[Renate] 2021: Getting Out of the Tutorial Zone

[Renate]

Spoiler

Battle log 2016-2020:

 

 

 

2021.

 

The year I’ll be finishing my academic journey, if all goes well. For that and other, more global reasons,

I felt like 2021 needed its own, separate battle log.

I’ve always felt some resistance to starting things on a Monday, on the first, or on the first of January. (Even though I did suffer from procrastination when I did not make it to my study desk right at the round hour, or half past. )

 

In this case, it happens to be around the new year’s that I finally had the vision to make a roadmap of my fitness journey, RPG style. And yeah, I'm no novellist, but it's all in the spirit of my word for 2021: Experiment.

 

Life will inevitably happen but the current circumstances are the perfect ones to become resilient, or even anti-fragile.

In my career and personal life, lots of big decisions are coming up. But to rephrase a DMX lyric: “As long as I have values in my life, I shall know no fear.”

 

Without further ado:

(All quests mentioned are subject to change.)

 

~~~

BACKSTORY

Athena is a human druid at heart, always seeking balance and studying the mind. One might not see this if they meet her in her more enthusiastic moods, happily chatting away and going from one tangent to another. They would if they meet her in the park, doing Mental Pushups, as some wise people call meditation.

 

By choice, she is a bard/rogue multiclass. 

 

When she is not taking assignments from those that have similar values as her or deepening her (self-)knowledge, she is mastering the art of story-telling, – for what is law without the stories it is applied to – rediscovering her forgotten love for writing (poetry), dancing the night away, and listening to the stories of those around her to broaden her horizon. 

 

She has devoted her life to honing her body into a weapon, so weapons would only be a fun addition to her energy efficient fighting style. In her own words: “Kindness is not weakness.”

 

Her alignment shifted from lawful good to chaotic good-to-neutral, when she realized not all rules are written after balancing the interests and well-being of all parties involved.
 

Spoiler

After hearing Emerson debase the value of novels, a young college student, Charles Woodbury, became deeply disappointed in the mentor he nearly worshipped. Nervously, with “quivering lips,” Woodbury said he simply couldn’t agree with the philosopher’s stance.
“Very well,” Emerson answered with a twinkling eye. “I do not wish disciples.”
This moment, Woodbury later remembered, “was a long step toward manhood.”
– AoM

 

Some years ago, the Writer, as she calls her teleportation torturer, started teleporting to the world as we know it. Or is it the other way around? She does not know anymore. 

 

Whatever the case may be, her Other World body was a lot weaker and less coordinated. For all the years she has spent in it, she has not made a lot of progress. Many distractions and comforts make it a lot easier to forgo training, in this World. Foods tasting like nothing she had ever had even in the richest of palaces of her Original World. One could become a world-class chef just by watching TV!

 

Regardless, she missed having that control of her body, and the Other World did not come without its dangers. So, it is time to get to training…

 

FITNESS GOALS

(Not all of these need to be completed in 2021, but I will pick goals that help me progress on some of these quests.)

 

Still to do:

*Order goals better.

*Write what I actually want to have achieved at the end of 2021 (maybe)

*Write down how the tracking will happen (or do challenge per challenge?)

 

QUEST 1: Get back into my 2017 clothes (it’s a mind game)

Write and follow a craving protocol 

Move

Eat recommended amount of veggies as often as possible

 

QUEST 2: Learn how to fuel my body

Keep having a fatty fish day

Work calcium + iron into my snacks/meals

Do 28-day reset to check for food sensitivities

Try 5:2 IF for a month

 

QUEST 3: Become bullet proof…/ Mobility train habit feet, wrists and shoulders

Get into the habit of 6 days/week mobility training
Get into the habit of daily fysio exercise breaks

 

QUEST 4: Master the mind & the body

Do tai chi twice a week
Maintain meditation practice

Maintain (written) gratitude practice
Practice vulnerability, strengthen figurative core

Run outside, threadmill, stationary bike: learn to push forward
Get to 25 consecutive pushups

Get to 1 minute 10 sec. plank

Do a squat challenge

(...) *master other BW exercises*

*And some yoga poses*

Morning / lunch / after-dinner walks

Take self-defense classes
Get resting heart rate down to 80

 

QUEST 5: Get bendy

Keep doing my stretches 5/week
Get into front splits
Get into shoulder stand

 

QUEST 6: Get strong

Lift heavy things, work up to 50% of BW

 

QUEST 7: Get dizzy

Practice first rite of the Five Tibetan Rites (don’t judge!)
Learn how to do twirls in ballroom dancing without getting dizzy
Do Zumba

 

QUEST 8: Go on adventures

Sprints once a week for a month
Go on a hike

QUEST 9: Ice, ice baby (have an ice bath in 2022)

Do a 30-day cold shower challenge again

 

QUEST 10: Look at it from a different perspective: get into handstand

