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[Athenα] A Woman Who Conquers Herself is Greater


Athena

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10 hours ago, Athena said:

Once I am ready

 

In the mean time: I need to recognise and be grateful for the things that I DO. Because if I let myself become a ball of nerves, or do not acommodate myself to really focus on the things that are urgent (and important) when anything else feels like too much, 

 

and just a few not urgent but important tasks related to my wellbeing+relationships,

 

I won't get ANYTHING done for a while when I am picking myself back up.

 

10 hours ago, Athena said:

just. Need. To stop. Feeling the regret

 

I have not done Everything I have ever wanted to do and planned since I was a teen. All the amazing ideas of what would make me, my life etc. a bit better. Learning another language, achieving mastery of physical goals, all sorts of things.

 

And I am still fine. Still alive, still loved, still here. 

 

Yes, not in my Most Best Amazing Self.

 

So what? Those are just goals to have. To know myself and what I want. To not settle.

 

If they are going to bother me, and make me feel bad, or insecure, and sap energy from the things that I am doing RIGHT NOW, I should delete or burn all of the lists I made.

 

FUCK *the idea of* maximising.  Right away. Without giving myself the time and tools to do so when I see that I am struggling to do all of the responsibilities that I am putting on my own shoulders.

 

And even when I HAVE the tools... So what, if I don't apply them every day, hour, minute.

 

Even if I continue at the (average) rate I have been going at during my life,

 

I will still be a caring family member and partner,

 

have become good at legal matters,

 

if I dare say so, a good person. 

 

With knowledge about the world and people in it (of all sorts of walks in life).

 

I will still know 3 languages really well/excellent.

 

I will have become excellent at not only being right but also being acknowledged I am right ( 😛 ) & achieving results.

 

I will still have a body that is taken care of.

 

I will be a friend who does her best to be there in the way here friends need her to be, and succeeding sometimes.

 

That isn't bad at all. It's not some pinnacle of success, but the maths of the matter is, 80% of people are average, like the GMB article says.

 

Of course, it's nice to be in the part that cricks the average up instead of down, but I think I would be doing so of I continue it this rate, too.

 

And even if I don't by someone's measurements, whatever.

 

So what I am trying to say is, I am enough.

 

And I will master the art of energy (and time) management.

 

And I can always start at one

 

Some morning thoughts.

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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rupauls drag race raven GIF

 

Last audiobook I listened to was called "Wie gut soll ich denn noch werden?" ("How much better am I supposed to get?", but with a "ugh, what else do you want me to do that I don't enjoy or need" feeling to it), it talked about the self-optimization craze - and how to get out of it. Very eye opening. Don't know if it's available in english (or dutch or whatever your third language is :D ), but I bet there are similar books out there. 

 

Also your new schedule sounds a lot more doable than the last one (though I still think it's very ambitious).  You will smash it!! :)

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Previous challenges: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10

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7 hours ago, Epsilonte said:

Also your new schedule sounds a lot more doable than the last one (though I still think it's very ambitious).  You will smash it!! :)

 

It was ambitious. I am already "behind" because some things came up and the took longer than most things that "came up" last week, because of course :D

 

4:30 PM ... I still feel a bit scattered from the unscheduled stuff during the rest of the day. 

 

  • Set up desk environment
  • Make tea
  • Read where I was with my thesis topic proposal
    • and write down what I still have to do
  • Do some of it? [meaning: ....]
  • fysio upper body #1/2
  • Dinner
  • sister duty
  • then another thing that came up today that was unscheduled
  • fysio upper body #2/2
  • stationary bike is set up again! 10 minutes stationary biking.
  • Some self-care, maybe wash my hair, maybe leave it tomorrow so it's freshly washed before going to work on Wednesday
  • bed, the day goes by quickly.

 

I wanted to say something else, but I forgot what.

 

Maybe that I am having trouble today with my cravings again. I just gave in to grabbing a bigger piece from my marzipan slice, ate Libanese bread with melted cheese on top and spices for lunch... And a chocolate waffer thing. 

 

Anyway, it is what it is. Let's go!

