The Men's Thread: Episode III

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

This is a continuation of two other threads that came before.

Back in the depths of time, or 2012 at any rate, there was the first thread. It started as a question about ED and then moprhed into a very active thread. It got so big it was taxing the limits of the forum software at the time, (at 119 pages, though in the forum software of that day it was 150 pages) so nine months after it was locked and a new thread was created.

The second thread went up in September 2012 and made it to 143 pages, the newer forum software handling larger threads much more easily. However, given that it's 8 years old, it's time for this, new, third thread.

 

This isn't exclusive, people who aren't men may of course participate and ask questions. The title is about the theme, and not the participants. As ever, the Rules of the Rebellion apply, so be nice to one another.

[ElectricTrailRunner]

So this is the first topic in the new thread that started with a heavy subject so lets start this one off with a heavy one too.

 

 

So has anyone here been through a divorce? The writing has been on the wall for years and I've been to afraid to do anything about it; my biggest fear isn't losing her, honestly I think life would be better without her around, it's losing access to the kids.

 

So as I was writing this she asked for a divorce via text message. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

I have been divorced, fortunately there were no kids involved. From what I understand it's not good for the children for two unhappy people to stay together. Are you worried your spouse will keep the kids away from you because of something specific about your spouse or because of things you've heard about others' experiences of divorce? 

[ElectricTrailRunner]

specific about my ex, her entire family can hold grudges for years and have the attitude of my way of the highway. 

 

Honestly it's for the better of the kids, I would start yelling at them because they were being kids (not cleaning their rooms, leaving art supplies out, yadda yadda yadda) and I realized that it couldn't keep going on, that she treated me so much like a butler that I would have anxiety about getting/keeping the house clean and having dinner on the table for when she got home so she wouldn't start yelling and be in a bad mood for the rest of the night.

 

She gave me such bad anxiety that I had performance anxiety during sex, that I was so worried about things going wrong and not being able to please her that I took myself out of my head space which is not good when you are trying to be intimate. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

When my divorce happened it was mutual but I realized I was all give and she was all take. Your experience sounds similar to mine. It's gonna suck, especially when she and her family make things difficult with kids, but that first night in your own place will feel awesome. Make sure you get a good lawyer who will fight for you. I was fortunate, we had no kids and no assests so we did an uncontested divorce (the ex really wanted out), but I have a friend whose divorce lasted several years because his lawyers were too passive.

[ElectricTrailRunner]

Thanks, I'm in contact with a men's divorce lawyer. Honestly I don't think anyone on either side of the family is going to be surprised this happened; and I think/hope her family will agree that I need to be in the kids lives as I always have been. 

[Red1263]

I wasn't married to her, but I can relate to the "I give and she only takes" aspect of a relationship. It really hit me when I had to apologize to my own nieces for actions not of my own. I'm grateful of the experiences I gained from that relationship, but I HAD to walk away from her. 

 

I hope it all works out for you, my friend.

[cn3wton]

Ah the mens thread. Glad you brought it back to live Tank, have fond memories of it back in the day.

 

Sorry your going through a divorce man. In the past I've been in many one sided relationships and I understand that it can be really tough. I know that kids can make the situation even more delicate. I am hoping that you find a good resolution.

 

A similar topic for thought,

I haven't been in any sort of real relationship for about 4 years now. Just hitting 30 and its starting to stress me out a bit. I have friends that are older than me that didnt settle down and have a family until their mid 30's, but it still doesn't make it any easier. 

 

My big thing is that I always feel like I have to work on myself before someone would want to be with me. And typing that makes me realize how heavy a statement that really is. Whenever someone goes "shes cute Corey" the first instinct in my head is often negatively aimed at myself. 

 

I understand that the world is changing. Getting married in your 30's isn't uncommon anymore. I was just wondering what everyone's experience has been now especially with COVID.

