Scaly Freak decides to weaponize acceptance

[Scaly Freak]

The creature that is slowly approaching Scalyfreak is magnificent. Graceful and shimmering pearlescent white, like moonlight given shape. It stops some distance away and watches quietly... like several of the demons Scalyfreak has encountered in her journey it does not speak, though the creature's glowing eyes shine with intelligence.

 

A little bit unnerved by being scrutinized like this Scalyfreak slowly readies her shield. The creature is not behaving aggressively, and there's nothing hostile about its body language, but one can never be too careful... when the creature merely watches her, Scalyfreak slowly begins walking away, sideways, so she can keep an eye on it, shield raised but with her weapons still sheathed. There is no need to pick a fight with every creature she comes across after all, especially not one she can't for the life of her identify (though it is familiar in a vaguely annoying way).

 

Those glowing intelligent eyes follow Scalyfreak as she carefully circles around, her hands well away from her weapons and in plain sight, and as she in turn watches the creature. Except the creature is not actually watching her, Scalyfreak realizes, with some surprise. It is staring at something behind her, staring with open hatred, while scraping one very sharp looking hoof repeatedly against the ground. And that gleaming horn also looks really sharp. And it's lowering in a threatening way, and...

 

Scalyfreak is so focused throwing herself out of the way of the charge that the furious roar from somewhere behind her barely registers. Back on her feet and with sword in hand, she finds herself completely ignored and scrambling to get out of the way as Self-Indulgence, in her full demon form, struggles to fend off attack after attack from an enraged unicorn.

 

 

2020 was not a good year for me, for lots of reasons. In fact, when Heidi asked about it in a thread during the recent holiday challenge I described 2020 as “a horrific tragicomedy of disasters arriving like dominoes that fall one by one... each fall preceded by just enough of a pause that you start to relax in the false hope the domino will stay upright after all”

 

In a fit of morbid curiosity I went back through the year and created a timeline of all the bad shit that happened throughout the year, either to me, or to me and Husband. I have put the timeline in a spoiler to make it easy for someone who is trying to avoid exposure to negative news and energies to avoid it, and also because the main reason I decided to write it out was a need for closure.

 

Before you click the spoiler, be aware: I write my challenge posts in Word before posting them, and the content inside the spoiler covered three pages. Also be aware that I am actively involved in local politics and get stressed by political events, so they will be on the list. I ask everyone to please not comment on the politics in this thread. If you have questions, please send a DM.

 

Also note that I have entirely left out anything stress-inducing that is related to, or caused by, my job. My job was not a new thing for 2020, though it remained stressful as usual.

 

Spoiler

 

January

• Husband says goodbye to his soul-destroying job (further details omitted out of respect for his privacy)

• Kobe Bryant dies in a helicopter crash.

• Australia is on fire

• State legislature passes laws that are absolutely horrific for everyone outside the demographic that holds majority power in our state, primarily the LGBTQ+ community.

 

February

• Australia continues to burn

• The virus that later in 2020 was named SARS-CoV-2, also known as Novel Corona or COVID-19, launches it's attack on the world's population

• Due to illness and external circumstances, late February was also the last time I visited the gym and lifted barbells

 

March

• COVID-19 is officially a global pandemic. Husband and I begin self-quarantining early in March, anticipating that the Federal and State government responses will be exactly what they later turned out to be.

• Work from home (WFH) starts. The adjustment is... difficult.

• Governor issues a Stay At home order, effective from March 25

 

April

• Adjusting to WFH massively failed and epic meltdown happened

• Stay At Home order set to expire on the 25^th. It is extended.

• My insurance company fell way behind in processing anything not pandemic-related so it took until April for them to tell me that my therapist wasn't covered any longer. Had to stop seeing my therapist. Also had to pay out of pocket for all sessions from January through April.

• Two family members develop COVID symptoms. Both test negative, but stress levels are high.

• The automated sprinkler system goes online for the year, and is broken

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

 

May

• Extended Stay At Home order expires on May 1^st and the state moves to the first stage of reopening.

