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Goals:

 

1. Eat breakfast at home daily

  • This seems like it would be easy, but I live next to a Tim Horton's and I'm a weak bitch for iced capps.

2. 2 am bedtime

  • As it stands I don't get enough sleep, I nap constantly and am always tired and if you check the timestamp on this post, it's a little around 4:30 am right now...

3. Yoga once a week

  • I'm not as bendy as I used to be and it's making it harder to do things like tie my shoes, do my job and move in simple ways. Also, decent way to workout that doesn't really mess up my feet more than they already are.

 

I've been terrible at finishing challenges and have ghosted everyone here multiple times. I've got a clue as to why and since it's a bit dark and very likely triggering as all get out it's behind a spoiler tag.

 

Spoiler

My thread title is not only a reference to a pretty great Bee Gees song, but also a pretty dark joke about the current state of my mental health. 

 

4159810.jpg

 

 

But for real, I'll be talking about suicidal thoughts, read at your own risk.

Spoiler

I don't think I've ever talked about this before, and I probably should have at some point in my lifetime, but I've never been terrible invested in staying alive. I don't see any point in it most days, but I also don't actually want to die. I constantly dream of dying in horrible, comical, incredibly fantastical or just downright bizarre ways almost nightly and it has been getting worse and worse as I've gotten older.

 

Covid-19, my mid 30s catching up with me health and fitness wise and the holidays have made this much worse than it has ever been and I spent a solid hour in my bathroom trying to cry silently so I wouldn't wake up my girlfriend or alert either of my roommates that I was an absolute wreck on Christmas Eve. I spent most of that time switching back and forth between going to the ER or going to the kitchen for a knife. And the only reason I didn't do either of those things was that I didn't want to make this year any worse for my family and friends.

 

And what is oddly/hysterically funny is the fact that Facebook has been aggressively notifying me of total strangers commenting on therapy videos for this one specific page on a daily basis for about a month... And despite blocking the page, unfollowing notifications for the video, submitting about a dozen complaints, and reporting the post each day it shows up, the fucking ad shows up again... and again... and again... Which is has made me so incredibly mad I've caught myself winding my arm back for a throw to smash my phone against the wall/floor/ground when I idly check social media to kill time. 

 

So yeah... that's been added to the growing pile of health concerns I'm not dealing with like a responsible adult!

 

Every time I've been excited and motivated to do something good for myself, or do something fun and constructive and I have any kind of tiny slip up (sleeping in, spending too long reading so I run out of time, minor obstacles etc) my brain flips on the "Why bother trying to do <task> it's not like you'll ever actually accomplish anything." switch and then out comes the "Well if you're not going to even try and do <task> then why bother eating, or going to work, or speaking to anyone again? There's a knife in the kitchen, and Sherry and Kristi both have left over heavy pain killers in their rooms that you could take.  The balcony railing isn't that high, Sherry will be asleep soon if you're up for it." and then it spirals from there.

 

This happens a few times a week and it's been a few times an hour for the last week or two. Pretty much the only thing that's been keeping my mind occupied on other things when I'm not at work, or busy out of the house doing things like grocery shopping or being social within my tiny bubble has been reading. 

 

 

A few things that have happened in the last month of 2020:

 

My girlfriend could have died early this month when a large stone in her gallbladder started to shred it's way through her gallbladder at the start of the month. Her surgeon said it was falling apart from the inside out as he was removing it. If she had waited to sort out her sleep apnea before getting her surgery like she was supposed to it might have ruptured.

 

Oh, and she's got the worst case of sleep apnea the entire sleep lab had ever seen. I've been telling her that she has apnea for like 8 years so HA! Called it!

 

On a happier note, I feel like I won Christmas this year for my nieces. Aunt Leigh kicked ass by finding a gigantic dragon squishmallow and mermaid hightops for my niece Blake and gifting my entire Harry Potter book collection to her older sister Olivia. There's even a cute video of Blake losing her tiny 4 year old mind over the squishmallow, screaming at the top of her lungs, slamming the poor dragon onto the floor and literally belly flopping onto it on the floor. It's adorable.

 

And to end off my post, I'm turning 36 on February 1st, right near the end of this first challenge. If anyone wants to get me something, I like memes, and you can post 'em here, or ask me for my phone number if you want to send them directly and get random ones back here and there.

 

 

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48 minutes ago, Leigh said:

This seems like it would be easy, but I live next to a Tim Horton's and I'm a weak bitch for iced capps.

 

I got you, sis (or bro). Moka pot (3 or 6 serving size), and a badass 12-16oz travel mug.  Put 5-6 ounces of ice into the mug while the moka pot is on the stove, pour over 3oz of espresso, fill the rest with cream or milk. (Adjust to taste.)

 

espresso moka GIF

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I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

Past: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6,  #7#8, #9#10, #11a & #11b, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23

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Hey Leigh! And Welcome back.

