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Akari finds meaning


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Hello everyone, 

it's been a while. I hope you are all well. 

I should be well. I have a wonderful son (1,5 years old), a safe job, a nice little apartment, no financial worries. But I have no deep connection to other people, besides my little son and my mom. It's been two years since I did a therapy to learn to deal with social anxiety and I learned a lot. I notice when I come near the "the black hole". Two weeks ago I fell into it. I had the first panic attack in over a year. Because of the pandemic and the lockdown in Germany it is hard for me to get in touch with other people besides of five min talks in kindergarden. So my work is kinda the only thing where I can do something meaningful. But at the moment I am not involved in the important stuff. I sit around and wait for tasks. I went to my supervisor and told him that I want to get involved and that really something has to change. The night I had a panic attack. The next day I had one again. And the whole week I felt terrible. Then when I got trusted with some important tasks, my son got ill. And I used his illness to stay home a whole week. 

I don't want to feel this panic anymore. There is not even a real reason behind it. It's just my feeling of being alone and the fear to be not accepted by others.

 

My goal for this challenge is to find activities that I enjoy. And to create a routine to answer the panic. 

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Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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Today was a good day. My little son and went up at four to make breakfast, went back to sleep and slept till eight. Last Sunday was the time change. The clock was moved one hour forward. I have always problems with the change. Fortunately I have vacation. The day was bright and sunny. In the afternoon we had 20 degrees celcius. So I played in the sandbox with my son and we went for a walk. I also managed to clean my kitchen and the living room. Something which I am avoiding for two weeks now. I also did some work on the terrace where I am creating a little garden to grow my own vegetables. I would love to have my own garden. But at the moment I have only six square meters of terrace. I planted already zucchini which are currently growing in pots on my eating table. I also planted some herbs and flowers. Yesterday I did sow carrots and tomatoes.

 

My diet abd my weight are no problem. After the pregnancy I came out of the hospital with 76 kg and went down to 64 kg. I kept this weight now for one year while I got a bit stronger. My one and a half year old son has now a weight of 12 kg. And I need to carry him still a lot even so he can walk and run. But if he doesn't want to walk he sits down where he is and doesn't move anymore. 

Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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Hello! I'm here to follow your progress! I'm sorry to read that you've been experiencing panic attacks. I have dealt with those before, and words don't do justice to description of one is in the midst of a panic attack. At least today was a good day. That is a start!

 

My 14 month old son is about the same weight as yours and cannot walk more than a few steps at the moment. Carrying him around has made me stronger, too!

 

Best wishes to you on making deeper connections with others. See you around.

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Current NF Challenge: X

Level 3 Wasteland Traveling Merchant and Lamespren

Initial Character Build: S4 P5 E3 C5 I6 A3 L2 | Current Character Build: S4 P5 E4 C5 I6 A3 L2

Most recent perk earned: Life Giver

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On Thursday I drove to my mother and stayed till Sunday. It was really relaxing. I had more time for myself then usually because she played with my son. My son can say 'Mama' for about to weaks and uses it now very often. Two other favourite words are 'Wauwau' for dog and 'mia' for cat. Almost everything with four legs that isn't a cat is a 'Wauwau'. 

 

Today my day at work was boring and exhausting again. I have nothing interesting to do. I asked a few times over the past two months to become more involved but nothing is changing. The funny thing is that I helped last year to design some feain our mainly used program to make work easier. For example we don't need to copy stuf by hand anymore. With a few clicks the program does it. And now I have even less work and more time without a task. 

My supervisor, which is also our only programmer, said to me: Learn SQL, then you can help me. I honestly thought about learning it. But at the moment I have really trouble to concentrate. I am distracted easily by everything else. And a tiny voice in my head says: you won't be good enough to program. 

 

One succes yesterday : I managed to clean my bedroom and make the laundry. It's kinda sad that I can't get myself to do more important stuff.

 

After a while of playing with my son I always would love to do something else. But when he is sleeping the loneliness floods over me and he is just one room away. 

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Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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18 hours ago, Akari said:

My supervisor, which is also our only programmer, said to me: Learn SQL, then you can help me. I honestly thought about learning it. But at the moment I have really trouble to concentrate. I am distracted easily by everything else. And a tiny voice in my head says: you won't be good enough to program. 

 

One succes yesterday : I managed to clean my bedroom and make the laundry. It's kinda sad that I can't get myself to do more important stuff.

So, I'm sure that you can learn SQL. I'm not great at it (I realized part way through learning it that I didn't actually need to learn it lol), but when I was learning it I found it conceptually easier to pick up than learning algebra was when I was a kid. I don't know if that means anything, but consider learning it through Treehouse .

 

Way to go on cleaning your room and laundering! It's always kind of sad about not being able to do the "more important stuff", but you have to start somewhere. Baby steps, as they say. I have found the whole baby steps thing to be true, but only in hindsight. In the moment, it seems like the baby steps are useless. I get it.

Current NF Challenge: X

Level 3 Wasteland Traveling Merchant and Lamespren

Initial Character Build: S4 P5 E3 C5 I6 A3 L2 | Current Character Build: S4 P5 E4 C5 I6 A3 L2

Most recent perk earned: Life Giver

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My PC tells me to do something else than playing videogames. The graphic card is defect. That's the third time in three years. I guess that's the punishment for bying cheap. I hope I can get a new one from the seller like the last two times.

