Teros Year Challenge (68)

[Rookie]

Congrats on getting to write the exam! 6 months?? For 1 question lol that's crazyyyy. 

 

Also those are some snazzy new shorts. Your posts make me want to pick up heavy things and put them down again.

[Salinger]

Have a brill weekend Teros ❤️ xx

[Bean Sidhe]

On 1/7/2021 at 9:23 AM, Teros said:

Do you mean like you can't think, because I totally get this mental sluggish feeling, too.

Coming in way late after this was replied to.

Stupid sugars are the sugars that will make me a bit cranky and weird a bit after I have them, but also those things you eat and then wonder later "Why did I do that again? That was so stupid." because you regret them.

[T2sarahconnor]

So many memories!  Glad to see you are still on here.  Hope you can forgive a friend who has been absent but ready to catch up.  So proud of you with your goals this time around.

[Teros]

On 1/14/2021 at 4:30 PM, Sciread77 said:

They’re magic goats. As long as he keeps their bones they’re immortal.  And they pull his chariot. War goats. 

 

That's pretty awesome. I've seen pics but for some reason I never thought about it.

 

On 1/15/2021 at 10:04 AM, RhiaWolfe said:

Yeah, the detox is really rough. Thank you for sharing your strats with me. I may take some of these and add them to my own. 

 

Also, extra bonus points for the gift of Markiplier playing Five Nights At Freddy's!!!! ❤️ 

 

 

On 1/15/2021 at 10:43 AM, Athena said:

Thank you for writing it out  I have similar reactions usually with the pacing and antsiness. Fortunately, this is my 5th day without sugary stuff and for the very first time in life, I am not having those. But I also have been having a super simple life phase these past few months. We will see when responsibilities really start adding on.

 

It's finally taking hold for me, thank god.  And congrats

 

On 1/16/2021 at 8:37 AM, DarK_RaideR said:

Ah, I got that game to review for this week! I know the basic premise and I'm gonna play it, obviously, but I'd be interested in hearing people's experiences playing it and hopefully incorporate something to spice up my article. Shoot me a DM anyone willing to help, so we don't hijack this thread. Thanks

 

I've watched 4 or 5 people play the game and what I noticed is that the higher the level, the more automatic and muscle-memory checking things have to be.  Once you memorize the pattern of what to check and how often, you are basically just flicking through screens for a second or two for a few frantic minutes.

 

On 1/16/2021 at 8:53 AM, Rookie said:

Congrats on getting to write the exam! 6 months?? For 1 question lol that's crazyyyy. 

 

Also those are some snazzy new shorts. Your posts make me want to pick up heavy things and put them down again.

 

 It was 4 questions but I emailed the ASWB and then they took a couple wees to respond and say to ask a diff person.  So then I asked another person and waited a couple weeks and then they told me that it wasn't their department.  Then had to email a third person and a couple weeks later was told to contact 1 more person.  When I emailed the final person, they didn't respond for a few weeks so I emailed them again.  A couple weeks after THAT is when I finally got a response from someone else and when I looked at the Forwarding, it was bounced around their office  because apparently the official agency that is in charge of this AND the government both had no fucking idea about it.  Really instills confidence, doesn't it?

 

On 1/16/2021 at 12:13 PM, Salinger said:

Have a brill weekend Teros ❤️data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAPABAP///wAAACH5BAEKAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAICRAEAOw== xx

 

Thankee I think I did and I hope you do/did too ❤️

 

On 1/20/2021 at 6:46 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

Stupid sugars are the sugars that will make me a bit cranky and weird a bit after I have them, but also those things you eat and then wonder later "Why did I do that again? That was so stupid." because you regret them.

 

Oooh ok.  That's pretty much all sugars for me then lol

 

22 hours ago, T2sarahconnor said:

So many memories!  Glad to see you are still on here.  Hope you can forgive a friend who has been absent but ready to catch up.  So proud of you with your goals this time around.

 

 

---

 

 

 I've been doing things for my challenge but adding the points is a pain in the ass.  I was figuring I was going to edit the pic every time I did something but I would be uploading constantly so I think I'm going to keep a tally for now and then add the points/pic change at the start/end of each challenge.  I think that will work.

 

 

I've been writing in my journal more and I let out everything that has been bothering me.  I realized that part of the reason I keep fucking up with eating junk at night isn't only because of the cravings themselves, but because of what happened to my sister.

 

I live alone here.  Back in November when my sister almost died, the only reason she didn't was because her hubby was sleeping next to her and woke up and called an ambulance.  Her sugar dropped super low while she was asleep and then when her blood sugar was about 40, she started this horrible wailing while her brain was shutting down which woke her hubby up.  I figured I would enjoy the rest of the holiday season and Jan 1st, start a year-long challenge to get my shit together because if I stuck with it for a solid block instead of sabotaging myself and having reasons for doing this crap, I would be at goal.

