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Hi!

 

Feels good to be back. Long story short, life's being a battlefield and I'm trying to push on under the storm. I'm a wee little bit under PTSD (or rather during trauma stress disorder) so I'll try to keep things focused and bare. Main goal is to change job with the added constraint of it being either a pleasant one or a highway toward financial independance.

 

I've got a road map:

Roadmap_2021.jpg.d2b0ade53b3e30c1bda6fca93c6c4829.jpg

 

Let's get this done. Have fun!

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Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Thanks for checking on me.

 

The maintenance part is going well. I'm sleeping 6 hours more often than not, drinking water, showing up for work and have started cooking again. The pushing on isn't off to that good of a start, though the really important part is being performed. I'm not working out, I don't have breakfast, I'm not hiking, I'm not guiding and I'm not expanding my knowledge.

 

I'm doing my job postulations, though. Did you know the ESA (European Space Agency) is recruiting? Because the ESA is recruiting! I don't know what will come of it (most likely nothing) but maybe I'll get to see you, from Space!

  • Like 1
  • That's Metal 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Just some self discovery, today: I can't build my energy reserves because whenever I get back some, I try to use it to solve all the problems coming toward me and it gets drained out. I need to learn to protect myself when I'm down but also when I'm recovering even though my ability to act and tackle things improves drastically when I do because, well, it doesn't last.

 

From a level of roughly 40% of my abilities last year, I've dropped to maybe 20%. 40% was doable, 20% has me in bed most of the time. I better find a damn good use of my lasting reserves before I run all out of juice.

  • Like 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Thanks, I needed that reminder. :)

 

 

 

Edit: also:

 

  • Like 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Weekly review:

 

I can't see the direction of the end of the tunnel. Everytime I think of a solution, it requires time and funds (because money buys time). Right now, I have neither of them. Since there's not much I can do regarding my financial situation in the short term, I am claiming back part of my time.

 

For next week:

  • start work at 6:30 am, no exception, no excuse.
  • take a 1.5h break at noon.
  • leave work at 5:00 pm, no exception, no excuse.
  • turn off my phones! Time, from then on, is my own, nothing at work bears any right on it and every attempt at using my mind space coming from it will be fought back with unrestrained might.
  • go for a walk/run/do a work-out.
  • cook
  • eat
  • lights off by 11:30 pm, no exception, no excuse.
  • wake up at 5:30 am.
  • drink 1l of water during the day.

Additional targets:

  • Monday: reach out to my lawyer and start proceedings against my ex-landlord (who's lawlessly retaining the rent guarantee).
  • Tuesday: reach out for a job application.
  • Wednesday: finally register my march expenses to have a better view of my financial situation.
  • Thursday: make an appointment for the medical exams required for the ESA postulation.
  • Friday: rest and recover.

 

Last week:

I did drink 1l of water daily.

I've started failing at cooking and eating.

I have utterly failed at sleeping.

I did show up to work.

I didn't work out, I didn't run.

I didn't  have breakfast.

I didnt' hike.

I didn't guide.

I didn't further any job postulation.

I didn't improve my knowledge.

 

In case I need a reminder during the week:

 

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Monday, April 12th

  • up at 5:30 am: nope! - 6:00
  • work at 6:30 am: nope! - 7:00
  • 1.5h lunch break: nope! - 1h
  • end of work 5:00 pm: nope! 4:45
  • turn off my phones: YES!
  • work-out/run/walk: nope!
  • cook and eat: nope!
  • drink 1l of water: nope!
  • lights off by 11:30 pm: nope (but I've slept from 5:30 to 11:00 pm so that's a start).
  • stretch goal: yes.

All in all a good day, I'm feeling hope again, we'll see if it thrives or gets crushed.

  • Like 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Tuesday, April 13th

  • up at 5;30 am; nope! 7:00
  • work at 6:30 am: nope! 8:00
  • 1.5h lunch break: nope! 1h
  • end of work 5:00 pm: nope! 5:45
  • turn off my phones: YES!
  • work-out/run/walk: nope!
  • cook and eat: nope!
  • drink 1l of water: yes
  • lights off by 11:30 pm: nope (but I've slept from 6:00 to midnight)
  • stretch goal: nope

It doesn't look like I'll have much energy during the rest of the week for stretch goals. Oh, well...

 

giphy.gif

  • Like 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Sooo...

 

"Mut hat wer, for Angst erstarrt, sich denoch in den Sattel schwingt.

[...]

Wer nicht kämpft, hat schon verloren, nur wer fällt steht wieder auf.

[...]

Darum haben wir geschworen, unser Feuer brennt nie aus."

