The Legend of Annyshay: Book Three

[annyshay]

 

Hello, annyshay here!

 

I've been a member of the forums for many years and called most guilds home at one time or another.

I'm a single, fat, queer, 30-something lady (she/her) who lives in the Northeastern USA with my cat, Dragon.

I follow intuitive eating and a health at every size framework.

Currently, I am focusing on my mental health first and foremost. 

 

There's a lot of backstory scattered throughout the forums and my old battle log.

 

Please feel free to ask lots of questions and make yourself at home!

 

Welcome to my corner of the Nerd Fitness Forums.

 

Jump right in and say hello.

[annyshay]

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[annyshay]

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[annyshay]

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[annyshay]

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[annyshay]

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[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Mellon!

 

Also, what is Elvish for FIRST!?

[annyshay]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Mellon!

 

Also, what is Elvish for FIRST!?

I'm sure that there are people that know the answer to that, but it is not me. Lol. 

 

Welcome, Sir Tanktimus.

[annyshay]

So, where did we leave off?

 

Life has been very challenging for everyone in 2020, and recently I've had some of the worst periods of mental health of my life. I had to stop a lot of things, including the forums. Things are slowly easing up, so I'm reappearing.

 

My therapist had several triggering conversations with me and wasn't able to help me get through the resulting panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. It was no longer safe to be in conversation with my former therapist. I've switched therapists, started new medications, and used all the tools in my tool belt to get through the last few weeks. The panic attacks have stopped at least, but anxiety is still very high and depression is creeping in more and more. I'm exhausted and barely hanging on at work.

 

I'm still working with my health coach, Amy Clover. I've started seeing an intuitive eating certified RD to talk through my nutrition. My new therapist is aligned with IE, HAES, and trauma-informed. I'm trying to figure out what support if any to ask for at work. My IRL friends have been unavailable due to their own stress. I've made new friends online, but it's very challenging in person during the pandemic. 

 

I think that catches you up on the big things...

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm glad you switched therapists. Any thoughts about the specific therapist aside, the therapeutic relationship itself was not working for you. The Pandemic and resulting lockdowns and restrictions have been very damaging to people's mental health, I'm glad you have the tools you do to hang on. I hope things get better at work.

I'm excited for you about the IE dietician, I look forward to hearing updates if you feel comfortable sharing them.

 

It's good to see you again. You're a hero and a badass and I'm proud of you.

[annyshay]

5 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm glad you switched therapists. Any thoughts about the specific therapist aside, the therapeutic relationship itself was not working for you. The Pandemic and resulting lockdowns and restrictions have been very damaging to people's mental health, I'm glad you have the tools you do to hang on. I hope things get better at work.

I'm excited for you about the IE dietician, I look forward to hearing updates if you feel comfortable sharing them.

 

It's good to see you again. You're a hero and a badass and I'm proud of you.

You're gonna make me cry, Chaplain. Thanks. *hugs*

 

Yeah, the IE dietician is pretty amazing. We started with two simple things that have made a big difference. One was adding in an afternoon snack and the other was making overnight oats for breakfast. I'm doing these most of the time, and it makes my eating a lot pressured during the day.

 

Now we're working through parts of the IE workbook, which is pretty good if you haven't used it yet, Tank. This week we're focusing on identifying my food voices - food police, diet informant, food rebel, food anthropologist, nurturer, food ally, and intuitive eater. It's taking things to a different level to apply it thought by thought. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I have a copy of the workbook, I taught a church small group on IE once.

[Elastigirl]

Hey there! Glad to see you. Sending hugs, prayers, and love your way

[Mrs Van]

Also glad that you changed therapists. I still remember the last challenge I followed and she triggered anxiety and caused more heartache than helped. ***HUGS***

Also interested in hearing more about the IE changes if you'll share. Oats is such a good option especially if it stood for a bit (slow stable energy release). I have the boys eating oats (but the instant variety at the moment) a couple times a week. Of course haven't done it for myself... *shaking head*.

Love you very much Gryffendarling, and are praying for you.

[annyshay]

So glad to see my buddies have made their way here. Big *hugs* to each of you.

 

Had a fairly good weekend focused on rest and relaxation. 

 

My homework from my therapist on Friday was to counter the thought "there's more that I should be doing" with "it's a pandemic, everybody is doing less." This thought comes up for me A LOT even when I'm not at work. I did it at least a handful of times each day. 

 

I wrote some for NaNo and some for my world building. I'm trying not to worry about the 50k too much and just do my best to get words down. I would love to finish the first draft of this novel by the end of the year.

 

I did a lot of breath work and meditating as well. Drank lots of tea. Chatted with folks online in discord. Snuggled Dragon.

 

Not looking forward to work at all. It has been seriously stressful since two of our partners quit in August. We've been two people, so we're sharing call and inpatient service. It means that I work 12 days in a row, get two days off, and then start all over again. Intense. 

 

I think I will reach out to the woman that my mentor suggested to ask if there are any accommodations that can be made for me. 

[annyshay]

Hi Folks!

 

I think zero week should start tomorrow. Trying to cook up some new stuff for the new year. We'll see. 

 

Excited to see how the forum changes go. I will finally be able to multi-class more easily!

 

[Mrs Van]

Hope you had a lovely Christmas, and will have a blessedly, good, prosperous new year.

 

[annyshay]

Hello Nerds!

