RhiaWolfe Gets Serious

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 2: 1/18/2021 Update

 

I've hit a wall. My depression has come back to get me and has derailed me. I'm going to try and fix that today. I'm still having depression issues, but luckily I get to talk to my therapist today. 

 

I don't remember what all happened on Friday. I remember being tired at the end of the day. I went home after work and fell asleep at 7:30pm. I had planned on just taking a nap, but when I woke up it was 3:30am. I got ready for bed and went back to sleep and didn't wake up until 8:30am the next morning. 

 

Saturday morning I felt really good! I felt better than I had in a week and a half! Apparently I was sleep deprived. Everything was going well until about midday when I started feeling tired again. All I wanted to do was sleep. I played some video games with friends early in the day. I was supposed to play games with other friends later in the evening, but I just couldn't do it. I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I sat on the couch playing games on my phone the rest of the evening. 

 

Sunday I woke up and got up and around. I played a video game for a bit. At 2:30pm my friends and I had an online D&D session. We were mostly just making our characters and messing around with Roll20. I enjoyed the time well enough. However, leading up to 2:30pm, I really didn't want to do it. I almost told my friends that I wouldn't join them in this campaign. I didn't want to talk to anyone and making up a character just sounded like work. Sunday night I ended up having a depressive episode where I was thinking self-deprecating thoughts and couldn't stop it. I felt useless. I'm tired of not being able to go anywhere. I feel like I don't do anything of value. I feel like I'm tired all the time and even the simplest of tasks seem too difficult to manage. My goals this month are simple. A 5 minute walk and 48 oz of water.  That's not that hard. Why can't I just do it? 

 

I cried for a while and then managed to distract myself with youtube videos. 

 

Today I feel a little better, but still feeling down. I'm glad I get to talk to my therapist today. Hopefully that will help. 

 

Challenge Details 1/15/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 4/7 Pending... 

Didn't get my water in. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 3/7 Pending...

Didn't get my walk in.

 

Challenge Details 1/16/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 4/7 Pending... 

Didn't get my water in. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 3/7 Pending...

Didn't get my walk in.

 

Challenge Details 1/17/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 4/7 Pending... 

Didn't get my water in. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 3/7 Pending...

Didn't get my walk in.

 

Week 2 Finals and Reflection:

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 4/7 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 3/7 

 

 

Not much to say here that hasn't already been said. I'm disappointed in myself for not doing better on my goals this week. I'm hoping to do better next week. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 3: 1/19/2021 Update

 

Yesterday was an ok day. It was difficult to get through work, but I left an hour early so I could make my online therapy appointment at home. On the way home I managed to stop by the grocery store. I got some food stuffs that are at least healthier than going through a fast food drive thru. 

 

When I got home I talked with my therapist. It was a good session. We talked about several things that have been bothering me. She also gave me a task to write down 25 things that are positive about myself. She also told me to ask some of my friends and family to give me 3 things they think describe me. So I'm working on that list and I'm supposed to have it for her for my next session. It's difficult for me to come up with 25 things. I'll work on it though. 

 

We also talked about what I need right now. I'm clearly missing something in my life. I think I am missing people and socialization. Not just regular people and socialization, but having someone I can really talk to. Someone I can have some one on one time with and just talk about whatever without feeling judged or like I have to censor what I say. I only have a couple of people in my life I feel like I can do that with and they have been unavailable lately. I'm going to try and reconnect with a few people and see how that goes. I need to try something to improve my mental state. 

 

After therapy I made dinner. I had picked up a rotisserie chicken from the store, so I had chicken, a baked potato, and a salad. It was good. After dinner I laid down on the couch and watched some youtube. I ended up falling asleep on the couch again. I got up at 10:00pm and got ready for bed and went back to sleep. 

 

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed because I was so comfy. I'm still struggling a bit today, but tonight I'm going to have dinner with my dad. I'm looking forward to that. It's been a while since I've seen him. Hopefully talking with him will help my mental state a bit. 

 

Challenge Details 1/18/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 0/7 Pending... 

Didn't get my water in. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 1/7 Success!!!

