Jump to content

Recommended Posts

I also find myself crying frequently for no perceived reason. It’s got something to do with anxiety and ptsd and depression. It also happens during, ahem, early pregnancy. (Is there something you want to tell us?) :) 

I feel that I am in an almost constant state of anger, again for no particular reason, or, perhaps, all the reasons. Anxiety, ptsd and depression.

  • Like 1
Link to post
11 hours ago, Emma said:

I also find myself crying frequently for no perceived reason. It’s got something to do with anxiety and ptsd and depression. It also happens during, ahem, early pregnancy. (Is there something you want to tell us?) :) 

I feel that I am in an almost constant state of anger, again for no particular reason, or, perhaps, all the reasons. Anxiety, ptsd and depression.

Oh god i know you’re joking I’m cringing at the thought of being pregnant. But thankfully no, it is currently a regularly scheduled shark week, although I guess that could explain it. Boo hormones and boo anxiety depression and ptsd. 

  • Like 3

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post
On 4/25/2021 at 2:55 PM, fleaball said:

Boobcat just barfed on my bed. I changed my sheets under 24 hours ago. Today is cancelled, I’m going back to bed. 

I'm pretty sure at times that my cats WAIT for a clean carpet or bed to barf on. It's their superpower....... *hugs*

  • Like 3

"Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still." - Chinese Proverb

 My Recipe Thread

1st dozen-ish Challenges for the curious 12,11,10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,More attempts, #1 with Intro, Failed attempts

Spoiler

Quick Bio: IT Consultant, Been in IT 25+ Years, Bounced around and landed as a traveling Consultant for a medium-sized Software Company. I love to cook & read, I travel for a living (although amount varies widely, sometimes I'm home for weeks, others I'm traveling for weeks on end), and trying to move out of Atlanta (plan in place, working to implement).

Link to post

I adulted the fuck out of Monday. Called my doctor's office to ask what to do about TMJ headaches beyond the exercises on google and taking ibuprofen since I couldn't get an appointment with the specialist until the end of September. (Nurse I spoke to said she'd talk to my doctor but they'll probably want me to go in and see someone to make sure the headaches aren't from anything else. Bah.) Later, get the email that my grocery order is ready and surprise, half the stuff I wanted was out of stock. But there's no way it was actually out of stock, so fueled by rage I jump in the shower, go over to pick up my shit, and then go inside the store after to get almost everything they said they didn't have, plus a couple other things since I was there. I survived! Now I have to put it all away. :( Also folded and put away all my laundry, opened a letter I was dreading opening, and as soon as I post this I'm going to put some overnight oats together and stick them in the fridge. 

 

To do list for Tuesday: put all my clean dishes where they belong, wash my magic bullet, wash my sheets, call my insurance company because they're dumb, speed read Intuitive Eating before my nutritionist appointment on Wednesday. I've started it so many times and then start to freak out and stop reading it. But this place is super into it so I'm giving it another try since they'll probably recommend it anyway. I don't actually think I'm going to do *everything* on this list, but at least I made a list of things to pick from. 

 

Everyone please cross all your crossable appendages and pray to your respective deities that this nutritionist can help me figure out how to fix my shit. Forget being fat, I'm so tired of being so unhealthy. Improving my diet at least partially will help the diabetes, the blood pressure, the reflux, the asthma, the mental health, the pretty much everything. Obviously it won't be an instant fix, but it will still make a difference and I am so ready to start feeling somewhat human again. 

  • Like 7

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

Fully expected that I would crash hard after yesterday and I was right. Started off today okay. Made coffee, ate food, called insurance company, made a couple other phone calls while I was at it, put away my dishes, washed some more, started reading Intuitive Eating. Now all of a sudden I am sad, angry, and want to start crying and throwing things. It’s unrelated to the book but I don’t want to read the book anymore now, nor do I want to watch tv or play games or read anything else. Definitely don’t want to cook, don’t really want to eat anything either. I’m in a mood where nothing is going to be acceptable. Which is annoying. 
 

Speaking of annoying, I have a free boobcat for anyone who wants it. He’s reached peak Cat™️lately and has spent the last two days crying for food that he immediately walks away from. 90% of the time this is my problem to deal with and I’m so over it. I know cats gonna cat but I don’t have the bandwidth to deal with him on top of anything else. 
 

Also I apparently slept wrong and jacked up a muscle right underneath my ribs. That’s not helping my mood. Nor is the fact that I have an appt with an NP on Friday at 4 and driving home from that is going to suck balls because of traffic in the area. Ugggggh. I think Monday is getting its revenge today. 