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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19 hours ago, Athena said:
  • Set up desk environment
  • Make tea
  • Read where I was with my thesis topic proposal
    • and write down what I still have to do
  • Do some of it? [meaning: ....]
  • fysio upper body #1/2
  • Dinner
  • sister duty
  • then another thing that came up today that was unscheduled (cannot be done on this day because needs more info)
  • fysio upper body #2/2
  • stationary bike is set up again! 10 minutes stationary biking.
  • Some self-care, maybe wash my hair, maybe leave it tomorrow so it's freshly washed before going to work on Wednesday
  • (...did not wash my hair but I took the time to warm myself up and give myself a clean feeling before going to sleep.)
  • 💡also wrote the reviews I had promised my career coach and emailed them
  • 💡and planned the next day
  • bed, the day goes by quickly. At 1AM ish

 

Happy what I managed to get myself to do in the evening. Not doable every day though. I like to use the evenings for winding down & prepping for the next day.

 

And if I only start winding down at midnight, like I did with the shower, processing the day and stuff, and going to bed even later.... I think sleep is more effective at processing if I can get it it. So I need to start the winding down earlier. And cannot do my todos in the evening.

 

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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Sooo...  did day 3 of the "planning for adhd" minicourse of the podcast author "Adhd in women" at around noon.

 

And I noticed I have come to a lot of the conclusions she elaborates on why the strategies of the mini course work (and practicing with varying amounts of success but better than without these strategies) on my own, with lots of trial and error, and learning from others, and reading stuff.

 

but she did a grest job  of connecting the dots between my realisations.

 

I will write down my thoughts sometime.

 

No regrets of only finding out about this course recently though. I am glad I had the background first and worked up to these dot connections.

 

Everything is happening as it should be.

 

Except now it's 15:45 and I got side-tracked with looking a discounts for Evernote and Todoist and in between gathering info on how to get them (one is via me still being a student) and other distractions & spending some time on school work of my sis,

 

I feel a bit chaotic again. :D

 

Tea & ice cake break. Then continuing with tasks...

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STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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Haha whew it took me so long to set up my bag for the first day on the job and get everything ready. 

 

Of course my bag is super full (I opted for my practical (but still a) shoulder bag (and not a backpack).)

 

I almost started worrying again but then I used my metaphysics superpower and transformed that into excitement. Curious to find out what the next day holds. How I will do. 

 

I already know I want to apply some of the "planning for adhd course" tips, and planned 2-3 moments during which to take a moment and process the day's events/stimuli.

 

I am going for some minimal make-up because the skin under my eyes remains all thin despite hitting more than 7 hours for about 6 days a week for the last month. But it needs to be quick because I need to be out the door at 7:10am. 

 

That does mean I will get the walking in to and from the train stations :D 

 

Anyway. Yeah. Let's do this. 

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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On 2/1/2021 at 9:21 AM, Epsilonte said:

Last audiobook I listened to was called "Wie gut soll ich denn noch werden?" ("How much better am I supposed to get?", but with a "ugh, what else do you want me to do that I don't enjoy or need" feeling to it), it talked about the self-optimization craze - and how to get out of it. Very eye opening.

 

I tried googling but did not find :( Sounds good! Maybe I will look for a summary an dtrain my German :)

 

Thanks! Also for the confirmation!

 

7 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

A frickin' GREAT person!

 

Good luck today!!! Hope it'll be awesome.

Thank youuu :)

 

It was yesterday! (Wednesdays) And it was very fun meeting people. (There were two others that were new, thought they already had some work experience) Learning the dossier system. Playing with the (contract-)model-building software and writing down learning goals. (The notary would check it, it was a simple case, so I allowed myself to not start refreshing my knowledge of everything it said right away.) I also drafted a couple of letters for clients and even added a little something that might be a bit client friendly, but there might be a reason they don't mention it, curious to hear the feedback.

 

I planned in moments I would actively process the new impressions. Managed even to give people some tips / leads (when they told stories about past cases and I remembered things from my studies that might be useful for future reference) & am stoked to help them sort out the contract models which is a project they are busy with.