(locked)

(need: wrist recovery)

Look up progressions.
For example: (https://www.yogiapproved.com/yoga/poses-to-master-before-attempting-handstand/)
Standing forward fold
Boat pose
Shoulder integration
Plank pose (against a wall)
L-shape handstand

 

QUEST 11: Do 1 pullup/1 chinup

(locked)

(needed: strong enough door/pullup bar, pullup progressions)

(Figure out the different names again)
Revisit Starpuck’s pullupbarless pullup progression plan
 

More about the character:

 

STATS

 

SKILLS

 

BADGES

 

 

[Renate]

[Placeholder 2]

 

Reading challenge for 2021:

 

Add to still to do:

*figure out stats system

*smartify fulfilling quests and/or levelling

*add life goals and idem ditto

* fill out rest of headings, e.g. badges + write descriptions.

* someone else had what I was also searching a solution for, and thinking badges could offer an alternative but they actually figured it out. Need to reread description of their badge system and see how to apply it to my char.

*journal about word of the year. It's not about adventuring, though I would like to do more of that too. It's about ALLOWING myself to experiment in life & not taking on responsibility that is not mine to take.

[Renate]

[Placeholder 3]

[Renate]

On 12/27/2020 at 2:06 AM, Athenα said:

After doing the challenge wrap-up, and end of the year review, it got too late but I still wanted to make this thread in case I somehow get to posting my next challenge thread before I write out my battle log.   (I kind of use my battle log as a way to connect the dots between my challenges.)

 

Oh, how well I know myself:

 

 

[Renate]

Alright, so, that was a pretty successful challenge all things considered:

 

I learnt some about what my body needs nutritionally (simply by noticing changes in energy, and how I fell asleep etc.)

I learnt that, WHEN I APPLY a craving protocol, it works. Moreover, by writing reflections at the end of the day, I started being more mindful about it. By being more mindful about my cravings and food, I felt less resistence to not go for snacks. And there was a spill-over effect to my resistance against making myself do stuff in general, against procrastination.

I stretched, I did some mobility training, then I focused on making my new upper body fysio exercises a habit.

I learnt a little about how the brain functions & how that relates to experiences I have had in life

 

I almost made a challenge again but I have been wanting to try and simply post daily updates in my battle log as I try maintaining the above and:

 

• Finish with cold showers the next 3 weeks whenever I shower, then do a 20 day (every day) cold shower challenge.
  • Have been wanting to do one for a while because I remember feeling lots of benefits when I first did it but I kept being sniffly and did not want to risk it in these times. Fragile ears and throat :')
• (work up to) a strength training routine (as recommended by the fysio so I cannot postpone anymore  )
  • Do the daily dares.
  • And attempt to get into crow pose.
• switch between walking and mobility training on off days (decide which flexy goal to focus on this time around, because doing all 10 benchmarks became too much when I skipped a day or 2-3)

[Renate]

Week 0, starting Monday

 

End in cold shower:

 

(Because I remember it was good for my blood flow, scalp, and mood.)

 

⏭8 feb

✅9 feb 15 sec

⏭ 10 feb no shower

 

Yoga (no crow pose, goal is to see if I can inspire digestive system to have a more steady schedule 🤔 So like the flip side of learning how to fuel my body, how to keep the engine running smoothly 🙃

 

+ hip openers!) :

 

✅ 8 feb: digestion (yoga with kassandra)

✅9 feb: digestion free flow based on above

✅10 feb: digestion (sarahbethyoga)

✅11 feb: digestion (yoga with adrienne)

 

(Upper body Fysio +) Crow pose (attempts, as a levelling up for handstands) :

❌

❌

❌

 

Walking/mobility training:

❌

❌

✅walking

 

Flexy goals:

First make a plan.

❌

❌

❌

 

Daily dares:

❌

❌

❌

 

Strength training:

First make a plan.

❌

❌

❌

 

Notes

8 Feb.: Okay this might be a lot but we'll see...

 

Week 1

 

Week 2

 

 

[Renate]

 

The (pop) classical music enthusiast are really going at it. ;D 

[Renate]

😐

There are so many things that I want to do this morning movement wise.

 

Let's just do my warm-up routine, and my upper body fysio amd start the day.

 

EDIT: also did one set of the lower body fysio yay!

 

[Mad Hatter]

Ohh I didn't know you are hiding here! 

 

No challenge this time?

[Renate]

22 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Ohh I didn't know you are hiding here! 

 

Hey hey!

 

Quote

No challenge this time?

 

It's why I retreated to the battle log! I feel a bit like *everything* is either important or something I really, really want to do yet cannot figure out at what time of the day to do ANY of it consistently...

 

Evenings I am tired, or they are for hair washing, or for doing some family admin things we usually cannot get done during the day.

 

Lunch time usually I lunch super slow (procrastination or distractions) and/or spend time for family.

 