  • Like 5

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

I am confused. I just got a call from my doctor’s office with questions for my appointment on Friday. Do I exercise, some other question I already forgot, and do I feel down or depressed on a scale of 0-3. Obviously my answers to the last one triggered several other depression questions. But like, this appointment is for headaches? I have no idea how these questions were relevant. When the girl said “I have a couple questions for you” I was expecting the covid screening. Meh. Not concerned, just confused. 

  • Like 4

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

Nutritionist appointment went well. Doing weekly appointments for now. Today was really just her asking questions to understand my situation, but she did actually seem to get it. I am cautiously optimistic about this. 
 

unrelated to the appointment I think i need to stop drinking coffee for a while. Lately it’s been triggering my reflux something awful. I have plenty of caffeinated tea but this is still going to suck. 

  • Like 7

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post
3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Nutritionist appointment went well. Doing weekly appointments for now. Today was really just her asking questions to understand my situation, but she did actually seem to get it. I am cautiously optimistic about this. 
 

unrelated to the appointment I think i need to stop drinking coffee for a while. Lately it’s been triggering my reflux something awful. I have plenty of caffeinated tea but this is still going to suck. 

Remember, black tea is half as strong as coffee, green tea is a quarter as strong.

  • Like 2
  • Thanks 1

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

Link to post
1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Remember, black tea is half as strong as coffee, green tea is a quarter as strong.

And Owlet's coffee is four times as strong :D 🤪

 

5 hours ago, fleaball said:

Nutritionist appointment went well. Doing weekly appointments for now. Today was really just her asking questions to understand my situation, but she did actually seem to get it. I am cautiously optimistic about this. 

Yaaaaaaay

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to post

I was on track to go to bed at a decent (for me) hour. And then I got anxious for no reason and couldn’t make myself go to bed. Lying in bed now, finally, two hours later, and still anxious but still no idea why. This is fun. I was *fine* before I started getting ready for bed. 
 

to do list for Thursday:

- stupid eye mask

- wash stupid blender thing

- more stupid laundry

- stupid job application(s)

- win the lottery and never be heard from again

 

6 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Remember, black tea is half as strong as coffee, green tea is a quarter as strong.

Knew there was a difference, didn’t know it was this drastic. Thanks for the heads up. I was thinking of cutting down my caffeine intake anyway, so I guess it works. @Owlet can have all my extra caffeine

  • Like 6

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post
7 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

 

Knew there was a difference, didn’t know it was this drastic. Thanks for the heads up. I was thinking of cutting down my caffeine intake anyway, so I guess it works. @Owlet can have all my extra caffeine

It's a rough estimate, caffeine content can vary greatly depending on how strongly something is brewed:

HELL_MennyiKoffein_en.jpg

  • Like 1

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

Link to post
11 hours ago, fleaball said:

I was on track to go to bed at a decent (for me) hour. And then I got anxious for no reason and couldn’t make myself go to bed. Lying in bed now, finally, two hours later, and still anxious but still no idea why. This is fun. I was *fine* before I started getting ready for bed. 

Yikes. Something about your sleep routine is triggering you hard core. This was happening to me for about two months and it took me FOREVER to figure out what it was (It was my sleep podcast talking about better help dot com because when I was in real crisis last year I tried to use them but I couldn't afford it at the time, so that was dragging up a whole bunch of shit). Hopefully you can identify your boogeyman faster than I did.

  • Like 1
Link to post

Didn’t do shit yesterday. My mood was wayyyy off, no idea what was going on. 
 

right now I’m waiting for the nurse I’m supposed to see. They took my bp and it was 125/86 so I’m kinda confused. I know we bumped up my meds but that’s a huge difference. But I guess if that’s something I don’t need to worry about for now it’s a good thing. 
 

On 4/29/2021 at 2:35 PM, Countess D'If said:

Yikes. Something about your sleep routine is triggering you hard core. This was happening to me for about two months and it took me FOREVER to figure out what it was (It was my sleep podcast talking about better help dot com because when I was in real crisis last year I tried to use them but I couldn't afford it at the time, so that was dragging up a whole bunch of shit). Hopefully you can identify your boogeyman faster than I did.

oh man it never occurred to me that this could be a thing. Booooo. 

  • Like 4

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

Well that was a waste of time and money. She did a neuro exam and then said it made total sense that my weird headaches could be related to TMJ and said I was good to go. At least it made me take a shower, I guess. 

 

In other news, my undergrad school just made alumni email accounts a thing so I just got my fourth gmail account. Seems a little excessive, but whatever. 

 

I don't want to do anything right now. I actually have some level of energy and I do want to do something with it, but I'm more inclined to just stare at the ceiling and do nothing. Kind of an issue. Meh. 

  • Like 5

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

My father is cooking for himself. Pasta and meat sauce. How is it going, you ask? I just heard “oh you STUPID FUCK! JESUS!” followed by something crashing across the room. So yeah, I think he’s got it under control. 
 

