How to rebuild a Wolverine

[KB Girl]

21 minutes ago, Lara said:

I know I'm being childish, because despite their visit I should keep my plans and enjoy holidays, instead of making things worse for myself, but I don't seem to be able to get out of this mood.   

You're not. Under better circumstances you might be able to be more gracious about it- but you don't like these people (with good reason) and having them sprung on you is reason enough to be upset under normal circumstances. You're sleep deprived. Every day that you do even the slightly more than simply survive you deserve a medal. It sucks, but at least it's normal that you can't get yourself out of that mood and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. 

 

23 minutes ago, Lara said:

I tried to focus on the idea that these days will pass and I will miss a lot of what I have now, so I'd rather try to enjoy as much as I can

Thank god this is true- but don't feel bad if as much as you can isn't a whole lot. 

[Lara]

8 minutes ago, KB Girl said:

Thank god this is true- but don't feel bad if as much as you can isn't a whole lot. 

This cracked me up 😂

 

9 minutes ago, KB Girl said:

You're not. Under better circumstances you might be able to be more gracious about it- but you don't like these people (with good reason) and having them sprung on you is reason enough to be upset under normal circumstances. You're sleep deprived. Every day that you do even the slightly more than simply survive you deserve a medal. It sucks, but at least it's normal that you can't get yourself out of that mood and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. 

Thanks. I'm feeling calmer now. I cried it out and afterwards, since my brain insisted on coming back again and again to the same, I laid down for a few rounds of WH breathing and it totally reset me (I think it would be a good idea to add it to my daily goals, since it's not only calming but a good way to obtain extra energy).

I don't like them, but I have to find a way to live with the fact that they will be visiting and they will spend time with the kid. I'm less concerned about the grandma, I'm sure she is going to love the kid dearly despite our differences, but I just can't stand him. I never liked him, but now it's worse, because I don't  want him to have any influence on her. I try to think it the positive way "there are jerks everywhere in this world, she'll just get early practice with one of them and I'll be there to help her learn how to deal with him". But other days I think "how on earth am I going to be of help if I can't manage the situation myself?" Many times I lack the response I would like to have to his "witty" comments, and when I have one I just don't dare to say it out loud. An example: he has said several times that she is so young that she is boring, because she can't talk or walk, "bring her to me when she can do something, when she is one year old", and the other day when he said once again "yeah, she is a nice kid, but I still don't like her. Not until she is one year old, now she's boring", my thought was "maybe when she'll be one year old she won't like you" but I thought it would be too offensive and I bit my tongue. I wish I could answer him in his own way, with witty comments that sound joyful but are a cutting knife, only I don't seem to be that kind of person.

[Ann of Owlshire]

3 hours ago, Lara said:

 

I know I'm being childish, because despite their visit I should keep my plans and enjoy holidays, instead of making things worse for myself, but I don't seem to be able to get out of this mood.   

 

I don’t think it’s childish to be upset at having difficult people insert themselves into your day without warning or asking. 

[Heidi]

3 hours ago, Lara said:

I know I'm being childish,

No, actually, I don't think you are being childish.

I think you are honoring your needs, and that is exactly what you should do.

You have spent some time with them, and you need a break from visitors, this has nothing to do with Covid and everything to do with self-care and healing. 

Kings Day is absolutely soon enough to have another visit from anyone, even people who are supportive and stress busting.

 

I think the problem is boyfriend feels caught in his parents' desire to see the baby. It is never easy to navigate these waters. I would love it if you had a few days between these visits. If that's not possible, I'm still in your corner.

[Lara]

3 hours ago, Ann of Owlshire said:

 

I don’t think it’s childish to be upset at having difficult people insert themselves into your day without warning or asking. 

 

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

No, actually, I don't think you are being childish.

I think you are honoring your needs, and that is exactly what you should do.

You have spent some time with them, and you need a break from visitors, this has nothing to do with Covid and everything to do with self-care and healing. 

Kings Day is absolutely soon enough to have another visit from anyone, even people who are supportive and stress busting.

When I said childish I wasn't thinking of my initial reaction, which I think is justified, at least from my point of view. What was childish was to let the situation drag me and make me lose the whole morning. I had planned a lovely walk that didn't take place  because I was frustrated. Not being able to manage my feelings about the situation made me have a pitiful morning, when I could have said "screw that" and follow my plan whatever my feelings. And I would have felt better sooner.

