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[Mad Hatter] All or Nothing


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2 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

I'm eating banana bread as we speak, is this acceptable?

 

I'm a proponent of cultural diversity in cake.

I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

Past: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6,  #7#8, #9#10, #11a & #11b, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23

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5 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Works great! As long as you follow the instructions, there's an unfortunate amount of fail videos floating about haha.

 

The bonus of living alone is that I can do ridiculous things like having toys instead of furniture without compromise.

 

I don't even use the desk for work, I use for drawing. When it happens... Now it's mostly for storing piles. 

 

Haha, luckily I have a partner who is up for unconventional uses of spaces - we look at houses and say, "oooh, we could hang the rings there!" One day...

 

I forgot to ask re: social media limits - does Freedom have an "allowance" option (e.g., you may be on these sites for up to 50 min.), rather than a scheduling option? It's one of the premium features of Cold Turkey and sounds like an alternative to scheduling that might work better for you!

-:- THE LIONESS -:-

Challenge 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 2.5, 2.6, 2.7, 2.8, 2.9, 2.10 

 

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I've been mighty tired this week, hence the lack of reports. It only really clicked as I was following along some discussions around here and realized I've been too tired to join in the past few weeks. My default mode is typically to butt in for the fun of it (even if I don't have anything useful to say haha) so that made me go "huh, that's odd". I've also been super crabby because of poor sleep and annoying code problems, and yesterday I took it out on my friend at work because he had changed a thing and I had to, like, press an extra button. Leading to an hour long discussion on why this extra button press is the end of the world. 🙄 

 

Today I had a really nice day though. I went into the office, which I haven't done since... March, except to pick a thing or two last summer, and it was super nice! There was only five of us there, and it was such a good vibe. We had some great discussions, and it made me realize just how much you miss out on video calls. A huge problem is that it changes the way conversations naturally flow, and you can't exactly start spontaneously drawing on a whiteboard to explain things. (There is software for this but it's not the same) And of course it's infinitely nicer to see people in person! I might try and not be so lazy and head in once a week or so. When the weather's nice and I can walk like today. 🙂

 

As for training, I did backbends once and I believe that's it? The climbing gyms opened back up today though, so that's exciting! 

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7 minutes ago, Alanna said:

Haha, luckily I have a partner who is up for unconventional uses of spaces - we look at houses and say, "oooh, we could hang the rings there!" One day...

 

I forgot to ask re: social media limits - does Freedom have an "allowance" option (e.g., you may be on these sites for up to 50 min.), rather than a scheduling option? It's one of the premium features of Cold Turkey and sounds like an alternative to scheduling that might work better for you!

Nice!

 

It doesn't. I've tried it in the past though and while I like it in theory, in practice it leads to annoyance and things always shutting down at exactly the wrong moment! This sometimes happens when scheduling too, but less often. Another issue I find is that it doesn't prevent from me picking up the phone in the "gaps", like the minute in the queue or whatever. I really dislike the habit of picking up the phone many times a day for no good reason, and not having any default things to click on really helps. 

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8 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

It only really clicked as I was following along some discussions around here and realized I've been too tired to join in the past few weeks. My default mode is typically to butt in for the fun of it (even if I don't have anything useful to say haha) so that made me go "huh, that's odd".

I feel you. It has been a really tiring week/month/year so far... 

 

The day at the office sounds lovely! And yaaaay climbing gyms! Are they open for real or with appointments again? So can you see all your friends there?