In the mornings well. I need to go to bed on time to do stuff in the mornings Which I happened to do last night. (The right circumstances + I experimented with taking 1 tablet of 0,3 mg of melatonine. Online it says it is best to consult your doctor/GP but I think I know what they will tell me.

 

Sleep hygene first (check), take it at set times (check, I have a daily reminder set up), try small and build up if needed and try not to rely on it (will do, I plan a pause from it in a month). 

 

I will probably also stop needing it in a month since the sunrise will be around 7 AM then... And I wake up feeling much more rested in general when the sunrise is earlier + more sun in general

 

[Mad Hatter]

5 minutes ago, Athena said:

It's why I retreated to the battle log! I feel a bit like *everything* is either important or something I really, really want to do yet cannot figure out at what time of the day to do ANY of it consistently...

Fair enough, as long as you're still here somewhere. 😊

 

Sleep is awesome. Just keep in mind that melatonin is only good for falling asleep, but doesn't improve quality or length of sleep.

 

8 minutes ago, Athena said:

And I wake up feeling much more rested in general when the sunrise is earlier + more sun in general

It's sooooo much nicer! The sun rises at 8 now and it's sunny and it's making a huge difference! Compared to December when I kept waking up at 10. 😮

[Renate]

3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Just keep in mind that melatonin is only good for falling asleep, but doesn't improve quality or length of sleep.

 

I knew this when I got it, and when I took it, yet this morning I looked at whether I had gotten more deep sleep than usual  Damn wishful thinking. 

 

When I have a more regular schedule again. + solidify an exercise habit again, I am sure it will improve.

 

This morning I did my first strength workout in ages!  1 circuit of the KB workout (with. 1of my 2 5 kg KBs)  Very happy.  Starting real simple and easy so I have tons of room to improve. (I wrote out a whole progression after the workout. Was fun thinking about it.)

 

Also, I thought about how much time it all took until I did it. And thought of an alternative for "those type of days" when either time/energy/motivation is little: just some squats or KB halos.

 

Oh, and. Idid 2 attempts at crow pose (after warming up my wrists)! (As a reward for... doing my upper body fysio exercises once yesterday after over a week of not doing them  I felt a lot better & found that knowing AND applying tactics deserves. alevel up... towards my handstand journey... Even though during the attempt I still felt that pressure inthe web between thumb and index finger and tenderness around my wrist. Hopefully remembering to do the fysio more often in combination with the strength training will help me progress  

 

But I couldn't not-start with crow pose attempts. I am sure the reason I stopped doing my fysio is because I was getting bored. I had made an appointment with the fysio therapist for tomorrow as accountability and it did nothing for me, unlike the first 2 times around... (I called off the appointment . Last time she said, since there is no pain right now it's a matter of applying the exercises I gave you and adding a strength training routine.)  So we'll make an appointment but call it off if you feel OK because you might need the appt insurance later in the year.)

[Mad Hatter]

1 hour ago, Athena said:

This morning I did my first strength workout in ages!

Hell yeah!!! And yay for crow pose! It’s a lot of weight to take compared to physio exercises (she should really help with the ramping up IMO) so I’m not surprised there’s tenderness, but if it’s not painful that’s awesome progress.

[Renate]

5 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Hell yeah!!! And yay for crow pose! It’s a lot of weight to take compared to physio exercises (she should really help with the ramping up IMO) so I’m not surprised there’s tenderness, but if it’s not painful that’s awesome progress.

 

Yeah, I repeated multiple times the pain was TERRIBLE in July and that the general-moving-and-existing pain stopped after self-prescribing YT exercises 

 

but that it was still tender and that I really liked BW exercises. So I expected more of a program.

 

I also asked if dhe recommended specific (strength) exercises.

 

I think she found the time used on my relatively unnecessary in corona time and not having excruciating desk job pains... (But that is me reading in a lot, haha, she was not impatient or anything.)

 

Oh yeah, for the record, the fysio exercises she gave me place no real pressure on the wrists. The most is me pulling on them and leaning on a desk/table. She only recommended if I want to get to pushups I do the style of progression I usually do  instead of kneepushups,

 

and I told her thats what I usually do but once on the ground it still hurts. And she did not recommend alternative progress stuff 🤔

 

So if you have any recommendations...

[Mad Hatter]

Sorry no recommendations, except for go slowly and add load progressively. 🤷‍♀️ Even though I said the physio should help guide your return to strength training/handstands, very few actually do in my experience. They tend only focus on reducing pain and, as you pointed out, being able to work... 

 

