My story of a male addiction (Women: read at own risk)

[CowboyMisterIndependent]

^ Boom.

Just wanted to add a vote to the "do what's going to make you happy long term" suggestion. If you want to dial back the self-gratification, that's a great goal, and if you can channel that into fitness, rock the heck on.

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[Loren Wade]

Ok, I'm going to be the guy to say it: this is silly.

You're putting this huge emotional burden on yourself of guilt and self loathing, and it's all centered around a NORMAL activity that, I PROMISE YOU, 95%+ of other adult human males engage in.

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

You describe your behavior as "repulsive." Think about that. There's something harming your relationship and yourself, but it's not porn. It's your completely unnecessary feelings of guilt and self loathing associated with it. Let it go man. Seriously.

And work out! Good luck with the Tough Mudder. I mean, if this will help motivate you to work out more power to you. But quit beating yourself up about being completely and totally normal.

Edit: I had a whole reply written up but it's not worth it.

Let's just support this guy in his endeavors. I know we all mean well.

[Sambalina]

Wah - those stats are awful!

I don't mean they show porn to be bad, I mean they are bad evidence of anything (other than how stats can be used to show whatever you want).

-pornography use increases marital infidelity rate by more than 300% ----- correlation? Causality?

-40% of "sex addicts" lose their spouses ----- isn't the divorce rate up at around 50% anyway? Again, correlation? Causality?

ergh, I can't bare to go on... bad.

And I'd say all of the posts have been supportive. No attack on you, Mrs Dave, and you're quite right, everyone doing something doesn't make it right. However, moral issues (as this tends to be) have a plethora of shades of 'right' and 'wrong'.

Ok, I'm done. Just.... those statistics... hurt my head....

[gWally]

Wow, this has gotten interesting.

I'm not going to address all of what was said on the previous page - I respect their right to rationalise it and won't attempt to sway their opinions. There's nothing constructive that can come from addressing it, as it will just start a flame war - what works for them doesn't work for everyone. I have a very addictive personality, so maybe that plays into it.

Thanks for those stats MrsDave. It's a really controversial topic, as it seems to be polarised between those who think the definition of "being a man" means to look at porn or to not look at it, and it's not worth getting into. I'm just doing what I know is right for me and my situation, and I appreciate everyone who supports me in that =).

And yes, polarised is spelt with an "S" down here =).

[IMUnaware]

And yes, polarised is spelt with an "S" down here =).

That's repulsive. I can't believe you spell polarized with an "S."

Seriously though, good luck with your fitness goals. And there's nothing wrong with self discipline for self discipline sake. Many historical thinkers/philosophers/etc have abstained from sexual relations and/or masturbation as an act of self discipline.

I'm not going to support the idea that there's anything abnormal or harmful about masturbation, and I don't support your negative attitudes about it as it relates to your guilt and self loathing, but I support your effort to improve yourself as you see fit. Just don't put so much negative pressure on yourself. You may find that's a barrier to achieving your goal anyway.

Good luck!

[EDIT - Removed stuff unnecessarily argumentative]

[Guest Snake McClain]

I'm just going to throw this out there about the addiction. The truth is...it IS AN ADDICTION. Like all recovering alcoholics or drug users you need some form of counselling (Most likely) to get through it. Very seldom is it done on one's own. It is possible...but we are all nerds here yes? History shows us that as a whole to recover there are certain steps that are more likely to get someone to their recovery stage...just like lifting. you want bigger muscleS? you train to failure. those are the steps for bigger muscles. the steps to addiction recovery...well find a group.

now to the fun stuff! A tough mudder! I'm actually considering signing up for one of these this summer. I want to do one. i want to be hot sweaty muddy and bloody. You need a plan to get from not fit to running mudders. Tran hard and be awesome!

[Ryan Sannar]

Thanks for keeping this civil guys. Lets do our best to keep it that way.

