope for so long, I pretty much told her "yo, like, can you just go and tell me to f-- off so I can get a straight rejection and I'll never bother you again?"

 

I can totally relate to this, but I suspect that in his head it is a hard no, or as near as damnit. I think it's purely wishful thinking that's interpreting his "I just started seeing someone" as a temporary state of affairs. I think it would come across pretty weird if I asked him to confirm - it's not like he's asked me to wait on the back burner or anything. For the time being, I'm just choosing to entertain a fiction in my head where I tell myself he was just being polite and 100% wasn't interested. If he ever proves me wrong... well, I'll be pleasantly surprised, but I'm trying to push the possibility from my mind. I'm also steering clear for now, going to the other branches, trying my hand at my old classes that have opened up again. Kind of anxious about showing my face again until I know I won't blub in public and look like an idiot. I'm sure I'll get there though. It's just hit me pretty hard and opened up a whole can of worms for me, so I'm working on those issues and trying not to get too caught up on this one thing that I can't control.

 

Thank you to everyone who's been responding to this thread. You've all be so supportive, your kindness has been a great help.

[Dilnad]

I see this as a painful to receive compliment.  He did not say he didn't like you. He did not say he isn't attracted to you. He did not blow you off like a guy who doesn't care. He tried to let you down easy and protect your feelings because he cares.

 

I've read your whole thread and I think you are a woman of good taste. You've clearly make decisions based on the whole picture, not just your eyes alone. You were patient deciding over a period of time. You think about your words and the things you say and evaluate them for intent and sincerity.  I think you are a catch and woman your type is exactly the type of woman that appeals to me. In fact, your story very closely mimics the cat and mouse game between my wife and I that ended in, well, my wife and I.

 

DON'T GIVE UP!! It's not easy for you because you are not looking for A GUY. You are looking for THE GUY which us real guys really dig.  Patience!!  I'm 53 years old and my wife of 3 years is 38.  You are not running out of time. Kick back, keep being awesome and keep pushing forward with your goals. He's out there and your paths will cross. I speak for all nice guys when I say, we won't let a woman of your caliber go unnoticed. He's out there!!

[gabrielle_of_poteidia]

Thank you for your kind words @Dilnad. I agree that his response is at least indicative of a level of respect and consideration. It doesn't exactly make it less painful, but does allow me to continue on with dignity, once I find the courage to return. 

 

You're very kind in your evaluation of my thought process - my poor friends who have been privy to the whole thing in real time would probably interpret it more as me overthinking everything and taking far too long to make a move. There has been a lot of eye rolling and exasperated noises! But I think it's safe to say I don't rush into things.

 

The notion of "giving up" (or not) is complex. Truth be told, I am really not looking for any sort of relationship, nor was I when Captain Hotness rocked up with his movie star good looks and adorable manner and general all round niceness. He was really something of an anomaly. I wouldn't really know how to look for a romantic relationship - I've rather tended to just stumble into them as a result of an existing friendship - and I've actually built my life over recent years on the notion that I cannot rely on acquiring a romantic partner, and assuming that I won't meet one. I've overcome some pretty significant mental health difficulties to get back into work; I've bought a house with my best friend who I consider a platonic life partner; I'm working on a qualification that would allow me to earn enough money to lift me above the poverty line. Due to ongoing mental health difficulties, I cannot live alone or work full time. I'm open to the idea of a romantic partner if such a person comes along (I'm bisexual, so gender is irrelevant) but at the same time I'm not exactly seeking or hoping for one. 

 

That said, this journey has revealed to me that I have ended up more isolated and sedentary than I would like. I have a very small circle of friends, and other than visiting them and hanging out at their houses, I never do anything but work, exercise, and occasionally work on creative projects at home.  So one thing I am planning to do is try and be a little more outgoing and expand my social circles. 

 

Thanks once again to everyone who responded. I'm doing much better than I was a week ago. I've vented to a few friends, including one who was unaware of the whole sorry saga, and it really helped to put it in perspective. I've still yet to go back, but I'm getting much stronger and recognising what associated nerves have been touched by this experience.

[Renate]

On 5/28/2021 at 10:32 PM, gabrielle_of_poteidia said:

I've still yet to go back, but I'm getting much stronger and recognising what associated nerves have been touched by this experience.

 

Thank you so much for sharing even more of your story. ❤️ I'm rooting for you in any way that you need. Go and get 'em (qualifications, an expanded social circle, a romantic relationship (that often comes with an expansion of your social circle, too), all of it!)

 

 

[Kneller]

On 5/28/2021 at 4:32 PM, gabrielle_of_poteidia said:

I wouldn't really know how to look for a romantic relationship...

 

I only stumbled upon your thread while posting one of my own (I'm not terribly active here), but I binged this whole thread like it was a hulu show. I'm sorry things didn't pan out with this dude. I've been in that situations, both as you and as the dude. It's rough stuff. I'm also in a similar situation in terms of finding relationships. They've never been a priority and I've only pursued them when someone particularly interesting happen to come along. I'm a little older than you and I finally met my wife at about a year older than you (and we just had our first child in March), so it can happen at any time.

 

However, reading this thread, I could see that you put a lot of pressure on yourself here. I mean, I get it. But, "Would you like to meet up for coffee?" is a pretty low-pressure thing. You hang out, you talk. Maybe there's something there and you build on it. Maybe not and at least you got a cup of coffee. Let yourself off the hook.

 

Thanks for sharing. I hope things work out!