 

Since Jan 1st and this challenge, I've been struggling more than normal.  It would be handfuls of candy at a time, sometime multiple handfuls right before I went to bed.  And then I realized what I was doing: I'm subconsciously terrified of dying like my sister almost did so I'm pumping myself full of sugar right before bed so that way I'll have a high enough blood sugar to last through the night.

 

Now, obviously, this is dumb and unhealthy and hindsight is 20/20.  I didn't really *see* that I was doing this until very recently but now that I'm aware of it, I've changed what I eat and when.  I have the rx bars and a bunch of black grapes which are crazy high in natural sugar so when I feel antsy and have that feeling of, 'if i don't eat this now I'll die at night', I instead have these grapes /rx bar.  I don't care how many of these things I need to eat, I'm not going back to junk food.  I'll eventually get sick of them and things will level off.  I've noticed this happening just the past couple days so I think I finally broke the cycle.

 

--

 

And now for the Exam drama.

 

Alright, there are two things that need to happen before I can take the exam:

1) Send a copy of my school transcripts to the ASWB

2) Mail a check and my application to the ASWB

 

School just got back from winter break on Tuesday so my plan was to get that done.  Months prior, I had emailed with someone from records and they emailed me a link for a form to print out and fill out.  This was an official request for transcripts form and there was a $$$ charge for it.  Ok fine.  Now fast-forward to this week when I have the request printed and filled out, as well as a blank check to write out the $$$ charge.

 

I get to school and the campus is huge but after some driving around and asking 2 ppl for directions, I get to 'Records' building.  I go up to the door and try to open it.  Locked.  I knock.  I look inside and it's dark.  But I look at the sign on the door that says 'Transcripts' are for the side-door down at the end of the hill.  Fine.  I go over there and I grab the door and yank. A horrible metal screeching noise comes out and the door budges a little bit.  Ugh.  I yank it again even harder and the metal door scraped really loud.  I walk in and there are three terrified woman looking at me.

 

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?  HOW DID YOU GET IN!?"

 

Me, obviously a vandal: "Uh...I opened the door?  I need to get a copy of my transcripts."

 

"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED IN HERE!"

 

Me, obviously not leaving: "Well I needed transcripts and I was told I was supposed to come here so....?"

 

The Asian (there's a reason I mention this) woman walks up to me and seems to calm down because I'm, you know, coming to the building to do the thing that the building is supposed to be in charge for.

 

I show her the transcript paper that I was told I was supposed to fill out.  She looks at it and says, "This is the wrong form.  You want form A!" and points to the wall which has all sorts of folders.  I fill out the new form and then ask, "Ok so what is the fee for the transcripts?" and I'm told, "There's no fee for that."  Ok.... well....someone from the transcripts office told me that but whatever.

 

I go home and I'm going to head out a few hours later.  I grab my phone, keys, and wah.... wait, where's my wallet?

 

 

 

I call the transcript office and it's an answering machine but it's like 8pm so I wasn't figuring they would answer.  I end up calling campus police and talk to Jeff.  He tells me that they are all locked up but he has eyes on all the cameras and there may be some janitors that go to that building so he will let them know.

 

I then have to call my bank and I talk to a very super obviously "American" on the phone who 'thank-you-very-much's me approximately 85 times.  After waiting for a while, he asks me questions about my account like, "What date did I open the account?"

 

I have no idea.  I've had this account for well over a decade.  Then I'm asked, "What building did you open the account?"  Again, this was 10+ years ago.  I have no fucking clue what building in this state I opened the account at.  Then I'm asked, "What was the exact amount of money you put into your account last?"  *sigh* the last paycheck I just gave to the bank teller so I don't know that answer, either.

 

I'm put on hold and then told that the card is frozen and I can call back to unfreeze it.  Ok phew.  I also get a stop-payment on the blank check that was in there.

 

I check my email and that transcript email I read from months ago? Not trying to stereotype, but it was an Asian name.  What are the odds that I dealt with the same exact woman from that department of 5 people that told me the wrong fucking information when I got there?

 

I get a call back from Jeffy-Boi and he lets me know that no janitors are cleaning that building tonight so I should call that building tomorrow at 8:30am-ish to find out about the wallet.

 

 

 8:30 rolls in and I call.  Answering machine.  Again.  I then email the department and let them know about the wallet.

 

*Hours later*

 

I check my email and I see two messages:  one says, "You did not leave your wallet here"    and then a reply to that about 4 hours later of, "We found your wallet.  You can come after 2pm."

 

*phew*  I check the time and decide I'm gonna call and ask them if they gave it to a lost-and-found or the campus police (since Jeff said he *should* have gotten the wallet last night).  Answering machine again.  I email back asking the same thing and then hop in the shower.  I'm ready to head out and no response via phone or email so I leave (it's now 4pm).  The college's website says that records office is open until 7pm for the first two weeks of each term.  Since school is back THIS WEEK that means I have plenty of time, right?

 

Right?