[The Tin Man]

Welcome, and I'm glad to know a bit of your background! No point in getting caught up in the main topic of discussion, but related to what YOU wanted to talk about. All I'll say is there is no shame in wanting to improve yourself.

Do you have your plan set up? It's after 5pm on May 15 after all!

I'm not going to address all of what was said on the previous page - I respect their right to rationalise it and won't attempt to sway their opinions. There's nothing constructive that can come from addressing it, as it will just start a flame war - what works for them doesn't work for everyone. I have a very addictive personality, so maybe that plays into it.

Thanks for those stats MrsDave. It's a really controversial topic, as it seems to be polarised between those who think the definition of "being a man" means to look at porn or to not look at it, and it's not worth getting into. I'm just doing what I know is right for me and my situation, and I appreciate everyone who supports me in that =).

And yes, polarised is spelt with an "S" down here =).

it seems you will fit in this community quite well! We do a pretty good job of self-policing topics that can get out of control.

[unicornassassin]

Let's just support this guy in his endeavors. I know we all mean well.

Could not agree more.

I'm just going to throw this out there about the addiction. The truth is...it IS AN ADDICTION. Like all recovering alcoholics or drug users you need some form of counselling (Most likely) to get through it. Very seldom is it done on one's own. It is possible...but we are all nerds here yes? History shows us that as a whole to recover there are certain steps that are more likely to get someone to their recovery stage...just like lifting. you want bigger muscleS? you train to failure. those are the steps for bigger muscles. the steps to addiction recovery...well find a group.

Could not agree more.

[VorJoshigan]

Hi gWally. Congratulations on making a decision to be a better you.

With regards to your addiction, if you feel like it's serious, then it's serious. Full stop.

However, in my experience, the addiction itself isn't usually about the thing being abused. Have you thought about doing counseling or deep introspection regarding why exactly it is that you use pornography in this way? I have found that when I am abusing something - porn, videogames, TV, books (and I'm talking abuse here people, not just idling the time away) - it wasn't about the thing I was doing. It's because I was depressed as hell. I didn't have a book a day habit in high school just because I loved to read - I was running away from the world.

I hope you achieve all of your goals!

[gWally]

Thanks everyone. It's been a week. Things are going awesomely!!

I signed up for Tough Mudder this afternoon. Thats it, no going back - No matter my uni workload or financial state, Sunday September 23rd 2012 will see me on that course. Already pumped.

And yes, the plan has been put in place - Sort of. I'm starting off with the Angry Birds workout here on NF - trying to Keep Things Simple, as the TM workout plan needs all sorts of extra stuff. Going to begin trail running in a few weeks when I have access to a vehicle so I an get to the trails, but for now I'll train for running just on the roads/paths. Theres a good hill near my place as well which will be a challenge, so I'll kill myself on that a few times a week!

I'm just going to throw this out there about the addiction. The truth is...it IS AN ADDICTION. Like all recovering alcoholics or drug users you need some form of counselling (Most likely) to get through it. Very seldom is it done on one's own. It is possible...but we are all nerds here yes? History shows us that as a whole to recover there are certain steps that are more likely to get someone to their recovery stage...just like lifting. you want bigger muscleS? you train to failure. those are the steps for bigger muscles. the steps to addiction recovery...well find a group.

now to the fun stuff! A tough mudder! I'm actually considering signing up for one of these this summer. I want to do one. i want to be hot sweaty muddy and bloody. You need a plan to get from not fit to running mudders. Tran hard and be awesome!

Thanks for the thoughtful reply!!

[carmstr4]

I have two degrees in psychology and counseling. I don't say this to say I'm the shit, I say this as a way to establish a sort of credibility. Despite what people I've said about this being normal, it isn't. Masturbating, yes. Looking at porn, sure. But the addiction part is very real. You're activating parts of your brain that any other addict has activated when they use their DOC.

To draw a line in the sand is admirable, although if this is a true addiction, it won't be the only thing you need to do. As previous posters have said, accountability is huge, but also weighing it out. A majority of addicts need that "rock bottom" before a real change will occur, so I hope that you have reached yours.