 

Here are some thoughts. Take what is useful, discard what is not. :)

Spoiler

 

A few of us here have been rediscovering how tied in mental health / mind set and so on are with fitness. 

 

That does not mean you have to feel good before doing the things you mentioned. In fact, I find that taking wins before feeling good is the correct chronoligical order. Especially when you have been in the dark, anything else likely won't feel genuine (...yet). "You are enough" 🌈🦄 is not a magical phrase. 

 

However, it might be good to work on mind and fitness together.

 

That might mean: when you fail with one or the other, DON'T GHOST US :D Come back on here, and evaluate. Does something need to change? Then change the goal. Even if it's within the hour. Does the goal you set sound almost too easy to do? Then it's the right difficulty. You are dealing with some pretty heavy life stuff right now. 

 

If a friend of yours had the exact same life circumstances and thoughts etc. would you beat them up for not achieving their goals right away?

 

The below author/Youtuber has some stuff that seems to work for a lot of people in tough times. Maybe his video(s)/articles will give you a different perspective too, regardless if you are into metal or not.

 

 

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: A Woman Who Conquers Herself is Greater | 
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Thanks guys. 

 

I am into metal so I'll try and check that out if I have some free time when I'm alone. I have a serious lack of alone time at home and this is not something I want anyone at home getting involved in. They are either dealing with enough as it is or the type to negatively flip out in a way that makes things worse. 

 

For the rest of this week I'm just going to focus on food and sleep. And the plan for New Year's Day is to clean my room so I have a semi inviting space to attempt yoga in. The real challenge begins next week when I have to dodge cats while pretending to be Gumby on the Worst Floor in Canada TM.

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5 hours ago, Leigh said:

For the rest of this week I'm just going to focus on food and sleep. And the plan for New Year's Day is to clean my room so I have a semi inviting space to attempt yoga in. The real challenge begins next week when I have to dodge cats while pretending to be Gumby on the Worst Floor in Canada TM.

Think of them as healing gurus... critters that have so much damn love and healing that yes chaos will happen but maybe a time to be mindful on where the heck they gravitate toward to....

 

And for Tim Hortons... I've had it twice and don't think I could say no if I lived next to one also.

 

Here to cheer you on!

And your birthday is 2 days before mine.... how I have never noticed this (or forgotten). 

Aquariuses have to stick together (with our chaos).

 

Hope the next month helps move through the hard times.

(Always happy to see you when you pop in my email despite sometimes missing you here).

 

 Personfied/Comissioned Druid Avatar by EzratheButt

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I am sorry to hear things have been rough :( But I am glad to see you back here again!

 

I never realized our birthday's were so close together. Mine is Feb 8th. 

Chaotic-Neutral, Elven Bladesinger (Apprentice)

Current Stats: STR 11 || DEX 11 || CON 11 || INT 15 || WIS 16 || CHA 12

Goal Stats: STR 14 || DEX 17+ || CON 14 || INT 18+ || WIS 18+ || CHA 14

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily; to not dare is to lose one's self". - Søren Kierkegaard

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Spoiler

Why bother ? I struggle with what’s the point of it all? Why should I get out of bed at all? For me I know it’s partly depression and partly years of abuse. I tried to get to normal, to fit in and be like everyone else and it just didn’t work. So I called it a failed experiment and focus now on finding out what makes me smile. I decided just to enjoy what I could, because why not?  A crazy weird thing that is so simple but really hard to do, is the mirror exercise. Stare at yourself in a mirror and say I love you. I cried just thinking about it, and the first time I did it, but now I see it as a fabulous exercise. I ask my mirror, what is the best thing to do for you today? What is the right thing to do today?  How can I help you, make you happy today? Helped a lot with the stress and anxiety these days (I’m a front line worker).

The art of manliness has some articles on depression and anomie that I found helpful. No idea if any of this might help you but it does help me.

Why bother? Why not?

Just some thoughts on a couple of things  that I have found helpful. I hope you keep trying to hang in there. Food, sleep, good.

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Yes, don't ghost. Write down your thoughts, even if you don't want to evaluate like I suggested. Or talk about something totally unrelated to your goals. 

It's okay if all you think when you read any suggestions is "that's very nice, but I can't right now". Showing up is always the first step. :)

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: A Woman Who Conquers Herself is Greater | 
Battle log

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Bedtime has been achieved about 80% of the time, I'm just crap at maintaining discipline on the weekend when there are good movies or shows to be watched. Breakfast at home has also been good, but I'm finding myself getting snacks before work on auto pilot and I don't seem to notice it until part way through my work day. Yoga has not happened... I open my little app every day or two and check out what poses are in the little set for the day to make sure I know how to do them and my matt is ready to go but I just don't do it. It feels weird to do it with people around me for some reason. Like I don't care if one of my roomates comes into the bathroom to brush their teeth while I'm in the shower but I can't do yoga in my damn bedroom while people are home. It makes no sense at all and there's absolutely no reason to feel weird about it but I do.

