My story of a male addiction (Women: read at own risk)

[gWally]

G'day everyone,

My name is GWally. I'm 21 (soon to be 22) years old. I've had the rare fortune of growing up in a stable family, with parents who had their differences but graciously waited until me and my sibling/s were old enough to not be adversely affected by them. My parents worked hard to provide for me and my sibling/s, and all in all I had a great childhood.

The reason I told you all that is so you'd understand who I am. I wasn't abused as a child, I wasn't exposed to anything a child shouldn't be exposed to. Excluding normal adolescent curiosity, I had a normal childhood, my two loving christian parents to whom, despite no longer sharing those beliefs, I am forever grateful for raising me in the way that did.

Warning: I'm not going to hold back in this post, so I'm giving this warning to any females who may read this. It deals with an issue that you may well find offensive but that a lot of men struggle with. Please keep this in mind if you continue to read it.

































In short, my childhood was normal. Except for one aspect. I have been addicted to online pornography since I was about 13. I have tried countless times to stop, but every time I have just gotten even more addicted.

And every time I have tried to stop, I've tried to do it on my own, too ashamed to ask for help or to tell anybody so I could be made accountable to them. I was content to go along in life lying to those around me whom I cared about, knowing that my behaviour was repulsive but being able to somehow justify it to myself.

Short story was: I was able to live a lie. And I continued to live this lie after I met the girl of my dreams, a bit over 2 years ago. I continued to tell her I loved her and then view this material. When we fought, I would view it more regularly. At first I felt terrible lying to her, but after a while I, like always, justified it to myself that I was "protecting" both her and our relationship.

Fast forward to tonight. Early in the morning of May 10th, 2012. I have had enough. I have known it was wrong ever since all those years ago, when I first found an x-rated magazine in the gutter at the end of my street on my way home from school one afternoon. I don't know why it's taken me so long to draw my line in the sand but this is it. I'm going public with this, knowing the only way to succeed is to tell people, and to not just rid my life of this negative addiction, but to replace it with a positive one.

Hence why I'm here. I'm going to replace this negative, life-destroying addiction with a positive, life-fulfilling obsession - fitness.

I'm not telling you this purely to gain your sympathy or other warm & fuzzy feelings. I'm telling you this because I've kept it secret for so long, and even though I know nobody here, it's the first step towards telling everyone close to me who I've hurt over the years.

But enough about porn. I know that to really succeed, I need to set myself a goal, and not just any goal. I'm going to dream big, and set myself a goal which will require an enormous amount of work and discipline.

My goal is to not only "get fit", but to get fit enough to compete in the 2012 Tough Mudder in Sydney on September 22nd/23rd 2012.

I know that to achieve this, I will need to train EVERYDAY. Training everyday, with my hectic uni workload, will mean even less time for porn. I know I can achieve this, but just to motivate me, I have decided to maintain a blog documenting my progress on both TM training and porn addiction recovery. It may be here on NF, or it may be somewhere else, but I'll be making it damn hard for myself to hide it anymore.

Thankyou for reading my story.

gWally

[Knightwatch]

You're right. Many, many people battle with it. People's opinions will be mixed as to how much of a deal it is, but the fact is that it's a big deal for you, and I respect the hell outta wanting to change something you don't like about yourself. You've taken a big first step.

I think the community here will be a lot more use for you in the fitness pursuits, for obvious reasons. What's your plan to get from point A to point Mudder?

[mandy75]

I have no words of advice, but I do understand. Just sending ((hugs)) and prayers to you. YOU CAN DO THIS! Maybe I do have a little bit of advice, in that I think you may need some sort of accountability partner to help you with your addiction and maybe a program put on your computer to help block the access. There are a lot of options out there.

[msuroo]

There was a related discussion going on here. Maybe some others' experiences can prove helpful.