Challenges: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, 13, 1415

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18 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

I've been mighty tired this week, hence the lack of reports. It only really clicked as I was following along some discussions around here and realized I've been too tired to join in the past few weeks. My default mode is typically to butt in for the fun of it (even if I don't have anything useful to say haha) so that made me go "huh, that's odd". I've also been super crabby because of poor sleep and annoying code problems, and yesterday I took it out on my friend at work because he had changed a thing and I had to, like, press an extra button. Leading to an hour long discussion on why this extra button press is the end of the world. 🙄 

 

Today I had a really nice day though. I went into the office, which I haven't done since... March, except to pick a thing or two last summer, and it was super nice! There was only five of us there, and it was such a good vibe. We had some great discussions, and it made me realize just how much you miss out on video calls. A huge problem is that it changes the way conversations naturally flow, and you can't exactly start spontaneously drawing on a whiteboard to explain things. (There is software for this but it's not the same) And of course it's infinitely nicer to see people in person! I might try and not be so lazy and head in once a week or so. When the weather's nice and I can walk like today. 🙂

 

As for training, I did backbends once and I believe that's it? The climbing gyms opened back up today though, so that's exciting! 

 

I hope your weekend is rejuvenating and you feel less tired and grumpy next week. Sometimes buttons do just feel like the end of the world though.

Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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9 minutes ago, Epsilonte said:

I feel you. It has been a really tiring week/month/year so far... 

 

The day at the office sounds lovely! And yaaaay climbing gyms! Are they open for real or with appointments again? So can you see all your friends there?

Indeed. Though now I remember that on Monday I went through a full on work day, but still somehow had lots of energy to do things afterwards! It was so weird. Lately I feel absolutely wrecked after each day.

 

For real! 😍

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2 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I hope your weekend is rejuvenating and you feel less tired and grumpy next week. Sometimes buttons do just feel like the end of the world though.

Thank you! I can't wait, we're going to do a little may day celebration somewhere. 😍

 

LOL true. Luckily it's my friend and he can tell when I'm in a mood and I can just apologize after I poured it all out. 😛 

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3 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Thank you! I can't wait, we're going to do a little may day celebration somewhere. 😍


may day! yay!

What are you going to do?

Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

I've been mighty tired this week, hence the lack of reports. It only really clicked as I was following along some discussions around here and realized I've been too tired to join in the past few weeks. My default mode is typically to butt in for the fun of it (even if I don't have anything useful to say haha) so that made me go "huh, that's odd". I've also been super crabby because of poor sleep and annoying code problems, and yesterday I took it out on my friend at work because he had changed a thing and I had to, like, press an extra button. Leading to an hour long discussion on why this extra button press is the end of the world. 🙄 

Ahaha, aw. Hope the weekend is restorative. 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Today I had a really nice day though. I went into the office, which I haven't done since... March, except to pick a thing or two last summer, and it was super nice! There was only five of us there, and it was such a good vibe. We had some great discussions, and it made me realize just how much you miss out on video calls. A huge problem is that it changes the way conversations naturally flow, and you can't exactly start spontaneously drawing on a whiteboard to explain things. (There is software for this but it's not the same) And of course it's infinitely nicer to see people in person! I might try and not be so lazy and head in once a week or so. When the weather's nice and I can walk like today. 🙂

Video calls are laaaaame. I also went into the office this week and despite having been pro-in person interactions forever, still had forgotten how much more you can pick up and notice in person. 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

As for training, I did backbends once and I believe that's it? The climbing gyms opened back up today though, so that's exciting! 

That is exciting! 

Raptron, alot assassin

67666564636261605958 575655545352515049484746454443424140393837363534333231302928272625242322212019181716151413121110987 | 6 | 5 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 1

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10 hours ago, raptron said:

Video calls are laaaaame. I also went into the office this week and despite having been pro-in person interactions forever, still had forgotten how much more you can pick up and notice in person. 

So lame! For work I had almost convinced myself that they're fine, and since I work with a lot of people in the US I don't exactly have a choice. But man it makes such a big difference being face to face. We had a spontaneous 3.5 hour (!) discussion, which would never happen on video. Which is a huge problem, it's discussions like this that get everyone on the same page and lead to better decisions. Video calls encourage a much more top down approach to decision making and siloed thinking. But mostly they're lame! 😛 

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Your day in the office sounded so refreshing and nice! I haven't been into my office since March 2020 when we were first told to work from home. It would be nice for a change of scenery but I can't say I'm excited to be face to face again since my new co-dev and I clash on a personality level and I don't see that getting better in person (never met the guy).  Whereas my last co-dev and I would talk every day, go for lunch and send gifs to each other. And I'm in an office with 3 other people... 2 of which I can be friendly with and I like but we don't have casual fun conversations and they work on a different project so we don't even have that work bond so that makes social interactions harder lol. I'm really not looking forward to it. Luckily I don't think I need to worry about it until everyone gets their vaccination though. 

