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DaemonCorax tries not to be on fire


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So, spoilers: I'm going to be out of town and hiding in the backcountry of Utah next week, so I won't be posting for Week 1. However, there's a lot of OTHER stuff going on, so I thought it might be nice to drop back in.

 

Let's start with the title. I live in Colorado. Everything is on fire. Like, I have friends and coworkers evacuated, ash falling out of the sky, on fire.

Then, well, I'm having a hard time mentally, which makes me irritable, easily angered, and emotionally more on fire than I would like, and not in a good way.

 

5f8c55137069b.image.jpg?resize=720,406

This is not my photo, but this was approximately the view from my house on Saturday.

 

So, we have two stable jobs, and healthy beautiful kiddo, a great roommate, etc, what's to have a hard time with?

Welp, I'm still having birth trauma flashbacks, and they were especially bad for the last few weeks. Like bawl my eyes out bad. Interrupt life on rock-climbing date-day bad. I think my body remembers things I don't lucidly remember. Where did this come from, you ask? Well things are on fire. And there's a pandemic. And we're discussing having a second kid in a little while. That one. The second kid idea. It makes me feel like I'm about to intentionally drive off the end of a cliff, but at the end the story won't be over. I'll have to live with myself and hope that my relationship made it out intact and that there weren't any near death experiences. Why might you ask, am I still considering it? Well, honestly, my first kid is social and bubbly and joyful, and I want him to have a sibling. I want him to have the opportunity of a close peer to walk through his whole life together, especially when I'm not at my best, or later much later neither of us (parents) is around anymore. Compared to my gut feeling that a sibling is the right thing for him, the 2 years of pregnancy + working while feeding a tiny human, are a bump in the road. A big bump.

 

What's the physical bit? Things still hurt. Something about muscle tone, many layers of scar tissue, something something something. I didn't ride much the past couple of weeks (see: everything is on fire), and if I stretch the wrong way I get stabbing pulling pain above my hip bone. I thought I had done okay with the whole PT/scar massage task, but I can't bring myself to try anymore. Athletically, I'm pretty good. I got stomped on a very steep bike ride the other day (by a buddy on a bike that weighed around 4 lbs less than mine, lol),  but I've ridden to 14k with a trailer, ridden 61 mi, ridden 45 mi on a singlespeed, ridden all over the place this summer just fine. I've been climbing a little outside (my lead head seems to be a casualty of my mess of a mental state), and just recently started going back to the gym, and things are pretty good there too. But yeah, bumping into my abdomen (toddler head butts, I'm looking at you), stretching the wrong way, sometimes even lying on my stomach, all bring up uncomfortable feelings that both plop my brain in the past and make me dread what's to come.

 

Goals:

 

1. Be nicer to myself

    1b. mini goal: Go to PT/massage appt on 11/13. (This is scheduled, but I am expecting it to be a can of worms.)

2. Be more engaged with others

3. Unstructured work outs: Do core work/pull-ups and other creative bodyweight exercises. Aim for 4 days a week.

4. Structured work outs:

           Ride to work. Sometimes I feel like there isn't time, and sometimes everything is on fire. But when reasonable, riding makes me feel  better.

           Climb at the gym at least once a week

           Lift heavy at least twice during this challenge - as we hit winter I'd like to dial this up, but we'll see.

 

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Yep, that's about it.

 

EDIT: after reading @spezzy's challenge, I'm looking for an accountabilibuddy. But I'm not sure exactly what that looks like for this.

 

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Reading y'alls challenges is perking me up a bit.

 

I want a character for this challenge, but I think really that just makes me add:

Goal 5: Drawing!

 

Also, because @Rurik Harrgath includes stats, here's my attempt:

Height: 5' 7"

Weight: 135-140. Lol. Oh dear. I haven't weighed myself in 12 months. Still fit the same jeans. Sz 4.

Abs: Visible (Along with a little extra skin and a 5" scar that I don't feel so great about)

Longest ride in past 6 mo: 61 mi

Gym grade, clean, top rope: 5.11a

Gym grade, lead: 5.9-10a

Desert grade: probably following 5.10+. Get to find out next week. Eeeeeee!

Eldo grade: Oh what the hell, Eldo hates me. Vedauwoo is much happier. 5.7 following.

Last lifted: Around a month ago, BS 95 5x5, OHP 45 5x5, DL 155x5.