[Morrigainz]

My first instinct is to say that it's no big thing...I personally hate the industry but it's pretty normalized these days. But Knightwatch is right, it's a big deal for you. And congrats on taking a stand and going public. I was surprised to learn, in the other thread that msuroo mentioned, there are lots of resources for you to do battle with. And I think Mandy is right also - having a partner or someone you can be accountable to can definitely help.

I love that you're turning your mind toward fitness. Do you run already, or is this a new interest for you? Either way, you'll find plenty of support here for both of your goals

Welcome!

[gWally]

Thanks for all your replies.

@KnightWatch: I have the same feeling as well. I'm not here to get help with that aspect of my life - I'm getting help through other channels for that. I'm here to develop the habit that I want to replace this negative one.

My plan for mudder is undefined at the moment - I'm going to come up with it in a day or two, I have some big university assessments which I need to study really hard for. I also have a habit of setting myself goals which are too extravagant when I'm in moods like this, so I figure it will be best to wait until I've settled down so I can devise a realistic training plan. Thanks for your reply and your encouragement =).

@Mandy75: I've just set up the online accountability software with a partner who will DEFINITELY keep me accountable. That and I have had an app called "Self Control" installed on my macbook for a while, so I'm entering sites as I remember them into a blacklist which that app uses. But technology can only go so far...Thankyou for your encouragement!!

@msurro: Thanks for that link. I'll go have a look now. Thanks for your reply!

@MirGSS: Thankyou for appreciating it from my point of view =). I don't run much at all, I thought I was pretty fit as I have the metabolism of a racehorse but I had to run to uni a few days ago and i was buggered by the time I got to the end of the street (200m or so). So definitely a new interest, and it will be a humbling one.... Thanks for your reply!

I just want to emphasise for anyone reading this that I didn't sign up for this forum to get help with porn. I know this is a fitness site, so I signed up here for that. I just told my story because it needed to be told.

Cheers,

Greg.

[tigersheart]

Welcome Greg, and good luck on your journey! It will not be an easy one, trying to overcome any addiction is never easy.

You are taking the right steps to overcome this, and to get yourself in better shape...it will be worth it

[mandy75]

I hope to do a tough mudder someday. Not gonna hold my breath on that though...lol

[unicornassassin]

Hey, I have an addiction problem, too. Mine's with drugs and alcohol, mostly, but also food and unhealthy relationships. I'm learning that addiction is addiction is addiction, regardless of what your 'substance' is.

I started working out right after I got sober, too. I was just telling someone else today how grateful I am for my gym and my workouts because I think that it's a huge part of what keeps me sober. 12 step groups have helped me a lot, too. It's not just the program, but also the people I've met. Being able to talk to people who really, really get what you're going through has been just awesome for me.

Good luck and welcome!

[Artinum]

Not quite the shocking revelation I was expecting it to be! I'm almost disappointed...

But seriously, congratulations on facing this and on admitting it. An online forum like this is perhaps ideal - social enough to gauge opinion and be uncomfortable, but anonymous enough that you can do so reasonably safely.

My own bit of amateur psychology now - what is the cause of this addiction? What is it about pornography that appeals? And do you find yourself addicted to other things to the same degree? What you're doing is called transference - shifting your addiction to a different focus - and if you can do so successfully it can be very effective.

Good luck!

[Sambalina]

Hey Greg, just echoing what everyone else has said already - I think you should be really proud of yourself for taking this step!

Like a couple of other people have said, I don't have a problem with anyone watching porn. In fact, I'm quite happy for my boyfriend of 6 years to watch porn, we talk quite openly about what he's into currently or what he's enjoying. It doesn't do much for me (it makes me laugh and feel kinda awkward), but he enjoys it. However, I would have a problem if he lied about it, chose it over me, or expected me to be like girls in the pictures/videos. So far, no worries. It's now a totally normal topic of conversation for us, and if he ever feels like he's watching a bit much, or relying on it too often, we just talk about it and find a way to work through it together.

Which brings me to my point - have you tried talking to your girlfriend about it? I understand that might be difficult, but if you're considering marriage, you'd want her support in this, yeah?