Nurse today asked how my stress levels have been. I just laughed. 

  • Like 1
  • Sad 3

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

I have no idea what I want to do for the next challenge but I'm glad this one is over. Even though I actually did what I was supposed to for this one! Didn't report in as much as I thought I would because sometimes things were so small I just couldn't be bothered posting about it. But I recognized that it was good that I took care of something that was bothering me, no matter how small it was. Yay. I did the thing. I might wait to post a new challenge after my nutritionist appointment on Wednesday. We're still in the getting to know you stage but maybe I'll have homework or something to deal with. 

 

My biggest problem is that I still don't know how to prioritize. Everything is important so I should do all the things. I don't have the time, energy, or spoons to do all the things. But then I freeze trying to decide what to focus on. Or I pick something, do it for a day, and then decide I picked the wrong thing and should focus on something else. Rinse and repeat. It's so annoying. I'm so frustrated. I really wish I could just grab a wrecking ball and smash through all the stupid barriers in my head. My float appointment is Monday night, maybe that will shake something loose. 

  • Like 6

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

Oooooof. Got an email from Spartan reminding me to use my free race code from last year’s cancellation soon before it expires. I’m so on the fence about it. 
 

On one hand, I’m kind of afraid of heights and I’m definitely afraid of getting hurt. Which means a lot of freezing at even the thought of doing some of the obstacles, never mind how I’d feel standing in front of them. 
 

On the other hand I kinda want a do-over now that I know I have fucking asthma. (Was I in perfect shape last time? No. But I was having trouble breathing well beyond the point of just being out of shape.) More importantly, I like the reactions I get from people when I say I’ve done/am signed up for Spartans. And that’s the oof part. I really need to stop fucking doing things based on other people’s reactions. Or for other people’s reactions. Oh Jesus here we go. Am I doing things like this just to get people to pay attention to me for a second because all attention is good attention when you’re desperately trying to get people to care about you? 
 

this is not where this post was going when I started writing. Times like this I wish I could drink. A lot. I’m gonna go clean something instead of entertaining this concept anymore because today is not a day for unpacking that baggage. 

  • Like 6

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post
41 minutes ago, fleaball said:

My biggest problem is that I still don't know how to prioritize. Everything is important so I should do all the things. I don't have the time, energy, or spoons to do all the things. But then I freeze trying to decide what to focus on. Or I pick something, do it for a day, and then decide I picked the wrong thing and should focus on something else. Rinse and repeat. It's so annoying. I'm so frustrated. I really wish I could just grab a wrecking ball and smash through all the stupid barriers in my head. My float appointment is Monday night, maybe that will shake something loose. 

That sounds very frustrating and difficult. I'm really sorry you're having to struggle with that. It's hard to feel overwhelmed by problems to the point you feel like you can't do anything about them.

7 minutes ago, fleaball said:

On the other hand I kinda want a do-over now that I know I have fucking asthma. (Was I in perfect shape last time? No. But I was having trouble breathing well beyond the point of just being out of shape.) More importantly, I like the reactions I get from people when I say I’ve done/am signed up for Spartans. And that’s the oof part. I really need to stop fucking doing things based on other people’s reactions. Or for other people’s reactions. Oh Jesus here we go. Am I doing things like this just to get people to pay attention to me for a second because all attention is good attention when you’re desperately trying to get people to care about you? 

There is nothing wrong with liking people's reactions when they are impressed you did something impressive. If that's the ONLY reason for doing something, the desire for reaction may be out of balance, but it's not bad in and of itself. We all want validation and recognition, so of course you really like it when you get those good reactions.

For example, I used to have this awesome yellow shirt, and whenever I wore it, I got compliments. I liked the shirt for myself, and I like the reactions I got. Nothing wrong with that. If it were a shirt I hated, and I wore it to get compliments while despising it the whole time, that would have been out of balance.

  • Like 3

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

Link to post

Holy fuck I’m so bored. And I’m anxious because I’m bored? And I was dumb and got a latte with skim milk because I wasn’t paying attention and hoo boy have I mentioned dairy doesn’t like me very much? Yikes. Not a great time, especially considering I spent yesterday eating my feelings and my body didn’t appreciate that either. Ah, the irony of reading Intuitive Eating while this is all happening. 
 

23 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

There is nothing wrong with liking people's reactions when they are impressed you did something impressive. If that's the ONLY reason for doing something, the desire for reaction may be out of balance, but it's not bad in and of itself. We all want validation and recognition, so of course you really like it when you get those good reactions.

