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Name a completely preventable chronic health condition. Whatever you just thought of, I probably have it. Plus some other ailments for good measure. I am a mess. Some of it is my own doing via poor choices, some of it is a result of poor mental health getting in the way of good choices, some of it is so random the only explanation is that I pissed off a bunch of gods in a past life. The goals I'd had in mind for this challenge are on hold until I get a couple doctor's appointments out of the way. That's certainly in character for me. 

 

Things I will do to work on the healthy thing until I figure out what other bullshit my body has going on:

1. Track food daily. No number goals, just log it all to see where I stand. 

2. Take all my daily medications and supplements as prescribed.

3. Do one meditation session with Insight Timer every day. 

4. Use a warm compress on my eyes twice daily for 15-20 minutes.

5. Brush my teeth and use mouthwash twice a day, plus floss and wear my night guard at night.

 

Appointments I will complain about a lot:

- 2/11: NP for blood pressure questions and also why does my left shoulder hurt

- 2/23: cardiologist

- TBD: MRI to make sure my brain isn't broken (physically anyway)

- TBD: any tests the cardiologist orders

- 3/9: PCP for idk what, probably lectures on being fat and unhealthy

 

If the cardiologist doesn't have anything bad to say I'll probably work in some kind of light exercise or stretching goal, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

 

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Have I ever mentioned that I fucking hate anxiety? I feel like I’m going insane. After my fun ER trip last week I’m like hyperaware of every single sensation that doesn’t feel like it’s normal. But most of these things probably *are* normal for me, I just haven’t paid attention before. Never mind that they did a bunch of labs that all came back normal so while there could technically be something wrong somewhere, as of 5 days ago I was pretty much fine. All that aside, the longer I have to think about the MRI the more I start to freak out that they’ll actually find something wrong with me. It’s super duper unlikely according to the ER doc but gremlins have taken that and run with it. 
 

I did what I could on Monday to try to move things along. I’d asked my doctor if I needed to worry about the permanent retainer glued to my teeth, she said to get it taken out. Called my dentist, they said an orthodontist has to do it and then I need to get it put back in ($$$). Fuck that, my orthodontist retired my sophomore year of high school and I don’t feel like finding a new one right now. Called the MRI department at the hospital, apparently depending on what part of the brain they’re scanning it either won’t be a problem at all or there *might* be a problem but they’ll see what they can do to adjust first before they have me get it taken out. Yay. Because also I really don’t want something that’s been cemented to my teeth for 19 years to suddenly get removed and especially not when there’s a respiratory virus fucking everywhere.
 

Speaking of which, gremlins are also trying to convince me I got covid in the ER. Which is bullshit because I have no symptoms and I doubt the hospital would let anyone with symptoms just mingle with everyone else. But I was there for 10 hours and saw several people doing stupid shit with their masks so anxiety wins. It doesn’t help that my bedroom is eight million degrees because my house sucks so I’m constantly wondering if I have a fever. 
 

god I just want to cry right now. Stress and anxiety just keep feeding off each other and knowing that this is all irrational doesn’t do a damn thing to interrupt it. 

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Here to follow. If it helps, I would probably be in the same brain space you are after all of that. Okay, maybe that didn't help. I know me saying "Flea, no worries, this will all work out" Doesn't actually help, but I am here to listen, to throw chocolate to you in the blanket fort, or to just chill.

So HI.....

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Put on water to boil while I came up to my room to grab instant coffee and instant oatmeal, because that’s how my life is going, and now I just don’t want to go back downstairs. Which isn’t helpful at all. 
 

this MRI is turning into a clusterfuck. Yesterday I get a message from a nurse saying my doctor says I need the retainer out. Message back and say okay I’m on it, but can she put in the orders now so I can get it scheduled and don’t have to wait a long time. Get a response to that message this morning, “please see dr’s message - ‘can you see if flea got the retainer taken care of? I can’t put in orders until it’s out.’” I’m sorry, does she think I just rolled up to an orthodontist and got it all done in an hour? Email the nurse back saying I sent a message last night, repeat everything in that message, give her the name and phone number of the person I spoke to. And goddammit as I’m writing this I’m wondering why the fuck I didn’t just say “yep it’s taken care of” and leave it at that. (I know why, it’s childhood programming, but still.)

 

christ I really hope sorting out my actual health issues will help with the health anxiety. I’m so tired of the back and forth of “this is probably nothing... but what if it’s not.”