Kudos to you if you are able to make this change, I'm sure you'll find support here!

Also, check out the TEDx Talk by Gary Wilson about The Great Porn Experiment....pretty interesting stuff

[gWally]

I'm pretty sure I have hit rock bottom...I damn well hope so!!!!! Thanks for the link, I'm watching now.

[davidc]

I agree with some of the other posters in that I'm not sure its really a problem. If it interferes with having a normal relationship, spending several hours a day viewing or preferring porn over a real girl than maybe its something that needs looking into. My ex and I viewed it together and she enjoyed it too, after her getting past her initial negative reaction.

[Naturally]

Ok, I'm going to be the guy to say it: this is silly.

You're putting this huge emotional burden on yourself of guilt and self loathing, and it's all centered around a NORMAL activity that, I PROMISE YOU, 95%+ of other adult human males engage in.

Just take a breath for a minute and realize that your pastor masturbates, your father masturbates, your male teachers all masturbate, your neighbor masturbates, EVERY adult male you know masturbates.

You describe your behavior as "repulsive." Think about that. There's something harming your relationship and yourself, but it's not porn. It's your completely unnecessary feelings of guilt and self loathing associated with it. Let it go man. Seriously.

And work out! Good luck with the Tough Mudder. I mean, if this will help motivate you to work out more power to you. But quit beating yourself up about being completely and totally normal.

And women. Women keep it more secret, and its probably viewed differently what with toys and a general hushing up of it, but I believe quite a large percentage of women do too. And we play with toys. And a number of us read erotica/watch porn/whatever too. Its not as culturally acceptable, which is why we just don't talk about it.

I'm in two minds - I think the OP is perhaps more concerned about feelings of guilt and so on than he needs to be, but an addiction is an addiction and its not healthy.

Op, all the very best with your transformation, I know you can do it. I think your best chance of success would be to not only involve other people, but to ensure that incluses some sort of sex therapist.

[gWally]

I just worked out that OP means original poster. Took me long enough!!

I'm not so sure about feelings of guilt that are a direct consequence of viewing excessive amounts of porn, more so feelings of guilt due to lying to those close to me. I'm looking at possibly seeing someone about it, but I'm a bit cashstrapped, and I can feel my self-discipline is growing stronger by the day, so it may not be necessary. But if I need it I will definitely make it happen.

[WizardTrip]

Thanks for keeping this civil guys. Lets do our best to keep it that way.

^

[Wicked Pixie]

I feel compelled to make a brief argument here.

I believe we can agree that lying to your loved ones is not the right thing to do.

Being ashamed of doing something is a personal matter, it isn't up to ANYONE else to decide that.

Definition of Addiction:the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming

Addiction is addiction, be it heroin, nicotine, porn, running or marshmallows.

[Mama T]

this thread has been productive and honest so far - any negative comments that deter from that don't need to be posted, so please refrain from doing so.

Here's a definition of civility, in case anyone needs a reminder.

And here's a dog in a bear costume.

- Admiral of Awwww

[unicornassassin]

I'm looking at possibly seeing someone about it.

I think that's a great idea. If nothing else, you'll get some good perspective and a qualified outside look at the issue.

Also, regarding the idea that the root problem is the feelings of guilt, and if a person just stops feeling guilty about the behavior, then there's no problem:

Guilt is a sign of addiction. From http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barb-rogers/seven-signs-of-addiction_b_519194.html

3. Guilt and shame. How you feel about your behavior should be a clear indication about whether or not it's a problem. If you feel guilt and shame, but you can't seem to stop what you're doing, then the problem has become an addiction. No one wants to feel guilt and shame, so if you inflict it on yourself repeatedly, then that's something you should take a hard look at.

So to say that you just need to stop feeling guilty about your addiction in order to feel better is just as overly-simplistic as to say 'just to doing it (whatever your addiction is).