 

So 2020 was a transformative year precisely because it was so painful and out of control. A lot of things have changed for me, so I wanted to provide a benchmark or snapshot of where I'm at now before diving into 2021. I'm nervous to share some of these details (haven't told some good friends or family yet because I'm worried about judgment from them), but I think it will be better for me if I am open about what's going on for me. 

 

Spoiler

Physical

I swore off dieting in 2017, I believe, and I have been following an intuitive eating framework since that time. A few weeks ago, I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder, which I did a lot of recovering from on my own thanks to medical fatphobia. I've assembled a health team, including my therapist, IE dietician, and health coach. We're working on releasing a lot of "shoulds" from my self care. 

 

I haven't been doing any intentional movement because I have a ton of resistance to it. Instead we're working on dropping into my body intentionally instead of shutting out her experience of the world. My health coach's homework for my week off from work is to do one minute of movement while dropped into my body. I'm sort of dreading it. 

 

My foot is acting up again and so is my back. We're thinking that a lot of this is stress from work that isn't getting discharged because I'm on call every other week, all the time. 

I discovered breath work, and have been working with a teacher named Eryn Johnson who facilitates breathwork experiences. It's a pretty simple three part active breath that we do anywhere from 8-30+ minutes. It makes my body feel so safe that I've been able to open up some of the deep beliefs that I've been holding on to and make some space around them. Hard to explain, but definitely something I'm going to keep working with. 

 

Mental 

I talked a bit earlier about the switch of my therapists and the panic attacks that were provoked after some triggering things that she said. Well, I'm so grateful because my new therapist is the bomb! She is accepting of all of my identities and is much more gentle and careful about making sure that I'm willing to work on what we're talking about instead of repeatedly poking at my soft spots just to do it. I feel much more heard and seen.

 

My mental health is MUCH better than it's been for quite a while at the moment. My depression and anxiety are on the back burner. I've been slowly healing the deep limiting belief that there's something seriously wrong with me. I'm hopeful that I'm actually going to see some of this post-traumatic growth that people talk about. 

 

Social

This has been HARD in a new city in a pandemic. Mostly, I've reached out to new communities online. I have a group of writers, a group of world builders, and a group of witches that I hang out with. I also have a small group that I play Stardew with every Wednesday. These interactions have been life blood for me as a lot of my close friends have been too overwhelmed to even speak lately.

 

I think most of you are aware that I came out as asexual about a year ago. I'm still figuring out where I fit in the LGBTQIA+ community. It's a bit hard as an ace person, honestly. There's still a lot of acephobia, which makes no sense to me. There's a lot of ace groups in NYC, but I haven't taken the plunge to join them yet. 

 

Spiritual

So, I think this is the biggest shift for me personally. I wasn't able to find a church that I connected with in my new home town. The way that the churches were responding to the pandemic made me nauseated. People calling down judgment from God on their neighbors. I wanted nothing to do with people that believed such hateful things. I backed out of a Bible study and stopped going to church.

 

I was working on deepening my meditation practice and setting up a meditation room, when I stumbled along altars from a variety of witches. Something caught my spirit and I delved deeper and deeper into the witchcraft community. I've been working with one teacher, Tenae, in particular and joined a group of 13 women that are from a variety of witchcraft backgrounds. It's been so healing for me. I love that group and the things that I've been learning there. 

 

So where does that leave me with God? Not sure honestly. I'm pretty angry at Him on several levels. We continue to talk about it. I guess time will tell how the relationship unfolds.

 

 

So, that's where I'm at. Let's see what shenangians we can get up to. Shall we?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Spoiler

I'm glad you were able to get a better team around you, that will pay off huge dividends next year.

 

The breath work sounds intriguing, I'm glad it's helpful to you. 

 

Acephobia makes no sense to me. Virtually every religion ever has room for celibate people in it, and in fact most celebrate them. 

 

Mad at God is ok and normal. Process the mad when the time is right and things will work out. 

 

[Renate]

Hey Annyshay! I am interested in the IE approach. Sorry to hear about your struggles (which are valid despite everything being rough on everyone). I'm also glad to hear you have a better team around you.

 

[annyshay]

 

Spoiler

So ace and celibate are not the same thing. I’m talking experiencing no sexual attraction. Ace folks can and do have relationships and/or sex. We’ll see if a relationship ever pops up for me. I’m still figuring out my romantic orientation.

 

[annyshay]

Hi Athena! Intuitive eating basically says that we eat what satisfies us. There are ten principles from the ladies that invented the approach. Here’s the link... https://www.intuitiveeating.org/10-principles-of-intuitive-eating/. They have a wonderful book if you’re looking to learn more. I’m happy to answer any questions too, as it’s quite the journey!

[Renate]

Yes! I found the website but I am having difficulty conceptualising it all. I have no history with disordered eating - although social conditioning maybe disorders everyone's eating at least a bit - but I have also noticed thought patterns / not recognising signals or knowing what to do with the signal information,

 

whatever it is, that might be intervening with leading a healthy life, for lack of better terms... So I follow the IE thread and so on. I think I'll learn better with examples  Thank you for sharing.

[annyshay]

Oh cool! The first thing for me was rejecting the diet mentality. For me that has been an ongoing journey to make peace with my body however it shows up and not hold on to some fantasy of being smaller or “thin” or looking a particular way. Losing weight is not a goal for me any more.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Spoiler

I misspoke, and discovered some ineherint bias on my part. In my mind I conflated ace with celibacy, I apologize.