 

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

I think the problem is boyfriend feels caught in his parents' desire to see the baby. It is never easy to navigate these waters. I would love it if you had a few days between these visits. If that's not possible, I'm still in your corner.

Exactly. He feels he is being pushed from both sides and there is no way he can get both parts happy. What is not so fair is that the part always having to yield is me. The whole thing of visitors has been a nightmare since the kid was born, and although my boyfriend asked me to decide what did I want and what not (how many visitors each time, for how long they would stay...), in the end both he and whoever the visitors were, did whatever they wanted. So I feel that whatever my opinion or my needs are , they're not going to be listened, therefore my overreaction to things that in other circumstances wouldn't affect me so much.

[KB Girl]

5 hours ago, Lara said:

So I feel that whatever my opinion or my needs are , they're not going to be listened, therefore my overreaction to things that in other circumstances wouldn't affect me so much.

Completely understandable. Does your boyfriend realise this? 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I was thinking about this today after reading it. The reason you are the one who always has to yield is you don't put up the fuss his parents do. They have years of knowing how to not have boundaries with him in ways that lead him to give in. Furthermore, they will put up a much bigger stink if he gives in to you than any stink you will put up because you aren't that kind of person.

 

That doesn't make any of it ok, by the way. At some point in any healthy relationship the two partners have to put each other ahead of their families of origin.

[Lara]

11 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Completely understandable. Does your boyfriend realise this? 

Yes and no. He knows I'm not happy with how visits have worked, but his answer is "then you deal with them, you talk to people and tell them what you want". Ok, I can deal with them, but it's impossible if I'm not even told they want to come and I learn about it when I listen to the conversation on the phone. Then, once it's all settled, he says "well, call them and tell them not to come, I have no problem with that". He is expecting me to anticipate to things, when my brain is only able to react to hunger and thirst and some days not even to that.

I guess the main problem is how tired we both are, and I hope that with time we will learn to deal better with the situation.

I have to admit that after the initial confrontation he is always ready to talk and try to make things better for both of us, but at that point I'm so tired and fed up with everything that I don't really want to talk about how I feel or what I want, since I know it's too late to cancel the visit and once again I'll have to give in, therefore I don't want to discuss anything anymore, I just want to be left alone and sleep, so I'm not being helpful either.

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I was thinking about this today after reading it. The reason you are the one who always has to yield is you don't put up the fuss his parents do. They have years of knowing how to not have boundaries with him in ways that lead him to give in. Furthermore, they will put up a much bigger stink if he gives in to you than any stink you will put up because you aren't that kind of person.

 

That doesn't make any of it ok, by the way. At some point in any healthy relationship the two partners have to put each other ahead of their families of origin.

They don't even need to make a fuss. They rely on low key pressure (I'm missing so much because of the restrictions, she'll grow up without knowing me, she doesn't know who I am, it's so sad that we can't meet, these christmas should be special...) and on having raised his own child to obey without thinking. One example: when the kid was 2 months old we all gathered, his family and mine, and when we were at the table for lunch the baby was awake and very interested in everything around, so I was keeping her in my arms, when his  father said "what? The kid here at the table? No, let her over there on the couch while we eat". His immediate reaction was to take the kid off my arms and do what his father had said. Then I went to the couch and took the kid back with me.

He is aware that he has this type of reactions, we've talked about it over the years and he is glad that I'm able to see things from the outside, but since the kid arrived they've been trying to influence him more and it's tiring to have to be always on guard.

I don't want to pressure him, because as someone who spent years in therapy until I was able to confront my mother, I know how difficult it is to overcome such a childhood, but with my current physical and emotional state it's not always easy to deal with the mess his family is.

And with all this I don't mean like he is a puppet on their hands or anything, he is well aware of most of it, and usually does what is best for us, only that with the kid here the pressure is way bigger than before and more difficult for him to manage.

 

[Lara]

I don't even know if I explained myself clearly in the previous post. My mind is too foggy these days.

[Lara]

31.12

Cold water. Breathing cycles. 

Healthy meal was dinner (salad and steak), although there was some bread. 

Things I enjoy: hearing the rain tapping on the window, listening to some music to relax. I could count breathing cycles here. It was nice to see that after all this time I can still be 2 minutes without breathing with no effort.

Tried to take a walk, but for once I had to admit that weather wasn't good enough to take Wolvie outside (chilly, heavy wind, and heavy rain) so I came back home. 

