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Sorry I went MIA, I have been working stupid amounts of OT lately. I found out at the end of day Weds last week that a director in another department was plan on having me make directions, an error report and how to read the error report directions by TODAY (no one asked me if I had time or if it was possible) add that to  some major reporting needs done by FRIDAY (like 3 days from now) where me and a coworker have been sitting in a room from 7-6 most work days getting this reporting done. yesterday we had to pull in another coworker because we are SO far behind.

On top of this, Mom fell again last week. 2 times in a month and is either "I am fine, you are overdoing" or "I can't do anything, help me" at me.

Challenge wise, I had had 3 days where I missed some boxes. However, the rest of the time I got all my boxes. Weds I lost the exercise and stretching. Thursday Exercise, stretching and walking failed, and Saturday (Moms and then OT) walking failed. My steps are horrible since I am literally sitting and clicking buttons for so much of the day.  But I am trying.  I think it is the only thing that makes me not feel like a total failure right now.  Hoping to be around more after that.

FYI, I am SO tired, I just haven't been able to sleep of late. Last night, I was in bed by 9:30 (I got home at 6:15, then got on to work again after dinner at 7) and just got up at 5:15 AM. This is not how I want to live. 

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

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First of all, *insert supportive vibes and fangirling about how you are getting all of this done*

 

Are you dedicating some time on winding down before expecting yourself to fall asleep? ♡ 

 

Maybe some visualising the day intentionally, i.e. with the intention to process everything, might help. Maybe after cathartically ripping the paper to shreds if you want to after that. Or voice recording yourself journalling that way. (You can delete it after. I don't know what it is. but it helps me somewhat.)

 

Someone I know listens to music a lot to do that, too. Even with playlists that go from busy/hard music to more calming. No matter how many hours are left for sleep. If you know it is likely you will twist and turn after a certain type of day...

Spoiler

 

EDIT: Oh. My grand has always - even as a young woman - allowed herself to fall asleep on the chair or sofa a few times before moving to a bed. Not healthy for neck or back, but you know... You take what you can get.

 

She also had a mother that kind of went that way, and constantly did everything for her son ( and made my gran also run after him ) but for my gran it was like. "You are selfish", basically.

 

 

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Ooooof that’s a whole lot of insanity. All the hugs. 
 

one thing that’s been helping me fall asleep lately if I’m stressed is just to kind of recap my day to myself and list all the good or at least not-bad things and then plan for tomorrow. Like “okay today I got X done and did that other thing and started solving a different problem. Tomorrow I can do Y and finish something else.” And even if I don’t follow through on the tomorrow plans because something else pops up, while trying to settle down it helps to sort of calm my brain and regain a sense of “okay things are under control here.”

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On 1/4/2021 at 10:27 PM, Bean Sidhe said:

I JUST graduated Summa Cum Laude in May.

 

That's frigging awesome btw.  You get kudos for that.  I forget what I graduated with and it was a pain in the ass.

 

On 1/13/2021 at 6:57 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

I think it is the only thing that makes me not feel like a total failure right now. 

 

We've talked in private and I would like to say that absolutely you are NOT a failure. Just take a step back and look at what you have for resources and what you are dealing with.  I feel like there are times that we take for granted the heap of bullshit we are taking on and assume it shouldn't be a big deal when it totally IS a big deal to have burdens like that.  Glad to see you on here.

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So another update. We found out the big set of data due to the state on Friday was not due but a checkpoint (However, it was sent out in BOLD with a DUE in the sentence) so we did what we could and left at 4.

I was SO drained after errands and my Mom Saturday, I did very little besides watch football and I paid bills for mom and her Cable Bill went up 30 bucks to well over $200 (almost $220). So that required a second discussion. Sunday and Monday were supposed to be my days off. Sunday I got a text at like 330 telling me to come put the walker back into the car for work. Monday Hubby and I went to go deal with the cable bill and they would NOT lower it, even if we reduced channels or internet speed. Due to the "Package" everything increased it.  So now I get to take Hubby to play the fun game of having my mom and calling them to complain and see what we can do.  (And streaming is not an option for her, this is one of her "issues"). So Sunday and Monday not much got done, but I didn't get the rest I wanted since dealing with her stuff just made me upset I can't fix it, and then when we talked to her about it, I got an hour of "You can make my dinner, you can scoop the cat poop. You can go do my laundry".