 

8 hours ago, Bean Sidhe said:

Here to follow. If it helps, I would probably be in the same brain space you are after all of that. Okay, maybe that didn't help. I know me saying "Flea, no worries, this will all work out" Doesn't actually help, but I am here to listen, to throw chocolate to you in the blanket fort, or to just chill.

So HI.....

All of this does help. Literally, having people who are sane tell me “I’d feel the same way” and “it’ll be fine” is grounding. Doesn’t do much about the gremlins but it’s a little thread of sanity still. 
 

I don’t know why but I’m imagining me wrapped up in a blanket and you just throwing chocolate at my head and it’s making me laugh. Pretty sure that’s not what you meant. 
 

6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Hey Flea.  I'm sorry anxiety is being poo. I'm here to walk alongside you.

❤️ I appreciate you

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I understand. It is helpful to get the physical stuff straightened out. (Last summer, is it an embolism or anxiety? CT scan ruled out embolism. Ok, shortness of breath is just anxiety, yay.)  Then it is one less thing to worry about. 
Hang in there.

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5 hours ago, fleaball said:

I don’t know why but I’m imagining me wrapped up in a blanket and you just throwing chocolate at my head and it’s making me laugh. Pretty sure that’s not what you meant. 

Here to throw chocolate at your head too :D 

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

All of this does help. Literally, having people who are sane tell me “I’d feel the same way” and “it’ll be fine” is grounding. Doesn’t do much about the gremlins but it’s a little thread of sanity still. 

Keep holding onto that thread of sanity. As an observer, I can confirm that your living situation is diabolical and it's no wonder you're struggling. Heck, even I've been struggling recently and there is nothing wrong with my situation, but getting out of town and away from my daily life worked wonders. It's no wonder anxiety is being a b*** considering who you live with and all the other covid madness that is affecting your day-to-day life. 

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Jesus Christ I quit. While in therapy I get a call from my doctor’s office. I literally do nothing all week except during this one hour and that’s when they call. Get a message online “the doctor tried to reach out to you but didn’t get a response. She’d be happy to order an MRI. What body part needs to be scanned?” Bruh. Did none of the previous messages even fucking happen? So then I went through the whole thing recapping the ER visit again and suggesting they check the notes from the doctor there. Communication is not this doctor’s strong point istg. 
 

In other news, my father had a chunk of frozen ground beef on the kitchen counter to defrost. He was pissed when I told him you never do that. I should have just let him poison himself. 

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6 hours ago, fleaball said:

In other news, my father had a chunk of frozen ground beef on the kitchen counter to defrost.

My mother did this our entire childhood...when I went into food service i realized what a bullet I dodged

 

here to help you catch the chocolate being thrown your way ;) 

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Who's a petty bitch? Flea's a petty bitch. I was poking around the hospital portal thing trying once again to find where it says I have hypertension (uhh I found it and it said it was added as a condition in September 2019?? NO ONE TOLD ME THIS.) and found that I could read the doctor's notes from my ER visit. It happened to say specifically something like "recommend MRI to rule out blah blah blah" so I cut and pasted it into a message to my doctor and that nurse saying "hey I found this while I was looking for something else hope it helps" since I'd already explained three times that I'd been to the ER and they wanted to do this scan to follow up on that specific issue. I'm also just really pissed about the hypertension thing because y'all know if I was officially told I had it I would have bitched about it here for days. 2019 was the doctor I loved who had to leave, which makes it even more frustrating. It won't tell me who added it though, so I can't say whether it was her or the NP I hate or someone else entirely. JUST KIDDING I went back and looked at my appointment history and apparently the GI guy added it when I first saw him??? What the hell? Jesus I don't even know what to do with this information now. Fuck me. 

 

I had other things to say but now I'm just caught up in worrying about how I'm going to deal with my appointment that's in 12 hours because I'm sure she's going to be judgy (how the fuck do you spell that it's too late at night rn) and i'm going to feel dumb. and also she told me 4 weeks ago I should lose 5 pounds in a month which I don't think it hit; I don't particularly care personally but there's that whole ingrained fear of failure and not doing what i'm told sooooo. also also, when I saw her a month ago she said I should be exercising for an hour a day. lady you want me to literally go from 0-60? hard pass. my plan was to wait and get the okay from my doctor at the appointment last week but i cancelled that so ugh. and now I'm not entirely trusting of what this lady will say about exercising with my blood pressure being the clusterfuck that it is. 

