Heidi: Equinox Equipoise

[Heidi]

Hey y'all. It is time to shake the cobwebs off.

I've been depressed and weary since September, and I'm tired of it.

I've been overworked and run ragged by legal shenanigans. My personal boundaries have stood up to some serious fence-rattling on nearly every front. The move back to the town wasn't my favorite and it's left me feeling dislocated and isolated. 

 

The recent conference totally wiped me out but I learned something very important: I love what I do and I'm really good at it.

I had forgotten both pieces, and it was a lovely reminder from the Universe about pointing my energy in directions that restore me and make me feel alive. I have been so desolated that I couldn't even describe the living death I had been in (and could return to at the drop of a hat, if I'm honest). Expect music, movies, and musings on what restores me. I'm too depleted to do anything else.

 

This challenge is about claiming my space: physically, spiritually, emotionally.

I don't have to prove anything anymore.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Spirituality is that which comes from outside of ourselves that restores us and gives us strength.

Your spirit needs nourishment.

Here's a snack

 

 

[Heidi]

47 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Spirituality is that which comes from outside of ourselves that restores us and gives us strength.

Your spirit needs nourishment.

Here's a snack

 

 

Outside with headphones, dancing in the yard and not sorry one bit.

[Heidi]

Happy but tired from the Creative Immersion with a friend. The album has eight tracks identified with a theme and most of the songs have beginnings for lyrics and each one has a sound palette. Shared spreadsheets are a like a bat-belt.

 

I have a rough (really rough) beginning for the Tuesday paper, and my other professor wrote to tell me to take an extra week for the paper introduction. He thinks it's going to be amazing.

 

There's a possible proposal for a conference in the wings. The conference is online, in May after classes end. It's a favorite conference, but might be too much. The proposal is due tomorrow, so it might get bumped.

 

Resting now.

 

[Heidi]

Was a few minutes into the rest and realized the sushi was hours and hours ago. I chopped some romaine and carrots, crumbled a hard-boiled egg, and added cranberries. I tossed the whole thing with a roasted garlic and rosemary vinaigrette, then sprinkled a few croutons on top.

 

A big glass of milk and the final episode of American Gods to go with it and I'm calling that dinner.

[DarK_RaideR]

I believe you, but I'm still here to watch.

[Renate]

4 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I believe you, but I'm still here to watch.

Same!

[Heidi]

6 hours ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I believe you, but I'm still here to watch.

*FistBump

Grab a chair.

Pour some tea.

Shades recommended.

1 hour ago, Athena said:

Same!

😎

 

Welcome to Aries season!

My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?

That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

 

[Heidi]

4 hours ago, Heidi said:

My world's on fire, how 'bout yours?

Translation: my paper is due today, not tomorrow.

 

The proposal requirements are buried under All of this, so chances are radically diminishing that I'll be applying.

 

Also, I just had an excellent conversation with my attorney. That woman is a gift from God.

[Heidi]

42 minutes ago, Heidi said:

Also, I just had an excellent conversation with my attorney. That woman is a gift from God.

Ok.

Confession time.

The conversation with the attorney revealed that (surprise!) I'm angry about a few recent events, and I'm fed up with the whole process. Five years of this crap.

Five years.

 

When I got off the phone and picked my paper-in-progress back up, my emotions crashed like a new case of Windows hitting the street.

 

So.

So I'm sitting with the anger and the hurt and the frustration. The weariness.

 

I am strong enough, centered enough, and whole enough to sit with this, and that's new. That is the difference between now and then.  I have a community to reach out to (and I did), and a very real understanding of my integrity. This, too, is new.

 

A few challenges ago, I mentioned that this wasn't a war or even a battle; this is an origin story. Today I'm sitting in the beginnings of the end of that tale. I don't know the details of the closing scenes, but I know the character of my character very well indeed.

 

Thanks for being along with me.

My journey is solitary, but I couldn't do it alone.

Solidarity, Friend.

❣️

 

[Heidi]

Emotional work is work.

I'm exhausted.

Just emailed the professor asking for an extension.

Fingers crossed, and I'm heading to a nap.

[Heidi]

Extension approved.

Napping now

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Glad you got the extension, I hope the nap helps.

I just saw this and thought you might like it.

I'm with Camus on this one.

[Heidi]

Yep:

[DarK_RaideR]

I'm with Wittgenstein and people still misunderstand Marx. Also, Plato is hella buff, bruh.

[sarakingdom]

1 minute ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I'm with Wittgenstein and people still misunderstand Marx. Also, Plato is hella buff, bruh.

 

I'd have a lot more chicken enchiladas if I owned the means of production.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, DarK_RaideR said:

I'm with Wittgenstein and people still misunderstand Marx. Also, Plato is hella buff, bruh.

