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Emma endures


Emma

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You enjoy the heck out of that rabbit, and may it bring you many years of happiness.

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Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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2 hours ago, Emma said:

https://mobile.twitter.com/jcfphotog/status/1310731114252623872
 

fire truck porn for @ShadowLion :)

More evacuation orders lifted. I think fire is 58% contained, not sure. PGE turning power back on in evac areas, a very good sign.

 

Spent time at the bookstore next door. Managed to restrain myself. Wanted to treat myself well food wise, but oh dear god, the portion sizes are horrible. And I do eat what is put in front of me. I am thanksgiving day stuffed and I hate feeling like this.


Bought Felicia Day's book, Embrace Your Weird. It is very helpful. I am already making insights that have not occurred to me before about how I relate to other people. Recommend.

 

I also went to a Build-a-Bear store and made a bunny. I had a teddy bear when I was a kid but someone threw it on the roof. I suspect my sister, my brother was too little at the time to be able to throw some thing that far. Anyway, poor Teddy was on the roof for years. By the time my dad could be bothered to take out the ladder and get poor Teddy, he was unsaveable. I really missed my Teddy. I’ve been wanting to replace him but the memories were so sad, so I got a bunny at the Build a Bear today. I almost cried when I put her heart in, and again when I named her and read the promise. I took a nap with her and am holding her now and getting weepy again. Who knew that something so small and ridiculous could be so powerful emotionally? Named her after Rabbit in Steampowered Giraffe.

 

Awesome antique fire truck - thank you!

 

Poor teddy bear, so glad you got the bunny. May you have many happy and healing memories together.

 

Sad to hear how bad the fires are there, but glad you haven't had to evacuate and that they are getting it contained. That bookstore sounds incredibly tempting. 😄

 

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All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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50 minutes ago, Emma said:

And that “antique”  was being used!

 

Yes! Good to see it restored and operational. We have a few of those in some of the small rural communities around Arizona that are too small to even have a local volunteer fire department. My dad and a couple of the other old retirees in our little community kept an old tender with a water pump on the front - a "pump and roll" type setup - going for quite a few years before it, and they, got too old to keep going. 

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All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Nice, restful couple of days. It was the break I needed. PT was done, walking a bit, knee still sore.

Really liking Felicia’s book. Learning more about myself. I am not a detail person and have a hard time finishing projects without an external deadline. And even then I am inclined to just quit and say it’s done when it still needs some cleaning up. Need to get over that.

 

Planning to upgrade my music set up and get back into music (Felicia’s inspiration), at church and Rock Overtime. Okay it won’t physically happen until a good vaccine is out (summer, maybe?) But I can write a bunch of stuff and learn the new gear and help with the tech stuff of choir. The difficulty I am having there is not wanting to put a lot of effort or time into a project that’s not going to get external feedback. It’s like, why bother?

I emailed the guy in charge of Rock Overtime and he mailed back and said he missed me. Now that’s a good high point for my day.
 

Back to work today. I’m ready. I think.

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Friday

PT yes

Walk, a bit

Was sent to Sacramento last night. Guess someone called in sick. Then picked up a couple of stats in my area. Got home at 3am, bed at 4.
Managed to stick to eating plan yesterday. Probably won’t today. 
Just finished breakfast and going back to bed. I’ll get up later for lunch and PT and go to work. My body can’t do these all nighters anymore. On the plus side, the new laptop battery finally arrived and works! And boss said I don’t have to cover San Francisco anymore. Nice. I really hate driving in the city.

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Big Brother is here. 

Last night I went over to my neighbor's porch to look for a package that Fedex said they delivered but I couldn't find. A few minutes later I got a text from the neighbor asking if there was a problem at her house. She had a security camera and could see that I was over there. I explained and she helped me out by sending me the video from the time Fedex said they delivered it. Holy cow, she can see the entire driveway area, including my carport, my other neighbor's carport and basically the entire cul de sac. Privacy be gone. I don't blame her for wanting the security. She is a sheriff's deputy, worked homicide for several years, has had some vandalism problems. She has every right to be paranoid. But, ye gods, Big Brother has moved in.

