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The Jedi Chronicles Ep. 9: Beginnings and Healing


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Ailyn frowned slightly at the mirror as she tied her dark hair up. Thankfully her signature auburn dye had faded gracefully enough that the several inches of deep brown root didn’t look too stark or odd. The growing grey strands, however, did. She never imagined herself going grey at just under 26 standard years old, but then, what of her life did she imagine for herself?

 

With a huff, she exited the ‘fresher and sat down on her bed, eyes closed. Instinctively, she began to seek out her connection to the Force. Discovering it to be continuing to heal, she resisted the urge to prod the healing mental wounds and just sat in silence.

 

As a Grey Jedi, she was the holder of balance. Her master had told her that this path was the hardest of all Force users. To dance with the understanding of the dark, yet to prevent true evil and corruption. To understand the light, but accept that its perfection was beyond mere mortals. She walked a narrow path.

 

However, the true challenge of the Grey Jedi was balance within self. It was easy to slip over to one side or the other: allowing too much of the selfishness of the dark side to shine through and ignore others, or allowing too much of the selflessness of the light side at the expense of the self. The key was to find the individual balance between caring for others and caring for self. 

 

It was a constant battle for a Grey Jedi to keep that balance. 

 

She’d recently lost that balance. The self-neglect Ailyn had heaped upon herself had destroyed her mind and body. For weeks at a time she wasn’t able to eat, sleep, or touch the Force. She scrambled for all of them, feeling like she was on ice in her socks: slipping and sliding and constantly falling.

 

With the help of her closest friend in her order and her life partner, she dragged herself into a medical center and begged them for help. The doctor had kindly but firmly run some tests and duly informed her that there were chemicals in her brain that were, to put it mildly, completely screwy. 

 

After a truly dreadful week of her body resetting and righting its chemicals, Ailyn had literally cried when she could touch the Force again. Even more than eating and sleeping properly, she’d missed the Force.

 

The number of January narratives that’s happening is making me feel all writey inside. I’ve put a few thousand words into my Star Wars fanfic in the past month (which has duly been renamed and the outline massively overhauled and now there’s actual tension instead of being a fluff story) and honestly I’m living for this motivation.

 

Between writing and playing Jedi: Fallen Order (my Christmas gift from Mr. Right) I find myself not being bored for once, which I absolutely love. I have a hard time keeping it together as far as finding things to do because the depression and anxiety that are my constant demons like to make me uninterested in everything that I love usually. 

 

But after a complete nervous breakdown near the end of November, I finally got myself properly medicated again. And honestly, I’m thinking this is just going to be part of my life moving forward. I’m not sure, but right now I’m enjoying the novelty of the simple things like joy, sleep, and being able to actually eat meals. 

 

One of the best things is that I didn’t 100% drop off the map and just murder my challenges. That’s because I tried out a great new format that gives me a “good,” “better,” and “best” option as far as taking care of myself. It’s important because every effort matters. Every time I choose to push through and eat matters. Every time I go to my fitness classes matters. Every time I play BeatSaber matters. Every time I have an extra glass of water matters. All of the good choices matter. So this new format basically gives me a very basic baseline for taking care of myself, and then I can grow. While I try for “best” I’m usually really happy with “better” since it means I’m working on habits to grow me and take care of myself. “Good” tends to be survival mode, but a better survival mode than other types of survival mode. 

 

One complexity that this challenge will have is that I’ll be out of town for over a week right at the beginning. I need to make sure I use my time wisely and keep moving, eating decently, and drinking water. Most of my goals I can still do, even at my friend’s house. So there are no excuses here!

 

So now that that’s out of the way, time for challenge goals. 

 

The idea is that I’m going to have standard goals and one large goal to do during each challenge in 2021. For example - my large goal for my first challenge is to get and set up a planner. But for the February one, it’ll be to get my budget and bills straight. And I’ll have standard daily/weekly goals as well. Those will have a point value of…. 5. It’ll probably be built into my “better” and “best” points setups, but I have yet to decide about the “good” points setup. 