Tuesday went back to work, and more stuff got dropped on us. I know I took a high stress job and I am super stressed out, BUt I can handle some stress, I just thought I would get use to one stress before adding another. I should know better.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

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Hugs ❤️

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Update, then if I have time replies

Things are still hard. Hubbies' cousin pasted away as a result of COVID last night. We didn't even know she had tested positive. Hubby was never close with this one (He is one of like 20 grand children on that side), but she was younger than we are.

Mom has been.... mom. My Bio brother called to tell me the things she was saying and tell me to keep a better eye on her. Shes being controlling and well, Mom. (this could be a much longer post, but it comes down to I get ordered around now and she has plans for my "Summer" for me. And refuses to get the Vaccine even though she is now eligible and has every reason to get it).

Work is trying to slow down, but too many people keep saying Bean can do it. OT is still a thing, but I am doing it all solo. Coworker that does mostly the same job is just like "well, I gotta go" and then complains about all the work we have and they put everything on him.

 

Challenge wise, Thurs through Monday were a wash. I was too tired/couldn't deal to do anything about it. I started back up on Tuesday and have done okay since then getting all boxes Tues and Weds.

I seriously need a nap. I was supposed to have 2 whole days off this weekend (Sunday and Monday) but it turned into a huge "Well, Mom needs this now". Oh and I am eligible for the vaccine now, but part of me worries I am too run down to get it because for all I know my immune system is going to be like "Come on in... The drinks are on the table over there and the lungs that are almost preAsthmatic are on the right."

And its 6 AM and if I am going to get walking, I need to get moving. I am over the whole "Be tired all the time" thing.

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Current Challenge ---> Bean Si Vs Chaos No energy for a title

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6 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

am over the whole "Be tired all the time" thing.

 

AW YEAH!

 

Hope you got it in.

 

Hope you are eligible and your mom turns around. What's the vaccine policy where you are? Will they follow manufacturer instructions etc.?

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On 1/21/2021 at 6:59 AM, Bean Sidhe said:

I am over the whole "Be tired all the time" thing.

 

Yeah I needed to put my foot down and make some big changes very recently because of this.  I can't deal with not being able to function.

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On 1/4/2021 at 9:47 PM, fleaball said:

I'm really glad you have outside people in meatspace who can also reassure you that your mom's a piece of work. 

 

I am lucky to have Brother S who will pop up and is great to talk to. he admits I am in a crummy spot, but I have no other choice. He also admits this is her problem that she is making mine, which helps, some. It does not solve the anger.

 

On 1/7/2021 at 10:01 AM, Athena said:

Me going on a ramble because I do not compute why you have to endure all of this:

 

I don't always compute why I have to deal with this, so you are not alone.

 

 

On 1/7/2021 at 10:01 AM, Athena said:
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My inner sociologist (?) has always wondered how some parents always talk positively about their kids that don't do as great as their other kids, AND don't help as much at home. Maybe it's because the one who does well already has the recognition by the school or their environment or whatever? So they are "compensating" and encouraging the other kid? (Very benevolent explanation and absolutely not justifying her behaviour. At all.) Or is it a chicken and egg problem? What came first? Whatever, my inner sociologist/psychologist has no degree and does not have enough life experience to speculate. It's just that, when I imagine being a parent with more than one kid, I just cannot see myself every saying stuff like that and not going "wait a minute, is this good for the other kid? How do I speak in a way that takes everyone into account, without compromising the individuals?" ('Cause sometimes parents that want to do EVERYTHING equally also do some harm haha. What a balancing act!)

 

Its simple, it has been like this my whole life. I have serious confidence issues as a result. My father at least admitted to me before he died that he gave my brother the easy road to walk because he worked hard his whole life. Meanwhile my Aunt still lives with her mom at 50+ (never moved out for more than maybe a year) with her 35 year old son (Also, never moved out, but moved his friends in and none pay rent) and he didn't want me to be like that, so I had to learn to work hard. I know there is more to that, but he was always the golden child, and I never was. Its just the way life is.

 

On 1/7/2021 at 10:01 AM, Athena said:

Thank you for being there for this person. And taking care of her. Despite her behaviour. Thank you thank you thank you x ad infinitum (I dunno, man, I find it annoying that she does not show gratitude to you so I am doing so. ) And what Flea said. 