I took a 10 minute walk outside in the sunshine on my morning break. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 3: 1/20/2021 Update

 

Yesterday was another struggle bus day. I had difficulty getting anything done. I was just so tired all day long. I didn't go on my walk and I didn't get in my water. Today that changes. I will be doing both today. This is my promise to myself. 

 

After work I went to have dinner with my dad. It was really good to see him and talk to him. He's someone I feel like I can talk to about almost anything. I told him about my depression and my struggles recently. I think it was a good conversation. In the evening, as I was sitting on the couch about to watch youtube, my husband comes in and decides he wants to talk to me. Recently, he's been doing more talking AT me, which some days I don't mind, but yesterday was hard for me to handle. He's really gotten into Guild Wars 2 and that's all he wants to talk about. I haven't played the game, so I have no input. He just keeps talking about the quests he's gone on, what he's trying to do, giving me information about his characters, etc. Honestly, I really don't care... but I'm pretty much my husband's only social time so I let him go ahead and talk at me. I'm playing a game on my phone while he's talking anyway. 

 

After that I chilled on the couch and watched some youtube until it was time to go to bed. 

 

This morning I woke up relatively refreshed. I'm still a little tired but I'm at least feeling better than I was yesterday. Maybe I can get some stuff done. 

 

Challenge Details 1/19/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 0/7 Pending... 

Didn't get my water in. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 1/7 Pending...

Didn't get my walk in. 

[Jarric]

On 1/18/2021 at 1:18 PM, RhiaWolfe said:

At 2:30pm my friends and I had an online D&D session. We were mostly just making our characters and messing around with Roll20. I enjoyed the time well enough. However, leading up to 2:30pm, I really didn't want to do it. I almost told my friends that I wouldn't join them in this campaign. I didn't want to talk to anyone and making up a character just sounded like work.

 

I'm glad you managed to make it to your game. I know I often find myself dreading social events, and I have to remind myself that I will enjoy them once they start, even if I don't want to go in the first place. I think it's a good thing to push yourself for the extra socialisation though, especially at the moment.

 

On 1/18/2021 at 1:18 PM, RhiaWolfe said:

I'm tired of not being able to go anywhere. I feel like I don't do anything of value.

 

What would you consider to be of value? I know that's a big, philosophical question, but if you don't feel you're doing it do you know what your measuring yourself against?

 

I feel like talking to your therapist is immensely valuable, because that's how you grow. I feel like working hard is valuable, in and of itself, regardless of what you do. I think taking time to sleep and allowing your body the rest it needs is valuable too. Are there things that you think would be valuable that you'd like to do?

[Sylvaa]

On 1/19/2021 at 8:20 AM, RhiaWolfe said:

Not just regular people and socialization, but having someone I can really talk to. Someone I can have some one on one time with and just talk about whatever without feeling judged or like I have to censor what I say. I only have a couple of people in my life I feel like I can do that with and they have been unavailable lately. I'm going to try and reconnect with a few people and see how that goes. I need to try something to improve my mental state. 

 

This really resonates with me because I feel the same way. I hope you are able to reconnect with someone!

 

1 hour ago, RhiaWolfe said:

Recently, he's been doing more talking AT me, which some days I don't mind, but yesterday was hard for me to handle. He's really gotten into Guild Wars 2 and that's all he wants to talk about.

 

My entire post is going to be a solidarity post today. Both my husband and my step-son do this on the regular. A little while ago, my step-son talked to me for close to two hours about Minecraft. I appreciated the fact that he wanted to spend time with me and share something. But my goodness, I was exhausted after that conversation.

[Fonzico]

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling lately, my friend. I'm glad you were able to talk to your therapist though! 

 

 

You are such a caring person, Rhia - for giving your husband an ear when he's excited about something you don't care about (I know this one well!), For all your contributions on the forum. For showing up for your friends even when you don't feel like it. For the way you manage your employees and for the value you contribute at work.

 

And these things all take up so much emotional energy! And to care for yourself on top of that, when you have up live inside your own head (full of brain weasels, that like to tell you hurtful nonsense) is a Big Job. 

 

And even though I know don't feel like you're succeeding, still showing up to the fight is incredible. 

You are still here. In the world, and here in the forums. 

You are still trying. Therapy. Tracking your goals even when you don't meet them. 