 

seriously. fuck my entire life. 

 

right. bedtime. ugh.

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No one ever told me I have hypertension, so I have no clue if I do. Years and years ago though, I had an eye doctor ask if I had it. It was one of those taking pictures of you eyes things to check for all that.  Back in 2013, I had many worries about my heart being ok to do exercise. I assumed I was so big it was probably not going to be able to handle it. I did ask my doctor though. She told me I would be ok. If I felt at all worried though, she would totally get me on the treadmill with the ekg and stuff all hooked up. It was good enough to just hear her say I would be fine though.

 

My wife has been in the process of getting possible weight lose surgery. I've heard her have to repeat the story of anything so many times. Can someone take some notes already, then read them before the call?

 

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this anxiety over all this.  I certain understand how frustrating a lot of this can be. I hope things can get better as you get through more of the appointment.

 

 

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Started a post on my computer and then had to leave to get groceries. And then decided to get other errands done while I was out. Holy fuck how did I do Lyft for 2.5 years without going insane when no one in this goddamn state knows how to drive????! Seriously what the fuck. RIP my blood pressure right now jesus. I’m overreacting a bit right now, I think I’m hangry. But still people seriously suck. Like stop signs are just for decoration and 4-way intersections are a free for all. Yielding at a rotary? Pfft. Raaaaaaah. 
 

also, fun times at the doctor earlier: the nurse who took my vitals and then came back to draw blood was a native Arabic speaker and saw my tattoo. First she asked if it was my name (I’ve never heard of it being a name before?), then she asked why I had that tattoo, and then she started talking to me but her accent wasn’t one I’m used to so I think she though I was dumb. I want to say she was from the UAE? So yeah. That was fun. Never mind the fact that it doesn’t matter how good I am at a foreign langauge, if you start talking to me in not-English when I’m not expecting it, my brain short circuits and it takes me a minute to catch up. So I kept asking her to repeat herself. And she asked “how are you?” And I answered “good” the way everyone did in Jordan and she clearly did not recognize the word so yeah that was extra fun. Now I feel dumb even several hours later, when I know there’s no reason to be. Probably actually coming from some kind of guilt and other negative feelings about not keeping up with Arabic. But that’s a whole other issue for another post. 

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Well today was a waste of a day. She was half an hour late seeing me which I didn't think was a thing anymore with covid but hey. Started talking about blood sugar which was not why I was there. BP-wise she said taking walks or doing gentle yoga won't kill me, but I should probably ask the cardiologist all the other questions I had. Awesome. She did start me on a very low dose of a BP med just to see what it does. On one hand, boo meds. On the other hand it will probably give me a little tiny bit of reassurance that my brain isn't going to explode. So long as I don't read the pamphlet that comes with it and outlines all the possible side effects. As for my left shoulder hurting all the time and thus not concerning me enough to think I needed to go to the ER, the answer was basically ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. She said she could give me a PT referral but meh. 

 

I'm home now, with groceries, a water filter, a magic bullet, prescriptions, and Fat Kitty treats. I hate running errands so much ugh. But now I'm good for a while so there's that. I didn't actually get anything to make smoothies because the freezer is too full right now and it's actually a lot of my stuff, so I need to cook a few things to clear out some space. Should be able to use some stuff up before next week's grocery order. 

 

Holy shit now that I'm home and sitting down I just realized I'm exhausted. Guessing I used way too many spoons today. Who knows, maybe I'll get to bed early and start sleeping like a normal human?

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Aw man. She tested my B12 today because apparently metformin can make it go low. 

 

My result? 

 

665.

 

so close.

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36 minutes ago, fleaball said:

So long as I don't read the pamphlet that comes with it and outlines all the possible side effects

Haha yeah don't read the pamphlet. Almost as bad as googling symptoms (because as we know, all symptoms point to cancer and/or death if we ask google)

 

40 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'm home now, with groceries, a water filter, a magic bullet, prescriptions, and Fat Kitty treats

Lol, does other kitty not get treats?

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Just now, Owlet said:

Lol, does other kitty not get treats?

oh he totally does. but FK gets prescription joint supplement treats because he's old and arthritic, so I had to get them from the vet. boobcat just gets regular treats that we can pick up anywhere. So the complaint there that was obvious to me, but not anyone else since you don't live in my head, is that I had to go to the vet just for those while I was out and it's annoying lol

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On 2/9/2021 at 2:42 AM, fleaball said:

Do one meditation session with Insight Timer every day. 