 

RIGHT?

 

I decide that this is anti-hunger games, and the odds are never in my favor when dealing with this horseshit regarding this school and exam so I call the police again.  I have a nice chat with Jeff again who just started his shift and said that he was going to contact the office and get back to me.  I start driving regardless.  While in the car, Jeff tells me he tried contacting them several times and no one answered.  Great.

 

I get there at 4:21 and head to the metal screeching door that I may or may not have broken when I was trying to open it yesterday.  Door's locked.  I do that binoculars thing to look into the window and I see a faint light and someone at a desk.  I knock on the door and look.  Nothing.  I knock again.  *deep breaths. deep breaths*  I start punching the window and a squirrely little dude comes up to the door.  I say, "Hey I was told you have my wallet?"  The guy waves me away as I was about to enter the building and heads into a side room and comes back with the wallet.  I ask him where it was and he says, "My colleges said that it was on the desk".

 

The desk.

 

The literal desk right in front of them.  That after two hours of working there, sent me an email saying it WASN'T right there the first time. What-fucking-ever.  I grab my wallet and call the bank again.  I'm asked the same exact questions that I don't know the answers to and I'm 'thank-you-very-much'ed almost to death every 5 seconds and my card is now activated and I think things are back to normal.  I'm going to buy a pack of gum at a market real quick today just to double check.

 

What a fucking headache.  There's something else I wanted to talk about but this is already unreadable levels of length so I'll stop it here.  Later all

❤️

Teros

[Rookie]

Wow what a rollercoaster. So wait did you end up getting your transcript after all that? I hope you don't have to deal with them ever again. I know personally I'd be like nope I don't need this that badly....... But obviously you do

[T2sarahconnor]

9 hours ago, Teros said:

I decide that this is anti-hunger games, and the odds are never in my favor

This made me laugh out loud.  Sorry but it is funny.  I miss your rants.

[Bean Sidhe]

At least you got the wallet back. I know some places where that wouldn't happen, and they would blame the students (even if it wasn't the students). Hopefully the cards all worked.
 

BTW, the Anti Hunger games sounds about right. And the odds are never in my favor either.

[RhiaWolfe]

Oh man... what a ride... That sounds hella stressful and they sound really incompetent! I'm glad you finally got that resolved. 

[Teros]

On 1/23/2021 at 8:03 PM, Rookie said:

So wait did you end up getting your transcript after all that?

*supposedly* it will be sent out.  Only time will tell.

 

On 1/23/2021 at 9:06 PM, T2sarahconnor said:

 I miss your rants.

 

There's less these days to rant about, but this exam drama is fucking ridiculous.

 

On 1/24/2021 at 9:28 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

BTW, the Anti Hunger games sounds about right. And the odds are never in my favor either.

-----------

 

So Sunday I might be ending things with my lady-friend.  I need to have a talk with her and this will either 1) Fix things for good or 2) End things.  I'm not sure which it is going to be.

 

I'm tired of being around an enabler.  I'm sick of having to give a shit about someone's mental/physical health: moreso than she even cares.  I'm angry for not feeling cared about and valued.  Sick of feeling unloved.  Overall, I'm tired of being tired of this bullshit.  The issues are all revolved around a lack of giving a fuck: she admitted to not having purpose; her lack of caring about her living in garbage, lack of taking care of herself in regards to eating right, smoking, and exercising, her lack of opening up and expressing herself and saying what she feels and wants and needs.  All of it combined makes me feel like this is just some *person* that I'm around, rather than a relationship.  Over the years, I've grown to love and care about her and I can see the potential that she has:  she's smart, beautiful, physically strong, has a really well-paying job; but none of those things mean jack shit if in 5 years she's going to be 400 pounds and dead of a heart attack.  She used to be in the coast guard.  Used to do theater.  Went to school over in Europe and explored.  I guess I just....I wish I new the old her rather than be stuck with the current version of her.  I don't know what the fuck happened in her life.  It's not like she ever opens up and talks to me.  I need someone who is a big cuddly teddy bear.  I need intimacy and snuggles, as well as someone who is ambitious and working on being their best self.  I don't get that from her.  I've, never in my life, truly found someone that felt *comfortable* to me.  I'm sorry if I'm rambling - I'm just having a really hard time trying to face the fact that I might be alone in a couple days...

 

Last week, I sealed myself off from my sister's place and I wrote a massive message to JJ about how I felt.  I brought up my life history, how I have a purpose, and that it wasn't being fulfilled.  I brought up *our* issues: that *we* need to work on physical health because I don't want one of us dying of a heart attack and diabetes.  I mentioned how things felt distant and I didn't want to be desperate for affection/attention.