 

THANK YOU for this. I have given up getting real thank yous from her. After my discussion about not treating Agent Youngest like me, I get a "Thank you for your help today" text in all of her texts right now, but she never says it in person, and honestly, it feels more like the sarcastic, angry "thank you since I am apparently ungrateful" wording.  But I also admit, I may never be able to take anything she says as heartfelt, because it never has been without a "jab, sarcasm, mean" side, so I assume everything is. Brother S has read the things she writes and agrees. 

 

On 1/7/2021 at 10:01 AM, Athena said:

A pep talk ramble:

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Also, you freakin' rock. Summa cum laude, whew. I remember already congratulating you but here it is again. Even if you obviously are very awesome and have the mental characteristics to focus on your studies instead of on those distractions, like a a family member that throws mind f* at you if not daily, then weekly. I'm not taking that for granted. What. An. Achievement! :) 

 

Nobody can take that away from you. And you set that standard for your kids, too. I've always gotten strength from having a mom that has suffered through lots of things & has a solid higher education. (Not that everyone HAS to be academically educated, it's just that it helps when you have an example close to you if you want to go that route. And I did/do.)

 

 

Thank you for this. Honestly, I have heard it from my inlaws, chosen family and Hubby and Agents.  We gave my mom a picture of the family (first one in YEARS) of me holding my degree with the family, and she did a whole "What are you even holding?" thing at Christmas. My diploma mom, that is what that paper is. She barely acknowledges it now and still talks to Agents about how well Bio Brother did in college (FYI, he graduated with a low B average) and how good it was for him. 

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On 1/7/2021 at 12:20 PM, Tateman said:

impressed that you could get boxes checked with all the chaos. 

Honestly, having these boxes are something I can control. Not much, they aren't even all that useful sometimes, but it means I can control something which is very missing in my life atm.

 

On 1/7/2021 at 12:44 PM, Chesire said:

You are nothing short of impressive for what you work with and still manage to get done.

Thanks, I don't feel like it. I feel like I should be doing more every minute of every day. Its frustrating when I have so much I want to get done, and not enough time.

 

On 1/13/2021 at 6:23 AM, Athena said:

First of all, *insert supportive vibes and fangirling about how you are getting all of this done*

 

Thank you, not sure I deserve it.

 

On 1/13/2021 at 6:23 AM, Athena said:

Are you dedicating some time on winding down before expecting yourself to fall asleep? ♡ 

 

Not as much as I should. My down time right now is getting to sit on the couch and cuddle people, but I know the TV isn't helping, but even then, sometimes I only get 15-20 minutes. I just wish I could find more hours in the day sometimes.

 

On 1/13/2021 at 6:23 AM, Athena said:

Maybe some visualising the day intentionally, i.e. with the intention to process everything, might help. Maybe after cathartically ripping the paper to shreds if you want to after that. Or voice recording yourself journalling that way. (You can delete it after. I don't know what it is. but it helps me somewhat.)

 

Someone I know listens to music a lot to do that, too. Even with playlists that go from busy/hard music to more calming. No matter how many hours are left for sleep. If you know it is likely you will twist and turn after a certain type of day...

 

I know there is at least 1-3 nights a month sleep is almost impossible (Thanks hormones). I am trying to do more on the calm down, relax front, but most days, writing this stuff out leads to the bad rabbit hole. Saying it out loud seems worse, and when I think about some things, it makes me ANGRY and I am tired of being angry. I just want to not be angry, or worried, and the more I dwell on some of this, the worse it gets.

 

On 1/13/2021 at 11:56 AM, fleaball said:

Ooooof that’s a whole lot of insanity. All the hugs. 
 

one thing that’s been helping me fall asleep lately if I’m stressed is just to kind of recap my day to myself and list all the good or at least not-bad things and then plan for tomorrow. Like “okay today I got X done and did that other thing and started solving a different problem. Tomorrow I can do Y and finish something else.” And even if I don’t follow through on the tomorrow plans because something else pops up, while trying to settle down it helps to sort of calm my brain and regain a sense of “okay things are under control here.”

I need to go back to planning out days like I did when we were even busier before Covid. The problem is, that anymore, I can barely plan to breakfast let alone lunch before things break. My routine has been shattered since November (work from home, No come in, no stay home, no come in) that it is hard to plan. Most days I have no idea if I have overtime till about 3. I am hoping things will start settling down, but right now, I am just trying to figure things out as I go. Although boss did say we are working in building from here out, so maybe that will help the routine bit to reform (now only if I would get my lunches). 