 

~~~

 

"Brave are they, those who, frozen by fear, keep swinging on the saddle.

[...]

Those who don't fight have already lost, only the one who falls gets back up.

[...]

That's why we have sworn that our fire will never be extinguished."

 

What is there to say... "C'est la vie!"

 

Wednesday, April 14th

  • up at 5;30 am; yep!
  • work at 6:30 am: yep!
  • 1.5h lunch break: yep!
  • end of work 5:00 pm: nope! 6:00
  • turn off my phones: Yep!
  • work-out/run/walk: well, yes? I mean, I've played my dumb self and got my car stuck in the mountain so got back home walking. That registers as a win.
  • cook and eat: nope!
  • drink 1l of water: nope.
  • lights off by 11:30 pm: nope (once again, I've slept early. No energy FTW!)
  • stretch goal: nope.

 

Thursday, April 15th

  • up at 5;30 am; nope! 6:00
  • work at 6:30 am: nope! 7:30
  • 1.5h lunch break: nope! 1h
  • end of work 5:00 pm: nope! 6:30 (I had a meeting that's lasted way longer than expected)
  • turn off my phones: Yep!
  • work-out/run/walk: haha, yes! The snow hadn't melted, so still no car, so more walking back home.
  • cook and eat: nope!
  • drink 1l of water: nope.
  • lights off by 11:30 pm: nope (no excuse)
  • stretch goal: nope.

 

Friday, April 16th

  • up at 5;30 am; yup.
  • work at 6:30 am: nope! 7:00
  • 1.5h lunch break: nope! 1h
  • end of work 5:00 pm: nope! 4:30 (it's nice to take a break once in a while.)
  • turn off my phones: Yep!
  • work-out/run/walk: nope! Took the train (See what happens with planning? Take that, dumb "keep walking in the snow" Jean!)
  • cook and eat: nope!
  • drink 1l of water: nope.
  • lights off by 11:30 pm: I think it's safe to already say that it won't be done.
  • stretch goal: nope.

 

Walk on, dear Jean, and may your fire burn forever.

  • That's Metal 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Alright, I need a plan. There are not enough hours in the day for a low energy me to go through it.

 

Objectives are:

  • cook and eat (I won't ever reach working energy levels living on coffee, and pseudomeals every other day).
  • drink (my coffee diet is costing me headaches)
  • sleep
  • do my mandatory working hours (8.5 is the minimum, 9h allows me to eat my backlog of negative hours)
  • still have some time for activities directed toward myself (including some physical activity).

 

Cooking and eating:

My current kitchen cooks veeeeeeeeery slowly. There's no way I can cook anything at noon. This has to happen in the evening, let's count 2h for it.

 

Drinking:

The current plan of having a bottle of water next to me during work works, I still have to remember to fill it in the morning and not give in to coffee only days.

 

Sleep:

The hardest part, if I want to get enough of it, I need to have the feeling to have done what I wanted to do for myself when going to bed. That means spending quality time. Let's count 2h for that, then 6h of regenerative sleep.

 

Work:

Let's count 9h for now, plus 30 minutes of travel, so 9.5h a day. There's a mandatory lunch break to take too.

 

Activities for myself:

Running at lunch break would be an option, though that'd mean taking running clothes with me and finding a shower on site, then eating at work.

 

That's totaling 20.5 hours, so this should be doable. Let's break it through:

 

Sleep: 6h

Morning preparations: 0.75h

Work: 9.5h

At noon: eat at work, run, take a shower: 2h

Cook and eat in the evening: 2h

Spend time on myself: 3.75h

Total: 24h

 

It's far from ideal, but workable. The name of the game will be having energy after work to still do productive things and not have the feeling that I am not living at all.

 

So:

5:30 - wake up

6:15 - go for work

6:30 - start of work

12:00 - lunch break -> go running, change clothes, take a shower

13:30 - back to the office, eat a pre-cooked meal

14:00 - back to work

17:30 - end of work

17:40 - stop for meal shopping

18:00 - reach home, change clothes, cook

19:30 - eat

20:00 - free time

23:30 - lights off and sleep

 

Combining it with my current financial means will be the real challenge. Let's climb that hill and burst in laughter at the top!

 

 

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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Seeing how things are poised to pan out, we'll say that the above are, well...

 

tenor.gif?itemid=10164767

 

The shower thing, and the meal thing, and the having a clear enough mental space to think rationally about that stuff thing aren't going to happen. Now that I have that knowledge, the wise thing to do is to face it, deal with it and do the thing.

 

I've been away far too long, it's time to get back at this.

 

 

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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I have no idea how I missed your thread.

 

Actually, I do, but whining about how the new forum format isn't constructive, so I'll just shut up and sulk about it.

 

Good to see you again. Sorry I didn't find you sooner. :) 

  • That's Metal 1

Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32

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33 minutes ago, Scaly Freak said:

Good to see you again. Sorry I didn't find you sooner. :) 

 

I've been away for some time, shrinking into some unnoticeable seed in order to endure the winter, no wonder you haven't seen me. ;)

 

I've decided it's time for spring again so I'm lighting some fires around the places I used to go. Glad to have you here! Lift all the things and iron some peace into your mind. :)