 

Ultimately, I want someone who loves themself.  I want someone who gives a fuck about their life and isn't saying, "Idk, ok, sure" to literally everything.  That's not a partner: that's a dog.  A dog is happy to be around and doesn't understand what's going on.  I want someone with values, drive, and who is bettering themself.  I say, "what do you want for dinner?" because I genuinely value the opinion and want to know.  But every. single. time. it's 'idk what do you want?' followed by a 'sure' to anything I suggest.  It's like talking to a wall.  Emotionally it isn't any better.  I open up who I am and I'm vulnerable yet I rarely get the same sort of feeling in return.  It comes across like I'm bitching about things all the time when that's not the case: I'm expressing how I feel and I want to hear what others think/feel as well.  I don't know how to get across the fact that I give a shit, and maybe I'm the first person in their life who has done so. I don't want to feel like someone is agreeing with me just to shut me up, because that's definitely how it feels.  I'm at a point now, where I have to take care of myself and kowtowing to another's indifference is enabling and making me a worse person- not a better person.

 

And the problem with all of this is at some point, I start doubting it all and think, "is it just me?  is there something wrong with me where I can't find a single person who has their head on straight?  Am I being unreasonable for wanting to be with a person who loves themself and cares about their physical and mental health?  Am I a fucking moron for trying to even find love with another person?"

 

I get all these doubts and feel like a bundle of frayed nerves. I start thinking that I'm going to die alone and filled with regrets.  That I'm never going to find anyone that I can share a life with.  That my standards are totally unreasonable somehow.  When I go on a dating site and I see women who are telling me what a 'catch' I am, how 'special' I am, that are baffled that I'm 'not taken', and call me a 'breath of fresh air' in the dating community and who send me volumes of messages, I end up getting angry at them because I know in 2 or 3 months, they'll be abandoning me all over again.  I'm sick of being told that I'm great, only to be with people that are mediocre at best because I accept their faults and who end up throwing me away.  It's all a game.  A joke.  Some sort of cosmic 'fuck you' to me for me doing something terrible in a past life.  I'm angry.  Irritated.  Bitter.  Jaded.  Frustrated.  Why is the concept of loving yourself and valuing yourself and being your best self such an impossible thing to find for me?  Apparently other people on NF have found a partner.  Plenty of people on dating sites have found people.  Why am I alone? Why am I left in the dust?  Why am I not allowed to have happiness in a growing and evolving relationship?  What am I doing *wrong*?  What is wrong with me?

 

With this exam finally having some traction, within a couple months I should be certified and doing a job that is fulfilling and making 3x what I make now.  After staying away from my sister's side of the house and not seeing JJ for over a week, I lost 6 pounds and physically feel better (I even got a solid 7 hours of sleep, unbroken.  Which is a miracle.)  The whole30 eating has finally stuck and if I keep with it, within about a year I should be close to my goal.  I'm emotionally aware.  I'm kind, caring, considerate.  I'm strong physically and mentally.  I'm artistic and passionate.  I'm not a cocky asshole: I'm confident with who I am and capable at what I say I can do.  What am I missing from my life that would deter every sensible woman who has her shit together in a 100 mile radius from being with me?  Why do I attract the woman in her mid 30s who is going through a rough divorce, who has two kids, who lives in a slum, who is overweight, who is doing a minimum wage job, who has trauma and a boatload of emotional baggage, who doesn't take care of herself, who can barely take care of her two kids and who hates herself etc - why is *THAT* what I'm attracting for fuck's sake.  And don't get me wrong, I'm not being judgemental and any individual one of those things is fine to deal with, but literally all of them?  I'm not looking for genius billionaire model - I just want someone who is equal.  I have a physical hobby. They have a physical hobby.  I have art.  They have art.  I can express feelings.  They can express feelings.  At any point, I'm not expecting anything above what I currently can deliver in spades.  I'm not a model- I'm not expecting a model.  I'm not brilliant mensa member but I'm pretty smart - I'm expecting some deep philosophical debates.  Etc.

 

When it comes to love and relationships in general (this even includes friendships) I feel so fucking defeated.  Even now as I write this; I explained all this stuff to my sister over the past two hours and all I'm left with is that I need to have a sit-down talk with JJ and lay everything out in person and let things go from there.  I don't know how to accurately make everyone feel just how unbelievably disappointed I am.

 

Oh ya- regarding the challenge: I'm hitting everything.  I haven't had any sugar or junk in over a week and maybe that's why all these emotions are so fucking raw right now.  I have no way to self-soothe by eating my feelings away in a stack of oreos.  I have no one to hug and hold and to tell me that things will be fine.  I'm here.  Sitting in my chair and feeling unfathomable sadness.  Fighting the urge to shovel junk candy in my face.  Alone.

 

[Rookie]

16 hours ago, Teros said:

Why do I attract the woman in her mid 30s who is going through a rough divorce, who has two kids, who lives in a slum, who is overweight, who is doing a minimum wage job, who has trauma and a boatload of emotional baggage, who doesn't take care of herself, who can barely take care of her two kids and who hates herself etc - why is *THAT* what I'm attracting for fuck's sake. 