 

Any idea on the spread for your indoor picnic? That sounds lovely!

{Chase the wind and touch the sky; I will fly}

 

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On 4/29/2021 at 6:05 PM, Mad Hatter said:

It doesn't. I've tried it in the past though and while I like it in theory, in practice it leads to annoyance and things always shutting down at exactly the wrong moment! This sometimes happens when scheduling too, but less often. Another issue I find is that it doesn't prevent from me picking up the phone in the "gaps", like the minute in the queue or whatever. I really dislike the habit of picking up the phone many times a day for no good reason, and not having any default things to click on really helps. 

 

It's really interesting how different types of constraints change our behaviour! Do you like any of their browser tools (e.g., the "are you sure you want to go to this page?" type messages that disrupt habitual browsing)?

 

Hope you're having a good weekend! Have you had your picnic? 

-:- THE LIONESS -:-

Challenge 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 2.5, 2.6, 2.7, 2.8, 2.9, 2.10 

 

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On 4/30/2021 at 2:13 PM, Rookie said:

Your day in the office sounded so refreshing and nice! I haven't been into my office since March 2020 when we were first told to work from home. It would be nice for a change of scenery but I can't say I'm excited to be face to face again since my new co-dev and I clash on a personality level and I don't see that getting better in person (never met the guy).  Whereas my last co-dev and I would talk every day, go for lunch and send gifs to each other. And I'm in an office with 3 other people... 2 of which I can be friendly with and I like but we don't have casual fun conversations and they work on a different project so we don't even have that work bond so that makes social interactions harder lol. I'm really not looking forward to it. Luckily I don't think I need to worry about it until everyone gets their vaccination though. 

Luckily for me it's completely optional, and will remain optional. Which means I can choose the days I go in when it's fun people at the office haha. They're all nice, but some are very, very quiet. I'd hate to be in your position! Having to spend so many hours with people you don't click with is the worst.

 

18 hours ago, Alanna said:

It's really interesting how different types of constraints change our behaviour! Do you like any of their browser tools (e.g., the "are you sure you want to go to this page?" type messages that disrupt habitual browsing)?

It really is. I didn't know about their browser tools until you mentioned it, but I actually installed the limit one to trial. It's a very soft limit so it acts more as a reminder than anything else, which for me is not very effective. My brain thinks less like "oh I've reached my limit I should do something else now" but rather "am I done or not". Whether 5 minutes or 5 hours has passed is not particularly relevant to my brain processing. That's why I think blocking me from starting in the first place is more effective. But there's also an optional popup window that shows me in real time how much time I've spent, and perhaps that could be more useful, as then it's a constant ticker and reminder. Though it's also easy to ignore, so I'm not sure whether it will change behaviour, or only add a tiny element of stress to the behaviour, or do nothing. 😛 

 

The picnic was lovely! The wind was super cold so we kept it inside. I baked a shortbread thingy with lemon curd, and we had sausages and traditional Finnish donuts and sima (low alcohol drink made from sugar) and an Iranian potato salad with shredded chicken and lots of pickles. Yum! 😋 There was a great moment where my friend immediately noticed the new router and the new vacuum, but completely failed to notice the giant 6+ month preggo belly. 🤣

 

The rest of the weekend I tackled most of the ever-growing Ick list, which I've been procrastinating for the entirety of the challenge. 😛 Which brought up the score to 14/17. Not bad. Though I still need to call the tax office. 🙈

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Oops it turned out I had more goals than the Ick list. I had completely forgotten! 😂

 

The social media/movie ban went pretty well and I think the once per week schedule is pretty good. I was a bit concerned in the beginning of the challenge that I'd switch to books, which... is exactly what happened. I don't necessarily mind, because it brought me out of the long long reading slump I've been having. But I did "lose" about 3 weeks of the challenge, during which I read something like 10 books. 😅 Oh well. 🤷‍♀️ Part of the reason was probably to avoid doing "real" things, the other part is that work's been super intense. It's settling down now though with everything feeling more under control. On the flip side, I'm already getting bored again, which is troubling. I figured out how to do a good job in my new role, and now I'm like meh, is this it, what now?