 

Today I had a cute little visitor on my terrace : a little bird with red tail feathers.

 

I also got a call today. Tomorrow I can visit a garden in a allotment area (is this the right translation?) . The woman wants to give it away. I was hoping to get a garden next year. This year would be awesome since I could start growing vegetables immediately. 😊

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Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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And I bought a sql book. I will learn that. Today I asked my supervisor to program a little command that filters specific data out of a large table. That's pure logic and I am good at thinking logically. 

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Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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I visited the garden yesterday. It's basically a green meadow with one tiny vegetable bed and a shack but it's good earth. The only catch: the tenant wants to sell me her 2 solar panels for 700 Euro which I have no use for. I wouldn't even be able to make coffee with that, it's just for light. With this money I could buy some raised garden beds for my terrace and the best earth for them. And that would eat away almost all of my savings. 

 

It feels kinda unfair. I just want a tiny space of eath to grow something but I don't have the money. My mother said to me: decline it and wait for a better opportunity. She doesn't understand why I like gardening. In her eyes it's to time consuming and to exhausting. 

 

I avoided to call that woman today. I have to tomorrow. No use in waiting longer. My son woke me up today at 2 o'clock. Usually I have no trouble sleeping again. But today I was mulling over how to get that garden without the solarpanel. I fell asleep and woke up at four and stood up because I couldn't sleep anymore. It stressed me a lot. And the whole day I felt anxious and nervous. At least I used the two hours in the morning before my son stood up well: i pricked salad plants, did put the tiny plants in tiny pots.

Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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Just tell her you have no use for the solar panels, so it's a no on those. Then leave the ball in her court. She'll either offer them to someone else, or try to find a new taker on the garden, and struggle for the same reason. But either way, they're her problem, not yours, and if she's sensible, you'll get the garden anyway. It's going to be easier for her to broaden her solar panel market and offload those to someone else, rather than make them a package deal with the garden.

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I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell the wind and feel the grass under my feet, and just run forever.

Current Challenge: #24 - Mrs. Cosmopolite Challenge

Past: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6,  #7#8, #9#10, #11a & #11b, #12, #13, #14, #15, #16, #17, #18, #19, #20, #21, #22, #23

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I took my courage to call her and tell her I don't need the solar panels. She instantly replied : Alright, that's no problem. I was surprised. And it showed me again that I often worry to much for nothing. In the end it didn't get the garden. She still wanted 400 €, I offered first 100, then 150€, but she refused. After I hung up I thought : Alright, good luck in finding an idiot who takes that desolate hut for that money. I'll continue growing vegetables on my terrace. Today I was again able to watch some birds. I did put some sun flower seed in a self made wood box in the tree in front of the terrace. They like it. 

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Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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I feel bad. My son is ill and I really need to do some important stuff at work. My colleague is at vacation. I just need two or three hours but I have none who can take care of my son. My only option would be to give him into kindergarden for this time. 

Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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Last Tuesday I gave my little boy into kindergarden despite him being ill. I was nervous and anxious. Around twelve I got the call: He is feeling bad, he didn't sleep and I should fetch him. I needed another hour to finish the last task and give information to my boss. I also instructed a colleague. When I arrived at the kindergarden my son was running around and playing. But he was coughing a lot. At home he slept for more than two hours. 

 

Beeing alone in the office and being responsible for everything made me extremely nervous and anxious. It was a bit overwhelming but I managed it pretty well. This week my colleague was back in the office and he took charge of everything. So now I am just waiting for instructions again,while I get just half of the information. 

Today I got the massage : We calculated 20 hours less than needed for contract X. And because we need to produce this truck 8 times we need 160 hours more. It took me three hours of searching and calculating to find out that this is a huge exaggeration. My calculation was wrong by 6 hours and our construction team needed more hours for the first truck than they needed last year. My supervisor said to me in a complete calm voice : Don't worry, they always exaggerate.

There was another message which made me feel disappointed. Last Tuesday I had to finish some calculations for some extremely important contracts. I did so and told my boss. I also instructed another colleague that he just needed to print everything if the boss wants to send this to the client. But since there were handwritten notes in the folder which I gave to my boss he didn't believe that everything was correct. So the boss, my colleague and someone else were sitting four hours in the evening and checked everything again. I apologised to my colleague because he had to do extra hours just because I didn't print the contracts again. He told me to not worry. He did show the boss my email where I had written "everything is finished, just need to be printed", but my boss didn't trust this. It's kinda sad that I don't have the full trust of my boss. But at least he realised at the end that like I said: everything was correct.

 

I had some success today : I changed the mainbord of my pc. Now my pc recognises my grafic card again 😊

Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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This week I was really tired - not mentally but physically. I don't even know why. Yesterday my boss was angry. (Actually he was angry the whole week. Corona affects our protection. We cannot get the materials fast enough) I corrected one contract, because there was an information missing. And he asked why I didn't do that a month ago. So I told him frankly : Because I didn't receive this information. I would appreciate, if every information regarding changes of contracts or offers will be sent to me too. (sonce I am part of the sales team) His reaction was: That's an excellent idea! We gonna do that now. I want anyways, that you are able to create offers on your own. Six months ago, I started to work again, after being home with baby for one year. Since four months I am asking to be trusted with more tasks. Finally my boss has the same goal as me. 😁

Was wäre das Leben, hätten wir nicht den Mut, etwas zu riskieren. Vincent van Goch

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