• A large number of residents in my state gather in large groups to protest the mask wearing requires in Stage 1. They also protest the restrictions on social gatherings. (These protests will continue and grow progressively more and more aggressive as the year goes on.)

• My employer announces a gradual return to working in the office will begin at the end of the month.

• George Floyd is murdered. The following days are filled with protests, upheaval, and several decades worth of racial tension finally exploding in white USA's face.

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

 

June

• Black Live Matter protests continue. Rioting and looting are carried out by entirely different groups than the protesters, which in turn prompts responses on the state and federal level that prove beyond a doubt why police reform is sorely needed.

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

• Despite a daily increase in new Corona virus infections, our state has moved through all four stages of reopening and carries on business as usual. Masks are encouraged but not required, and businesses are not required to enforce occupancy restrictions or face coverings

  • Starting with late June, the state proceeds to set a new record for most cases in a week, every single week until almost the end of the year.

• My employer announces that things have changed and no one will return to the office until the end of October.

• We discover we have substantial water damage right below our kitchen floor. It extends into a portion of the laundry room.

  • A plumber is brought in to identify and stop the leak.

  • Insurance claim is filed.

  • Main contractor arrives to inspect the damage, and The Great Paperwork Dance begins.

 

July

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

• The kitchen is disassembled. Loss of kitchen means I lost the ability to cook, and cooking was one of my primary ways of managing my anxiety.

  • Everything that's not a fixture or part of a fixture is moved to an alternative location. A lot of it moves into my Dragon Cave, which clutters my off-work sanctuary and makes it less effective.

  • Contractors move our stove, dishwasher, and fridge out of the kitchen, and tear out cabinets, counters, and the damaged floor

  • Very large fans and compressors are placed in the kitchen to dry it out. They block our access to the laundry room and pantry, and are extremely loud. This lasts for about a week.

• Our insurance company forgets to talk to us and to the contractor for over a week. (An annoying reason for delays!)

• The planning phase of rebuilding the kitchen begins (we have to decide on a counter top, a sink, back splash tiles, etc)

• The replacement kitchen floor moves in, but has to acclimate to the house climate for about a week before it can be installed. Floor boards were eventually installed on the last day of the month.

 

August

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

• Kitchen cabinets and counters are reinstalled

• Laundry room floor is removed and the damaged sub-flooring replaced.

• Granite counter tops are installed, along with a sink upgrade. The tile back splash is also delivered and installed.

  • Note: All this kitchen work requires strangers to come and goo freely in my home. This is extremely stressful for me, especially because they keep forgetting to wear masks.

• Refinishing the kitchen floor means we need to refinish all the floors in the entire house – we need to find somewhere else to stay, with our three pets, for 4 days, and booked an Airbnb.

  • While staying at the Airbnb we learned that there was a miscommunication regarding timeline and we have to stay away for an additional four days. Finding an Airbnb that accepts three pets, on that kind of short notice, is not as easy as it sounds... but we managed.

• Chadwick Boseman passed away.

 

September

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

• We moved back home, and everything we own except what we took to the Airbnb places, is in boxes in the garage or in boxes upstairs, and we have to unpack all of it.

• The contractors who moved our furniture out moved it back. In the process of doing so, they dropped a portion of our entertainment center. After setting everything up. The gaming consoles survived the fall... our surround sound system did not.

• Whoever installed our dishwasher didn't connect it properly. It almost caught fire, but we turned it off in time. An electrician was summoned, and he fixed the problem, and confirmed the dishwasher is now safe to use again.

• My upstairs home office has a power outage. I moved work downstairs to the dragon cave for a week while we freed up enough mental bandwidth to deal with it.

• Ruth Bader-Ginsburg passed away. For someone who volunteers for the political causes I do, this is a disaster.

• Our water heater breaks, severely enough that it has to be replaced.

 

October

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

• The US Presidential Election is possibly the most critical one in my lifetime so far, and the anxiety is sky high as a result. (I voted, of course.)