  • That's Metal 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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On 4/18/2021 at 8:58 PM, Jean said:

 

I've been away for some time, shrinking into some unnoticeable seed in order to endure the winter, no wonder you haven't seen me. ;)

I'm back as well, and following.

 

Good to see you still use pen and paper for your plans. That hasn't changed since I left.

Sadly I hear the financial situation hasn't changed either... 😟

 

Time for a reverse Game of Thrones? Summer is coming!

 

 

Also, that dArtagnan song is right up my alley! 👍

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Active challenges: Improve Ankle Mobility | Walk to Mordor and Back Again | DailyDare | Weight Loss PVP

2021 threads: Respawn | Challenge V | VI

2018-19 threads: Battle log | Challenge I | IIIIIIV

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I'd be lying if I didn't say that the combination of

On 4/17/2021 at 2:12 PM, Jean said:

Sleep: 6h

and

On 4/17/2021 at 2:12 PM, Jean said:
  • cook and eat (I won't ever reach working energy levels living on coffee, and pseudomeals every other day).

isn't concerning me. I've been in the no-sleep-and-no-food place, and you really can't do much of anything at all. I can see how getting through a full workday would be all you could manage before you crash. (In fact, I am amazed that you are managing it right now.) Willpower is too much to manage on 6 hours of sleep (and that is assuming that every minute of those allotted six hours goes to sleep), and never mind running, even thinking gets hard if the food isn't there.

 

Is there any way you could get back a bit of time on the cooking and give yourself a bit on the sleeping, like using an instant pot or a slow cooker, or making a big batch of something you can eat for a few days running?

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4 minutes ago, juliebarkley said:

Is there any way you could get back a bit of time on the cooking and give yourself a bit on the sleeping, like using an instant pot or a slow cooker, or making a big batch of something you can eat for a few days running?

 

Jean lives in the home of amazing bread and cheese. Bread, cheese, and fruit is a meal. (But then also eat charred animals,  Jean.)

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I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

Past: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6,  #7#8, #9#10, #11a & #11b, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23

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6 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

I'm back as well, and following.

 

Good to have you back! I'm not in that bad of a financial position, in that, I have a job, can pay my bills and can finally save big chunks of it. Others have it way worse. I just don't have any available money to allow me to think "hey, you know what? Maybe I should take a few months and stop working, you know, building my energy again and start being a free man instead of a slave?" It's coming, but this is yet another one of "the last year I have to sacrifice in order for my situation to take off". I've had 5 of those, maintaining hope and keeping my Vision alive is getting difficult.

 

6 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

Time for a reverse Game of Thrones? Summer is coming!

 

Actually, I'm a Stark at heart: Winter and preparing for it is my schting. I hear people complaining about the chill temperatures (they aren't that chilly, let me tell you that! I'll send them in Canada to meet @juliebarkley if they keep complaining: this is Spring, afterall) and I know that in two months, they'll be complaining it's become too hot because, well, summers have become hotter and hotter through the years even though they don't remember quite yet.

 

I think part of the problems in my situation come from the fact that I take things too seriously and try to solve problems, which I assume are real. The other problematic part is that people around are sheltered and can't see how privileged they are and make a difference between a need and a want, so everything is urgent, and essential, and needs to be done yesterday (anything that you're told needs to be done yesterday is something you can put in the bin as "absolutely not important" right on the spot and be right 100% of the time: the person giving you the task knows absolutely not how prioritizing and degrees of urgency work). If anything, my problem is that the Summer is lasting too long and too many people in power don't know what hardship means anymore (I know this is strange in the time of COVID but most local authorities are sheltered from the tough decisions so they have plenty of time for pet projects even though parts of the society is crumbling).

 

Though, yes, mentally, Summer is coming! I'm mustering energy to fight this war and, trust me, I'll make my orderly retreat and reach my Fortress of Solitude.

 

Keep them burpees coming and rock your own challenge! :)

 

5 hours ago, juliebarkley said:

Is there any way you could get back a bit of time on the cooking and give yourself a bit on the sleeping, like using an instant pot or a slow cooker, or making a big batch of something you can eat for a few days running?

 

Hahaha, yes! xD The fun part is how you know you can't think properly and solve the situation you're in and how easily you could tackle it if you had your friggin brain working at full speed. Watching that batery deplete itself is a good warning signal.

 

