Heidi: Amazoning

[Heidi]

My journey to this point has taken me into some hellish and dark spaces, a trap-laden trek encountering demons; at times there was a sea of despair. I have been stripped of so much along the way, walking naked through the dark without even the light of the moon. But I kept walking, and when I couldn't walk, I sat. Rest is not an admission of defeat. Over the challenges this year, I stood up and walked again, however slowly, a miracle in its own right. The demons are now familiar companions; there is no fear; there is no fight; I have no enemies.

I feel as though I'm on the other side now, and I barely remember how I passed through the obstacles, I only know that they are no longer in front of me.

Now it is time to move forward, walking and preparing for the future. The battles behind me weren't really battles at all -- they weren’t even really a fight. They were an origin story.

Now the real work begins, and it takes me back to my Ranger roots: it's time to suit up. My battle lies in the distance, and I go forth with love in the spirit of justice, knowing my true source of strength is the Company I keep.

Diana didn't train alone.

Wonder Woman didn't fight alone.

Who's with me?

[Heidi]

Details

I have no life. No, really, I have nothing to do except walk the dog and be an editor and a grad student. I picked all that up in the depths of dealing with the debilitation from the head injury. I was plugged into a community in North Carolina, but moving back to Virginia has left me disconnected, rattling around like a BB in a boxcar, and I have the opportunity to choose what to do with my time. This is a superpower. My opponents may yet regret having isolated me; I don't feel alone. I feel focused.

This is an old-school list for me, going back to some of my first challenges. Because when you get lost, you go back to the beginning.

1. T'ai Chi: once a week is paid for, and I might add in two more times a week; we'll see. There's something lovely about ending my day with a T'ai Chi class.
2. The Gym, or at least some cardio. Some weights would be nice, too. I need to figure out if I'm comfortable going back to the gym with the pool, because we all know that swimming is a core piece of my personal care. Possibly the pilates class that I did when I first started at nerd fitness. My eight-year anniversary is coming up this challenge.
3. Resources-- over the last year I have hemorrhaged money and I'm grateful I had access to it. It's time to rebuild a bit, and I don't have a source of additional income in my sights yet, but I'm scouting for them while I work to stop the bleeding. Travel is non-existent; healthcare has finally been sorted and I can go forward with getting care. The Jeep has been resurrected and the legal battle paid for. My living arrangements are set for the coming year at long last. I need to get rid of the storage units -- combined they are $250 a month, and the storage company keeps raising the rates every couple months. This challenge I'd like to empty the most expensive one. It's approximately $25 every time my attorney has to email me, and I'd like to start sending her a monthly credit to the balance of our depleted account instead of paying for storage. Also, there is some honest-to-goodness buried treasure in there: from a birth certificate to kitchen utensils. Sadly, I think most of the physical books need to be sold or gifted out; the time of having my own library is behind me. In the future it might be nice to create a permanent library with its own space for everyone to enjoy, but that is for a building back at Themyscira, not Here & Now.
4. Meditation. The Way will open if we are available. Meditation helps me still myself enough to see it. I have a meditation space I'm creating in my apartment (I still can't quite call it home).
5. The Ten Thousand Things. I have work and classes and appointments in abundance. I have house chores and maintenance. It doesn't feel as much like I live here as it feels like I'm a custodian; I'd like to be a mindful one. I am deeply grateful for such a nice-enough life and space to inhabit and care for.

N.B. for those of you who have been along with me before: yes, there is usually a CourtWeek of the challenge. Friends, this time there is not, for the first time in over five years (I've honestly lost track). Here's the big news: we won't have another CourtWeek until February 2021. Look at all the time they have given me to focus on the Way.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, Heidi said:

Now the real work begins, and it takes me back to my Ranger roots: it's time to suit up

Rangers gonna Ranger, even when they're Druids.

 

Honored to be along for the journey.

[DarK_RaideR]

Watching from behind the treeline by the road, shooting out arrows for support as needed

[Teros]

Checking in on ya

[Renate]

🤩 Get it!

[darkfoxx]

Right there with ya, Rangery Druidy babe 😍

[Laghail]

Hey @Heidi, been a minute but I'm happy to see you on the far side of things! Okay to ask what grad program you're doing?

[Heidi]

23 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Rangers gonna Ranger, even when they're Druids.

 

Honored to be along for the journey.

The honor is mine, as ever.

23 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

Watching from behind the treeline by the road, shooting out arrows for support as needed

*Ducks* Hey!! Wotchit you!

Good to have you around.

19 hours ago, Teros said:

Checking in on ya

Waving.

12 hours ago, Aθena said:

🤩 Get it!

O yeah, like the koolaid guy

9 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Right there with ya, Rangery Druidy babe 😍

*HighFive

47 minutes ago, Laghail said:

Hey @Heidi, been a minute but I'm happy to see you on the far side of things! Okay to ask what grad program you're doing?