• Despite the worsening Corona virus situation in our state, commercial gyms have been open for several months. October was the month I accepted that I will not be going back for a very long time, and canceled my membership.

• My employer announces that going back to the office is not safe enough (no, really?) and no one is going back before the end of the year, and they will reassess the situation in January

• Our wireless router entirely stops working to the point it needs to be replaced.

• My beloved Regal Sidekick, the affectionate and amazing cat who slept in our bed every night for over 16 years, has a medical emergency that leads to her leaving us. We miss her.

 

November

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse.

• Husband and I both display COVID symptoms, including the dreaded loss of smell for me. All our other symptoms could also be explained by stress, but we go in for testing to make sure. After a few days of high stress, both our tests come back as negative.

• Election Day in the US comes and goes. The incumbent predictably refuses to accept the result, and begins a long and expensive slog of lawsuits, threats, and more lawsuits.

• Our dryer fails in every way possible and needs to be replaced.

 

December

• The overall Corona virus situation in the US is getting worse

• The new dryer arrives, but cannot be installed. The ventilation “tube” that goes from the dryer to the vent in the wall cannot be attached because the vent in the wall is broken. A professional needs to repair it, and the first available appointment is on December 24. (For non-USA nerds: Christmas Eve is treated as a regular work day by a lot of businesses in the US.)

  • Most of the month of December is spent without a working dryer... which means we do very little laundry, since we both refuse visiting a laundromat during the pandemic.

 

Looking at the entire list now, I am very proud of myself for surviving all this without being burned alive by the Flame of Anxiety. I am even more proud that Husband and I survived it together without metaphorically tearing each others' heads off.

 

I am going to leave the list here, in this challenge, as a monument to my own awesomeness, and to remind myself that if I can get through all of that with my sanity intact, there is nothing I cannot do.

 

 

Interestingly, when I saw my doctor for my annual wellness check in early December, he informed me that living through a year that contained all the intensely stressful shit listed in the spoiler has actually lowered my blood pressure. I demanded a recheck, in case the meter was broken, but he insisted that based on the blood work and the health markers they look at, I am at this point in my life at the healthiest I have been since I started seeing him a few years ago. I have no idea how this happened, but it featured very prominently in the gratitude mini-challenge we did over the holidays.

 

As for this upcoming challenge... in one of the last challenges in 2020, I came to the following realization:

 

[O]ne of the biggest reasons for my mental health struggles has been this fight of mine against the reality we now live in. To constantly scream inside my head to the world that "THIS IS UNFAIR AND NEEDS TO END NOOOOWWWW!!" is exhausting, and completely counterproductive. I should have used all that energy and mental capacity to figure out how to adapt to the new reality we live in and will continue to live in.

 

...so that is what I am going to do.

 

Accept the reality in front of me, accept that it will not change. Make it work for me instead of against me. Just like a proper lift is done against gravity but with the barbell, and swimming becomes easier when you work together with the water instead of fighting against it, this new pandemic reality will become easier to live in, if I work with what I have to work with instead of giving in to frustration and resentment over all that I have lost access to.

 

To this end... let the weaponization begin!

 

Sharpen the Mind

Meditation and Mindfulness are the two powerful weapons that will keep the Flame of Anxiety at a low simmer, or lower, and help me face whatever 2021 throws at me with focus and determination. Mediation will therefor be done every day, preferably in the morning. Mindfulness will be applied to every task I can apply it to during the day, from makeup application to cooking to laundry folding, and everything in between.

 

Strengthen the Body

Because the human body is amazing in its adaptability and versatility, this goal has two parts.

 

Part 1:

Build endurance by walking every day. Happy Sidekick will assist towards this partial goal by providing reminders, motivation, and when all else fails she will resort to emotional blackmail by deploying Sad Puppy Eyes until I take her for a walk. (Happy Sidekick is a black labrador retriever. The sad puppy eyes are frighteningly effective.).