For example, I used to have this awesome yellow shirt, and whenever I wore it, I got compliments. I liked the shirt for myself, and I like the reactions I got. Nothing wrong with that. If it were a shirt I hated, and I wore it to get compliments while despising it the whole time, that would have been out of balance.

Totally accurate. There are plenty of things that come to mind though where I did stuff, maybe not as big as a Spartan, where I was waiting for the reactions while also being like “fuck why am I doing this.” So yeah. Idk. More stuff to bring to therapy. Blahhhh. 

  • Like 2

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

Stupid brain is stupid. Spent all of Sunday being anxious. Pretty sure it’s because I’m going to the float place Monday night and oh no new experiences are scary. Which pisses me off to no end. I know exactly where the place is, I know where I can park, I’ve watched their orientation video multiple times and it’s not rocket science. But there’s still this massive underlying sense that something will go wrong and/or I’ll make myself look stupid somehow. Who the fuck am I going to look stupid in front of while closed off in a 7-foot tank? And okay, there is somewhat legitimate anxiety because it says if you’re diabetic the magnesium in the salt could be bad for you and also your skin could dry out. And that people with asthma could have a bad time with the humidity. Neither of which I actually think will be a problem for me personally, but remember the Pacific Ocean sharks. So I spent one entire day being anxious about stupid things, and will more than likely lose all of Monday to it as well since my appointment is at 9pm. Double whammy there, stupid anxiety on top of “I have something scheduled later so I literally cannot do *anything* all day.” Why is my brain so absolutely fucked oh my god. 

  • Like 3

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post

Aaaaaand I suck. I just cancelled my float appointment that was scheduled for ~6 hours from now. I hate that I do this. I fucking hate it. But I’ve been anxious about it since yesterday and surprise as soon as I cancelled a good part of that anxiety lifted. I am also legitimately not feeling well (either cold or allergies, plus reflux causing that gross cough again) and they obviously don’t want people going while they’re sick. But I’m so pissed at myself because this is such a fucking pattern. Schedule thing, look forward to thing, panic and back out of thing at the last minute. I’m so upset. And Im going to blame part of it on my mother because when I was a kid and said I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere she’d say “okay, just tell them your mom said no/won’t drive you” and just let me bail on things. I’m sure it worked out for her because then she could keep sitting on the couch and chainsmoking instead of actually doing something. But it definitely taught me that committing to something is meaningless and I can just drop it. As an adult I know that's bullshit and a dick move but the anxiety generally doesn’t care. Fuck. 

  • Like 2
  • Sad 3

Level 69 Battle Kitten

Profile photo is ancient but I'm too lazy to change it. 

Battle Log | Current Challenge

MyFitnessPal | Fitbit | Duolingo

                                                                                                                                                                 Ici je vis la vie que j'ai choisie

Je suis partie pour reconstruire ma vie

C'est dit, c'est ainsi

Link to post
47 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Aaaaaand I suck. I just cancelled my float appointment that was scheduled for ~6 hours from now. I hate that I do this. I fucking hate it. But I’ve been anxious about it since yesterday and surprise as soon as I cancelled a good part of that anxiety lifted. I am also legitimately not feeling well (either cold or allergies, plus reflux causing that gross cough again) and they obviously don’t want people going while they’re sick. But I’m so pissed at myself because this is such a fucking pattern. Schedule thing, look forward to thing, panic and back out of thing at the last minute. I’m so upset. And Im going to blame part of it on my mother because when I was a kid and said I didn’t want to do something or go somewhere she’d say “okay, just tell them your mom said no/won’t drive you” and just let me bail on things. I’m sure it worked out for her because then she could keep sitting on the couch and chainsmoking instead of actually doing something. But it definitely taught me that committing to something is meaningless and I can just drop it. As an adult I know that's bullshit and a dick move but the anxiety generally doesn’t care. Fuck. 

This means you struggle with anxiety. It's not a reflection on you, or your character. You don't suck, you just hate the behaviors that are born out of anxiety. 

  • Like 4

Current Challenge Original 1,2,3, R 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31,32,33,34,35,36,37,38,39,40,41,42,43,44,45,46,47,48,49,50,51

52,53

"By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath

Link to post

Hey, I just backed out of something I thought I wanted to do (band) because anxiety. (And I have enjoyed band in the past) Between your family situation and all the pandemic stress, dear gods and goddesses, be kind to yourself and don’t do stuff that stresses you out further. And don’t shame yourself if you do back out of stressful stuff right now. That said, we might not let you use that excuse later, but now? With all the stress you’ve got in your life lately? Just focus on health and sanity. Personally, even on a good day, you wouldn’t get me into a float tank. There’s a lot of trust in letting someone do that to me, and I don’t have that much trust going on right now.

  • Like 2
Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

New here? Please check out our Privacy Policy and Community Guidelines