I'm doing a PhD in Philosophy and Cultural Inquiry. Just finished the MFA in Creative Writing. I am a bit of an academic overachiever. 🙄 Please don't mount an intervention, since I don't see this as a problem. . . . 🙂

[Laghail]

1 hour ago, Heidi said:

I'm doing a PhD in Philosophy and Cultural Inquiry. Just finished the MFA in Creative Writing. I am a bit of an academic overachiever. 🙄 Please don't mount an intervention, since I don't see this as a problem. . . . 🙂

No, that ship has sailed, even while the boats are burning. #2020

Mind sharing snippets of your readings? I'd be curious to hear about your research interests. 

[Heidi]

14 minutes ago, Laghail said:

Mind sharing snippets of your readings? I'd be curious to hear about your research interests.

Careful what you wish for!

I'm an ethicist. I do public policy analysis, research on how we *do* democracy, and Ive got two active proposals in the works right now (Speaking Honestly, a curated collection of works on what honesty means and why it's important, and A Revolution of Libraries, the role of the public library in securing the expanding landscape of enfranchisement in the United States). I'm a Utilitarian who started out inspired by existentialism and anarchy and Justice (Camus, Goldman, and Socrates). This term I'm looking into the changes in the idea of the American Family and also doing a deep dive on The Republic when I'm not editing new work (I'm the research beat Editor for the Blog if the APA, so I touch a lot of different things). Currently I am working on developing two new series in addition to the research and Diversity & Inclusion that I currently cover. I'm adding a series on the Philosophy of Time and a series on the geneology of Philosophy. I am a strong advocate for just cities, and might end up with a dissertation that can be best summed up as the Philosophy of Rebellion, and how living in love is the path to justice; as an ethicist I then find it immoral not to do so.

 

P. S. Capitalism is theft; spread the word. 🙂

[Scaly Freak]

On 10/18/2020 at 9:18 AM, Heidi said:

Diana didn't train alone.

Wonder Woman didn't fight alone.

Who's with me?

 

[Heidi]

Friends, I talked with my therapist today.

It took a bit to get past the anger and frustration I felt on behalf of Vivian, but she helped me see something I had missed about Vivian's Asperger's evaluation: it's a complete validation of my parenting for her. The therapist sees this as a major shift in the landscape of what residence is most supportive and beneficial for Vivian.

 

What was that I said about suiting up?

 

Resources: 

*I sent my first small payment to my attorney today. 

*I made a call and found out that the small payments I've been making on a debt that has been blocking my path for the last year have made a dent -- I owe $2000 *less* than I thought I did in order to enroll for classes in August. Another game changing development, as it brings the total within reach of a loan, which I can now qualify for since I've spent the last three years rehabbing my credit. But the loan rates are enough to make a shark blush, so:

*I followed up with the APA, who are allegedly paying me a stipend. Good thing I did, since they needed paperwork from me and an authorization from the Editor-in-chief, neither of which had happened. The news is that I will be paid quarterly, and I have just enough time to get the paperwork in for the first quarter check. The amount is laughably low; one-fourth of "laughable" is a math equation that I can't do, so it was back to the loan and:

*I took out a loan. I used my phone to sign a document that should be Exhibit A in an illustrated expose on usary, but it's enough to pay off the debt in full and send some more to my attorney. I plan on taking the fight to them in 2021.

*I scheduled some storage unit help from two dudes and a truck. We'll be meeting on November 7 to consolidate and empty out the expensive one. The dude with the truck is helping in exchange for my vintage science fiction and fantasy collection that I can no longer store. This feels like a real win-in-the-making.

*I contacted a friend who has a friend who is a freelance editor, and contact information was exchanged. The editor and I are getting together for coffee on Thursday and she's going to tell me how to get some pick-up work, if possible. 

 

The Ten Thousand Things: pray for me. I'm depleted. I couldn't bring myself to do squat on the Things after the therapy visit and financial gauntlet. I'm glad I wrote my response paper (a reflection on Jones' novel An American Marriage, which is heartbreaking and powerful) this morning and turned it in. Maybe tomorrow I can take some more small steps.

 

Meditation turned into a three hour nap. And now I'm rattling around, unable to hold a thought. Might watch the first episode of Des. It's past my bedtime, but what is time even for, anymore, anyway?

 

Onward.

❣️

[darkfoxx]

Whoo hoo, moving in the right direction! And good news that the therapist sees what you see - hoping that can snowball into bigger and broader validation in the medium-term! 

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

9 hours ago, Heidi said:

pray for me

Of course.

[Heidi]

7 hours ago, darkfoxx said:

Whoo hoo, moving in the right direction! And good news that the therapist sees what you see - hoping that can snowball into bigger and broader validation in the medium-term! 

 

Baby steps for the win.

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Of course.

Then all is right with the world.

 

I'm still moving slowly, but it's moving. Looks like it might take all week to recover my momentum.

[Laghail]

19 hours ago, Heidi said:

Careful what you wish for!