 

My life is better for having you in it, and so is the world in general. 

 

And I have the utmost faith that you CAN and WILL find some purpose and recognize your value.

[Fonzico]

I hope you're doing alright! Sending good weekend vibes your way.

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 4: 1/25/2021 Update

 

Hey guys, I'm back. Man, last week was rough. At the beginning of the week I was getting low on one of my medications so I requested a refill through my doctor. TL;DR - I went without one of my crucial mental health medications for 5-6 days and had major withdrawal symptoms. I'll type the full story below in a spoiler if you want to read it. 

 

Spoiler

He sent the prescription through and I waited for it to be filled. I find out that the prescription is delayed because they are out of stock. They assure me they should get some in stock the next day so I wait. The next day I call and they say the shipment was delayed and they should have it the next day. I go ahead and wait another day. Finally they tell me they won't have it until Friday or Monday. I've now been out of medication for two days and It's the middle of the week. I ask if they can transfer my prescription to another pharmacy, but because of the nature of this medication (it's a controlled substance) they can't transfer. They said I could ask my doctor to send a new prescription to another pharmacy. So I contact my doctor's office and ask if they can do that. They say they can but they need me to find a pharmacy that has it in stock. I spend hours calling different pharmacies because apparently several are out of that medication. I finally find one and send the information to the doctor's office. Turns out the doctor had already left for the day but promised he would get on it first thing in the morning. The next day I call the pharmacy throughout the day and they still haven't received the prescription. I try to contact the doctor's office again, but no one is responding. I find out the doctor sent it to a pharmacy across town instead, so I was calling the wrong pharmacy. Finally when I get the alert on Sunday that my medication was ready, I drove over there to pick it up. Finally I have my medication again. 

 

 

So, essentially last week was a wash because I was doing everything I could just to function. I had no more spoons to try and focus on my goals. I'm not even going to track anything or mention anything more from the past week. Today I'm feeling better (more sane) and think I can get back on board with this. So let's do this. 

 

Saturday I got a new car! I didn't sleep well the night before, so I was really tired while we were negotiating. I think we got a fair price for the car. My husband thinks I spent too much, but I don't care, it's my car and I think I did pretty good with it. It was originally $31,000. I ended up with a total of $29,000 which included an additional accessory they have to order in that normally costs $300 and several warranties, including cosmetic issues like dints, dings, and scratches. It's a super nice SUV. I also got $8,000 for my trade in and had $7,000 as a down payment. I'm only financing about $18,000. Not bad in my opinion considering my last car I paid $25,000 for and had to finance the whole thing. This is essentially the car I got: 

 

 

On Sunday we had our first real D&D session. It was pretty fun. We played for about two and a half hours. I'm playing a Tiefling Paladin.

 

 

We're going through a Baldur's Gate module. We are part of the Flaming Fist army and are given a quest by our superior to find out what has happened to the erm... what are they called... I dunno... the Three? Something about the number three. I'll have to check my notes. Anyways, we have to go talk to this girl to get some information. We get to the tavern and talk to her. She agrees to give us the information if we help her with a little problem. There are some bandits on the way that want to kill her and we need to protect her. When the bandits arrive, the warlock decides to try and set up a fire trap on the stairs with alcohol. He tries to get booze from the bartender, but the bartender tells him that he better not set the tavern on fire. Since the bartender won't give him the alcohol, he tries to just grab a bottle and run to the stairs. The barkeep stops him and calls for his bouncers (a half-orc and an enchanted suit of armor) to throw the warlock out of the bar. The bandits arrive and since the warlock is grappling with the bouncers, it's just me and the monk fighting 6 bandits. The leader of the bandits takes out the girl in one hit and threatens to kill us. We are vastly outnumbered, so we surrender. They leave. We end up having to take the corpse to our captain and have him find someone to talk to the corpse to get the information. That is where we stopped for the night. 

[Fonzico]

WHAT A FRIGGIN' RIGAMAROLE!

 

I cannot imagine what this past week must have been like for you. I dealt with coming off anti-anxiety meds that I had only been on for a couple weeks one time, and it was frightening. 

All the hugs, and a strong recommendation to just take last week out of all equations. It does NOT count. 

 

Glad you're 'scripted up again,  and feeling better. 