When you go from incline push ups to floor push ups, do you change the wrist position at all? I wonder if it's a question of too much load, or if the wrist angle changes. If it's the former maybe spending time doing quadrupedal motion GMB style could be a good option to build handstand strength without loading the wrists too much. If it's the latter maybe working on incline blocks could help? Just throwing stuff out there, I really don't know what the best approach would be.

 

But I am super happy that it's not terribly painful anymore! That's awesome progress.

[Scaly Freak]

9 hours ago, Athena said:

This morning I did my first strength workout in ages!  1 circuit of the KB workout (with. 1of my 2 5 kg KBs)  Very happy.  Starting real simple and easy so I have tons of room to improve. (I wrote out a whole progression after the workout. Was fun thinking about it.)

 

Outstanding and excellent. Your inner Warrior tendencies are flourishing at last...!

 

Now that I have managed top find your thread, I will make it my mission to post random strength training comments whenever I feel like it.  I will start by applauding the wisdom in deciding on an alternative for low-energy days before those days actually happen.

[Renate]

12 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

When you go from incline push ups to floor push ups, do you change the wrist position at all?

 

Thanks for brainstorming with me I will pay attention to this next time!

 

12 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I wonder if it's a question of too much load, or if the wrist angle changes. 

 

Well, the absolute first time I made it to full pushups, I was 10 or a little over 10 kg lighter. Though the fysio said it might also be the lifestyle change: I was a HS student then. Not constantly behind a laptop for nearly all work.

 

12 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

But I am super happy that it's not terribly painful anymore! That's awesome progress.

 

😊

 

11 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

Outstanding and excellent. Your inner Warrior tendencies are flourishing at last...!

 

I did think this when I was almost finished 🤓 Then told myself meme style: done one strength circuit, already calls herself a warrior multi-classer 😂 

 

No I know it does not matter where you start if I would want to join It is the pick up heavy things and profit mentality 😎

 

11 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Now that I have managed top find your thread, I will make it my mission to post random strength training comments whenever I feel like it.  I will start by applauding the wisdom in deciding on an alternative for low-energy days before those days actually happen.

 

Ohhh, yes, do so  

 

 

Thank you, thank you

 

PS 

I also found this gif which is delightful

 

[Renate]

This morning I also rediscovered my joy in yoga type movement. (Doing yoga and strength on alternative days, with one day for a walk or stationary bike in case of bad weather. Trying this schedule on for size.)

 

I have basically been switching between short vids for digestion and putting some flowy music on and doing my thing. Today was especially flowy, with doing parts od my morning warmup between 5 sun salutations.

 

 

 

 

The other day I found a yogi that reminded me of something @darkfoxx said and the universal lovely reaction I got when I mentioned I eat meat while a druid 

 

http://www.erinmotz.com/about/

 

Okaaay time to start my day.

[Scaly Freak]

6 hours ago, Athena said:

I did think this when I was almost finished 🤓 Then told myself meme style: done one strength circuit, already calls herself a warrior multi-classer 😂 

 

...and why not? 

[Renate]

5 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

...and why not? 

 

Because I have conditioned myself to gatekeep myself from titles and things before anyone else does, even when it comes to little unofficial things, as to avoid the feeling of rejection 🤣 It's the "best pupil of the class" syndrome, except I never was all uppity about it. 

 

Working on changing that because life is not as fun this way, and I am also denying people the ability to witness me and missing out on opportunities of meeting people who appreciate me even if I do not meet my own criteria of when I get to "play with".

 

My critical part says (unrelated to NF classes): "Ah but then you are bringing down the average quality/strength of the group! Maybe you will allow other people who just want to be subpar but freeride on the reputation of the group to feel comfortable enough to join!"

 

And I say to that part of me: whatever you say, party pooper. Stop thinking about the big picture and moving parts in this self-depreciating way and how you will INEVITABLY be a detriment to it. Enjoy life. 

[Scaly Freak]

28 minutes ago, Athena said:

And I say to that part of me: whatever you say, party pooper. Stop thinking about the big picture and moving parts in this self-depreciating way and how you will INEVITABLY be a detriment to it. Enjoy life. 

 

Well said. This is the voice you should be listening to.

[Renate]

Can I please go hide under a rock somewhere? 

 

I have succesfully been watching this thought pass by me like a cloud but Idk how well I will be able to do this in the next days.

 

