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Mad Hatter tries not to self destruct


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I concur! ALL the points!

 

oomf, yeah, priorities in ORDER. 🧐

 

For the first time in ages I heard someome say yesterday "I won't turn the cam on bc I don't have make-up on" and I resisted to go in pep-talk mode and just enjoyed being able to turn off my camera and do as I please. :D

 

 

 

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
Battle log

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On 1/29/2021 at 11:57 PM, Epsilonte said:

Meh, sucks that the therapist really turned out to be a waste of time. :( 

 

But yay for the neighbor friend!! :D 

And money... 😒

 

Yeah! It's awesome having a neighbor!

 

On 1/30/2021 at 12:44 AM, Scaly Freak said:

Yeah, that therapist is definitely not for you. I'm sure it's possible that he might be good with people who have completely different issues, but it seems to my like he didn't understand you and what you wanted to get out of the therapy at all. Good riddance to him!

 

But sucky that you had another shitty experience with therapy. That is bad in every way. Maybe where you live is where all the bad ones congregate? That would be even more sucky, but it would at least explain it.

 

And you get major points for going back there an sincerely trying to give him a second chance, because that cant have been easy. Even more points for making time with good friends who have their priorities in order :) 

Perhaps. Then again, I found that he was barely listening and wasn't moving any of the things I did say forward, instead he kept repeating the same questions over and over and there was no meeting me halfway. Good riddance indeed!

 

Yeah, it's not ideal... The worst part is that while I still do I might benefit from it with the right person, my issues are not constant and it makes it really hard for me. I've had all my appointments online so I don't think location matters that much. And to be fair, the first guy felt more inexperienced and young than bad. At least I felt he was very empathetic and wanted to help, unlike this guy, who was dumping everything on me. And the psychiatrist woman I did like, even if I'm not at all convinced about her diagnosis. 

 

Thanks.  🙂 Appreciated!

 

On 1/30/2021 at 1:22 AM, Elastigirl said:

Hope you have a lovely get away!

Thank you so much, it was!

 

On 1/30/2021 at 9:34 AM, Harriet said:

Sounds like you gave the therapist a fair chance and he's just not very good. Pity. Can you get someone else?

The issue is that the availability of therapists accepting public insurance is near zero. And I am getting quite put off, particularly now that I don't have an urgent problem. I might keep monitoring availability and try one more, but meh.

 

On 1/30/2021 at 6:48 PM, mom2sjm said:

This is how I felt yesterday during my first day of work on a new job.  I rolled out of bed and headed to the district office to drop off my fingerprints.  afterwards I decided to take a walk at a park near my new school just to get a lay of the land.  during the walk the principal calls and asks if I could come in that day instead of on monday because the person I'm subbing for was available for me to shadow.  I explained that I was unshowered and may be wearing a pajama top under my sweatshirt, my hair was tied up under a ball cap...  but I that'd come in if they were fine with my very casual appearance.  They were!  Everyone was so nice and welcoming and very happy I was willing to "come as you are" and I was thrilled to discover that I'll be working with "the best kind of people."  :)  But yeah, on Monday I'm going to be clean and professional...

Haha that's amazing. 😄 I'm very happy you'll be working with awesome people!

 

23 hours ago, Defining said:

oh yeah, time to move on!

 

The 'logical' thing for this is to make a list of pros/cons, but can I make a different suggestion? Flip a coin. If you're ok with the answer, move forward. If you're disappointed in the result you also know how to move forward. :P But in this kind of state, sometimes ruminating over stuff like this is the worst part of the entire thing.

The coin flip trick only works if you can get disappointed by any of the answers, and not decide between the plague or cholera. 😛 I'm not even really thinking about it, my boss said I don't have to decide straight away and in the meantime I'll join in on the upcoming planning meetings and see how I feel.

 

23 hours ago, tei_ said:

Ugh, that therapist sounds awful. I'm sorry that was a bit of a waste, but at least you... are clarifying what you don't want?