 

WHOO new vehicle! That's exciting! I'm already ruing the day that I'll have to replace my paid off vehicle, but it surely will be coming soon - she's 12 years old now. But that's awesome that you only had to finance a little over half of it!

[RhiaWolfe]

17 hours ago, Fonzico said:

WHAT A FRIGGIN' RIGAMAROLE!

 

I cannot imagine what this past week must have been like for you. I dealt with coming off anti-anxiety meds that I had only been on for a couple weeks one time, and it was frightening. 

All the hugs, and a strong recommendation to just take last week out of all equations. It does NOT count. 

 

Glad you're 'scripted up again,  and feeling better. 

 

WHOO new vehicle! That's exciting! I'm already ruing the day that I'll have to replace my paid off vehicle, but it surely will be coming soon - she's 12 years old now. But that's awesome that you only had to finance a little over half of it!

 

Oh man, the withdrawals sucked... the medication I'm on also has a tendency to have bad withdrawals. Last week was indeed a wash... but I'm having difficulty getting back on track this week. I'm going to try harder. Thank you for the hugs, friend!!!! 

 

 

I'm happy with my purchase, although the process of getting it was a nightmare. We kept going back and forth with the sales and finance people at the car dealership and it was just rough. They kept trying to swindle us. One person would tell us one thing and another would contradict them. It was a mess. I think we ended up with a fair deal at the end though. I did NOT leave a very favorable review though. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 4: 1/27/2021 Update

 

Yesterday was an ok day. I went to work and did the thing. I was actually somewhat busy, so that was nice. Day went by fairly quickly. 

 

However, that evening, I got really upset with my husband.  I'm still upset with him.  I'll put the story in a spoiler. TL;DR he is hesitant to help me and my family out even though it would be a minor inconvenience to him. 

 

Spoiler

So, I have a brother that is 23 years old. He is disabled and severely autistic. My sister is taking care of him. She and her wife both work and their son is going to school. Now, my brother goes to this day center for the disabled from about 8am to 3pm every day. I often will come sit with my brother in the mornings before work and help him get on the van to go to his Center because my sister has to go to work earlier than I do. They have been paying someone as his caregiver for the afternoons. 

 

Well, the afternoon caregiver has told us that she is quitting and has given us very little notice. We're desperately trying to find someone to sit with my brother in the afternoons. We've already got a few people that are interested, but we have to go through the interview process and see if any of these individuals would be a good fit for the long term. In the meantime, we may have a few days that we don't have anyone to sit with my brother. 

 

So, I ask my unemployed husband if he'd be willing to go sit with my brother once a day for about 3 hours in the afternoon Monday through Friday just until we get someone in (and it shouldn't take very long to find someone). My brother is really easy to take care of. All you have to do really is sit and watch TV in the living room and let my brother do his own thing. He might come in and ask if he can have a soda, but really that's it. The ONLY thing that is difficult with my brother is that if he goes number 2 in the bathroom, he cannot clean himself. There are gloves and wipes to take care of that and it only takes a moment to do. Otherwise, he's extremely sweet and easy to watch. We just can't have him home by himself. 

 

So, when I ask my husband (and mind you, I NEVER ask my husband for favors like this) he says "I'll have to think about it." 

 

This really upsets me. He has nothing going on. He sits at home all day watching TV and playing video games. He doesn't work right now and has been out of a job since before Covid hit last year. He can't take 3 hours out of his day to help my family out when they are in need. I never ask him for anything, and he can't do this for me? Am I overreacting? I'm just really upset with him right now. If his family asked me to do something and I had the means to do it, I would of course do it. That's what family does!!!!!! 

 

So, anyways... end of rant. 

 

Last night I had my book club meeting online and it was a pretty good discussion. Although none of us really "LOVED" the book, we still had a lot to talk about regarding the book. It was quite fun. Then I got mad at my husband and it kinda colored the rest of my night. 

 

 

Challenge Details 1/26/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 0/7 Pending... 

I only ended up drinking about 32 oz of water. I didn't really think about it in the evening until I was going to bed and I was like "Oh crap, I didn't do my water..." Ugh. I'll get there. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 1/7 Pending...

I did take a 15 minute walk during my break. 