I have a few theories about this. First being that the amount of people who actually have their shit together doesn't make up a large population. There are also the "fakes" who seem to have their shit together but then you get to know them and they are just as self-deprecating or unhappy as the next person. The true bad bitch with her stuff together are rarer... plus I am sure they are in high demand as well. And since they have their shit together they probably have a better handle on what they will tolerate in a relationship. So single ones are more picky and taken ones are probably already coupled with someone super compatible to them. Or they are so focused on themselves and their shit that they don't even bother dating / actively looking for a partner. But this is a big theory. My other theory is that opposites attract. The people you attract are looking for stability (whether they know it or not) and from what you describe you are stable. 

 

You sound like you know what you need and want out of a relationship. Don't settle. Find that person you feel "comfy" with. Life is too short. And you can't really rely on people to change if they aren't actively seeking the change for themselves. Just live the life you want and hopefully someone who lives a similar life will find you or you them. Big virtual hugs if you want them. Hang in there buddy. 

[Sciread77]

On 1/28/2021 at 8:13 PM, Teros said:

I've, never in my life, truly found someone that felt *comfortable* to me.  I'm sorry if I'm rambling - I'm just having a really hard time trying to face the fact that I might be alone in a couple days...

We’ve discussed this before but this is 100% how I felt with everyone prior to meeting Jessie. 

 

On 1/28/2021 at 8:13 PM, Teros said:

I get all these doubts and feel like a bundle of frayed nerves. I start thinking that I'm going to die alone and filled with regrets.  That I'm never going to find anyone that I can share a life with.  That my standards are totally unreasonable somehow.  When I go on a dating site and I see women who are telling me what a 'catch' I am, how 'special' I am, that are baffled that I'm 'not taken', and call me a 'breath of fresh air' in the dating community and who send me volumes of messages, I end up getting angry at them because I know in 2 or 3 months, they'll be abandoning me all over again.  I'm sick of being told that I'm great, only to be with people that are mediocre at best because I accept their faults and who end up throwing me away.  It's all a game.  A joke.  Some sort of cosmic 'fuck you' to me for me doing something terrible in a past life.  I'm angry.  Irritated.  Bitter.  Jaded.  Frustrated.  Why is the concept of loving yourself and valuing yourself and being your best self such an impossible thing to find for me?  Apparently other people on NF have found a partner.  Plenty of people on dating sites have found people.  Why am I alone? Why am I left in the dust?  Why am I not allowed to have happiness in a growing and evolving relationship?  What am I doing *wrong*?  What is wrong with me?

After knowing you for years and discussing this ad nauseum, I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with you.  Yeah, once you get to know people there’s always going to be some annoying or irritating things about them that you learn to deal with, but from what I can tell you want someone who listens, snuggles a lot, is supportive, does not force themselves on you, cares about themselves, and also pursues constant self-improvement. I don’t think that standards of being trustworthy and actively working to be healthy fall into that annoying/irritating category like “I chew like a Pygmy  hippo” or “I live out of a laundry basket.”

 

Since we met 3-4 years ago you haven’t had a large number of relationships.  I don’t think you’ve ended them over nothing. I think they weren’t right for you. I don’t know about JJ- I think in part that depends on how the relationship evolves. She has a lot going for her, though it’s hard to see long-term success without greater commitment to physical improvement/support beyond taking your lead every single step of the way. I see this for two main reasons:    
        1. You function best on Whole 30 or something similarly constructed. After years of observation, this appears basically like a life threatening peanut allergy to me. Any real committed significant other is going to basically sign on from day one for the benefit of your health. Yeah, maybe they’ll struggle and fall of the wagon too, but they won’t be there pushing you to eat “peanut butter” when it has such serious side effects or eat it around you. 
       2.  They have to want health for themselves as well as you because you can’t carry all the initiative. The person you are with has to want to live a longer, healthier life for themselves and not just because it’s the path of least resistance when you’re around.

 

 

[Sciread77]

I’d also like to note that a lot of your struggle comes from what appears to be a general lack of in-person support, something that is not your fault but really hurts you. I wish, for example, you lived by me as I suspect we’d have a similar relationship to the one I have with Marinara, only you have plenty of your own drive. (We have a good relationship of mutual support and deliver hard truths when necessary.). I don’t hear anyone you have in person who delivers a stable, mutually beneficial relationship that gives you a base of support. I am frustrated on your behalf by this. 

[T2sarahconnor]

You know exactly what I would say to you.  Do I have to repeat it?

[DarK_RaideR]

For starters, you are not alone. I know we're no substitute for the intimacy, physicality and snuggles of a romantic relationship, but dammit, you are NOT alone.

 

While I agree in broad terms with Rookie and Sciread, I'll go ahead and flip the question: why are you attracted by such women?