 

Flowing through all there is Balance
Drink that water! I’ve been doing way too much drinking of coffee and things that definitely aren’t water. So I want to drink 1-4 glasses of water a day. Even though it’s freezing cold all the time, my body still needs to be hydrated and cared for! Especially on workout days, otherwise I’ll get bad cramps.

 

Every glass of water is one (1) point.

 

There is no Peace without a Passion to create
I was gifted a beautiful Illuminated scripture journal for Christmas from my parents. It’s for the book of Psalms, and I can do what my mom calls “scripture writing” where I basically draw out lettering for certain verses. It’s a great way for me to meditate on the Word and keep growing my Faith. While the bare minimum goal is once a week, I’d love to be doing this 3 times a week! It’s very relaxing and good for my anxiety. 

 

Each session of scripture writing is one (1) point.

 

There is no Passion without Peace to guide
Since I’ve been doing dancing for most of my workouts, I really need to do some work on my flexibility. On top of that, I like being flexible. I’ve got a genetic predisposition to not be, but who says I can’t do the best I can and improve my body’s movability? 2 times a week here is bare minimum, but best case is 5.

 

Each stretching session is one (1) point.

 

Knowledge stagnates without the Strength to act
Working out! This is my stay moving goal. My family is going to Disney World in July so I really want to feel like I can wander around in the hot Florida weather without wanting to die. So I’m going to keep moving! My bare minimum goal is twice a week. However, 5x/week would be absolutely amazing!

 

Each workout counts as one (1) point.

 

Power blinds without the Serenity to see
Planners make my life so much easier! I know what’s coming and when, and I’m always better off when I have my schedule handled weekly. So my one off goal for this challenge is to get my mess together and find a planner. It’s the perfect time of year for it, I just need to heckin get one.

 

Purchase and set up of a planner counts for five (5) points.

 

There is Freedom in life, there is Purpose in Death
This one was tricky to theme but I’m going to have this as my cooking goal. I haven’t been cooking, which is very much not good for my body or just for my sanity. I need to cook at least once a week, but the best case scenario is 3 meals a week. 

 

Each meal cooked is one (1) point

 

The Force Is All Things and I Am The Force
Good - 71 points (AVG 1-2 glasses of water a day, 1 meal cooked a week, 2 stretch days a week, 2 workouts a week, 1 scripture writing session a week, and purchase of my planner)

Better - 128 points (AVG 2 glasses of water a day, 2 meals cooked a week, 3-4 stretch days a week, 3-4 workouts a week, 2 scripture writing sessions a week, and purchase of my planner)

Best - 190 points (AVG 3 glasses of water a day, 3 meals cooked a week, 5 stretch days a week, 5 workouts a week, 3 scripture writing sessions a week, and purchase of my planner)


I used this image of the Grey Jedi Code for my titles BTW:

 

The Grey Jedi code is genuinely kind of beautiful : StarWars

(holy heckin crap that's huge)


So I hope everyone has an absolutely fantastic first challenge of January!

  • Like 4

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Tracking
Week 1: 30
Week 2: 27
Week 3: 34
Week 4: 30
Week 5: 31

 

Total: 152
 

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Nice narrative. It brought home much more forcefully (pun intended) how dramatic the change has been for you since getting meds straight.

I'm glad you're doing better.

Lol thanks. But yeah it's like night and day. I fought it way too long, but I was wrecked. My whole body was wrecked. I feel like an entire new person.  :) 

  • Like 1

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Every good choice matters - I love this!  AND I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HERE!! 

  • Like 1

i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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8 hours ago, Jules Andromeda said:

I really love the good / better / best frame - how that gives you space to grow towards your goal but room to adjust and acknowledge that sometimes good enough is . . . good enough!   And love the Gray Jedi Code!

Exactly! I had essentially a nervous breakdown in the middle of my last challenge and still somehow managed to get "good" on it. It was survival mode, but it was better than just sitting like a bump on a log and completely disregarding.

 

Thanks! I do too ^_^ The balance aspect really appeals to me.  I've seen a couple of them, but like them all!