Spoiler

 

So, I made some mistakes last week. Some obvious (formal stuff, like writing out numbers in words which is a rule for the type of documents I am drafting in general)

 

and some bigger less obvious, for me.

 

And this morning I was told that the models are not exciting, and that we should go through the model together so I knew what the firm usually does.

 

And I know they are basic, but I am not very good at simply checking boxes. I need to know why, in general,

 

otherwise I do not remember (if I don't write down the specific cases),

 

and even more: I had no notes on what to do with the specific case,

 

and for one thing I had apparently unchecked smth that should have been checked.

 

No biggie, I did not send it out to anyone. BUT I am annoyed I did not do it right. I tried checking it on my own online but I could not find literature. And the people I could ask, at the point I concluded I could not find an answer on my own, were not at work.

 

They could have expected this though, my reasonable defending side says. I *told* them I found this legal material a lot less obvious in general but that I was willing to learn. If I am doing this for clients, to help them out,

 

but I only get that satisfaction apparently if I am actually doing research and getting the knowledge and THEN drafting the doc.

 

Not like now simply checking boxes according to " what the firm does in standard cases".

 

So I kept getting distracted during the Wednesdays I worked the last 2 weeks and trying to entertain myself by actually GETTING what is written in the doc but I couldn't. Like I said, I could not find literature.

 

Today I had a lot more often. I did some research on a complex set of facts. Still not in my preferred legal subjects/expertise, but it was a looot more stimulating. Towards the end of the day I did not hear when someone told me goodbye until after the 3rd time.

 

I did not have definite conclusions/solutions, but I was completely engaged.

 

So now I am thinking:is this job for me?

 

or is it a problem of me rebelling against starting simple?

 

BUT SIMPLE isn't just checking boxes! I am not learning anything from checking boxes! 

 

Even when I read it. If I don't get it I don't remember the text.

 

ugh. What to do.

 

I know what to do. Chill, and let the experience gather up.

 

Assume goodwill. Do my best.

 

I have got to start somewhere.

 

[Mad Hatter]

20 hours ago, Athena said:

And I say to that part of me: whatever you say, party pooper. Stop thinking about the big picture and moving parts in this self-depreciating way and how you will INEVITABLY be a detriment to it. Enjoy life. 

True dat. 

 

Another argument is that there's reason to believe that starting by changing your identity is a good way to form habit. If you believe you're a badass warrior multi-classer you're a lot more likely to act accordingly and thus become one.

 

37 minutes ago, Athena said:

Can I please go hide under a rock somewhere? 

If it helps you may. But only for 15 minutes. And bring a cup of tea or hot chocolate to make you feel better.

 

Some thoughts:

 

1. Of course you're going to be making mistakes! You're in a new position, in a new company, in a new field. It's ok. If they disagree with this, or shout at you, or make your life miserable in some way you have to speak up.

2. I think it's too soon to jump to conclusion on whether the job suits you or not, you've only been there a few times. However, if you find that they keep giving you check lists instead of progressively more challenging tasks, you have to speak up.

3. All jobs are going to suck some time or other. It doesn't matter what you do. Maybe this one has too much suck and not enough fun, time will tell. But it will still be a good learning opportunity. You might find out you don't like the job, or the working environment. Or you might learn that your colleague does something really interesting and you can go and talk to them and see if you can do more of that instead. Or maybe you'll discover that law practice is less interesting to you than the law itself and you'd prefer a more academic path.

4. I don't think you can be picky about your tasks just yet, and it doesn't even make sense to be since you don't have experience with them, yet. But you can and should be 100% picky about how they treat you. If they treat you like a minion, speak up. And tell them what you find interesting and ask if there are opportunities to learn those things. 

5. Consider what exactly you are trying to learn. Are you wanting to use this job to do more research, or are you really trying to learn how law works in real life? I know nothing about law, but it could be that in real life there simply are a lot more checkboxes and lists and that's something you will have to learn to deal with (and understand that they're a time/butt saving aid). But on the flip side there are also real clients involved which perhaps will compensate for the more mundane parts. You will only know by trying.

 

