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Bixby

I binge eat because I hate myself. That ends today.

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After years of therapy, journaling, 12-step groups, self-help books, ranting, raving, dieting, and buying fitness program after program, I'm ready to admit the truth:

 

my binge eating,

constant quitting,

on-again-off-again diet and exercise cycles,

guilt and shame spirals,

my love-hate relationship with food,

 

are all because I have a bad relationship with myself.

 

I don't know who to talk to, and I am not good at asking for help, but what I decided to do is share my thoughts and feelings, here, under the protection of pseudo-anonymity (I had to look up spelling on both of those words).  I figured I would share my thoughts and know that I'm putting myself out there for others to read.  But the main thing is for me to just say (type) these things out loud to another human being.

 

A little background on me:

 

I'm a queer person of color, and I'm the child of an immigrant family.  I grew up in a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic parent and not a lot of trust, boundaries, or positive reinforcement.  We never ate meals at the table; we would fix a plate and take them back to our rooms and watch TV alone.  I really struggled as a closeted person, and developed a sex addiction.  I didn't struggle with food that much as a young person (that I was aware of) but I do remember that there was a lot of talk in my family about weight or criticizing others as "fat".  Some family members were constantly making comments about how they should lose weight.  One traumatic incident that still rings in my mind, is overhearing a screaming match between my parents where one yelled out "That child is OVERWEIGHT!!!!"  I wasn't overweight back then, and I barely am now, but those words frantically bounce around the walls of my mind like a bird inside a house.

 

My coming out didn't go over very well with my family.  Things are MUCH better now, but it took a long time.  My sex addiction and depression got out of hand and I was lucky to be introduced to 12-Step Program.  I spent many years in Sex Addiction Recovery, and made a lot of progress.  As I became sober with sex, I realized that my eating was a "secondary addiction" beneath the surface.  It seemed like I was using sex to fulfill my low self-esteem, and since I couldn't use that anymore, the next closest thing available was food.

 

After making progress and finding the strength to leave an emotionally abusive relationship, I lived alone for the first time and really doubled down on my recovery.  I was doing well with both sex and food.  I then met my wonderful partner and we moved in together.  I moved out of the city where I walked and biked and moved to the suburbs where I now have a car and drive everywhere.  I also realized the reason I kept down on binge eating when I lived alone: I didn't keep any food in the house.  So, it wasn't that I had a healthy relationship with food or myself - I was exerting extreme amounts of control.  Now I live in a situation where we have food (like healthy people) and I have not been able to handle it.

 

In a way, I feel like this is huge progress for me.  I feel like I'm finally diagnosing the REAL issue after chasing the symptoms for years.  I just got a few books about compulsive overeating that focus on self-esteem and self-image, and just the introductions had me nodding my head rapidly in agreement.  I know I've said this a million times before, but this time feels different.

 

This is your reward if you read this far, thank you!

 

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So, I feel like binge eating now.  One thing that happened is that I had a phone call with a friend that was very energetic and animated, and then my partner went to bed during the call - so I kind of left a fun, exciting party to a quiet, empty house - 100 to 0 in a second.  That might be a reason why I want to eat.

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3 hours ago, Bixby said:

Last night I said to myself "I'm not hungry, I'm lonely"

 

I think this is a good start.

That is an awesome start!

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Exciting news!  I posted this on Monday and I did not engage in late night eating on either Monday or Tuesday!  Today is day 3!

 

I got this great book called Fed Up! and it said "self-love is the most powerful weight loss tool that you possess"

 

That really hit home.

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On 10/5/2020 at 5:36 PM, Bixby said:

 I know I've said this a million times before, but this time feels different.

 

I don't think it really matters how many times you said it before. What matters is how you feel about it right now :)

 

Or rather, this is about figuring out what works for you. So technically, the more failed attempts you had, the more knowledge you have about what is good for you and what is not, and the more likely you are to succeed! (not sure this sentence was grammatically correct, sorry)

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I got a little stressed and depressed yesterday, and didn't have anyone to talk to about it - so I did some late night eating.  I didn't beat myself up over it, so that was progress.  Today is a new day!

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Reading this book Fed Up! is really helping me connect my self-shaming and my binge eating.  I decided to stop punishing myself and said "I can eat whatever I want, as long as I'm hungry" and I didn't do any after dinner eating aside from a small handful of nuts.  I'm cautiously optimistic because I've felt good and failed before, but this is the first time I'm sharing my thoughts with other people.

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Ate some junk food last night, tried to have a calm, non-judgemental attitude about it.  Woke up with a slight stomachache and almost wanted to go back to starving myself to compensate. Chose not to.  Had a sensible breakfast, and did some housework.  Trying not to worry or think about it all the time.

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