 

About that Eldo thing: I consider Eldorado Canyon to be a good baseline for climbing grades relative to other places. Vedauwoo and JTree are graded harder. Red Rocks and Devil's Head are easier. That said, Eldo is exactly NOT my climbing style. I've back off two easy leads here in the last month, even though I then climbed a 5.9- on top rope just fine. My lead head is having a hard time, with me turning around the last three times I went to lead something.

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2 hours ago, DaemonCorax said:

Let's start with the title. I live in Colorado. Everything is on fire. Like, I have friends and coworkers evacuated, ash falling out of the sky, on fire.

Then, well, I'm having a hard time mentally, which makes me irritable, easily angered, and emotionally more on fire than I would like, and not in a good way.

 

EDIT: after reading @spezzy's challenge, I'm looking for an accountabilibuddy. But I'm not sure exactly what that looks like for this.

 

1.  How do you feel about Colorado overall?  With a goal to start some #vanlife living next year, Colorado is one place that's being looked at as a possible home base.  Boulders or Springs areas, in particular.

 

2.  For an accountibilibuddy, you have a few approaches.  There is an accountibilibuddy subforum, you could ask your closest forum friend, or simply as for folks to check in on your challenge from the General Chat thread.  Many of us have pretty healthy (or unhealthy, depending on how you look at it) activity on the forums and certainly a few of us would be happy to lend a motivating hand!

 

I will definitely keep a close eye on you, if that'll help at all B)

 

1 hour ago, DaemonCorax said:

I want a character for this challenge, but I think really that just makes me add:

Goal 5: Drawing!

 

Also, because @Rurik Harrgath includes stats, here's my attempt:

 

I am always happy to see when the eccentricity of our challenges inspires another member!  😆

 

Character design in general, and relating it to Real Life in particular, is a major passion of mine and is really my source of Nerd inspo relating to the forums lately.  That is certainly nothing anyone else has to do, but it's something I enjoy which occupies my mind and keeps my thumb on the pulse of Nerdity in my life when I don't otherwise watch TV or play much in the way of video games anymore.

 

But I think it's a lot of fun.  Especially the relating it to real life part. 

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4 minutes ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

1.  How do you feel about Colorado overall?  With a goal to start some #vanlife living next year, Colorado is one place that's being looked at as a possible home base.  Boulders or Springs areas, in particular.

 

I love Colorado, but both Boulder and the Springs have their quirks. Colorado Springs has a lot of city-traffic sprawl, where Boulder is much more manageable. The Air Force Academy makes my prior-service husband distinctly not a fan. It's also a very conservative area, which may or may not be your bent. Boulder is in some ways the opposite - good dirtbag culture, lots of safe places to park overnight, navigable by foot and bike, good coffee, some bastions of queer culture that are safe and welcoming. However, Boulder is also pretty silver-spoon and expensive. It's a great starting place, but you could easily end up in Golden, Lyons or FoCo. I will say I have a number of van-dwelling friends who don't have problems finding places to park.

 

My favorite part of Colorado is the western slope. Yes, it is also a place not politically aligned with me, full of oil&gas. But it's diversifying. And the rocks are orange. And deserty.

 

If you go full vanlife, message me. MFH is an auto-mechanic that ends up working on a lot of van builds. It can go horribly wrong, and I might be able to save you some time.

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1 hour ago, DaemonCorax said:

I love Colorado, but both Boulder and the Springs have their quirks. Colorado Springs has a lot of city-traffic sprawl, where Boulder is much more manageable. The Air Force Academy makes my prior-service husband distinctly not a fan. It's also a very conservative area, which may or may not be your bent. Boulder is in some ways the opposite - good dirtbag culture, lots of safe places to park overnight, navigable by foot and bike, good coffee, some bastions of queer culture that are safe and welcoming. However, Boulder is also pretty silver-spoon and expensive. It's a great starting place, but you could easily end up in Golden, Lyons or FoCo. I will say I have a number of van-dwelling friends who don't have problems finding places to park.

 

My favorite part of Colorado is the western slope. Yes, it is also a place not politically aligned with me, full of oil&gas. But it's diversifying. And the rocks are orange. And deserty.

 

If you go full vanlife, message me. MFH is an auto-mechanic that ends up working on a lot of van builds. It can go horribly wrong, and I might be able to save you some time.