 

On 1/15/2021 at 10:10 AM, Teros said:

 

That's frigging awesome btw.  You get kudos for that.  I forget what I graduated with and it was a pain in the ass.

 

Thank you, I try to be proud of it, but I also think about the fact it was 20 years from AS to BS. But I am glad I did it, even if it was just for me.

 

On 1/15/2021 at 10:10 AM, Teros said:

 

We've talked in private and I would like to say that absolutely you are NOT a failure. Just take a step back and look at what you have for resources and what you are dealing with.  I feel like there are times that we take for granted the heap of bullshit we are taking on and assume it shouldn't be a big deal when it totally IS a big deal to have burdens like that.  Glad to see you on here.

 

Thank you. I know many people would be like "Wow, that's alot" but honestly, I have never not known stress like this. I can handle 1 or 2 of these things, but I am at like 3-4 (depending on the day) and that's when it is overwhelming, but I can't just not take care of it. Hubby and Agents help, but when it comes down to it, I am just stuck.  Plus I have always just been told "You don't have it that bad, there are people who have it worse" so I have a hard time seeing it as I have it hard.

 

 

On 1/21/2021 at 12:32 PM, Athena said:

 

AW YEAH!

 

Hope you got it in.

 

Hope you are eligible and your mom turns around. What's the vaccine policy where you are? Will they follow manufacturer instructions etc.?

 

Nope, no naps. honestly I try to avoid them if possible, only on the fact that A) It messes up my sleep patterns anyway and b   ) thats a thing with my mom. She takes naps for like 3 hours a day and has all my life. I just think of other things that could be done instead.  The vaccine here is now available to me due to working in one of the selected fields (essential employees). A couple of co workers have gotten it, but I still need an employee Id to do it (Yeah, I know, I was an intern for a year, and then full time for like 6 months now, but I haven't had a chance to get it). I think they are following instructions, I am not too sure. My state has been very hit or miss on who is doing what.

 

6 hours ago, Teros said:

 

Yeah I needed to put my foot down and make some big changes very recently because of this.  I can't deal with not being able to function.

 

Does it sound bad that I want to do this, but I don't think anyone will respect it? Work is a mess thanks to Covid and we are understaffed, by some estimates by at a least double, if not more. We have every position full, but the work load from similiar places for my job alone can have a 3 to 6 person team doing what me and one other person are doing (and hes not always the most on task). Same with Mom, boundaries are not a thing she respects really well. And I am just not the person who is really willing to do a big fight over something she will still ignore later.

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To those who are still reading after all of this, I wanted to put this in the last post, but it would only let me put it on the bottom. THANK YOU ALL for the support. I check in most days, even if I don't log in and reply. Having this support is huge for me since local support is mostly gone.

Friday was okay. I got out early and had 2 great parent teacher conferences . (Agent Eldest's Autism makes those challenging sometimes) and it was not a horrible day, even if I was playing the "am I coming over or not" game with my mom. Ended up not going, but didn't know that till 5.  I have been doing better with my boxes, but not feeling like it. Right now, I just need a routine again, and that should help. I am not getting my lunch walks,  not due to cold or snow, but due to work load. Hopeing this week gets better. Total points Friday was 55, 53 on Thursday.

Scale went up above 300 again, which is frustrating, especially when I am outside walking in 17 degree weather.  But I am trying and that is something right. One day this will work, maybe... I just keep telling myself it will, especially when Mom says she has lost 10 lbs since December (even if I think its water weight or muscle), because if she is losing weight not doing a darn thing and I am not. Its really disheartening.

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10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Thank you, I try to be proud of it, but I also think about the fact it was 20 years from AS to BS. But I am glad I did it, even if it was just for me.

 

*clears throat* Yeah, 20 years NEXT TO all the things from your personal life.

 

Afaik, most students getting to higher education do not have to take care of their parents and children and what have you that I don't know about.

 

My partner is also taking a while to finish his master's degrees, and I am reminding him constantly that even though he has no kids, he is doing a lot of stuff most sons/brothers studying do not do, and also a lot of them do not have a long-term relationship either, which also takes time. Fun time, supporting time. Talking things out when needed. Etc.