My to do list is getting too long. Need to prioritize it but I'm feeling overwhelmed.

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Glad you got the break you needed.

 

What is your music upgrade going to be? It sounds like you sing and write. Do you play any instruments?

 

That's great that the fire is 90% contained now - progress!

 

I can understand your neighbor's security concerns, but it is kind of creepy knowing there is continuous monitoring going on.

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All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Creepy is exactly the word.

 

I write and play keyboards mostly. A bit of singing, good enough for church choir anyway. I use my computer to write and arrange music and make recordings, but it's almost ten years old now and doesn't have the hardware for another OS update, so I'm going to bite the bullet and buy a new computer and update everything. My Christmas present to myself. It looks like we're going to be singing online for awhile still and I can help with the tech end of it once I get set up again.

 

Sunday

PT yes

Walking, some

Eating mostly on plan.

On call, only one exam. 

Took care of one thing on my to do list.

Getting back into the rhythm of things after my mini vacation.

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So I drive for an hour and a half and then sat in the van for a few minutes wanting to cry because I don’t want to take any more xrays on shriveled up shells that used to be people, or else whiners who really just want their pain meds, and so on.

I go through the disinfecting, masking and gowning  and all that rot. I get my temp taken and do the questionnaire. Get to the nurses station and learn that the idiot in charge ordered an X-ray even though the doctor’s order clearly read “Ultrasound”.  God help us. I want to cry.

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I don't blame you for wanting to cry! From my time as an EMT, I know how those sorts of things can wear you down over time, especially if you putting a lot of energy into your own inner work. It can leave you feeling raw and with less available in your emotional well for others.

 

Beyond emergency responses, we also did a lot of transports between nursing homes, hospitals and dialysis centers. It was often very sad work. There's a lot of suffering that isn't preventable, but there is so much that comes from human laziness, stupidity, and greed - individual or collective. It's maddening. One would think that could/would/should be preventable, but it never seems to go away. Sometimes I'd drive back from my three day shift (it was about an hour and a half trip for me, too, but most of it out in the middle of nowhere) and just let out a scream. Or three. Maybe your music will help you get some of that sadness and/or frustration out?

 

That sounds like an absolutely awesome Christmas present to yourself! What software do you like to use for writing and recording your music?

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All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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A Stranger in My Own Land

I was in a mood last night and I started keeping a blow by blow description of my night. I realized two things at the end of my shift.

 

My first stop, the nurses were from the Philippines and from India, never saw the patient (ultrasound, not x-ray! Communication, people, dammit!). Second stop, the nurse was from Africa and the patient was from Russia.Third stop, nurse was Filipino and patient was from China and spoke no English at all. She had dementia and her primary form of communication was apparently throwing food. Fortunately, she was more interested in throwing food than fighting me about the x-ray so I actually got some good pictures.  Last stop, don't know where the nurse was from, but her English was flawless. Patient was a Spanish speaker, no English. I used my memorized Spanish phrases to let him know what I was doing.

 

One: The entire night I only spoke with one person who was fluent in English.

Two: The entire night I only saw one smile. 

 

The entire night I only met one person with my ancestry, Caucasian. And that was the woman from Russia. Who only spoke Russian. 

A stranger in my own land. The San Francisco Bay area. Yes, diversity is supposed to be great, but is it okay that I find this stressful? Never seeing anyone from my own background and culture? Trying to speak with people are not fluent in my own language? Being a minority in the place where I grew up where I used to be part of the majority? Let's just throw in the stress of the pandemic and the suffering of the patients. As ShadowLion pointed out at least some of that suffering is unnecessary and comes from laziness, stupidity and greed. I'm going to throw ignorance in there as well. And seeing all this suffering is supposed to be encouraging me to take better care of myself so I don't end up there too.

