KB Girl - Story Time

[sylph]

18 hours ago, Aθena said:

I know native English speakers who have (had) commitment issues as I have, make the same distinctions as above

Similar, maybe, though not necessarily standardized.

 

I could say I "care about" or "care for" a lot of people, but that's different than the space between infatuation and love that I went through with my husband. And at the time, I likely would've used the word 'love' for all three of those emotional conditions, from all-consuming infatuation to our current state of mutual respect, comfort, appreciation, etc.

[Renate]

25 minutes ago, sylph said:

Similar, maybe, though not necessarily standardized.

 

Hmmmm, I should have said "similar" regardless the following:

 

 I meant English speakers whom I have spoken with on this topic

 

Quote

I could say I "care about" or "care for" a lot of people, but that's different than the space between infatuation and love that I went through with my husband. And at the time, I likely would've used the word 'love' for all three of those emotional conditions, from all-consuming infatuation to our current state of mutual respect, comfort, appreciation, etc.

 

Ahhh, I see. I know very well when my body is going "woooow his pheromones are amaaazing and his demeanor is making me feel stuff" and when I have my pink glasses on, because I get really paranoid about my perception then. It's like with alcohol, the rare times I let go; a part of me is enjoying it, another is triple checking if I am around people I can say, do and be without being on guard 😅 So I do not trust my thoughts if they are saying I love someone How could you know, I ask them. But that's just me being the weirdo that I am. One boy broke my heart when I was like 10, and from then on  that was that  No using big words when "high"

[Mad Hatter]

I believe they invented poetry to describe these things. 

 

29 minutes ago, Aθena said:

So I do not trust my thoughts if they are saying I love someone How could you know, I ask them.

Because on some level love is exactly that, hormones and pheromones and your body making you "feel stuff". You can't logic it.

 

26 minutes ago, Aθena said:

No using big words when "high"

It's ok, nobody takes drunk people seriously when they make grand proclamations of love anyway.  

[Renate]

34 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Because on some level love is exactly that, hormones and pheromones and your body making you "feel stuff". You can't logic it.

 

I like safeguarding myself so I don't go on a bad trip though 😅 It's nice if it works out but I am not the type who would e.g. say yes to marriage  or even living together or so while having those pink glasses on or something, as much as it feels like a good decision if I would be asked. Like I also would not invest while drunk... If someone starts talking money or hands me a napkin and pen, I would throe them away before drunk me can do something stupid!

 

Idk if anyone enjoys these types of discussions, I do though. Without judging others. I have also been letting go of fears on this area lately 😄

 

If only you and I do, and there is more to say than this, we can also take it to pm

 

34 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

It's ok, nobody takes drunk people seriously when they make grand proclamations of love anyway.  

 

Ah, but legally you are bound to any decisions you take despite being under the influence of (being in) love (that makes you blind)

 

And also, once you have said those words, the other person takes them seriously, they don't go "oh but you said those things while you were IN love to me and exaggerated, I forgive you" if they felt the same way after they landed back on earth, but you don't

 

Like people singing those songs "you mean everything to me" but when they get back on earth for one reason or another, reality settles in and it's less romantic: there are other priorities, or you simply aren't emotionally ready for whatever relationship the other person wants... 

 

I rather be less romantic and say " look, you make me feel on top of cloud 9 but let's not make any promises until the honeymoon period is over and talk about what page each person is on. For now, just enjoy! And do your thing, and respect each other's valuable time 🙂

 

It's nice to read about real life couples that were Love At First Sight, they went to the casino and won and took their profits before they could lose them, but I prefer state obligations 😋 Nowadays it shows its possible to have negative profits even with those but it's still a better risk-profit balance for me 

 

EDIT: I cannot tell if me discussing this topic in a light-hearted way is my usual method of dicussing complex topics without wanting to burden anyone and show I respect their views (by making clear this is strictly my view and also that I am open for conversation)

 

or if I am using the light-heartedness (still, like in the past) as a coping/defense mechanism 🤔 Because I am pretty sure if I was talking to a friend who was making big proclamations while in the honeymoon period, I would be a tad more serious. But that may also be because humor can be seen as sarcasm and a calm serious tone is better for advice in a lot of cases. Ahhhh layers. How fun they are.