 

Put it in perspective, k :) There is also the endurance part of it that makes it extra awesome. I am on my 6th year of uni studies, I looooove learning new things and book studying, yet I am starting to feel so very DONE with it & university administration BS 😂 Cannot imagine the stamina it would take to keep on going for 20 & also with the highest praise!!!

 

Glad to hear your dad gave you that admission before he passed away.

 

(I mean, my cynical side had something to say about that but I am not going to let it speak because I can imagine how much that meant to you.)

 

10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Plus I have always just been told "You don't have it that bad, there are people who have it worse" so I have a hard time seeing it as I have it hard.

 

Oof 😅 That one is a kicker ain't it.

Allow me to write something without thinking I know everything about parenthood:

 

Spoiler

 

There is a difference between having it BAD because of circumstances: poverty, lack of clean water etc. And having it bad because the people who should care about your wellbeing aren't caring for it, though. 

 

Like a mother that never realised/did something about her ... selfish?... behaviour hurting her kid.

 

Just doing the basic things required of you after you pop a baby inside (man) our outside of you (woman) isn't "sacrificing" *because* of the kid. It's the basic minimum of your job as a parent.

 

Sure, there are pricks that leave their kid or don't feed them but spend their money on drugs or so, but if that is your measuring stick... I dunno what to say.

 

Mom and I *every now and then* say that line to my sis that cries about having to eat, or not getting  an app or toy or so. And even then we both reassure each other "as long as we keep it to a minimum and to only these type of cases, we aren't teaching her to overdo her boundaries for others capable guilt tripping her".

 

If your mental health is taking a dive because of things that can theoretically be managed better (like schedules) or a person learn from their mistakes etc., you are not spoiled for thinking you have it bad.

 

If you have depression etc. / are down and are taking ownership for the things you CAN do to take care of yourself (even if you are struggling to do so), you are not spoiled of thinking so.

 

In any case, your feelings are valid.

 

I wish you that one day you can find a balance/can feel like you are in control of things beyond this list.

 

 

 

10 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

, especially when Mom says she has lost 10 lbs since December (even if I think its water weight or muscle), 

 

Yeah you might be right. My gran in general has always had very thin legs, keeps all her weight in the middle, but since 1. falling down a stair and not moving for a month because it hurt and she couldn't be swayed to do even a little, she also never puts her legs up when they swell  and 2. lockdowns off and on,

 

they have gotten really scarily thin :( Granddad would be up for it right away if she says, let's go walk! But instead she is letting her muscles atrophy. Quite worried for her.

 

***

 

I want to say that you do not need to thank me for acknowledging all your effort. You earned it. We are simply calling it as we see it.

 

Glad to hear your reaction to the messages, though. 😊 

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13 hours ago, Athena said:

 

*clears throat* Yeah, 20 years NEXT TO all the things from your personal life.

 

Afaik, most students getting to higher education do not have to take care of their parents and children and what have you that I don't know about.

 

My partner is also taking a while to finish his master's degrees, and I am reminding him constantly that even though he has no kids, he is doing a lot of stuff most sons/brothers studying do not do, and also a lot of them do not have a long-term relationship either, which also takes time. Fun time, supporting time. Talking things out when needed. Etc.

 

Put it in perspective, k :) There is also the endurance part of it that makes it extra awesome. I am on my 6th year of uni studies, I looooove learning new things and book studying, yet I am starting to feel so very DONE with it & university administration BS 😂 Cannot imagine the stamina it would take to keep on going for 20 & also with the highest praise!!!

 

I dropped out of college when I was pregnant with Eldest Agent. I was tuition or diapers, and that didn't even talk about child care. We had been married 10 minutes, so we didn't have a ton of resources. I went back because I wanted the degree. But the time difference is always looked down on like "Why did it take you so long?" I almost feel like some people think that degree means less because I was in my late 30s when I finished it.  Its frustrating.

 

13 hours ago, Athena said:

Glad to hear your dad gave you that admission before he passed away.

 

(I mean, my cynical side had something to say about that but I am not going to let it speak because I can imagine how much that meant to you.)

 

It meant a ton to me, but more, it was validation. He said it in front of 2 of my chosen family and Hubby, so its not like he could deny it. But I even had therapists tell me that I was making it up when I was a teenager and seeking help, so that in and of itself, helped.  But it is still one of those things where all I can think is "Told ya so."