[Sylvaa]

That withdraw sounds awful! I'm glad you were able to get your medication.

 

I think it's completely reasonable to be upset at your husband. It is frustrating when you ask for support and your S.O. doesn't appear to be fully on your side.

Spoiler

To be fair though, I also think his reaction might be completely reasonable. I know you all have been married for a while, but I don't know how his interactions with your brother have been up to this point. 

 

Coming from someone who hasn't had to have significant interactions with a special needs adult, I would love to pretend that I would be fully supportive, but it would be out of my comfort zone and I would have doubts about my ability, even for a few hours. Not because of your brother (because nothing you've ever said makes it seem like he'd be trouble), but because of the overall situation. 

 

It might be worthwhile to have a discussion around what his concerns are and see if you two can find a solution that'll work until you get someone hired. 

 

With everything going on, 32oz of water seems like a lot more than you would have had a month or two ago! I know it's not where you would like to be, but it's also not bad in comparison!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Spoiler

Sylvaa is right. Your feelings are valid, and if there is a way forward, it's going to be through communication. 

 

[RhiaWolfe]

21 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

That withdraw sounds awful! I'm glad you were able to get your medication.

 

I think it's completely reasonable to be upset at your husband. It is frustrating when you ask for support and your S.O. doesn't appear to be fully on your side.

  Hide contents

To be fair though, I also think his reaction might be completely reasonable. I know you all have been married for a while, but I don't know how his interactions with your brother have been up to this point. 

 

Coming from someone who hasn't had to have significant interactions with a special needs adult, I would love to pretend that I would be fully supportive, but it would be out of my comfort zone and I would have doubts about my ability, even for a few hours. Not because of your brother (because nothing you've ever said makes it seem like he'd be trouble), but because of the overall situation. 

 

It might be worthwhile to have a discussion around what his concerns are and see if you two can find a solution that'll work until you get someone hired. 

 

With everything going on, 32oz of water seems like a lot more than you would have had a month or two ago! I know it's not where you would like to be, but it's also not bad in comparison!

 

20 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

  Hide contents

Sylvaa is right. Your feelings are valid, and if there is a way forward, it's going to be through communication. 

 

 

 

I really wish my husband was a better communicator. He is so conflict adverse that if I bring something up to talk seriously about, he tends to shut down or have difficulties talking about it. I didn't get a chance to talk to him yesterday because when I got home, he was sleeping. He didn't wake up until it was pretty much time for me to go to bed. So I just said goodnight to him and went to sleep. 

 

My husband even has trouble giving me a simple "yes" or "no" answer. I have to interpret what he says most of the time. I really think my husband is a bit autistic himself (but he refuses to acknowledge it or go to a therapist). So when he says "I have to think about it" I'm pretty sure that's his way of saying "no" but I can't tell because he won't give me a straight answer. 

 

I'm going to try and talk to him tonight. I hope he's awake. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 4: 1/28/2021 Update

 

Really struggling this week. I think part of it is because it's shark week and I'm hormonal. I'm just so tired all the time. I can't get energy. I've got a bunch of stuff to do for work now and it involves talking to vendors on the phone. I really don't like having phone conversations with strangers, but I'll do it because it needs to be done. I'm really fighting my depression right now. The Monster keeps telling me things that aren't true. I feel fat, weak, lazy, and just that life really sucks. I feel like a dementor from Harry Potter is always circling me, draining the happiness around me and that I'll never be happy again. I'm at least somewhat functional still. I'm not longer on withdrawals from the lack of medication, so that's something. 

 

 

I feel very whiny. It's like all I ever think or talk about these days is about how I don't have energy and how miserable I am. I'm not sure how to break out of this cycle. 

 

Last night, I forced myself to get up and go in the kitchen and make some egg muffin cups for breakfasts so I can eat those instead of going to McDonald's every morning. That's what I've been doing. I go to McDonald's and get two sausage egg mcmuffins and a large coca-cola. Extremely unhealthy, but I haven't been able to get the energy to do anything else. So I made the muffin cups last night. That took all of the little energy I had. After I was so fatigued I didn't even want to get a shower. So I forced myself to do that anyway. I went to bed exhausted and it didn't take me much time to fall asleep. 