 

Thank you very much for the info!  I've been through Denver and Boulder, loved both, and Breckenridge obvs, but wasn't around long enough to get a real feel.  Conservative does not suit my bent one bit, so that bit was particularly relevant.  Plus as a 'dirty foreigner' there are further complications to consider, hence why this is simply an initial facts-finding process ;) but I am looking to purchase the van come spring and start working on it by then.  Here's to hoping we have something resembling a border solution by then!

 

Also I meant to mention it my previous post, even though we've talked about it in the past, I am extremely jealous of your climbing attributes and that is something I really want to aggressively pursue in the near future (no climbing gyms or bouldering here, for example).  Are you currently climbing, or still in recovery/health mode?  Ideally home base would have climbing facilities and a Muay Thai gym nearby too!  :D

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Ah you have my solidarity and sympathy.. I also felt that big hurdle and a healthy portion of fear before going for a second pregnancy and I definitely didn't even have your traumatic near death experience, just a very rough first year. I can't imagine what it must be like to put that against your wish for a second child. Have you ever talked with someone about your experience? 

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3 hours ago, DaemonCorax said:

 

I love Colorado, but both Boulder and the Springs have their quirks. Colorado Springs has a lot of city-traffic sprawl, where Boulder is much more manageable. The Air Force Academy makes my prior-service husband distinctly not a fan. It's also a very conservative area, which may or may not be your bent. Boulder is in some ways the opposite - good dirtbag culture, lots of safe places to park overnight, navigable by foot and bike, good coffee, some bastions of queer culture that are safe and welcoming. However, Boulder is also pretty silver-spoon and expensive. It's a great starting place, but you could easily end up in Golden, Lyons or FoCo. I will say I have a number of van-dwelling friends who don't have problems finding places to park.

 

My favorite part of Colorado is the western slope. Yes, it is also a place not politically aligned with me, full of oil&gas. But it's diversifying. And the rocks are orange. And deserty.

 

If you go full vanlife, message me. MFH is an auto-mechanic that ends up working on a lot of van builds. It can go horribly wrong, and I might be able to save you some time.

 

3 hours ago, Rurik Harrgath said:

 

Thank you very much for the info!  I've been through Denver and Boulder, loved both, and Breckenridge obvs, but wasn't around long enough to get a real feel.  Conservative does not suit my bent one bit, so that bit was particularly relevant.  Plus as a 'dirty foreigner' there are further complications to consider, hence why this is simply an initial facts-finding process ;) but I am looking to purchase the van come spring and start working on it by then.  Here's to hoping we have something resembling a border solution by then!

 

Also I meant to mention it my previous post, even though we've talked about it in the past, I am extremely jealous of your climbing attributes and that is something I really want to aggressively pursue in the near future (no climbing gyms or bouldering here, for example).  Are you currently climbing, or still in recovery/health mode?  Ideally home base would have climbing facilities and a Muay Thai gym nearby too!  :D


I Also live in CO.  I love it (except shoveling snow.  That sucks). There’s a lot to see.  Cripple creek is cool, but very tourist-y (gambling town) but the drive in is pretty.  Royal Gorge is fun, Phantom Canyon Road if your vehicle can do unimproved........it’s absolutely gorgeous.  Woodland Park, Manitou Springs (legal pit here if that’s your thang).  Lots of backroads to get from Co Springs & Denver if you aren’t in a hurry.  Some of those drives have random (for me) hiking trails.  
 

My 2 cents.  Sorry/not sorry 😁

 

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2 hours ago, Rinna said:

I Also live in CO.  I love it (except shoveling snow.  That sucks). There’s a lot to see.  Cripple creek is cool, but very tourist-y (gambling town) but the drive in is pretty.  Royal Gorge is fun, Phantom Canyon Road if your vehicle can do unimproved........it’s absolutely gorgeous.  Woodland Park, Manitou Springs (legal pit here if that’s your thang).  Lots of backroads to get from Co Springs & Denver if you aren’t in a hurry.  Some of those drives have random (for me) hiking trails.  
 

My 2 cents.  Sorry/not sorry 😁

 

 

No no, I appreciate the input!  apologies for the thread hijack, Daemon 🤣  CO is definitely at the top of our short-list, I think!  The fact that we have so many nerds in the area really just serves to strengthen that decision haha

 

When I visited in 2018, I came back to Canuckistan telling people CO was my spirit state, and I still maintain that to this day!  B)

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The gyms reopened in the summer with very tight caps on people, reservation systems, and mask requirements. We just started going again. My newish home gym - near the house rather than work - has very high ceilings and great ventilation, so we feel the risk is pretty well mitigated. Also the Boulder area is taking the pandemic reasonably seriously.