 

I know, it's somewhat provocative, but hear me out. You're not a passive receiver. You don't settle for what's handed to you. And you don't just sit there passively waiting for whoever is attracted to you. You actively pursue those people. Are they the best thing around? Is nothing better available? I know I've struggled with low self esteem in the past and considered cases way out of my league when they weren't, sometimes even learning in hindsight they were also attracted to me but nothing ever happened. Knowing where you come from, it sounds somewhat familiar. Knowing your profession, you also sound like the healing type and it's easy to end up in situations where you're the provider and others the broken ones to be fixed.

 

Pick yourself up. You know your standards, abide by them and cut off ties without wasting time once you see the red flags. You deserve better.

[Sciread77]

15 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

While I agree in broad terms with Rookie and Sciread, I'll go ahead and flip the question: why are you attracted by such women?

Until I met Jessie, I always had relationships with really broken women. I will say that eHarmony helped get past that to the kind of person I wanted. 
 

I do still have a really broken female cat though. 
 

I do get the feeling that you need some sort of change to get out of the environment you are in and get you in contact with the kind of people you want to be in a relationship with.

[Teros]

On 1/30/2021 at 12:42 PM, Sciread77 said:

discussing this ad nauseum

How I feel when it comes to talking about relationship stuff on here in any capacity which is why I try my best to not ramble on here about that particular topic.

 

On 1/29/2021 at 2:10 PM, Rookie said:

I have a few theories about this.

Oh, there certainly are a lot of people who are a mess and hide it for long enough to then pull the rug under me.

 

On 1/30/2021 at 12:42 PM, Sciread77 said:

Since we met 3-4 years ago you haven’t had a large number of relationships.

 

When I first got on OKC, I was swarmed by 150-200 women. I don't remember the exact amount, but I was staying up until 3am trying to respond to everyone and carry on a shitload of conversations.  After my account got flagged and was able to make a work-around for it, the flood of messages calmed down but there were still a few dozen.

 

Let me do some math and check my stats. 

 

There were 40+ women I went out on dates with (maybe more since I don't have proof of all of them and might have forgotten but it's def at least 40).  This does not include the few women from the facebook dating group that talked about being 'serious', like Melinda and Megan who, although weren't local, were very interested INTJs that talked about marriage and sent nudes (unrequested).

 

Of those 40 meetings, 12 of them turned into repeated hanging out/dating/casual relationship with each lasting for a few months.  Muse was 2 months.  Angela was 2. Christina was 3. Deanne was 3 with a sudden manic episode drama that made it last a month.  Melanie was 3.  Rachael was 3.  Abby was 3.  Vanessa was 3. Walacita was 3. Olivia was 4.  Jenny was 4 and then a break, then another 3.  And JJ.

 

I have no idea how many others have messaged me since that initial 175+ since OKC likes to delete previous messages after they get too old (or maybe my account is just glitchy because I can't scroll down to get a more accurate number here.)  Since New Years, there's been Krystin, Shannon, and another Amanda.  It's at the point that I can't even remember all of them (instead there's a folder on my computer to remind me).  I had to go back and edit the above stuff because I forgot about situations like Holly, Hana, and Vida so my above math might still be off.  I could write a Mambo #5 song with this shit (There's Magdah, Talia, Ruth, and Vida 🎙️ )

 

The point of all this isn't some sort of dick-swinging lady-bragging: it's that I, indeed, *have* been trying but I just don't post much about it.  Do I need to mention my date at a bar last weekend with Krystin? Probably not.  They are a blip on the radar so while maybe it might seem I've dealt with like....2 or 3 'major' people, there is a constant revolving door that I am NOT interested in.  My sample size is a lot higher than I want to admit regarding this bullshit.  I tend to bring up JJ the most because she's been around the longest as a casual relationship (but honestly, I don't want a 'casual' relationship).

 

I'm jaded to the attention that flits my way these days.  I'm not simping and bending over backwards.  I'm not dragging a conversation on when these women can't carry a convo or even ask questions.  When I talk about artwork and their response for 'fun' is 'drinking lol', that doesn't leave me much to work with in a conversation.  *facepalm*  Ad Nauseum, indeed my friend.

 

On 1/30/2021 at 12:42 PM, Sciread77 said:

You function best on Whole 30 or something similarly constructed. After years of observation, this appears basically like a life threatening peanut allergy to me. Any real committed significant other is going to basically sign on from day one for the benefit of your health. Yeah, maybe they’ll struggle and fall of the wagon too, but they won’t be there pushing you to eat “peanut butter” when it has such serious side effects or eat it around you. 

 

Nail on the head with that.  That's entirely accurate.  I don't have a gradual or lenient way to look at food. It's healthy vs unhealthy. It's addiction vs sober. It's go for a walk and lift and have a protein shake and burger with spinach or it's eat 20 reeces trees in one sitting with a few glasses of milk and want to die afterwards.

 

On 1/30/2021 at 12:42 PM, Sciread77 said:

They have to want health for themselves as well as you because you can’t carry all the initiative. The person you are with has to want to live a longer, healthier life for themselves and not just because it’s the path of least resistance when you’re around.