 

I'm also struggling a bit with the next challenge. It will definitely be a bit a Night Watch challenge, and I do want to make it a proper one! But the thing is that I clearly don't know how to make goals sticky. Evidently I don't even care enough to remember them at this point, they're just a thing I write down. For the past weeks I've been going back to the Vimes's idea of doing the job in front of you, but besides my literal job, what even is my job? I keep saying that I want to go back to training and to art, but then I don't do anything. It's like I have no context for it, if that makes any sense? It's not like I need other people's validation, that's not how I operate, but maybe an environment? Or a big picture goal? Or maybe it's all a lie and I simply don't care enough, but that's not very helpful either... Or maybe it is simply work fatigue... Or maybe it doesn't matter either way, and once I start doing things a context will naturally emerge? I DON'T KNOW. But it's ok. I might just be a little late with the challenge. 😛 

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Big congrats on the social media goal that is so tough!

I struggle with the creativity  art type goals too. I know what you mean about having no context. I have been doing some weaving, I enjoy it. I like the fact that I am doing something creative. But, it's all too easy to shrug it off and not do it. For me, training works well when I have little goals to accomplish, or a program to finish.  I'm going to try and  see if I can  do that with weaving, and give myself a goal of accomplishing  a certain number of projects. Interested to see you challenge. 

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27

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19 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

For the past weeks I've been going back to the Vimes's idea of doing the job in front of you, but besides my literal job, what even is my job? I keep saying that I want to go back to training and to art, but then I don't do anything. It's like I have no context for it, if that makes any sense? It's not like I need other people's validation, that's not how I operate, but maybe an environment? Or a big picture goal?

 

I think a big picture goal can help. But identifying the next small step in detail can also help. It depends where you're at. For my writing, having a long term goal helps because I want to actually achieve things. I don't really need to practice the basic skills. But for art, I don't know what the long term goal is because I still feel like an apprentice. I want to establish a daily habit (I also want that for the writing). I guess the only thing is to try setting goals with different time frames and see how they work for you. E.g. you could say... 3 month art goal: quick sketches of 50 humans and 50 creatures, plus three finished pieces. Weekly art goal: do any amount of sketching 5 days a week to flip the bird to the resistance. Just throwing out ideas here...

Let cheese and oxen and mead crowd out our secret desires for power and domination - Harriet the Viking

Just be bold, fluid and unapologetic, not small, hairy and indecisive - Harriet the Artist

You can absorb me! - Harriet the Contextless Guru

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3 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

Big congrats on the social media goal that is so tough!

I don't really feel like I can take credit, after the tech did the work! And I did dig through the processes to kill the proxy a few times, on particularly bad days. On the plus side, I've been very much free from my phone and that's been great!

 

8 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

For me, training works well when I have little goals to accomplish, or a program to finish.

Maybe restricting myself to one of the *ahem* many programs I've got would be interesting to try for a bit. And treat it as my job even if it's not. 

 

8 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

I'm going to try and  see if I can  do that with weaving, and give myself a goal of accomplishing  a certain number of projects. Interested to see you challenge. 

Looking forward to it! How long does one of your weaving projects take?

 

2 minutes ago, Harriet said:

I think a big picture goal can help. But identifying the next small step in detail can also help. It depends where you're at. For my writing, having a long term goal helps because I want to actually achieve things. I don't really need to practice the basic skills. But for art, I don't know what the long term goal is because I still feel like an apprentice. I want to establish a daily habit (I also want that for the writing). I guess the only thing is to try setting goals with different time frames and see how they work for you. E.g. you could say... 3 month art goal: quick sketches of 50 humans and 50 creatures, plus three finished pieces. Weekly art goal: do any amount of sketching 5 days a week to flip the bird to the resistance. Just throwing out ideas here...