Forgot meditation, but I was so sleepy that when Wolvie fell asleep I followed without even noticing. 

 

[WhiteGhost]

A little late chiming in, but also wanted to add a voice to the others saying it is OK to take the kid out to places where you would feel safe by yourself.  

 

2 hours ago, Lara said:

He is expecting me to anticipate to things, when my brain is only able to react to hunger and thirst and some days not even to that.

This is a real struggle but I don't have any helpful advice, just solidarity and a hope that things get better.  

 

2 hours ago, Lara said:

hey don't even need to make a fuss. They rely on low key pressure

Like Tank said, they know exactly what it takes to get him to cave to them.  Decades of honing that skill have gotten them where they are (as have the decades of conditioning that affect your boyfriends ability to push back) 

[KB Girl]

Its a sucky situation, hugs for you.

Not sure it’s an option, but this is why we choose to sleep apart with the second- it’s much better when one of us can actually think and behave somewhat rationally and with patience. 

[Lara]

5 hours ago, KB Girl said:

Its a sucky situation, hugs for you.

Not sure it’s an option, but this is why we choose to sleep apart with the second- it’s much better when one of us can actually think and behave somewhat rationally and with patience. 

Yeah, well, we are sleeping apart. When the kid was born we soon realised that he was good for nothing if he got less than 7-8 hours a day, so after a few totally shitty weeks we decided best was that at least him should have full nights. So he is tired, but in a different level.

 

We talked today about how I have the impression I always give in. To my surprise he said he is under the impression that we did what I wanted 90% of time. That if it were his call we would have had way more visits and for longer. I think, however, that the reason more visits didn't happen is not because I didn't want them but because covid rules prevented them. It seems like we're never going to agree on this, and once again, I'm way too tired to keep discussing the subject. And anyway there's no way I can discuss anything properly, since my brain takes ages to process any information. Right now I just want to tell him he's right, and that I'll do whatever he wants, just to let all this drop and spend my days in peace.

 

On a brighter side, in-laws came today and they behaved. No comments, no critics. What was weird was that all this "stay for longer, we barely see the kid, why don't you stay a couple more days", apparently doesn't apply when they are visiting, because they spent here 4 exact hours and then left because she had to iron plenty of clothes and they needed to turn on the dishwasher. I swear I'm not making that up.

[Heidi]

16 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

At some point in any healthy relationship the two partners have to put each other ahead of their families of origin.

I'm going to echo this from Tank.

And I believe you about their need to "get back to the dishwasher," I was in a very similar situation with the parents of my sons' dad. I found balance in saying that they were welcome anytime for as long as they wanted to stay. This was slightly less than true, because if they had moved in I would have lost what was left of my mind. But saying that it was too difficult to travel with an infant, or later a toddler, was the way that made it ok-enough. They were selfish and critical when they were in our place, but it was a lot easier to let it roll off. And they never stayed long, and the visits dried up pretty quickly. The complaints lasted, of course, and I repeated the invitation as warmly as possible every time there was a complaint from them or through my partner. 

 

I am sending thoughts of peace and rest to you. 

I'm glad you spoke to your boyfriend -- this speaks well of your ability to be in a mature and meaningful relationship. His response is not reflective of the effort you put in. Please be gentle with yourself.

❣️

[Mad Hatter]

Instead of focusing on who's giving in to whom in the past, could you perhaps take one day when you're both relatively functional and decide together on rules? For example number of days between visits, max length of visits, perhaps some "me-time" during visits etc. It might be easier if you have the rules in front of you next time the conversation pops up instead of always having to react in the moment.

 

Hugs, it all sounds so rough to navigate!

[Lara]

2 hours ago, Heidi said:

But saying that it was too difficult to travel with an infant, or later a toddler, was the way that made it ok-enough.

Apparently I'm the only one thinking this way *sigh*

You went through a lot yourself. I hope I'll have the same inner calm to face what is coming.

 

2 hours ago, Heidi said:

Please be gentle with yourself.

I need tons of this right now.

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

decide together on rules? For example number of days between visits, max length of visits, perhaps some "me-time" during visits etc. It might be easier if you have the rules in front of you next time the conversation pops up instead of always having to react in the moment.

We had those rules. They were broken most of the time. That's how we have arrived to this point. And I'm no longer willing to think about new rules since the first we agreed to were dismissed so easily.