[RisenPhoenix]

Adding in my sympathies, because I ended a 6 year relationship at the start of last year (silly me thinking that was going to be the crap highlight of 2020) for much the same reason of I was all give, she was all take.  With the added flavor of me trying to ask for things and assert my boundaries resulted in her gaslighting me and telling me how I was terrible.  Super fun times.

 

On 1/18/2021 at 2:07 PM, cn3wton said:

A similar topic for thought,

I haven't been in any sort of real relationship for about 4 years now. Just hitting 30 and its starting to stress me out a bit. I have friends that are older than me that didnt settle down and have a family until their mid 30's, but it still doesn't make it any easier. 

 

My big thing is that I always feel like I have to work on myself before someone would want to be with me. And typing that makes me realize how heavy a statement that really is. Whenever someone goes "shes cute Corey" the first instinct in my head is often negatively aimed at myself. 

 

I understand that the world is changing. Getting married in your 30's isn't uncommon anymore. I was just wondering what everyone's experience has been now especially with COVID.

 

So as someone solidly in his mid 30s and, uh, as above ended a long term thing that I had expected to end in marriage..... Dating sucks.  Maybe it's the introvert in me, or the cynic, or the figuring-out-and-exploring-sexuality part of it.  It just sucks.  Dating apps are the bane of my existence, but in COVID they are pretty much the only way to go to keep things socially distant and safe.  I did have a brief relationship with someone who was actually really good for me, I just was not in a good mental place for a million other reasons so she ended things.  But on the other hand being with her made me realizing things about my communication style (both in and out of bed), my mental health habits, and my reluctance to try things like therapy and get back on meds.  For a relationship that was only a couple months, I learned a lot.

 

But yea, dating is not great right now.  I think part of it is that with the apps, people are swiping through a buffet, and that means static shots of a living person, which means people you might be interested in in person get missed.

 

I will say though that focusing on making me be in a headspace where I wasn't *constantly* degrading myself was a priority.  For me that was losing a bunch of weight I had gained in the relationship from stress and trying to find ways to deal with the pandemic in a healthy manner.  Also picking pictures I loved of myself, rather than ones other people suggested.  But dating at the very least starts with liking yourself and fighting the "I'm not worth that person's time" senses.  I'm not great at it, and my flirt game tends to involve lots of self deprecation, but it's something I'm working on.  Mainly I'm trying to talk to people more (as much as my introvert meter allows), and see what I learn from there.

[Scaly Freak]

2 hours ago, RisenPhoenix said:

But dating at the very least starts with liking yourself and fighting the "I'm not worth that person's time" senses.  I'm not great at it, and my flirt game tends to involve lots of self deprecation, but it's something I'm working on.  Mainly I'm trying to talk to people more (as much as my introvert meter allows), and see what I learn from there.

 

You are an awesome person. You are fantastic. Any person you chose to date is fortunate and blessed, because they have been given a chance to be with you. If they don't value that privilege, they don't deserve you.

[RisenPhoenix]

1 hour ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

You are an awesome person. You are fantastic. Any person you chose to date is fortunate and blessed, because they have been given a chance to be with you. If they don't value that privilege, they don't deserve you.

I very much want to refute all of this but I suspect if I do that @Tanktimus the Encouragerwill come bursting through my walls a la the Koolaid man to beat me. 

[Scaly Freak]

3 minutes ago, RisenPhoenix said:

I very much want to refute all of this

 

Why? 

 

Surely dating someone who thinks you're barely tolerable, and who is only going through the motions while they wait for someone better to come along, is sucky and inferior when compared to dating someone who thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to them?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, RisenPhoenix said:

I very much want to refute all of this but I suspect if I do that @Tanktimus the Encouragerwill come bursting through my walls a la the Koolaid man to beat me. 

[RubiksCat]

Kind of felt like venting earlier and I changed my mind on it. Erased my post. 

[RisenPhoenix]

19 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Why? 