 

Being a tourist in your own city is awesome :D

Yes, to start with I would like someone competent. 😉 I realize I won't click with every therapist, but while I don't have much experience, all my research indicates that a big part of a therapist's job is to listen. Which he didn't. Like he didn't even remember key information from the first session. Like the point of me being there. 🙄

 

9 hours ago, Athena said:

For the first time in ages I heard someome say yesterday "I won't turn the cam on bc I don't have make-up on" 

This just makes me a little sad...

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2 hours ago, Harriet said:

Moar green ticks?

As requested

 

Daytime walk                        

Other self care                        

Don’t disappear                         Doesn't really count, I was on "vacation" 😄

 

The stay was great, it was all very silly really. We swam in the pool while getting snowed on, warmed up in the sauna, chit chatted and drank wine in one of the rooms. Well, my preggo friend got a free bottle so I sacrificed myself with a little help from her husband. It was utterly pointless, yet a much needed mental break just to feel something, anything, different.

 

Unfortunately, sleeping on a squishy hotel bed didn't agree with my normally floor sleeping body, and I jammed something in the sacrum area leading to stabby surprise aches. It made for not very fun climbing today. But I'm optimistic it's one of those aches that will go away within a day or two.

 

On a different note, I know it's not the end of the challenge, but I feel like I already accomplished my goal of not self destructing. 🥳 Stay tuned for new goals tomorrow!

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18 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

On a different note, I know it's not the end of the challenge, but I feel like I already accomplished my goal of not self destructing. 🥳 Stay tuned for new goals tomorrow!

Nice!!! :D

Vacation also sounds nice, very relaxing (well except from the bed maybe... ^^)

Previous challenges: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8

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Sorry the therapist didn’t turn out. FWIW, though, it seems like now is a great time to find one you work well with, while you’re feeling good and not having mental barriers to finding help, before another difficult cycle comes around. Even if you don’t follow up with them for a while, it seems like a good idea to have someone in your back pocket who you know will be good for you.

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Training Log | Challenges: Current8th, 7th, 6th, 5th, 4th, 3rd, 2nd, 1st

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On 1/31/2021 at 10:23 PM, Elastigirl said:

Sometimes sillyness is just what we need.

Sillyness is always needed! 😄

 

On 1/31/2021 at 10:27 PM, Waanie said:

images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQtdLM-K092bBIpi-cMv4A

 

YAY!

 

On 1/31/2021 at 10:39 PM, Epsilonte said:

Nice!!! :D

Vacation also sounds nice, very relaxing (well except from the bed maybe... ^^)

It really was, even as a reminder that travel will become a thing again!

 

21 hours ago, PaulG said:

Sorry the therapist didn’t turn out. FWIW, though, it seems like now is a great time to find one you work well with, while you’re feeling good and not having mental barriers to finding help, before another difficult cycle comes around. Even if you don’t follow up with them for a while, it seems like a good idea to have someone in your back pocket who you know will be good for you.

Uggh that is such an obnoxiously sensible thing to say. 😛 But 1) it's extremely hard to find anyone accepting long term patients right now and 2) having someone in my back pocket is not really an option for insurance reasons. Either I commit to it for at least a year or I don't. I have a few months to find someone though, so I'll keep an eye out and maybe give it one more shot.... Maybe.

 

Honestly so far I've gotten more out of watching therapist videos on YT than seeing them myself and it's just so frickin' expensive. The last two sessions cost me 190€ and all I got out of it was a foul mood. How can I commit to something when I have no guarantee of success (what even is success??) and when I'm not in crisis mode. I realize my mood's not permanent, but I also don't want to believe it right now haha. 😛 It's crazy how quickly I forget how bad it was just a few weeks ago. Uggh. I don't know. The only thing I'm sure of right now is that I need to keep better track of my mood, in case things are getting worse so I can arm myself with better data.

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Soooo I kinda bailed on writing down new goals and disappeared. Oops. It's not even big goals, but somehow even the idea of committing to actually trying to do stuff again is a little daunting when it's been such a long time. But I really, really need to get out of this loop because I'm constantly oh so very bored whenever I'm at home. I.e. most of the time. Ironically enough I'm so bored it's hard to even start anything that would unbore me. 