 

 

4 hours ago, Ensi said:

Following! I'm glad to hear the meds are helping, and this good - better- best scale is definitely a good move ☺️☺️ any plans for the New Year's Eve?

So glad to have you! 

 

They really are. It's absolutely insane the difference!!

 

Thank you! It's really helped me feel like my goals could be achieved without this mysterious perfection I was seeking previously.

 

Not really haha we're leaving to go out of town on the 2nd, so I'm treating the 31st and 1st like normal work days so I can be out for a week!

 

 

8 minutes ago, shaar said:

Every good choice matters - I love this!  AND I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU HERE!! 

Thanks! That's been my new mindset for the second half of 2020 and one I want to take into 2021! :)

 

I'm SO GLAD TO BE HERE AND SEE YOU ❤️ 

  • Like 1

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Fete week was over, and the new year had turned.  Ailyn huddled in warm clothing, working from her couch. Corelllia got chilly this time of year, though Chandrila was worse - and that was where she was headed tomorrow. Her best friend's homeworld was beautiful, just colder than a Naboo native preferred.

 

Yawning and stretching, Ailyn reached out a hand to pull her cup of caf towards her. The day would be hectic and busy what with packing, a run to the store, work, and trying to clean up her and her lifemate's home before they left. She was fairly certain he'd take care of cleaning up their little starship. She frowned at her grumbling stomach and grabbed a slightly squished ration bar from a nearby bag instead of going to find a proper meal.  A proper meal could come later. 

 

Ailyn stared at her to-do list and sighed. Well, it wasn't going to get done with her sitting there staring at it. She closed her portable computer, sitting it on the cozy couch to await her return. 

 

Today is going to be intensely busy! I'm prepping for my trip, and I have a full day of work ahead of me. There are quite a few things to do still what with cleaning, packing, and writing up instructions for our friend who's watching our animals.  We have quite a few, and he wanted something to refer to so no one was forgotten. I also have to run to the store thanks to the fact that Walmart's 1 hour photo isn't 1 hour after 6 (which wasn't said anywhere on the website previously in the day). Final late christmas gifts!

 

Well that's all for me today, hope everyone has a great day 1 of 2021!

  • Like 3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Wow it's been an interesting few days. 

 

Yesterday was SUPER HEALTHY. We had homemade dinner at my friend's house, we stretched, and my friend and I played BeatSaber together. So I got some good points in yesterday. Feeling pretty good, despite sleeping on an air mattress >_> 

 

ALSO

 

MY FRIEND GOT ME TWO GECKOS FOR CHRISTMAS. 

I LOVE THEM.

 

I'm working on naming them. I think they're going to be Rowan and Iggy. But not sure. 

 

Been doing a lot of emotional lifting as well. But I don't want to go into all that right now. 

 

Though I'll note that taking a day off of work is so much harder than I expected. I'm actually taking just over a week off, and I keep having to resist the urge to check my email. and basically resist the urge to go online and be online. It's harder than I thought. But I need the break so badly, I'm so much more relaxed now

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Shivering, Ailyn stood in front of a glass door staring at a grey day. She took a deep breath, sinking into a semi-meditative state. After a few moments of meditation, she turned inward to seek her connection to the Force... there it was. Inflamed and painful, like an irritated wound. Her heart sank, but she brought herself out of meditation. Healing takes time, she reminded herself. Even here, you're better than you were a couple months ago.  But it was hard to remember it right now. 

 

Quietly, Ailyn turned her head to her friend', Maylea's room, but sensed that she was still sleeping. Shoulders slumping, she considered the chaos of the past couple of days. From being hurt by the friend she stopped to see on her way to Maylea's, to the inundation of people, strangers and not, over the past 48 standard hours. It was no wonder her connection to the Force was inflamed. She was teetering upon losing her balance, and it was going to be a bit of a battle to stay balanced enough not to lose the Force again. 

 

Carefully picking her way over to the far end of the couch from her lifemate's cousin's sleeping form, she closed her eyes to meditate.