 

But you know what? Talking about this here has been helpful to keep the calm. I would have usually kept all of this to myself until I couldn't go on, and putting it in words and having your point of view has done me good. I don't know what happens now (Kings day is around the corner and sure it's going to bring trouble), but at least I'm not a little ball of nerves and I can breath and go to sleep with a quiet mind. Thank you all 🥰

[Lara]

1.1

Cold shower 1:30. 3 breathing cycles.

Thing I enjoy: sharing at NF. 

Healthy meal: dinner (salmon tartare). 

Going outside: 45 minutes around the neighbourhood right before the snow.

Meditation: a bit tense. Tired. Go to sleep. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Lara said:

 

But you know what? Talking about this here has been helpful to keep the calm. I would have usually kept all of this to myself until I couldn't go on, and putting it in words and having your point of view has done me good. I don't know what happens now (Kings day is around the corner and sure it's going to bring trouble), but at least I'm not a little ball of nerves and I can breath and go to sleep with a quiet mind. Thank you all 🥰

We all need to be able to speak our feelings allowed and we all need to have them validated. This is a basic element of human nature. I'm glad we could be there for you this time.

[Heidi]

3 hours ago, Lara said:

Talking about this here has been helpful to keep the calm. I would have usually kept all of this to myself until I couldn't go on, and putting it in words and having your point of view has done me good.

I found this at NF too, and it's a real blessing (and superpower). Breathe. We are with you.

[Mad Hatter]

11 hours ago, Lara said:

We had those rules. They were broken most of the time. That's how we have arrived to this point. And I'm no longer willing to think about new rules since the first we agreed to were dismissed so easily.

Ouch. This is not ok. I do hope you'll be able to find a way of communicating/compromising at some point when emotions are slightly less volatile. 

 

I'm glad talking it out helped!

[Lara]

2.1

Cold shower 1 minute. 

Healthy breakfast: strawberries-banana-coconut milk smoothie and cashews.

4 breathing cycles. Deeply relaxing.

A thing I enjoy: nothing. 

Going out: nope. 

Meditation: I felt sad and lonely and I cried.  

[deftona]

2 hours ago, Lara said:

I felt sad and lonely and I cried.  

 

I'm sorry you're suffering, Lara. Have you considered speaking to your doctor? 

[Lara]

20 minutes ago, deftona said:

 

I'm sorry you're suffering, Lara. Have you considered speaking to your doctor? 

I've thought about it, but right now I'm on an unpaid leave and I can't afford to pay for a therapist. And it is impossible to get a therapist through the NHS since all visits are suspended because coronavirus (and anyway psychological help has always been a disaster in the health system, like you get one session every three months).

In any case, what I really need is to sleep. Things were ok until bad sleep started, and it gets worse and worse as weeks go by and I get no rest.

Good news are things seems to be changing. There has been a clear progression this week in her sleep, slight but steady, and yesterday she slept for 3 hours in a row at the beginning of the  night, and during the early morning she slept way better than usual. In fact I don't remember being able to lay down with her in bed at that time for the past three months, and I've been able to do it these last nights. So I've got hope. And I know that it's enough for me to get six hours of sleep, even in fragments, to get back to be my real me.

I've also been talking to my brother, who is being very supportive with all this in-laws mess.

[Heidi]

Can maybe your brother (or someone?) take the baby for a bit, or come by and do everything that isn't nursing? I'd love for you to have a whole day of nothing but baths, tea, and rest. 

[Lara]

16 hours ago, Heidi said:

Can maybe your brother (or someone?) take the baby for a bit, or come by and do everything that isn't nursing? I'd love for you to have a whole day of nothing but baths, tea, and rest. 

I don't have anyone around here. I moved to this city a few years back and it seems extremely difficult to make friends (and I'm not the most sociable on earth either). I have a few colleagues I get on really well with, but they're still just colleagues. My brother lives around 300 km away from here, so he's not an option. The closer ones are my in-laws, who are at a 40 minutes drive from here, but, well, I think it's clear I'm not getting much help from them.

Today has been better anyway. It really is about sleep: a good side effect of breathing cycles seems to be that suddenly I find it easier to get back to sleep after Wolvie wakes me up, so although still in chunks, I'm getting some more sleep than before.

 

And I know this will make me very unpopular around here, but I don't like baths nor tea 😛