 

On more positive notes

 

1. Today my sacrum pain moved to my left outer hip, meaning I could climb (a little painfully but that's ok) and even walk without looking like I had a literal stick up my butt. 😄 And I flashed a blue problem! They also had a super low grade coordination (aka skippety hoppety) boulder which was really fun because normally they are impossible for me.

2. I moved my teas from a cupboard to a drawer => no more chaos AND they don't fall on my head anymore! Sometimes it's all about the small things in life. 🤣 

3. I lost my phone, again... I kept looking for half an hour, going absolutely insane. My flat's not that big, guys. But that's not the positive thing, the positive thing is that I eventually remembered that find my iPhone exists and it's a lifesaver! I found it in a cupboard. A closed cupboard. Which I have no recollection of even opening. Gaaah!

4. It's a winter wonderland and the sun is heeereee!


Daytime walk                             

Other self care                              Planning, tidying. Yesterday was just a really bad day. 

Don’t disappear                             

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It's almost the end of the challenge but whatevs, I don't care, I'm going to start experimenting with a new set of goals now. Because I can.

 

1. Sit down and make A Plan in the morning. This plan should contain at least one movement and one art or business or similar (non-adulting, this should be fun!) thing on most days. Make cards or some other tool to help/force me decide.

2. Actually start the things in my plan. This could be a warm up, or sitting down at the right spot without distractions. I don't need to finish anything, I only need to get used to starting again. (I don't get how this got so bad...)

3. Take a time out. This could be journaling or gratitude or stretching, or breathing, or listening to music... Make cards for this too.. Basically I want to end up with a physical toolbox for things to do, rather than creating rigid habits which I'll immediately bail on. Maybe even a flow chart eventually - if mood == x do activity y or z

4. Tidy up for one song. When my environment's messy it adds a huuuge chunk of resistance to doing anything in the messy spot if I have to clean up first.

5. Go outside during the day

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Love your new goals, they sound awesome!! And yay for climbing!

 

1 hour ago, Mad Hatter said:

Ironically enough I'm so bored it's hard to even start anything that would unbore me. 

 

Oh I know that feeling and I hate it when this happens. Don't have any great solutions, just: I feel you. 

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Previous challenges: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8

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cheer GIF

 

Goooo Hatter!

 

I just read the Thought of the day: "The process of dealing with ADHD symptoms can really be discribed as the constant tension between overstimulation and understimulation."

 

image.png.49f0807bcb39e7ce7c374c3983c20da3.png

 

Because for neurotypical people, that space between under and overstimulation is a lot bigger, aka the green circle is a lot thicker. The green circle is where one can function best, and use their hyperfocus as a superpower while also managing to take care of themselves. 

 

Thought I'd share 🤔

 

Idk about diagnoses but reading/listening about this topic has really helped me out.

Level ☆ human [uncategorizable]
STR 2 | DEX 3 | CON 2 | STA 3 | WIS 5 | CHA 5
Current challenge: Athena focuses on the physical | 
Battle log

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8 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

It's almost the end of the challenge but whatevs, I don't care, I'm going to start experimenting with a new set of goals now. Because I can.

 

1. Sit down and make A Plan in the morning. This plan should contain at least one movement and one art or business or similar (non-adulting, this should be fun!) thing on most days. Make cards or some other tool to help/force me decide.

2. Actually start the things in my plan. This could be a warm up, or sitting down at the right spot without distractions. I don't need to finish anything, I only need to get used to starting again. (I don't get how this got so bad...)

3. Take a time out. This could be journaling or gratitude or stretching, or breathing, or listening to music... Make cards for this too.. Basically I want to end up with a physical toolbox for things to do, rather than creating rigid habits which I'll immediately bail on. Maybe even a flow chart eventually - if mood == x do activity y or z

4. Tidy up for one song. When my environment's messy it adds a huuuge chunk of resistance to doing anything in the messy spot if I have to clean up first.