Well, whatever you do, if it's making you unhappy, at least you're taking steps towards being the person you want to be.

Sending you positive support through the NF force!

[yadz]

when I read that the addiction was porn I will admit, I kinda laughed, but only because I've never seen a problem with using porn. Internet porn is probably more sketchy but if you use porn from reputable production companies then the actors are all well paid and enjoy what they do so it's relatively harmless.

That being said, alcohol is also no big deal unless you're an alcoholic, sex is no big deal unless you're a sex addict, and a cookie is no big deal unless you're morbidly obese. So by the same token, porn is no big deal unless you're an addict, meaning you find it interfering with your life, responsibilities and relationships. If it's something you really want to give up, for whatever reason, then good luck and more power to you. I just want you to know that porn is nothing to be ashamed of.

also you should know that porn isn't an exclusively male thing. I'm a female and I enjoy the occasional well-made erotic film.

[gWally]

Thanks heaps for all your encouragement, particularly to those whose points of views are different to mine - I really appreciate your understanding.

@Sambalina: Yes I have spoken to her about it. She's the main reason I'm doing it - not the only reason, as I've been unhappy about it for quite some time - but I guess the best way to describe it is that she's the reason I went from merely wanting to change to actually wanting to change ENOUGH to do something about it.

I've been really busy with uni work over the last few days but I've set myself the deadline of sorting out my fitness plan for TM by 5pm Tuesday afternoon (May the 15th). I'm going to base it off the plans on the TM Website, and depending on my schedule with uni work, I might also incorporate some bits of "The Angry Birds Workout" here on NF.

I've also been looking into a few adventure races or other events that I could get into before TM, just to have a more short-term goal, as I work better with short term goals.

Anyway, thanks for the warm welcome, it's been an up and down last few days. I've doubted whether or not I can really achieve this goal over the last few days and it's been great to log on and see another encouraging message, so thank you all very much.

Greg.

[Artinum]

Anyway, thanks for the warm welcome, it's been an up and down last few days.

You might want to rephrase that!

[katscratch]

Welcome! There are definitely people here with similar fitness goals, and every day that I read here I am so grateful to have found such a supportive bunch of folks.

Mad props to you for not only recognizing something that was interfering with your ability to be the best YOU, but to actually take steps to change things for the better!! I think the majority of us here can at least identify with how difficult it is to take those first steps. I know for me the emotional/mental side of getting healthier is a bigger struggle than the physical side, so don't be discouraged by up and down days. Or if you do feel discouraged, tell us about it, 'cuz you have a Rebellion behind you now

[yadz]

Thanks heaps for all your encouragement, particularly to those whose points of views are different to mine - I really appreciate your understanding.

Greg.

Hey, if we nerds can't be understanding of folks that different, then we, as a species we're f***ed. I hope you didn't find my post to be pushing my values onto you, I'm an academic and believe that there are multiple views to every story, and before a decision can ever be made all the sides MUST be heard. for example, I like to read up on ancient alien theory, I think it's absolutely wrong, but unless I'm completely informed I can't expect to logically or ideologically defend my views.

getting fit can never be anything but a good thing, for whatever reason. good luck and I hope to see you around on the forums.

[Ryan Sannar]

Congrats on shooting for that. There might be an SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) meeting nearby you might want to check out. Google works for most stuff. Online software to block that stuff can be effective (Net Nanny, Safe Eyes, etc...) If your willing to pay for it. I would not suggest having your wife know the password, find a friend and have them do it for you.

Good luck and we are here for you. You're always welcome to PM me if you need someone to talk to on this.

[IMUnaware]

Ok, I'm going to be the guy to say it: this is silly.

You're putting this huge emotional burden on yourself of guilt and self loathing, and it's all centered around a NORMAL activity that, I PROMISE YOU, 95%+ of other adult human males engage in.

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

You describe your behavior as "repulsive." Think about that. There's something harming your relationship and yourself, but it's not porn. It's your completely unnecessary feelings of guilt and self loathing associated with it. Let it go man. Seriously.