 

Spoiler

My fam always joke/say that "it is absurd how much lawyers charge for contracts and letters, they have models!" But if you really do your job well to a T - which is of course not a very good business model - yes, models spare you some typing time. But each time you are reading and editing words and commas and checking if the whole  thing is logical and not contradicting, and trying to think ahead with all possible legal consequences (also outside of the legal area you are advising about) , and then also how would a judge read it IF god forbid things escalate ...  That ish takes tiiiime. And then often more than one pair of eyes go over the text, and then people need to internally discuss it because everyone. hastheir own legal opinions and style and justifications and considerations and experience lol.

 

In other words, fun stuff.

 

Despite all that processing during the day, and talking it out in the evening, I still did not manage to get. tosleep before midnight but. I am really noticing progress compared to how my internship went in 2018. My mind was in overdrive from the new experiences. Now it was simply active, not in overdrive :)

 

And I'm keeping on keeping on with really... Appealing. to my curiosity. Rather than my insecurities. And the coleagues were all really welcoming but there were a few things that could have had me feeling cringey in the past. Now I dismissed the insecure thoughts, wrote down learning goals if they could be distilled, and kept on enjoying the feeling of e.g. seeing my name in the program as an author of draft documents :)

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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Yeah, um, I made a rough plan for the next 3 months including my work Wednesdays, course attendance, minimal times I have to spend on my homework, trying to get at least one day or half day to work on my thesis and commission duties,

 

and I started getting flashbacks to all the times I did that and I always did all literature, everything in half.

Spoiler

 

And I managed to get pretty alright grades off and on too, supplemented by the notes of others.

 

And as always, I had lots of times I was explaining the material to fellow students (estate and corporate law and economics things) though also a lot of vice versa for the family and inheritance law stuff. But that's okay. Peer help is great, even. I give it gladly, so I should also relax about receiving it.

 

 

But I want to let go of the expectation that I won't do any better with my energy and time management this time around. That I won't reach flow states when reading. That I will keep spending lots of time planning and printing instead of working...

 

That I will become impatient with my sis and mom again.

 

Today is day 1. Where I stop arguing for my limitations. 

 

Where I stop reprimanding myself for losing oversight when I am not applying the things I need to do the things I want. If it happens, it happens. Progress, not perfection.

 

Spoiler

 

In 2013, and again in 2020 though much less often and weaker, I figured I might as well stop existing because "not only can I not do anything about world problems, I am a burden, I cannot even enjoy life and be there for my friends" yadda yadda yadda.

 

What-the-fuck-ever.

 

 

I will keep striving to prep my day the day before, and applying sleep hygene,

 

Keep striving to start the day with a few things that are good for me, like meditation, and hydration, and some movement.

 

Keep breathing, and giving myself time to process stimuli. (Pain is a stumulus too, so watch good posture, tightened shoulders, comfort of clothing, lack of depth of breath that tenses my chest up, eye fatigue, dehydration that leads to headaches etc. It all adds up. )

 

N.B. WATCH IT do not start (over)analysing. Notice something? Bothering you really? Decide in 5-10 seconds. Take action if needed.

 

I can do this life thing. ROAR
 

Spoiler

 

PS - I had a moment of argument where my mother said I was capable of doing something and I argued against it, saying I was realistic,

 

and she said "Look, I am just giving you a possibility. I will not be disappointed if it does not actually happen. Stop thinking my encouragement means I am EXPECTING these things of you. I believe in you, without expectation."

 

And fuuuudge, I knew this but this stopped me in my tracks. I knew this rationally but emotionally my whole life I was turning those things in expactations of me... 

 

And then I argue argue argue because I don't want high expectations. 

 

But the thing is, and this is proven, people whom are believed will do better, actually DO BETTER if all other factors are equal.

 

So my whole life I have been denying myself this out of fear I will not rise to the... challenge? That I will disappoint?

 

Stopping now. My dear family will never be disappointed in ME. They MIGHT be sad *for* me because they want to see me succeed, because they love seeing me happy.