 

It's definitely been a back and forth few days, guys. I'm getting very socially overwhelmed, which I didn't expect at all. I should have, and my friend did, but I didn't. But then, I've interacted with all of 2 people a week on average for the past year and a half . And I've seen/interacted with more people in the past 48 hours than I have in a very long time. So I'm extremely overwhelmed.  Especially since we're adding new people into the house.  Hopefully I can get through this with my sanity intact and not have an unrelaxing break/vacation.

  • Like 1

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Well it's been an interesting few days. I've been doing some problematic emotional work and having a lot go on with me emotionally. It's causing some stress on me but I'm absurdly thankful for my meds because otherwise I'd be basically useless. 

 

On the other hand, I've had a lot of fun on my mini-vacation so far and it's been so relaxing to get a break from work. My boss has been shielding me from everything he doesn't absolutely need me for and it's amazing. I needed the break so badly. I was having some mild anxiety so I went to check my email for the first time since Friday since my friends are watching Chernobyl and honestly it's scaring the crap outta me. It's reminding me a lot of Annihilation - a really creepy  sci-fi movie that's also a horror movie (though I didn't know that when I started it) so I decided to do something else. 

 

Once I do this, I'll probably work on writing something for my personal blog. I haven't messed with it in a while and I miss it!

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Got my planner yesterday! It was on clearance and is absolutely beautiful. It's spiral bound and came with stickers and lots of different kinds of pages. I can't wait to keep using it!

 

Yesterday we went climbing too!! I was absolute garbage because I have no upper body strength and I'm scared of heights but I was so proud of what I did do! I made so much progress in a couple of hours, and I managed to get to the top of the bouldering wall twice on the easiest mode :)  I'm definitely adding climbing to my 'fun workout' things to do! My husband loved it so I'm pricing a gym for both of us. We're going to go climb sometime after we get home from our trip.

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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On 12/29/2020 at 4:43 PM, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:

Tracking
Week 1: 30
Week 2:
Week 3:
Week 4:
Week 5:

 

 

Total: 30
 

Holy WOW What a week. I got so much done! And considering I was technically on vacation, I'm s u p e r  proud of myself ^_^ I got a couple of workouts in, drank lots of water, worked on scripture writing, and just decompressed. 

 

I did a lot of mental lifting this week too. I was with a group of people I feel very safe being vulnerable with, so I was able to work through some things. I've discovered a few things:

  1. I use work as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed
  2. Work contributes significantly to my stress
  3. I need to see more human beings on a regular basis
  4. It's okay to grow out of friendships

The first two are the biggest things. I was able to completely put work aside for a week, and at least for the first half of the week nothing went merrily to hell. It only went merrily to hell in the second half. I'm really really trying hard not to be stressed about it but also I'm fairly certain that tomorrow is going to be high stress and just in general a "hot foot forest" as my best friend would say.  I really want to get through without a panic attack but I'm honestly not sure if I can.  At this point, I just hope I'm tired enough to sleep well tonight. So any good thoughts, good vibes, advice, or prayer would be amazing ❤️

 

I'm really not ready to go back to work. It's a huge source of stress for me, and I hate that. I used to love my job but now it's just... too much sometimes. I miss my friend, though she's coming up in March to be a support for me and Mr. Right during a very stressful event. 

 

There was definitely more mental lifting done this week, but not all of it is good public stuff so that's a thing. I'll write up a short bit for my character, and then probably conk out and sleep (hopefully) until tomorrow and deal with everything then. 

 

Bending over to touch her toes, Ailyn took a deep breath to center herself in the Force. What she had anticipated to be a week of rest had ended up being a week of healing. Her friend had found a festering wound in Ailyn's soul, and they'd worked together to drain it. The healing had begun. Early in the week, she was thrown out of balance and lost her connection to the Force again. That was when they'd found the soul-wound she'd not healed. Neither of them were sure it was a permanent healing, but it was a start and it was a help. 

 

This slow, easy stretching routine was a way for her to get back in touch with her body and continue the mental healing of her connection with the Force. She felt so much better than she once had, but this week had shown Ailyn how very much healing she still had to do. How many painful wounds were festering in the bottom of her soul. It would take time, and help. But she trusted that there were reasons for all of this. That there were reasons for her pain and the pain of others.