And work out! Good luck with the Tough Mudder. I mean, if this will help motivate you to work out more power to you. But quit beating yourself up about being completely and totally normal.

[chairohkey]

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

I might've found my new sig.

[leadchipmunk]

Ok, I'm going to be the guy to say it: this is silly.

You're putting this huge emotional burden on yourself of guilt and self loathing, and it's all centered around a NORMAL activity that, I PROMISE YOU, 95%+ of other adult human males engage in.

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

You describe your behavior as "repulsive." Think about that. There's something harming your relationship and yourself, but it's not porn. It's your completely unnecessary feelings of guilt and self loathing associated with it. Let it go man. Seriously.

And work out! Good luck with the Tough Mudder. I mean, if this will help motivate you to work out more power to you. But quit beating yourself up about being completely and totally normal.

Yes, most men do it, and it is completely natural. I wouldn't guess it is as high as 95%, but I have no idea and no urge to find out. But many people do not like the idea of it, the OP being one of them. He may be putting too much emphasis on the guilt and self loathing, but then again he may not. It could be causing strain on his relationship, causing problems in his professional life (through uncontrollable thoughts or strong urges), and be causing disruptions in his personal life (life outside of work and romance). None of us are in his shoes (pants?) so none of us can fully understand his situation and be able to accurately judge it. We just need to be supportive of his decision to better himself in his own way. If his method isn't unhealthy, then we shouldn't have a problem with his ideas/plan.

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

This is not a good line to keep repeating for people that are prone to mental images. Thankfully I'm not one of them, so I'll quote it again.

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

[IMUnaware]

Yes, most men do it, and it is completely natural. I wouldn't guess it is as high as 95%, but I have no idea and no urge to find out.

I would have put it higher, but I know that some people identify as asexual, and some people have physical limitations (like, being paraplegic) that might prevent masturbation. I'm sure a small percentage of the population masturbates without porn too, though these days that's pretty small. When I was a small kid I'd use underwear adverts, which technically aren't pornography.

But many people do not like the idea of it

Many women don't like the idea of it. My girlfriend asked me "do you look at porn." I laughed and said "Of COURSE I look at porn." She got upset, and I told her: every guy you know looks at porn, your brother, your friends, your co-workers, ALL of them. She didn't believe me so I told her to ask anyone she wanted. A week later she sheepishly admitted I was right.

He may be putting too much emphasis on the guilt and self loathing, but then again he may not.

No, he IS. Period. Look, if you're looking at porn at work, if you're unable to control your urge to share it with people in inappropriate situations, if you look at porn to the exclusion of having normal relationships, YES you have a problem. But the dude is A) Twenty frickin TWO! Has a girlfriend. He's not sitting in his basement jerking it to porn instead of meeting women. He hasn't said "I have sex very infrequently or never because I'd rather masturbate to internet porn." Nope. Oh, and when you fight with your GF, yeah, you jerk off to porn because you're pissed at her. That's normal too. Unless you're purposely picking fights so you can jerk off to porn and feel justified about it, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM. The problem is this major psychological importance you're placing on it.

This is not a good line to keep repeating for people that are prone to mental images. Thankfully I'm not one of them, so I'll quote it again.

Originally Posted by IMUnaware

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

ROFL!!

BTW Wally: I can be a bit judgmental. I don't think you're a bad person for wanting this. I just think you're a bit misguided. You need to know that, no matter what someone else has told you, jerking off to porn is a COMPLETELY NORMAL male behavior. Really. I'm all for people improving themselves, but swearing off porn is like swearing off playing video games. I mean, if you do nothing but play video games all day and you never have time for other stuff in your life, if you're ignoring your girlfriend because you'd rather raid, well it's not good for you or your relationship and you should make some rules to control it. But the people who say video games are awful and they rot your brain or they make you violent or some junk are straight up wrong.