5. Go outside during the day

 

I love plans. Plans are great. Starting is also good. It's a good list with sensible things.

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Let cheese and bread and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination.

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On 1/31/2021 at 9:21 PM, Mad Hatter said:

On a different note, I know it's not the end of the challenge, but I feel like I already accomplished my goal of not self destructing. 🥳 Stay tuned for new goals tomorrow!

 

11 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I'm going to start experimenting with a new set of goals now. Because I can.

 

I finished my goals a few days ago, and just like that I lost all my motivation to post in my challenge thread :(  I should have done what you did and set new goals. It's like you're acting like a proper adult and taking charge of what to do with your life!

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4 hours ago, Tobbe said:

It's like you're acting like a proper adult

 

Whoa there. That was completely uncalled for.

 

😄

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Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31

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15 hours ago, Epsilonte said:

Love your new goals, they sound awesome!! And yay for climbing!

 

Oh I know that feeling and I hate it when this happens. Don't have any great solutions, just: I feel you. 

Yay!

 

Yeah it's weird moooood. Which I've been in for weeks, it's often triggered by work but I haven't found solutions to snap out of it yet. Hopefully this brute force approach will help!

 

7 hours ago, Athena said:

Goooo Hatter!

 

I just read the Thought of the day: "The process of dealing with ADHD symptoms can really be discribed as the constant tension between overstimulation and understimulation."

 

 

 

Because for neurotypical people, that space between under and overstimulation is a lot bigger, aka the green circle is a lot thicker. The green circle is where one can function best, and use their hyperfocus as a superpower while also managing to take care of themselves. 

 

Thought I'd share 🤔

 

Idk about diagnoses but reading/listening about this topic has really helped me out.

Hyperfocus while managing to take care of myself is an oxymoron in my world! 😆 The only thing that might pull me out for a second is a case of bursting bladder haha.

 

But yeah it's really hard for me to find that balance.

 

I've been listening to and watching things both on ADHD and bipolar lately because even if I don't have either, many symptoms feel very relatable. And it's just nice to get a different perspective than the one of Mr Obnoxious Productivity Guru who gets up at 4:30am every morning while I can't keep my flat clean for half a day and accidentally hide my phone in cupboards. I've come to realize that I've heard the story of "you must become a robot to become successful" so many times it's really gotten to my head, especially this past year. But that's simply not the way I work. Maybe a diagnosis or ruling things out would be helpful, but on the other hand, if I don't want to take meds maybe it doesn't even matter as long as I can find tools that work.

 

7 hours ago, Harriet said:

I love plans. Plans are great. Starting is also good. It's a good list with sensible things.

Do you have any secrets for starting? You seem to be doing it so well lately!

 

3 hours ago, Tobbe said:

I finished my goals a few days ago, and just like that I lost all my motivation to post in my challenge thread :(  I should have done what you did and set new goals. It's like you're acting like a proper adult and taking charge of what to do with your life!

Adult LOOOOOL 🤣 This has nothing to do with being an adult. This is me trying to come to terms with that maybe my brain simply doesn't function like other people's. Instead of forcing myself to deal with schedules and routines and consistency, maybe I need to learn to become more reactive to my moods and energy and work better with my brain instead of against it? I've failed at almost every challenge, and I've never been able to reproduce a successful challenge twice. I either get bored, or burn out or my mood drops, or something else happens and willpower simply doesn't work, and then I get sad and feel like a failure at being an adult yet again. So a new working theory is that maybe the important thing is not consistency, but that I keep moving in any direction, instead of clinging to stale goals? I had a conversation with @Athena recently where she explained that she needs new systems all the time because they stop working after a while, and it made me think that maybe it's the same thing for me? I've been berating myself so much for jumping from thing to thing and chasing shinies and I've been a bit jealous of people who can do the consistent habit thing. But at the same time, the periods when I get excited about things and do whatever the hell I want are the times when I make the most progress and have the most fun! So maybe I need to foster that trait instead of feeling like garbage because of it?

 

Sorry about the long rant haha, the word adult must've been a little triggering. 😆

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7 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Do you have any secrets for starting? You seem to be doing it so well lately!