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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17 minutes ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:
  • I use work as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed
  • Work contributes significantly to my stress

I can see how that would complicate things. I'm sorry work is such a problem for you. I hope the Stressful Event™ comes and goes quickly and easily.

  • Thanks 1

Current Challenge

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

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9 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I can see how that would complicate things. I'm sorry work is such a problem for you. I hope the Stressful Event™ comes and goes quickly and easily.

Yeah. My brain doesn't seem to know how to cope without something to worry about. I spent a week getting uncoiled and unwind from anxiety and it feels like it's been mostly undone in the course of 24 hours. 

 

I just really don't want to deal with this phone call with my boss. There was a lot of mess that happened in the latter half of the week while I was gone, and now it's Monday and I'm about to have to clean all of that up. 

  • Sad 1

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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10 hours ago, TheGreyJedi-Ranger said:
  1. I use work as a coping mechanism when I'm stressed
  2. Work contributes significantly to my stress

 

I see a lot of people stuck in this cycle, so you're not alone.  Here's hoping the Grey Jedi can find some balance here - it's tricky!!

 

I hope everything goes as well as it can for you! ❤️ 

i am not waiting for a hero.  i saved myself long ago.

Level 50 Bardic Time-Mage; of the Furious Heart

STR.55  DEX.43 STA.48 CON.51 WIS.53 CHA.65

"Well...in the end, it boils down to two simple choices. Either you do or you don't.

You'd think with all the problems in this world, there'd be more answers. It's not fair...
...But that's the way things are. The choice is yours."

» visit me @ my BATTLE LOG~

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On 1/11/2021 at 9:38 AM, shaar said:

 

I see a lot of people stuck in this cycle, so you're not alone.  Here's hoping the Grey Jedi can find some balance here - it's tricky!!

 

I hope everything goes as well as it can for you! ❤️ 

Thankfully, my boss is doing a lot to take the stressful stuff off my plate so I can regain some equilibrium.  One of the biggest bits of balance is to have separation between work and home life! That's something that takes some doing for me but I'm getting better at it. Especially since I'm not trying to prep for a vacation!

 

It went okay. Most of the messes were already cleaned up or not mine to clean up so it was less stressful than I thought it would be. 