[leadchipmunk]

I would have put it higher, but I know that some people identify as asexual, and some people have physical limitations (like, being paraplegic) that might prevent masturbation. I'm sure a small percentage of the population masturbates without porn too, though these days that's pretty small. When I was a small kid I'd use underwear adverts, which technically aren't pornography.

If you originally said that 95+% of people have masturbated before, I would agree. But the way I read it was those men regularly do it to porn, and I would have to disagree. But seeing as this is just a guesstimating game for both of us, this is a null point.

Many women don't like the idea of it. My girlfriend asked me "do you look at porn." I laughed and said "Of COURSE I look at porn." She got upset, and I told her: every guy you know looks at porn, your brother, your friends, your co-workers, ALL of them. She didn't believe me so I told her to ask anyone she wanted. A week later she sheepishly admitted I was right.

Haha. I bet she was pretty embarrassed.

No, he IS. Period. Look, if you're looking at porn at work, if you're unable to control your urge to share it with people in inappropriate situations, if you look at porn to the exclusion of having normal relationships, YES you have a problem. But the dude is A) Twenty frickin TWO! Has a girlfriend. He's not sitting in his basement jerking it to porn instead of meeting women. He hasn't said "I have sex very infrequently or never because I'd rather masturbate to internet porn." Nope. Oh, and when you fight with your GF, yeah, you jerk off to porn because you're pissed at her. That's normal too. Unless you're purposely picking fights so you can jerk off to porn and feel justified about it, IT'S NOT A PROBLEM. The problem is this major psychological importance you're placing on it.

I hadn't read the original post since it was posted, so I forgot that he explained that besides his viewing (which is still normal), he still lives a normal (stereotypical of sorts) life. My apologies for the misunderstanding.

I don't think you're a bad person for wanting this. I just think you're a bit misguided. You need to know that, no matter what someone else has told you, jerking off to porn is a COMPLETELY NORMAL male behavior. Really. I'm all for people improving themselves, but swearing off porn is like swearing off playing video games. I mean, if you do nothing but play video games all day and you never have time for other stuff in your life, if you're ignoring your girlfriend because you'd rather raid, well it's not good for you or your relationship and you should make some rules to control it. But the people who say video games are awful and they rot your brain or they make you violent or some junk are straight up wrong.

I agree with this.

And I will adjust (or completely alter) my earlier sentiments. I believe that if you want this change to happen, then you should do it and I and the community at large will support you through it if that is what you wish. But don't be despaired if it doesn't work, that is normal and natural thing to do. And if you believe that it is so bad, any improvement is a major win, right? You may not be able to kick the habit completely, but you can ween yourself from it bit by bit until you are happy with the results.

[So Late So Soon]

Glad you found the site and welcome! Always remember that if you ever need any help we are all here for you.

[engineman312]

i just want to chime in and say that i went to New York Maritime College, and am also an engineer.

[MrsDave]

Hi Greg. I think it's awesome you are drawing a line in the sand, as you put it, with porn.

Unlike so many of these posters who try to say how normal and fine it is, here are a few stats on porn use I stumbled across (which is part of why I think it's great you're determined to quit), as compiled by onlinepsychologydegree.net:

-40% of "sex addicts" lose their spouses

-58% suffer considerable financial losses

-1/3 lose their jobs

-pornography use increases marital infidelity rate by more than 300%

-56% of divorce cases involved one person having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites

-severe clinical depression was reported twice as frequently among internet pornography users (not just addicts) compared to non-users

The other reason I think it's great that you're determined to quit is because I'm married to a former porn user/addict. He treats me so much better - with more respect, kindness, and consideration - when he's not using.

(By the way, to you other posters, just because everybody does something doesn't mean it's beneficial or healthy or should be "normal." Remember that most people used to smoke tobacco? And most people eat fast food or other processed junk? Just sayin')

Anyway, I truly think it's fantastic that you're doing this, and are so committed. I honestly can't help out much with the workout part, because I'm a newbie as well, and have always been slender-ish, but with no muscle at all. Hoping to change that.

~Mrs. Dave