 

13 hours ago, Athena said:

 

Oof 😅 That one is a kicker ain't it.

Allow me to write something without thinking I know everything about parenthood:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

There is a difference between having it BAD because of circumstances: poverty, lack of clean water etc. And having it bad because the people who should care about your wellbeing aren't caring for it, though. 

 

Like a mother that never realised/did something about her ... selfish?... behaviour hurting her kid.

 

Just doing the basic things required of you after you pop a baby inside (man) our outside of you (woman) isn't "sacrificing" *because* of the kid. It's the basic minimum of your job as a parent.

 

Sure, there are pricks that leave their kid or don't feed them but spend their money on drugs or so, but if that is your measuring stick... I dunno what to say.

 

Mom and I *every now and then* say that line to my sis that cries about having to eat, or not getting  an app or toy or so. And even then we both reassure each other "as long as we keep it to a minimum and to only these type of cases, we aren't teaching her to overdo her boundaries for others capable guilt tripping her".

 

If your mental health is taking a dive because of things that can theoretically be managed better (like schedules) or a person learn from their mistakes etc., you are not spoiled for thinking you have it bad.

 

If you have depression etc. / are down and are taking ownership for the things you CAN do to take care of yourself (even if you are struggling to do so), you are not spoiled of thinking so.

 

In any case, your feelings are valid.

 

I wish you that one day you can find a balance/can feel like you are in control of things beyond this list.

 

 

 

In many ways, I can look at it in other people with this "Everyone has different levels of what they endure. Something that may be worse for them than it would for me. Its that whole, I don't know everyone's backstory. But when it comes to me, I have always been told how lucky I am and how good I have had it ,so it makes it hard for me to be like "It isn't how it looks."

 

 

13 hours ago, Athena said:

 

Yeah you might be right. My gran in general has always had very thin legs, keeps all her weight in the middle, but since 1. falling down a stair and not moving for a month because it hurt and she couldn't be swayed to do even a little, she also never puts her legs up when they swell  and 2. lockdowns off and on,

 

they have gotten really scarily thin :( Granddad would be up for it right away if she says, let's go walk! But instead she is letting her muscles atrophy. Quite worried for her.

 

***

 

Okay, so Mom is bigger than me. MUCH BIGGER. She likes to talk about how she has lost over 60 lbs in the last year, but she would of been almost 370 when she started. I am 300 and smaller than she is. This is where I think (hope) some of mine is muscle. I mean I can walk 2 miles fairly easily. She can barely walk 10 feet or 2-3 minutes straight. Inches wise, she is much much bigger than me, and picking up a larger pan of food is too heavy.  I worry she isn't eating since her grocery lists are not very big and she told me that at least 3 nights in a row, she wasn't sleeping well due to cramps in her legs from not drinking any water or tea all day because of "work and not wanting to get up to go the bathroom." 


She has weight to lose, but I think she is losing the muscle. Since she left PT (which was go to work, PT, come home and sit the rest of the night), she is doing less and less and I can see her doing worse, not better. Which is why the weight going off is good, but I am afraid it is the wrong weight to lose.

 

 

13 hours ago, Athena said:

I want to say that you do not need to thank me for acknowledging all your effort. You earned it. We are simply calling it as we see it.

 

I know, but I am so grateful to have someone listening, or tell me that I am doing better than I think. It sounds dumb, but that is a huge motivator and help for me.

 

13 hours ago, Athena said:

Glad to hear your reaction to the messages, though. 😊 

 

Welcome, honestly, I have gotten some great feedback from work too, but sometimes, I just don't believe that anyone means it, or that I deserve it, so hearing it helps SO much.

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I see, thank you for explaining all of that 😊 I know you said that writing it out only makes you angry/frustrated so I appreciate you taking the time and energy. 

 

I am sorry the therapist(s) did not believe teenage you.

 

Spoiler

Their behaviour cannot be excused though I can imagine it can be difficult to read and tell the difference in younger people with hormones raging inside etc.  Though I really cannot understand what the harm would have been to LISTEN. 🙄 Even if you would have been making stuff up - which I know you did not - who does that? Kids that are not getting the love and attention they need at home. Then the therapist may be the only place they can talk it out. So on second thought, I don't get why they would keep telling someone they are making stuff up. And if the things that are said require more, like medication, surely there are things---- okay I am going to stop before I ramble an hour again. Let me reiterate: I am not saying nor do I think you were or are making things up. I was just trying to imagine why therapists would act like that.