Colorado is a big state, with lots of cool things. Where your jumping off point is really depends on work and which sport you’re chasing :)

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1 hour ago, DaemonCorax said:

Colorado is a big state, with lots of cool things. Where your jumping off point is really depends on work and which sport you’re chasing :)

 

The sport of LIFE, yo 😎 Seriously though, the goal is for both of us to be remote workers by then, or take whatever comes along.  It's going to be a minimalist lifestyle.  But fun stuff around is also the appeal of heading for CO in the first place.

 

something something CO ranger meetup 2021 something something 👀

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On 10/22/2020 at 4:17 PM, Rurik Harrgath said:

pretty healthy (or unhealthy, depending on how you look at it) activity on the forums

 

I need to be unhealthy on here, if I'm gonna be honest. that's when I was at my best.

 

Hope things are going well.

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Well I'm back. Aaaaaaand I want to go hide in the desert again with a dirt bike and a lot of beer.

 

I came home to (1)my best work partner going through multiple personal nightmares all at once resulting in him being out for the next 2-3 months, (2) my neighbor threatening to sue us about a single fence post, (3) lots of COVID, and (4) the presidential election.

 

I DID get to ride a dirt bike around in the dark. That was awesome.

I DID get to climb a bunch (for someone who was sharing toddler duty). That was awesome.

We had two days of very very very cold. Eh.

I nearly got the truck stuck in a mud chute, alone, with a sleeping toddler in the back, and no comms. Eh. Also, time for a new clutch.

 

I DO want to draw more.

Regarding our earlier chatting about climbing gyms, the recent COVID rise has me nervous again. 8 am on a Saturday is probably great, but whether MFH and I continue to swap weekday evenings is fairly up in the air.

 

I need to get re-excited about the bike build I have going on. Part delays mean it's been coming in really piecemeal. And my over-subscribed self realized at some point that a commuting motorcycle would ALSO be awesome. But you know, toys that go places (teardrop trailer, new truck clutch, bike, motorcycle, etc) have this funny way of costing money. And our garage/driveway/etc have limits space. I also recognize that the desire for a motorcycle, while actually quite practical, is also partly a reaction to too much stress and trying to buy my way out of being stressed.

 

Anyway: here's a pretty picture of Canyonlands for y'all.

 

IMG_2293.JPG

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At least I rode to work today. I'm going to keep trying to ride, even though work just got way too busy, because it makes me happy. Except when it makes me feel rushed. I need to be nice to myself if I drive instead. But yeah: the motorcycle. Not likely to happen for the next 18 mo. Would be super nice for balancing that free breezy feeling and low gas consumption with saving me some time and metabolism on already too-full days.

 

And yes, MFH and I have multiple friends who have trotted out the "moms shouldn't ride motorcycle" line. Ugh.

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Glad you got to ride the bike. Good idea to be nice to yourself when you can't. Somehow a Rangers Brain works like this: I love doing all the things, yay, wait I can't really do all the things; now I feel guilty and beat myself up.I'm trying to just enjoy it and count it as a blessing when I get to do more of the things, but not put it in the "should category" and apply guilt when I can't

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A buddy of mine is fixing up one of these that I wouldn't mind having:

 

https://www.motorcyclespecs.co.za/model/yamaha/yamaha_xj550_sega.htm

Yamaha%20XJ550%20Sega%20%202.jpg

 

I don't even have a helmet right now though, and Arais and Shoeis are $$$. (This is one place where I'm not compromising though. Helmets and gloves matter too much.) I do have a good jacket - the only one I could find years ago that fits AND has armor pockets.

 

Anyway: Continuing to feel very off kilter. I rode again this morning though, which was nice. Lab work is continuing to grind along. I'm hoping to do some basement workout stuff this evening when I get home, keep the shoulders strong. Visibly, my week in the desert made me stronger. My core didn't hurt the way I was expecting. My right shoulder got SUPER tired on one particular pitch, but that's not entirely surprising. We'll see how scary going to the gym to climb feels next week.

 

MFH drafted a much friendlier letter to our neighbor than I was capable of, so we're going to try this whole "de-escalation thing" with her and see if she leaves us alone.