The pandemic is wearing us all down. Patients are confined to their rooms and can't socialize with anyone other than their roommates. And they don't always like their roommates. Understaffing is chronic and lots of nurses are doing double shifts every week. I have a right to be depressed. So today I am going to wallow in it.

 

  • Sad 1
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Computer was not in stock. Should be arriving on Wednesday. I did get a back up hard drive and can start transferring files over there.

I use Finale for transcribing and Logic for recording and producing. I have a sample library from East West music, but it was too massive for my current computer to run. Bought 5-6 years ago and it was sent to me on a 1 terabyte hard drive. Going to have to dig it out and see if it still works on the new computer. New computer has the hardware, not sure if the sample library still works after all this time.

I have written pieces to express my feelings, but the process just exacerbates the feelings. It is better if I write music to calm me down.

ShadowLion is asking a lot of questions about music. Do you write too?

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Fire is 96% contained. Only 219 fire fighters in the area mopping up on the Napa side. A few roads in the backcountry are still closed for clean up. 

And they just announced warning for Wednesday and Thursday. Diablo winds expected. And I was just starting to think I'd get through the season without evacuating. 

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2 hours ago, Emma said:

Yes, diversity is supposed to be great, but is it okay that I find this stressful? Never seeing anyone from my own background and culture? Trying to speak with people are not fluent in my own language? Being a minority in the place where I grew up where I used to be part of the majority?

You're allowed to have a hard time with hard things. 

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Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53,54

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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I missed the big one in my list!

 

Go ahead and wallow, sometimes that's what it takes to feel better! The details of your work night sound really sad and lonely all the way around, like no one is able to communicate or share much, even if they want to. I can see why you would feel isolated and cut off. My experience of diversity is quite a lot different, probably because everyone in my workplace speaks English, though half the developers on my team are based in Latin America - Mexico, Bolivia, Peru - and the company has quite a few developers from other parts of the world, too. The shared language lets us enjoy learning more about each other's cultures and work together smoothly. Your description makes me realize I have been taking a lot for granted.

 

In the job I mentioned last night, I was an EMT on the Navajo and Hopi reservations, working for a Native owned ambulance service. Though about a quarter of the staff at the local hospital were Anglo, it wasn't unusual for me to be the only white person on an emergency scene or in quarters. English was the lingua franca, and while Hopi and Navajo were spoken sometimes in quarters, they were always translated out of politeness. I would have been absolutely lost with the language barriers you described. 

 

Like others of the cat kind, Shadowlions are known to be nosy. 😸I've written a few things, but mainly I arrange and transcribe pieces for guitar. Don't play very much anymore, but want to get back to it again when I have more time and my hands feel better. I used Finale years ago and liked it, and Audacity for recording.

 

As long as the hard drive itself is still functional, there''s a good chance your sample library will be usable in newer software. The base file type probably has not changed. If there's an proprietary interface to browse the files, that might not work. But even then there is probably a folder of the samples that could be accessed directly and imported into other software. Good luck with the new computer!

 

That's good progress on the fire. I hope you stay safe over the next few days. I saw the news report about the heat dome forming over CA and thought of you. 

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All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Thanks, ShadowLion. I appreciate your conversation.

 

Fire is 97% contained. And the Red Flag warning is up. Car is gassed up and will pack my clothes tonight. And not sleep much, dammit. Getting ready for power shutoff (filling containers with water, because we will lose the well if the power goes off). Last time the power went off it was unexpected and we were all down at the swimming pool collecting buckets of water for toilet flushing. Felt very third world. :) 

 

Tuesday

PT, yes

Walk, no.

Eating, on plan.

 

Two days off.

Today I must:

Clear porch, take stuff to goodwill and stuff to shed.

Plow through paper pile.