Like XKCD, this webcomic has hovertext.

For this comic its:
"Actually Wittgenstein there is a clear difference, enchiladas have sauce on top and are eaten with a fork"
"Ah, well, nonetheless though..."

[Scaly Freak]

On 3/21/2021 at 2:38 PM, Heidi said:

I don't have to prove anything anymore.

Don't believe me? Just watch.

 

...and you'll prove it? 😵

[Heidi]

12 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

 

...and you'll prove it? 😵

There is no proof.

There is only Truth.

😎

 

This morning I woke feeling rested but low energy.

I don't have a lot of reserves. Emotional work is *work* y'all.

 

I talked with my sponsor, who is brilliant and amazing and who has the added bonus of being a mental health professional. I talked about letting myself be genuine about my anger and frustration.  We ended up talking a bit about my childhood and my ACE score (minimum 7, possibly 9 depending on how you look at it) and how resilient I am (which I always forget about since it never seemed optional).

 

I have a tendency to say, honestly, "I don't care what the answer is as long as it's the truth. I can deal with anything as long as I know what it is."  This is apparently very rare?

 

When an attorney is working with a client, her main job is to figure out how dishonest and-or delusional her client is. So let's all pause for a minute in gratitude for my attorney, who is a paragon of critical thinking and integrity, and whose commitment to my case has only strengthened over time.

 

I'm very low-key today, and the paper still isn't done. I was able to work on it some this morning between calls, but my brain my be too tired for much more just yet. It will all get done, but there will be small steps and naps in between. This is the Way. The biggest motivation I have at this moment is having it off my plate, and that's not a bad focus at all. I have the research done and a draft of the analysis; when I write it like that it seems ridiculous that I can't assemble it and deliver it in a snap. But well-crafted analysis is an art. So. Small steps and naps in-between.

 

This is enough.

I am enough.

May you have peace this day.

[TheGreyJedi-Ranger]

3 minutes ago, Heidi said:

This is enough.

I am enough.

May you have peace this day.

This is lovely ❤️❤️ 

[Heidi]

I opened the paper just to add the bibliographic information. I ended up inserting the quotes that go with the references in their various relevant locations. Then it seemed prudent to tweak the language a bit so that I could remember why I had bothered to identify that quote in the first place (#TBILife). By the time I was done, I had most of the paper written which is great but it was twice as long as it was supposed to be (#PhilosopherProblems).

 

I tidied it up by relocating the sentences for the introduction and conclusion and then closed it up and took the dog for a walk. Writing short analysis pieces is an elegance of craft, an I needed some perspective.

 

While I was out in the walk, I thought about the elements of my analysis, wondering which one I would take as the focus, expanding it slightly, and tabling the rest.

 

And at the end of the walk it hit me: this is an analysis in three parts. I have three analysis papers due this term. I have just done the work for all of them.

 

Hot damn.

 

Still need to rest before I tackle this next piece, but I feel more solid than I have in a week or two.

[Scaly Freak]

23 minutes ago, Heidi said:

And at the end of the walk it hit me: this is an analysis in three parts. I have three analysis papers due this term. I have just done the work for all of them.

 

Hot damn.

 

Niiice! This is quite awesome.

 

Now, this is not a sign from the universe that you should take on another project or three. Just so we're clear. 😛 

 

That doesn't make it any less awesome, of course. Just... use the unexpected free time in your future to give Future Heidi some well deserved rest and free time.  

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

3 hours ago, Heidi said:

I opened the paper just to add the bibliographic information. I ended up inserting the quotes that go with the references in their various relevant locations. Then it seemed prudent to tweak the language a bit so that I could remember why I had bothered to identify that quote in the first place (#TBILife). By the time I was done, I had most of the paper written which is great but it was twice as long as it was supposed to be (#PhilosopherProblems).

 

I once wrote a five page paper in Seminary with a very specific title. The professor commented on how well I had framed the paper with the title. My response was "You only gave me five pages. I had to narrow the focus."

[Teros]

6 hours ago, Heidi said:

"I don't care what the answer is as long as it's the truth. I can deal with anything as long as I know what it is."  This is apparently very rare?

After my life experiences and internships on the therapist-side, I can say 'yes.  yes it's rare'.

 

 

[Heidi]

5 hours ago, Scaly Freak said:

Now, this is not a sign from the universe that you should take on another project or three. Just so we're clear. 😛 

Aye, aye, Cap'n!

The only thing I'm signing up for is more Netflix.

 

Nope, didn't send in the presentation proposal, either.

 

I went to class and I'm spent. The paper rewrite will get done after a nap, which might mean tomorrow. Life is what it is.