 

I'm hoping that improving some of my eating habits a bit might help my mood. Even if it doesn't help much, even a little bit might help me right now. I'm in a bad place and I need to try something to get out of this funk. I can't let the disease win. 

 

 

Challenge Details 1/27/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 0/7 Pending... 

I didn't make it to 48 oz and I"m not entirely sure how much water I drank. Today I plan to do a lot better. I'm starting off the day with only a 12 oz can of soda instead of a large soda from McDonald's. When my soda runs out, I'll be drinking water. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 2/7 Success!

I did take a 15 minute walk during my break. 

[Fonzico]

I know it's hard, but you are still fighting and that's all you can ask of yourself! 

 

I hope your healthy breakfasts give you that bit of a push to find some momentum.

 

We're here to support you and cheer you on, no matter what!

[RhiaWolfe]

On 1/28/2021 at 8:25 AM, Fonzico said:

I know it's hard, but you are still fighting and that's all you can ask of yourself! 

 

I hope your healthy breakfasts give you that bit of a push to find some momentum.

 

We're here to support you and cheer you on, no matter what!

 

Thank you, friend! I appreciate the support! 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 4: 1/29/2021 Update

 

Well, yesterday afternoon kinda sucked at work. A lot of stress and drama. My boss came in late in the day and ranted to me about two of my employees that made a mistake that are going to cost him a lot of time and effort right now. He says he doesn't blame me, but I still feel partially responsible because they are my employees. My boss was really upset and it stressed me out. While I was on my way home though, my boss called me and apologized for ranting to me like that and told me that there was nothing for me to worry about. I felt a little better, but I still felt drained. 

 

I went home and played some Dead By Daylight with my friend online. It was fun. My husband slept all evening again, so I still haven't had a chance to address my concerns. Whatever... I'm kinda over it already at this point. I'm going to try and talk to him about it this weekend though and see what the issue was and explain how it made me feel that he's not willing to help me and my family. 

 

I forgot to set my alarm last night so this morning I overslept. I was late to work, which was frustrating, but I was well rested so I've been super productive today. There have been a lot of things going on and some of them stressful. Some of them involve my employees that made the mistake yesterday. These two employees of mine are the most difficult to work with. They want to question everything and get defensive at the simplest of things. I think I'm going to have to be a little bit firmer with them as their supervisor. We'll see how it goes. Today I've given them a few instructions and when they ask "why" I've told them that I didn't have time to explain the whole story, but to please go ahead and follow my instructions. It's counter-intuitive for me to give an instruction without fully explaining why, but I think with these two I need to do it. Especially because it would have just launched a long discussion and I just don't have time today. 

 

Overall today I've been in a good mood though. I don't feel over stressed and I'm handling things ok. The day has gone by pretty quickly. I'm hoping I don't lose my energy too quickly. 

 

Challenge Details 1/28/2021: 

 

Drink at least 48 oz water each day - 0/7 Pending... 

I'm thinking about changing this goal up for my next challenge. 

 

Take a 5 minute walk each day - 3/7 Success!

I did take a 15 minute walk during my break. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 5: 2/1/2021 Update

Instead of doing my challenge this last week, I think I'm going to take the time to reflect and think about what I want, how much I want it, and what I need to do to get there. I have not been doing good on my challenge. I'm going to have to try another approach I think. I need to get my head in the game and decide that this is what I really want to do. That it's worth it. I can write down Big Whys all day, but unless I actually feel it and mean it... I don't think I'll have success. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 5: 2/2/2021 Update

I think I may go to the doctor. I am exhausted all the time. My body itches in weird places. I've got this weird eye twitch thing going on. I think I want to try and get off one of my medications. I think that might be affecting me a bit. I feel like I can't make any real progress while I'm as exhausted as I am all the time. I'm not sure how to fix it. 

 

Last night after work I had therapy. It was an ok session. I realized that I'm upset with my husband and am having trouble letting go of it. He's not good at talking things out, so I feel like talking to him about what is upsetting me will lead no where and only cause more issues. 

 

I'm a fixer. I see a problem and I want to try and fix it. Right now where I'm at, I don't feel like I can fix anything. I don't know how to make things better. It's extremely frustrating. 