I feel like I lost the sense that I'll be able to ever achieve anything with art or training. Not that I've ever had any such grand plans, so I don't quite know what the difference is now. Maybe it's a sense that nobody cares? I don't mean that people don't care about me, but it doesn't really matter what I do (outside of being a not terrible human being and all that). So anything I do is basically for my own entertainment. Which is fine too I guess. I don't know, I'm having a really hard time formulating my thoughts.

 

Battling the Resistance seems very worthwhile though, even if only for the sake of practicing overcoming it. It's a good skill to have. I also like the idea of trying longer term "volume" projects. Maybe having a big goal would force me to stop thinking and start doing?

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11 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Looking forward to it! How long does one of your weaving projects take?

 

That's the problem in giving  a specific time. Right now, as a beginner, it depends on how often I have to undo a mistake I do.😃 I'm working on a bookmark right now, so in theory I could do it in a half hour. Saying an amount of time seems like a good idea, but it doesn't work for me. At the end of the week, I look back and can't remember how much I worked on it. And since I'm tracking calories, I just end up  resisting all other tracking. I understand what you are saying about feeling like it's for your own entertainment. At this point , nothing I make is good enough to give away to others. So basically, it's just for the purpose of  entertainment and the idea of  improvement by doing something creative(and so it's seems easy for me to just skip it when I don't want)

Wisdom 22.5   Dexterity 13   Charisma 15   Strength 21  Constitution-13

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind' Luke 10; 27

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10 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

That's the problem in giving  a specific time. Right now, as a beginner, it depends on how often I have to undo a mistake I do.😃 I'm working on a bookmark right now, so in theory I could do it in a half hour. Saying an amount of time seems like a good idea, but it doesn't work for me. At the end of the week, I look back and can't remember how much I worked on it. And since I'm tracking calories, I just end up  resisting all other tracking. 

I was just curious about what the scope of a project is. Doing a few <1 hour projects is a lot more doable than a few 50 hour projects! 😄 Fair enough about the tracking, definitely wouldn't want to become another chore.

 

12 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

I understand what you are saying about feeling like it's for your own entertainment. At this point , nothing I make is good enough to give away to others. So basically, it's just for the purpose of  entertainment and the idea of  improvement by doing something creative(and so it's seems easy for me to just skip it when I don't want)

Something like this yeah. The problem has become that everything's now easy to skip, which is not great.

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22 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

 

I feel like I lost the sense that I'll be able to ever achieve anything with art or training. Not that I've ever had any such grand plans, so I don't quite know what the difference is now. Maybe it's a sense that nobody cares? I don't mean that people don't care about me, but it doesn't really matter what I do (outside of being a not terrible human being and all that). So anything I do is basically for my own entertainment. Which is fine too I guess. I don't know, I'm having a really hard time formulating my thoughts.

 

 

Is this a new feeling since the pandemic started, by any chance? It can be difficult to feel like our lives mean much in the wake of such sweeping, transformative events that we have no control over, especially when we end up more isolated too. I understand feeling aimless as well ... my priorities have also changed as I've gotten older and I care less about making cool new scientific discoveries and more about stability/security, my own health and well-being, and spending time with family/friends/pets, and sometimes I struggle with figuring out how I matter outside of my own microcosm. 

 

However, we can still make a difference to other people, even if we don't do so on a large scale. Maybe you need to think about what matters for you and how your interests could fit in to that? Maybe your hobbies help you recharge so you can give more time and energy to your work and friends. Maybe you enjoy using fitness as a way to connect to your friends and bring joy to their lives. Maybe you could find a community focused on a certain hobby and volunteer your time and expertise to help others learn new skills. Maybe you could use your art to bring attention to a certain issue or bring joy to other people. 