[Mad Hatter]

36 minutes ago, Aθena said:

I like safeguarding myself so I don't go on a bad trip though 😅 It's nice if it works out but I am not the type who would e.g. say yes to marriage  or even living together or so while having those pink glasses on or something, as much as it feels like a good decision if I would be asked. Like I also would not invest while drunk... If someone starts talking money or hands me a napkin and pen, I would throe them away before drunk me can do something stupid!

Making grand decisions while drunk/infatuated is a very different story! It's definitely wise to stay away from those.  The feeling of love, whatever definition you use, is only a small component of a successful relationship* though. But it doesn't mean you can't trust the feeling.  

 

*Not that I know what I'm talking about haha  

[KB Girl]

On 11/3/2020 at 11:12 PM, Scaly Freak said:

Confirmation bias. When a person subconsciously pays more attention to data points that confirms their opinion, rather than try to be objective. It's the bane of our sanity's existence.

 

Your client is lucky she's working with someone who sees the big picture.

 

And your most recent story  time made me think of how Husband and I met, and that made me happy.  

That is so nice to hear

and thank you, it's a weird mix for me of feeling out of my depth and not good enough to help these people but also knowing they don't really have better options either so I'd better just do my very best and keep on learning as I go along. 

 

On 11/4/2020 at 2:48 PM, sylph said:

I wish English had words for those two types of love. The closest we have for the first would be infatuation, I suppose? I can't think of a specific word for the grown up, satisfied, enduring love that comes with time...

Yes I suppose that's the closest, though I wouldn't use that word at all, it feels icky. 

 

On 11/4/2020 at 5:57 PM, Elastigirl said:

We will just have to learn dutch.Instead of telling my husband I love him, next time I will say I  Houden van him.😉

 "ik hou van jou"

(ik=I, jou=you, hou van= love) 

 

On 11/4/2020 at 8:57 PM, Mad Hatter said:

Ahh finally caught up on all your stories. I love them so much, keep 'em coming. ❤️

 

And I'm so so sorry about your floof. 😞

You really didn't have to! but I'm glad you like them

And thanks.. me too.. 

 

On 11/4/2020 at 9:16 PM, Aθena said:

I level them up like so in English:

 

I like-like you (ik vind je leuk)

A crush (oogje hebben op)

Infatuation / being in love (verliefd) - for many, easily confused with lust

Caring for (ik geef om je)

Love (ik hou(d) van je) - when I say this, I have endured stuff with you, I know and respect you, I wish to walk beside you in life. 

 

So, English has the same levels, it's just that both the English speakers and the Dutch, and in my birth country too probably, (Idk for the rest of the world) use the word love so easily, so it seems like there is no distuinguishing feature. (This might be just my bias though.) 

 

I don't know about infatuation and verliefd, to me they have a very different feel to them.. but that might be my personal bias. 

There is another one I like and use (shortened) a lot; Ik heb je lief.

I wouldn't say 'houden van' is used so easily here, that's not my experience. 

 

[KB Girl]

Wednesday & Thursday 

I skipped updating yesterday because I really wasn't feeling well, the accumulated lack of sleep is not doing me any favours. My thoughts are darker and I feel a lot more depressed. In fact, this is normally where I'd stop updating to spare you all my moroseness. However, I feel like lifting weights and story time are the two things right now that give me some sort of hope for not just existing/getting by but also, you know, thriving, at some point in the future. So you're stuck with me. 

 

If I wasn't self-employed I'd have called in sick at this point. As luck would have it, Wednesday is our sort-of Sunday (I only work 3 hours in the evening) so we were both home most of the day. Jaap had something to do in the morning but he let me nap and lie about the entire afternoon. In the evening I taught my classes and did some squat therapy. 