 

For my next challenge, I'm thinking about dedicating myself to stop drinking soda. I've gone back to drinking a LOT of soda, and I need to stop. I'm addicted to it again. I'm going to start by restricting myself to 3 sodas a day I think... then when I get that down, lower it to 2 sodas a day. Finally 1 soda a day and then maybe a soda every other day. I think this is a big thing for me. I need to find alternatives. I'm going to try and go back to just drinking water and unsweet tea. Maybe if I concentrate on just this, I can make it happen. I can't let my frustrating and depression stop me from trying to make better health choices. Maybe making some of these better healthy habits will improve my current state of mind and body. 

[Fonzico]

I think that quitting soda could be a great foundational habit for you. And starting to get off the sugar rollercoaster can only be a good thing. 

 

 

Hopefully you will see some improvements to your mood and body and it will give you the momentum you need to move forward.

[RhiaWolfe]

46 minutes ago, Fonzico said:

I think that quitting soda could be a great foundational habit for you. And starting to get off the sugar rollercoaster can only be a good thing. 

 

 

Hopefully you will see some improvements to your mood and body and it will give you the momentum you need to move forward.

 

That's definitely what I"m hoping. Getting off soda is a BIG deal for me. It's really hard, but I've done it several times before. Already today I've started drinking less soda. I'm going to try and continue the trend. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 5: 2/4/2021 Update

 

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Overall I felt like I had more energy and I actually had stuff to do while at work. The days go by really slowly when I have nothing to do and am really bored. I also seem to be more tired when I have nothing to do. 

 

I think the eating better is helping on the whole with my mood. I'm going to continue doing so and see what happens. So far I haven't had any overwhelming cravings or anything. However, yesterday after I ate lunch, I felt rather dizzy and light headed. I'm guessing it's because I had a low carb, low calorie lunch (compared to what I had been eating). I had a ham sandwich, an apple, and a small container of tomato soup. I had some chips too that I had planned to eat, but I found that I just wasn't hungry enough to eat the chips. I just didn't want them. However, I felt kinda bleh after lunch. It took a few hours to feel better. I also munched on some candy, so I wonder if that helped even out my blood sugar a bit. I don't know much about how that all works. 

 

Last night when I got home, I had leftover soft tacos. I found that I didn't have a huge appetite and so didn't finish the second taco. It was kinda strange. I ended up playing Don't Starve Together with some friends and had fun with that. 

 

Let's see how today goes. 

[RhiaWolfe]

Week 5: 2/5/2021 Update

 

This will probably be my last post until the next challenge is put up. Yesterday was a weird day. In the morning at work the heater started acting up and the whole office smelled like something was burning. There was something in the air that triggered my asthma and I had a pretty bad asthma attack. I didn't have my inhaler with me. I ended up going to lunch early (10:00am) just to get away and let whatever was in the air dissipate. I was ok when I got back, but man, that took a lot out of me. The rest of the day was a bit of a struggle to get through. We also had someone in our Shipping Department just walk off the job. That department is already short staffed, so they may ask if any of my employees can help them out, which will mean I have less staff to take care of my department. I'll probably have to shuffle some work around and take on some additional tasks for the interim. Right now we're not hiring because the company hasn't recovered from the downturn in the oil and gas industry and Covid. 

 

When I got home, I was wiped. I thought about playing a video game, but I just didn't have the mental bandwidth for it. So instead, I went on twitch and watched others play video games while just relaxing on my couch. I went to sleep and had trouble sleeping, so I'm pretty tired this morning. We'll see how it goes. 

 

For my next challenge, I plan on trying to stop drinking soda. I'm going to be lowering my soda intake each 1-2 weeks. Right now I've gotten down to about 3 sodas a day. I'm going to try and start out my challenge with 3 a day, then go down to 2 a day, 1 a day, then maybe 1 every other day, until I just stop drinking it altogether. I have kicked the soda addiction before, so I know I can do it. I just have to want to do it enough. Also as part of my challenge I may try and find ways to increase my motivation. Think of ways to help me remember why I'm on this fitness journey in the first place. More than just listing big whys... I need to meditate on them. Think about them. Don't just write down anything... I have to feel it. I think that will help.