 

~~~

 

Yesterday was actually super productive goal wise! Aside from getting lots of water in, I managed to do a scripture writing day AND get some stretching in. Very pleased, can confirm ^_^ Today I'm planning on playing BeatSaber as a workout later, and stretching after that. And I'm cooking dinner! Chicken thighs with a mushroom cream sauce and roasted red potatoes. Gonna be tasty ^_^

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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With a final spin, Ailyn turned off her lavender lightsaber blade, grinning. Removing her helmet, she saw that the bolts the training machine sent to her had all been deflected to assorted targets, but she'd missed the center on some. It was a lot easier than it had been a month ago to do the training exercises, so it was a win in her book. 

 

Later on, after a rest and some work, she'd be going to the obstacle courses to do some more training. She'd still been struggling with the soul-wound that had been the loss of her connection with the Force. Sometimes, the panic she struggled with would come back in spades, with no real explanation.  It was hard to keep up with it, and hard to really control it. It was a conundrum as her connection to the Force helped control it, but often it cut her off from the Force, leaving her blind to the world around her.

 

Slowly, ever so slowly, she was dragging herself out of the hole and pit she'd been in. Taking care of herself, her home, and her loved ones were the ultimate goals.

 

So it's been an interesting few days. I've been very productive goal-wise, but my anxiety has been rough. It's not sustained like it was before, but it's coming in waves instead. 

 

I spent a little bit of time yesterday learning about different kinds of coping methods though. Basically, the two ways to cope with things are by 1) working on managing your emotions or 2) taking an action to help fix the problem. #2 is the best option where you can, but sometimes you can't fix the cause because you either don't know it, or it's not something you have control over. I had some ideas on what I could try, and when I started having issues late yesterday afternoon I took a 5 minute break and unpacked/organized my makeup. It was incredibly soothing and completely calmed my anxiety! It was nice. Hopefully I can try easy cleaning tasks to manage anxiety. And I'm continuing to look for other ways to manage it. Once my "I turn 26 so I get kicked off my parents health insurance and need my own" mess is handled next month, I think I'm going to work on getting into therapy for the anxiety again. 

  • Like 2

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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Dude. We went climbing yesterday and just straight up got a membership?? And it's amazing??? I am absolutely obsessed with climbing. It's my new favorite work out for sure (though I still love dancing!)

 

I've made huge strides just in the couple of times I've gone. I'm conquering fears and getting stronger and braver. Am obsessed! Can confirm!!

  • Like 3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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y'all. I'm so tired of having anxiety. And it's always about the stupidest things, but usually the same things. 

 

Here's some of the mess in a spoiler for length....

 

Spoiler

I'm supposed to be managing social media and an offshore team and all that for part of my job. However, there are a lot of little bits and pieces about social that I just... don't know about. And we have a couple of clients who need quite a bit more attention and my boss was trying to get it off my plate. But this team is iffy and I'm really not built for this. There's a lot of tiny details and I'm really struggling with it. There's always something missed and I always feel stupid. We've had a lot of clients get frustrated, and every time something happens I panic. I'm terrified that I'm going to be fired which is so unrealistic. And even if I did, I'd figure everything out. But I end up having random anxiety attacks every time that comes up. And I don't know how to make it stop. I just want it to stop... I'm tired of feeling randomly anxious at work, I enjoy a lot about my job but this one piece gives me such severe anxiety... I just don't know what to do. I'm constantly stressed and never know what to do or where to go. I don't know if I need therapy or if I need my meds adjusted or what. I don't like it, either way. I'm struggling. The happiest times are when I'm not working and while I don't feel like I need to love work, I shouldn't be having anxiety attacks about it either. 

 

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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19 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:
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What I think you need is for the boss to follow through with getting it off your plate.

 

Spoiler

He actually was talking to a team before I left on my trip that he was hoping to get on board with it, but they wanted more money than he could afford.

 

So I ended up talking to my mom during my panic attack, and she suggested that I just.. talk to my boss about the social media related panic attacks. 

 

I did.  We came up with some ways to help mitigate some of the issues and a possible solution for getting some - and ultimately all if it work- of the social out of my hands. He told me he didn't want me to have to do social anyway because I have talents better used elsewhere. 

 

  • Like 3

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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"You have to get some help, Ailyn," the worried tone of her mother's voice belayed the harsh sounding words. Hanging her head slightly, she nodded. "I don't know what you need, whether it's a medication adjustment or just some help sorting through your own mind, but you need something. You can't keep living like this. You deserve better." 

 

Her mother was right. The panic still came, and it was still debilitating. It was less frequent, and she could recover, but it wasn't great. She'd gone from how she'd been two months ago, to how she'd been six months ago. And while that was better, that still wasn't okay. 

 

"I will... consider calling," Ailyn hedged. She needed to call a master. Someone experienced who could sink into her mind in the Force and help her untangle the knotted threads of thought and feeling that were choking off her balance and her connection to the Force. 

 

"Please do." her mother begged. 

 

After the call, Ailyn reflected. Should she have answered that call to balance? A true Sith or Jedi would not be losing their connection to the Force due to tangled thoughts. She had never been balanced in her life. Was she doomed to live her whole life swinging like a pendulum, never able to touch the Force for more than a day or two?  Was she too broken to balance? She felt too broken most of the time. 

 

Been tired and introspective the past few days. Anxiety has been rough but I've been pushing though.

  • Like 1

Grey Jedi Ranger

Midnight & The Three Dumbigos: Jedi's UA High Holiday Challenge

Jedi Battle Log

“Keep Calm, Carry On, and Don't Freeze Up!”

- Oboro Shirakumo (Loud Cloud), My Hero Academia Vigilantes

Challenges#1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10#11#12#13#14#15#16, #17#18#19#20#21#22#23#24#25#26#27#28#29#30#31#32#33,  #34#35#36#37#38#39#40#41#42#43#44, #45#46#47#48#49#50

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