• back squat 5x35, 3x45, 3x4x45
• front squat 3x5x35

Today was more of the same, Jaap let me lie in the entire morning and mope around a bit until he had to go to work. The girls and I got through the evening just fine. The baby has started moving forwards instead of just backwards and sideways. I didn't want to, but here I am, updating. Fighting the bleakness. Booya. 

(have I mentioned lately that Jaap is the best and I deeply appreciate him? no? 'cause it deserves mentioning again)

 

 

Story time

For a long time I was a very big red hot chilli peppers fan. I had a poster on my wall of their lead singer (without the moustache thank you very much) and I still know all of their lyrics by heart. I actually got to know them on a family holiday in France. There was an older man at our campsite who would play the guitar every evening and he'd often play 'under the bridge'. Later when I got home my brother video taped the clip of 'scar tissue' for me. My best friend and I would try to play their songs on the guitar. Neither of us could actually play, but it was still a good time. 

When we were 15 they came to the Netherlands and we managed to convince our moms that we absolutely had to go. We got permission, on the condition that they could go with us. They drove us in our small camper. Very early, because it was essential that we were first in line so we could stand right at the podium. We weren't even the first ones there, but we did have a whole day ahead of us. My mom made spaghetti for lunch, but being my mom she made so much spaghetti that we ended up sharing with all the other early arrivals. 

It's funny that what I remember most from that day is that group camaraderie while waiting in line. And the one band member that had never made much of an impression on me before playing the least interesting instrument, but that drum solo was absolutely amazing. 

[Renate]

4 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I wouldn't say 'houden van' is used so easily here, that's not my experience. 

 

Ehhh, well, I am/was a big ol' cynic and scaredy cat so lots of cases seem too soon to me when others wouldn't think so maybe?

 

I dunnoooo, I am becoming a lot more chill about it nowadays but my old perceptions still shape me  It might be because the past years I have been hanging around with a crowd that all has hashtag relationship goals relationships IRL and here on NF. If I had known these people I definitely would have had a hard time believing my other (i.e. current)-dimension-self

[Renate]

Ohhhh yes RHCP 😁 I wish I had a friend that would have dragged my crowd-hating cheapskate derriere along for a concert. Great story 😍

[Mad Hatter]

16 hours ago, KB Girl said:

You really didn't have to! but I'm glad you like them

No I did have to for the fuzzy feels.  And occasionally the thoughts they provoke. 

 

11 hours ago, Aθena said:

Ehhh, well, I am/was a big ol' cynic and scaredy cat so lots of cases seem too soon to me when others wouldn't think so maybe?

 

I dunnoooo, I am becoming a lot more chill about it nowadays but my old perceptions still shape me  It might be because the past years I have been hanging around with a crowd that all has hashtag relationship goals relationships IRL and here on NF. If I had known these people I definitely would have had a hard time believing my other (i.e. current)-dimension-self

You can't put a timestamp on feelings.  It doesn't mean you have to act on it. But you're not the only one who finds it scary!

[Renate]

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

You can't put a timestamp on feelings.

 

Meh, I just used the same tactic I use when I learn that a dude is taken or I myself am. Time stamp - unavailable until further notice (including never)

 

"but you cannot turn off feelings!" Ohhhh, try me. I am so averse to even the slighest possibility of relationship drama that I have learnt to turn it on, off and dim it to just the right setting

 

That may be cold but fortunately I found a partner who appreciates my approach 😅 And he has allowed me to grow warm for it and deep archive that button's manual

[Mad Hatter]

  

2 minutes ago, Aθena said:

"but you cannot turn of feelings!" Ohhhh, try me. I am so averse to even the slighest possibility of relationship drama that I have learnt to turn it on, off and dim it to just the right setting

I do hope that you're at least half joking, because it'd be terrible if you limited yourself just to avoid drama. It's how we grow.

However awesome that boy when you were 10 was, he's not worth it.  