 

Bringing joy to your own life is a worthy goal on its own, too, but it sounds like you may want your energy to go towards making a difference towards others, too? Sorry if I'm completely on the wrong track and have misunderstood what you are feeling! 

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-:- THE LIONESS -:-

Challenge 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 2.5, 2.6, 2.7, 2.8, 2.9, 2.10 

 

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Just now, Alanna said:

Is this a new feeling since the pandemic started, by any chance? It can be difficult to feel like our lives mean much in the wake of such sweeping, transformative events that we have no control over, especially when we end up more isolated too.

I do believe it's pandemic related to some extent, but I can't tell if it's something that's been there for a long time which surfaced during the pandemic, or if it's a new thing. I also can't tell to what extent it was triggered by mood. Pretty sure it started 1-2 months into the pandemic though. I had been taking handstand classes for a while and training a lot and progressing. When classes stopped I still did a bunch initially, even ramped up home training because I had a bunch of excess energy. Then suddenly I couldn't be bothered anymore and stopped training, it just wasn't the same without the context of classes, or the climbing gym. I do miss the vibe of everyone working on the same thing, and of supporting each other. But it's not like I had expectations from anyone, or that I hate training on my own. During this period I also started getting more and more obsessed with the art thing and kind of switched "identity" in a way, from someone who does silly body tricks to someone who makes art. Well, was trying to learn to make art. 😛 And that was awesome until I stopped that too and hit a very long bad spell and lost that "identity" as well and now I have neither. 

 

23 minutes ago, Alanna said:

my priorities have also changed as I've gotten older and I care less about making cool new scientific discoveries and more about stability/security, my own health and well-being, and spending time with family/friends/pets, and sometimes I struggle with figuring out how I matter outside of my own microcosm. 

I feel super conflicted about this, because on one hand I probably am more content with the small things, but on the other hand I also feel am getting more disconnected from my friends who are doing the 30's couple settling down and being oh so steady and soon the kids will start popping up and then it's all over. 😛 While I'm getting a strong urge to set it all on fire and do something drastic, or start a different type of life. But I've no clue what or how to find people to do it with.

 

26 minutes ago, Alanna said:

However, we can still make a difference to other people, even if we don't do so on a large scale. Maybe you need to think about what matters for you and how your interests could fit in to that? Maybe your hobbies help you recharge so you can give more time and energy to your work and friends. Maybe you enjoy using fitness as a way to connect to your friends and bring joy to their lives. Maybe you could find a community focused on a certain hobby and volunteer your time and expertise to help others learn new skills. Maybe you could use your art to bring attention to a certain issue or bring joy to other people. 

Absolutely no more time and energy to work! 😄 They don't pay me enough for that. But that's an aside and not the point I know. Connecting with friends is a huge reason why I climb, but to do that all I need to do is to show up, right. It's not like my worth is based on the grade I climb. Which of course is exactly like it should be! 

 

I do like the idea of community, and think it's something I might be missing in life, but it's really hard when you don't speak the language and you're not good at anything. 

 

Bringing joy through art seems... extremely farfetched. 😄 Though nice in theory.

 

40 minutes ago, Alanna said:

Bringing joy to your own life is a worthy goal on its own, too, but it sounds like you may want your energy to go towards making a difference towards others, too? Sorry if I'm completely on the wrong track and have misunderstood what you are feeling! 

No I think you're on the right track. Or at least veering in the approximate direction, because I still can't figure out what exactly it is myself. 😛 Writing it out helps though, so thanks! The confusing thing is that I'm usually rather intrinsically motivated, I have no need to, say, put stuff out on the gram for the likes. I'm not looking for validation from other people. That would also be a terrible way to make art, as everyone's tastes are so wildly different. And I know that's not what you're suggesting, but somehow that's what my brain turns it into and it becomes very confusing.