 

Buying things that go places is fun, but first! a new clutch for this beastie. (The trailer in the pic is one we rented, not the one we're buying, which is square. And no, I wasn't towing the trailer while executing a many-point turn in the mud/ice chute in Long Canyon. And yes, it came home much much dirtier.)

 

IMG_2239.thumb.JPG.2e72a29a379206288178bb92234bce67.JPG

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On 11/4/2020 at 1:34 PM, DaemonCorax said:

I came home to (1)my best work partner going through multiple personal nightmares all at once resulting in him being out for the next 2-3 months, (2) my neighbor threatening to sue us about a single fence post, (3) lots of COVID, and (4) the presidential election.

 

Aaaaand it continues. I forgot: I had originally mentally combined COVID and the election. Then the fourth item was that my husband's dog (who lived with his amicably-divorced first wife 1800 miles away) had to be put down. She was 12 and had cancer all over her body. She went rapidly downhill from being an old dog to be an old dog in a lot of pain. So there's that.

 

Sunday my officemate texted me to tell me that his roommate has COVID. We wear masks in the office, but he ate lunch in there at least once in the Wed-Fri time I was there too. (Obviously that practice is over.) So I'm home for the week pending a second negative test that I will get tomorrow morning. My urgent care says tests taken at 5+ days after last known exposure are pretty bulletproof. My officemate hasn't tested positive yet, but it's ambiguous whether than means he couldn't have spread the virus in the intervening time, given his exposure to his roommate was pretty constant and obviously far greater than my exposure to him. This also means my tiny one is home from daycare and missing his buddies, MFH is home and not getting paid, and OUR roommate is hiding out at her boyfriend's. I'm not mad at my officemate - this could have just as easily happened the other direction I think - but frustrated in general. Our group at work comes in more than other groups because we work in the lab. Our organization has not let us take over the office left empty when the finance folks, etc, went home in the spring. The reprieve is that a few of us are working out informal office-sharing arrangements with other engineers who don't come in much. It's organizational tetris. And my program manager is giving me his office to use. But man, having my whole household be collateral damage like this even with precautions in place really stinks.

 

tumblr_mmgfh0HsFX1spv7h3o1_400.gifv

 

Now then about those goals:

1. Being nicer to myself. - I think this has been going better since I got back from the desert. I've been less angry. I also feel like we've been dealt so many blows since getting back that I barely know which end is up.

2. Engaging more with others. - Well I'm relating to MFH a bit better becuase I'm less angry, so that helps.

3. Unstructured workouts. - Not gonna lie, I've been stiff, locked up, and stressed out since getting back. I feel like I can barely move and everything is just a cable thats wound to tight. This morning, since I'm WFH, I went down to the basement and did 15 min of yoga and some core work and 2 pull-ups. It helped immensely. I'm going to go back down there at lunch time.

4. Structured workouts. - I actually have taken time to ride to work 2/3 days last week. Then yesterday I rode in to pick up my work stuff from outside the building. It was not an enjoyable ride. It was cold and I wasn't wearing my big boots. Since I didn't go inside between riding into town and riding home, my feet were blocks of ice 1/2way home and it really slowed me down. The circulation damage I already have in my feet is no joke. Ow. But yeah, I basically am taking that attitude that everything is such a mess, I might as well be 10 min late and ride my damn bike is part of Goal #1 right? On the climbing front, with COVID on the rise, trips to the gym aren't on the table for weeknight evenings right now. I think weekend mornings when there's 5 people there may be ok, but Thursday evenings probably aren't. The gym posts a ticker of how many people are using the space in realtime, so I'm going to watch it this week and see if it feels safe to go back. COVID is rising everywhere though, so secondary exposure is a higher and higher risk. As we move inside because of the cold, I think we're going to have a more trouble, even with face masks.

 

Oh right: I said I was going to draw. Here you go. Meeting doodle. Incomplete.

 

F1A0963E-96BD-4BB8-A53F-C249D7C1B743_1_201_a.thumb.jpeg.040529d6584eabb4aec5672f160a6aa3.jpeg

 

 

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The yoga has been helping.

 

My office mate got his second test Wednesday afternoon, and I got mine Thursday morning. Neither of us have results yet, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

 

The headset on my road/towing/cross/whatever bike was been giving me fits, so I fixed that today. Carbon steertubes are ...interesting....

 

Not much else to report.

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