What I'd try and do in your shoes is to milk this opportunity for what it's worth. Learn as much as you can, not just from your own tasks but from other people. Take note of what you like and dislike and what you'd like to learn or do more of, both related to tasks and subject matter and also the work environment. When you make mistakes (real ones, not the ones you make up in your head) own up to it and try to find ways of not repeating the same ones in the future. And maybe most importantly - if you can - become friendly with your colleagues, they'll be much quicker to forgive you, to recommend you to others for your next job and for remembering the things you are good at (delving deep for example) instead of the things you find more difficult.

 

It takes time to find your niche (ask me how I know haha) so I wouldn't worry too much just yet. And remember that you're awesome.

[Scaly Freak]

Wise Hatter is wise. All of your post rings true.

 

I would add one small comment: Impostor Syndrome is a brutal enemy that preys on the young and on new hires. Most of the time she disguises herself as doubt about the job, your ability to do the job, and whether this is what you want to do for the rest of your life.

 

With regards to the first two:  Any workplace worth being in, will make allowances for the learning curve every newcomer has to go through, and will be happy to help you out, answer questions, and do their best to smooth the transition for you. That used to be the majority of my job, and  I can tell you from years of doing it that asking questions and and asking for help are good things. It shows you are actively trying to learn, and that you understand that you need to learn. Workplaces who don't agree with this are workplaces I would be very reluctant to be a part of... 

 

As for whether you want to do this for the rest of your life, there is no rule that says you have to decide that now. The next time Impostor Syndrome tries to bring out that attack, flip her off and go back to work  

 

 

[Renate]

Thank you both 😊

 

I discussed it with mom and she gave some strength to my own voice of reason that was having trouble breaking through all my self-doubt and rebellion:

 

Spoiler

 

I AM learning from the checkboxes. I am learning how the software works, what to watch out for when drafting based on models, general admin and dossier work,

 

and the jargon used in the docs vs. the academic stuff.

 

I spent most of the first day figuring it out SORT OF. It is still not second nature. It is a matter of practice, which I need.

 

And it is also absolutely invaluable if I ever want to have my own practice to know what struggles a legal employee preparing such documents faces. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You know, when I was shouting those rebellious remarks and writing them out I was conciously doing that to aim my insecurities away from my own self-worth.

 

Because in such situations I would usually go the route of concluding I am absolutely useless if I cannot get myself to do these things right away, so I managed damage by deflecting those thoughts right away and going for the "you know what, this JOB might simply not be for me! I am good at many things!"

 

But the voice of reason is I simply do not have enough experience to conclude that, either. 

 

And what you wrote out was very, very useful , dear friends. Since, although it was a deflection strategy, it worked really well because part of me did/does really think it. It all came out very easily and feels authentic

 

 So thank you.  Very much.

 

And eff off, Imposter Syndrome!

 

The people that took on the task of educating me and the other 2 new employees are not unreasonable btw. Nobody shouted, and as often as I repeated that "not exciting" line in my head, it did not sound accusing or snarky.

 

The person who said that was just observing and immediately offered a solution: to go through the model with me. And when I said it is not perfect how I am working on a day I cannot ask my questions easily, we immediately looked at out schedules and if there is a free desk on another day. 

 

And the other person (with whom I share a room) is happy I am not scared off by a complex case and am happily nerding out with her, and brainstorming, however "well" I remember the study material or not. 👍 As far as I can tell.

 

So I will get both. There will be a balance. 

 

Also, I was armed with my level 1 compertamentalisation skill today. 

 

It was the perfect opportunity to practice it today.  The paper with my insecurities on it somehow kept slipping out of its drawer "insecurities to deal with in my private time" as I was trying to just focus on learning, but I still did quite well for my doing. Going to level it up soon! I worked on it during my train ride. And during my evening play time with sis. (I did not zone out as much as I might have in the past after a self -perceived huge blooper.)

 

And also, again, all the things you wrote out. I will take those points and advice with me. 

 

And keep my eyes open for how I am being treated, despite my good impressions so far!

 

This year I really want to (1)allow myself to experiment and (2)  to learn how to only take responsibilities for the things that are within my circle of influence.

 

And how to balance that, to learn how to stand up for myself or when not needed, also not to self-depreciate and put things on me that nobody is even asking me to.