Maybe I'll see you on there one of these days. Not that I would know it was you! But daily engagement with it is one of my goals as well. It wasn't too many years ago that I essentially got in a year straight...and then fell off the wagon. What kind of meditation do you practice?

 

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All of this getting healthy bullshit would be so much easier if I could get some kind of road map. I’ve lamented before that all of my issues are interrelated and it’s hard to fix any one thing without also having to fix something else at the same time. I wish someone could tell me with reasonable certainty, “hey, focus on this thing first. When you get to X milestone, switch to thing 2. This is going to be a pretty efficient way to get it all done.” Obviously the world doesn’t work like that and if anyone actually had this superpower we’d know by now. Or like, if we could actually see our stat points. Tell me how much more exp I need to level up or what side quest I need to do to unlock some booster or whatever. 

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16 minutes ago, Mahalak said:

Maybe I'll see you on there one of these days. Not that I would know it was you! But daily engagement with it is one of my goals as well. It wasn't too many years ago that I essentially got in a year straight...and then fell off the wagon. What kind of meditation do you practice?

 

I have no fucking clue what I do lol. My usual MO is open the app, go "hmm, this one sounds interesting" and just run with it. Once upon a time I was using Headspace on a daily basis for months and I think that was all mindfulness meditation? And on Insight Timer I really don't have a plan right now, kinda just working on the habit and then I'll figure out what to do from there I guess?

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On 2/9/2021 at 12:35 AM, fleaball said:


 

I did what I could on Monday to try to move things along. I’d asked my doctor if I needed to worry about the permanent retainer glued to my teeth, she said to get it taken out. Called my dentist, they said an orthodontist has to do it and then I need to get it put back in ($$$). Fuck that, my orthodontist retired my sophomore year of high school and I don’t feel like finding a new one right now.

 

Ok I suspect it depends on the dentist, but my dentist removed my glued in retainer for me just fine.

 

On 2/10/2021 at 10:29 AM, fleaball said:

Jesus Christ I quit. While in therapy I get a call from my doctor’s office. I literally do nothing all week except during this one hour and that’s when they call. Get a message online “the doctor tried to reach out to you but didn’t get a response. She’d be happy to order an MRI. What body part needs to be scanned?” Bruh. Did none of the previous messages even fucking happen? So then I went through the whole thing recapping the ER visit again and suggesting they check the notes from the doctor there. Communication is not this doctor’s strong point istg. 

 

We dealt with so much of this with my mom. They'd half answer your question and then ask you for information that was in a previous message. It's so frustrating! 

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2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Regarding BP meds, I'm on Losartan and Amlodipene and neither of them are jacking with me. 

That’s reassuring. She’s putting me on lisinopril. And like, I know that not everyone gets side effects from medication - I honestly don’t think I’ve ever experienced any from anything except the prescription naproxen that knocked me the fuck out. But still, if I read the list of potential side effects and the the warnings, I’ll just sit around waiting for them to take hold. Literally if they said “during the trial for this drug someone was eaten by a shark while swimming across the Pacific Ocean but we don’t think it was related,” I will resign myself to being imminently eaten by a shark several thousand miles away from my location. Because it was on the list. 
 

1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

Ok I suspect it depends on the dentist, but my dentist removed my glued in retainer for me just fine.

Yeah it sounded kinda weird to me, but the receptionist did go ask the dentist who owns the practice and she said no. Could maybe be a covid thing too? Idk.  Honestly though if they had said “okay we’ll do it” I probably wouldn’t have called the MRI department and found out it was fine, so I’m not gonna complain. 

 

1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

We dealt with so much of this with my mom. They'd half answer your question and then ask you for information that was in a previous message. It's so frustrating! 

omg yes. I know doctors are notoriously overworked in general and right now things are constantly changing with covid, but holy shit if you take an extra thirty seconds to read carefully it will save so much time versus going back and forth constantly. And it really makes me feel bad for people who are going through treatment alone and/or may not be assertive enough to deal with this stuff so they just give up. 

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I think Lisinopril was one I use to take with my old doctor. I would get light headed if I stood up quickly sometimes. Nothing too severe, just from time to time I'd get up and go "woah" Otherwise, I don't think I noticed anything. Hell, it could have been a side effect of anything really haha

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