 

Part 2:

Increase muscle strength by doing workouts intended to do just that. This can be dumbbell lifting, or a resistance tube workout, or something involving only body weight exercises (including yoga). The type of workout is unimportant. Doing the workouts is what matters. For this goal, I need to do three strength workouts in a week.

 

Focus the Soul

The soul needs feeding and support, and when it is given these things, it becomes a powerful source of strength that can carry us through the deepest of dark moments and hardship. My soul is prefers to be fed a diet of music, all kinds of art (including makeup, cooking, baking, books, and video games), and human contact. It also needs to feel loved and appreciated, and needs to connect to other souls by doing things together, and by receiving and giving kindness in all forms. All of this makes this goal rather vague, but it also makes it very flexible.

 

One very important part of this goal will be to find shared activities with Husband. We used to go out for date nights and date experiences, but with the pandemic still raging through our state, we are choosing to stay home, which means we need to find things to do together here. We have decided to start with something easy: Binge watching shows together. We're currently on season three of Cobra Kai, and season two of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

 

Let 2021 begin!

 

 

 

[Harriet]

Damn, that's a long hard list. Maybe your blood pressure got lower because your heart was exercised by high intensity stress interval training for a whole year.

Yeah, the gap between what is and what ought to be is a major source of consternation. Good luck in finding acceptance without surrender.

 

The goals look good. I wish you many glorious victories in 2021.

 

 

[Scaly Freak]

4 minutes ago, Harriet said:

Maybe your blood pressure got lower because your heart was exercised by high intensity stress interval training for a whole year.

 

It is a bad sign that this made sense to me?

[Harriet]

2 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

It is a bad sign that this made sense to me?

 

Yes, it's always a bad sign if I appear to make sense. As we all know, I am a connoisseur of nonsense, and if I appear to be saying something prudent, it's time for bitter herbs and some bracing cold air.

[Jean]

I'm here for yet more monuments to your awesomeness, of which the way you've handled 2020 totally is (and a very great one)!

 

Just now, Scaly Freak said:

It is a bad sign that this made sense to me?

Understanding is never a bad sign, it is the sense of the Unicorn.

[Renate]

Much love for your title 😊 And your inner strength.

[miss_marissa]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry that every month started with the same statement. You did have quite a challenging year.

[Heidi]

You know I love watching you do your thing.

The mind-body-soul setup is lovely, and I dig the rhythm of it. I'm here to cheer you on.

I believe in you.

🦋

[Catherinitude]

Yikes what a year!  First thing;  politics, yeah the big bad word that makes people explode. I know you asked not to bring it up.  But!  I just want to say thanks. I don't care what your affiliations are, the fact you are passionate enough to be involved .. kudos to you!

 

Now moving right along...  I love the fact that you are accepting things as they are and that things are unlikely to change super fast.   What I love more is the fact your not giving up, but trying to find a way to live with it that is not so damaging to your spirit.

[Scaly Freak]

8 minutes ago, Catherinitude said:

I love the fact that you are accepting things as they are and that things are unlikely to change super fast.

 

Well, I am now... I was fighting and refusing to accept until about the end of October or so.  

 

And you're welcome, on the politics part. I firmly believe getting involved in local politics is my way of trying to make the world a better place.

[darkfoxx]

[sarakingdom]

10 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

figure out how to adapt to the new reality we live in and will continue to live in.

 

2 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

Well, I am now... I was fighting and refusing to accept until about the end of October or so.  

 

I think this makes a massive difference. It's still a bad situation, but it's easier if it's the thing we're fighting, and not the reality of it. I'm super thankful I had just enough Buddhism, Doctor Who, and dystopian cyberpunk to go, "Well, this is the world we're living in, better get my family squared away, stock up on comfy reusable masks that match my work clothes for the next year, a pulse oximeter..."

 

Even that was a hard run, because, as you point out in your timeline, Jesus Christ, what a neverending shitshow on every level. Even the stuff that was good was incredibly bad.

[Scaly Freak]

6 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

 

I think this makes a massive difference. It's still a bad situation, but it's easier if it's the thing we're fighting, and not the reality of it.