 

Sorry to hear you had to go through that.

 

Sucks about your mom not taking care of herself. That is a thing to make you feel bad and worried even if everything else was OK.

 

5 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

I know, but I am so grateful to have someone listening, or tell me that I am doing better than I think. It sounds dumb, but that is a huge motivator and help for me.

 

Fixed! And noted.

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19 hours ago, Athena said:

I see, thank you for explaining all of that 😊 I know you said that writing it out only makes you angry/frustrated so I appreciate you taking the time and energy. 

 

This didn't bother me to explain as much because it was less "please understand why I am mad/upset because you are not listening" and more a "You don't know, and I hope this helps to understand, But really, explaining the situation can sometimes help, especially when I am trying to make sure I am not following that path."

 

19 hours ago, Athena said:

I am sorry the therapist(s) did not believe teenage you.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Their behaviour cannot be excused though I can imagine it can be difficult to read and tell the difference in younger people with hormones raging inside etc.  Though I really cannot understand what the harm would have been to LISTEN. 🙄 Even if you would have been making stuff up - which I know you did not - who does that? Kids that are not getting the love and attention they need at home. Then the therapist may be the only place they can talk it out. So on second thought, I don't get why they would keep telling someone they are making stuff up. And if the things that are said require more, like medication, surely there are things---- okay I am going to stop before I ramble an hour again. Let me reiterate: I am not saying nor do I think you were or are making things up. I was just trying to imagine why therapists would act like that.

 

Sorry to hear you had to go through that.

 

Sadly, this something that I have adjusted too. I mean part of me thinks the late 90s wasn't ready to deal, or that I am not the best at explaining it. They talked about meds for me one time and my mom went through the roof about how she must be horrible if I need meds and I sounded relieved about the idea which meant I was trying to hurt her. That was the first time I learned it was easier to pretend I was better, to fake it so to speak, to get out of the situation than deal with it correctly. Its still a major reason I don't like the idea of meds. Not that they won't help, but rather that it brings up that whole 4 hour scene in my head and makes me feel guilty for not being "normal". One day maybe, but it still makes me cautious, especially since I react to medication in general weirdly.

 

 

19 hours ago, Athena said:

Sucks about your mom not taking care of herself. That is a thing to make you feel bad and worried even if everything else was OK.

 

This is something I had seen coming, but honestly, not so soon. She kinda went from "bad" to "unable to function" mostly overnight. So I went from just barely having my dad dead not even a year (adn a bad year that was) to her now being "I can take care of myself, but you can make me dinner now."

 

 

19 hours ago, Athena said:

 

Fixed! And noted.

Thank you.

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Sunday

 

I got to sleep till 930ish which was nice. But it seems to throw my whole day off. I did accomplish some stuff before my game, but honestly, I was more upset than I should be over a football game. I think part of me felt like maybe something good would happen, but it didn't. I also feel the game was"stolen" a bit by some bad calls, but even that I am over. It was more the good things get taken away.

I did get in at least 2 good walks which was nice since the weather was still okay. All total, I just realized I had 70 pts that day which is pretty good. The Honor student in me says "70 out of the 103 is okay I guess, but I could do more".

 

I am tracking my food more often. I am not counting anything, but I am at least seeing what goes in and what goes out. I really need to see good progress, but I am still so tired. I am trying to go to bed early, but its not working well.  I know some of this could be my hormones making me more depressed, but I can't tell to be sure.

Oh work is trying to blow up again. I am hoping for less OT but we will see.  At least I still qualify for OT and am getting paid for it.

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4 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

The Honor student in me says "70 out of the 103 is okay I guess, but I could do more".

 

Look, I know you have shown that you can do both excellence AND consistency despite all of your circumstances, and I will support you if that helps with the feeling of control,

 

but the good thing about things outside of academics is that we decide if 90, 60 or even 50 or 40% is with the highest honour, and it's important to watch out for burn-out and the like. 

 

Especially for people like yourself that have gone at it on Difficult mode all their life. You don't feel it creeping up on you 🤗  And we want you up and at it even when the kids can take care of themselves, okay!

 

Therefore, I say that (considering your mentality and everything), 70 was all you could do that day, but because we never give full marks, maaaaybe you could do a bit more so you got 70/75.