[Renate]

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

  I do hope that you're at least half joking, because it'd be terrible if you limited yourself just to avoid drama. It's how we grow.

However awesome that boy when you were 10 was, he's not worth it.  

 

Not joking because I never experienced it as limiting before. I experienced freedom in discipline of my emotions, at least on the relationship front

 

It's not just that boy of course, it's seeing my mom get hurt multiple times over (having read shelves upon shelves of books, many with romantic endings), and get called a materialist by the person abusing her trust  🙄  Some of these happenings, imho as an inexperienced human, being able to be prevented with better communication and preventative measures, so I thought. And I still believe in that,  but it's a steady balance remaining emotionally vulnerable without making de facto baseless (implied) promise.

 

So like I said, I actually found that a lot more freeing than some people I knew that constantly struggled because they "loved him so much but they left them or kissed another girl" or jealousy etc. (EDIT: Or the reverse for guys, okay just people messing with each other's heads, not genderrelated or whatever. Unfortunately, it would be very easy if shitty people could be sorted by gender or culture or whatever but they can't.)

 

If I cannot trust the person, (1) that's on me if there is no evidence, and if we cannot find a way for me to trust, I would seperate because I don't want to do that to someone nor torture myself, (2) if there is evidence, bye-bye, anything else is too much drama?

[Mad Hatter]

37 minutes ago, Aθena said:

So like I said, I actually found that a lot more freeing than some people I knew that constantly struggled because they "loved him so much but they left them or kissed another girl" or jealousy etc. If I cannot trust the person, (1) that's on me if there is no evidence (2) if there is evidence, bye-bye, anything else is too much drama?

But trust is built on vulnerability, not the other way round... And people make mistakes all the time. You could be together with someone for decades before they break your trust. Does that mean you should never let yourself commit fully? And if you did, would it render those decades together a mistake? I mean, there are never any guarantees.

 

I don't know. You do you.  Personally I think it's important to experience ones full range of emotions, including all the bad feels*. I believe it's part of the human experience. But it doesn't mean I have to act on them, make promises or decisions based on them. But that's just my opinion, nothing more**.

Sorry that happened to your mum though, that's shitty. But you're not her. I think you should make your own mistakes.  

 

*obviously within a "normal" range

**Maybe this comes from my recurring blahs when my emotions are super limited. To me that's much worse than the periods of even intense sadness and I'd hate for anyone to purposefully limit joy and love.

[Scaly Freak]

3 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

But trust is built on vulnerability, not the other way round... And people make mistakes all the time. You could be together with someone for decades before they break your trust. 

 

There is also a fairly important distinction between someone who breaks trust without intending to, and someone who does it deliberately in order to either show their power over you or because they don't care about you enough to value and want your trust.

 

Couples who stay together for decades deal with the same mistakes, hurt, and conflicts, as couples who don't. The difference is in how they handle them, and what the outcome of the conflicts are.

[Mad Hatter]

20 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

There is also a fairly important distinction between someone who breaks trust without intending to, and someone who does it deliberately in order to either show their power over you or because they don't care about you enough to value and want your trust.

Absolutely. But those people should not be part of your life full stop and then idea of carefully moderating love is a moot point anyway.

 

23 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

Couples who stay together for decades deal with the same mistakes, hurt, and conflicts, as couples who don't. The difference is in how they handle them, and what the outcome of the conflicts are.

Yup. For better and worse.

[Renate]

39 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Absolutely. But those people should not be part of your life full stop and then idea of carefully moderating love is a moot point anyway.

 

Right, but many people learn to show the stuff that looks good on the outside, and truly believe they are what they "sell" to the other person so it's difficult to assess when "in love" whether you truly click and are both willing to stick it out through thick and through thin when trust breaks.