Then I can go buy fabric for one more dress.

Attend choir zoom meeting tonight. Should be easier to do on new computer, if it arrives and I get set up in time.

 

New goal:

Attend choir zoom meetings. I will be able to have a conversation and see some smiles. Even if sometimes I feel even more lonely afterwards, I need to maintain some contact.

 

New goal: Skin care

I had been using these french skin care products just for indulgent fun but when threatened by evacuation decided it was too much work and stopped. Last night I touched my face and said "what the hell has happened to my skin?" It was rough and dry compared to what it had been.  So I am using those "luxury" products again. They really do make a difference that I like.

 

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New computer arrived. Set it up. It seemed to be running slow. I am now sitting here watching Netflix buffer. And waiting. 
And waiting.

Oh, gosh, still waiting.

My 2011 iMac runs Netflix just fine. 
Unbelievable. I don’t think it’s wrong to expect a model that is nine years newer to run better than the old one. 
Computer going back to store.

Emma going back to 1962. 

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I checked online and there were quite a few complaints about the 2020 iMac running slow. But it would cost $1400 to switch my software to windows.
Yesterday when I was out and about I saw a man lurking in the shadows. My first reaction was fear. Deep, visceral fear. My second thought was I’m glad I’m fat and unattractive. I kept a fearful eye on him until I was able to leave. 

There’s a part of me that wants to stay fat, very badly. I mentioned elsewhere that in my previous life, the fatter I got the less attention my abusers paid to me i. e., the less often I was raped.
I’m so very afraid of men, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Not just my personal experience, but the fact that men do so very often attack women. 
Wednesday

Knocked off a few items on my to do list. Should finish by Friday.  
PT, no

Walk, half

Im going to go cry for a while. Because it is wrong for men to hurt women, but they are doing it anyway. 

 

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14 minutes ago, Emma said:

 

There’s a part of me that wants to stay fat, very badly. I mentioned elsewhere that in my previous life, the fatter I got the less attention my abusers paid to me i. e., the less often I was raped.
I’m so very afraid of men, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable. Not just my personal experience, but the fact that men do so very often attack women. 

 

I completely understand all of what you're saying here but I have nothing to offer beyond solidarity. 

 

 

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I'm more than adequate. Leave Kanye out of this. 

Profile picture credit : NF's resident super artist - NinjaKitten

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1 hour ago, Emma said:

Yesterday when I was out and about I saw a man lurking in the shadows. My first reaction was fear. Deep, visceral fear. My second thought was I’m glad I’m fat and unattractive. I kept a fearful eye on him until I was able to leave. 

There’s a part of me that wants to stay fat, very badly. I mentioned elsewhere that in my previous life, the fatter I got the less attention my abusers paid to me i. e., the less often I was raped.

 

Me, too. It is visceral - an instinct level form of self protection. Aging enhances the effect. I remember the first time I realized I'd reached the age of invisibility. Being over 50, fat, and letting my hair go gray was like a Romulan cloaking device. It gave me a great sense of relief. No more of the constantly appraising eyes; no more of the subtle (and not so subtle) physical contacts, handiness, and invasions of space. Excess weight can bestow a certain sense of freedom that is difficult to let go of. 

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All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity:

but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.

~T. E. Lawrence

 

When we contemplate the whole globe as one great dewdrop, striped and dotted with continents and islands,

flying through space with other stars all singing and shining together as one, the whole universe appears as an infinite storm of beauty. 
~John Muir

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Romulan cloaking device, I like that :)

My sister and I have talked about the invisibility factor (we are both over 60). It is real. In some ways, yes it is a comfort to be less visible to men and more free from unwanted attention, but the other side of it is being dismissed as irrelevant as well as unwanted.

Weather continues hot and dry. No wind yet, thank goodness.

I need to stop brooding and munching French burnt peanuts and fix the shepherds pie I planned for dinner. Yesterday. 

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