I can't plan and follow up anymore: too many times have I had delicious food rot for weeks in the fridge, uncooked, and have had to throw it away because I was "particularly" drained that weekend and didn't cook it. What works for me is going to the store daily, buy whatever I want to cook, take the time it takes and cook 1 meal at a time. I'm doing it now, it's not too bad, mainly a matter of priorities: logging off from work (hence the importance of turning off my phones) and deciding that now is a time to cook, and now a time to eat, and now a time to sleep. We'll see how that holds up on the longer run.

 

4 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

Jean lives in the home of amazing bread and cheese. Bread, cheese, and fruit is a meal. (But then also eat charred animals,  Jean.)

This is so true and yet, the dairy is, like, right next to my place and yet, it took me until last week to rediscover the difference it makes having cheese and good nourrishing traditionally made mountain bread on hand.

 

Thanks y'all for showing up, you're awesome!

 

Edit: And all of that has steeled once more my conviction that sheltering most people is doing them a disservice, because it prevents them from learning. Let's be kind, not nice!

 

Also and because I'm in the mood, once more for the Burnout Anthem:

 

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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24 minutes ago, Jean said:

This is so true and yet, the dairy is, like, right next to my place and yet, it took me until last week to rediscover the difference it makes having cheese and good nourrishing traditionally made mountain bread on hand.

 

And both those things keep for a long, long time. Emergency backup: butter and jam. Those and a good wholemeal bread have kept generations of peasants going. And getting ultra-fancy, add tomatoes and salami, or some pickles. You could really make at least two meals a day out of that. Go raid the dairy immediately and make a pot of coffee.

 

God, being gluten-free would be so much more annoying in Europe.

  • Haha 2

I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

Past: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6,  #7#8, #9#10, #11a & #11b, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23

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So, I've put my focus on eating and it's working. I'm not drinking a lot of water, I'm not sleeping nearly enough, but I'm eating regularly and enough. This means there is enough room for one priority in my life, I can use it to move forward.

 

Big news: I've found some balance in my work, in that, I'm handling matters one at a time and people have learnt to leave me alone while I do it. This may not be as unbalanced as it used to be, after all.

 

My finances are picking up too, so that's a third thing going well.

 

Steps on the way:

  • finding balance at work.
  • taking care of my physical and spiritual shape.
  • attain financial stability.

It's too early to tackle more so this will be my way for some more time, though the next step would be:

 

  • arrange proper living conditions in my appartment.
    Tasks I can take on for that are :
    • decluttering.
    • cleaning.
    • setting up the washing machine so that I don't have to move it around all the time.

If 2019 was the year of the Wolf and 2020 the year of the Seed, 2021 may be a year for wisdom. We'll see what pierces through the snow and starts blossoming in the sun.

 

"Keep believing and push on, it pays off. You can't see the light of the day when you are surrounded by the night but it is there, growing under the surface, waiting for you to summon it when you finally pierce through the snow. Forge ahead."

  • Like 3

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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51 minutes ago, Jean said:

Big news: I've found some balance in my work, in that, I'm handling matters one at a time and people have learnt to leave me alone while I do it. This may not be as unbalanced as it used to be, after all.

 

This is incredible and awesome, and I am so happy for you!  🤩

 

Maintaining balance at work is so much easier than trying to create it, so barring any intentional balance sabotage, the most difficult part is done. And I hope you give yourself full credit for your part in that hard work. Well done!

  • Thanks 1

Book Riot Challenge 2021

“I've always believed that failure is non-existent. What is failure? You go to the end of the season, then you lose the Super Bowl. Is that failing? To most people, maybe. But when you're picking apart why you failed, and now you're learning from that, then is that really failing? I don't think so." - Kobe Bryant, 1978-2020. Rest in peace, great warrior.

Personal Challenges, a.k.a.The Saga of Scaly Freak: Tutorial; Ch 1; Ch 2; Ch 3; Ch 4; Ch 5; Ch 6; Intermission; Intermission II; Ch 7; Ch 8; Ch 9; Ch 10; Ch 11; Ch 12 ; Ch 13; Ch 14Ch 15; Ch 16; Ch 17; Intermission IIICh 18; Ch 19; Ch 20; Ch 21; Ch 22; Ch 23; Ch 24; Ch 25; Intermission IV; Ch 26; Ch 27; Ch 28; Ch 29; Ch 30; Ch 31; Ch 32

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I wouldn't be so bold as to claim full credit for it, outside changes have made it easier, but I knew where I wanted to go and I went there so, that part is on me. :)

  • That's Metal 1

Legally bound to hug people in need.

 

Living life as a Druid is about walking with the beasts. It's about being scared, looking your fears in the eyes and going on anyway. Dread doesn't go away, you just learn to know it. It's still a beast, it still has fangs, but you walk among it.

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