 

They might get disappointed in THEMSELVES for not offering me the right support or something. Which is what I often saw as a kid.

 

But never in me.

 

(Even though I rationally knew even then that disappointment was not in me, because they SAID so, I still felt it. Empathic? Or maybe each time I first had the feeling before they elaborated it was not in me, and could not let that feeling go, and of course the FEELINGS stay in your memory, not the rationalisations. Especially when you tend to be perfectionistic and service-oriented. Bah.)

 

And, one should strive not DEPEND on the approval of others or the belief OF others in them, if they do not have such an environment, and that sucks. And they still deserve to reach their goals and dreams.

 

But I have that, so can I please stop denying myself it?!?! Ugh.

 

 

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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Your family sounds awesome. :) 

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“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

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Love the insights on progress not perfection.So happy for the insight and conversation with your mom. The relationship between a parent and an adult child can be so hard( and wonderful) . I try and encourage my son, but I think sometimes he has interpreted is as that I would be disappointed. It can be really tough to navigate that balance .

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17 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Your family sounds awesome. :) 

 

They are! 

 

14 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Love the insights on progress not perfection.

 

Thank you! I am working hard on letting go of the fear this will make me "underperform" because of my phlegmatic temparement

 

I know now that by not forcing things, by not putting (unhelpful) pressure on myself,²

 

I am actually giving myself brain space free(er) of unnecessary self-criticism this way. And it gets filled up by things valuable for me: actually having energy to do the things I need to do & choose to do at the best level I can,

 

if not the things I need to be productive with, it will be movement, meditation, spending time with family, philosophising (yes I finally accepted I find this valuable), creative things... 

 

¹ My natural reaction to difficult situations is/had been,until a few years ago, to turtle up in my shell, get out of everyone's way (afraid to make mistakes) unless explicitly instructed but that also used to get me all passive about absolutely everything & get in the way that way and like I am dazed/deer in headlights :D And I am afraid if I don't pressure myself I will just turn off the part of me that cares for quality or doing responsibilities well every so often, until I make a mess of things or find myself falling back into bad habits etc.

 

All of course always compared to the unrealistic expectations I have of myself in a part of my brain :)

 

² I also know that there are different types of pressure. Sometimes, I need to push myself gently. Sometimes, I need to add some tough love and then it is pressure that actually spurs me into action. I am in the process of experimenting what is needed when.

 

 

Quote

So happy for the insight and conversation with your mom. The relationship between a parent and an adult child can be so hard( and wonderful) . I try and encourage my son, but I think sometimes he has interpreted is as that I would be disappointed. It can be really tough to navigate that balance .

 

It is. Difficult and wonderful.  

 

I mean, of course we have expectations of others, which can lead to disappointment. But there is a difference between disappointment as if YOU are wronged by the other not meeting the expectation, and you know. Being sad because you know someone could do better. And then simply adjusting and stuff.

 

Well, ok, to be completely honest I have caused disappointment in them when I hung out with people they thought could get me into serious trouble. Or when my behaviour seemed to change for the worse after hanging out with some people. But that is okay, almost necessary for a kid to feel loved, not? :D I to this day disagree that those crowds were bad for me but if they HAD BEEN, I probably would have gone "why did you not stop me?!" 😋

 

***

 

Aaalright. I have some ideas for next challenge but we will see.

 

Interesting quote from the free Blink of today (Anxiety,by Joseph Ledoux):

 

"In 1844, Danish theologian Søren Kierkegaard published The Concept of Anxiety, where he argued that anxiety is a consequence of the human capacity to make decisions; it shows we are aware of the power and responsibility of free choice."

 

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
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On 2/6/2021 at 9:35 AM, Athena said:

I can do this life thing. ROAR

I just love your attitude, it's very inspiring. :) 

 

On 2/4/2021 at 11:23 PM, Athena said:

And I'm keeping on keeping on with really... Appealing. to my curiosity. Rather than my insecurities.

I'm feeling this. Last year the insecurities ate me alive, and I stopped trusting my curiosity. I need to get back to that state.

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