 

I assume you mean the last month and not the last week, during which I neglected my tasks, played video games and ate cheese (😛).

 

I don't know. I remember I used to have a lot more trouble getting started with everything. I sometimes forget, because things are different now, but I used to have half hour or hour long struggles with myself trying to get out of bed in the mornings--every morning. That seems frankly absurd to me now. From my ups and downs, I believe it may be physiological, to do with neurotransmitters such as dopamine or other things we don't understand yet. Either I have simply recovered with age-related changes, or else exercise, meditation, prayer and plain old practice are curing me.

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Let cheese and bread and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination.

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4 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I assume you mean the last month and not the last week, during which I neglected my tasks, played video games and ate cheese (😛).

 

I don't know. I remember I used to have a lot more trouble getting started with everything. I sometimes forget, because things are different now, but I used to have half hour or hour long struggles with myself trying to get out of bed in the mornings--every morning. That seems frankly absurd to me now. From my ups and downs, I believe it may be physiological, to do with neurotransmitters such as dopamine or other things we don't understand yet. Either I have simply recovered with age-related changes, or else exercise, meditation, prayer and plain old practice are curing me.

Playing video games and eating cheese sounds glorious to me. 😄

 

Hey the getting out of bed struggle is very real. At least in winter when the bed's so waaaarm and cozy and the outside is not. I only get up because the outside has coffee. 😛

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1 minute ago, Mad Hatter said:

Playing video games and eating cheese sounds glorious to me. 😄

 

Could be worse, could be worse.

 

1 minute ago, Mad Hatter said:

Hey the getting out of bed struggle is very real. At least in winter when the bed's so waaaarm and cozy and the outside is not. I only get up because the outside has coffee. 😛

 

It's never cold in Australia. And it wasn't the fun kind of sleeping in. I would just be like "okay, I'm definitely getting out of bed now. Please?" and the 99% of me that isn't rational, higher-order volition would just be like "you  have no power to compel me".  And the next 30 minutes would  be coaxing and debating and snoozing marbled with guilt and despair.

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Let cheese and bread and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination.

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5 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

So a new working theory is that maybe the important thing is not consistency, but that I keep moving in any direction, instead of clinging to stale goals? I had a conversation with @Athena recently where she explained that she needs new systems all the time because they stop working after a while, and it made me think that maybe it's the same thing for me? I've been berating myself so much for jumping from thing to thing and chasing shinies and I've been a bit jealous of people who can do the consistent habit thing. But at the same time, the periods when I get excited about things and do whatever the hell I want are the times when I make the most progress and have the most fun! So maybe I need to foster that trait instead of feeling like garbage because of it?

 

Maybe you need to figure out what works for you, and do that? :) 

 

If a specific method that has been consistently successful for hundreds of others genuinely doesn't work for you, dismiss it and start working on finding your own way.

 

Or, as my favorite quote generating celebrity once said:

 

Image result for bruce lee adapt what is useful

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Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31

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Just now, Scaly Freak said:

Maybe you need to figure out what works for you, and do that? :) 

 

If a specific method that has been consistently successful for hundreds of others genuinely doesn't work for you, dismiss it and start working on finding your own way.

 

Or, as my favorite quote generating celebrity once said:

Exactly. And accept that something might work for only a short time period, and that the rules change with my mood.

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13 minutes ago, Harriet said:

It's never cold in Australia. And it wasn't the fun kind of sleeping in. I would just be like "okay, I'm definitely getting out of bed now. Please?" and the 99% of me that isn't rational, higher-order volition would just be like "you  have no power to compel me".  And the next 30 minutes would  be coaxing and debating and snoozing marbled with guilt and despair.

I know what you meant. 😕 I've been there too, many times... And sometimes the bed pulled me back even after I finally got up.

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2 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Exactly. And accept that something might work for only a short time period, and that the rules change with my mood.

 

Image result for bruce lee be like water

 

You know I just had to do that ;) 

  • That's Metal 1

Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31

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