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25 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

I do believe it's pandemic related to some extent, but I can't tell if it's something that's been there for a long time which surfaced during the pandemic, or if it's a new thing. I also can't tell to what extent it was triggered by mood. Pretty sure it started 1-2 months into the pandemic though. I had been taking handstand classes for a while and training a lot and progressing. When classes stopped I still did a bunch initially, even ramped up home training because I had a bunch of excess energy. Then suddenly I couldn't be bothered anymore and stopped training, it just wasn't the same without the context of classes, or the climbing gym. I do miss the vibe of everyone working on the same thing, and of supporting each other. But it's not like I had expectations from anyone, or that I hate training on my own. During this period I also started getting more and more obsessed with the art thing and kind of switched "identity" in a way, from someone who does silly body tricks to someone who makes art. Well, was trying to learn to make art. 😛 And that was awesome until I stopped that too and hit a very long bad spell and lost that "identity" as well and now I have neither. 

 

 

I get having one's identity being tied to what you do - for a while I was a horse person, and then I sold my horse when I went to grad school and stopped riding, and then I was a powerlifter, but health and then COVID got in the way of that. And there have been a lot of other things that have been big part of my identity, too, that are no longer a part of my life. No clue how to move past that feeling, except maybe by 1) being willing to continue trying new things, and 2) figuring out who you are outside of those hobbies (and maybe the common threads that unite them?).

 

29 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

 

I feel super conflicted about this, because on one hand I probably am more content with the small things, but on the other hand I also feel am getting more disconnected from my friends who are doing the 30's couple settling down and being oh so steady and soon the kids will start popping up and then it's all over. 😛 While I'm getting a strong urge to set it all on fire and do something drastic, or start a different type of life. But I've no clue what or how to find people to do it with.

 

 

No kids on the way here 😅 (besides the four-legged ones) - that's a valid life choice, but we like having our time and energy for other pursuits. I think the desire for stability and balance came from the flare up of health issues in my late teens/early 20s. If you want to do something completely different, go for it! Weren't you thinking about moving somewhere else soon? I guess it's figuring out if that "something else" (travelling, downsizing and living in a van, moving to a different country, etc.) will make you happy or if the underlying discontentment has a different cause. 

 

35 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Absolutely no more time and energy to work! 😄 They don't pay me enough for that. But that's an aside and not the point I know. Connecting with friends is a huge reason why I climb, but to do that all I need to do is to show up, right. It's not like my worth is based on the grade I climb. Which of course is exactly like it should be! 

 

 

So I guess you need to figure out why showing up and climbing isn't enough for you, and then either letting it be enough or finding a way to make it (or something else) enough?

 

36 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

 

I do like the idea of community, and think it's something I might be missing in life, but it's really hard when you don't speak the language and you're not good at anything. 

 

 

The language barrier is difficult (and COVID right now) ... why do you have to be good at something to be part of a community, though? Lots of people love sharing their interests with newcomers! (And I highly doubt you're not good at anything!)

 

38 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Bringing joy through art seems... extremely farfetched. 😄 Though nice in theory.

 

 

 

The specific example I was thinking of (and probably should have mentioned so I sounded less like Marie Kondo!) was art of the things that are important to people (family, friends, pets, etc.). I used to do a lot of photography of horses, and people really valued the photos that showed a connection between them and their horse. There's also silly little joyful things like the Arcanine I crocheted for my partner for his birthday one year and he loves it. Things like that. 

 

44 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

 

No I think you're on the right track. Or at least veering in the approximate direction, because I still can't figure out what exactly it is myself. 😛 Writing it out helps though, so thanks! The confusing thing is that I'm usually rather intrinsically motivated, I have no need to, say, put stuff out on the gram for the likes. I'm not looking for validation from other people. That would also be a terrible way to make art, as everyone's tastes are so wildly different. And I know that's not what you're suggesting, but somehow that's what my brain turns it into and it becomes very confusing.

 

Yeah, it's not validation... more that I get the sense that you want your art to have some sort of impact beyond yourself? That probably means sharing your art with others in some way! 

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10 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

It will definitely be a bit a Night Watch challenge, and I do want to make it a proper one!

I am excited to see what you come up with.  I really considered doing a Night Watch challenge as well, but it was too much work :D 

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