 

And it does not work to have 3 big intake sessions like "3 hour meeting on Defining what Cheating Means for you two" and "Are Our Demons Compatible 101" and "Do we see finances etc. right the same way 101" in the beginning

 

It happens gradually and before that I cannot trust myself nor the other person completely, 

 

EDIT: and I don't mean "I think you will harm me until you are proven innocent" 

 

I just am enjoying myself, while keeping us both as safe as can be. If I wanted 100% security I would stay single, and maybe... Live on a mountain top with a trusty axe. There I have certainty that the only think trying to *physically* hurt me is nature, mentally maybe loneliness if I do not reach transcendence 😋

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

**Maybe this comes from my recurring blahs when my emotions are super limited. To me that's much worse than the periods of even intense sadness and I'd hate for anyone to purposefully limit joy and love

 

This may be it. I experience everything veeeery intensely all of the time. I crave balanced days. I have felt prolonged apathy once in life and I was relieved... But I understood it was not healthy and I have to seek more sustainable balance haha

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

But you're not her. I think you should make your own mistakes.  

 

Nope! I *am* making my own mistakes, though. I.e. the mistake of not experiencing love fully right from the start even though I could see I had a golden catch for myself, not one red alarm, not believing I had what I had for a long time. Even though I succesfully caught all my "self-sabotage" attempts, IT TOOK SO MUCH TIME. but I am learning!  

[Mad Hatter]

11 minutes ago, Aθena said:

This may be it. I experience everything veeeery intensely all of the time. I crave balanced days. I have felt apathy once in life and I was relieved... But I understood it was not healthy and I have to seek more sustainable balance haha

I'm sure the different perspective plays a big part.  

 

But I think there might also be two conflated topics here. To me love and trust are very different things. To take it to the extremes - on one hand you don't just stop loving someone when they break your trust, and on the other hand I'm going to trust a medic more with my life than I do a partner, no matter how I much I love them. Well, maybe unless they're the medic. 

 

23 minutes ago, Aθena said:

it's difficult to assess when "in love" whether you truly click and are both willing to stick it out through thick and through thin when trust breaks.

Yes but the only way to assess this is to try! And when in doubt listen to your friends.  If they say the person is a douche bag, it's probably true.

But yeah I do realize that there are people that compulsively date terrible people, so I guess maybe this is an experience that I simply fail to understand. You don't strike me as that kind of person though.

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread @KB Girl!

[KB Girl]

Friday 

We aren't allowed to have group classes in the gym anymore as part of our half-assed lockdown. I fail to see how this will improve things, but it is how it is. So I opened the gym in the morning and wrote down the strength work on the whiteboard.. made me realise how much stuff we do in-between, just little extra things, individual supportive exercises etc.. anyway, did not help my mood. In the afternoon we took both girls to the gym and played and lifted some things and Jaap+Emma did some climbing and everybody did some dancing. Quite nice. In the evening I skipped story time in favour of watching Queen's Gambit with Jaap. 

• pushups 5x5 (height 6.2) -> PR
• reverse lunges 5x4/4 with 20kg
• assisted pull-ups with pauses, 4x3
• semi-single legged deadlift 4x5/5 with 18k
• 12kg snatch, 30 left arm, short break, 30 right arm
• 14kg snatch 2x10/10

 

Saturday

Went to the bookstore briefly to pick up a gift for a friend and something for Emma (it's her birthday next week), did groceries. Didn't have any clients. Did some laundry, moped about, had a nap with the baby, moped about some more. Then had dinner at my moms. The baby has finally started to show an interest in eating, so far she seems to like avocado and mashed potatoes as long as there is a fat mashed in. She also likes to gnaw on cucumber or apple. 

I just spend an hour or so with my bullet journal, which was nice, just writing down some memories, funny things Emma said and made a short plan for the coming week as I'll have to pull myself together somewhat to organise something for Emma's birthday that is pandemic proof. 

 

Story Time

As a trainer/coach what I concretely do can be summed up as adjusting technique and writing a training plan.

What I'm achieving is so much more than solid technique and steady progress. 

One of the roles I play is providing extra confidence and courage. 

Someone will attempt a heavier deadlift because I have faith that they can do it without hurting themselves. 