 

It really is. I have only been trying this new mindset for about a month, but holy hell what a difference it makes. Definitely recommend.

[WhiteGhost]

2 hours ago, miss_marissa said:

I don't know whether to laugh or cry that every month started with the same statement.

My thoughts exactly.

 

We should probably make sure that D&D stays a thing in 2021  

[sarakingdom]

3 hours ago, miss_marissa said:

I don't know whether to laugh or cry that every month started with the same statement. You did have quite a challenging year.

 

45 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

My thoughts exactly.

 

Buckle up, it's gonna be a 2021 trend, too. (A pharmacist was just arrested for deliberately spoiling over 50 vials of vaccine, over 5000 doses, and using some of them, because he wanted to undermine public trust in the vaccine.)

[Scaly Freak]

1 hour ago, WhiteGhost said:

We should probably make sure that D&D stays a thing in 2021  

 

I second this motion.

[Mad Hatter]

15 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

We're currently on season three of Cobra Kai, and season two of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

TWINSIES!!! What are the odds? 😄

 

My congratulations on not only surviving 2020 but also finding effective tools to combat any future shit shows. 

 

4 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

Buckle up, it's gonna be a 2021 trend, too. (A pharmacist was just arrested for deliberately spoiling over 50 vials of vaccine, over 5000 doses, and using some of them, because he wanted to undermine public trust in the vaccine.)

What the actual fuck?!?!  🤬

[h3r0]

I can always count on Scaly Freak to bring order out of chaos. Bravo and thank you for the inspiration. A lot of your struggles are similar enough to mine that I can take strength from you and use your map to find landmarks in my landscape. 

 

Good luck in your challenge and I know you will crush it! 

 

Not to tell you what you already know and sounds like you are already doing but the circles of influence concept is something that I find really helpful for myself. I know it but I "forget" it, especially if I have been doom scrolling and have to step back and remind myself again to stay 80% in circle #1

 

 

Assorted musings:

I love love love Buffy! 

 

Thank you so much for the "feed the soul". It is what I was doing with my music and outside routine last challenge and grasped the concept but I did not have the language to describe it. I am totally going to steal that and make it a core idea for myself. 

[Heidi]

3 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

What the actual fuck?!?!  🤬

Everytime someone says this I hear a BSG crossover and it has become "What the Galactica Actual???"

[Mad Hatter]

27 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Everytime someone says this I hear a BSG crossover and it has become "What the Galactica Actual???"

Also works.  

[Scaly Freak]

55 minutes ago, h3r0 said:

Thank you so much for the "feed the soul". It is what I was doing with my music and outside routine last challenge and grasped the concept but I did not have the language to describe it. I am totally going to steal that and make it a core idea for myself. 

 

In my world music is more like oxygen for the soul, than it is food, but the concept still applies. By all means steal it if it works for you!

[Mad Hatter]

25 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

In my world music is more like oxygen for the soul, than it is food, but the concept still applies. By all means steal it if it works for you!

I prefer food, as music provides so much more than pure survival. Nutrients and flavours and experiences and connection.

[Harriet]

2 hours ago, h3r0 said:

Not to tell you what you already know and sounds like you are already doing but the circles of influence concept is something that I find really helpful for myself. I know it but I "forget" it, especially if I have been doom scrolling and have to step back and remind myself again to stay 80% in circle #1

 

OOh, that's a nice, detailed diagram. And how did they know about other people's driving?

[h3r0]

1 hour ago, Harriet said:

 

OOh, that's a nice, detailed diagram. And how did they know about other people's driving?

 

At least in Germany they understand the concept of a passing lane and having no need for speed limits on the autobahn 

[Scaly Freak]

Feeing the soul by installing and configuring Sony Remote play on the new computer, so I can play PS4 games without blocking Husband's access to the large TV and by extension to his own computer.

 

Right now I am in the endgame of Persona 5 Royal, and...

 

Spoiler

...we are officially in the matrix. I'm pretty sure there are Reavers around the corner as well.