 

Yes, and I will address this in the reg post.

 

On 1/30/2021 at 2:09 PM, Sciread77 said:

I’d also like to note that a lot of your struggle comes from what appears to be a general lack of in-person support, something that is not your fault but really hurts you. I wish, for example, you lived by me as I suspect we’d have a similar relationship to the one I have with Marinara, only you have plenty of your own drive. (We have a good relationship of mutual support and deliver hard truths when necessary.). I don’t hear anyone you have in person who delivers a stable, mutually beneficial relationship that gives you a base of support. I am frustrated on your behalf by this. 

 

Thanks. It def would make a huge difference if there was anyone else going through struggles in-person.  What I have is NF and I stupidly don't put enough effort into it when it's the best thing going for me.

 

On 1/31/2021 at 8:59 AM, T2sarahconnor said:

You know exactly what I would say to you.  Do I have to repeat it?

 

I've been thinking a lot of my 12-year shitshow relationship compared to...whateverthehell this thing is with JJ and they are similar but different.  While I may vent on here, I can say without a doubt that JJ is *still* miles above my ex (and maybe that's why I stick around - because I know there is so much worse out there....).  Intimacy was non-existent with my ex while today it's maybe 1-2x a week.  And that is infinitely better than a sad dry begrudging handjob from my ex twice a month which reminds me of this:

 

 

 She's also more attractive, nicer, not bitchy, smarter, and actually wants to spend time with me as opposed to my ex who sat on the opposite end of the couch and didn't talk, unless it was to complain about something at her job.  JJ makes almost 6-figures and wants to get nice things for me (I'm not a material person and tend to not let her buy me stuff).  There *is* potential here, unlike with my ex who was a disaster in every form.  Even writing this I think, "Oh my god and I dealt with that for 12 years".  For JJ it all boils down to motivation.  She isn't motivated to care about her environment, or her physical and mental health and try as I may, even trying to get in this profession of therapy; I can't seem to find the thing to push her from the pre-contemplative stage into the action stage.  I know that *I* can't do it: it has to come from her.  But I feel like I'm missing something here that isn't lighting a fire inside of her, which is all-the-more of a reason I don't invest.

 

On 2/1/2021 at 6:22 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

I'll go ahead and flip the question: why are you attracted by such women?

 

Do you mean, why do I want to be with them?  See above info in the response to Sciread: I'm saying this from a bigger pool than I really bring up on here.  I'm *not* attracted to those people anymore.  A small part of me is the 'healer' and wants to 'fix' people by nature (therapist and all) but I'm more jaded than attracted to those kinds of women these days. 

 

Ok, I'll give a recent example.  Shannon messaged me like 3 weeks ago and we were talking back and forth.  She tells me what she is looking for and I know that she has multiple kids, is 39, and doesn't trust people.  I give her a chance (low risk, low effort. I'm just texting for 10 minutes) and I ask her some stuff.  I talk about art, hobbies, passion, and I write roughly 3 paragraphs of info.  She gives me 2 sentences in response.  She also doesn't ask me about the artwork that I've done, and has no hobbies or interests.  I'm OFFERING her chances to ask questions to get to know me, while I simultaneously am asking her questions to get to know her.  It's a retread after just 10 messages about the same b.s. about how no guy wants to commit.  Well yeah, lady, you've said nothing interesting or engaging about yourself to make me want to continue talking.  I flat out stopped writing to her after a week.  I'm not attracted to her.  Physically she's cute but she also has those angle shots to hide the possible double chin plus the heavy eye shadow/greasy foundation.  So, no, these days I'm really not attracted to those women. 

 

The vast majority of profiles will state something like, "I know what I'm worth and" yadda yadda, but then when I look for any traits to 'sell' themselves or be marketable for dating and....I see nothing.  I'll see, "has pets", "likes wine" and "I have a job" and for some reason, a string of fucking emojis. Like, congrats, you have a job.  That really sold me.  I totally should put a ring on it.  Hey guys, you see this?  She has a JOB.  Stop the presses, ladies and gentlemen: this woman wants "something real" and "doesn't want to play games" and what she has to offer is....not dying of starvation, possible alcoholism, and allergies.

 

Me: Clearly impressed and attracted.  My hands will be elsewhere because of how turned on I am by this "job" she speaks of.

 

Joking aside, really, this is the dating market that I see after an hour of looking at profiles.  I get fed up and go bench press something and shower.

 

On 2/1/2021 at 6:22 PM, DarK_RaideR said:

You don't settle for what's handed to you. And you don't just sit there passively waiting for whoever is attracted to you. You actively pursue those people. Are they the best thing around? Is nothing better available?

 

The above people are ones that swam my way.  As for the flipside and what I'm actively pursuing:

 

Libbi: Age 27. Politically Liberal. Teacher with non-profit and tutor.  Wants to become aggressively involved in local politics. 