 

Surely dating someone who thinks you're barely tolerable, and who is only going through the motions while they wait for someone better to come along, is sucky and inferior when compared to dating someone who thinks you're the best thing that ever happened to them?

Really think you’re underestimating how self deprecating I am and overestimating my ability to take compliments and self worth. 
 

Working on it, but not exactly primed to easily accept nice things about myself. 

 

16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Does this count as a know thy self moment? Pretty sure it counts and I get points for it. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

23 minutes ago, RisenPhoenix said:

Does this count as a know thy self moment? Pretty sure it counts and I get points for it. 

Also Damn skippy  

[RisenPhoenix]

3 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Also Damn skippy  

Sweet! No beatings AND points. Awesome sauce. 

[Scaly Freak]

5 hours ago, RisenPhoenix said:

Really think you’re underestimating how self deprecating I am and overestimating my ability to take compliments and self worth. 

 

I might. I've spent a lot of time working through a lifetime of insecurities about my own worth, and I'm not done yet. I do know that while repeatedly telling myself that I'm magnificent and deserving of only the best might be corny and cliché, it helps, because if someone repeats a message to us over and over and over, our brains will eventually take the message as truth.  

[ElectricTrailRunner]

Yep I struggle with that too, it seems like hippie dippy bull crap to me "I is kind, I is beautiful, I is worthy"  but really it is needed especially if you didn't hear/get that growing up; which I didn't

 

 

so my wife and I are working things out, she agreed to go to counseling. She admitted that she wasn't an angel and that this whole covid thing, and working at home while trying to do schooling is stressing her out to the max. I keep telling her kids first, work second, it's not her fault that the world went to shit and if grown ass adults can't handle bringing their own water in for a few weeks until the new water vendors are brought in then F them. Seriously I tell her all the time she needs to find a new less stressful job than the one where she has to listen to people complain about every little thing and take no accountability for themselves. 

[Scaly Freak]

55 minutes ago, Capt Frost said:

so my wife and I are working things out, she agreed to go to counseling. She admitted that she wasn't an angel and that this whole covid thing, and working at home while trying to do schooling is stressing her out to the max. 

 

That's great news! I hope the counseling helps you both.

 

And points to your wife for admitting something that most adults would really struggle with facing and admitting even to themselves. It makes me optimistic for you.   

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm so happy for you Captain, I really hope the counseling helps.

Spoiler

If you both want the counseling to work, it most likely will.

 

[cn3wton]

So glad to hear you guys are working things out!

[This is Seth]

Oh boy, the original "Men's Thread". I remember what a fuster cluck that turned into. I scanned it again and I don't show up until page 9... that sounds about right.

 

Let me go ahead and resurrect this one to get some buy-in from any other nerds out there.

 

For those of you who have daughters, any advice for someone about to step into the role of a "girl dad"?

 

My son is 5, so I've done halfway decent at overall parenting so far. I'm looking for any specifics on differences to raising boys and girls. 

 

The best advice I've gotten so far has been "everything is exactly the same as raising boys, except make sure you wipe from front to back on them. always." Anyone else have some dadding advice?

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

As a dad of a 2yo girl (no other kids), love your kid, wipe front to back, and it will work out. You've got three years parenting experience on me, so I don't know if I could tell you anything you don't know. 

[Waldo]

I imagine its the same as boys dad where each one is completely different.  I have 3 boys (10, 6, 4); its like there is mutual personality repulsion, each one is the polar opposite of the others.  The oldest is a classic genx slacker that sits around playing video games all day and watching youtube; can't get him to do much of anything physical (and in general), but he is into programming and game modding and super into cars.  The middle one needs to be social at all times and can't sit still for a second, he entertains himself climbing up the door frames and doing moves of some sort (kid is rockin a solid 6 pack at 6).  Youngest is sneaky and shady and likes to play by himself; smart as a whip though and super self sufficient (unlike #1).  Parenting each one is pretty different, even when they were the same age.