I'm an ethicist. I do public policy analysis, research on how we *do* democracy, and Ive got two active proposals in the works right now (Speaking Honestly, a curated collection of works on what honesty means and why it's important, and A Revolution of Libraries, the role of the public library in securing the expanding landscape of enfranchisement in the United States). I'm a Utilitarian who started out inspired by existentialism and anarchy and Justice (Camus, Goldman, and Socrates). This term I'm looking into the changes in the idea of the American Family and also doing a deep dive on The Republic when I'm not editing new work (I'm the research beat Editor for the Blog if the APA, so I touch a lot of different things). Currently I am working on developing two new series in addition to the research and Diversity & Inclusion that I currently cover. I'm adding a series on the Philosophy of Time and a series on the geneology of Philosophy. I am a strong advocate for just cities, and might end up with a dissertation that can be best summed up as the Philosophy of Rebellion, and how living in love is the path to justice; as an ethicist I then find it immoral not to do so.

 

P. S. Capitalism is theft; spread the word. 🙂

I'd be delighted if your reading and responses showed up in your challenge, your research interests are really close to home for me. 

 

11 hours ago, Heidi said:

Friends, I talked with my therapist today.

It took a bit to get past the anger and frustration I felt on behalf of Vivian, but she helped me see something I had missed about Vivian's Asperger's evaluation: it's a complete validation of my parenting for her. The therapist sees this as a major shift in the landscape of what residence is most supportive and beneficial for Vivian.

Is it okay to ask what percent placement you have with Vivian?

 

11 hours ago, Heidi said:

*I followed up with the APA, who are allegedly paying me a stipend. Good thing I did, since they needed paperwork from me and an authorization from the Editor-in-chief, neither of which had happened. The news is that I will be paid quarterly, and I have just enough time to get the paperwork in for the first quarter check. The amount is laughably low; one-fourth of "laughable" is a math equation that I can't do, so it was back to the loan and:

Listen, you didn't go into the humanities to do math equations, you started a graduate program because stacks on stacks of mad money the business world throws at academics. 

 

11 hours ago, Heidi said:

Meditation turned into a three hour nap. And now I'm rattling around, unable to hold a thought. Might watch the first episode of Des. It's past my bedtime, but what is time even for, anymore, anyway?

Honestly, those can be the best sessions. Your body needs what it needs.

[Scaly Freak]

13 hours ago, Heidi said:

The Ten Thousand Things: pray for me. I'm depleted. I couldn't bring myself to do squat on the Things after the therapy visit and financial gauntlet. I'm glad I wrote my response paper (a reflection on Jones' novel An American Marriage, which is heartbreaking and powerful) this morning and turned it in. Maybe tomorrow I can take some more small steps.

 

I'm looking at the long list of things you did accomplish and wondering why they don't count as Things...?

 

You're making progress on big things that are moving in the right direction. You are doing more than enough.  

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, Laghail said:

Is it okay to ask what percent placement you have with Vivian?

I see her in person for supervised visitation every other Saturday for two hours; her dad does the supervising.

We just added in in person counseling, almost a year after it was ordered. That happens opposite weeks of visits, in the therapists office.

[Heidi]

13 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

I'm looking at the long list of things you did accomplish and wondering why they don't count as Things...?

I feel you on this.

But the weekly editing work and stupid vacuuming don't care about my Heroic Deeds. Entropy is a heartless mistress.

 

I though sleep would help, but today I'm more exhausted than ever. I fell asleep this morning while waiting for the kettle to boil, and Pam muscle weary and having difficulty breathing. I keep telling myself it's nothing to worry about, and that, as you said, the body needs what it needs and mine needs an extended rest period.

[Heidi]

2 hours ago, Laghail said:

you started a graduate program because stacks on stacks of mad money the business world throws at academics. 

 

 I am here for the wild crush of fame, if I'm being honest.

All the gold and glory are just bonus.

[Laghail]

43 minutes ago, Heidi said:

I see her in person for supervised visitation every other Saturday for two hours; her dad does the supervising.

We just added in in person counseling, almost a year after it was ordered. That happens opposite weeks of visits, in the therapists office.

That is a beautiful family. Did your partner situation change over the last year? Mine did as well, if that's the case.

[Scaly Freak]

45 minutes ago, Heidi said:

I though sleep would help, but today I'm more exhausted than ever. I fell asleep this morning while waiting for the kettle to boil, and Pam muscle weary and having difficulty breathing. I keep telling myself it's nothing to worry about, and that, as you said, the body needs what it needs and mine needs an extended rest period.

 

And if the rest does not help, please see a doctor about the breathing. 

 

Worth noting: The human body reacts to strong emotional stress and develops physical symptoms in response. The proper treatment for this is not "stop being stressed", so please fire your doctor if they try to tell you that. 

[Renate]

The list of things I want to read/research keeps getting longer and longer.  

 

For the rest, I can only "say": ♥

[Heidi]

1 hour ago, Laghail said:

That is a beautiful family. Did your partner situation change over the last year? Mine did as well, if that's the case.

Five years of hell of my ex trying to separate me from my daughter, using every dirty trick in the book at least twice.