Last youtube vid watched: Celtic mythology video about Cú Chulainn. 

On a Wednesday night, is: harassing my best friend into sparring with me as a poor substitute for going to the gym and playing Warzone with my best friends at night. 

Favorite d+d character ever made: Chaotic neutral half-orc paladin on an oath of vengeance who serves Talona (Forgotten Realms goddess of poison and disease).

 

98% match.  Agree on 301 questions. Disagree on 2 questions.

 

Doesn't like me back so I can't message her.

 

Feels bad, man.

 

Another:

 

Carissa. Hispanic/White. "I enjoy video and board games as well as exploring hiking trails, or going to the beach. I make a LOT of bad puns, so be ready for that. Looking for a tabletop rpg group. Pathfinder, dnd 3.5 or 5e preferably. I'm currently learning to code (slowly, but surely). Its a lot of small details that I find kind of fun in a frustrating way lol. I'm on my weight loss journey." 

 

I spend time thinking about: "cosplays, skyrim, dog parks, I should learn more spanish, what I'm going to cook today, where I want to travel to. My mind is a never ending stream of random thoughts."  92% match.

 

Another:

 

Emily. "I love arcades, photography, listening to most music genres with a heavy emphasis on metal (pun intended), and playing Super Mario (among other classic video games)." Hobbies: "photography Typically either nature things (landscapes, animals, etc), or product photography. Definitely looking for recommendations of cool nature spots."  92% match.

 

 

Now obviously there have to be some flaws once I get to know them, but c'mon, these are all good starts.  All 90%+ match and women that I wouldn't mind getting to know.

 

++++++

 

Alright, enough of that shit because it's depressing me.  Time for the challenge.

 

My goals were:

1) Workouts

2) NF/Stretching

3) Whole30

4) Study/Arts

 

Workouts were 1 Strength point per workout (Ok in hindsight I def should have updated this every Saturday or something) *does maths*  I did 15 workouts. I missed this past weekend and then I missed 2 others so it averages out that I missed 1 out of 4 and I'm about to do one. Unless I blow up after I post this and don't work out, that's +16 Strength.

 

NF/Stretching Including this post, that's 7 posts on my thread.  I also spent 3 days for 2 hours a pop checking on threads so that's 10 points FOR GRYFFENDOR no wait, that's 10 points for Dex.  But wait, this was also about stretching and last week I started adding Bird-Dogs for my lower back, which adds another 2 points for dex.   +12 Dexterity.

 

Whole30 was for days of eating whole30.  It stuck at Jan 20th and there was 1 evening slip up in that timeframe.  That's 16 days so that's +16 Vitality.

 

Study/Arts was for days that I did artwork or when I studied for my exam.  This one I did the worst on, but recently got better (because once the whole30 was on track, everything falls in place...) I did some puzzle stuff 3 times and I have the start of a new mask being made once, and last week I started studying and got 3 study seshes so that's +7 to Energy.

 

Overall I know where I'm fucking up (the usual) and I know that these are all being repeated next challenge because I'm determined to make all of these things work goddamn it.

[Sciread77]

8 hours ago, Teros said:

How I feel when it comes to talking about relationship stuff on here in any capacity which is why I try my best to not ramble on here about that particular topic.

The ad nauseam reference was more to me exploring it from every angle I could think of and it turns out that there was usually already someone who had discussed that with you. It’s definitely not something you should feel you have to avoid. 
 

I’ve been more or less aware of the volume on Okcupid and a few other sites for you. It was basically a high volume of wasted time for me as was plentyoffish and most other ones. Part of what I originally empathized with you on was this experience, only mine lasted a couple of years. I know now that Okcupid in particular has the reputation as a booty call site, which is why I was confused and annoyed that women were throwing themselves at me. (I’m also famously both dense on that front and hate being touched by strangers/when I don’t want to be).  

[T2sarahconnor]

On 2/5/2021 at 10:07 AM, Teros said:

.  A small part of me is the 'healer' and wants to 'fix' people by nature (therapist and all) but I'm more jaded than attracted to those kinds of women these days. 

I am glad she is a step above the ex that I hated with a passion.  I know that here we here the worst and best of people and it is hard to see the big picture.  Wouldn’t it be nice if you could have someone nurture you for a change?  You deserve that.  At least someone who is motivates you as much as you do her.  I don’t know the current gf, and I am not saying anything bad against her but you know my story.  I waited ( kissed a lot of frogs along the way) to find someone who is my equal intellectually and mentally lifts me up as I do him.  I didn’t find him till I was a spinster of 37.  Sometimes it is easier to be smarter and fix others.  I always liked feeling that even if I was screwed up I was still better than the boyfriend de jour.  I only was able to challenge myself and see how to work on my weaknesses when I was faced with someone who could objectively point them out and help me, not out of spite or being better than me but because I helped him do the same thing.  Lift yourself because you want to be a better person with them and because they are trying too.  Enough said....