Someone will go into a 6:00 set believing they can make the time because I said they can. 

Someone will commit to a plan because I gave them a timeline of sub-achievements as stepping stones. 

Someone will dare to dream big because I was dreaming with them.

 

- 

 

I knew what I wanted to say on this topic, but I had a really hard time choosing how to say it.. this time I left a lot out, the whole story of the app conversation I had today that prompted this.. and I find this kind of scary, I worry what people will think.. it's good for me to struggle with these things in this pretty safe setting

[Harriet]

Just swooping in to read your updates and say hello. I like that you're writing regularly!

[KB Girl]

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

Just swooping in to read your updates and say hello. I like that you're writing regularly!

Thank you! me tooo! hopefully it turns into something

miss you! 

[Harriet]

23 minutes ago, KB Girl said:

Thank you! me tooo! hopefully it turns into something

miss you! 

 

Awww, thank you ❤️ I'll pop back in regularly to see how you're doing. 

[KB Girl]

Sunday

Jaap let me sleep in for about half an hour- it's amazing how much difference a half hour of semi-sleep can make. Rolled out of bed just in time to meet my first client of the day. Since we're not allowed to have group classes in our semi-lockdown everyone just came to do their training on their own time and apart from writing instructions on the whiteboard and answering questions I had a lot more time for my own training than I usually do.. it was apparently what my brain needed to put in my first real kettlebell training since the start of my pregnancy over a year ago. 

• clean&jerk with 2x10kg sets of 7,9,12,15,15,12,20
• jerk with 2x16kg, 2x15 -> that's my competition weight and they went much smoother than I'd hoped
• snatch 12kg, 40 seconds work (+-13 reps), 20 seconds rest x12, switching hands every set

 

After putting the baby in bed and having a shower I had lunch with two gym friends in celebration of one of them finishing her phd this month. We had vegan waffles with blueberries and vegan chai latte. It made my semi-depression more apparent though, because.. it was something I had to do while normally it would have been something I'd want to do, you know? It's exhausting. Anyway. All good. We had sushi for dinner. I hope Jaap will watch another episode of Queen's Gambit with me tonight. 

 

Story Time

 

I think kettlebell sport is the ultimate nerdy sport. It's even more technique intensive than olympic weightlifting so there is plenty to learn and analyse and then to argue about debate the differences. Then it has the same charming aspect that powerlifting has where the progress you make is very measurable, but it's better because it's more multidimensional. You can do more reps with a certain weight in the allotted time. You can up the weight for a certain number of reps or a certain time frame. You can increase the time that you can handle a certain weight. Basically you could PR every single training if you so desire. And to top it off it's really great training for our minds, you gotta learn to breath and switch that thing off, but you also have to battle self doubt and perfectionism and that little voice that says you're not going to make it or you're going to break your neck if you get under this weight. 

Oh and if you can't or don't want to compete you can still nerd out on what the best approaches to training are, or what the best way is to prep for competition, or how to compare competition results between weight classes. Or since it's such a young sport you could think about how best to develop the sport and how to handle the politics and the sexism. What's not to love? 


Short intro to kb sport; 
- a competition set is 10:00
- you can put the bells down earlier, but then you can't pick them back up again
- if you're using one bell (in the snatch) you can switch hands only once
- most reps wins
- you can compete in snatch-only, clean&jerk or biathlon (which is first 10:00 jerk and after a one or two hour break, 10:00 snatch) 
- it's a weight class sport

 

[@mu]

22 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Someone will dare to dream big because I was dreaming with them.

 

I love this. It's beautiful.

 

Backtracking quite a bit, I found the story about your client interesting, the bit where she might or might not be projecting on her husband. If you ever get to know, I'd be curious to know too.

 

16 minutes ago, KB Girl said:

Basically you could PR every single training if you so desire.

 

That's pretty neat

[sylph]

Queens Gambit! Hubs and I binged that in about two days. What do you think about it so far?