 

Also I got totally shitty news today. I've got CAPD. My brain doesn't process audio properly and It seems like I have hearing loss but it turns out it's a software issue not a hardware issue. I can't understand people in even mildly noisy environments. I don't hear people speaking to me if I'm visually focusing on something else and I constantly mishear people when they speak to me. It's like having ADD, Dyslexia and intermittent Autocorrect at the same time. Fuck!

 

 

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It does, it does suck... Upside, you had it before the official diagnosis and you were & are awesome. You take steps to take care of yourself.

Feel free to ignore that sentence if it does not cheer you up. Thanks for checking in.

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Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: A Woman Who Conquers Herself is Greater | 
Battle log

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On 12/30/2020 at 4:27 AM, Leigh said:

my brain flips on the "Why bother trying to do <task> it's not like you'll ever actually accomplish anything." switch and then out comes the "Well if you're not going to even try and do <task> then why bother eating, or going to work, or speaking to anyone again?

Very true - I get into this mindset as well. I don't know how to *not* have an all-or-nothing feeling about things.  When I fuck up and have some cookies, my brain goes, "why bother. just eat them all you already lost" and then it spirals further and further in that direction.    I've also had many times where I've felt like there's nothing enjoyable to look forward to so I mine as well end it.  Not in a, "I can't take this anymore!" kind or way but maybe in a sick sense...just being bored of being alive?  I guess that's kind of how it is.

 

On 1/12/2021 at 11:16 AM, Leigh said:

but I can't do yoga in my damn bedroom while people are home. It makes no sense at all and there's absolutely no reason to feel weird about it but I do.

 

Maybe because it's more of a peace-thing?  I've found there's an awful lot of 'clear your mind' business tied with yoga and maybe people around feels like more of a distraction compared to when you're showering.

 

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Sorry to hear on the news... Its a tough, but at least now you have an explanation (even if it sucks...). Hopefully you are able to figure out ways to work with it (thank goodness for the interwebs). 

 

Looks like sleep and out to eat you are noticing your weaknesses which is the first step! And being able to turn away from a Tim Hortons is high level will power (I find the lines of COVID ended up cutting me off...)

 

Take as you need, just things I've been thinking of (but also understand the feeling of "just nope")

With yoga maybe start with Tai Chi (anyone asks your practicing being a Water Bender), Dynamic Stretching (even Darebee), Dancing in your room to tell them to wake up. 

You used to lift weights right? Restarting working out I realized just doing strength training/dynamic stretches has been waking up muscles that I didn't realize where going tight. Where insteand of "I have to do this" more "What am I willing to do around my roommates?' Maybe stretches in the shower even? 

 

Hope the winter is keeping you just cool enough to not over heat! ❤️ 

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 Personfied/Comissioned Druid Avatar by EzratheButt

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On 1/19/2021 at 11:30 AM, Teros said:

Maybe because it's more of a peace-thing?

 

I think it might be more of a privacy thing. I have had a grand total of maybe 12 hours totally alone at home in the last year or two. Sherry is almost always home, or when she goes off with her mom for a while Kristi and/or Jordan are home. Jordan hasn't really been working since March of last year so he almost never leaves. Kristi sleeps, goes to work and spends 95% of her free time in her room using Discord voice chat loudly and playing video games with her boyfriend and her online friends. And our home is three bedrooms, a bathroom and a kitchen with the minimal amount of connecting hallways. We do not have an office/living room/den at all so there is no place to go to be alone when everyone is home.

 

Jordan needs to go back to work, Kristi needs to have a local social life outside of our apartment and Sherry needs to spend afternoons/evenings with her Mom or her sister and her family once or twice a month. I 

 

7 hours ago, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

What am I willing to do around my roommates?

 

Ha! It's boiled down to scrolling through social media, watching Netflix, playing WoW and folding laundry. I get irrationally angry when they walk into the kitchen if I'm doing the dishes or cooking. I get pissed right the fuck off when they ask to come into my room if my curtain is closed and I'm reading a book. And then they sound suuuper guilty/embarassed/sad/whatever when I say that they can't come in.

 

8 hours ago, Bouncer_the_Lovable said:

Maybe stretches in the shower even?

 

Sadly, we have the world's smallest bathroom. I tried doing that ages ago but there isn't enough space. :(

 

 

I need a raise, my hours restores to pre Covid levels and for the entire household to collectively stop ordering take-out so we can afford a place with three actual bedrooms.

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Sorry to hear about the roommate situation ♡ All I can think off is doing like toe touches and stretches you can do against the wall that require minimal space. Just for it to be SOMETHING until you can do more, you know? and some squats maybe...

 

Not to pressure you, just trying to brainstorm along. :)

 

Your anger is not entirely irrational btw. The privacy thing, I get it. Curtain closed should MEAN something...sheesh. :D

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: A Woman Who Conquers Herself is Greater | 
Battle log

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