 

So, congrats with 93% !!! 💯💯

 

PS - Hope my tone doesn't convey I am making light of anything🤗 I am not! 

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I basically just tried tricking myself with the points. Instead of 100% being the maximum number of points I could possibly get, I made 100% less that that. Though in my case it helps a bit because it’s the percentage of the whole challenge and not a daily one. And that I totally forgot what the actual max total is. Otherwise my perfectionist side would be driving me up the wall.

 

The wanting to do more, and/or feeling like you should have done more totally sucks. So yeah, I understand that frustration.

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okay, will reply later, Honestly, I am getting tired and I still have done like 0 boxes today (well, not zero, but not enough and its almost 10).

Monday went better than I could of expected. We were in a winter weather advisory, and I still got my lunch walk in. There was a break in the weather, and while I had to put up with a very cold walk, it did help getting out of the office and back on my trail. I may need to start wearing the mask when walking since with my new coat for christmas and the hat I bought (to replace the "Your going to get hurt hat", I was fairly warm. Also, I have new gloves coming since the ones I was gifted for Christmas (from my mom) didn't fit at all.

Challenge wise, I got 76 pts which is a new high for this challenge. I got a ton of walking in, AND every one of my food goals including tracking. And I was under calories for the day. I wish I could say "hey, this is progress" but I doubt it. I also got more stretches and exercises in, but I am really afraid it won't help.

Oh, and I finally called the lawn company that keeps sending Dad adds for lawn care. Pretty sure he won't care. But that is always a weird conversation. "You have been sending my dad mail offering your services. " "Is your dad interested in our product?" "I doubt it, hes been dead for a year and a half" "OH (weird silence) I am so sorry. Let me get him off the list."

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1 minute ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Oh, and I finally called the lawn company that keeps sending Dad adds for lawn care. Pretty sure he won't care. But that is always a weird conversation. "You have been sending my dad mail offering your services. " "Is your dad interested in our product?" "I doubt it, hes been dead for a year and a half" "OH (weird silence) I am so sorry. Let me get him off the list."

I'm an asshole but I love saying this to people. 

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Ahh, I wouldn't mind doing that for you if I was there either. :) Though understandable  Enough on your plate. There is a company here that does that for you, if you report a passing away to them they will look up all the possible companies where he could have subscriptions and so on. To not have painful or awkward moments like that. (Companies give access to their files I guess since it also saves them money on ad paper etc. not to send it to people who cannot reply or act on them.)

 

PS - It's a good thing you postponed replying to me! I often write so much and feel guilty when people feel pressure to reply to me. So the first thing I say when getting to know someone is: no pressure ;D And then I try to be less verbose with a varied success rate 🤐

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On 1/26/2021 at 1:33 AM, Athena said:

 

Look, I know you have shown that you can do both excellence AND consistency despite all of your circumstances, and I will support you if that helps with the feeling of control,

 

but the good thing about things outside of academics is that we decide if 90, 60 or even 50 or 40% is with the highest honour, and it's important to watch out for burn-out and the like. 

 

I know I am burned out. I am horribly burned out and I just want to give up, but I also can't because giving up isn't the way. But Especially after a day like today, I feel that the only way I will get anywhere is with higher numbers. Pushing myself more and more. but the tired/burn out is making it HARD to want to bother.

 

On 1/26/2021 at 1:33 AM, Athena said:

Especially for people like yourself that have gone at it on Difficult mode all their life. You don't feel it creeping up on you 🤗  And we want you up and at it even when the kids can take care of themselves, okay!

 

The kids are taking care of themselves. I do very little for them anymore. The downside is that I am stuck with a person to care for that I don't believe will ever care for themselves, so I need to find more time to take care of them.

 

On 1/26/2021 at 1:33 AM, Athena said:

Therefore, I say that (considering your mentality and everything), 70 was all you could do that day, but because we never give full marks, maaaaybe you could do a bit more so you got 70/75.

 

So, congrats with 93% !!! 💯💯

 

That is probably a great way to think of it. so thank you.

 

On 1/26/2021 at 1:33 AM, Athena said:

PS - Hope my tone doesn't convey I am making light of anything🤗 I am not! 

 

Nope, you are not making light of anything. You have hope. Hope I need right now, since well, Hope is starting to fail. So thank you.

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